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Not Okay
Alone, scarred, ill-equipped, sometimes brash, Peter Wilson searches for healing from child sexual abuse and mental illness in the 1980's. With the resources at his disposal inadequate, he turns to the pop psychology self help book, I'm OK You're OK, wisecracks, and a little bit of murder.
312 pages, Hardcover
Published August 29, 2020
8 people are currently reading
3107 people want to read
About the author
Brett Axel
9 books61 followersBrett Axel's poetry, fiction, and book reviews have appeared in over 100 literary journals and magazines.
He has three collections of poetry in print, edited the poetry anthology Will Work For Peace, and two children's books, Goblinheart: a Fairy Tale and the upcoming Friendship of Millicent and Tandy.
He has three collections of poetry in print, edited the poetry anthology Will Work For Peace, and two children's books, Goblinheart: a Fairy Tale and the upcoming Friendship of Millicent and Tandy.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews
September 3, 2020
I was thankful to get a paperback advance review copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for a fair review.
Really a powerful book. Funny, dark, and bitingly real. Peter's is a fish taken out of water and then put back into water story. It could be someone who went to school abroad and returned, it could be someone who went to prison and returned, it could be someone who went to sea and returned, but no, instead it is a story that, as far as I know, has never been told before. Someone who was abducted and sexually abused who returns to society so altered that he doesn't even know how to find a place.
He smokes a little weed but he is hardly an addict, he pilfers supplies from this therapy group but he's no hardened criminal. He's kind of dorky, kind of clueless about what is and isn't reasonable to do or say, and shielded only by a unique and slightly twisted sense of humor.
Normal people shy away from him but he makes a few friends from the fringe of humanity and they try to help him as best they can.
As much as he hopes he will find a socially acceptable role in the world, there just isn't one for him. Reluctantly, he relents and becomes the more undesirable person the world expects him to be.
Prepare to cry a little, gasp a little, and laugh a lot.
Really a powerful book. Funny, dark, and bitingly real. Peter's is a fish taken out of water and then put back into water story. It could be someone who went to school abroad and returned, it could be someone who went to prison and returned, it could be someone who went to sea and returned, but no, instead it is a story that, as far as I know, has never been told before. Someone who was abducted and sexually abused who returns to society so altered that he doesn't even know how to find a place.
He smokes a little weed but he is hardly an addict, he pilfers supplies from this therapy group but he's no hardened criminal. He's kind of dorky, kind of clueless about what is and isn't reasonable to do or say, and shielded only by a unique and slightly twisted sense of humor.
Normal people shy away from him but he makes a few friends from the fringe of humanity and they try to help him as best they can.
As much as he hopes he will find a socially acceptable role in the world, there just isn't one for him. Reluctantly, he relents and becomes the more undesirable person the world expects him to be.
Prepare to cry a little, gasp a little, and laugh a lot.
October 16, 2022
Very good, but I was not really connecting with the main character maybe that's why the book didn't make it for me that much. I liked it when he started killing those "monsters", but it was a slow burn it took a while for anything to happen.
January 5, 2022
Brilliant narrative and stream of consciousness. Wasn’t sure the ending would be satisfying but it was in a perfectly imperfect way. I enjoyed the mix of telling the story to the attorney and talking to his only true friend as a sort of confessionals. This was raw and honest and broken and funny and rang true and in a way I wasn’t expecting.
December 28, 2021
Got this book for Christmas and devoured it.
I never really thought about it before, but stories about extraordinary things happening to people, be they good or bad (in this case bad) the people are always larger than life. They stop being people and become as extraordinary as the situations they endure. That isn't how it would really happen and very few novels I have ever read recognize that. Maybe Lord of the Flies. That is what makes this novel stand out. Peter is damaged by his life experiences, but he is still 100% human. He still wants the same things everyone wants. To be liked, to be normal, to have toilet paper every time he takes a poop.
I never really thought about it before, but stories about extraordinary things happening to people, be they good or bad (in this case bad) the people are always larger than life. They stop being people and become as extraordinary as the situations they endure. That isn't how it would really happen and very few novels I have ever read recognize that. Maybe Lord of the Flies. That is what makes this novel stand out. Peter is damaged by his life experiences, but he is still 100% human. He still wants the same things everyone wants. To be liked, to be normal, to have toilet paper every time he takes a poop.
December 21, 2021
Twisted, Darkly funny, disturbing, demented book that is especially chilling because it is so real.
August 24, 2020
‘I’m not OK. Uncle Will was not OK. The only reason I think the frozen lemonade girl is OK is because I don’t know her. No one is actually OK.’
