Brothers, Sisters, Strangers: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation

by Fern Schumer Chapman

A warm, empathetic guide to understanding, coping with, and healing from the unique pain of sibling estrangement

"Whenever I tell people that I am working on a book about sibling estrangement, they sit up a little straighter and lean in, as if I've tapped into a dark secret."

Fern Schumer Chapman understands the pain of sibling estrangement firsthand. For the better part of forty years, she had nearly no relationship with her only brother, despite many attempts at reconnection. Her grief and shame were devastating and isolating. But when she tried to turn to others for help, she found that a profound stigma still surrounded estrangement, and that very little statistical and psychological research existed to help her better understand the rift that had broken up her family. So she decided to conduct her own research, interviewing psychologists and estranged siblings as well as recording the extraordinary story of her own rift with her brother--and subsequent reconciliation.

Brothers, Sisters, Strangers is the result--a thoughtfully researched memoir that illuminates both the author's own story and the greater phenomenon of estrangement. Chapman helps readers work through the challenges of rebuilding a sibling relationship that seems damaged beyond repair, as well as understand when estrangement is the best option. It is at once a detailed framework for understanding sibling estrangement, a beacon of solidarity and comfort for the estranged, and a moving memoir about family trauma, addiction, grief, and recovery.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Family

304 pages, Hardcover

First published April 6, 2021

About the author

Critically acclaimed Chicago-based writer Fern Schumer Chapman has written several award-winning books. Viking/Penguin released BROTHERS, SISTERS, STRANGERS: Sibling Estrangement and the Road to Reconciliation in 2021. She writes a blog about sibling estrangement for psychologytoday.com: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl... Some of her blog posts are compiled in her latest work, THE SIBLING ESTRANGEMENT JOURNAL: A Guided Exploration of Your Experiences .

Her memoir, MOTHERLAND -- a Barnes & Noble Discover Great New Writers selection, a finalist for the National Jewish Book Award, and a BookSense76 pick -- is a popular choice for book clubs. She has written two picture books in the HAPPY HARPER series., which explores little people's big emotions.

Her other books -- IS IT NIGHT OR DAY?, LIKE FINDING MY TWIN, STUMBLING ON HISTORY, and THREE STARS IN THE NIGHT SKY -- are used in middle and high school classrooms. In 2004, Illinois Association of Teachers of English (IATE) named Chapman "Illinois Author of the Year." Twice, Oprah Winfrey shows have featured her books. The Junior Library Guild has selected STUMBLING ON HISTORY, IS IT NIGHT OR DAY?, and THREE STARS IN THE NIGHT SKY as featured titles.

Reviews

[Lisa Konet · Rating 5 out of 5]

Well this was emotional as hell!! It makes me give pause the relationship with my brother, who is my only sibling. I want to have a strong relationship where we can talk to each other when it is just us left. He has his own family, I do not and I do not want to be cast aside. We definitely have some work to do.

Very insightful. Well written and relevant. I am definitely getting this at publishing to share with my brother.

Thanks to Netgalley, Ferm Schumer Chapman and Penguin Group Viking for an ARC in exchange for an honest review.

Available: 4/6/21

[Anh Tran · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful book on the subject of sibling estrangement, it tells the story of how the author and her brother grew up in a traumatic household and it cause a big rift in the family, and how they're attempting to reconcile after 4 decades of no contact. She lists all her research on other cases of estrangement and recognizes that reconciliation is not always possible. Estrangement is often painful for both parties, and cause a rift for everyone in the family and future generations. The book talks about many factors that can cause estrangement and this has helped me recognize my own family issues, and hopefully work through some of them.


Quote:
"The estrangement experience is alienating, in part due to a lack of acknowledgement of the griever and scant societal support for the loss. ... the estranged suffer alone with what's called "disenfranchised grief," which is defined as grief from a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned."

[Amanda Christina · Rating 4 out of 5]

Well written, expansive, compassionate, and fair. I’m at a later, more accepting stage in my sibling estrangement, but this book will be a comfort for those unsure of where to turn. The author outlines many different scenarios and reasons for sibling estrangement. I know it’s very common after seeing it in my own life in friends and relatives or from talking to my therapist. One of the best things this book provides is letting the reader know: you are not alone. It can cause a lot of grief in this life, but it doesn’t have to. Simply knowing how many people are dealing with estrangement is healing in itself. If you read this book you will find support at some point. The author covers all possibilities and outcomes, never preaching, just understanding.

[Bonnie Krueger · Rating 3 out of 5]

3 1/2 stars. I wish the book had focused less on her personal story and more on relationships in general. Parts of it were more beneficial than others just based on my story of sibling estrangement.

