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Dancing with the Octopus: A Memoir of a Crime
For readers of Educated and The Glass Castle, a harrowing, redemptive and profoundly inspiring memoir of childhood trauma and its long reach into adulthood.
One Omaha winter day in November 1978, when Debora Harding was just fourteen, she was abducted at knifepoint from a church parking lot. She was thrown into a van, assaulted, held for ransom, and then left to die as an ice storm descended over the city.
Debora survived. She identified her attacker to the police and then returned to her teenage life in a dysfunctional home where she was expected to simply move on. Denial became the family coping strategy offered by her fun-loving, conflicted father and her cruelly resentful mother.
It wasn't until decades later - when beset by the symptoms of PTSD- that Debora undertook a radical she met her childhood attacker face-to-face in prison and began to reconsider and reimagine his complex story. This was a quest for the truth that would threaten the lie at the heart of her family and with it the sacred bond that once saved her.
Dexterously shifting between the past and present, Debora Harding untangles the incident of her kidnapping and escape from unexpected angles, offering a vivid, intimate portrait of one family's disintegration in the 1970s Midwest.
Written with dark humor and the pacing of a thriller, Dancing with the Octopus is a literary tour de force and a groundbreaking narrative of reckoning, recovery, and the inexhaustible strength it takes to survive.
One Omaha winter day in November 1978, when Debora Harding was just fourteen, she was abducted at knifepoint from a church parking lot. She was thrown into a van, assaulted, held for ransom, and then left to die as an ice storm descended over the city.
Debora survived. She identified her attacker to the police and then returned to her teenage life in a dysfunctional home where she was expected to simply move on. Denial became the family coping strategy offered by her fun-loving, conflicted father and her cruelly resentful mother.
It wasn't until decades later - when beset by the symptoms of PTSD- that Debora undertook a radical she met her childhood attacker face-to-face in prison and began to reconsider and reimagine his complex story. This was a quest for the truth that would threaten the lie at the heart of her family and with it the sacred bond that once saved her.
Dexterously shifting between the past and present, Debora Harding untangles the incident of her kidnapping and escape from unexpected angles, offering a vivid, intimate portrait of one family's disintegration in the 1970s Midwest.
Written with dark humor and the pacing of a thriller, Dancing with the Octopus is a literary tour de force and a groundbreaking narrative of reckoning, recovery, and the inexhaustible strength it takes to survive.
338 pages, Kindle Edition
First published August 27, 2020
526 people are currently reading
5544 people want to read
About the author
Debora Harding
1 book31 followersDebora Harding spent her childhood in the midwest prairie states of Nebraska and Iowa. At the age of nineteen she dropped out of university to work for Senator Gary Hart’s presidential campaign, before relocating to Washington DC to run an environmental non-profit. Fed up with politics, she cycled across America where she met her English husband, author Thomas Harding. She then joined him in the UK and worked at an award-winning video production company that focused on the counter-culture protest movement in Europe. Later, she co-founded the UK’s first local television station in Oxford and gave birth to two children, Kadian and Sam. Wanting the children to enjoy the great outdoors, the family moved back to the USA, and Debora trained as a restorative justice mediator and ran an independent bicycle business. She is now a full-time writer and activist and splits her time between the United States and England.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 429 reviews
February 6, 2022
What a crazy home life this girl had. 😥 This book was like layers. You go into it expecting one thing, only to find even more things. 🤭 I’ll have to echo my fellow book club ladies- I feel like an incredible mother. Gosh. She was a whole different kind of monster. 😐
December 14, 2020
"They say with severe crimes there's no avoiding the aftermath. What they don't say is how post-traumatic stress can become a disorder because of your childhood family, the one you're trying to survive . . . I will now tell you about my childhood. Do not be scared." -- pages 16-17
Last month I quoted crime writer James Ellroy ("Closure is bull****" - regarding his feelings about his mother's long-unsolved murder) in a review for poet Natasha Trethewey's outstanding true crime / memoir Memorial Drive and, if I hadn't used it then, I likely would've also applied it here to first-time author Harding's Dancing With the Octopus. Here is yet another excellent true crime / memoir that demonstrates the 'stone thrown into a still pond' ripple effect of trauma, which was doubly the case for Harding - as a child and teenager she was raised by a coldly sociopathic / alcoholic mother (and a well-meaning but often work-related absent father), THEN was victimized but survived an abduction and sexual assault the evening just before the Thanksgiving holiday in 1978. She was only fourteen years old at the time. The fact that her parents had no qualms about her simply resuming schooling immediately after that extended weekend concluded is an ominous sign. (Note: since she was a juvenile Harding was spared from most involvement in the court proceedings against the assailant.)
