Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents

by Kara Hoppe, Stan Tatkin, Terry Real (Foreword)

Before you succeed at parenting, you need to succeed as a couple! Baby Bomb is the resource you need when a new baby turns your life—and your romantic relationship—upside down. A baby is a blessing—and also a completely life-altering event. If you’re like many new parents, nothing could have fully prepared you for the exhaustion of late-night feedings, the explosive diapers, the evaporation of your free time, the pure joy, and the moments of pure terror. In the midst of these hazy, early months, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. And when you’re overwhelmed, it’s easy to put your romantic relationship on the back burner. But, more and more, research shows that in order to be the best parents you can be, you and your partner need to make sure that your needs—as a couple—are also met.  Written by a psychologist and relationship expert, Baby Bomb offers powerful tools based in psychology and neurobiology to help you and your partner co-parent and co-partner as a solid and supportive team—while also cultivating mad love for each other! You’ll find more than just “tips” for better parenting and partnering; you’ll discover how a secure-functioning relationship is essential for raising happy, healthy kids. This isn’t a book with advice about how to have a romantic candlelit dinner while your baby is screaming in the other room. It’s a road map for getting on the same page about your expectations as parents, about your needs as humans, and about how to maintain a strong and lasting relationship in the face of, well, a baby bomb.

Genres: Parenting, Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, Relationships, Mental Health, Adult

184 pages, Paperback

Published July 1, 2021

About the author

Kara Hoppe, MA, MFT, is a psychotherapist, teacher, feminist, and mother. She has spent more than a decade as an inclusive therapist working with individuals and couples toward healing and growing, and toward becoming grounded, integrated people with better access to their own instincts, wisdom, and creativity. Hoppe also offers workshops for parents and expectant couples, based on her book Baby Bomb: A Relationship Survival Guide for New Parents. She lives with her husband and son in Pioneertown, CA, and sees clients in private practice via telehealth. You can learn more about her at karahoppe.com.

Reviews

[Anné Jude Anderson · Rating 3 out of 5]

I love the concept of this book, and as an expectant parent I definitely bookmarked several pages. However, I didn’t get much from the hypothetical stories (of which there were many), and I found some of the material a little too rambling. I have received similar information in a live class setting, which stuck with me more than this book. Overall it’s a decent read for a parent to be, but I think this perspective is better served up in person if you’re able to grab a pre-baby course or session.

[Jillian Duchnowski]

When you are bone-tired and mentally drained from caring for a newborn (and learning what works for your newborn), you need something that's easy to understand and pleasant to read. This book delivers: The authors explain the concepts will and illustrate them with sample conversations I could totally imagine my husband and I having. It's frankly good advice for couples who don't have kids, but it will help modern couples navigate the minefield of having a child in the 21st century.

(Received free copy from Net Galley in exchange for honest review.)

[Marlene121 · Rating 4 out of 5]

It makes sense to put the couple first to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship post babies.
The book gives a nice overview on how to self- reflect and practice various tools that help deeper understanding, communication and problem solving in the challenging times of building a family.

[Meg · Rating 2 out of 5]

Relies VERY heavily on best-case scenarios wherein both partners are well-slept, regulated, understanding, and in a patient mood. Some parts are helpful (remembering what my own needs are??), but mostly this book sticks to examples that play out pretty unrealistically.

[David Nash · Rating 3 out of 5]

The couple come first! Parachute yourself before the baby

[Roots.Branches.Wellness · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was excited to read Baby Bomb because it fits so well with my clinical practice: maternal mental health and couples! Thank you @newharbinger for sending me a copy. The author @karahoppe draws from her personal experience and her work as a therapist to help couples avoid some of the pitfalls that can come with a "baby bomb." She writes about fighting fair, postpartum sex, attachment styles, and how to "sherlock" to read your partner's cues to maintain your connection. I highly recommend it for expecting parents!

"When your baby bomb goes off, your family leaps from two to three (or more), and you have a zillion new decisions to make, it can be hard to follow the first guiding principle: the couple comes first. I like to look at parental decision making from the perspective of insiders and outsiders. You two are the insiders in all your glory as co-captain of your family ship. Everyone else is an outsider. Including your child. The key is to maintain your status as insiders while allowing support from outsiders. When you put the security of your partnership at the forefront, you can relax, knowing that neither of you will be blindsided by a decision an outsider was allowed to make. This cultivates trust, ease, and creativity in your parenting and partnering."

""The seeds of new parents' individual and marital problems are sown long before their first baby arrives." Those old unconscious or unresolved issues simply rise to the surface. For example, if you're angry your partner isn't changing enough diapers now, chances are your relationship already had latent issues related to equity."

"I believe one thing that makes it hard for birthing mamas to think about sex again is that most of us don't have a space in which the birth event can be metabolized and healed in a loving way."

[Leonor Silva · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book starts off well with some really useful and insights and guidelines on how to navigate coupledom with the addition of a baby.
However, by the middle, the author starts rambling and the baby premisse is almost completely lost. Also, whether intentionally or not, the author seems to be pushing some kind of ultra feminist agenda in which the man is always portrayed as the brute, insensitive or clueless idiot. This I could have done without.

