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An Ordinary Age: Finding Your Way in a World That Expects Exceptional – Young Adults, Social Media, Mental Health, and Connection
In conversation with young adults and experts alike, journalist Rainesford Stauffer explores how the incessant pursuit of a “best life” has put extraordinary pressure on young adults today, across their personal and professional lives—and how ordinary, meaningful experiences may instead be the foundation of a fulfilled and contented life.
Young adulthood: the time of our lives when, theoretically, anything can happen, and the pressure is on to make sure everything does. Social media has long been the scapegoat for a generation of unhappy young people, but perhaps the forces working beneath us—wage stagnation, student debt, perfectionism, and inflated costs of living—have a larger, more detrimental impact on the world we post to our feeds.
An Ordinary Age puts young adults at the center as Rainesford Stauffer examines our obsessive need to live and post our #bestlife, and the culture that has defined that life on narrow, and often unattainable, terms. From the now required slate of (often unpaid) internships, to the loneliness epidemic, to the stress of "finding yourself" through school, work, and hobbies—the world is demanding more of young people these days than ever before. And worse, it’s leaving little room for young people to ask the big questions about who they want to be, and what makes a life feel meaningful.
Perhaps we’re losing sight of the things that fulfill us: strong relationships, real roots in a community, and the ability to question how we want our lives to look and feel, even when that’s different from what we see on the ‘Gram. Stauffer makes the case that many of our most formative young adult moments are the ordinary ones: finding our people and sticking with them, learning to care for ourselves on our own terms, and figuring out who we are when the other stuff—the GPAs, job titles, the filters—fall away.
Young adulthood: the time of our lives when, theoretically, anything can happen, and the pressure is on to make sure everything does. Social media has long been the scapegoat for a generation of unhappy young people, but perhaps the forces working beneath us—wage stagnation, student debt, perfectionism, and inflated costs of living—have a larger, more detrimental impact on the world we post to our feeds.
An Ordinary Age puts young adults at the center as Rainesford Stauffer examines our obsessive need to live and post our #bestlife, and the culture that has defined that life on narrow, and often unattainable, terms. From the now required slate of (often unpaid) internships, to the loneliness epidemic, to the stress of "finding yourself" through school, work, and hobbies—the world is demanding more of young people these days than ever before. And worse, it’s leaving little room for young people to ask the big questions about who they want to be, and what makes a life feel meaningful.
Perhaps we’re losing sight of the things that fulfill us: strong relationships, real roots in a community, and the ability to question how we want our lives to look and feel, even when that’s different from what we see on the ‘Gram. Stauffer makes the case that many of our most formative young adult moments are the ordinary ones: finding our people and sticking with them, learning to care for ourselves on our own terms, and figuring out who we are when the other stuff—the GPAs, job titles, the filters—fall away.
288 pages, Paperback
First published May 4, 2021
158 people are currently reading
5319 people want to read
About the author
Rainesford Stauffer
2 books78 followersRainesford Stauffer is an author, journalist, and Kentuckian. She's the Work in Progress columnist for Teen Vogue, and wrote a column for Catapult, Gold Stars. Her work has also appeared in The New York Times, Scalawag, DAME Magazine, Vox, and other publications. She is the author of An Ordinary Age, and is a 2022-2023 Rosalynn Carter Fellow for Mental Health Journalism.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 148 reviews
March 10, 2021
This book is an antithesis to the ~Girlboss~ manifestos that bombard blogs and Instagram. It fills a niche in the market and on library shelves for young adults who have skipped or graduated from college and feel aimless, purposeless, and unsupported. It felt redundant for me but I think for a reader in the thick of job searching, moving to a new city, and feeling social pressure on social media, the redundancy would normalize those feelings for them, resulting in a helpful book.
It would be a great read (or gift) for any young/emerging adult who is having a difficult time finding a job, managing relationships, maintaining mental and physical health, dating, and finding purpose in their twenties.
