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The Other Mothers
When Jenn Berney and her wife decided they wanted to have children, they took the next logical step: they went to a fertility clinic. Intrauterine insemination is a simple medical procedure that has been available since the 1950s, but doctors were baffled by Jenn's situation. With no man factoring into her relationship, she was disparaged by doctors, given an inaccurate diagnosis, and her medical needs were overlooked.
Berney decided to step outside of the system, and, looking into the history of fertility and her own community, she realized queer women have a long history of being disregarded by a patriarchal medical community, and have worked around it to build families on their own terms. In The Other Mothers, Berney reflects on the odds that were stacked against her because of her sexual orientation and envisions a bright future worth fighting for. Writing with clarity, determination, and hope, Berney gives us a wonderful glimpse of what America can be.
Berney decided to step outside of the system, and, looking into the history of fertility and her own community, she realized queer women have a long history of being disregarded by a patriarchal medical community, and have worked around it to build families on their own terms. In The Other Mothers, Berney reflects on the odds that were stacked against her because of her sexual orientation and envisions a bright future worth fighting for. Writing with clarity, determination, and hope, Berney gives us a wonderful glimpse of what America can be.
336 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 74 reviews
March 22, 2021
“The Other Mother’s: Two Women’s Journey To Find The Family That Was Always Theirs” (2021) by Jennifer Burney, is an informative thoughtfully written memoir that explores lesbian motherhood. There are a vast number of complex issues, some obvious and others not so much. Burney shares the process that begins in stages: the selection of a donor and health services—that never turn out as expected, the actual IVF treatment and healthcare, pregnancy, and preparation for motherhood, aftercare and what follows.
The process to begin the journey was “dreaded” by Burney’s wife Kellie, who was often mistaken for Burney’s mother, aunt or relative. With the increased awareness of LGBTQ marriage, gay rights etc. it really isn’t the case that the medical professional establishment is free of bias and stigma, the “Male Factor Infertility” had to be listed in the paperwork. The lack of understanding and compassion by Dr. Lu and Dr. Nelson for this couple was unjustified; it was painfully obvious that their clinic only wanted to serve heterosexual couples.
The Oakland Feminist Women’s Health Center (est.1982-) is the only non-profit sperm bank in the U.S. An extension clinic, the “Rainbow Flag” (est. 1982) was the first to actively match gay male donors to lesbian couples and to recognize that lesbians needed and deserved healthcare tailored to their own needs. The demand for donor sperm would escalate tremendously with AIDS/HIV. Burney noted that had she sought care in San Francisco her and Kellie’s experience may have been quite different.
In addition, Burney addresses the question many family and friends: “Why don’t you just adopt?” In 1954, Harry and Bertha Holt, an evangelical Christian couple began an international movement to facilitate adoptions of foreign born “orphans”. Many adoption agencies today are religious and faith based and do not permit adoptions by LGBTQ parents. The adoptions of children from abroad have decreased significantly due to illegal activity: the kidnapping and trafficking of children. In any case, all adoptions are extremely expensive, and favor married heterosexual couples with high incomes. Burney’s book highlights how cultural and social stigma can be overcome with the love and understanding of family and friends. (3.5*GOOD) **With appreciation to Sourcebooks via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.
The process to begin the journey was “dreaded” by Burney’s wife Kellie, who was often mistaken for Burney’s mother, aunt or relative. With the increased awareness of LGBTQ marriage, gay rights etc. it really isn’t the case that the medical professional establishment is free of bias and stigma, the “Male Factor Infertility” had to be listed in the paperwork. The lack of understanding and compassion by Dr. Lu and Dr. Nelson for this couple was unjustified; it was painfully obvious that their clinic only wanted to serve heterosexual couples.
The Oakland Feminist Women’s Health Center (est.1982-) is the only non-profit sperm bank in the U.S. An extension clinic, the “Rainbow Flag” (est. 1982) was the first to actively match gay male donors to lesbian couples and to recognize that lesbians needed and deserved healthcare tailored to their own needs. The demand for donor sperm would escalate tremendously with AIDS/HIV. Burney noted that had she sought care in San Francisco her and Kellie’s experience may have been quite different.