It was only later in the early 1990's that Harding finally began experiencing PTSD symptoms. By seeking counseling and with some self-reflection she then recognizes that both her mother and her assailant (whom Harding refreshingly refers to as 'the f***ing a**h***,' as even after serving a prison sentence, and claiming that he changed to the parole board, he remained an unrepentant career criminal) caused grief that was buried in her. How she sets out to deal with and confront it, and how it ultimately shakes out for all involved, made for a courageous and moving story of recovery.
Last month I quoted crime writer James Ellroy ("Closure is bull****" - regarding his feelings about his mother's long-unsolved murder) in a review for poet Natasha Trethewey's outstanding true crime / memoir Memorial Drive and, if I hadn't used it then, I likely would've also applied it here to first-time author Harding's Dancing With the Octopus. Here is yet another excellent true crime / memoir that demonstrates the 'stone thrown into a still pond' ripple effect of trauma, which was doubly the case for Harding - as a child and teenager she was raised by a coldly sociopathic / alcoholic mother (and a well-meaning but often work-related absent father), THEN was victimized but survived an abduction and sexual assault the evening just before the Thanksgiving holiday in 1978. She was only fourteen years old at the time. The fact that her parents had no qualms about her simply resuming schooling immediately after that extended weekend concluded is an ominous sign. (Note: since she was a juvenile Harding was spared from most involvement in the court proceedings against the assailant.)
It was only later in the early 1990's that Harding finally began experiencing PTSD symptoms. By seeking counseling and with some self-reflection she then recognizes that both her mother and her assailant (whom Harding refreshingly refers to as 'the f***ing a**h***,' as even after serving a prison sentence, and claiming that he changed to the parole board, he remained an unrepentant career criminal) caused grief that was buried in her. How she sets out to deal with and confront it, and how it ultimately shakes out for all involved, made for a courageous and moving story of recovery.
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December 15, 2021I won't be rating this book, as it is a memoir, but I will be explaining why it doesn't sit right with me. (Trigger warning for sexual assault.)
This is the story of the (white) author, who, in 1978 and at the age of 14, was kidnapped, sexually assaulted, and left in the cold by Charles Goodwin, a 17 year old (Black) teenager who had recently been released from juvenile prison for car theft.
Prior to this experience, he'd been bused to a largely white school, where he was bullied and beaten by a group of white students.
When in jail following the car theft charge, he was beaten so badly his jaw was broken and his teeth were loose in his mouth, and sexually assaulted, both for racist motivations.
The book is about this experience, the aftermath of it, and the author's childhood abuse and later emotional and manipulative abuses at the hands of her mother.
There are a few issues I had with the telling of this.
One, the author writes extensively from Charles Goodwin's perspective (based on conjecture). This is a choice that, to me, didn't make sense from either a storytelling perspective or a personal one. As a reader, it's not what I want or am looking for from a memoir or true crime story.
Two, the author never expressly mentions the difference in race between herself and her attacker. She writes this about it, on one of the last pages of the book:
"But before I move on, I must note the early choice I made as an author to not differentiate the humanity of Charles Goodwin and myself by race. This was not a simple decision, as we live in a grossly racist society that is not color-blind, and I do not feel it right to deny him the oppression that shaped his external world. Yet to suggest the kind of devastating pain Goodwin inflicted is the fault of society is to err grossly.
"Criminals often justify their behavior by claiming they are uniquely abused by society. Goodwin was not uniquely abused, but has proved himself to be uniquely violent. I therefore made the decision to let his rage - which he explained as originating in the trauma of racist violence - emerge in the story as he told it."
I read that passage five times, and I still don't understand it. The author does not let his rage emerge as he told it, because she writes his perspective. I would argue that Goodwin was uniquely abused. I would not say that Goodwin's crimes are the fault of society, but I don't see what completely refusing to reckon with racial issues has to do with that. Further, though Goodwin has committed multiple crimes, his only violent offenses (as far as I know from this book) were against the author.
As this is an author who understands this is not a color-blind world, I fail to understand why this is a color-blind book.
