Sacred Companions: The Gift of Spiritual Friendship Direction

by David G. Benner

ECPA Gold Medallion Finalist We need companions on our spiritual journey. The modern world has taught us to value autonomy and individualism. Our churches often see spirituality as personal and private. But we cannot go long in our Christian pilgrimage before realizing that isolation leads to spiritual barrenness. We soon discover that our souls long for accompaniment, intimacy and spiritual friendship. As a result, many Christians today are rediscovering the ancient practice of spiritual direction. In this inviting guide, David G. Benner introduces readers to the riches of spiritual friendship and direction, explaining what they are and how they are practiced. Spiritual direction moves beyond mere moral lifestyle accountability and goes deeper than popular notions of mentoring or discipling. Through prayerful, guided attunement to God's activity, sacred companions provide care for the soul. If we are to experience significant spiritual formation and growth, our souls must be nurtured through spiritual companions. Benner, well-accustomed to God's work through relationships, models the kind of traveling companion who can move us toward deeper intimacy with God.

Genres: Christian, Spirituality, Christian Living, Nonfiction, Relationships, Discipleship, Christianity

240 pages, Paperback

First published March 31, 2002

About the author

David G. Benner (PhD, York University; postdoctoral studies, Chicago Institute of Psychoanalysis) is an internationally known depth psychologist, author, spiritual guide, and personal transformation coach. He currently serves as Emeritus Distinguished Professor of Psychology and Spirituality at the Psychological Studies Institute, Richmont Graduate University. He has authored or edited more than twenty books, including Soulful Spirituality and Strategic Pastoral Counseling

Reviews

[Adam Shields · Rating 5 out of 5]

Short review: I have been reading books on spiritual direction over the past several months trying to see what I am really looking for when I look for a spiritual director. This book looks at four different types of spiritual direction (Spiritual friendship, Formal Spiritual direction, Small group spiritual direction and spiritual direction in marriage). In all three Benner suggests there are three goals (1) becoming a great lover, (2) becoming whole and holy, and (3) becoming our true self-in-Christ. I spent nearly a month slowly reading through this, not because it is difficult but because I am still unsure about what I am really looking for. But this was a helpful book to get some more perspective on spiritual direction.

My full review is on my blog at http://bookwi.se/sacred-companions/

[Rachel Hafler · Rating 4 out of 5]

Really solid introduction to spiritual direction! I love Benner's concept of spiritual friendship, his emphasis on the value of 'soul friends' and the way that spiritual intimacy can help deepen our relationship with God. I also really appreciated the final chapter outlining what a spiritual direction posture might look like in marriage.
The actual writing style is quite simple and repetitive, which really bothered me. But there are some profound insights here and a very clear vision for what spiritual direction can be.

[Judy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Love this one. Best quote, "maybe God designed marriage more to make us holy than to make us happy."

[Henry Haney · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been curious about spiritual direction for some time now. Ever since I first heard about this ancient Christian practice I have been drawn to it and wanted to gain more understanding of what it is before finding a spiritual director and diving in heart first.

In Sacred Companions David Benner not only brings clarity to the art of spiritual direction but also presents incredible wisdom that applies to all aspects of the Christian life. This is one I’ll be reading several more times. But first I’m going to find myself a spiritual director. 😊

“To know God we must think of him, not simply about him. We must learn to become attentive to his presence with us. We must learn to spend time gazing on him, being still before him and focused on him. And we must learn to listen to him. These disciplines of loving attention form the basis of the development of a love relationship with God.”

“No account of Christian spirituality is complete if it fails to give a central place to love.”

“This is one of the biggest challenges I face and being present for others—being still within my own soul. Stillness is the precondition of presence.“

[James Scott · Rating 4 out of 5]

An exciting explanation for the paradigm of viewing relationships in life through a more spiritually servant filled lens.

[Suzanne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Another great Benner book, this time about how to be a spiritual friend in many different situations. The marriage chapter should be required reading for pre-marriage counseling. The annotated bibliography alone is extremely valuable.

[Dustin Turner · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some parts were more helpful than others. However, he does a great job defining spiritual friendship and spiritual direction. I found this book to be helpful as I think about how spiritual friendship and direction work together. Also, Benner provides a lengthy book recommendation list, which is always helpful.

[Aaron Loy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I chose to read this book because I was intrigued by the idea of a "spiritual friendship," how it differs from mentorship, and how I could be put it into practice. Upon completion, I definitely have a better understanding of what it entails. Simply put, "the task of spiritual friends is to help us discern the presence, will and leading of the Spirit of God." The notion of a spiritual friendship is simple, yet profound. I like the idea that you have to be very vulnerable and intentional in this type of relationship. At the end of the day, your INTIMACY with your spiritual friend is what drives the relationship, and I think that is important. David Benner does a commendable job of laying out biblical principles of how this can play out. I particularly liked the notion that we are to embrace our humanity in the process. It speaks highly of the notion that we are not to become more divine, but more humane, in light of who God originally designed us to be. I also appreciated the part that discussed how a spousal relationship can pursue a spiritual friendship and the benefits that it provides.