In addition, Burney addresses the question many family and friends: “Why don’t you just adopt?” In 1954, Harry and Bertha Holt, an evangelical Christian couple began an international movement to facilitate adoptions of foreign born “orphans”. Many adoption agencies today are religious and faith based and do not permit adoptions by LGBTQ parents. The adoptions of children from abroad have decreased significantly due to illegal activity: the kidnapping and trafficking of children. In any case, all adoptions are extremely expensive, and favor married heterosexual couples with high incomes. Burney’s book highlights how cultural and social stigma can be overcome with the love and understanding of family and friends. (3.5*GOOD) **With appreciation to Sourcebooks via NetGalley for the DDC for the purpose of review.
August 19, 2021
Jennifer Berney knew from an early age that she wanted to be a mother. At the age of 7, she became a big sister, and in a home where neither parent was particularly attentive to her or her younger brother, she took on the role of mother all too often. She also knew from an early age that she was gay, but it wasn't until she and her life partner and later wife were already married for several years that she realized just how deeply her sexuality would impact her journey to motherhood. From agreeing on if and when to have children, to finding a suitable donor, to searching sperm bank databases for a potential match, to expensive and disappointing fertility treatments—all the while enduring homophobia and oftentimes erasure by healthcare professionals—this is a completely affecting memoir that brought me to the highs and lows of my emotional spectrum.
Berney brings her readers along on an emotional, poignant road to motherhood in her memoir The Other Mothers, and I for one am glad I went along for the ride. At times it was heartbreaking and even appalling to hear about the obstacles in place for same-sex or queer couples wanting to start a family, but this memoir was ultimately rewarding. The depth of love that the author has for her wife, friends, family, and eventual children is apparent on every page. The depth and breadth of ALL of her emotions generally were superbly captured. That's not all she includes in this excellent book; the moving personal journey Jennifer Berney writes about is woven together with well-researched anecdotes about the history of fertility treatments, the adoption process, and what both of those things mean to the LGBTQIA+ community at large. It was insightful, eye-opening, and expanded my worldview in a way I did not yet know it needed to be. I recommend this to anyone who enjoys memoirs, particularly parents and members of the LGBTQIA+ community—though I think everyone can and should benefit from perspectives like Berney's.
Berney brings her readers along on an emotional, poignant road to motherhood in her memoir The Other Mothers, and I for one am glad I went along for the ride. At times it was heartbreaking and even appalling to hear about the obstacles in place for same-sex or queer couples wanting to start a family, but this memoir was ultimately rewarding. The depth of love that the author has for her wife, friends, family, and eventual children is apparent on every page. The depth and breadth of ALL of her emotions generally were superbly captured. That's not all she includes in this excellent book; the moving personal journey Jennifer Berney writes about is woven together with well-researched anecdotes about the history of fertility treatments, the adoption process, and what both of those things mean to the LGBTQIA+ community at large. It was insightful, eye-opening, and expanded my worldview in a way I did not yet know it needed to be. I recommend this to anyone who enjoys memoirs, particularly parents and members of the LGBTQIA+ community—though I think everyone can and should benefit from perspectives like Berney's.
October 7, 2021
(3.5) Berney remembers hearing the term “test-tube baby” for the first time in a fifth-grade sex ed class taught by a lesbian teacher at her Quaker school. By that time she already had an inkling of her sexuality, so suspected that she might one day require fertility help herself.
By the time she met her partner, Kellie, she knew she wanted to be a mother; Kellie was unsure. Once they were finally on the same page, it wasn’t an easy road to motherhood. They purchased donated sperm through a fertility clinic and tried IUI, but multiple expensive attempts failed. Signs of endometriosis had doctors ready to perform invasive surgery, but in the meantime the couple had met a friend of a friend (Daniel, whose partner was Rebecca) who was prepared to be their donor. Their at-home inseminations resulted in a pregnancy – after two years of trying to conceive – and, ultimately, in their son. Three years later, they did the whole thing all over again. Rebecca had sons at roughly the same time, too, giving their boys the equivalent of same-age cousins – a lovely, unconventional extended family.
It surprised me that the infertility business seemed entirely set up for heterosexual couples – so much so that a doctor diagnosed the problem, completely seriously, in Berney’s chart as “Male Factor Infertility.” This was in Washington state in c. 2008, before the countrywide legalization of gay marriage, so it’s possible the situation would be different now, or that the couple would have had a different experience had they been based somewhere like San Francisco where there is a wide support network and many gay-friendly resources.
