What do you think?
Rate this book
Reforming Marriage: Gospel Living for Couples
How would you describe the spiritual aroma of your home? The source of this aroma is the relationship between husband and wife. Many can fake an attempt at keeping God's standards in some external way. What we cannot fake is the resulting, distinctive aroma of pleasure to God. Reforming Marriage does what few books on marriage do today: it provides biblical advice. Whether it has to do with respect and love, confession of sin, sexual fidelity, or even the gnarly issues of divorce and remarriage, Douglas Wilson points to the need for obedient hearts on the part of both husbands and wives. This book is part of the Canon Press series of books on the family, which has helped many people trying to deal with the on the ground messes that come with sinners living under the same roof. Godly marriages proceed from obedient hearts, and the greatest desire of an obedient heart is the glory of God.
144 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1995
379 people are currently reading
2243 people want to read
About the author
Douglas Wilson
319 books4,561 followersI write in order to make the little voices in my head go away. Thus far it hasn't worked.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 349 reviews
May 21, 2022
This book gets a really bad rep. Whenever I talk to people about Wilson, many of them point to his views on marriage as their knife to the jugular of the argument against him. This is supposed to be what makes him vilified.
I didn't see any of that in this book.
At. All.
I'm not a Wilson apologist. He and I have several key disagreements. But when he's right, he's right.
In fact, this is one of the most practical and important books I've read on marriage -- ever. It's really easy to write a book on marriage from a Christian perspective that gives 10,000 comparisons between Christ and the church and the husband and wife. That may be very well true and important, but that is long term helpful. Not short-term helpful. There aren't feet to that. They don't walk through my doors. Those are concepts, not applications. How do I *apply* those truths to my marriage. What do I do when I wake up and don't feel the same love I felt on my wedding day? How do I actively work at killing sin in my life and in my wife? What are ways to avoid conflict? To absolve it? To forgive it?
This is what I need and Wilson gives it with an extra scoop.
Wilson's "Decluttering your marriage" is also a short, helpful, and perhaps a quick summary of what he writes here, but if you don't want just a bite, take the whole meal here in this book.
One last note. Actually two.
1. I wished this book was used for premarital counseling. It would be tremendously better than anything out there.
2. I find it interesting that most people read to learn specific topics or to improve their understanding of a certain skill or idea, but when it comes to marriage we seem to be very complacent. As good as your marriage may be, it can always get better and deeper. As bad as it may be, there is always help. Marriage is a relationship and relationships always need constant and consistent work in order for it to be meaningful, so if you don't read this particular book on marriage (though I highly recommend you do so), then read something. Listen to something. Invest time into your marriage for time is the best seed and it always blooms.
I didn't see any of that in this book.
At. All.
I'm not a Wilson apologist. He and I have several key disagreements. But when he's right, he's right.
In fact, this is one of the most practical and important books I've read on marriage -- ever. It's really easy to write a book on marriage from a Christian perspective that gives 10,000 comparisons between Christ and the church and the husband and wife. That may be very well true and important, but that is long term helpful. Not short-term helpful. There aren't feet to that. They don't walk through my doors. Those are concepts, not applications. How do I *apply* those truths to my marriage. What do I do when I wake up and don't feel the same love I felt on my wedding day? How do I actively work at killing sin in my life and in my wife? What are ways to avoid conflict? To absolve it? To forgive it?
This is what I need and Wilson gives it with an extra scoop.
Wilson's "Decluttering your marriage" is also a short, helpful, and perhaps a quick summary of what he writes here, but if you don't want just a bite, take the whole meal here in this book.
One last note. Actually two.
1. I wished this book was used for premarital counseling. It would be tremendously better than anything out there.
2. I find it interesting that most people read to learn specific topics or to improve their understanding of a certain skill or idea, but when it comes to marriage we seem to be very complacent. As good as your marriage may be, it can always get better and deeper. As bad as it may be, there is always help. Marriage is a relationship and relationships always need constant and consistent work in order for it to be meaningful, so if you don't read this particular book on marriage (though I highly recommend you do so), then read something. Listen to something. Invest time into your marriage for time is the best seed and it always blooms.
