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Reforming Marriage: Gospel Living for Couples
How would you describe the spiritual aroma of your home? The source of this aroma is the relationship between husband and wife. Many can fake an attempt at keeping God's standards in some external way. What we cannot fake is the resulting, distinctive aroma of pleasure to God.Reforming Marriage does what few books on marriage do it provides biblical advice. Whether it has to do with respect and love, confession of sin, sexual fidelity, or even the gnarly issues of divorce and remarriage, Douglas Wilson points to the need for obedient hearts on the part of both husbands and wives.This book is part of the Canon Press series of books on the family, which has helped many people trying to deal with the on the ground messes that come with sinners living under the same roof. Godly marriages proceed from obedient hearts, and the greatest desire of an obedient heart is the glory of God.
144 pages, Paperback
First published February 1, 1995
About the author
Douglas Wilson
328 books4,742 followersI write in order to make the little voices in my head go away. Thus far it hasn't worked.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 381 reviews
December 3, 2018
This book gets a really bad rep. Whenever I talk to people about Wilson, many of them point to his views on marriage as their knife to the jugular of the argument against him. This is supposed to be what makes him vilified.
I didn't see any of that in this book.
At. All.
I'm not a Wilson apologist. He and I have several key disagreements. But when he's right, he's right.
In fact, this is one of the most practical and important books I've read on marriage -- ever. It's really easy to write a book on marriage from a Christian perspective that gives 10,000 comparisons between Christ and the church and the husband and wife. That may be very well true and important, but that is long term helpful. Not short-term helpful. There aren't feet to that. They don't walk through my doors. Those are concepts, not applications. How do I *apply* those truths to my marriage. What do I do when I wake up and don't feel the same love I felt on my wedding day? How do I actively work at killing sin in my life and in my wife? What are ways to avoid conflict? To absolve it? To forgive it?
This is what I need and Wilson gives it with an extra scoop.
Wilson's "Decluttering your marriage" is also a short, helpful, and perhaps a quick summary of what he writes here, but if you don't want just a bite, take the whole meal here in this book.
One last note. Actually two.
1. I wished this book was used for premarital counseling. It would be tremendously better than anything out there.
2. I find it interesting that most people read to learn specific topics or to improve their understanding of a certain skill or idea, but when it comes to marriage we seem to be very complacent. As good as your marriage may be, it can always get better and deeper. As bad as it may be, there is always help. Marriage is a relationship and relationships always need constant and consistent work in order for it to be meaningful, so if you don't read this particular book on marriage (though I highly recommend you do so), then read something. Listen to something. Invest time into your marriage for time is the best seed and it always blooms.
I didn't see any of that in this book.
At. All.
I'm not a Wilson apologist. He and I have several key disagreements. But when he's right, he's right.
In fact, this is one of the most practical and important books I've read on marriage -- ever. It's really easy to write a book on marriage from a Christian perspective that gives 10,000 comparisons between Christ and the church and the husband and wife. That may be very well true and important, but that is long term helpful. Not short-term helpful. There aren't feet to that. They don't walk through my doors. Those are concepts, not applications. How do I *apply* those truths to my marriage. What do I do when I wake up and don't feel the same love I felt on my wedding day? How do I actively work at killing sin in my life and in my wife? What are ways to avoid conflict? To absolve it? To forgive it?
This is what I need and Wilson gives it with an extra scoop.
Wilson's "Decluttering your marriage" is also a short, helpful, and perhaps a quick summary of what he writes here, but if you don't want just a bite, take the whole meal here in this book.
One last note. Actually two.
1. I wished this book was used for premarital counseling. It would be tremendously better than anything out there.
2. I find it interesting that most people read to learn specific topics or to improve their understanding of a certain skill or idea, but when it comes to marriage we seem to be very complacent. As good as your marriage may be, it can always get better and deeper. As bad as it may be, there is always help. Marriage is a relationship and relationships always need constant and consistent work in order for it to be meaningful, so if you don't read this particular book on marriage (though I highly recommend you do so), then read something. Listen to something. Invest time into your marriage for time is the best seed and it always blooms.
January 3, 2022
This is a cesspool of unbiblical, misogynistic advice. Wilson points to passages in both the Old and New Testaments, but doesn’t show a true understanding of them. It’s apparent that Wilson compulsively cherry-picks verses to serve his purposes. Ie, with P31, he focuses only on the woman’s role tending to her family, and mentions nothing about her purchasing fields and managing businesses.
Of note, we read this book as part of pre-marital counseling. Neither my husband nor I agreed with the material, which we relayed to our pastor, who was very amused to find I threw it across the room while reading it and refused to continue (he won’t be recommending it again and hadn’t before, thank heaven). It was later found that not only was sexual abuse rampant within Wilson’s congregation but that he openly condoned this behavior. That was evident through the whole book. Its only good use is kindling.
Of note, we read this book as part of pre-marital counseling. Neither my husband nor I agreed with the material, which we relayed to our pastor, who was very amused to find I threw it across the room while reading it and refused to continue (he won’t be recommending it again and hadn’t before, thank heaven). It was later found that not only was sexual abuse rampant within Wilson’s congregation but that he openly condoned this behavior. That was evident through the whole book. Its only good use is kindling.
July 11, 2025
My wife and I listened to Reforming Marriage during a 20-hour drive out to Utah, and it sparked some of the most fruitful conversations we’ve ever had. Over the course of the three and a half hours, we paused after every chapter to discuss areas where we agreed, where we saw room for growth, and where we simply hadn’t thought deeply enough about our own marriage. We both walked away challenged, convicted, and encouraged.