I truly admire this book and its author for the level of self-reflection and strength it took not only to survive these events, but to write about them. Just because the art that came from the life was not my cup of tea does not mean I lack a deep admiration for the life.
clear ur shit book 43
quest 20: a book with water themes
(thanks to the publisher for the copy)
This is the story of the (white) author, who, in 1978 and at the age of 14, was kidnapped, sexually assaulted, and left in the cold by Charles Goodwin, a 17 year old (Black) teenager who had recently been released from juvenile prison for car theft.
Prior to this experience, he'd been bused to a largely white school, where he was bullied and beaten by a group of white students.
When in jail following the car theft charge, he was beaten so badly his jaw was broken and his teeth were loose in his mouth, and sexually assaulted, both for racist motivations.
The book is about this experience, the aftermath of it, and the author's childhood abuse and later emotional and manipulative abuses at the hands of her mother.
There are a few issues I had with the telling of this.
One, the author writes extensively from Charles Goodwin's perspective (based on conjecture). This is a choice that, to me, didn't make sense from either a storytelling perspective or a personal one. As a reader, it's not what I want or am looking for from a memoir or true crime story.
Two, the author never expressly mentions the difference in race between herself and her attacker. She writes this about it, on one of the last pages of the book:
"But before I move on, I must note the early choice I made as an author to not differentiate the humanity of Charles Goodwin and myself by race. This was not a simple decision, as we live in a grossly racist society that is not color-blind, and I do not feel it right to deny him the oppression that shaped his external world. Yet to suggest the kind of devastating pain Goodwin inflicted is the fault of society is to err grossly.
"Criminals often justify their behavior by claiming they are uniquely abused by society. Goodwin was not uniquely abused, but has proved himself to be uniquely violent. I therefore made the decision to let his rage - which he explained as originating in the trauma of racist violence - emerge in the story as he told it."
I read that passage five times, and I still don't understand it. The author does not let his rage emerge as he told it, because she writes his perspective. I would argue that Goodwin was uniquely abused. I would not say that Goodwin's crimes are the fault of society, but I don't see what completely refusing to reckon with racial issues has to do with that. Further, though Goodwin has committed multiple crimes, his only violent offenses (as far as I know from this book) were against the author.
As this is an author who understands this is not a color-blind world, I fail to understand why this is a color-blind book.
I truly admire this book and its author for the level of self-reflection and strength it took not only to survive these events, but to write about them. Just because the art that came from the life was not my cup of tea does not mean I lack a deep admiration for the life.
clear ur shit book 43
quest 20: a book with water themes
(thanks to the publisher for the copy)
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 14, 2021
4.5 stars. Another great true crime/memoir combination. Full review to come.
May 6, 2020
A haunting and poignant memoir of resiliency and the fight to survive--not just the incident, but the aftermath. Harding's clear, direct voice recounts her battle for mental health as she examines and reconciles her relationships with all the perpetrators in her life--not just one man. A masterfully crafted book on the far-reaching effects of violence, and the ability to survive.
October 1, 2020
Maybe I missed the boat on this one, but what an incredibly depressing book. I found nothing insightful, nothing redeeming, and I question why I continued to read and finish this book. I guess I was hoping that there would be some kind of happiness at some point.
December 6, 2020
I just couldn't really get invested in this book. I think it was a combination of the writing style and the non-linear fashion that this book was written in. I felt like this was more of a journal and self-reflection than something that was really meant for someone else's eyes. I kind of wanted it to be over by the halfway mark. I do feel deeply saddened that the author had to endure all that she did throughout her life and am glad she was able to do all the hard work that made her able to live a productive, happy life.
September 2, 2020
TW: Rape, Kidnapping, Mental Abuse
Debora at the age of 14 was walking home when her life was viciously interrupted, she was abducted, she was raped and then she was left in the cold to die. I’d like to say this was the only bad thing to happen to her, it was probably the worst but her childhood and path to adulthood wasn’t easy.
Debora shares her life with us, she shares her dysfunctional upbringing, her very difficult relationship with her mother, her love for her father despite him protecting her mother and her path to becoming a parent herself.
It is poignant, it is harrowing and sometimes it is down right upsetting but Debora brings a wonderful narrative to it, sometime a little bit of humour pokes through this very dark journey, a definite must read.
Thanks to Net Galley for providing me with a copy in exchange for an honest review.
Debora at the age of 14 was walking home when her life was viciously interrupted, she was abducted, she was raped and then she was left in the cold to die. I’d like to say this was the only bad thing to happen to her, it was probably the worst but her childhood and path to adulthood wasn’t easy.
