Let Go of the Guilt: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Take Back Your Joy

by Valorie Burton

Learn how to leave guilt behind for good! Life coach Valorie Burton teaches you a simple yet profound method that will free you from the “false guilt” that is so common among busy women today.

Even women who feel fulfilled often struggle to meet the demands of modern life. Both working and stay-at-home moms agree that the expectations of women have risen dramatically in recent decades.

As a result, many women overcompensate and over-apologize while the guilt dampens the joy of motherhood, relationships, and professional accomplishments. Let Go of the Guilt helps you peel back the layers of emotional, cultural, and spiritual expectations that make it difficult to navigate your multiple roles, dreams, and daily demands on your life.

Through her signature self-coaching process, powerful questions, and practical research, Valorie Burton shows you how

Recognize and overcome the five thought patterns of guiltBreak the surprising habit that tempts you to subconsciously choose guilt over joy,Stop guilt from sneaking its way into your everyday decisions and interactions, Flip those guilt trips so you can keep others from manipulating you, andStop setting yourself up for stress, anxiety, and obligation, and instead set yourself for a life of joy and freedomValorie’s journaling questions and research-based process will shift your perspective, give you clarity and courage, and equip you with a plan of action to let go of the guilt for good.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Mental Health, Christian Non Fiction, Christian, Faith

239 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 1, 2020

About the author

I am a bestselling author, speaker, and life coach dedicated to helping people like you get unstuck and be unstoppable in every area of life.

I founded The Coaching and Positive Psychology (CaPP) Institute and have served as a Certified Personal and Executive Coach to hundreds of clients in over 40 states and ten countries.

For more than a decade, I have had the pleasure of writing, speaking, and coaching in order to help people like you:

- Make major life changes
- Be happier and have more fun
- Become strong leaders
- Achieve professional dreams
- Navigate setbacks
- Speak up with confidence
- Feel at peace with decisions
- Conquer emotions that can cause self-sabotage

Let me help you get unstuck and be unstoppable!

Feel free to add me as a friend, rate or review one of my books, take one of my quizzes, or visit my website to learn more.

Reviews

[Jackie Starner simonovich · Rating 2 out of 5]

I liked a lot of the substance of this book, but I would not have read it if I knew there was such a heavy religious focus.

[Momma Leighellen’s Book Nook · Rating 4 out of 5]

Y’all.

Being a momma is tough enough. Being a momma in the midst of a pandemic brings a whoooooole new set of challenges. Do we send the kids to school? Do we homeschool? Do we go to work? Do we try to work from home with a housefly of kids? Do we travel? Do we allow playdates and sleepovers and sporting events? Do we still make the kids have chores? Do we force them to exercise every day? Do we keep screen time limits? Do we still watch what we eat? Do we go to the store or have things delivered? Do we have sex with our spouse when we never have a moment alone? How often is it ok to shower? What if I haven’t washed my hair in 5 days? Am I spending too much money on books? (OK, that one could be just me!)

Let Go of the Guilt by Valorie Burton could not have come at a better time for me personally. It seems every day we are facing new decisions that all seem like the wrong ones. When so many mommas are wallowing in guilt and fear and anxiety over every single choice they are currently making, this breaths some fresh life into our souls by allowing us to let go. Valorie coaches us how to intentionally choose our thoughts and let go of the ones that can take over. She reminds us that negative emotions in themselves are necessarily bad things. They can teach us when we learn to manage and transform them.

Through a process called PEEL, she asks questions to get to the heart of the matter:

Pinpoint your guilt - what is the trigger?
Examine your thoughts - What am I saying to myself once I’m triggered?
Exchange the lie for truth - What is a more accurate thought about this situation?
List your evidence - what supports this truth?

She also points out that guilt isn’t all bad!! It often motivates us to improve our behavior, do the right thing, and help others. "Fear often comes from focusing on what might go wrong instead of focusing on what could go right". We can retrain our brain to refocus on all the GOOD scenarios that could come about. You remove the anxiety from tackling the issues head on.