April 15, 2022
In my humble opinion, this is the best book about marriage I have read. He speaks a lot to practical day in and day out concepts, while giving all biblical references. He very clearly expresses a man’s headship in a home, and how everything starts with a man finding Joy in the Lord and cherishing his wife. The aroma of a home starts with a man’s leadership and love for his wife. Wilson also gives a lot of practical examples of lies women often fall into, and how to deal with sin. Very good and very convicting.
June 29, 2021
I have so much to say, and yet the words escape me because this book can not possibly be summed up easily. Like all of Dougs work it is wordy, and often illogical in structure. With the point being at the beginning and the end with nonsense and incredibly long paragraphs taking up the middle to derail the reader from his actual point.
I saw recently someone describe Doug as the lovable charismatic older man in church whom we all I love, but who we wouldn’t let 50 feet near the pulpit because he is crass and at times embarrassing to the body. This man time and time again shows how incredibly unqualified he is, and this book is another example of that. At one point he is talks about how Barbie is staked, and then telling men how they need to open the car doors for their wives otherwise they aren’t honoring them. In another spot he is telling men how it is their responsibility to cultivate external beauty in their wives through efficacious obedience. I kid you not. He puts the burden on men to make their wives attractive through their works, ugly wife? Disobedience must be the culprit and it’s the husbands. Back to the old man in church compassion, most of us would nod and laugh about his comments later if Doug gave us this advice in real life. But, we’d all be smart enough to never talk to him about marriage ever again, or anything with depth. And yet some how he gets a pass in reformed circles? Not only that but he’s widely supported and cherished? It’s dumbfounding to me.
I added some of the most obviously absurd quotes, but i assure you - it is not even a fraction of what is problematic in this book. Just read them, and it you are concerned about me highlighting things out of context to make them seem more absurd, then feel free to read the book. But, I wouldn’t recommend you do.
I read much of this to my husband who points out that Doug lays all the burden on the husband. It’s all law, it’s all lists of to do’s. And there is so little wiggle room for how to be a godly husband. He just say do do do, obey obey obey, and most of it is just plucked from thin air.
The good: Doug clearly loves his own wife and wants men to love theirs. But, apart from that… all the advice and “biblical truth” he presents is either bad or subpar. There is nothing profound I’m this book other than how profound it is that Doug truly believes that what he’s saying is true. That’s profound.
I saw recently someone describe Doug as the lovable charismatic older man in church whom we all I love, but who we wouldn’t let 50 feet near the pulpit because he is crass and at times embarrassing to the body. This man time and time again shows how incredibly unqualified he is, and this book is another example of that. At one point he is talks about how Barbie is staked, and then telling men how they need to open the car doors for their wives otherwise they aren’t honoring them. In another spot he is telling men how it is their responsibility to cultivate external beauty in their wives through efficacious obedience. I kid you not. He puts the burden on men to make their wives attractive through their works, ugly wife? Disobedience must be the culprit and it’s the husbands. Back to the old man in church compassion, most of us would nod and laugh about his comments later if Doug gave us this advice in real life. But, we’d all be smart enough to never talk to him about marriage ever again, or anything with depth. And yet some how he gets a pass in reformed circles? Not only that but he’s widely supported and cherished? It’s dumbfounding to me.
I added some of the most obviously absurd quotes, but i assure you - it is not even a fraction of what is problematic in this book. Just read them, and it you are concerned about me highlighting things out of context to make them seem more absurd, then feel free to read the book. But, I wouldn’t recommend you do.
I read much of this to my husband who points out that Doug lays all the burden on the husband. It’s all law, it’s all lists of to do’s. And there is so little wiggle room for how to be a godly husband. He just say do do do, obey obey obey, and most of it is just plucked from thin air.
The good: Doug clearly loves his own wife and wants men to love theirs. But, apart from that… all the advice and “biblical truth” he presents is either bad or subpar. There is nothing profound I’m this book other than how profound it is that Doug truly believes that what he’s saying is true. That’s profound.
September 11, 2018
Lots of good stuff in here. Update: read again in 2021. This is a great gem.
January 10, 2024
Ashamedly, I went into this book ready to hate it and burn it. Because:
1. Pastor Doug attracts controversy
2. Most of what I had heard about Wilson was from the internet (which is never wrong) or from people sharing one small spicy quote out of context from him, without giving the bigger picture of the issue he was trying to explain.
This is a fantastic book. I’d read it again. This seemed pretty biblically sound, and really well balanced. I didn’t become an avid Wilsonite overnight, but if anything, this certainly gave me a good wake up call to read things for myself instead of just buying into media hype.
1. Pastor Doug attracts controversy
2. Most of what I had heard about Wilson was from the internet (which is never wrong) or from people sharing one small spicy quote out of context from him, without giving the bigger picture of the issue he was trying to explain.
This is a fantastic book. I’d read it again. This seemed pretty biblically sound, and really well balanced. I didn’t become an avid Wilsonite overnight, but if anything, this certainly gave me a good wake up call to read things for myself instead of just buying into media hype.
July 22, 2025
Convicted and motivated upon finishing this book. Gonna be returning to this one I am certain. Rock solid and direct---no page feels wasted. As a result, your time as the reader never feels wasted. Wilson builds every point on Scriptural grounds and highlights the gospel realities that undergird marriage realities.
March 18, 2009
Meh. I really don't understand the rave reviews. It's okay. It's not as horrible as the stuff that comes out of CBMW, but he doesn't go far enough with the notion of Covenant marriage, imo.
I'm willing to accept and assert the notion of "male headship," but most of the authors that insist upon the idea are stuck in an earlier decade. Wilson is stuck in an earlier century. He makes the man/husband/father the center of the home, not Christ, and as a result he offers a very egocentric ethic on marriage. He offers some *new* corrections into the conversation (like the unreasonable expectation of consistently mind-blowing sex in evangelical marriages), but they are merely a spice not a whole meal.