Peter, the articulate, troubled narrator of Brett Axel’s novel Not Okay, reconsiders and rejects popular 1970s self-help advice while figuring out his own way to recover from child sexual abuse. The strongest part of this title is his voice, how he reasons everything out to himself in full sentences, upfront about his trauma and his shortcomings. He’s got the nonchalance of a survivor who knows he can’t be upset about what happened all the time if he’s going to function, but who knows how to navigate systems to attempt to access the help he needs by letting on about some of his past at opportune moments.
The darkly humorous construct of this book is that the narrator, who survives a truly horrific experience, only has self-help platitudes designed for people with smaller, ‘regular’ problems for guidance. That’s a valid critique even today of some aspects of ‘wellness culture’ that haven’t caught up with the issues facing modern society. I remember wondering, after the police murder of George Floyd, how as a white woman I could be ‘okay’ and ‘enough’ and ‘confident enough to not apologize for taking up space’ while simultaneously holding myself accountable to confront my role in violent and oppressive systems.
We see Peter evolve as a character as he figures out that women he dates, and his female partner, have minds and traumas of their own, and how to have more equal relationships. In one memorable scene, he realizes that if he can handle revenge, he can most likely handle cleaning the apartment. Later on, he struggles with moral questions of how to treat abusers who are genuinely sorry and with the unreliability of memory and his own fallibility.
The plot moves along quickly enough, and I was surprised at times that characters who broke the law could escape detection for so long, but then remembered that it was the 1980s before we had such advanced surveillance technologies.
The setting gave a good sense of NYC/upstate NY/New Jersey in the 1980s, showing our country and all its little quirks and imperfections, such as the ‘F’ in ‘Freedom’ bursting after the rest of the word in a Fourth of July fireworks display. We see the benefits and pitfalls of mental health care, parking and driving in a big city, first jobs and first loves, and making your own sense in a world that offers little direction.
Overall, a heartfelt and thought-provoking read.
Peter, the articulate, troubled narrator of Brett Axel’s novel Not Okay, reconsiders and rejects popular 1970s self-help advice while figuring out his own way to recover from child sexual abuse. The strongest part of this title is his voice, how he reasons everything out to himself in full sentences, upfront about his trauma and his shortcomings. He’s got the nonchalance of a survivor who knows he can’t be upset about what happened all the time if he’s going to function, but who knows how to navigate systems to attempt to access the help he needs by letting on about some of his past at opportune moments.
The darkly humorous construct of this book is that the narrator, who survives a truly horrific experience, only has self-help platitudes designed for people with smaller, ‘regular’ problems for guidance. That’s a valid critique even today of some aspects of ‘wellness culture’ that haven’t caught up with the issues facing modern society. I remember wondering, after the police murder of George Floyd, how as a white woman I could be ‘okay’ and ‘enough’ and ‘confident enough to not apologize for taking up space’ while simultaneously holding myself accountable to confront my role in violent and oppressive systems.
We see Peter evolve as a character as he figures out that women he dates, and his female partner, have minds and traumas of their own, and how to have more equal relationships. In one memorable scene, he realizes that if he can handle revenge, he can most likely handle cleaning the apartment. Later on, he struggles with moral questions of how to treat abusers who are genuinely sorry and with the unreliability of memory and his own fallibility.
The plot moves along quickly enough, and I was surprised at times that characters who broke the law could escape detection for so long, but then remembered that it was the 1980s before we had such advanced surveillance technologies.
The setting gave a good sense of NYC/upstate NY/New Jersey in the 1980s, showing our country and all its little quirks and imperfections, such as the ‘F’ in ‘Freedom’ bursting after the rest of the word in a Fourth of July fireworks display. We see the benefits and pitfalls of mental health care, parking and driving in a big city, first jobs and first loves, and making your own sense in a world that offers little direction.
Overall, a heartfelt and thought-provoking read.
August 19, 2021
Peter Wilson talks about cock sucking and jerking off as matter of factly as someone might order lunch. At first blush you might think he is crude, but he is oblivious. He just never learned anything else. He's actually too innocent to even understand that his language offends people's sensibilities.
He struggles to grasp right or wrong, proper and improper, abnormal and the all illusive normal, which is a dream just out of reach for him. If he can't be a normal human being, he's going to try his hand at being a serial killer. But he won't be a normal serial killer either.
Once his mission is clear, you don't even care if he is right or wrong or crazy or sane or proper or improper, you just want to get behind his goal of stalking and killing pedophiles.