I really enjoyed the section about taking back out JOY! She breaks it down into steps:
- notice when it's missing
- accept the past
- embrace humility
- forgive yourself
- articulate your lessons
- spend time with the right people
- do stuff that fills your cup
- study your triggers

I really enjoy "self help" books and this one didn't feel overly preachy nor did I feel like she was trying to sell me some 10 step program I needed to purchase after reading this book. I also don’t feel like this book is a "one and done" read. I feel like how I manage my thoughts and feelings is a constant learning process and this book is one that I will refer to repeatedly. I used this as a workbook and it really helped me work through ALL THE FEELINGS I’m having right now, with no real outlet to process them. I really appreciated this thoughtful examination of how our minds work.

Thank you to @tlcbooktours @valorieburnton and @thomasnelson for sending a copy of this book to read and review.

[Christine · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a really good book. If you are struggling with guilt or low self esteem, then this book is for you. You can read it all the way through or choose chapters that are important and where you are now in your life.

[Delaney Zook · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was okay. I did learn some things, but I think the stuff at the end was a little common sense for me? I think when my friend bought me this book, I should've read it then. Or maybe I needed this book months ago, but now that I am in counseling and have been able to flesh out more of my own personal issues (lol) I don't think this book really applied to my life right now. I am glad I read it. I think it's a book I could go back to, but it's tough when you write books like this because this definitely played towards a certain audience that I unfortunately just did not fit. At the time I read this I'm 24, living overseas and I am in grad school. This book was using examples of mothers and corporate America.... I think I read this at the wrong time... it was fine though. I don't regret reading, but I am leaving a bit disappointed.

Another thing, a lot of reviews talked about how the religion aspect of this book was kind of hidden from the summary and I have to agree. I think with how the world is now maybe having a disclaimer or SOMETHING on your book about how this is a Christian based book would be a good thing to have. Even as a believer myself, I want to make sure if I am going to take advice from someone that their advice is rooted in certain beliefs. I was a little hesitant to read a book from a nonbeliever on this topic and so I wanted to know earlier that this was routed in biblical beliefs. So anyway, all that being said. This book was OK. Maybe I'll read it a again one day when I need to be reminded of these truths and I'll appreciate it better.

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

tl;dr Really nice book. I benefited the most out of the first few chapters, but it was overall a good read. While there are mentions of Christianity, I didn't find it preachy/verbose or distracting. The reader is presumed to be a woman, however, which was a bit of a turn off for me personally. I still found quite a lot of value with it, so it'd still be one I recommend checking out :)

Not tl;dr

I am not enough. I am not doing enough. I am not getting it right. I should be doing something more. Something different. Something better. But I am not, so I am going to feel guilty. I'll rehash my shortcomings. And worst of all, I will hold my happiness hostage. I'll dampen it with this broken record of self-criticism.

Gosh, reading the words that I've always had in my head, though in less concrete form, was so hard, but also so therapeutic to know that I'm not the only one who suffers with this issue.

The author points out five common thought patterns of guilt, explaining each one: "I did something wrong", "I believe I caused harm to someone/something", "I didn't do enough", "I have more than someone else", and "I didn't do something, but I wanted to."

The author discusses authentic guilt, guilt from which you did/said something to bring up that feeling, and false guilt, as the author defines, "The feeling of guilt even though you haven't actually done something wrong." While she gives advice and actionable steps to work through both, the primary focus of the book is on 'false guilt'.

The author's core process of working through one's guilt is what she calls the "PEEL" technique: 'pinpoint your guilt trigger', 'examine your thoughts', 'exchange the life for the truth', and 'list your evidence'. The idea is to get yourself to pause and think more deeply about what your guilt is, where it came from, and whether or not it is legitimate. From there, she gives you steps you can take if it is or is not legitimate in feeling this guilt.

The first two chapters seem to have the most core focus on how to work through whatever guilt you are experiencing, with the subsequent chapters focusing on different themes on /why/ you might feel guilty. Understanding yourself deeper down can help you analyze your guilt more, making it easier to tackle. Covering: happiness vs guilt, discussion of women and guilt, personal life values, benefits of guilt, setting expectations with guilt/happiness, guilt trips/dealing with guilt trippers, and habits for joy. Each chapter comes with an exercise of questions to answer relevant to the topic of the chapter, all to help guide you through your feelings of guilt.

Personally I got the most out of the first three chapters, but that isn't to say the rest didn't have value. I just had the most breakthroughs and realizations with the first three chapters, that I ended up coasting through the rest, haha. I did appreciate the author repeating the advice from the PEEL technique throughout the book. Not only does that help drill the process into your brain, but it's also helpful to see additional examples of it in action.