Berney finds the joy and absurdity in their journey as well as the many setbacks. I warmed to the book as it went along: early on, it dragged a bit as she surveyed her younger years and traced the history of IVF and alternatives like international adoption. As the storyline drew closer to the present day, there was more detail and tenderness and I was more engaged. I’d read more from this author.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
By the time she met her partner, Kellie, she knew she wanted to be a mother; Kellie was unsure. Once they were finally on the same page, it wasn’t an easy road to motherhood. They purchased donated sperm through a fertility clinic and tried IUI, but multiple expensive attempts failed. Signs of endometriosis had doctors ready to perform invasive surgery, but in the meantime the couple had met a friend of a friend (Daniel, whose partner was Rebecca) who was prepared to be their donor. Their at-home inseminations resulted in a pregnancy – after two years of trying to conceive – and, ultimately, in their son. Three years later, they did the whole thing all over again. Rebecca had sons at roughly the same time, too, giving their boys the equivalent of same-age cousins – a lovely, unconventional extended family.
It surprised me that the infertility business seemed entirely set up for heterosexual couples – so much so that a doctor diagnosed the problem, completely seriously, in Berney’s chart as “Male Factor Infertility.” This was in Washington state in c. 2008, before the countrywide legalization of gay marriage, so it’s possible the situation would be different now, or that the couple would have had a different experience had they been based somewhere like San Francisco where there is a wide support network and many gay-friendly resources.
Berney finds the joy and absurdity in their journey as well as the many setbacks. I warmed to the book as it went along: early on, it dragged a bit as she surveyed her younger years and traced the history of IVF and alternatives like international adoption. As the storyline drew closer to the present day, there was more detail and tenderness and I was more engaged. I’d read more from this author.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
November 21, 2020
Jennifer Berney's memoir on the struggles and triumphs of lesbian love, conception, motherhood, and family--and of how devastating the patriarchal models for medicine, fertility, family, and society remain--is a terrific, enraging, and uplifting read. I loved it and am already missing the memorable lives within its pages.
March 11, 2022
An unflinching, intimate look at what one lesbian couple went through in order to have children. I’m really glad I read this book. I was lucky enough not to have to go through fertility treatments to have my children but I know women who did, and the monthly disappointments were heartbreaking for them. Plus how expensive these things can be. Add in “the system” not being particularly welcoming for lesbian couples. (“Male Factor Infertility” is what the clinics had to list as the reason they were there!) Her description of her labor and delivery brought back vivid memories, for sure! Jennifer and Kellie’s journey to motherhood was a complex path and I’m so happy they found a way to become a family.
While I received the eARC from NetGalley, I wound up mostly listening to the published audiobook by Tantor Audio. The narrator, Xe Sands, did an excellent job. Thank you to NetGalley and Sourcebooks for the opportunity to read an advance readers copy of this book. All opinions are my own.
December 13, 2021
The Other Mothers // by Jennifer Berney
Wow. This book blew me away. It's not often that I feel this many emotions while reading, though when I do it's usually with non-fiction books such as this one. Jennifer Berney did an incredible job writing about her experiences and I loved the way she included information and the history of gynecology. I do have to warn you and say that some of that history is absolutely horrifying. I had to stop reading multiple times to take some deep breaths because the details can be very hard to stomach. I still am glad she included that though because I feel that it is important to know how our (still in need of much improvement) healthcare has arrived to its current point. But my emotions weren't just negative with lots of sad tears. No, I also cried with joy at her highs and laughed at some of her antics. This is truly a journey I am very thankful to have been able to read about. Thank you for taking the energy to write this book. It is important and I hope many people will pick it up and read it.
Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
Wow. This book blew me away. It's not often that I feel this many emotions while reading, though when I do it's usually with non-fiction books such as this one. Jennifer Berney did an incredible job writing about her experiences and I loved the way she included information and the history of gynecology. I do have to warn you and say that some of that history is absolutely horrifying. I had to stop reading multiple times to take some deep breaths because the details can be very hard to stomach. I still am glad she included that though because I feel that it is important to know how our (still in need of much improvement) healthcare has arrived to its current point. But my emotions weren't just negative with lots of sad tears. No, I also cried with joy at her highs and laughed at some of her antics. This is truly a journey I am very thankful to have been able to read about. Thank you for taking the energy to write this book. It is important and I hope many people will pick it up and read it.
Thank you to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for providing me with a free copy in exchange for an honest review.
July 21, 2023
In checking off a local author box on my summer book bingo card, this book jumped out at me. It was interesting to learn about fertility treatments from the queer perspective since I experienced it from my own. I learned a lot and found it interesting to read about, though a bit triggering to read about the emotional roller coaster and think back to our own.
