True Companions: A Book for Everyone About the Relationships That See Us Through

by Kelly Flanagan

When we quit sabotaging intimacy in our relationships by demanding unconditional love, we discover something much greater―the deeply satisfying, transformational love that is companionship. In these pages psychologist Kelly Flanagan shows how each of us has within ourselves, exactly the way we are, the gifts that are needed to cultivate the life-long relationships we are longing for, whether it is within marriage or friendship. He shows us how self-knowledge leads the way to growing in love for both God and others. He shows us how understanding our own loneliness can help us relieve the pressure on our companions. And he shows us how understanding our own psychological and emotional defenses can help us to make the choice to love more vulnerably. More than a marriage book, this is a companionship book. Anyone―from single young adults to elderly married couples, from the divorced to the widowed, from siblings to friends―can benefit from the wisdom it uncovers about what it means to be human and to be true companions. Groups, couples, and individuals can use the companion study guide for five sessions on how to show up in your most important relationships.

Genres: Marriage, Relationships, Self Help, Nonfiction, Christian Non Fiction, Christian

232 pages, Hardcover

Published February 9, 2021

About the author

Dr. Kelly Flanagan is an award-winning author, international speaker, concierge coach, and clinical psychologist with two decades of expertise in interpersonal relationships. His thought leadership has been featured in THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES, the TODAY Show, and Success Magazine. His first two books, LOVEABLE and TRUE COMPANIONS were #1 New Releases in Interpersonal Relations on Amazon, and his debut novel, THE UNHIDING OF ELIJAH CAMPBELL, won multiple literary awards. The proprietary frameworks in his book THE ROAD LESS TRIGGERED will take your relationships to a level that traditional communication strategies can’t touch. He is married to another clinical psychologist named Kelly, and they have three children—one adulting, and two at home in their small town outside of Chicago.

Reviews

[David · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'll be honest that I really struggled with how to review this book because I think it's just not for me. I really enjoyed the first part of the book and he had some wonderful ideas. He argues that loneliness is normal and not a terrible thing. He also argues that expecting people to unconditionally love us is unfair and instead we should be content with companionship. It was really interesting, but I never felt like he fully fleshed out or developed this ideas. Instead we launched straight into story after story. I also wish that the book would have been more distinctly Christian. It seems intentionally very vague spiritually. I found it helpful, but was overall a little disappointed by it.

If you like books with vague spiritually, lots of personal stories, and short chapters than you will love this.

[Alexandra · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am not wowed by this book at all, if anything I’m disappointed. This book is not for the kind of person (me) that would expect a Christian psychologist to reference statistics or the Bible when elucidating a point, but it is for the person that understands through stories. Flanagan shares later in the book that he doesn’t use other people’s stories when teaching a point, but because of this, a lot of his stories come from his marriage. Understandably so, given that this book is about companionship and that is his fullest experience with it. Flanagan pointed out as the book opened that this is not just a book for the married, but I think the volume of marriage examples detracts from this effort. The book felt scattered and not super in depth on any one topic, probably helped by the 5 page mini chapters and the interspersed letters to his wife. I think there were great concepts touched on and introduced but I would have loved to hear more. I don’t think this book is developed enough to prompt oneself to ask good reflection questions about their own companionship nor to initiate change in one’s life. As much as the lack of depth was disappointing, I do imagine that the components of companionship and our personal reflection of it will linger in my mind. I haven’t read a marriage book or a friendship/community book like this that specifically talks about philia love so much- that was refreshing!

[Cathie · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know that feeling when you meet a new friend and, as you get to know them, you come away from every encounter with them encouraged, a bit more equipped to understand yourself and others, more transformed…and it’s because that friend shares so vulnerably, with such transparency…that you can identify with his/her struggle, as well as growth? That’s what I felt when I first read Dr. Kelly Flanagan’s blog and it continued when I read his first book, Loveable. So the bar was set pretty high when I began reading his newest book, True Companions. Would I continue to experience the same type of growth, deepening of understanding of myself and others, and feel like I was still sitting with that ‘trusted friend’? The answer is not just ‘yes’, but ‘abundantly yes’. And you can experience that, as well, as you read through and process the truths in this valuable book which serves to shine a light on all companionships and relationships.