Debora shares her life with us, she shares her dysfunctional upbringing, her very difficult relationship with her mother, her love for her father despite him protecting her mother and her path to becoming a parent herself.
It is poignant, it is harrowing and sometimes it is down right upsetting but Debora brings a wonderful narrative to it, sometime a little bit of humour pokes through this very dark journey, a definite must read.
Thanks to Net Galley for providing me with a copy in exchange for an honest review.
April 12, 2021
I'm not sure what I thought I was going to get when I started this, but what I got was so much more. Told in a non-linear fashion (worked well for me but many reviewers point it out as a negative), Debora Harding details how being kidnapped, raped, and left for dead at age 14 was not the worst thing that ever happened to her, and how as an adult she's tried to come to terms with her dysfunctional family, abusive mother, and other assorted trauma. This isn't a story of introspection or enlightenment but more of a first and final telling - putting the words/facts on paper to dispel the events' power. This isn't a triumphant or inspiring story, but it is REAL story. Highly recommend.
October 24, 2020
A deeply emotional journey into the conflicted upbringing where and abduction and rape is a footnote to a life of emotional abuse at the hands of a narcissistic mother and deliberately obtuse father.
Incredibly well told with a semi-detached tone that often such adult children adopt as a defense mechanism as they try to understand what happened to them.
Read it and understand why some people can no longer have a relationship with their parents.
Incredibly well told with a semi-detached tone that often such adult children adopt as a defense mechanism as they try to understand what happened to them.
Read it and understand why some people can no longer have a relationship with their parents.
February 23, 2023
This is an articulate memoir that examines trauma and the physical, as well as mental and emotional manifestations of trauma ignored. The author carefully navigates timelines as she compares and contrasts the violent assault of one afternoon/evening at the age of 14 and the physical and emotional abuse she suffers at the hands of her empathy impaired mother. Interspersed are chapters of her adulthood and the way her physical and mental health fail her and her efforts to solve the mystery of her unexplained maladies.
This is not a diary of self indulgent victimhood. This is a well written history of a life journey while carrying the weight of trauma and her steps forward and backward as she was able to analyze and examine the events and responses objectively but not dispassionately. It is a startling and insightful look how the body and mind responds and a beautiful monologue by a psychiatrist that explains that by examining coping mechanisms used during childhood may need to be addressed and the key to shrinking the monsters is to clearly identify them and look them in the eye.
Highly recommend to therapists specializing in trauma as well as people needing insight.
This is not a diary of self indulgent victimhood. This is a well written history of a life journey while carrying the weight of trauma and her steps forward and backward as she was able to analyze and examine the events and responses objectively but not dispassionately. It is a startling and insightful look how the body and mind responds and a beautiful monologue by a psychiatrist that explains that by examining coping mechanisms used during childhood may need to be addressed and the key to shrinking the monsters is to clearly identify them and look them in the eye.
Highly recommend to therapists specializing in trauma as well as people needing insight.
October 17, 2020
Wow - this is a brave, creative memoir. Compulsive, yet also difficult to read. It's paced like a thriller, whilst also being deeply reflective and full of compassion, hope, tragedy and real heartbreak. To be able not only to dig into your own traumatic history ( Harding is a surviver of abuse and violent crime) to find strength, courage and mental wellness but be able to assemble that story and share it with the world in such an engaging format is truly remarkable. I hope this book falls into all the lives of those who can draw strength from Hardings journey.
November 28, 2021
I am proud of the author for processing through her very traumatic childhood, but I didn’t find the book to be a worthwhile read — DNF’ed at halfway through. It’s written in a diary-like style that’s stilted and difficult to follow.
December 25, 2021
A gripping book that moves along at a rapid pace.
I related to this book on a very personal way. I love on Omaha and know where almost all the incidents took place.
Highly recommend.
I related to this book on a very personal way. I love on Omaha and know where almost all the incidents took place.
Highly recommend.
July 19, 2024
The 20th One Book One Nebraska selection is “Dancing With the Octopus” by Debora Harding. This book is about a crime that took place in 1978. Harding was 14 and living in Omaha when she was kidnapped. Harding’s book touches on themes of family relationships, child abuse, and mental health. It further explores how people use healthy and unhealthy techniques to survive trauma.
This quote is the last paragraph in the book, “I can’t help but remember the octopus Dad conjured up all those years ago. How he taught me the skill of pretending, real pretending, the kind of pretending that can turn a scary monster into an imaginary game.”