August 16, 2023
“When you break from the contract of cisgender heterosexuality, you depart from the social expectations of marriage, of children, of gender, and you risk losing family members who may reject you. You are essentially, in the moment of coming out, alone in the world, hanging your life on a single truth about yourself. It never stops feeling that way. … It’s a fundamentally queer principle to build a family out of the pieces you have, to pick and choose what stays and what goes. Queers have always defined family differently than the culture at large.”
This was such a good read. I learned so much about queer family, motherhood, and their challenges. I’m grateful the author touched on so many aspects of history in women’s healthcare and policies surrounding LGBTQ+ people and their families. The feeling of relief when reading about experiences, questions, fears, thoughts, and feelings that reflect some of your own is incredibly special. It makes you think, “right, someone has walked this path before,” and all of a sudden the world feels a little more navigable.
This was such a good read. I learned so much about queer family, motherhood, and their challenges. I’m grateful the author touched on so many aspects of history in women’s healthcare and policies surrounding LGBTQ+ people and their families. The feeling of relief when reading about experiences, questions, fears, thoughts, and feelings that reflect some of your own is incredibly special. It makes you think, “right, someone has walked this path before,” and all of a sudden the world feels a little more navigable.
July 2, 2021
The Other Mothers (Source Books, 2011), by accomplished essayist Jennifer Berney, is a moving and engaging chronicle of one couple’s very personal struggle to become parents. Berney’s first published memoir is also an important history lesson on the institutional and social barriers to parenting for the LGBTQ+ community. Either narrative thread could have stood on its own; blending the two results in a story that will connect with readers on an emotional level, while also raising awareness and providing information that may be new for many readers.
The Other Mothers charts the narrator’s circuitous, years-long, often arduous journey—emotionally, logistically and financially—to ultimately conceive and give birth to the couple’s first child, a healthy son. Even knowing the outcome, the immediacy and vibrancy of the prose creates tension, empathy, and forward momentum; you will find yourself compelled to keep flipping the pages. After years pursuing and exhausting all conventional avenues to conception with frustrating results, the couple turns to family friends for sperm. This nuance of the story, which results in a beautiful expansion of the meaning of “family,” provides some of the memoir’s many resonant moments.
With vivid scenes and reflection, the narrator’s search for support, assistance, and guidance is brought to life. After myriad experiences of otherness and outright hostility and disregard, it is labor that breaks down the barriers.
The author writes, “In the hours I spent birthing my child and the two days that followed, my queerness was nearly invisible.” And this: “. . . it’s possible that the urgency of delivery eliminated some of the room for missteps and awkwardness that were so common in other interactions. With all of us—mothers, midwife, doctor, nurse—focused on the same imminent goal, it felt natural to coalesce.” As it should; as it always should.
Berney’s memoir/history lesson is a book not only for the LGBTQ+ community, but for anyone contemplating parenthood, and for those who are already parents, no matter their orientation or path. One woman’s deep desire and unwavering commitment to raise children with her partner is a vivid portrayal of the power and strength of love, community, and determination. It is also a valuable reminder for those for whom conception and becoming a family came easily, that the barriers and impediments are real.
Story Circle Book Reviews thanks Dorothy Rice for this review.
The Other Mothers charts the narrator’s circuitous, years-long, often arduous journey—emotionally, logistically and financially—to ultimately conceive and give birth to the couple’s first child, a healthy son. Even knowing the outcome, the immediacy and vibrancy of the prose creates tension, empathy, and forward momentum; you will find yourself compelled to keep flipping the pages. After years pursuing and exhausting all conventional avenues to conception with frustrating results, the couple turns to family friends for sperm. This nuance of the story, which results in a beautiful expansion of the meaning of “family,” provides some of the memoir’s many resonant moments.
With vivid scenes and reflection, the narrator’s search for support, assistance, and guidance is brought to life. After myriad experiences of otherness and outright hostility and disregard, it is labor that breaks down the barriers.
The author writes, “In the hours I spent birthing my child and the two days that followed, my queerness was nearly invisible.” And this: “. . . it’s possible that the urgency of delivery eliminated some of the room for missteps and awkwardness that were so common in other interactions. With all of us—mothers, midwife, doctor, nurse—focused on the same imminent goal, it felt natural to coalesce.” As it should; as it always should.
Berney’s memoir/history lesson is a book not only for the LGBTQ+ community, but for anyone contemplating parenthood, and for those who are already parents, no matter their orientation or path. One woman’s deep desire and unwavering commitment to raise children with her partner is a vivid portrayal of the power and strength of love, community, and determination. It is also a valuable reminder for those for whom conception and becoming a family came easily, that the barriers and impediments are real.