When I heard the were filming Not Okay in NYC right now I got giddy. I was so thrilled they were making this incredible, gutsy novel into a movie. But reading about the movie, it sounds like they are not sticking strictly to the novel, which is a real shame. The book deserves to be brought to the screen with all its intensity, not watered down.
Fingers crossed. I hope they do justice to the movie.
He struggles to grasp right or wrong, proper and improper, abnormal and the all illusive normal, which is a dream just out of reach for him. If he can't be a normal human being, he's going to try his hand at being a serial killer. But he won't be a normal serial killer either.
Once his mission is clear, you don't even care if he is right or wrong or crazy or sane or proper or improper, you just want to get behind his goal of stalking and killing pedophiles.
When I heard the were filming Not Okay in NYC right now I got giddy. I was so thrilled they were making this incredible, gutsy novel into a movie. But reading about the movie, it sounds like they are not sticking strictly to the novel, which is a real shame. The book deserves to be brought to the screen with all its intensity, not watered down.
Fingers crossed. I hope they do justice to the movie.
March 17, 2021
I am so glad I kept reading!
The first chapter was weird. Peter Narrates his own story and he is batshit crazy so what he experiences is filtered through his twisted mind and its a little hard to sort out what is actually going on. If the whole book were like this it would get tedious.
But it isn't. The longer Peter has time to process experiences, the better a grip he has on them. When he is talking about things that happened a long time ago he has clarity. Its only the present day that is still twisted up in his head and that is not much of the story.
At the end of the 3rd chapter I had another reason to consider stopping. It was gross. Peter has gone through trauma to become the fucked up guy he is now and we get a front row seat to it. Its graphic, its awful, and its really hard to experience even as words on a page.
I did keep reading though and that was the worst of the sickness. Not Okay isn't about the trauma itself, its about the aftermath. There's just enough of it in the beginning so you know what it was that made Peter the way he is.
Not Okay is about how the world deals with wounded people, how wounded people deal with the world, and how difficult it is to heal from childhood trauma no matter how you try. Peter tries before he gives in to what society expects of him and its pretty tragic.
But the book is also funny. Dark, gallows humor that reminds me of the surgeons on M*A*S*H cracking jokes when war and death is all around them.
About halfway through the book it dawned on me that this was something important. No book has ever taken joking as seriously as this, has zeroed in on what horrible trauma drives a person to use humor like a drug to survive a heartless, cold world.
The first chapter was weird. Peter Narrates his own story and he is batshit crazy so what he experiences is filtered through his twisted mind and its a little hard to sort out what is actually going on. If the whole book were like this it would get tedious.
But it isn't. The longer Peter has time to process experiences, the better a grip he has on them. When he is talking about things that happened a long time ago he has clarity. Its only the present day that is still twisted up in his head and that is not much of the story.
At the end of the 3rd chapter I had another reason to consider stopping. It was gross. Peter has gone through trauma to become the fucked up guy he is now and we get a front row seat to it. Its graphic, its awful, and its really hard to experience even as words on a page.
I did keep reading though and that was the worst of the sickness. Not Okay isn't about the trauma itself, its about the aftermath. There's just enough of it in the beginning so you know what it was that made Peter the way he is.
Not Okay is about how the world deals with wounded people, how wounded people deal with the world, and how difficult it is to heal from childhood trauma no matter how you try. Peter tries before he gives in to what society expects of him and its pretty tragic.
But the book is also funny. Dark, gallows humor that reminds me of the surgeons on M*A*S*H cracking jokes when war and death is all around them.
About halfway through the book it dawned on me that this was something important. No book has ever taken joking as seriously as this, has zeroed in on what horrible trauma drives a person to use humor like a drug to survive a heartless, cold world.
May 11, 2021
A gripping book. Pretty intense in parts, funny as hell in others. This is one of those novels that is life changing. That you read and are just never the same person after.
Peter Wilson is a bit off his rocker, but when you consider all he went through as a kid you have to understand. Still, at 18 years old he is trying to navigate through the world, hold a job, take care of himself, date, and pass for normal.
Its no easy task. His past forever influences his future. To his detriment, he reads and re-reads a self help book called I'm OK, You're OK, and thinks, if he can just apply the principles in that book to his life, he will one day be OK.
OK is not in the cards for him. He is far better off when he embraces not being OK, and decides he is going to become a vigilante who hunts and kills pedophiles. He might not be good at it, but he comes to see it as a calling and he's going to give it his best try.
Peter Wilson is a bit off his rocker, but when you consider all he went through as a kid you have to understand. Still, at 18 years old he is trying to navigate through the world, hold a job, take care of himself, date, and pass for normal.