I'll give Wilson this too. He is better than the CBMW stuff about the whole "final decision-maker" status that they give to men/husbands/fathers. That's pure foolishness -- something that the CBMWs think is natural and normal, but it's actually very 20th century. Instead, Wilson talks about the husband's responsibility for all commitments -- like a captain on a ship, for instance.
I understand that he's trying to recreate 16th-century patriarchy. I understand that he's trying to foil the Baptistic bent that is stuck in the throat of contemporary Reformed believers. That's fine. But Doug, honey -- if that's what you want to do, don't make feminism your foil. That makes you sounds simply reactionary and merely political.
I'm willing to accept and assert the notion of "male headship," but most of the authors that insist upon the idea are stuck in an earlier decade. Wilson is stuck in an earlier century. He makes the man/husband/father the center of the home, not Christ, and as a result he offers a very egocentric ethic on marriage. He offers some *new* corrections into the conversation (like the unreasonable expectation of consistently mind-blowing sex in evangelical marriages), but they are merely a spice not a whole meal.
I'll give Wilson this too. He is better than the CBMW stuff about the whole "final decision-maker" status that they give to men/husbands/fathers. That's pure foolishness -- something that the CBMWs think is natural and normal, but it's actually very 20th century. Instead, Wilson talks about the husband's responsibility for all commitments -- like a captain on a ship, for instance.
I understand that he's trying to recreate 16th-century patriarchy. I understand that he's trying to foil the Baptistic bent that is stuck in the throat of contemporary Reformed believers. That's fine. But Doug, honey -- if that's what you want to do, don't make feminism your foil. That makes you sounds simply reactionary and merely political.
February 12, 2018
Excellent. Wish I read this years ago.
September 16, 2019
Another good book by Doug Wilson. Although not my favorite by him, it is nonetheless a good book. Wilson can bite and be gracious at the same time. His writing cuts away the meat and gets to the bones of an issue with minimal words. In this work, Wilson paints a picture of marriage informed by Scripture and not by the society around us. He is politically incorrect but Scripturally faithful.
April 1, 2012
2022: After many years, I listened to it again on the Canon+ App. This is a really, really good! If it’s been a while since you haven’t read it, make sure you pick it up again soon!
September 11, 2025
I enjoyed this much more than I expected to. There is a boatload of practical wisdom and prudence here to incorporate. As per usual with Wilson, there are some parts of the book that he just quotes a passage of Scripture and assumes his own interpretation of it rather than give an argument for it. Of course, doing that often would bog down the readability of the book, which was one of its great strengths, but some more sustained attention to 1 Corinthians or the end of Ezra would have been appreciated.
January 12, 2026
A really great book. Challenging, convicting, and very biblical in its matter and form. One of things I enjoyed most about it was its lack of personal stories and endless examples! While there is nothing wrong with books like these, I personally would just rather good prose and clear argumentation (which I thought Wilson did well in both, generally). I wish I had read this book in marriage counseling or at least before marriage!
My only minor critiques would be 1) I wish Wilson provided a richer spiritual and theological presentation of the Church in relation to Christ, and 2) I thought Wilson did not sufficiently cover certain topics, but overall he was pretty thorough.
My only minor critiques would be 1) I wish Wilson provided a richer spiritual and theological presentation of the Church in relation to Christ, and 2) I thought Wilson did not sufficiently cover certain topics, but overall he was pretty thorough.
March 23, 2025
this book made me simultaneously thankful for my husband and that i am a woman. what a high and weighty calling it is to be a husband! what a gift marriage is!
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July 23, 2011This book is a breath of fresh air. One of Doug Wilson's gift is the ability that God has given him to craft his writing in a witty and interesting way. Combine that with the biblical principles Wilson presents, the book proves to be an edifying read, one that is hard to put down. Though it is short in length, it is pack not only with biblical insight but also God-given wisdom of a married couple who has been there, and APPLIED that. A highlight in the book is the theme of the biblical role of husband and wife. It should leave readers with the impression that a good marriage would be hard work, and one that is centered on God according to the blueprint that God has given in His Word. Definitely a recommended resource for couples who are courting and even newly wed. Read it with your partner. I praise God that in His Sovereignty, my Pastor assigned this as a reading in our church's couple's meeting!
October 1, 2019
Excellent little book on marriage. I read the whole book on a long plane flight and enjoyed every page. I especially appreciated how closely the author compared the relationship of Christ to the church and the husband and wife relationship. If we all took our marriages that seriously, there would be a lot fewer unhappy marriages and divorces in the world. I definitely recommend this book especially to younger couples.
March 18, 2015
While I share the same basic biblical theology of marriage as the author, I find the absence of grace and gentleness and humility to be so significant in his descriptions of marriage as to greatly devalue this book.
December 30, 2017
Wow, it's going to take me a while to recover from that read. This book is convicting, stuffed full of wisdom, and has changed so much of my thinking. Praying God grants me the heart change to apply it!
August 22, 2015
This book was gifted to me by my college roommate right before I was about to be married. I faithfully read it back in 2001, but I was likely too immature to truly appreciate it to the fullest back then. I read it and learned a lot, but I honestly wished I had re-read it and taken it more to heart than I did. I feel like it would have helped me thrive through those early years of marriage.
Re-reading it in 2025, I can already tell that a great many people will absolutely hate this book. It feels so counter-cultural to modern sensibility on relationships and the roles of men and women. But if our culture has revealed anything, it is that the modern view of relationships has resulted in nothing but shipwreck for both men and women and these time tested views of old deserve a fresh appraisal.