Story Circle Book Reviews thanks Dorothy Rice for this review.
December 28, 2020
What an intimate, compelling, beautiful story of creating a family. This is a well-researched exploration of the history of reproduction, and Berney doesn't shy away from pointing out how often queer families have been overlooked, sidelined, and ignored, often forced to figure out their own innovative, community-oriented ways of building families outside the medical industry. Interspersed with Berney's amazing research and accessible overview of fertility treatments, readers also get to follow along as Berney and her wife journey together toward parenthood. I was incredibly emotionally involved in this part of the story; Berney's such a vivid, compassionate writer that you truly feel like you're experiencing each challenge, setback, milestone, and triumph right alongside her family. This story is fresh and classic, a perfect exploration of the resilience and love of queer families.
October 15, 2020
*ARC provided by #netgalley
Author Jennifer Berney gives us an honest, tender, and powerful account of her often fraught road to motherhood as a queer woman. Jennifer and her wife Kellie want to start a family, and they soon learn that sadly, much of the medical community isn’t equipped for a queer couple. Jennifer is misdiagnosed, often dismissed, and at one point during a visit to a fertility clinic, Kellie is listed as having “experiencing male infertility”. Treatments such as IVF are no doubt difficult for any couple, but it’s made even harder through what Jennifer and Kellie experience. Jennifer also explores motherhood as a whole, tracing its historical roots and what it really means to be a family, unconventional means of bringing a baby into the world, and how often straight women are favored as a whole in society.
My heart often broke hearing Jennifer’s story, and my blood would boil too each time a doctor treated her unfairly. I have read many memoirs about motherhood and I loved how unflinchingly honest and tender this one was. It really opened my eyes to a different type of experience.
February 1, 2021
Jennifer Berney details her journey to motherhood in this candid memoir. The Other Mothers is beautifully written, and is equally moving as it is informative. Berney, who identifies as queer, interrogates how heteronormativity has shaped the prospects of her having children, as she navigates starting her own alternative family. In this book, she explores the history of alternative families in the queer community and of assisted reproduction technology facilities. Berney is honest - she talks about reproductive issues that we often merely skirt around. Not everybody wants children, not everybody can make children, sometimes it takes time. This book is simultaneously tear-jerking and heart-warming. It evoked joy with the victories and a tiny bit of glum with the disappointments. The pages are filled not only with Berney’s story, but with so many bits of history and knowledge, that it makes a great read for a very wide audience. Intimate, compelling and an overall satisfying read.
February 12, 2024
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
I’m struggling with how to summarize both the themes of this book & my feelings around them. A gay woman & her partner want to become parents but the road is far from easy. From homophobia to bigotry to quiet distain, they encounter so many unnecessary road blocks & uphill battles simply to grow their family.
With an eloquent explanation of the history/functioning of sperm banks as well as the longstanding bond between gay men & lesbians, she describes the multiple roads LGBTQ families can take to expand their families.
I also really appreciate the evolving conversation about what makes family, the role of genes/blood vs nurture/presence. How the act of “fathering” refers to creating a child & the act of “mothering” is the raising of that child. So many poignant & profound thoughts, lessons & stories shared in this book. I really enjoyed the author’s candor & vulnerability describing the road she & her partner took to add to their family.
I’m struggling with how to summarize both the themes of this book & my feelings around them. A gay woman & her partner want to become parents but the road is far from easy. From homophobia to bigotry to quiet distain, they encounter so many unnecessary road blocks & uphill battles simply to grow their family.
With an eloquent explanation of the history/functioning of sperm banks as well as the longstanding bond between gay men & lesbians, she describes the multiple roads LGBTQ families can take to expand their families.
I also really appreciate the evolving conversation about what makes family, the role of genes/blood vs nurture/presence. How the act of “fathering” refers to creating a child & the act of “mothering” is the raising of that child. So many poignant & profound thoughts, lessons & stories shared in this book. I really enjoyed the author’s candor & vulnerability describing the road she & her partner took to add to their family.
February 19, 2021
I had the pleasure of reading The Other Mothers by Jennifer Berney. We follow Jenn and her wife's journey to start a family with all of the challenges and joys experienced along the way. You will get angry reading about the homophobia Jenn experienced, such as cold doctors who didn't give her the time necessary for quality healthcare and having to constantly cross off "husband" on her medical forms. This really showed me how heteronormative practices in the medical field are pervasive and need to be changed. I also really appreciated the sections that discussed the history around queer women accessing fertility services. Jenn also expresses her emotions throughout the journey in such an honest way that really conveys her experience to the reader. I am so glad this memoir exists and this is the representation that is needed in nonfiction. I highly encourage you to read it.