Harding’s book moves back and forth through time as she recalls the day she was abducted, her earlier childhood, and how she was coping as an adult. This method of giving the reader small pieces of the crime, rather than telling her story chronologically, makes it easier for the reader to reflect on what is going to happen, rather than being suddenly thrust into the scene of the crime. Readers will have no doubt what happened to Harding, but the author does not go into details.
To tell a more complete story, Harding delves into what she learned about her kidnapper’s childhood through court documents. She also explores how her mentally ill mother abused her throughout her childhood and how her father provided nurture and fun-when he was around.
Harding’s writing is thoughtful and thorough as she discusses “our response to life’s most challenging events.” She is skilled at pacing, and tells the story with a bit of humor in her chapter titles, for example, “In Which Dad and I Have a Man-to-Man Chat”.
She includes an author interview at the end of the book, which provides some more context and clarity concerning her family. “…having grown up with a violent parent, I am used to detaching myself emotionally from situations in order to survive.”
“Dancing With the Octopus” reads quickly, with short two-to-four-page chapters, often ending in a cliff-hanger. This technique, as well as and moving back and forth between characters is the same style of writing James Patterson uses to keep readers engaged and turning pages.
This One Book One Nebraska selection may not be for everybody. True crime fans will enjoy this book, as well as readers who like to learn how people overcome trauma and those who like a fast-paced book.
This quote is the last paragraph in the book, “I can’t help but remember the octopus Dad conjured up all those years ago. How he taught me the skill of pretending, real pretending, the kind of pretending that can turn a scary monster into an imaginary game.”
Harding’s book moves back and forth through time as she recalls the day she was abducted, her earlier childhood, and how she was coping as an adult. This method of giving the reader small pieces of the crime, rather than telling her story chronologically, makes it easier for the reader to reflect on what is going to happen, rather than being suddenly thrust into the scene of the crime. Readers will have no doubt what happened to Harding, but the author does not go into details.
To tell a more complete story, Harding delves into what she learned about her kidnapper’s childhood through court documents. She also explores how her mentally ill mother abused her throughout her childhood and how her father provided nurture and fun-when he was around.
Harding’s writing is thoughtful and thorough as she discusses “our response to life’s most challenging events.” She is skilled at pacing, and tells the story with a bit of humor in her chapter titles, for example, “In Which Dad and I Have a Man-to-Man Chat”.
She includes an author interview at the end of the book, which provides some more context and clarity concerning her family. “…having grown up with a violent parent, I am used to detaching myself emotionally from situations in order to survive.”
“Dancing With the Octopus” reads quickly, with short two-to-four-page chapters, often ending in a cliff-hanger. This technique, as well as and moving back and forth between characters is the same style of writing James Patterson uses to keep readers engaged and turning pages.
This One Book One Nebraska selection may not be for everybody. True crime fans will enjoy this book, as well as readers who like to learn how people overcome trauma and those who like a fast-paced book.
May 24, 2021
At the age of 14, the author was kidnapped while walking to choir practice during an ice storm. Her abductor drove around town for what seemed like hours before forcing his victim to make a ransom call to her father. He then raped her and drove her to a stockyard, leaving her bound and alone and ice continued to pelt the landscape and temperatures dropped. This event, while violent and traumatizing, came amid years of physical and psychological abuse at the hands of her mother. Dancing with the Octopus is Debora Hardring's account of her childhood and how her relationship with her father saved her--albeit in ways she herself wouldn't fully understand until years later.
The narrative felt chaotic at times; however, that may have been an intentional choice. The author describes what she went through--the pain and trauma, healing and resilience, along with every back step or doubt. As readers go along with her on this journey, her storytelling resolves into a much more linear timeline that endures through the end of the book. An astounding read by an admirable author.
The narrative felt chaotic at times; however, that may have been an intentional choice. The author describes what she went through--the pain and trauma, healing and resilience, along with every back step or doubt. As readers go along with her on this journey, her storytelling resolves into a much more linear timeline that endures through the end of the book. An astounding read by an admirable author.
July 25, 2025
2.5⭐️ fascinating and important self exploration by the author after exploring her childhood trauma + the impact it had on her adult life. The non-linear, journal-like format was difficult for me to follow, and some of the story telling aspects of the crime recollection took large creative liberties (ex. Writing from the perspective of the attacker, purely based on the author’s understanding).