I could absolutely see women reading this book and coming away with a fear of overbearing patriarchy. But if you actually read the book and understand the intent, this book is a full throated rebuke of weak men and their abrogation of their roles of provider and protector in a Biblical marriage. It has been far too long since I read this and if you are a Christian man seeking to strengthen their marriage, I cannot encourage you enough to consider this little gem of a book. 5 Stars.
What follows are my notes (mostly just direct quotes) on the book:
Introduction:
The health of all other relationships in the home depends upon the health of this relationship (husband-wife), and the key is found in how the husband is treating the wife.
Christ has loved the Church in the same way He wants men to love their wives.
If we might paraphrase the words of the catechism, the chief end of marriage is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
Those who place their wives before God will lose their wives.
Chapter 1: A practical theology of marriage
Maturity in the Lord is a prerequisite to maturity in marriage.
The nature of the triune God is described in scripture under the figure of a father-son bond. Before He laid the foundation of the earth, the Father had already selected a bride for His Son. That bride is the Christian Church….Paul teaches us that we ought self-consciously to think of our marriages as dim pictures of this central marriage of Christ and the Church…..We can therefore see how the foundation of marriage is covenantal.
Surprisingly for some, the Bible does teach that God calls a husband and wife by the same name – the name of the husband.
When God joined them together (Adam and Eve), He was joining together every man and woman who has ever come together sexually in a covenant bond.
Because God created Adam and Eve, homosexuality is excluded. Because Adam could find no helper suitable for himself among the animals, bestiality is excluded. And because God created just one woman for Adam, the pattern of monogamy is clearly set and displayed to us.
The Bible sets forth three basic earthly reasons for marriage. They are, in turn, the need for helpful companionship, the need for godly offspring, and the avoidance of sexual immorality.
“Nor was man created for the woman, but the woman for man” (1 Cor 11:9). As a result of the creation order, men and women are oriented to one another differently. They need one another but they need one another differently. The man needs the help; the woman needs to help.
Chapter 2 – Headship and Authority
Marriage is defined in part as the headship of a husband over a wife.
The attitude that is required for wives is one of respect “…and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph 5:33). Men on the other hand, are commanded to love (agapao) their wives to the uttermost.
God requires our spouses to render to us far more than any of us deserve.
The creation order means that husbands are called to a particular task. Their wives are called to the role of aiding and supporting them in their calling.
This obviously collides with the idea that men and women have an equal right to pursue their separate careers as they climb up the professional ladder. Unfortunately, this assumption is common in the evangelical church today. It is thoroughly unbiblical.
At the foundation, feminism is the handiwork of two kinds of men-destructive, overbearing men on the one hand and wimps on the other. Because of how God made the world, men are always responsible for everything that happens in the feminine world-whether they want that responsibility or not, and whether or not women want to acknowledge it.
When a couple comes for marriage counseling, my operating assumption is always that the man is completely responsible for all the problems. Some may be inclined to react to this, but it is important to note that responsibility is not the same as guilt. If a woman has been unfaithful to her husband, of course she bears the guilt of her adultery. But at the same time, he is responsible for it.
The fact that the children were not responding to their mother showed there was a deficiency in his discipline. Her problem was his problem. The husband has a responsibility to make sure that whenever the children even think about talking back to their mother, they see their father’s shadow looming behind her.
The Bible does NOT require the submission of women to men, but rather of a woman to a man.
A man may not be a vocational theologian, but in his home he must be the resident theologian (1 Co 14:35). This famous passage is not such a restriction for wives as it is a requirement for husbands.
Chapter 3: Duties of Husbands and Wives
A man must love his wife sacrificially (Eph 5:25), and he must not expect anything but weeds unless he tends the garden with extraordinary care.
A husband MUST be jealous and protective.
Specifically, a man is commanded to be satisfied with his wife’s breasts and to be enraptured with her love. To compare a woman with others, whether silently or aloud, whether with words or actions, is always destructive.
A woman is instructed to be a homemaker (Titus 2:3-5). If a woman is competent, and she should be, in due time her industry will take her outside the home (Prov 31:10-31). The Bible does not teach that the woman’s place is in the home; it requires that the home be her priority, but she is not at all limited to the home.
A wife must meet her husband’s sexual needs (1 Cor 7:2-5). This involves more than just being “willing” whenever “he wants it;” it involves being a responsive lover.
Chapter 4: Efficacious Love
Love bestows loveliness
Once young girls used to play with baby dolls, seeing themselves in the role of the nurturing mother; now they can be seen playing with Barbie dolls, seeing themselves in the place of the doll. And of course, the doll is both pretty, and stacked. The pressure is on and stays on from there.
The perversion in this is not that women desire to be attractive and lovely. The perversion is the modern divorce of a woman’s loveliness from the behavior of her father and husband.
Paul teaches that Christian “women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety ad moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing (1 Ti 2:9).
Paul requires that husbands behave with a thoughtful and courteous consideration of their wives.
This means men must honor their wives in tangible ways. He must honor her in front of their children, and insist that they imitate him in that honor. By his words and actions, he should constantly praise and honor her in public (Pr 31:28).
Romantic love, as it is commonly understood, is a modern idol of the mind, emotions, and heart.
Chapter 5: The Problem of Sin
Sin should be confessed as soon as it is understood to be sin.
Rules for keeping short accounts:
1. Never split up until things are resolved
2. Never let anyone into your home when there is no harmony there.
3. Never go anywhere else when you are out of fellowship
4. Never wait until later to fix things, even when you are surrounded by others. If the sin is obvious to all, then the restitution should be made in the presence of all.