It would be a great read (or gift) for any young/emerging adult who is having a difficult time finding a job, managing relationships, maintaining mental and physical health, dating, and finding purpose in their twenties.
May 25, 2021
I may need to reread this. How can a book say so much and yet also nothing at the same time? I was hopeful since Anne Helen Peterson recommended/blurbed this, but I didn't find it as insightful as I'd hoped. It was a meandering journey of pointing out ways that society expects so much of us. Yes, great, except I didn't feel this sense of recognition that I do when I read Peterson's writing, which I find so comforting when she is able to put words to some phenomenon that I didn't have words for yet.
May 3, 2021
How are you living your best life?
An Ordinary Age
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“If you’re constantly trying to change yourself or better yourself, it leaves little room to actually get to know yourself at all—to recognize that goodness and worthiness don’t find you after you’ve fixed yourself first.”
Thank you @harperperennial for a #gifted copy #OliveInfluencer
This STELLAR book examines our incessant pursuits of a “best life” and want the ordinary moments in between might have to offer instead. It thoroughly dives deep into issues every young adult faces, providing a unique perspective into each one. I resonated with each chapter, and I loved that it was written through the lens of the pandemic as well, while including the new struggles a pandemic creates for young people.
She focuses on the importance of loving who you are, instead of the best self we share on social media. I took a lot of comfort in what she wrote about, including about work, self-care, and adult-hood. I read this book at the perfect time in my own journey of navigating my way through being an adult.
If you’re between the ages of 16 and 40, you should read this. You’ll definitely relate to parts of it, if not the whole thing.
An Ordinary Age
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️
“If you’re constantly trying to change yourself or better yourself, it leaves little room to actually get to know yourself at all—to recognize that goodness and worthiness don’t find you after you’ve fixed yourself first.”
Thank you @harperperennial for a #gifted copy #OliveInfluencer
This STELLAR book examines our incessant pursuits of a “best life” and want the ordinary moments in between might have to offer instead. It thoroughly dives deep into issues every young adult faces, providing a unique perspective into each one. I resonated with each chapter, and I loved that it was written through the lens of the pandemic as well, while including the new struggles a pandemic creates for young people.
She focuses on the importance of loving who you are, instead of the best self we share on social media. I took a lot of comfort in what she wrote about, including about work, self-care, and adult-hood. I read this book at the perfect time in my own journey of navigating my way through being an adult.
If you’re between the ages of 16 and 40, you should read this. You’ll definitely relate to parts of it, if not the whole thing.
July 30, 2021
I may need to reread this. It was so poorly edited that it was hard to read.
There isn't much content in any chapter beyond what the title of the chapter tells in the contents page. I kept reading through hoping I could learn something as the title says I would be able to "find my way in a world that expects the exceptional".
There were many explanations on how the world expected exceptional things from, that how it is okay to not be okay and that it was not meant to go as per plan. Yes I relate which is why I am reading this, so how do I survive in the world that is going faster than I am?
Maybe I may have missed the message in the slurry of words due to poor editing. Or maybe no message was meant to be there.
There isn't much content in any chapter beyond what the title of the chapter tells in the contents page. I kept reading through hoping I could learn something as the title says I would be able to "find my way in a world that expects the exceptional".
There were many explanations on how the world expected exceptional things from, that how it is okay to not be okay and that it was not meant to go as per plan. Yes I relate which is why I am reading this, so how do I survive in the world that is going faster than I am?
Maybe I may have missed the message in the slurry of words due to poor editing. Or maybe no message was meant to be there.
February 2, 2022
A mixed bag. The writing includes a combination of social studies and personal interviews. Published in 2021, she also mentions some post-Covid effects. It's not academic, not thorough, and by no means groundbreaking. Stauffer is clearly into critical race theory and the socialist-leaning left. Any kind of systematic (systemic?) oppression you can think of, plus capitalism, she blames.