December 29, 2020
This book gives a really good window into trauma, mental health, family dynamics, and healing processes. I really appreciated that this author shared her life and trauma with us. It is not an enjoyable read but, it has a lot to teach about how people process and cope with difficult and traumatizing things in very different ways.
April 1, 2022
my first time reading a memoir!! this book was really good i LOVED the description and the storytelling style that the author used (the flashbacks/flashforwards). oh my gosh the amount of trauma this woman has experienced—reading the acknowledgements and the letter from the author at the end almost made my heart break for her. she is incredibly strong despite the hard life she has lived. a lovely book.
August 28, 2021
Wow. Absolutely heart wrenching retelling of a life with an abusive family member, a violent crime and then dealing with the trauma later in life. A hard but important must read.
August 25, 2024
It is always amazing to me what some people can survive.
August 6, 2022
Very powerful story.
January 26, 2024
Very challenging to read. Each chapter is a different year and different character. Hard to decipher who’s talking and when they are referencing to.
October 5, 2020
This was a compelling story of the childhood of Deborah Harding and her struggles with being kidnapped and raped at the young age of 14 and coping thru that with a sociopath for a mother. The book is broken into several pieces (chapters) that don't seem to have a cohesive timeline, but I almost felt like that is how someone might deal with the atrocities that the author had to deal with...in pieces, and randomly, whenever they surfaced to be dealt with. I think many readers will be able to empathize with her relationship with her mother and not having that support in place when she was dealing with PTSD from her abduction. It is well written and reads like a story, flows like a dateline episode. Definitely pick this one up!
November 20, 2020
Human beings are remarkably resilient and this memoir gives us yet another example of that truth. Reading about the abusive childhood that the author experienced was hard but add to that the account of the kidnapping and assault by a stranger that she endured at the age of 14 and you wonder how she survived. Not only did she survive, she was also able to take her early years and use those experiences to view the world with compassion and strength.
I'm not a big true crime reader. A little bit goes a long way for me but this book captured me from the very beginning. The author has a down to earth writing style, one that is comfortable and engaging. She makes me want to know her better. I was easily drawn into the family dynamics, especially the dynamics from her childhood. The book does that time swapping thing where the author jumps from her childhood in the 1970's to her adult years in the early 2000's with a couple of other time frames in there. It was a little confusing but once I got used to checking the date at the beginning of the chapter, I was able to easily track where in time we were.
I was more captured by the first two thirds of the book than I was by the final third. It seemed like we got bogged down in minutia in that final third but it wasn't annoying enough to make me stop reading the book. I think that section could have been more tightly edited.
What's the take away for me? Once again, I am reminded of how fortunate I was to have the parents i had. We had some rough moments here and there but I was never abused in that life altering way that the author was abused. And my childhood was unscathed in terms of violence. I was lucky and I know it. I can appreciate the author's story and her strength. If you are looking for a captivating read and you can handle some difficult moments, give this book a try. If you do read it, be sure to read the conversation with the author that follows the acknowledgements at the end of the book. I found that to be fascinating and helpful in understanding why Debora Harding wrote the book.
I'm not a big true crime reader. A little bit goes a long way for me but this book captured me from the very beginning. The author has a down to earth writing style, one that is comfortable and engaging. She makes me want to know her better. I was easily drawn into the family dynamics, especially the dynamics from her childhood. The book does that time swapping thing where the author jumps from her childhood in the 1970's to her adult years in the early 2000's with a couple of other time frames in there. It was a little confusing but once I got used to checking the date at the beginning of the chapter, I was able to easily track where in time we were.
I was more captured by the first two thirds of the book than I was by the final third. It seemed like we got bogged down in minutia in that final third but it wasn't annoying enough to make me stop reading the book. I think that section could have been more tightly edited.
What's the take away for me? Once again, I am reminded of how fortunate I was to have the parents i had. We had some rough moments here and there but I was never abused in that life altering way that the author was abused. And my childhood was unscathed in terms of violence. I was lucky and I know it. I can appreciate the author's story and her strength. If you are looking for a captivating read and you can handle some difficult moments, give this book a try. If you do read it, be sure to read the conversation with the author that follows the acknowledgements at the end of the book. I found that to be fascinating and helpful in understanding why Debora Harding wrote the book.