5. Never have sexual relations when you are out of fellowship with one another.
Chapter 6: Miscellaneous Temptations
The Nice Guy Syndrome
In the Christian world today, countless marriages have not really been spiritually consummated. The marriage covenant has been made, and there has been a physical cunsumation, but the marriage is still not right. It is not right because the marriage cannot be spiritually consummated if the husband acts the part of a spiritual eunuch. When the husband has this problem, the result for the wife is a temptation to deep-seated frustration and resentment. The irony is that such spiritual eunuchs are almost always nice guys.
How many Christian women today can be considered as daughters of Abraham? How many of them could imagine calling their husband lord with a straight face.
So this is the nature of the problem; many Christian men are nice guys, but they do not provide the strength of leadership that God requires and their wives need.
When a wife asks for counsel, she should always receive counsel. When she comes to her husband for a decision, he should always make a decision. She needs him to make a FIRM decision. Many wives question whether a man really made a decision or if he just said something to get her to be quiet. She resists, not because she rejects his leadership, but because she wants to ensure that he is exercising real leadership. If he then caves in, it is clear to her that he did not really make a decision at all.
Now a godly husband may decide, after taking his wife’s concerns into account, to do things “her way.” But in a godly home, as soon as he does this, it becomes his decision. Some abdicating husbands may think they are being decisive when they go off and so something without consulting their wives at all. This sort of thing is a far cry from biblical leadership; if he thinks something is the right thing to do, a godly husband does not shy away from discussing it with his wife before he does it.
Many women want their husbands to do little thoughtful things spontaneously and not because anyone taught them to do so. If a son is brought up correctly and is taught by his father to do such things for his mother, by the time he gets married it will be spontaneous for him.
The central lie in pornography is that it says men and women have different bodies but the same kind of brains. It says that women are as eager for sex and approach sex in the same way that men do.
If we interviewed a thousand men who were promiscuous, we would find men with a lack of self-control. If we were to interview a thousand promiscuous women, we would not find a sexual problem but a security problem.
If a strange man comes into a home, and a little girl climbs on his lap, something is seriously wrong. The girl has a big vacuum in her life--a need for masculine attention--that is not being filled by her father. When she enters adolescence, she will suddenly discover that she now has a commodity with which she can bargain, and she will be tempted to use it. This is because she still has a need for the security , and a void that still needs to be filled with masculine attention. Now all of a sudden men are voluntarily paying attention to her.
These young men are after one thing, and she is after another. They consequently make an exchange that makes neither one of them truly happy.
The goal of an argument with your spouse is not to win, but to maintain the relationship. When the husband is ahead 15-3 in fights, they both are losers.
“For you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God...”(Ex 34:14). The Lord we serve is named Jealous; not only does He expect His people to abstain from spiritual adultery, He also requires that they refrain from “mild” flirtations and dalliances as well. He has no tolerance for infidelity in any of its forms.
Men can obsess over their spouses previous fornication (before they were married). This sin was in the past, before he was her husband, and the only one who can deal with the past is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Husbands are not equipped to protect their wives from the past. Only God can forgive sin. The irony is in re-litigating the past, they leave their wives unprotected in the present.
Women are inescapably in need of protection; the only difference between feminists and Christians is that Christians place the duty of protection with fathers and husbands while feminists place the duty of protection with various male-dominated federal agencies.
Chapter 7: The Marriage Bed is Honorable
Often Christians for a poor job teaching on this subject (sex), whether in sermons, books, or seminars, because they are following the world, with some sort of respectable time-lag of about 5-10 years.
It is obviously lawful for a godly husband to admire, kiss, taste, and caress his wife wherever he pleases (Song 7:1-2).
Because the one flesh union occurs any time there is a sexual union, whether moral or immoral, we must sanctify and seal the sexual union with a covenantal oath (i.e. marriage).
The Bible tells us clearly that we are to have nothing to do with sexual immorality. We are even to avoid verbal jesting about immorality.
There is nothing wrong with children knowing that their father is male and their mother is female and that they have a sexual relationship. There IS something wrong with them not knowing this. Tragically, there are many children who can easily imagine their parents sitting in front of the television set laughing at dirty jokes, while they cannot comprehend that their mother and father have a sexual relationship. They cannot comprehend their parents involved in moral sexual behavior, but they can see them involved in immorality. This is a profound tragedy.
If the children know that there is a fundamental unity between husband and wife, they can easily understand the spiritual analogy of Christ and His church.
Christians often have a view of sexual relations that is out of balance because they have been propagandized by the world’s entertainment industry.
Imagine neighbors invite you over to watch them engage in sexual activity. A Christian recoils in horror at the idea, yet they do not have the same reaction upon watching a movie with a few “skin scenes” in it. This is outright hypocrisy.
Because we are finite, our sexual pleasures are also finite. But lust is incapable of saying “enough.” There must always be something else, something more. It is for this reason that lust will always lead to various perversions.
Christians must pursue sexual holiness. We live in a culture which does not really encourage women to wear a lot of clothes. We are all surrounded by visual harlotry of all kinds-in magazines, movies, books. The word of God to Christian men is clear - abstain.
Chapter 8: Multiplying fruitfully
Our culture has a lousy attitude toward kids. Christians have bought into having their allotted 1.7 kids, that they plop in daycare so they can pursue their dual careers.
Large, obedient families are a blessing. When the children are disobedient, the more there are the worse it is.
Related to this is the importance of honoring pregnancy. Throughout the scriptures, we see fruitfulness exalted. One of the most valuable things I ever learned from my father was the loveliness of a pregnant woman. So instead of mockery and flippant jokes, Christians should honor those whom the Lord has blessed.
On birth control, the Bible says directly Thou Shalt not Kill….so infanticide, abortion, and morning after pills are automatically excluded. For other forms of birth control, there is nothing in scripture that says birth control is unlawful.
