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Grief Connects Us: A Neurogsurgeon's Lessons on Love, Loss, and Compassion
In his exceptionally thought-provoking and moving memoir, neurosurgeon Joseph D. Stern explores how personal loss influences the way physicians relate to patients and their families.
How does a doctor who deals with the death of patients on a regular basis confront his own loss when his beloved sister is living out her last days?
Despite a career as a neurosurgeon, Joseph Stern learned more about the nature of illness and death after his younger sister Victoria developed leukemia than his formal medical training ever taught him. Her death broke down the self-protective barriers he had built to perform his job and led to a profound shift in his approach to medicine.
During the year of his sister's illness, Dr. Stern developed a greater awareness of the needs of patients and their families; of the burdens they carry; of the importance of connection, communication, and gratitude; and of what it means to ask the right questions.
In 'GRIEF CONNECTS US', Dr. Stern bridges the gap between patients and doctors, providing a window into the experiences and concerns they both share. There is much unappreciated common ground between them; by listening to their stories, we can develop deeper alliances and mutual understanding so that our needs are met.
No matter which side of the patient-doctor relationship you find yourself on, listening with empathy, a willingness to be vulnerable, and striving toward emotional agility are tools we can all develop to improve how we meet difficult, unavoidable challenges.
How does a doctor who deals with the death of patients on a regular basis confront his own loss when his beloved sister is living out her last days?
Despite a career as a neurosurgeon, Joseph Stern learned more about the nature of illness and death after his younger sister Victoria developed leukemia than his formal medical training ever taught him. Her death broke down the self-protective barriers he had built to perform his job and led to a profound shift in his approach to medicine.
During the year of his sister's illness, Dr. Stern developed a greater awareness of the needs of patients and their families; of the burdens they carry; of the importance of connection, communication, and gratitude; and of what it means to ask the right questions.
In 'GRIEF CONNECTS US', Dr. Stern bridges the gap between patients and doctors, providing a window into the experiences and concerns they both share. There is much unappreciated common ground between them; by listening to their stories, we can develop deeper alliances and mutual understanding so that our needs are met.
No matter which side of the patient-doctor relationship you find yourself on, listening with empathy, a willingness to be vulnerable, and striving toward emotional agility are tools we can all develop to improve how we meet difficult, unavoidable challenges.
291 pages, Kindle Edition
First published May 11, 2021
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Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews
February 8, 2022
Encouraging, uplifting and humbling
At some point in our lives, all of us will come to experience loss and with it grief. I have had such experience as a son, a sibling, a spouse and a physician. A close friend recently lost his 25 year old son after a tragic accident. It is so difficult to know just how to respond with love and compassion in any of these situations. Dr. Stern addresses all of this in this book. It is worth reading.
At some point in our lives, all of us will come to experience loss and with it grief. I have had such experience as a son, a sibling, a spouse and a physician. A close friend recently lost his 25 year old son after a tragic accident. It is so difficult to know just how to respond with love and compassion in any of these situations. Dr. Stern addresses all of this in this book. It is worth reading.
December 22, 2023
I read this book because I am going through my own grief and am trying to understand how to process that and find a new meaning to life. That a doctor had to go through this was an interesting take on things.
One of the main take-aways that I got was the idea of quality of life vs. quantity of life when a person is suffering a life-threatening health emergency. That was a decision I had to make and I was not thinking of that simple phrase but the concept was in my mind.
The descriptions of what the author's daughter went through and the decisions that she made and the decisions that her family made, got me thinking about the type of plans that I want for myself. As I redo my will and estate plans, I will incorporate specific end-of-life instructions so that, hopefully, those who have to make decisions on my behalf have a good understanding of what I want.
There was a section dealing with the author's son-in-law who ended up dying from a ruptured blood vessel in his brain; something that hit very close to home for me. The combination of medical explanations and emotional reactions was highly interesting to me since I had to go through that as well. I learned a few things even though I have been doing a lot of research on my own about that condition.
Another section had interviews with doctors on how they process the emotional aspects of their work. One talked about ICUs (intensive care units) and his criticisms about how patients are handled in them. That echoed so much of my own thoughts about the ICU experience I have been thinking about since it happened. I am so glad that I heard a doctor saying the same things that I have been thinking. For myself, I wish that if I am in such bad shape that an ICU stay is necessary and there is not much hope for relatively quick recovery, that I could be allowed to die without going to one. That probably is a legal no-go for hospitals but I wish it was an option.
There are also many suggestions for improving the patient experience when somebody has to be hospitalized. Doubtful that the corporate executives in charge of large hospital systems will consider such things; they probably will go in the opposite direction, if anything.
The last part of the book made some statements that I do not agree with but that is OK and did not detract too much from the rest of the book.
This is one book that can really guide me on decisions that I will make for myself. For a person who has not been directly affected by the death of a loved one (yet), it can help to understand the powerful emotions that everyone, even surgeons, have to deal with when grief happens.