Its no easy task. His past forever influences his future. To his detriment, he reads and re-reads a self help book called I'm OK, You're OK, and thinks, if he can just apply the principles in that book to his life, he will one day be OK.
OK is not in the cards for him. He is far better off when he embraces not being OK, and decides he is going to become a vigilante who hunts and kills pedophiles. He might not be good at it, but he comes to see it as a calling and he's going to give it his best try.
April 19, 2021
A twisted book if ever there was one. Might have a little PTSD just from reading it. Pete lived through a horrific childhood and now just wants to find a way to be normal, but normal is not in the cards. The world does not make allowances for people who have been so mentally injured as his is and certainly doesn't give them room to come to terms.
This book does an amazing job at bringing you there, letting you experience life as this injured young man does. His efforts are great but its just no use. the only role available for someone so damaged it as a villain. He is a villain, but he is also a good guy inside.
Its rare to find a book so full of drama, thrills, and dark comedy. I put this book in the same category with American Psycho, A Clockwork Orange and Fight Club, only more human and more relatable.
This book does an amazing job at bringing you there, letting you experience life as this injured young man does. His efforts are great but its just no use. the only role available for someone so damaged it as a villain. He is a villain, but he is also a good guy inside.
Its rare to find a book so full of drama, thrills, and dark comedy. I put this book in the same category with American Psycho, A Clockwork Orange and Fight Club, only more human and more relatable.
December 20, 2025
Brett Axel does a very convincing job portraying a traumatized vigilante who battles his inner demons while slaughtering the outer ones. His quest for a life purpose, the revenge driven storyline and a long list of 999+ mental issues trigger a wide spectrum of emotions - from sincere compassion to pure disgust. And that makes him feel disturbingly real.
I really liked that there was no attempt to romanticize the character. He’s difficult to judge, but ugly in far too many ways to be comfortably admired.
The book’s moral ambiguity around good and evil and a little pinch of trauma porn add an another rich layer to the story.
Overall, it was an unexpected find that turned out to be a very solid read.
I really liked that there was no attempt to romanticize the character. He’s difficult to judge, but ugly in far too many ways to be comfortably admired.
The book’s moral ambiguity around good and evil and a little pinch of trauma porn add an another rich layer to the story.
Overall, it was an unexpected find that turned out to be a very solid read.
March 21, 2021
This is a book like no other, and I easily give it five stars. That said, it does contain graphic descriptions of sexual abuse and violence.
Our narrator is an 18 yo who has been held captive by his abuser for six years. He find a book to read, ��I’m OK, You’re OK,” which he uses to help him make sense of his own situation and of the world around him.
But our narrator is anything but OK and through the book we learn just how damaged he is.
The book was unsettling (to say the least) but also at turns funny and insightful as the narrator experiences his life out from under the thumb of a sexual predator. You will also cry at what could have been for this boy.
Our narrator is an 18 yo who has been held captive by his abuser for six years. He find a book to read, ��I’m OK, You’re OK,” which he uses to help him make sense of his own situation and of the world around him.
But our narrator is anything but OK and through the book we learn just how damaged he is.
The book was unsettling (to say the least) but also at turns funny and insightful as the narrator experiences his life out from under the thumb of a sexual predator. You will also cry at what could have been for this boy.
August 7, 2021
Maybe the best way to explain Peter Wilson is to tell you what he is not. He is not evil like Alex DeLarge. He is not moral like Dexter Morgan. He is not sophisticated like Patrick Bateman. If you know who these characters are I guarantee you will like this novel, but there is something else Peter is not and that is competent and that is what makes this novel stand out. In real life, emotionally damaged people are not magically skilled at murder. He wants to be a killer for the best of reasons but he has trouble with easier things than that. Not Okay is twisted, demented, sick, and morbidly funny.
March 4, 2022
Couldn't wait to get back to this each time I had to put it down. There are some difficult-to-read passages around pedophilia, so be warned if easily triggered. I know I was, but was compelled to read to the end once I started. I liked how the novel read as a story being told from Peter's POV. This really worked, letting readers inside his mind for better understanding of what he was going through. Raw and raunchy, but so honest and many bits of comic relief (which didn't feel funny to me, since overall, this is a terrifying story--but it worked to break the tension a bit.) I'll be thinking about this story for a long time.
March 13, 2022
What makes it for me is the narrator. He's got a Holden Cauffield-esque vibe that works with the piece and makes it a good read. Very stream of consciousness, very interesting thought patterns.
I will say the subject matter: child abuse, pedophilia, and murder do make the book sometimes a tough read.