January 3, 2022
This is a cesspool of unbiblical, misogynistic advice. Wilson points to passages in both the Old and New Testaments, but doesn’t show a true understanding of them. It’s apparent that Wilson compulsively cherry-picks verses to serve his purposes. Ie, with P31, he focuses only on the woman’s role tending to her family, and mentions nothing about her purchasing fields and managing businesses.
Of note, we read this book as part of pre-marital counseling. Neither my husband nor I agreed with the material, which we relayed to our pastor, who was very amused to find I threw it across the room while reading it and refused to continue (he won’t be recommending it again and hadn’t before, thank heaven). It was later found that not only was sexual abuse rampant within Wilson’s congregation but that he openly condoned this behavior. That was evident through the whole book. Its only good use is kindling.
Of note, we read this book as part of pre-marital counseling. Neither my husband nor I agreed with the material, which we relayed to our pastor, who was very amused to find I threw it across the room while reading it and refused to continue (he won’t be recommending it again and hadn’t before, thank heaven). It was later found that not only was sexual abuse rampant within Wilson’s congregation but that he openly condoned this behavior. That was evident through the whole book. Its only good use is kindling.
August 26, 2025
My wife and I listened to Reforming Marriage during a 20-hour drive out to Utah, and it sparked some of the most fruitful conversations we’ve ever had. Over the course of the three and a half hours, we paused after every chapter to discuss areas where we agreed, where we saw room for growth, and where we simply hadn’t thought deeply enough about our own marriage. We both walked away challenged, convicted, and encouraged.
April 15, 2022
In my humble opinion, this is the best book about marriage I have read. He speaks a lot to practical day in and day out concepts, while giving all biblical references. He very clearly expresses a man’s headship in a home, and how everything starts with a man finding Joy in the Lord and cherishing his wife. The aroma of a home starts with a man’s leadership and love for his wife. Wilson also gives a lot of practical examples of lies women often fall into, and how to deal with sin. Very good and very convicting.
June 23, 2021
Lots of good stuff in here. Update: read again in 2021. This is a great gem.
December 2, 2021
I have so much to say, and yet the words escape me because this book can not possibly be summed up easily. Like all of Dougs work it is wordy, and often illogical in structure. With the point being at the beginning and the end with nonsense and incredibly long paragraphs taking up the middle to derail the reader from his actual point.
I saw recently someone describe Doug as the lovable charismatic older man in church whom we all I love, but who we wouldn’t let 50 feet near the pulpit because he is crass and at times embarrassing to the body. This man time and time again shows how incredibly unqualified he is, and this book is another example of that. At one point he is talks about how Barbie is staked, and then telling men how they need to open the car doors for their wives otherwise they aren’t honoring them. In another spot he is telling men how it is their responsibility to cultivate external beauty in their wives through efficacious obedience. I kid you not. He puts the burden on men to make their wives attractive through their works, ugly wife? Disobedience must be the culprit and it’s the husbands. Back to the old man in church compassion, most of us would nod and laugh about his comments later if Doug gave us this advice in real life. But, we’d all be smart enough to never talk to him about marriage ever again, or anything with depth. And yet some how he gets a pass in reformed circles? Not only that but he’s widely supported and cherished? It’s dumbfounding to me.
I added some of the most obviously absurd quotes, but i assure you - it is not even a fraction of what is problematic in this book. Just read them, and it you are concerned about me highlighting things out of context to make them seem more absurd, then feel free to read the book. But, I wouldn’t recommend you do.
I read much of this to my husband who points out that Doug lays all the burden on the husband. It’s all law, it’s all lists of to do’s. And there is so little wiggle room for how to be a godly husband. He just say do do do, obey obey obey, and most of it is just plucked from thin air.
The good: Doug clearly loves his own wife and wants men to love theirs. But, apart from that… all the advice and “biblical truth” he presents is either bad or subpar. There is nothing profound I’m this book other than how profound it is that Doug truly believes that what he’s saying is true. That’s profound.