July 19, 2023
At first I thought: what kind of queer person goes into a marriage and not talk about kids? As kids don’t happen by accident, it should be one of those important topics. But as I listened on, I grew to like Jenny. I enjoyed her journey and I remembered our own, I grieved and cheered and marveled.
Great book 🫶🏻
Great book 🫶🏻
April 6, 2021
I listened to the audio version of this book and the narrator really made this book work for me to listen too.
It was thought provoking and real. As women and a mother, what the characters faced as lesbian couple was something that I had never really thought of. Although as women could fully resonate in ways with, especially when it came to male Drs really not seeing us.
It was thought provoking and real. As women and a mother, what the characters faced as lesbian couple was something that I had never really thought of. Although as women could fully resonate in ways with, especially when it came to male Drs really not seeing us.
October 10, 2020
There is something warm and endearing yet intelligent about Jennifer Berney's voice. This book feels tender, honest and yet straight-forward. It masterfully weaves together her experience trying to get pregnant with interesting details about the history of "test tube babies," IVF and the whole world of fertility treatments. Woven in are powerful observations about herteronormativity and homophobia. I don't have kids, but I have undergone "alternative" inseminations while married to a woman, so a lot of this I related to. But you don't have to have that life experience to appreciate this book.
Favorite quote:
"I thought of my grandmothers, whom I knew, and the great-grandmothers whom I had never met, grandmothers who may never have approved of my life as it was but who forged a path all the same. I thought of of all of them, before me, bearing children. I thought of their fears and imagined them alone in those fears, their husbands off at the bar, or off at sea, or sleeping beside the, likely unaware that women had worries of substance. Something about the thought of them, their worries and their lives, the fact thatthey had carried on and made it to the end and then departed, entering the realm of air and light--something about this was a comfort to me, bigger than the shape of my own fears."
Thank you NetGalley for the ARC of this wonderful book.
Favorite quote:
"I thought of my grandmothers, whom I knew, and the great-grandmothers whom I had never met, grandmothers who may never have approved of my life as it was but who forged a path all the same. I thought of of all of them, before me, bearing children. I thought of their fears and imagined them alone in those fears, their husbands off at the bar, or off at sea, or sleeping beside the, likely unaware that women had worries of substance. Something about the thought of them, their worries and their lives, the fact thatthey had carried on and made it to the end and then departed, entering the realm of air and light--something about this was a comfort to me, bigger than the shape of my own fears."
Thank you NetGalley for the ARC of this wonderful book.
November 6, 2020
I received a free copy of this ARC from NetGalley.com to read and give an honest review on.
Jennifer Berney's memoir about her path to motherhood as a lesbian who faced fertility issues and medical establishments that wouldn't or couldn't truly see her was a story that needs to be told (and heard!) In our society. So often people assume that things should be easy for the LGBTQ+ community now, but there are real issues still happening every day. By telling her story, Jennifer takes us along on a journey that is both painful and ultimately beautiful.
This book is a must-read. Even as a member of the LGBTQ+ community myself, I didn't realize the things we still face! A lesbian seeking to do an IUI or IVF will be diagnosed in paperwork as the couple having male-factor infertility. I had never even THOUGHT about that. My eyes were opened repeatedly reading Jennifer's path through doctors and specialists in an effort to make her dream of a child a reality. We can all stand to keep learning, and I think this is a great resource, told in a funny and emotional way.
Jennifer Berney's memoir about her path to motherhood as a lesbian who faced fertility issues and medical establishments that wouldn't or couldn't truly see her was a story that needs to be told (and heard!) In our society. So often people assume that things should be easy for the LGBTQ+ community now, but there are real issues still happening every day. By telling her story, Jennifer takes us along on a journey that is both painful and ultimately beautiful.
This book is a must-read. Even as a member of the LGBTQ+ community myself, I didn't realize the things we still face! A lesbian seeking to do an IUI or IVF will be diagnosed in paperwork as the couple having male-factor infertility. I had never even THOUGHT about that. My eyes were opened repeatedly reading Jennifer's path through doctors and specialists in an effort to make her dream of a child a reality. We can all stand to keep learning, and I think this is a great resource, told in a funny and emotional way.