Chapter 9: Divorce and Remarriage
Because marriage is a covenant surrounding the sexual relationship, sexual immorality strikes at the heart of that covenant. Consequently, divorce is permitted in cases of adultery (Mt 5:31-32).
The second Biblical grounds for divorce is addressed in 1 Co 7:12-16, namely covenantal desertion. If a non-believing spouse leaves you, the Christian spouse is not bound.
Epilogue
The years have passed in our culture, and we have discovered that the fruit is indeed bitter—adultery, disrespectful wives, harsh husbands, divorce, rebellious children, abortion, sodomy.
A Christian will not allow his children to be taught, educated, or raised by men and women who live and teach in rebellion against God. He will remove his children from government schools and educate tem at home or in a godly school.
A Christian man will set the tone of his home through his patience, reverence, dignity, kindness, and courtesy.
Re-reading it in 2025, I can already tell that a great many people will absolutely hate this book. It feels so counter-cultural to modern sensibility on relationships and the roles of men and women. But if our culture has revealed anything, it is that the modern view of relationships has resulted in nothing but shipwreck for both men and women and these time tested views of old deserve a fresh appraisal.
I could absolutely see women reading this book and coming away with a fear of overbearing patriarchy. But if you actually read the book and understand the intent, this book is a full throated rebuke of weak men and their abrogation of their roles of provider and protector in a Biblical marriage. It has been far too long since I read this and if you are a Christian man seeking to strengthen their marriage, I cannot encourage you enough to consider this little gem of a book. 5 Stars.
What follows are my notes (mostly just direct quotes) on the book:
Introduction:
The health of all other relationships in the home depends upon the health of this relationship (husband-wife), and the key is found in how the husband is treating the wife.
Christ has loved the Church in the same way He wants men to love their wives.
If we might paraphrase the words of the catechism, the chief end of marriage is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
Those who place their wives before God will lose their wives.
Chapter 1: A practical theology of marriage
Maturity in the Lord is a prerequisite to maturity in marriage.
The nature of the triune God is described in scripture under the figure of a father-son bond. Before He laid the foundation of the earth, the Father had already selected a bride for His Son. That bride is the Christian Church….Paul teaches us that we ought self-consciously to think of our marriages as dim pictures of this central marriage of Christ and the Church…..We can therefore see how the foundation of marriage is covenantal.
Surprisingly for some, the Bible does teach that God calls a husband and wife by the same name – the name of the husband.
When God joined them together (Adam and Eve), He was joining together every man and woman who has ever come together sexually in a covenant bond.
Because God created Adam and Eve, homosexuality is excluded. Because Adam could find no helper suitable for himself among the animals, bestiality is excluded. And because God created just one woman for Adam, the pattern of monogamy is clearly set and displayed to us.
The Bible sets forth three basic earthly reasons for marriage. They are, in turn, the need for helpful companionship, the need for godly offspring, and the avoidance of sexual immorality.
“Nor was man created for the woman, but the woman for man” (1 Cor 11:9). As a result of the creation order, men and women are oriented to one another differently. They need one another but they need one another differently. The man needs the help; the woman needs to help.
Chapter 2 – Headship and Authority
Marriage is defined in part as the headship of a husband over a wife.
The attitude that is required for wives is one of respect “…and let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Eph 5:33). Men on the other hand, are commanded to love (agapao) their wives to the uttermost.
God requires our spouses to render to us far more than any of us deserve.
The creation order means that husbands are called to a particular task. Their wives are called to the role of aiding and supporting them in their calling.
This obviously collides with the idea that men and women have an equal right to pursue their separate careers as they climb up the professional ladder. Unfortunately, this assumption is common in the evangelical church today. It is thoroughly unbiblical.
At the foundation, feminism is the handiwork of two kinds of men-destructive, overbearing men on the one hand and wimps on the other. Because of how God made the world, men are always responsible for everything that happens in the feminine world-whether they want that responsibility or not, and whether or not women want to acknowledge it.
When a couple comes for marriage counseling, my operating assumption is always that the man is completely responsible for all the problems. Some may be inclined to react to this, but it is important to note that responsibility is not the same as guilt. If a woman has been unfaithful to her husband, of course she bears the guilt of her adultery. But at the same time, he is responsible for it.
The fact that the children were not responding to their mother showed there was a deficiency in his discipline. Her problem was his problem. The husband has a responsibility to make sure that whenever the children even think about talking back to their mother, they see their father’s shadow looming behind her.
The Bible does NOT require the submission of women to men, but rather of a woman to a man.
A man may not be a vocational theologian, but in his home he must be the resident theologian (1 Co 14:35). This famous passage is not such a restriction for wives as it is a requirement for husbands.
Chapter 3: Duties of Husbands and Wives
A man must love his wife sacrificially (Eph 5:25), and he must not expect anything but weeds unless he tends the garden with extraordinary care.
A husband MUST be jealous and protective.
Specifically, a man is commanded to be satisfied with his wife’s breasts and to be enraptured with her love. To compare a woman with others, whether silently or aloud, whether with words or actions, is always destructive.
A woman is instructed to be a homemaker (Titus 2:3-5). If a woman is competent, and she should be, in due time her industry will take her outside the home (Prov 31:10-31). The Bible does not teach that the woman’s place is in the home; it requires that the home be her priority, but she is not at all limited to the home.
A wife must meet her husband’s sexual needs (1 Cor 7:2-5). This involves more than just being “willing” whenever “he wants it;” it involves being a responsive lover.
Chapter 4: Efficacious Love
Love bestows loveliness
Once young girls used to play with baby dolls, seeing themselves in the role of the nurturing mother; now they can be seen playing with Barbie dolls, seeing themselves in the place of the doll. And of course, the doll is both pretty, and stacked. The pressure is on and stays on from there.