I saw recently someone describe Doug as the lovable charismatic older man in church whom we all I love, but who we wouldn’t let 50 feet near the pulpit because he is crass and at times embarrassing to the body. This man time and time again shows how incredibly unqualified he is, and this book is another example of that. At one point he is talks about how Barbie is staked, and then telling men how they need to open the car doors for their wives otherwise they aren’t honoring them. In another spot he is telling men how it is their responsibility to cultivate external beauty in their wives through efficacious obedience. I kid you not. He puts the burden on men to make their wives attractive through their works, ugly wife? Disobedience must be the culprit and it’s the husbands. Back to the old man in church compassion, most of us would nod and laugh about his comments later if Doug gave us this advice in real life. But, we’d all be smart enough to never talk to him about marriage ever again, or anything with depth. And yet some how he gets a pass in reformed circles? Not only that but he’s widely supported and cherished? It’s dumbfounding to me.
I added some of the most obviously absurd quotes, but i assure you - it is not even a fraction of what is problematic in this book. Just read them, and it you are concerned about me highlighting things out of context to make them seem more absurd, then feel free to read the book. But, I wouldn’t recommend you do.
I read much of this to my husband who points out that Doug lays all the burden on the husband. It’s all law, it’s all lists of to do’s. And there is so little wiggle room for how to be a godly husband. He just say do do do, obey obey obey, and most of it is just plucked from thin air.
The good: Doug clearly loves his own wife and wants men to love theirs. But, apart from that… all the advice and “biblical truth” he presents is either bad or subpar. There is nothing profound I’m this book other than how profound it is that Doug truly believes that what he’s saying is true. That’s profound.
January 10, 2024
Ashamedly, I went into this book ready to hate it and burn it. Because:
1. Pastor Doug attracts controversy
2. Most of what I had heard about Wilson was from the internet (which is never wrong) or from people sharing one small spicy quote out of context from him, without giving the bigger picture of the issue he was trying to explain.
This is a fantastic book. I’d read it again. This seemed pretty biblically sound, and really well balanced. I didn’t become an avid Wilsonite overnight, but if anything, this certainly gave me a good wake up call to read things for myself instead of just buying into media hype.
1. Pastor Doug attracts controversy
2. Most of what I had heard about Wilson was from the internet (which is never wrong) or from people sharing one small spicy quote out of context from him, without giving the bigger picture of the issue he was trying to explain.
This is a fantastic book. I’d read it again. This seemed pretty biblically sound, and really well balanced. I didn’t become an avid Wilsonite overnight, but if anything, this certainly gave me a good wake up call to read things for myself instead of just buying into media hype.
July 22, 2025
Convicted and motivated upon finishing this book. Gonna be returning to this one I am certain. Rock solid and direct---no page feels wasted. As a result, your time as the reader never feels wasted. Wilson builds every point on Scriptural grounds and highlights the gospel realities that undergird marriage realities.
April 22, 2009
Meh. I really don't understand the rave reviews. It's okay. It's not as horrible as the stuff that comes out of CBMW, but he doesn't go far enough with the notion of Covenant marriage, imo.
I'm willing to accept and assert the notion of "male headship," but most of the authors that insist upon the idea are stuck in an earlier decade. Wilson is stuck in an earlier century. He makes the man/husband/father the center of the home, not Christ, and as a result he offers a very egocentric ethic on marriage. He offers some *new* corrections into the conversation (like the unreasonable expectation of consistently mind-blowing sex in evangelical marriages), but they are merely a spice not a whole meal.
I'll give Wilson this too. He is better than the CBMW stuff about the whole "final decision-maker" status that they give to men/husbands/fathers. That's pure foolishness -- something that the CBMWs think is natural and normal, but it's actually very 20th century. Instead, Wilson talks about the husband's responsibility for all commitments -- like a captain on a ship, for instance.
I understand that he's trying to recreate 16th-century patriarchy. I understand that he's trying to foil the Baptistic bent that is stuck in the throat of contemporary Reformed believers. That's fine. But Doug, honey -- if that's what you want to do, don't make feminism your foil. That makes you sounds simply reactionary and merely political.
I'm willing to accept and assert the notion of "male headship," but most of the authors that insist upon the idea are stuck in an earlier decade. Wilson is stuck in an earlier century. He makes the man/husband/father the center of the home, not Christ, and as a result he offers a very egocentric ethic on marriage. He offers some *new* corrections into the conversation (like the unreasonable expectation of consistently mind-blowing sex in evangelical marriages), but they are merely a spice not a whole meal.