January 5, 2021
I loved this book. It has my favorite kind of writing--smart, insightful, researched, and warm. Jennifer is an amazing writer and her story is so important. Once I started reading, I couldn't put this book down.
June 23, 2021
Loved this book, and this gentle, astute writer. A research-informed memoir about two women creating a family and the history of fertility within the LGBTQ community. A story of love, inclusion, and longing.
October 10, 2020
Jennifer Berney is a fantastic writer--thoughtful, incisive and funny.
May 8, 2021
This is our May evening North Wales Library book group choice and I commend our librarian Jayne for choosing it. It will make a great book group discussion. It is about time that we treat the LGBTQ community as regular upstanding people and not as outcasts. This book covers a topic that is very, very close and personal to me...wanting a child and being a mother...Just because a girl is a lesbian doesn't mean that she doesn't have the desire to be a mother. This memoir traces Jennifer's journey to become a mother and it is not an easy one. The doctors,nurses and fertility specialists that she first dealt with were not very nice or accomodating to her because of her being gay. The preconceived notions and prejudice that was shown in how they treated her was abominable. She took us through her infertility journey which was so honest. She showed everyone what a family is not necessarily blood ties. I related to all the testing, etc. that she went through and the disappointments and miscarriages as I experienced some of it myself. I felt for her throughout and knew why she didn't adopt when people asked her too. Having adopted a daughter and conceiving a son we are on both sides . Jennifer and Kelly would have had a horrific time adopting at that time because of the fact that they were gay. Now things are very different back then they weren't . I highly recommend this book as it dealt with Lesbian motherhood, healthcare, infertility, pregnancy as well as aftercare. I give it 5 stars. I recommend this book to all to read as it is an honest memoir of family and love and what some people have to go through to become a mother.
June 9, 2021
Many couples struggle to have children. Various circumstances, including infertility, work against them. But it’s twice as hard when the couple is two women. In this marvelous memoir, Jenn and Kellie struggle first to decide whether they both want to try. Kellie is older and not as keen on having a baby, but ultimately she agrees. Then they need sperm to get Jenn pregnant. They try to go through the system, but medical professionals are mostly disapproving or clueless. After 10 attempts with donor sperm fail, the doctors refuse to give Jenn the standard diagnostic tests a straight woman would have gotten much sooner, tests that would have shown problems that could be easily fixed. They’re out of money and losing hope. Ultimately the couple finds a solution with the help of their friends, but I won’t spoil the story with details. It has only been a few decades since parenthood was even considered a possibility for the LGBTQ community, and prejudice continues. This book is an eye-opener, laced with research on the challenges facing same-sex couples who want to have children. It’s also a darned good story.
December 25, 2020
This beautiful book is a must read. It tells the story of two women meant for motherhood, and the difficult path they were forced to travel in order to get what should have been easily won. Jennifer Berney's clean, poetic writing tells a heart wrenching tale of loneliness, desire, and determination, as her intimate narration becomes universal, permeated with the realities of love and longing and belonging.
The memoir is enhanced by Berney's integration of research and evidence and backstory, opening the reader's eyes to an outdated and exclusive medical system that desperately needs to be revamped and reevaluated. This book poses necessary questions about biological ties, women's health, and expectations surrounding our individual and collective fates. The Other Mothers displays the power of community--of friends and extended family--and the way we can make our own rules, design our own lives and reassess the meaning of the stories told by history. Jennifer Berney's voice and authentic storytelling is exquisite; it was an honor and a pleasure to follow her home.
The memoir is enhanced by Berney's integration of research and evidence and backstory, opening the reader's eyes to an outdated and exclusive medical system that desperately needs to be revamped and reevaluated. This book poses necessary questions about biological ties, women's health, and expectations surrounding our individual and collective fates. The Other Mothers displays the power of community--of friends and extended family--and the way we can make our own rules, design our own lives and reassess the meaning of the stories told by history. Jennifer Berney's voice and authentic storytelling is exquisite; it was an honor and a pleasure to follow her home.
February 2, 2021
Thank you to NetGalley and the publishers for the chance to read The Other Mothers by Jennifer Berney.
This was a memoir that I couldn’t put down, I always fine it difficult to review and rate books like this, it’s someone’s life, someone’s story and the idea of someone saying it’s worth a two or three star is exhausting; but I easily give this five out of five.
Jennifer recalls the story of her journey to motherhood as a young, gay woman living in America. Combined with some actual stats and facts about pregnancy, adoption and even the history of female medical tools you find yourself as a key player in her life. From heartbreak, to relationships, from family dynamics, to joy, surprise and love you’ll go on this journey with Jennifer and Kellie (her partner) as they find out what it means to be a mother.