[Joelmir Baumgratz · Rating 1 out of 5]

Talvez o original inglês seja razoável mas a tradução é sofrível e o conteúdo base não parece muito bom.
Talvez se este for o o primeiro livro que alguém lê sobre paternalidade e desafios da chegada de um bebê, tenha algumas coisas úteis. Achei mais do mesmo de outros livros, com exemplos anedóticos sem muita profundidade.
E a tradução deixa muito a desejar. Sem nenhuma adaptação de expressões e coisas que fazem sentido em inglês mas tem pouco nexo em português.

[Kimberly Johnson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Everyone knows how challenging new parenting is on relationships. It's the elephant in the room, what everyone is scared of, but is not quite sure how to talk about. This book lays out very practical tools in how to stay connected, how to weather this tough transition to be each other's allies not enemies, and to create the strongest foundation possible for your family.

[Maureen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Principles are very basic. If you are in a struggling relationship and don’t already have good communication skills, this book may be helpful. Otherwise, it may be repetitive and self-explanatory for couples that already have a strong foundation.

[Mackenzie Albrecht · Rating 3 out of 5]

I listened to the audio of this book with a 6/7 week old baby. Some of the suggestions were helpful, but most of it was just common sense if you’re not a jerk to your partner. This book may be more helpful to new parents who have a rocky relationship with their partner.

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book gives some good advice on topics that need to be discussed in a partnership when having a baby.
Some of the example scenarios were somewhat cringy and unrealistic but overall, I think they address some of the most common issues relationships face when bringing kids into the mix.

[Jessica Zimmerman · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is very typical self help and I found a lot of it to be boring and not actionable. Like the part where you’re supposed to set a 15 min timer and just stare into your partners eyes to feel connected to them? Please 😂

[Lisa Gray · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good book on helping your relationship after having a baby. Full review up on my blog soon, www.therapybooknook.com

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75⭐️

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some interesting or helpful ideas mixed with some really cheesy scenarios

[Sheila · Rating 3 out of 5]

The stories were very corny, but some of the couples activities were fun and quite helpful!

[Hazza · Rating 4 out of 5]

قرأت الكتاب بترجمة إيناس حلمي، اعجبني أن الموضوع لم يناقش بتوسع من قبل والفكرة الرئيسية هي التواصل وباقي الكتاب تقنيات للتواصل.

[Annie · Rating 1 out of 5]

There was practically nothing in this book that I didn’t already know. It’s very basic and covers things that really should be obvious.

[Gianna Colera · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a couples therapist who specializes in new parents. I HIGHLY recommend this one.

[Stephanie Pinch · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've lead some perinatal parent groups around this book and find the overarching themes really helpful for new parents. It can give great common language.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 4 out of 5]

This parenting book focuses on the quality of the parents' partnership as key to their health and happiness, as well as that of their child. The author writes from a counseling perspective, with lots of good advice for how parents can navigate the major changes of parenthood while still tending to the health of their own relationship and making it a priority. She shares insights from attachment theory and from other elements of psychology, and she writes in a way that makes this information accessible to people regardless of their background with or interest in psychological concepts.

This book is easy to read, and it also feels personal, since the author shares stories about her experiences with her husband and son. The book has a casual, personable tone without being artificially chatty, and some of the advice is exceptionally good and hard to find elsewhere. I would recommend this to couples who are preparing to have children, and to those who already have kids. The author primarily targets this to people adjusting to life with a firstborn, but she mentions near the beginning that this book can also be helpful to people who are adjusting to life with a new baby when they already have children.

This book includes examples from different family structures, and many of the illustrations include LGBT couples. Personally, I found the illustrations cheesy regardless what kind of couples they represented, and some of the dialogue felt forced as the author tried to illustrate ways that an interaction could go wrong and ways that someone could approach the interaction differently or salvage it later based on the principles she has introduced. It's definitely helpful to see the concepts in action, but I found many of the examples contrived.

My other critique has to do with statistics. The author sometimes provides clear context and nuance surrounding data that she reports in the book, but other times, she brings in data to make a feminist point without providing nuance around it. For example, when she writes about the challenges that women face when returning to work, she provides statistics about working mothers' reduced earning power without acknowledging that many women deliberately, freely choose to return to work with reduced hours, or take a lower-stress job, so that they can spend more time with their baby.

I am not claiming that wage injustice never happens, because of course it does. Still, there is a tremendous difference between saying that some women face unfair obstacles in returning to work at their previous wage level and claiming that all wage differences are based on discrimination, not also women's personal preferences and lifestyle choices. The author states that "working mothers earn only 71 cents for every dollar paid to working fathers," but she doesn't cite this information, and she doesn't acknowledge that many families with two working parents bring in unequal wages on purpose, because Mom wants to spend more time at home.

I would recommend this book to people who are planning to become parents, have just had a baby, or want to continue fostering their own relationship years into having kids. This is a very helpful resource with lots of clearly explained psychological concepts and practical advice for prioritizing the couples' relationship, meeting each other's needs, and working through obstacles as a team. It's important to read it with discernment when the author makes sweeping claims without nuance, but I would definitely still recommend this.

I received a PDF copy through NetGalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Kristen · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a new mom (3 month old baby), I’ve found this book so helpful mostly in the way of good reminders and suggestions because the time is passing by so quickly, making time for your relationship / partner is something you have to purposefully do (at least in my case!)