My main criticism of the book is that it could have been more concise. Realistically, it could have communicated the same message in about 2/3 of the length. Additionally, I think it would have been better to separate the subjects of Spiritual Friendship and Spiritual Direction into two books. Sometimes, I found the dividing line between the two relationships blurry at best. Overall, I recommend the book for anyone who wants to learn about Spiritual Friendship and how it can be pursued in their life.

FAVORITE PASSAGE:

"A soul friendship is therefore a relationship to which I bring my whole self, especially my inner self. And the care that I offer for the other person in a soul friendship is a care for his or her whole self, especially the inner self. Soul friends seek to safeguard each other's uniqueness and nurture the growth of each other's inner self. They seek to meet each other as whole people and help each other become whole people. They offer each other the sacred gift of accompaniment on the human journey."

[Arantxa Sánchez · Rating 4 out of 5]

¡Me encantó! Hay unas cosas que dependen de muchos factores, no todo es blanco y negro y tampoco tiene o debe de ser de una manera.

La verdad: me dio una cachetada con guante blanco la parte de las amistades. Muchísimas cosas me hicieron preguntarme sobre mi papel en ciertas relaciones.

Me gustó mucho la reflexión de la Santísima Trinidad como “origen” de las amistades espirituales. Habla mucho de las amistades pero me quedé con ganas de leer más.

Me hizo reconocer y recordar a la gran directora espiritual que tengo. Madres nuestra relación, me conmueve ver hacia atrás. Los directores son como los caddies. Conocen el campo, el green, están atentos a los vientos, te recomiendan qué tirar.

No manches el último capítulo del matrimonio. Había momentos que lo pensaba muy cuadrado pero hay que recordar lo que el autor insiste a lo largo de todo el libro: estar atentos al Espíritu. Seguir el camino que El vaya mostrando y no forzar nada.

Me quedo con:
1. We have one job: que el otro tenga su mirada fija en el Señor
2. No hay mejor director espiritual que el Espíritu Santo
3. El director espiritual es un peregrino humilde

Al final recomienda muchos libros según distintas necesidades y temas.

Siento que es un buen libro para gente práctica y diría que con necesidad de más disciplina. Da tips prácticos y preguntas al final de cada capítulo para llevar a la dirección espiritual o hablar en acompañamiento.

[A.J. Mendoza · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was simply amazing in the area of equipping Christians with the awareness and training of spiritual direction. Easy reading level, though I would not recommend it for a newer believer. This book is more suited for the more mature Christian that is either looking for where they can find more depth in their relationship with God or looking to better journey with believers in their developing faith. Personally, I found myself saying, "Wait, I already do this!" This was extremely encouraging once I ran into the chapter that spoke on this subject of being called to spiritual direction (chapter seven). One of those criteria was finding that you already did a version of it (148). Spiritual direction and mentoring is a path I want to go on in faith, hoping that I can better journey with my brothers and sisters.

[Keith · Rating 5 out of 5]

i picked up this book mainly to go further in understanding the specific nature of spiritual direction. Having read many books on SD, i found this one to be among the most clarifying. Benner begins by talking about intentional spiritual friendships in general and moves on to give a specific overview of spiritual direction along with clear examples. As an added bonus he provides other formats and opportunities that include spiritual listening and encouragement in small groups as well as how spiritual accompaniment can work within marriage. Benner's works always inspiring toward deepening and intentional spirituality.

[Jodie Pine · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really helpful exploration of sacred companionship, divided into 3 parts: spiritual friendship, spiritual direction, and spiritual accompaniment in small groups or marriage. The author's spiritual direction email correspondence with a female Chinese pastor was especially insightful to me, as well as the chapter about becoming a spiritual director.

"There is no higher privilege than serving as a soul companion to others on the spiritual journey. In this act we are allowed to enter a truly holy place--the place where people meet with their God."

[Hannah Lynch · Rating 5 out of 5]

Handbook on spiritual friendship and spiritual directors

This topic is new to me. I had a cursory knowledge of the benefits of spiritual friendship but didn't realize the depth of possibilities of soul friendship. I look forward to applying this new understanding in a relationship with a Christian friend. It also addresses how to incorporate this type of spiritual friendship in marriage. An insightful read!