The target audience appears to be Christian women. THAT SAID, I didn't find the mentions of faith or Christianity to be overly imposing or distracting as other reviews make it out to be. It's mostly just the author wanting us to live our lives well--"as God intended"--but that means the same thing. Any quotes, though very few, from the Bible are relevant to the topic, and if you remove the Bible association, they fit just fine in the text. Given what I've read of people feeling mislead, I feel like that is overblown. If you follow another faith, or no faith at all, I think you'd be fine reading this book. I say this as an atheist.

As a heads up, however, the last chapter does get a /little/ more God-focused, but if you look past it, the advice is still sound. Again, I wouldn't immediately discount this book for this reason, but I am mentioning it since I know there are those who are sensitive to this.

As far as gender goes, especially the chapter on the "gender gap", with discussions of how women face more guilt than men, I have mixed feelings on. I do wish this book was more gender neutral focused for me personally, and the book does not make this apparent that women are the intended audience. (The author makes several assumptions her readers are women by addressing us, the reader, as one.) I suppose men especially could have an opportunity to learn more about guilt from the perspective of women from the "gender gap" chapter, but I imagine that it may be more of a turn-off than anything for them. And addressing the reader as a woman was not something I was big on either. I'm sure there are people out there who found this chapter helpful though, so I'm not discounting it entirely. Just wish at a minimum the reader's gender was not assumed, or the book had been more clearly marketed toward women.

All this said, I think this was a well done book. At this point in my life, much of this information is stuff I've already come across, but having it all together in one place is handy, and the review of this information is nice as well. This is definitely a book I could've used over a decade ago, but I'm still glad I read it now. There are things I got from reading this that I'll need to take time to ruminate on, and I agree with the author that you should follow along, take notes, and do the exercises.

At some point you'll realize "letting go" is not your deepest desire. [...] Your spirit desires joy. It desires peace. It desires love.

I appreciate the last chapter being about joy. It gives you a direction to steer yourself towards as you focus on working through your guilt. The author points out eight habits to "take back your joy": notice that your joy is missing, accept the past, embrace humility, forgive yourself, articulate your lessons, spend time with people that make you feel good not guilty, do stuff that makes you feel guilt-free and happy, and lastly, study your happiness triggers.

Really sweet ending, with some closing thoughts and final bits of advice, as the author cheers you on. Leaves you with some positivity, which if you've been feeling guilty, it's a welcomed feeling, and her style is quite comforting and friendly.

If you can work past the religious and gendered aspects, I do think this book is worth a look. I'm certainly glad I gave it a chance, was worth it for me. :)

[Monica Kim | Musings of Monica · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve been feeling extra anxious lately, so I was looking for a book to help me calm, besides all the meditation & nature walks I’ve been doing, I’ve never heard of her before & as soon as I started reading it, I realized she was a religious life coach. which isn’t a problem for me because I’m a believer, but some books do get heavily religion focused. I was delighted that she incorporated it when needed but not too much, and there were many valuable nuggets & wisdoms. I really like her style, writing, and storytelling — easy, accessible, and straightforward, but comforting & reassuring.

[Elizabeth Schmidt · Rating 1 out of 5]

If you’re going to write a book about God, just SAY it. Don’t falsely advertise this as a book about guilt and then throw in a bunch of bible verses, “pray more” wisdom, and “God’s forgiveness” BS. If it sounds like I’m angry, it’s because I am — as someone who grew up surrounded by this kind of toxicity, I felt extremely uncomfortable the moment I stumbled across the first (seemingly innocuous) mention of faith. I even went back several times to reread the description to ensure this wasn’t a book about God. So imagine my absolute disgust when the author just continued to intersperse her own religious beliefs with NO WARNING. It’s frankly disgusting how many times she continued to throw in random religious hogwash. I DNF at way <25%.

People with religious trauma should steer clear of this book at all costs.

This is just one big “God/Jesus” advert. It’s gross AND manipulative. Zero stars. Steer clear.