That being said, it is a good one. Heartbreaking at times and strangely intriguing at other points, it's a thematic piece that takes place in a world of monsters and how they exist. If that interests you, look no further.
I will say the subject matter: child abuse, pedophilia, and murder do make the book sometimes a tough read.
That being said, it is a good one. Heartbreaking at times and strangely intriguing at other points, it's a thematic piece that takes place in a world of monsters and how they exist. If that interests you, look no further.
July 6, 2022
Can't get over how brilliantly the main character was developed. This novel is so good in so many ways. It has the same horrific feelings as Lolita, but from another POV, so we get to root for the MC and for justice. I read this over the course of a few weeks, and when I didn't have time to read for several days, I was thinking to myself, I wonder how Peter is doing, I wonder what he'll do next. It all feels so tragically real.
March 23, 2021
Dark and disturbingly funny. Peter Wilson is a survivor of abduction, rape, and sex trafficking. He is free now, but the damage done to him stays with him. He survives by his own cunning, a distorted moral code, and a morbid sense of humor.
Be warned, there is graphic sex, violence, and abuse in this book as well as some grisly murder. It will be too much for sensitive readers.
Be warned, there is graphic sex, violence, and abuse in this book as well as some grisly murder. It will be too much for sensitive readers.
July 7, 2021
Gut wrenching story. Twisted and so realistic. It is easy to believe that everything that happens in this book could really happen, which is in itself, what makes the horror of it so horrific. It had a creepy, morbid sense of humor that leaves you unsure if you should laugh or cry. I feel like reading this book changed me for ever.
January 4, 2022
Well, I was gripped by this book despite the crass material. I guess when you write a story about the victim of child abuse who then turns to self help psychology to rationalize his descent into murder, you're gonna get some of that. Tragic and disgusting and very sad. The book could have used a good copy edit.
March 8, 2021
Powerful book. It made me cry in a few places. I thought some of the humor in it was, while funny, not appropriate for the seriousness of the subject matter. I cheered for Pete and loved it when he killed the bad guys.
January 5, 2024
A very interesting an quick read. The story is often graphic and dark due to the topics discussed throughout the story, but the tone often quickly changes following these heavy moments. All-in-all, a compelling story despite the writing falling flat for me at times.
September 11, 2020
Best book I've read this year
October 1, 2020
Excellent read. Passing it on to a friend. Would read again.
March 3, 2021
There were so many typos in the kindle version that it totally ruined the book for me. I made sure that it wasn’t just the ‘style’ of writing. There were about 20 typos in a rather short book.
April 10, 2021
This might have been a great book but I'll never know as I DNF'ed. Too many typos and words left out. Needs a better editor.
April 30, 2021
Our upcoming summer 2021 selection. We will post our opinions of it after we have read it and discussed it.
September 1, 2020
The first few chapters were emotionally difficult to read. Peter Wilson went through hell and takes you with him. There's usually a disconnect between the suffering of characters in a book and the reader, but Peter narrates his story and lets you know every thought he has along the way. It does get more fun to read as it goes on. The character develops a morose sense of humor that acts as a shield between him and the harshness of the world around him. But as an adult, those defenses become less of an asset and lead him to make some pretty bad decisions. There are no heroes in this book. No good guys, just bad guys and survivors doing the best they can with what they know.
September 4, 2020
Holy shit. The end blew me away. Its really a heavy book that punches you right in the face, but its funny too. One of the most demented books I have ever read.
What turns a human being into a killer? In this case it is a crazy person's slow ascent into sanity.
What turns a human being into a killer? In this case it is a crazy person's slow ascent into sanity.
February 3, 2021
About an 18 year old in the 1980's on his own in the city after escaping a pedophile that kept him and used him for 6 years. He's damaged, the world is a mystery, and he is trying to find normal using a pop psychology self help book called, I'm OK You're OK. It isn't working very well. He is a far cry from OK and the people in his life are from the underbelly of humanity. Some are well meaning, but none are OK.
What is most striking about this book is how the people and the situations ring true. Its fiction but you wouldn't know it to read it. This book is full of the realness that novels leave out or skip over. After reading this book it was like I knew the people in it personally.
What is most striking about this book is how the people and the situations ring true. Its fiction but you wouldn't know it to read it. This book is full of the realness that novels leave out or skip over. After reading this book it was like I knew the people in it personally.
January 5, 2023
Finished this book in less than 24 hours. I didn’t struggle at all reading this book. Such a great read. It’s fucked up, raw and yet funny. I know the main character isn’t a “good guy” but I liked hearing his story
Displaying 1 - 30 of 30 reviews