[Jill · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved Dr. Flanagan’s first book, so I was eager to read rue Companions. My favorite part of this book is that it isn’t a book about marriage—it’s a book about being companions in life. For that reason, it’s invaluable for marriages but also for friendships, family, and for me as a pastor.

Our culture has lost the art of being a companion. Flanagan guides the reader through learning to embrace the parts of us that shy away from companionship and why. (Loneliness, shame, rejection, busyness, fear, etc.) He addresses a huge issue of our time—the lack of interest in committing to relationships through the hard parts when we’ve adjusted to a culture filled with easy dislikes and disconnects.

Favorite quotes: “It’s about doing life together until our lives are woven together. ‘Abide’ is a lovely word. It means to remain with, to continue with, to stay with, to dwell with, to stand with, to endure with, to wait with. With, with, with. The relationships that see us through are the relationships we listen to all the way through.”

I love how he leads readers gently through struggles to connect rather than give rules and “oughts” and shaming people who are failing in their relationships. As a pastor, I hope to use these principles to connect to people in my congregation and to “listen all the way through” to them.

[Daniel Kingsley · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a DNF for me for multiple reasons. I picked up from the library and got about 60 % through it before I had to stop. This book is presented as a Christian book but this is much more a new age theology pretending to be Christian. He spends a lot of time talking about how we will always be alone in some sense because of the differences in each of us. He then will say we need to respect the divinity in each of us. Furthermore he encourages that it is important to have conversations with our inner self because that who we truly are. And lastly he encourages that the place to find God is not in church because they have to small a view of God but to see him all the people around you. He says he starts every day with his kids doing a Native American dance to help calm their minds and to get everything in order.
On less important note his writing style is more flowery than a meadow while being as vague as a summer mist. He wades through swamps of analogies searching for somewhere solid to build his argument. ( If that was too metaphorical for you that’s just a taste of the book)
Also on a last note he talks as if the problem with friends and marriages is that we have plenty of unconditional love but not enough companionship love. Wait what? Please don’t waist your time on this book. His proofs seems to mostly be his own musings.

[Corey LH · Rating 5 out of 5]

“True Companions” does not only appeal to your intellect as a reader but draws you to explore your inner most self like the finest therapy session you never realized you needed.

It’s rich layering of family stories, intimate letters and unshaken vulnerability not only creates the space for you to take your own journey of unveiling...but after carrying some of Dr. Kelly’s emotional baggage, yours won’t seem quite so heavy.

“True Companions” evinces, stirs, prepares, provides, reveals and abides.

Each chapter manages to speak to your truth on loneliness, perspective and emotions - like ingredients from your life recipe you failed to realize were missing in your relationships, including the one with yourself.

What an abundantly rich reading experience.

[Brittany Gillen · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book with my book club a few chapters at a time over six months, so my view of the whole feels a bit thin, but it definitely generated some great discussions along the way. As with most things, some parts I found intriguing, some I agreed with, and others left me shaking my head both in disagreement and confusion.

The part that has stuck with me was chapter 5 - where our loneliness originates.

I recommend it as a good book for discussion with others, but as a solo read alone, I think my overall opinion is that it starts strong and by the end turns a little too serious - focusing on the loss portions of companionship. Flanagan tries to keep a hopeful outlook, but without mentioning our eternal hope in Christ for continued companionship for all eternity, it left me feeling sad not renewed. I got stuck at the graveside because he didn’t give us hope beyond it.