I actually prefer the journal companion book because it gets more to the heart of estrangement and allows you to write out your thoughts.

[Kristen Barrett · Rating 4 out of 5]

An incredible, validating comfort to anyone misfortune enough to encounter sibling estrangement. Whether you're the one making the necessary but painful choice to cut a sibling out, or you've been unwillingly cast aside, you will find wisdom and good company here.

[Karen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was born into a severely dysfunctional family headed by unhappily married parents who were (and are) too selfish to see outside themselves and parent the children they chose to bring into this world. Needless to say, my childhood was not a happy one by any means. And, I continue to struggle with the feeling that I don't belong. After all, if your own family doesn't love you, who will?
I've read numerous books on myriad topics looking for anything that might help me to understand and answer my ever-present question "why?".
Every word and every page of this book resonates with me on a very deep level. The author has provided solid data to support her findings while sharing her own very personal thoughts and experiences along her journey. I now know that I am not alone and feel validated for all that I have been through. It doesn't change my current circumstances, but I am seeing things and thinking about things in a way that I have not before. I cannot recommend this book enough. Thank you, Fern Schumer Chapman.

[Bruce Wasser · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a brother who had been estranged from his sister for many years, I looked forward to this deeply personal and well-researched exploration of sibling estrangement. The book is a triumph on two levels. First, the author has crafted a moving memoir of her path of reconciliation with her brother, from whom she had been estranged for decades. In addition, each chapter deftly braids scholarly research in an accessible fashion, giving the reader a welcomed understanding of the psychology of sibling dislocation. Chapman is a gifted writer, and she bravely exposes some of the most painful aspects of her suffering without a whiff of self pity. This elegant work may be read for existential guidance or as a practical guide for the repair of fractured relationships. There are not many books that provide hope; this surely is one of them.

[Andrea · Rating 5 out of 5]

My youngest sister recommended this book and I’m glad she did! It really helped me to understand some various reasons for sibling estrangement and why it feels so bad. It also does a great job to reduce the stigma of this situation.

[Carl Mueller]

Recommended by Tom pace 9/15/2024

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

There is a lot to like and a little bit to dislike about this book. First, I can start with what I disliked. At times I felt like this author really leaned on her own perspective even when trying to write the more “unbiased” aspects of the book. For example, I felt like she wrote from the perspective who was shunned by their sibling (obviously because that was her experience) more than a fair balance of understanding those that cut off their sibling versus not. She would try to weave these two perspectives together and understand both but she clearly emotionally related more to those that were cut off than the opposite (like when taking the side of Megan Markle’s brother who tried to convince Prince Harry not to marry her in a publicly available letter). I also felt like this was at times very clearly written by someone older for others that are older and experiencing this. For example, her references to David Brooks, a known conservative editorial columnist felt dated and almost like insane to me as she referenced his quotes talking about how the breakdown of the nuclear family was essentially ruining the country and all. But once you get past those I think that there still is some really interesting topics and notes.

Now for the good, I thought her style was really interesting. In each chapter she has a focus a clear topic but within that topic she blends a mix of psychology research, statistics, other stories from her own research and online survey, and her own personal experiences in kind of a memoir format that really worked for me honestly. I found this to be really unique and the perfect blend of informational and relatable. Or is not necessarily relatable all the time but narrative enough to keep me engaged. Her topics also were varied and potentially helpful to others: mental illness, addiction, social media, the holidays. I think a lot of people who struggle with sibling relationships could get something out of this book even just in relating to some of the feelings and emotions that she carried and shared. I think the overall messages around conflict resolution and boundary setting were interesting and valuable and could definitely help others.

[Camille · Rating 3 out of 5]

Audio, the narrators are terrible so I'd recommend actually reading this one... it was read so slow that I listened at 1.5-1.75x, when my norm for nonfiction is 1.2-1.4x

I would recommend this book for those who have experienced sibling estrangement in the more distant past. It doesn't really seem helpful for those who have experienced it very recently (i.e., in the last 1-2 yrs).

I actually prefer the memoir piece of this book to the research part. It's authored by a journalist/writer, and that seems pretty clear.

There definitely needs to be more books on this topic, though!

[Zach · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very light book written by a kind hearted woman. It focuses on three main themes: her familial story, stories she collected and general themes of estrangement taken from collected works on the subject. Has a warm feel of a estrangement group. An easy entry to the family estrangement but doesn't really offer concrete path to this complicated difficult situation. And maybe rightly so.

[Ben McCleery · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author's story and experience being estranged and then reconnecting with her brother was very compelling and touching. However the guidance and advice on dealing with estrangement often felt like it prioritized family cohesion over individual happiness and well being, not always but certainly enough that it stuck out to me.