But at the same time, she has insightful things to say about expectations for Millenials and Gen-Zers. Stauffer describes how many young people don't have older family members or social groups to fall back on in times of financial trouble. At the same time, society pressures young people into jobs, moves, experiences, and spending, all to fulfill the cliche expectations of what it means to be an "adult." She discusses religion, romantic relationships, self-care, college, and loneliness.
I am all for the "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" attitude (which Stauffer seems to think is totally bogus). But I also don't think we should be isolated individuals with no social safety net either (be that government or private). Stauffer talks about the way our society is very individualistic, and people have a difficult time dealing with and searching for family and social units. I would argue that our social fabric has disintegrated because we no longer have similar religious values to rally around. Stauffer perceptively notices the way young people are searching for purpose, meaning, identity, and some kind of social fabric outside of work. But she doesn't get to the "why" behind it all.
Good discussions, but clearly biased and not deep enough.
But at the same time, she has insightful things to say about expectations for Millenials and Gen-Zers. Stauffer describes how many young people don't have older family members or social groups to fall back on in times of financial trouble. At the same time, society pressures young people into jobs, moves, experiences, and spending, all to fulfill the cliche expectations of what it means to be an "adult." She discusses religion, romantic relationships, self-care, college, and loneliness.
I am all for the "pull yourself up by your own bootstraps" attitude (which Stauffer seems to think is totally bogus). But I also don't think we should be isolated individuals with no social safety net either (be that government or private). Stauffer talks about the way our society is very individualistic, and people have a difficult time dealing with and searching for family and social units. I would argue that our social fabric has disintegrated because we no longer have similar religious values to rally around. Stauffer perceptively notices the way young people are searching for purpose, meaning, identity, and some kind of social fabric outside of work. But she doesn't get to the "why" behind it all.
Good discussions, but clearly biased and not deep enough.
July 6, 2021
Love love LOVED this 10/10 recommend!!
April 27, 2021
An Ordinary Age is a book of essays that centers on emerging and young adulthood and mostly applies to Gen Z, but as a Millennial in my late 30’s I found plenty of this relatable. The chapters on perfectionism and self-care resonated with me the most.
Rainesford Stauffer examines a variety of topics that impact young adults, and she is very inclusive of race, religion/spirituality, ethnicity, and LGBTQ+ people. Much of the book is also written through the lens of life during the current pandemic, and I truly appreciated how she incorporated the impact on young adults.
I highly recommend this book to adults especially Gen Z and Millenials. In a society that pressures people to hustle, to push themselves to the point of breaking while simultaneously pressuring them also to take time (and spend money) for self-care, Stauffer’s essays are a different take. Her book focuses on the importance of appreciating the ordinary and loving who we actually are - not the best or “perfect” self we share on social media.
Thank you to Harper Perennial for the gifted paperback copy. This is my honest review.
Rainesford Stauffer examines a variety of topics that impact young adults, and she is very inclusive of race, religion/spirituality, ethnicity, and LGBTQ+ people. Much of the book is also written through the lens of life during the current pandemic, and I truly appreciated how she incorporated the impact on young adults.
I highly recommend this book to adults especially Gen Z and Millenials. In a society that pressures people to hustle, to push themselves to the point of breaking while simultaneously pressuring them also to take time (and spend money) for self-care, Stauffer’s essays are a different take. Her book focuses on the importance of appreciating the ordinary and loving who we actually are - not the best or “perfect” self we share on social media.
Thank you to Harper Perennial for the gifted paperback copy. This is my honest review.
February 9, 2021
Rainesford Stauffer is one of the foremost journalists covering issues that matter to young people. If you are not familiar with her work, I recommend you search for her past articles or follow her on Twitter. "An Ordinary Age" takes her reporting to another level. The book serves as a guide for emerging adults (and their parents) to the many systemic issues that impact young people as they try to find their place in the world. It explores everything from college and work to dating and self-care. In reading this book, you will find that your struggles are not singular and take comfort in the community of voices that are gathered in the book. This is the perfect read for anyone trying to navigate the many challenges of early adulthood.
