Occasionally, you read a book so bad you have to talk about it. Devil’s Cauldron is one such book. Now I could very easily pass on the review and normally when I receive a book like this, that’s what I do. However, because of the reason I received this book, I think it’s fair to let it have both barrels. It’s what they asked for. And I will always give the people what they want.
Devil’s Cauldron is book two in The War of Men and Angels. I had not read book one, but Michael Jack Webb has his characters reprise the salient points of their previous adventure enough that I have a fairly good idea what went on. Near the end of the book, for about the tenth time, the protagonist reminds us of what happened before: When the Archangel Michael confronted and defeated Osiris as he was about to separate my head from my body with Heitsi’s Sinbad scimitar last fall in the Cavern of the Djinn…
So, you get the idea. There’re supernatural goings-on and this isn’t the first time that Ethan and company have come up against demons. Devil’s Cauldron follows up on that, taking Ethan and company into the depths of Antarctica, where Hitler’s secret military base opened a quantum portal into another dimension, allowing for demons to travel into this reality. There are side plots about a type of human being that can live extraordinarily long lives. There’re connections to Egyptian mythology, Jewish Kabbalah, Nazi Occultism, quantum mechanics, World War II conspiracies, and so much more. Imagine your conspiracy theorist friend watching the very worst of the History Channel at 3am for an entire year, then trying to explain it to you. That’s what Devil’s Cauldron feels like.
In fact, Webb’s goal appears to be to jam as many conspiracies into the book as possible, fleshing them out in stunningly boring detail that has no bearing on the actual plot. If you boil it down to just the action, this entire quarter-million word plus novel is about a trip to Antarctica to fight demons.
I even hesitate to put the “fight demons” part in because that all happens more or less within a single seven-page chapter right before the novel’s abrupt end. (SPOILERS: The archangel Gabriel bellows “Release your Light Arrow, Dread Champion. NOW!” and a supernatural arrow that takes half a page to describe flies “as if an invisible Archer finished notching it in His bow” piercing “Marduk/Horus in the heart” and he melts “like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of OZ.” All of these are real quotes.)
As should be obvious, Webb’s writing is overly-detailed and in a severe need of an editor. The novel weighs in at a hefty 450 pages and could easily have been half that and not cut any of the story’s substance. A typical sentence in the book looks like this:
“…be prepared for the unexpected. Trust God—”
“And keep your powder dry,” interjected Sam, finishing the phrase attributed to the sixteenth century general Oliver Cromwell. The British statesman elected Lord Protector in 1653 uttered the now famous admonishment while crossing a river with his men to attack the enemy during his campaign in Ireland. It meant save your resources until you need them.
Even if we ignore that the 1600s is the seventeenth and not sixteenth century, you can immediately see the problem. Webb digresses into the specifics of English history to explain a simple line of dialogue, then explains it once again in case you didn’t understand the rather obvious meaning.
There are also a number of typographical and grammatical mistakes, beginning with the back cover copy, where an individual is called one of “Hitler’s Jewish Nazi’s.” Apostrophes indicate possession, not pluralization—except in rare exceptions of which this is not one. It’s an elementary grammatical error that Webb makes throughout the book and is indicative of the novel’s nonexistent editing. The fact he makes this error on the back cover copy shows that little care went into even trying to make this a quality product. Typos happen. Mistakes can be made even with rounds of editing and many eyes looking at a manuscript. But Webb’s mistakes in formatting, grammar, and typography only compound his storytelling sins. There is not a single area in which Devil’s Cauldron does not scream amateurish incompetence.
Which leads me to the racism. The most overtly racist part of the book is where Michael Jack Webb has a Native character refer to God as the “Great White Father.” This is not a phrase that Natives would use to refer to God. God is not White. He is not the God of the White people. Historically, “Great White Father” was used by white American invaders in the 1800s to Natives a term for the American President. To use that in reference to God is both inaccurate and racially insensitive. Webb also refers to the Mischlinge as “Hitler’s Jewish Nazis.” This is also historically incorrect to the point of being racist. Mischlinge (English: mongrels) was a pejorative term in Nazi Germany for those who were of both Jewish and German descent. It does not mean that they were Nazis and was, in fact, a label of persecution.
Devil’s Cauldron is the worst book I’ve read this year. Michael Jack Webb has no sense of how to tell a story. It’s a conspiracy-laden, uninteresting bloated pile of words that never cohere into an engaging or coherent plot. Webb seems to think that if he throws enough stuff into the book, something has to come out of it. It’s a terrible way to write a novel and someone should have told them that somewhere along the writing process.
As I was reading this, my two-year-old daughter climbed into my lap, asking “Dad reads a book?” Then she looked at the page. “Wow. Some lots of letters.” And that’s about the kindest thing I can honestly say about it. It’s a lot of letters.