[Katie Thompson · Rating 2 out of 5]

While this book does have thought provoking journal prompts I would not have chosen it for myself (read for book club). It has a heavy focus on religion and motherhood. I am not a mom. Most of the examples she uses to propel her points are about her journey in motherhood or her coaching others through motherhood. I honestly felt like that should have been highlighted in the description or something, because being a mom is so difficult and this book was made for them. I began wondering if I was feeling guilty for not having children…

[Destiny · Rating 5 out of 5]

I noticed there are many reviews that read they are not continuing further because of the mention of god or religion. I am absolutely not religious, abhor religion really but I honestly enjoyed this book. The insight and truth is very much worth the read. Sure god is mentioned, there are very few bible references but I was able to read on and replace it with what I needed to such as just higher purpose, meaning, etc. Read on. I believe it’s worth it and it has already changed aspects of my thoughts and life.

[Lily Heron · Rating 1 out of 5]

There are books you can read instead of therapy, and books you can read alongside therapy, but if you're someone who leans towards "needing" therapeutic support of some kind, I don't recommend this book; I found it quite destabilising because it seems to take examples of false guilt and conflate them with authentic guilt, so for any adult survivors of abuse or anyone familiar with DARVO tactics, it could be a potentially distressing read.

[Derin K · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’m a big fan of Valorie. I’ve heard her speak and she’s an absolute inspiration. This book helped me identify the ways I may be letting false guilt take the space that could be held by joy. There are some great concrete lessons in this book, and—as always—it’s great to know I’m not alone in facing guilt when I could be more forgiving toward myself.

[Antoinette Chanel · Rating 4 out of 5]

I enjoy Valorie Burton’s work overall - I began reading her works in 2016. She has a faith-based focus to her work, and my views on faith and religion have changed, but that didn’t prevent me from connecting with this book.

[Megan Kelly · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some good tips and tools, but I struggled with the heavy gender typing and it got a little heavy with religious tones at the end. I will probably go back to these strategies around false guilt many times.

[Mickelle Stokke · Rating 5 out of 5]

One of the most eye opening books I have read. This book helped me dig deep into issues I would use to guilt trip myself or feel guilt in many ways. I enjoyed the interactive parts of each chapter and highlighted almost the entire book because it was so amazing!

[Ian McGaffey · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was a good look at wha guilt can do in your life and how to become aware of it. I enjoyed how the relatively simple message is discussed in many ways to explore the complexities involved in getting rid of guilt to make room for joy.

[Chris Austin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'd suggest reading Brene Brown, NVC, Wrong Fit Right Fit, or any other book on this subject instead. Far too many stories, and too much religion for it to be useful for me. Also way too much focus on the types of guilt that mothers experience - it's a valuable subject, but it's too narrow a focus.

[Amy K · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good book. I haven't finished it because I got through a few chapters and truly felt better about some guilt I was carrying around. Some very pratical and helpful ways to look at things. I will go back to it if needed. Worth reading.

[Gregp · Rating 4 out of 5]

7 out of 10

[Lyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

As always, Valorie did not disappoint. This is a read that will make you think. This a book that I can reread a few time.

[Samantha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Generally liked it and the tips she provided. I think the real life stories and example were actually the best part and/how to approach with statements/declarations steps to take next .

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

There are some good insights and challenges in this book, backed in psychological research and Christian theology.

[Patricia Makatsaria · Rating 3 out of 5]

Definitely got me thinking how guilt can drive decisions and affect my well-being.

[Charlotte Falkner]

Did not finish

[Olya · Rating 5 out of 5]

Amazing book! Helped me resolve so many issues in my life. Very easy to ready, lots of exercises and prompts.

[LemontreeLime · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really good techniques and ideas, just be warned, bible quotes. Which is fine? But i didn't expect it at first? So was a surprise.

[Joseph · Rating 3 out of 5]

A smartly assembled book that is both illuminating and practical, with walk-thrus for the reader to process the notions and events that lead one to choose despair rather than hope.

[&#x1fab4;ann&#x1fab4; · Rating 3 out of 5]

I loved it at first but the more I read the more I realized that this book wasn’t for me at this time. Maybe when my life actually starts rolling I’ll come back to it.

[Val · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some of the information was repetitive, unlike her other publications.

[Grace Maxon · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.75 ⭐️

[Max Magno · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was really helpful when I needed it. It also helped me understand the powerful battle that mothers face and how guilt is connected to that. The book lost me in the moments that I explored religion.