April 15, 2020
At the age of fourteen the Author was abducted. This is her memoir of growing up in her dysfunctional family before and after and her reconciliation of the crime. A sad look at what goes on behind closed doors and the ultimate family estrangement. Mental health issues and stereotypes of both sexes is central to the story. Definitely worth a read.
Copy provided by the Publisher and NetGalley
Copy provided by the Publisher and NetGalley
May 20, 2020
Brains are not made for the kind of shock that Debora Harding endured. A bright, intuitive, strong willed and smart girl made it through a gripping and chilling crime. You can vividly feel her making every right move when she needed to have literally every wit about her. What follows is how the physics of that trauma becomes both a haunting nightmare and a way for Debora to look at the world closest to her in new ways. The pacing of the book is extraordinary and in and of itself a new way of communicating the interlocking relationship between past and present--pain and challenge. In it there is a narrative that will not let you put it down--and also characters of a lifetime. The love story and the support and the unconditional love between Debora and her husband Thomas are girding for the extraordinary in this memoir. It is a book that is not self consciously trying to direct the reader to adopt a way to approach trauma, but in its vulnerability it opens up a way of understanding how trauma or hurt informs, effects and adjusts our lives. Debora taking unimaginable suffering with such clarity is an extraordinary kind of foundation and one which she shares generously with us.
July 30, 2021
You know that episode of The Office when Michael Scott quits Dunder Mufflin and he goes back to the office and has this great story to tell so everyone is captivated but he goes around in circles and tells all these side stories before getting to the point? At first, this book sort of felt like that. It starts with a big reveal, but then the author jumps around in time, giving you vignettes from throughout her life that, at first, seem unrelated. However, as the pieces start to fall together, her story (and her reasons for telling it in fragments) becomes very clear. I was really impressed with this book and the strength of its author. It takes a lot of courage to be able to stand up for and protect yourself, particularly after living through trauma like she did. She does a great job of leading the reader through her story and helping you make connections along the way. I like the way she offers different perspectives on mental health and approaches to coping with related issues. Overall, the book was well-written and captivating. Recommended for fans of The Glass Castle or Educated.
July 16, 2022
Would have given more stars if she hadn’t added her politics to it. I read to avoid that. The sentence was totally unnecessary
March 1, 2021
4 1/2 stars and I'm debating about giving it five. Younger readers that are my friends- maybe skip reading this review!
One of my favorite books I’ve read in a while and quite possibly a forerunner for favorite book of 2021. Allow me to gush about this book. The way in which she presented the complexity of childhood trauma: little “T” trauma, in the ongoing chronic stress of having an abusive mother, alongside the big “T” trauma, of a singular event in which she was kidnapped by a stranger and left in a van to die, is so compelling. It’s very much in the vein of “Glass House” and “Educated.” Part of the reason why I love it may be that it dovetails so much with the work I try to do to help people and the change I am trying to make in the world. I want everyone around me to read this book. I admire in Deborah Harding her resiliency, quick wit, keen observations and the way she told her story. I really enjoyed her writing style. She shared in an interview at the end of the book and stated that she wanted to tell the “story of four characters and their relationships to one another, from a detached viewpoint.” One of these characters is her kidnapper. She uses witnesses statements, police reports, newspaper articles and prison staff journals to accomplish this goal. She also describes how this is a “dark story….with the pacing of a psychological thriller.” There are time jumps in the narrative; she will jump from 2003 in one chapter, the next back to 1978. Every single chapter title started with the phrase, “In which,..” (for example: “In which I study the object of my attention”) and I really liked it. There is also a blank page with one sentence, nine chapters in that says:
“I will now tell you about my childhood. Do not be scared.”
It felt original.
Another quote from this talented author:
“This book, for me, is an interrogation of violence and mental illness. More specifically, how we reconcile ourselves to the complexity of relationship issues that follow acts of human cruelty.”
And she does portray those complicated relationships in a way that touches on family dynamics, the betrayal by both parents, religion, the body and brain’s responses to trauma and the ability to heal. She credits some of this healing to being able to meet and talk to her kidnapper in what is called a “victim-offender dialogue.” Harding says, “it proved incredibly helpful in dispelling power my attacher had over my life.” She also tackles another big topic about halfway though the book, but I won’t spoil that here. Thank you Debora Harding, for sharing your story with the world.
8.5/10.
Content: Definitely not for younger readers, I would say at least 18 and up. Violence, kidnapping, rape and strong language (although not overwhelmingly so- there are a few instances)
Favorite quotes:
“I thought storytelling was the reserve of those who practiced the craft, but there was no refuting it. Humans are biologically wired with the need, but most of us do it unconsciously.”