[Cristina Haidau · Rating 5 out of 5]

I became a fan of Dr. Kelly's work a long time ago. His new book "True Companions" feels like a natural continuation of "Lovable" - by providing great ways of learning more about oneself, this time with respect to the relationships one has with the very special people in one's life and the different ways to love.
The stories shared in this book resonated with me so well. To develop and maintain any special relationships in our lives takes a lot of effort, love, and also pain. Being able to understand what to look for in a relationship, how to nurture or how to cherish them - it's knowledge and practice.
My favorite part is "Grow Quiet - Befriending your Loneliness". I always thought of loneliness as something sad, with a negative connotation. I learned from Kelly it is instead, a space in which we mature. The beautiful analogy with a butterfly he uses in the book teaches many great lessons. One of them is "In the quiet, we become."
I am sure I will re-read this book many times, just like I have done with Lovable. While I have not had the chance yet to go through the Study Book, I am looking forward to applying the lessons from the book!

[Kellie · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was expecting to love this book but honestly, I don't think I can finish it :(

To be fair, it did start out strong. I love that the author highlights "Philia" love; companionship, friendship, and intimacy through presence with one another and with God. If you want to read this book you will get a lot from the first part, but I think its problem is that it's just too long, the last several chapters I read were just personal stories that felt kind of random and it lost my interest.

[Amanda Brown · Rating 5 out of 5]

Encounter, embrace and reclaim the closeness you desire in your personal relationships. Both INSPIRATIONAL and HEARTFELT. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED for EVERYONE who appreciates and desires the SIMPLICITY of life. Focusing on philia love, Kelly’s VISIONARY Book ‘TRUE COMPANIONS’ centres around the EXPRESSION of TRULY FEELING. More than just a good read, Kelly’s wise and gentle words IMPART quiet observation and reflection, LEADING to centred HEALING from WITHIN, for you and your companions - BUILD LASTING, HEALTHY and RESILIENT COMPANIONSHIPS.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“True companionship must be the mutual agreement to make the observation of our own protections the goal of our days.”

[Panda Incognito · Rating 4 out of 5]

Kelly Flanagan's writing is beautiful and insightful, and in this deep, personal, and introspective book, he shares psychological concepts with clarity and vision. However, in many ways, the book isn't what I expected. More than focusing on relationships, it focuses on how we can connect with ourselves and accept the ultimate fact of our loneliness, recognizing that even though we are inherently lovable and worthy, we often don't feel that way, and try to erase our sense of alienation by merging with another person. Flanagan shows how our expectations of unconditional love backfire, and as he shares personal stories from his childhood, youth, and adulthood, he shows how he has grown in understanding himself and the people around him.

I found this very interesting, and it was a timely read for me, since I had just had an emotional breakdown over isolating life experiences that no one I know can truly understand, no matter how kindly they listen. This book encouraged me, and Flanagan's dialogues with his younger self made me feel less strange, since I often imagine similar conversations. However, this was still very different from what I had expected, and this book does not offer as much practical insight into relationships as some readers might prefer. This is less about how to enrich and strengthen your connections with others, and more about how to do the inner work to have healthier expectations and respond to others in a better way. It's wonderful for what it is, but I think that the title and description are slightly misleading.

Another important element to note is that even though the description advertises that this book is for both single and married people, and isn't just about romantic relationships, Flanagan's illustrations primarily focus on his experiences as a husband and father. He incorporates letters to his wife throughout the book, and even though he uses inclusive language about relationships throughout the book and doesn't only refer to family connections, I had hoped for specific, targeted insight into friendships. I don't mind reading books that focus on marriage, and his illustrations were memorable and moving, but since one of this book's selling points is its broader definition of important relationships, I wish that there had been more illustrations and practical insights into platonic companionship.

This book is best for people who are in committed romantic relationships, and it can be especially encouraging and helpful for highly sensitive men, who rarely see perspectives like theirs in print. I enjoyed this, and appreciated learning from Flanagan's psychological and therapeutic experience, along with his personal stories. This book is insightful and unique, and even though it isn't quite what I expected, I gained a lot of important insights from it, and am thankful that I had the opportunity to read it.