May 26, 2021
What does it take to create a family? How do we define fatherhood? How about motherhood? What value do we place on sperm?
These are just a few of the questions Jennifer Berney explores in her beautifully written memoir The Other Mothers: Two Women’s Journey to Find the Family that Was Always There.
Jennifer artfully weaves her journey toward motherhood (which had me totally hooked) with research on queer family creation, the origins of the fertility industry (eugenics, anyone?), and the deference we give to fathers.
I was equally entertained and educated as I read her book. It was such a delight to see how Jennifer and her partner were able to create a family in spite of the obstacles they faced.
It’s a must read for anyone who wants to expand their understanding of family or the conversations we have around fertility.
These are just a few of the questions Jennifer Berney explores in her beautifully written memoir The Other Mothers: Two Women’s Journey to Find the Family that Was Always There.
Jennifer artfully weaves her journey toward motherhood (which had me totally hooked) with research on queer family creation, the origins of the fertility industry (eugenics, anyone?), and the deference we give to fathers.
I was equally entertained and educated as I read her book. It was such a delight to see how Jennifer and her partner were able to create a family in spite of the obstacles they faced.
It’s a must read for anyone who wants to expand their understanding of family or the conversations we have around fertility.
December 2, 2020
I was blown away by this striking memoir of a couple’s experience with conceiving. The author expertly crafted her story with historical facts and scientific research so you could get a complete understanding of the social backstory impacting her own. I was also drawn to this story as it takes place in the PNW where I am from and returned to as an adult. It was emotional, but informative and not always surprising, to read about the systems that create poor care for lgbtq couples and how that directly impacted their quest for a family. Despite that, this book is inspiring and full of love: from the community, their family, and each other. Thanks netgalley for a copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.
January 9, 2021
The Other Mothers talks about infertility and pregnancy from a unique perspective: Jenn and her wife Kellie want a baby, but where do they obtain the necessary sperm? Jenn describes their and her experience since she was the one who would carry the baby and get inseminated. They couple tries different avenues and is very candid with the successes, failures, and the complications of every choice they made. I read this book with great interest. The traditional nuclear family has expanded to incorporate all different types of definitions of what constitutes a family. It’s an enlightening read, delving onto a gay couple’s path to parenthood. Thanks to NetGalley and Sourcebooks for the early read..
January 12, 2021
I was blown away by this intimate memoir of a lesbian couple’s journey to motherhood.
Jennifer Berney tells the struggles and triumphs of conception, motherhood, and family as a queer woman. Her story is enhanced by the integration of research and evidence, opening my eyes to the outdated and exclusive models for medicine and fertility.
It was heart wrenching to read about Jennifer’s experience and path of doctors and specialists in an effort to make her dream of being a mother a reality. With no man factoring into her relationship, she was misdiagnosed, often disparaged by doctors, and her medical needs were overlooked.
The Other Mothers is raw, honest, interesting, and informative. I highly recommend.
*ARC provided by NetGalley. Thank you for the chance to read this book!
Jennifer Berney tells the struggles and triumphs of conception, motherhood, and family as a queer woman. Her story is enhanced by the integration of research and evidence, opening my eyes to the outdated and exclusive models for medicine and fertility.
It was heart wrenching to read about Jennifer’s experience and path of doctors and specialists in an effort to make her dream of being a mother a reality. With no man factoring into her relationship, she was misdiagnosed, often disparaged by doctors, and her medical needs were overlooked.
The Other Mothers is raw, honest, interesting, and informative. I highly recommend.
*ARC provided by NetGalley. Thank you for the chance to read this book!
April 7, 2021
A poignant and informative memoir about a lesbian couple trying to have a child of their own, Berney's writing is eloquent and concise, full of emotion and practical knowledge. We learn extensively about the process of finding a sperm donor, the failures of the medical system in dealing with same-sex couples, the challenges of adoption, and the heartbreaking extent some couples must go in order to have children.
I was so moved by Berney's experience. There are many components of her experience that are not typical, but just as many that heterosexual couples also go through. I have a much better understanding of the obstacles gay couples face when it comes to family planning and much more empathy for them.
I was so moved by Berney's experience. There are many components of her experience that are not typical, but just as many that heterosexual couples also go through. I have a much better understanding of the obstacles gay couples face when it comes to family planning and much more empathy for them.
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