I'll give Wilson this too. He is better than the CBMW stuff about the whole "final decision-maker" status that they give to men/husbands/fathers. That's pure foolishness -- something that the CBMWs think is natural and normal, but it's actually very 20th century. Instead, Wilson talks about the husband's responsibility for all commitments -- like a captain on a ship, for instance.
I understand that he's trying to recreate 16th-century patriarchy. I understand that he's trying to foil the Baptistic bent that is stuck in the throat of contemporary Reformed believers. That's fine. But Doug, honey -- if that's what you want to do, don't make feminism your foil. That makes you sounds simply reactionary and merely political.
February 12, 2018
Excellent. Wish I read this years ago.
November 6, 2022
2022: After many years, I listened to it again on the Canon+ App. This is a really, really good! If it’s been a while since you haven’t read it, make sure you pick it up again soon!
September 11, 2025
I enjoyed this much more than I expected to. There is a boatload of practical wisdom and prudence here to incorporate. As per usual with Wilson, there are some parts of the book that he just quotes a passage of Scripture and assumes his own interpretation of it rather than give an argument for it. Of course, doing that often would bog down the readability of the book, which was one of its great strengths, but some more sustained attention to 1 Corinthians or the end of Ezra would have been appreciated.
March 23, 2025
this book made me simultaneously thankful for my husband and that i am a woman. what a high and weighty calling it is to be a husband! what a gift marriage is!
Read
July 23, 2011This book is a breath of fresh air. One of Doug Wilson's gift is the ability that God has given him to craft his writing in a witty and interesting way. Combine that with the biblical principles Wilson presents, the book proves to be an edifying read, one that is hard to put down. Though it is short in length, it is pack not only with biblical insight but also God-given wisdom of a married couple who has been there, and APPLIED that. A highlight in the book is the theme of the biblical role of husband and wife. It should leave readers with the impression that a good marriage would be hard work, and one that is centered on God according to the blueprint that God has given in His Word. Definitely a recommended resource for couples who are courting and even newly wed. Read it with your partner. I praise God that in His Sovereignty, my Pastor assigned this as a reading in our church's couple's meeting!
October 1, 2019
Excellent little book on marriage. I read the whole book on a long plane flight and enjoyed every page. I especially appreciated how closely the author compared the relationship of Christ to the church and the husband and wife relationship. If we all took our marriages that seriously, there would be a lot fewer unhappy marriages and divorces in the world. I definitely recommend this book especially to younger couples.
September 16, 2019
Another good book by Doug Wilson. Although not my favorite by him, it is nonetheless a good book. Wilson can bite and be gracious at the same time. His writing cuts away the meat and gets to the bones of an issue with minimal words. In this work, Wilson paints a picture of marriage informed by Scripture and not by the society around us. He is politically incorrect but Scripturally faithful.
January 4, 2018
Wow, it's going to take me a while to recover from that read. This book is convicting, stuffed full of wisdom, and has changed so much of my thinking. Praying God grants me the heart change to apply it!
February 26, 2021
Really good. I listened to the audio version on the Canon App.
August 15, 2023
I can’t believe how good this book is
July 24, 2025
Incredibly practical, gospel-centered, and convicting! Doug mainly exhorts men in the book so I would recommend complementing this with one of Nancy's books to get instruction as a woman.
July 29, 2023
Excellent as usual. Lots of gold in here, very practical.
March 28, 2023
Lots of practical wisdom.
“It is crucial that a husband gives to his wife what the Bible says she needs, rather than what she says she needs.”
“It is crucial that a husband gives to his wife what the Bible says she needs, rather than what she says she needs.”