[ATTILIO GIOIA · Rating 3 out of 5]

Didn’t suit my needs

Was disappointed as it read more as an autobiography than a roadmap .
I prefer more pragmatic methodical approach than an narrative approach
But some may prefer the later but I prefer the former.

[STEVE · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fern hit the nail on the head with this book! Honest, caring, compassionate, thoughtful, patient, thorough are some of the characteristics which can be attributed to this book. It is hard enough going through such a situation much less writing about it in a way that exposes issues surrounding such a circumstance while still maintaining love and care for those involved. You can tell she has not only done her homework in research, but also the personal work to be able to share her experience in a helpful, thoughtful manner.
This publication should be on the required reading list of every institution of higher learning that educates lawyers, or anyone who will be involved in the legal profession. And it should be required reading for every state attorney general, county clerk, mediator, judge, third party investigator, adult protection service agent who is involved in the probate system or elderly care system at all levels of local, state and federal agencies. As well, it should be required reading for anyone within any state legislative system, where laws are developed regarding the care of the elderly. And lastly, it should be required reading in every bible college and seminary, no matter the denomination or religious bent. With Fern's research that states one in three people in our culture has been touched by similar circumstances, this means over one million folks in the U.S. are living life with some degree of pain experienced due to this issue. That means our churches, schools, and work places are filled with levels of pain that are hard to imagine! This is incredibly sad. And with the advent of her writing and research, it does not have to be this way.
Fern, thank you for an amazing work and labor of love. It is phenomenal.

[Susan Quinn · Rating 5 out of 5]

Distinguished author Fern Schumer Chapman has shed a light on a not uncommon, but rarely discussed topic of sibling estrangement in her book, “ Brothers, Sisters, Strangers and the Road to Reconciliation. In it, she courageously, honestly and poignantly tells the story of her own estrangement from her brother and how, after years of estrangement, they successfully reconciled. Chapman tackles head-on the issue of sibling estrangement supporting it with research into its prevalence, its causes and its effects that often extend beyond two estranged siblings along with sound advice on how those suffering the pain of sibling estrangement may find their own way to re-establishing a relationship with a sibling with whom they’ve lost connection.
It is a beautifully and poignantly yet unvarnished recounting of two people having the courage to face their lives and the reasons for being disconnected for many years. It is also a book that offers hope to those ( and research supports that there are many) who find themselves living through this unique but very painful experience.

[Erin Hearts · Rating 5 out of 5]

Excellent writing! I loved how the author blended her personal story about her brother and her estrangement with factual information and short accounts from other estranged siblings.
I have chosen not to spend time with my sister anymore after many, many years of trying various ways of coping with the feelings I am left with after seeing her. It’s such a grieving process to let go of the hope of a better relationship with a family member. I’ve also felt very guilty, as if it’s my fault this relationship doesn’t work for me.
This book reinforces the truth that relationships are a two-way street. If both participants don’t want to open up and try hard to understand each other, reconciliation is just not possible. Or, at least, a deeper relationship is not possible. I’m not interested in the facade of having a sister; it’s too painful for me. I’m only interested in true connection.

[Kathy Stevenson · Rating 5 out of 5]

As the oldest of seven siblings, I am always looking for stories, both fiction and nonfiction, that explore sibling relationships. Author Fern Schumer Chapman's new memoir tells a story that is rooted, as many family stories are, in secrets and estrangement. As an adult with her own family of grown children, Fern examines her relationship with her only sibling - a brother - and we, the reader, along with Fern, learn how her past informs her present. Rather than being a passive examination of sibling relationships, Fern offers a deeply personal story grounded in her - and others' - research. By the end of the book I was rooting for Fern and her brother and their families, and deeply moved by their story.

[Mary · Rating 3 out of 5]

The author had rocky relationships with her parents--both Holocaust survivors and wounded people. Her brother's relationship with them drove him away. This has always bothered Fern. She did some research on family estrangement and shares that. She also shares the story of her brother, who, when all of their children were adults, contacting her and allowing her to offer him some help. Everybody is different, but their relationships can be very delicate and the Schumers share their process.
Two quotes struck me--
Dr. Mark Sichel: "The 'family myth' is the presumption that every family member is compatible, possesses the same goals, and loves one another.
Dr. Lerner: When we cut off a close family member, that person becomes an even bigger presence inside us.

[Denise Ahl · Rating 5 out of 5]

A really great book about the heartbreak of sibling estrangement, including emotional estrangement. It also talks about how to re-connect, when to let go, and if a limited connection may be the best choice. Walks us through the author’s long estrangement with her brother and the impact of that on her life and lives of her family and other relationships. Also walks us through their ultimate difficult re-connection. Fascinating to hear about the most common reasons behind estrangements, the frequency of them, and the shame connected to not being close to your siblings. Of note, it talks about how difficult holidays are for estranged families and also how estrangement is generational.