I received a free copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Sandy Heibult · Rating 5 out of 5]

True Companions: A Book for Everyone about the Relationships That See Us Through
While we've all been having to live in and out of isolation over the past year, Dr. Kelly Flanagan, clinical psychologist and gifted author of the book Loveable, has been busy preparing to shake things up again with his new book, True Companions. It was just released February 9, 2021.
Dr. Flanagan's first book, Loveable, is one fantastic life-changing lesson, chapter after chapter. Knowing his new book was about to be released and being a skeptical one, I pictured in my mind for True Companions to be similar to a sequel of "the best movie ever made". (You know, "meh".) I was SO wrong!
It's so rare to outdo something that's the best ever made. And he did it again.
True Companions is written in three parts: 1. Grow Quiet- Befriending Your Loneliness; 2. Grow Strong- Embracing Your Struggle; and 3. Grow Old- Cherishing Your Time.
I can't even write "3." without choking up. It's so incredibly relevent, at any of life's stages, considering any or all of one's truest companions.
Dr. Flanagan takes his knowledge, wraps it with his own (sometimes gritty) family experiences & an innate gift of expressing himself, and helps us see within ourselves how much more we can each "become".
When we realize our own true companions and keep learning how to be a true companion, all of heaven smiles.
#TrueCompanions

[Dennis Ticen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I had never encountered Dr. Kelly Flanagan’s writing before, and I wasn’t quite sure what I was getting into with this book. While some may hear the word “relationships” in the subtitle and think of romantic relationships, this book is actually much broader and more applicable than that. This is a book for everyone, a book that explores what it means to be human because to be human is to have relationships. For my own life, chapter 16 was worth the “price of admission.” It’s on “Fixing,” which is something that I find it easy to do, something that actually hinders healthy relationships. Dr. Flanagan’s words were healing to my soul. But the whole book is healing. It’s best read slowly, so that the reader can digest the principles, and the principles are wrapped up in easy-to-read and easy-to-hear stories. These are mostly stories from Dr. Flanagan’s life, and I admire his family in allowing all of these stories to be shared! All in all, this is a book that everyone, at any stage of life, will benefit greatly from. Every moment spent with this book is well worth your time.

[Marvy Herrera]

I received an ARC from InterVasity, via NetGalley. This review is my personal opinion.

In this book Psychologist, Kelly Flanagan takes us into what according to him means companionship, the first part of the book, unexpectedly talks about the importance of befriending your loneliness and how we need to stop running from it but embrace it. This phrase from the book” Before we belong to each other I must first belong to myself”. In part two, he talks about growing strong, the importance of recognizing our protections and how they can with time become habits, to face our fears and the need to feel, and finally, in part three grow old, the importance of not letting the fear of missing out makes me lose sight of what is in front of me.

The author pens a personal letter to his wife and we can see how his marriage has become true companions, through the ups and downs and between, in this book we find an imperfect couple, with the firm determination to stay together and like he said: “embrace the final trade”.

[Donna Urban · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've been with my husband for a long time. Let me say what this book is NOT..it's not a typical "marriage" or "self-help" book. When was the last time you read something that revealed REAL about the author, and more than that, revealed something new about yourself? This is Kelly Flanagan's new book, True Companions. Filled with personal stories, humor, wisdom, and THE most incredible way of writing that truly stops you in your tracks. This book is for everyone, not just married couples. It's not a marriage book. It's a human's book. 10 stars in my book!

True Companions: A Book for Everyone about the Relationships That See Us Through

[Cindy Ward · Rating 5 out of 5]

With "True Companions", Dr. Kelly Flanagan has written a Valentine to all humans who are in relationships with other humans. After having been such a fan of his previous book "Lovable", my bar for his new book was set fairly high, but Dr. Kelly surpassed it with room to spare!

I am grateful for the book's insights because I have previously explained my nearly 30-year marriage by saying, "I married my best friend," while knowing it was so much more. Now I know and can say that my husband and I quickly became true companions, starting with our deep discussions in email before we ever met face-to-face.

Valentine cards can be exchanged by friends and family members as well as romantic partners, and thus the information in this book is applicable to many different kinds of relationships. We should ALL have an assortment of true companions who accompany us on this journey we call life.