[Chris Collier · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoyed the book, particularly chapters 1-3. Those are the primary chapters that Benner writes about friendships with inspiring challenge and comfort. Chapters 4-7 are much more about the specific role of a spiritual director. Things can get muddy there. Chapters 8-9 are practical as he shares about how the intimate friendships can work within a small group and marriage. I look forward to discussing this with some guys soon.

[Jonathan · Rating 4 out of 5]

Three things I loved about this book:
1. The opening section on Spiritual Friendship is worth the price of the book. Excellent, Excellent, Excellent! Loved it.

2. The closing chapter on Spiritual and Soul Friendship in our marriages. That's solid gold.

3. The resources the author gives at the end of the book are exhaustive and could form my reading list on this topic for years to come.

[Ronald J. Pauleus · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great book. Communicated good truth on relationships and it’s importance in the Christian’s life.

“In its most basic terms Christian spirituality is a relationship with God. Perhaps the most remarkable thing to notice about this Christian God is that is it he who has sought us out, not we him. In fact, anything that we experience as desire for him is simply the result of his Spirit's calling us to himself. Spirituality is the response of spirit to Spirit.”

[Joseph · Rating 4 out of 5]

Book is roughly 1:2 friendship vs spiritual direction. I enjoyed the friendship portion, not so big on the other two sections. The author's goal is to have people engage more in spiritual direction, but I have no experience in this as a 31 year old from a California very conservative background. Having read this book, I am more open to spiritual direction. So it gets a 4-star for changing my opinion.

[Neil Saltmarsh · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really like David G. Benner's books although this is only the 2nd one I have read. The 1st was Opening to God. Mr. Benner speaks from vast experience and not just a wealth of knowledge but a life lived. When I read most Christian books, I wonder why they were written. I think that this is a great addition to Spiritual Direction whether leading or being led. Highly recommend this for the mature Christian.

[Steve James · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read the audio book but also have read a good deal of the printed book at an earlier time. I like the book as it gives good examples of spiritual companions and their 'ilk.' I find the contemplative path of spirituality much more compelling than other paths and this gives helpful hints for improving it.

[Dawn Dishman · Rating 5 out of 5]

David Benner writes about the gift of spiritual and sacred companions. He describes the purpose and methods in simple and yet deep ways. It is enjoyable and easy to understand. As someone in training to be a spiritual director, I found this to be a wonderful resource and I recommend it to anyone who wants to help others grow spiritually.

[Margaret · Rating 4 out of 5]

Read for my class in spiritual direction. Benner identifies the deepest thing we need the most is also the thing that we fear - deep connection, intimacy - with God and others. Very practical in terms of defining what spiritual direction isn't and is - and walking through the core ideals. Also has some very practical and transparent applications.

[Gracewellworn · Rating 5 out of 5]

A thoughtful explanation of what spiritual direction is, and how the ancient practice can practically be applied now. The last chapter on spiritual direction in marriage, is some of the best writing I have ever read on marriage. Thanks David!

[Caleb Sommerville · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some helpful stuff in here. Seemed a lot like two books smushed together. And while Benner is pretty darn gung-ho about all the mysticism stuff, I really can't wrap my brain around that. Meh.
Some of his examples and "conversations" were distractingly bad.

[Katrina De Man · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a helpful and encouraging book about relating with others spiritual. I will return to this book and re-read particular chapters as I continue to think about how I serve and relate with others.

[Cheryl Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book has helped me to see where My God is taking me in my spiritual journey with him. He is chartering my course towards the spiritual realm of Direction and Formation, not just personally, yet also, hopefully within a church in the near future.

[Caitlin Grammel · Rating 5 out of 5]

Spiritual companions join us on our spiritual journey as we join them on ours. Spiritual Direction involves listening to God on behalf of others and pointing others to God. I read this for my spiritual direction class in seminary.

[Sandy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rich with truth and clarity

This book helped me understand what Spiritual Direction is and confirmed my calling to it. I would recommend it to anyone seeking to go deeper with God and specifically those that feel God is calling them to help others do the same.

[Nathan · Rating 5 out of 5]

An incredible look into soul friendship and spiritual direction. Banner writes with much thought and care. His explorations into what it means to be a Christ follower, brother/sister in Christ, listener, spiritual director, and spouse are superb.

[Buddy Draper · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book because I want to more purposefully pursue spiritual friendships. In that pursuit, I want to be open to being a spiritual director for someone. As I pursue more intimacy with Jesus in the context of a friendship, I might be able to serve or strengthen someone else.

[Anna Hartshorne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really thought provoking for me. Highly recommend to anyone desiring more awareness of God in their life or hoping to grow in being attuned to God’s spirit—individually, with friends, in mentoring capacities, in small groups, etc.