[Janilyn Kocher · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read Chapman’s book woh great interest. I have two siblings of my own. We are not estranged but family relations take work. I was interested in reading the author’s story with her brother. I skimmed the research and analysis parts, but did read the examples from the author’s survey. While Chapman was able to reconnect with her brother, sadly the reality is some bonds can never be reattached. This book is a wake up call for siblings who are estranged to ask is it worth pursuing? Thanks to Viking and Edelweiss for the advance read.

[Lisireads · Rating 4 out of 5]

As an only child dating someone estranged from his siblings, I found this book really helpful in understanding sibling dynamics and why estrangement occurs. My partner, who is like Scott, the author's brother, is purposefully estranged from his family. I would have liked to hear a little more from the perspective of the people who choose to go no contact and what reasons that might be (favoritism, abuse, loyalty to an abusive parent). Regardless of the rather one-sided perspective, it was well-written and one of the best books on estrangement that I've read.

[Lauren · Rating 5 out of 5]

wonderful read. I am estranged from all 3 of my siblings and have largely felt isolated and rarely felt understood about why sibling estrangement is so painful and omnipresent. For the first time in my estrangement, I felt comforted and most importantly, no longer alone <3
10/10 recommend.

some quotes that stood out to me:

"estrangement can be one of the cruelest forms of power and control"

"the opposite of estrangement is not reconciliation. the opposite of estrangement is peace"

"unfortunately, I am part of a past that he just wants to forget"

[Susan · Rating 5 out of 5]

Good but niche topic within the larger topic of estrangement. Personal vignette throughout the book makes it easier to read.

Some key take-aways:
- Opposite of estrangement is not reconciliation, but finding peace
- Estrangement is caused not by not caring enough about the relationship, but by intense love
- Estrangement is caused when a person has difficulties individuating themselves from the family unit leading to black and white behavior of enmeshment vs estrangement
- It is common for estranged people to commonly think about those whom they have become estranged with
- Book offers various outcomes of estrangement including finding peace remaining estranged as relationship worsens with contact, full proper reconciliation by discussing past issues, vs keeping relationship more superficial. No right or wrong answer of which path to pursue.
- The reconciled relationship that develops after estrangement needs to be treated as a new relationship

[Katie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I recently stumbled upon this book and was intrigued to read it as the author herself mentions: this is an incredibly understudied family of origin issue that can carry just as much sadness, confusion, anger, grief, and feelings of disconnection as adult children estranged from a parent. It can also feel deeply shaming and lonely for people to talk about openly due to the taboo of not abandoning one's family.

While this book was largely a memoir of the author's own estranged relationship with her brother, helpful clinical data about the subject matter is mixed in.

I found the "Risk Factors for Estrangement" section particularly helpful and illuminating:
1. Poor Communication
2. Parental Favoritism and Sibling Jealousy
3. Family Values, Judgments, and Choices
4. Politics
5. Money
6. Inheritance and Elderly Care
7. Alcoholism, Addictions, and Other Mental Health Issues (particularly narcissistic family systems)

Highly recommend this book if you are trying to make sense of hurtful, confusing, or unhealthy dynamics you're experiencing with your sibling and family of origin (FOO).

[SB · Rating 5 out of 5]

A book like no other. If you have or are experiencing estrangement from a sibling then i cant recommend this book more. In a very complicated world of emotions this book has allowed me to understand my experience and realise i'm not alone. I'm now ready to do whatever i truly need to move forward in a healthy way, no more brushing it under the carpet and hiding from my reality.

[Cass · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must read for anyone going through and struggling with a sibling estrangement.
Fern courageously takes us through her own experience with her brother.
Along the way we hear many other stories of estrangement from many other voices.
This book has helped me feel less alone in my own case of sibling estrangement.

[Carolyn Hammack · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book added a new perspective about going no contact with my brother. While it didn't change my mind about my decision, it did give insight as to why my brother behaves the way he does. It's only been a year of no contact, so maybe I'm not ready to heal.

[Nina Makhija · Rating 5 out of 5]

I think this book is a great comfort on a very painful subject. There are tons of case stories gathered here so it definitely highlights how common it is. and how painful it can be to be estranged from a sibling. Sending love to people experiencing this.

[Deb Lancaster · Rating 3 out of 5]

Too much memoir and not enough advice or recognition of my own situation. it's well written and a story I'm sure others are interested in. the data and insight into sibling estrangement was what I wanted and while there was some, it wasn't enough. definitely some moments of useful insight