April 14, 2022
When I first heard Douglas Wilson on marriage, I pushed away from it. There had been plenty of authoritarian “leaders” around who modeled headship in controlling and manipulative of their wives, and so in an overreaction, i lumped Doug Wilson in with them. One whiff of “complementarianism” and I heard that a wife is just to do what her husband tells her to do. I was tired of marriage books, and it was eventually asking myself the question, “How does Christ love his bride?” that began to bring clarity. Nowadays, we can see all sorts of chaos in the world, and I am reminded of the saying “Christ or chaos.” We can have one. With a heavy heart, Doug Wilson guided me through a biblical framework of marriage. It goes against the grain of all we know, or at least all we like. It is the courageous and brave love of a husband, fueled by knowing the love of his Heavenly Father for him, that emboldens a man to live against the grain. The problems in our culture, cities, news reports, school, churches, homes, and families... it is all traced back to us, men. We have abdicated our God given responsibilities, and our wives and children and neighbors are paying the price. We have chosen chaos, our own will in our own timing with consideration of our own comfort, for Christ. We have filled our churches with weakness, and now wonder why no one is coming to Christ. Our fruit is bitter and rotten. Word to readers: do not come to close without fear of the flame, for our Lord is an all consuming fire jealous for his bride. We want a revival, and a revival must begin with a reformation. Christ in us, and then us in our homes. God give us fear, grace and wisdom as we go.
May 27, 2023
This is the most comprehensive, helpful, and challenging book that I have read concerning marriage. Wilson teaches authoritatively from the Scriptures - nothing more, nothing less. As he seems to always be doing, this book expertly applies to gospel to every area of marriage. He challenges destructive cultural lies that certainly almost all of us have allowed to corrupt our thinking and views on marriage, whether knowingly or unknowingly.
I highly recommend this book to the single, engaged, and the parents-of-6 alike.
I highly recommend this book to the single, engaged, and the parents-of-6 alike.
November 12, 2021
This is a well-written Wilson book. He clearly expresses his opinion.
My concern with this view is that he places the husband's role where only Christ should be. Christ is the ultimate head of the home, not the husband. A woman's identity is in Christ Alone. She is lost in Christ, not in her husband. She lives in the shadow of the cross.
My concern with this view is that he places the husband's role where only Christ should be. Christ is the ultimate head of the home, not the husband. A woman's identity is in Christ Alone. She is lost in Christ, not in her husband. She lives in the shadow of the cross.
March 18, 2015
While I share the same basic biblical theology of marriage as the author, I find the absence of grace and gentleness and humility to be so significant in his descriptions of marriage as to greatly devalue this book.
September 24, 2024
2024 Read again meeting with an engaged couple, so good.
I think I started reading this back in 2011, but didn't get very far, but I finally started it over and really enjoyed it. I've heard most of its content in sermons and blog articles, but it's all really good stuff.
I think I started reading this back in 2011, but didn't get very far, but I finally started it over and really enjoyed it. I've heard most of its content in sermons and blog articles, but it's all really good stuff.
Read
August 7, 2023Good stuff. One worth reading many times.
March 4, 2021
So much to unpack here; Wilson isnt crazy or even really "patriarchal" etc. That criticism is probably overdone. He has a lot of really good practical advice and I think offers a healthy view of marriage. He's not a chauvinist etc at least in these pages.The biggest weakness with Wilson is that he's not interested in talking to educated urbane 30 year olds. I realize thats not his market but its nonetheless a shortcoming. He's still basically too limited to the Conservative "Evangelical" sociology. Thats the only way he seems to understand being conservative and Protestant. Thats probably not his fault; he's spent most of his life in Idaho so not as exposed to more historic Protestantism etc. He's Amerocentric. There's not a lot of hope or grace for people who come to faith later in life or who understand biblical views on marriage later in life. If you've grown up in his sociological world--and there's nothing wrong with that if you did--this is for you. If you're not from that world this book might leave you feeling depressed. Im sure Wilson might--rightfully perhaps--say that this is just a sinner being confronted with the full weight of his sin. But it still falls victim to the great sin of Calvinism: being "freed" from your sins to work, instead of freed to grace. There's a reason Puritan New England became the nightmare it is today, and its not because the people weren't "doing" enough. Still too much Puritan Calvinist presumption in an otherwise useful book.
September 16, 2019
David read this to me and it took a long time but we had many good discussions on each chapter.
2019 A book you own but have never read.
2019 A book you own but have never read.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 349 reviews