The perversion in this is not that women desire to be attractive and lovely. The perversion is the modern divorce of a woman’s loveliness from the behavior of her father and husband.
Paul teaches that Christian “women adorn themselves in modest apparel, with propriety ad moderation, not with braided hair or gold or pearls or costly clothing (1 Ti 2:9).
Paul requires that husbands behave with a thoughtful and courteous consideration of their wives.
This means men must honor their wives in tangible ways. He must honor her in front of their children, and insist that they imitate him in that honor. By his words and actions, he should constantly praise and honor her in public (Pr 31:28).
Romantic love, as it is commonly understood, is a modern idol of the mind, emotions, and heart.
Chapter 5: The Problem of Sin
Sin should be confessed as soon as it is understood to be sin.
Rules for keeping short accounts:
1. Never split up until things are resolved
2. Never let anyone into your home when there is no harmony there.
3. Never go anywhere else when you are out of fellowship
4. Never wait until later to fix things, even when you are surrounded by others. If the sin is obvious to all, then the restitution should be made in the presence of all.
5. Never have sexual relations when you are out of fellowship with one another.
Chapter 6: Miscellaneous Temptations
The Nice Guy Syndrome
In the Christian world today, countless marriages have not really been spiritually consummated. The marriage covenant has been made, and there has been a physical cunsumation, but the marriage is still not right. It is not right because the marriage cannot be spiritually consummated if the husband acts the part of a spiritual eunuch. When the husband has this problem, the result for the wife is a temptation to deep-seated frustration and resentment. The irony is that such spiritual eunuchs are almost always nice guys.
How many Christian women today can be considered as daughters of Abraham? How many of them could imagine calling their husband lord with a straight face.
So this is the nature of the problem; many Christian men are nice guys, but they do not provide the strength of leadership that God requires and their wives need.
When a wife asks for counsel, she should always receive counsel. When she comes to her husband for a decision, he should always make a decision. She needs him to make a FIRM decision. Many wives question whether a man really made a decision or if he just said something to get her to be quiet. She resists, not because she rejects his leadership, but because she wants to ensure that he is exercising real leadership. If he then caves in, it is clear to her that he did not really make a decision at all.
Now a godly husband may decide, after taking his wife’s concerns into account, to do things “her way.” But in a godly home, as soon as he does this, it becomes his decision. Some abdicating husbands may think they are being decisive when they go off and so something without consulting their wives at all. This sort of thing is a far cry from biblical leadership; if he thinks something is the right thing to do, a godly husband does not shy away from discussing it with his wife before he does it.
Many women want their husbands to do little thoughtful things spontaneously and not because anyone taught them to do so. If a son is brought up correctly and is taught by his father to do such things for his mother, by the time he gets married it will be spontaneous for him.
The central lie in pornography is that it says men and women have different bodies but the same kind of brains. It says that women are as eager for sex and approach sex in the same way that men do.
If we interviewed a thousand men who were promiscuous, we would find men with a lack of self-control. If we were to interview a thousand promiscuous women, we would not find a sexual problem but a security problem.
If a strange man comes into a home, and a little girl climbs on his lap, something is seriously wrong. The girl has a big vacuum in her life--a need for masculine attention--that is not being filled by her father. When she enters adolescence, she will suddenly discover that she now has a commodity with which she can bargain, and she will be tempted to use it. This is because she still has a need for the security , and a void that still needs to be filled with masculine attention. Now all of a sudden men are voluntarily paying attention to her.
These young men are after one thing, and she is after another. They consequently make an exchange that makes neither one of them truly happy.
The goal of an argument with your spouse is not to win, but to maintain the relationship. When the husband is ahead 15-3 in fights, they both are losers.
“For you shall worship no other god, for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God...”(Ex 34:14). The Lord we serve is named Jealous; not only does He expect His people to abstain from spiritual adultery, He also requires that they refrain from “mild” flirtations and dalliances as well. He has no tolerance for infidelity in any of its forms.
Men can obsess over their spouses previous fornication (before they were married). This sin was in the past, before he was her husband, and the only one who can deal with the past is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. Husbands are not equipped to protect their wives from the past. Only God can forgive sin. The irony is in re-litigating the past, they leave their wives unprotected in the present.
Women are inescapably in need of protection; the only difference between feminists and Christians is that Christians place the duty of protection with fathers and husbands while feminists place the duty of protection with various male-dominated federal agencies.
Chapter 7: The Marriage Bed is Honorable
Often Christians for a poor job teaching on this subject (sex), whether in sermons, books, or seminars, because they are following the world, with some sort of respectable time-lag of about 5-10 years.
It is obviously lawful for a godly husband to admire, kiss, taste, and caress his wife wherever he pleases (Song 7:1-2).
Because the one flesh union occurs any time there is a sexual union, whether moral or immoral, we must sanctify and seal the sexual union with a covenantal oath (i.e. marriage).
The Bible tells us clearly that we are to have nothing to do with sexual immorality. We are even to avoid verbal jesting about immorality.
There is nothing wrong with children knowing that their father is male and their mother is female and that they have a sexual relationship. There IS something wrong with them not knowing this. Tragically, there are many children who can easily imagine their parents sitting in front of the television set laughing at dirty jokes, while they cannot comprehend that their mother and father have a sexual relationship. They cannot comprehend their parents involved in moral sexual behavior, but they can see them involved in immorality. This is a profound tragedy.
If the children know that there is a fundamental unity between husband and wife, they can easily understand the spiritual analogy of Christ and His church.
Christians often have a view of sexual relations that is out of balance because they have been propagandized by the world’s entertainment industry.