January 11, 2022
storygraph | instagram
did i learn anything? no.
did it still send me spiraling? absolutely.
did i learn anything? no.
did it still send me spiraling? absolutely.
June 12, 2021
A dear friend recommended this to me and I'll be passing it onto many others. I gobbled up this insightful perspective on being a young person with all that's goin' on. Very reassuring to have so much of your own experiences and of those around you reflected back to you on paper.
Stauffer untangles messy popular expectations of youth, advocating for contentment and well-being over ceaseless self-improvement and striving. Like any good Atlantic take on modernity meets millennials, she addresses a host of environmental factors making young adulthood far more complicated than necessary, with a nod to the effects of the pandemic. She adds in a host of personal anecdotes that make you feel like you're talking with a close friend who wants you to avoid the heartaches they've experienced. Supplemented by a host of interviews from folks of all backgrounds and identities, she arrives at in-depth critiques of unrealistic social standards. The American individualism at the center of our woes — manifested through the mindsets that dictate our choices and deprive us of connection — can be mitigated through embracing community, relationships and the mundane. Extraordinary is overrated, seldom achievable and harmful to ceaselessly pursue.
"When we put so much emphasis on individuality and setting ourselves apart, we also set ourselves up to be quite lonely. When the hierarchy is flat... where we don't have to scratch and maintain our elevated place, we allow ourselves to be part of the community instead."
Within this larger critique, she flips the script on the traditional narrative ascribed to "your 20s" as a time of grand exploration, experimentation, adventure and so on. Novelty has its place, but what most of her interviewees found most alluring related to steadiness, meaning, and feeling enough. These things are less glorified because they stand in opposition to consumer capitalism. Who are you outside of self-optimization? is a question that too many of us don't have an adequate response to.
"It can be equally transformative to stay put for a bit, giving us the chance to know ourselves in the context of stability, rather than just the context of pursuing something. When we're home, we can take inventory of who we are."
I can't recommend this more highly. If you're young and figuring it out, please pick this up (and know that you're doing just fine, regardless of what others have to say).
Stauffer untangles messy popular expectations of youth, advocating for contentment and well-being over ceaseless self-improvement and striving. Like any good Atlantic take on modernity meets millennials, she addresses a host of environmental factors making young adulthood far more complicated than necessary, with a nod to the effects of the pandemic. She adds in a host of personal anecdotes that make you feel like you're talking with a close friend who wants you to avoid the heartaches they've experienced. Supplemented by a host of interviews from folks of all backgrounds and identities, she arrives at in-depth critiques of unrealistic social standards. The American individualism at the center of our woes — manifested through the mindsets that dictate our choices and deprive us of connection — can be mitigated through embracing community, relationships and the mundane. Extraordinary is overrated, seldom achievable and harmful to ceaselessly pursue.
"When we put so much emphasis on individuality and setting ourselves apart, we also set ourselves up to be quite lonely. When the hierarchy is flat... where we don't have to scratch and maintain our elevated place, we allow ourselves to be part of the community instead."
Within this larger critique, she flips the script on the traditional narrative ascribed to "your 20s" as a time of grand exploration, experimentation, adventure and so on. Novelty has its place, but what most of her interviewees found most alluring related to steadiness, meaning, and feeling enough. These things are less glorified because they stand in opposition to consumer capitalism. Who are you outside of self-optimization? is a question that too many of us don't have an adequate response to.
"It can be equally transformative to stay put for a bit, giving us the chance to know ourselves in the context of stability, rather than just the context of pursuing something. When we're home, we can take inventory of who we are."
I can't recommend this more highly. If you're young and figuring it out, please pick this up (and know that you're doing just fine, regardless of what others have to say).