[Carter Hemphill · Rating 2 out of 5]

The author describes the concept of companionship through a series of anecdotes about his family and especially his relationship with his wife. I was expecting more Christian references, yet a lot of the book seem to be based on secular counseling ideas and stories of his life. His letters to his wife were overly confessional, sentimental, and maudlin, and his stories about his children grew tiresome. The author focused so much on his faults in his marriage, neglecting an honest perspective from his wife about her challenges in the relationship, which grew frustrating as the author seemed to bask in writing about his self-flagellation. Overall I think it’s one of IVPress weaker recent releases.

[Dagmar Kauffman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Welcoming and Wise

True Companions is another beautifully written and wise book about our humanness by Kelly Flanagan, clinical psychologist and author of Loveable. Dr. Flanagan invites us to observe our protections that often prevent us from developing deeper connection and understanding in our relationships. True Companions digs deep into the journey of growing true belonging. It is welcoming, wise and a must-read for companions of all kinds, including parents and caregivers raising children.

[Laura · Rating 5 out of 5]

I feel grateful to have come across this book! It offered me a ton of "food for thought" - my favorites being two metaphorical images (a butterfly breaking out of its cocoon and individual grains of sand that make up a beautiful beach) that I imagine will stay with me the rest of my life - offering solace, wisdom, and insight in times of loneliness and/or reflection. I admire Dr. Flanagan's openness and the way he reveals his true self within this book, which should inspire his readers to do the same within their own lives and relationships.

[Megan · Rating 3 out of 5]

Very mixed reviews of this book. A lot of very helpful, thought-provoking sections. Simultaneously a lot of cheesy and non-helpful sections. A book I would look through again to skim through highlights, but not one I would repeat read.

Overall, I liked the focus on companionship and the challenges he must overcome to companion (verb) well. I didn’t like that there were no theological categories given for any of the ideas he was fleshing out. It was very vague spiritually, and I was struggling to know whether or not the author — or the book itself — was Christian.

[JC Cloe · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kelly is a friend you didn't know you needed. His insight through personal expression and introspection make for good reading and help you to really consider how to get past things that bother you about yourself or others. He is sincere, his words are genuine and raw, and I would recommend anyone read his books any time. I'm glad to have Jellies books on my shelf as a resource for self improvement.

[Sandi Cimino · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kelly Flanagan has done it again! Through his simple yet lyrical writing, Kelly drills down to the heart of community, connection and being in relationship with others - it starts with us. Turning inward, practicing stillness, listening for grace and then opening up from our places of worthiness and authenticity, we heal ourselves, our relationships and our world through true companionship.

Get this book and read it!!

[Anne · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am loving this author and this book which is lifting me up and gifting me with new and precious insights into my friendships and my marriage. I am taking my time reading it because it is so rich, and will be buying a paperback of this when it is published so I can underline and highlight it to my heart’s content.

Thanks to NetGalley, the author and publisher for an advanced reading copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have listened to the Lovable podcast so had some exposure to Kelly Flanagan. I found this book to be even better than what I expected. I especially liked the different types of "protections" he described - and could find myself and others in most of them. I LOVED the "Go Elderly Slow" section and find the concept to be so true based on this time of my life (no, I don't consider myself elderly - yet). A good read.

[Lori Neff · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this quickly when it was first released and I recently re-read it more slowly. I'm glad I did - I was especially moved by the last section of the book.
I appreciated the attention to working through our own "stuff" and how we can be better friends, siblings, spouses, etc.

[Nancy · Rating 5 out of 5]

Kelly has a way with language that makes the complexities of relationships easier to understand. And gives his readers hope that they can make their interactions more satisfying and their human relationships enduring.

[Jesse Pichardo · Rating 4 out of 5]

I didn't know if I was going to finish this book but then I got to section three, Grow Old, Cherishing Your Time, and fell in love with part of the book. It grabbed me by the heart and gave it a hard pull.

[Marsha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Some great material for self reflection and working together as companions in life.

[Antonia Nazombe · Rating 2 out of 5]

I struggled to read this book. I didn't expect so many personal stories. I got a few nuggets though.