“After that, I began feeling guilty for the loathing I carried for her, and I resented it almost more, this emotional duplicity. It was important to me to be a good person, a generous person even. I had feelings of loyalty toward her, was wired to love her. And I needed her to love me. I couldn’t let go of the fantasy that if I did the right thing, tried harder, some day she would see I wasn’t the manipulative, controlling, self-centered, immature, untrustworthy person she wanted me to think I was.”
One more quote from interview at the back of the book:
Advice to overcome trauma:
“Human resiliency is an amazing thing. My healing was encumbered by my dysfunctional family, but even as a child I had enough people in the community to get me though the most painful phases of growing up. So I suppose I’d say take risks in vulnerability. And know you aren’t alone. There are so many of us- high functioning, emotionally intelligent, resilient survivors and caring individuals- who know your pain. And there are innumerable tools and people to help. It takes time and tinkering and failure to get emotional balance right- you’re building a multilayered system of support. Don’t underestimate the task at hand, learn self-compassion and never let go of hope.”
One of my favorite books I’ve read in a while and quite possibly a forerunner for favorite book of 2021. Allow me to gush about this book. The way in which she presented the complexity of childhood trauma: little “T” trauma, in the ongoing chronic stress of having an abusive mother, alongside the big “T” trauma, of a singular event in which she was kidnapped by a stranger and left in a van to die, is so compelling. It’s very much in the vein of “Glass House” and “Educated.” Part of the reason why I love it may be that it dovetails so much with the work I try to do to help people and the change I am trying to make in the world. I want everyone around me to read this book. I admire in Deborah Harding her resiliency, quick wit, keen observations and the way she told her story. I really enjoyed her writing style. She shared in an interview at the end of the book and stated that she wanted to tell the “story of four characters and their relationships to one another, from a detached viewpoint.” One of these characters is her kidnapper. She uses witnesses statements, police reports, newspaper articles and prison staff journals to accomplish this goal. She also describes how this is a “dark story….with the pacing of a psychological thriller.” There are time jumps in the narrative; she will jump from 2003 in one chapter, the next back to 1978. Every single chapter title started with the phrase, “In which,..” (for example: “In which I study the object of my attention”) and I really liked it. There is also a blank page with one sentence, nine chapters in that says:
“I will now tell you about my childhood. Do not be scared.”
It felt original.
Another quote from this talented author:
“This book, for me, is an interrogation of violence and mental illness. More specifically, how we reconcile ourselves to the complexity of relationship issues that follow acts of human cruelty.”
And she does portray those complicated relationships in a way that touches on family dynamics, the betrayal by both parents, religion, the body and brain’s responses to trauma and the ability to heal. She credits some of this healing to being able to meet and talk to her kidnapper in what is called a “victim-offender dialogue.” Harding says, “it proved incredibly helpful in dispelling power my attacher had over my life.” She also tackles another big topic about halfway though the book, but I won’t spoil that here. Thank you Debora Harding, for sharing your story with the world.
8.5/10.
Content: Definitely not for younger readers, I would say at least 18 and up. Violence, kidnapping, rape and strong language (although not overwhelmingly so- there are a few instances)
Favorite quotes:
“I thought storytelling was the reserve of those who practiced the craft, but there was no refuting it. Humans are biologically wired with the need, but most of us do it unconsciously.”
“After that, I began feeling guilty for the loathing I carried for her, and I resented it almost more, this emotional duplicity. It was important to me to be a good person, a generous person even. I had feelings of loyalty toward her, was wired to love her. And I needed her to love me. I couldn’t let go of the fantasy that if I did the right thing, tried harder, some day she would see I wasn’t the manipulative, controlling, self-centered, immature, untrustworthy person she wanted me to think I was.”
One more quote from interview at the back of the book:
Advice to overcome trauma:
“Human resiliency is an amazing thing. My healing was encumbered by my dysfunctional family, but even as a child I had enough people in the community to get me though the most painful phases of growing up. So I suppose I’d say take risks in vulnerability. And know you aren’t alone. There are so many of us- high functioning, emotionally intelligent, resilient survivors and caring individuals- who know your pain. And there are innumerable tools and people to help. It takes time and tinkering and failure to get emotional balance right- you’re building a multilayered system of support. Don’t underestimate the task at hand, learn self-compassion and never let go of hope.”
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