Imagine neighbors invite you over to watch them engage in sexual activity. A Christian recoils in horror at the idea, yet they do not have the same reaction upon watching a movie with a few “skin scenes” in it. This is outright hypocrisy.
Because we are finite, our sexual pleasures are also finite. But lust is incapable of saying “enough.” There must always be something else, something more. It is for this reason that lust will always lead to various perversions.
Christians must pursue sexual holiness. We live in a culture which does not really encourage women to wear a lot of clothes. We are all surrounded by visual harlotry of all kinds-in magazines, movies, books. The word of God to Christian men is clear - abstain.
Chapter 8: Multiplying fruitfully
Our culture has a lousy attitude toward kids. Christians have bought into having their allotted 1.7 kids, that they plop in daycare so they can pursue their dual careers.
Large, obedient families are a blessing. When the children are disobedient, the more there are the worse it is.
Related to this is the importance of honoring pregnancy. Throughout the scriptures, we see fruitfulness exalted. One of the most valuable things I ever learned from my father was the loveliness of a pregnant woman. So instead of mockery and flippant jokes, Christians should honor those whom the Lord has blessed.
On birth control, the Bible says directly Thou Shalt not Kill….so infanticide, abortion, and morning after pills are automatically excluded. For other forms of birth control, there is nothing in scripture that says birth control is unlawful.
Chapter 9: Divorce and Remarriage
Because marriage is a covenant surrounding the sexual relationship, sexual immorality strikes at the heart of that covenant. Consequently, divorce is permitted in cases of adultery (Mt 5:31-32).
The second Biblical grounds for divorce is addressed in 1 Co 7:12-16, namely covenantal desertion. If a non-believing spouse leaves you, the Christian spouse is not bound.
Epilogue
The years have passed in our culture, and we have discovered that the fruit is indeed bitter—adultery, disrespectful wives, harsh husbands, divorce, rebellious children, abortion, sodomy.
A Christian will not allow his children to be taught, educated, or raised by men and women who live and teach in rebellion against God. He will remove his children from government schools and educate tem at home or in a godly school.
A Christian man will set the tone of his home through his patience, reverence, dignity, kindness, and courtesy.
February 26, 2021
Really good. I listened to the audio version on the Canon App.
August 15, 2023
I can’t believe how good this book is
July 24, 2025
Incredibly practical, gospel-centered, and convicting! Doug mainly exhorts men in the book so I would recommend complementing this with one of Nancy's books to get instruction as a woman.
July 29, 2023
Excellent as usual. Lots of gold in here, very practical.
March 28, 2023
Lots of practical wisdom.
“It is crucial that a husband gives to his wife what the Bible says she needs, rather than what she says she needs.”
“It is crucial that a husband gives to his wife what the Bible says she needs, rather than what she says she needs.”
May 13, 2021
When I first heard Douglas Wilson on marriage, I pushed away from it. There had been plenty of authoritarian “leaders” around who modeled headship in controlling and manipulative of their wives, and so in an overreaction, i lumped Doug Wilson in with them. One whiff of “complementarianism” and I heard that a wife is just to do what her husband tells her to do. I was tired of marriage books, and it was eventually asking myself the question, “How does Christ love his bride?” that began to bring clarity. Nowadays, we can see all sorts of chaos in the world, and I am reminded of the saying “Christ or chaos.” We can have one. With a heavy heart, Doug Wilson guided me through a biblical framework of marriage. It goes against the grain of all we know, or at least all we like. It is the courageous and brave love of a husband, fueled by knowing the love of his Heavenly Father for him, that emboldens a man to live against the grain. The problems in our culture, cities, news reports, school, churches, homes, and families... it is all traced back to us, men. We have abdicated our God given responsibilities, and our wives and children and neighbors are paying the price. We have chosen chaos, our own will in our own timing with consideration of our own comfort, for Christ. We have filled our churches with weakness, and now wonder why no one is coming to Christ. Our fruit is bitter and rotten. Word to readers: do not come to close without fear of the flame, for our Lord is an all consuming fire jealous for his bride. We want a revival, and a revival must begin with a reformation. Christ in us, and then us in our homes. God give us fear, grace and wisdom as we go.
May 27, 2023
This is the most comprehensive, helpful, and challenging book that I have read concerning marriage. Wilson teaches authoritatively from the Scriptures - nothing more, nothing less. As he seems to always be doing, this book expertly applies to gospel to every area of marriage. He challenges destructive cultural lies that certainly almost all of us have allowed to corrupt our thinking and views on marriage, whether knowingly or unknowingly.
I highly recommend this book to the single, engaged, and the parents-of-6 alike.
I highly recommend this book to the single, engaged, and the parents-of-6 alike.
July 21, 2016
This is a well-written Wilson book. He clearly expresses his opinion.
My concern with this view is that he places the husband's role where only Christ should be. Christ is the ultimate head of the home, not the husband. A woman's identity is in Christ Alone. She is lost in Christ, not in her husband. She lives in the shadow of the cross.
My concern with this view is that he places the husband's role where only Christ should be. Christ is the ultimate head of the home, not the husband. A woman's identity is in Christ Alone. She is lost in Christ, not in her husband. She lives in the shadow of the cross.
January 11, 2018
2024 Read again meeting with an engaged couple, so good.
I think I started reading this back in 2011, but didn't get very far, but I finally started it over and really enjoyed it. I've heard most of its content in sermons and blog articles, but it's all really good stuff.
I think I started reading this back in 2011, but didn't get very far, but I finally started it over and really enjoyed it. I've heard most of its content in sermons and blog articles, but it's all really good stuff.
Read
July 19, 2021Good stuff. One worth reading many times.
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