One of the main take-aways that I got was the idea of quality of life vs. quantity of life when a person is suffering a life-threatening health emergency. That was a decision I had to make and I was not thinking of that simple phrase but the concept was in my mind.
The descriptions of what the author's daughter went through and the decisions that she made and the decisions that her family made, got me thinking about the type of plans that I want for myself. As I redo my will and estate plans, I will incorporate specific end-of-life instructions so that, hopefully, those who have to make decisions on my behalf have a good understanding of what I want.
There was a section dealing with the author's son-in-law who ended up dying from a ruptured blood vessel in his brain; something that hit very close to home for me. The combination of medical explanations and emotional reactions was highly interesting to me since I had to go through that as well. I learned a few things even though I have been doing a lot of research on my own about that condition.
Another section had interviews with doctors on how they process the emotional aspects of their work. One talked about ICUs (intensive care units) and his criticisms about how patients are handled in them. That echoed so much of my own thoughts about the ICU experience I have been thinking about since it happened. I am so glad that I heard a doctor saying the same things that I have been thinking. For myself, I wish that if I am in such bad shape that an ICU stay is necessary and there is not much hope for relatively quick recovery, that I could be allowed to die without going to one. That probably is a legal no-go for hospitals but I wish it was an option.
There are also many suggestions for improving the patient experience when somebody has to be hospitalized. Doubtful that the corporate executives in charge of large hospital systems will consider such things; they probably will go in the opposite direction, if anything.
The last part of the book made some statements that I do not agree with but that is OK and did not detract too much from the rest of the book.
This is one book that can really guide me on decisions that I will make for myself. For a person who has not been directly affected by the death of a loved one (yet), it can help to understand the powerful emotions that everyone, even surgeons, have to deal with when grief happens.
October 4, 2022
More 3.5 stars
January 2, 2024
I discovered this book when Dr. Stern presented the keynote address to a virtual conference regarding the mental health of NICU families and providers. Like Dr. Stern, I lost a sibling to cancer and was intrigued by the potential of this book after viewing his presentation at the conference.
While I am not a healthcare provider, I was raised by an ER/ICU nurse, and have had numerous interactions with the industry in my lifetime. In 1999, I lost my brother to melanoma, and saw a level of compassion and empathy toward our family not witnessed to that point.
It was my first son's premature birth and 38-day NICU stay that truly opened my eyes to the importance of compassion and empathy during times of trauma. The level of care and support given to my son, wife, and I was uplifting to the point where I buried all of the trauma of the experience for many years. It was my experience with that trauma, as well as my volunteer work for the hospital where my son stayed, that led me to the Hand to Hold virtual conference this fall, and thus, Dr. Stern.
While you might assume the musings of a neurosurgeon would be bland and overly scientific, this is not the case. Stern's tales of his work with patients, the loss of his sister, and thoughts on the current state of the healthcare industry are relevant and uplifting and should be required reading not only for healthcare providers but for anyone who may support a loved one at any point in the healthcare process.
The conclusion, which deals with the impact of COVID-19 on the industry, was very interesting and provides a unique view of what that time was like for healthcare workers on the front lines. Given what these workers endured day in and day out during the pandemic, it should serve as a stark wake-up call for anyone who felt the virus was a hoax or that they should have to endure some slight inconveniences to protect others.
If you have ever had to face the impossible decisions that come with cancer or other life-threatening diseases, this is a must-read.
While I am not a healthcare provider, I was raised by an ER/ICU nurse, and have had numerous interactions with the industry in my lifetime. In 1999, I lost my brother to melanoma, and saw a level of compassion and empathy toward our family not witnessed to that point.
It was my first son's premature birth and 38-day NICU stay that truly opened my eyes to the importance of compassion and empathy during times of trauma. The level of care and support given to my son, wife, and I was uplifting to the point where I buried all of the trauma of the experience for many years. It was my experience with that trauma, as well as my volunteer work for the hospital where my son stayed, that led me to the Hand to Hold virtual conference this fall, and thus, Dr. Stern.
While you might assume the musings of a neurosurgeon would be bland and overly scientific, this is not the case. Stern's tales of his work with patients, the loss of his sister, and thoughts on the current state of the healthcare industry are relevant and uplifting and should be required reading not only for healthcare providers but for anyone who may support a loved one at any point in the healthcare process.
The conclusion, which deals with the impact of COVID-19 on the industry, was very interesting and provides a unique view of what that time was like for healthcare workers on the front lines. Given what these workers endured day in and day out during the pandemic, it should serve as a stark wake-up call for anyone who felt the virus was a hoax or that they should have to endure some slight inconveniences to protect others.
If you have ever had to face the impossible decisions that come with cancer or other life-threatening diseases, this is a must-read.
Displaying 1 - 4 of 4 reviews