October 12, 2021
I couldn't take this book very seriously. The argument "in your 20s, the small things are the big things" feels trite, and I think anyone who has done any sort of deeper self reflection already understands this sentiment. There's also something about a white woman making point-blank statements about the hardships of those less privileged than her that rubs me the wrong way. Didn't make it through the first few chapters. Really disliked the writing style.
December 25, 2021
Overall, really grateful the author documented what it’s like to grapple with many of the most pressing questions of young adulthood. (I will say upfront that I was distracted throughout reading it & feel like I should give it another chance!)
I felt I would have enjoyed reading each chapter as individual essays because the book overall was sometimes rather slow and/or repetitive at points… but truly all of what was covered resonated with me. I
I’ve certainly had in depth conversations or journaled about all of the topics covered, so I’m glad this book made me feel less alone & amplified ordinariness!
The quotes below REALLY hit home.
***
“Some of the things that get dismissed as unimportant during young adulthood — stability, routine, self-worth, community — are actually what fulfill us, not just the extraordinary “big stuff”.”
“So this idea of moving as a marker of success for young adults becomes obvious: Who doesn’t want to be ambitious, adventurous, spontaneous, and open to new experiences, as opposed to cautious, routine-oriented, and rooted?
…
Because moving is so ingrained in how we think about this time of life, despite whether or not everyone can “achieve” that milestone, it feels staying is rarely celebrated… the idea of “boomeranging” ties into our sense of home and identity, because rather than moving forward, marching down the jetway between our average homes and our best selves, coming back can feel like an unwelcome confrontation with a self you have left behind. Thinking that newness creates meaning and value, or wanting a city to tell you something about yourself, makes it easy to fall into the line of thinking that if you move to a “better” place, you’ll Find a better self to go along with it.”
“What perfectionism looks like now is subtler: Not thinking my feelings are valid enough, or big enough, to warrant sharing. Thinking I have only earned something if I’m bone-tired and burnt out at the end of it, or else I didn’t sacrifice enough. Rehashing mistakes over and over until I’ve analyzed every second from every angle and developed alternative responses for each. Failing to call friends as often as I should and falling into a guilt cycle about that instead of just making the call. ***OPTING OUT OF MAKING HARD CHOICES ABOUT MY LIFE IN ORDER TO DEFEND MYSELF BY KEEPING EVERY OPTION ON THE TABLE.
…
Reminding myself that there’s a difference between thoughtfully listening to other people and seeking their approval as the governing force of my life.”
“How much do I trust that I know about myself? … how do I want my life to feel? And all of these extraordinary metrics— at what point do they shift from being aspirational ideals to being placeholders for self-worth?”
I felt I would have enjoyed reading each chapter as individual essays because the book overall was sometimes rather slow and/or repetitive at points… but truly all of what was covered resonated with me. I
I’ve certainly had in depth conversations or journaled about all of the topics covered, so I’m glad this book made me feel less alone & amplified ordinariness!
The quotes below REALLY hit home.
***
“Some of the things that get dismissed as unimportant during young adulthood — stability, routine, self-worth, community — are actually what fulfill us, not just the extraordinary “big stuff”.”
“So this idea of moving as a marker of success for young adults becomes obvious: Who doesn’t want to be ambitious, adventurous, spontaneous, and open to new experiences, as opposed to cautious, routine-oriented, and rooted?
…
Because moving is so ingrained in how we think about this time of life, despite whether or not everyone can “achieve” that milestone, it feels staying is rarely celebrated… the idea of “boomeranging” ties into our sense of home and identity, because rather than moving forward, marching down the jetway between our average homes and our best selves, coming back can feel like an unwelcome confrontation with a self you have left behind. Thinking that newness creates meaning and value, or wanting a city to tell you something about yourself, makes it easy to fall into the line of thinking that if you move to a “better” place, you’ll Find a better self to go along with it.”
“What perfectionism looks like now is subtler: Not thinking my feelings are valid enough, or big enough, to warrant sharing. Thinking I have only earned something if I’m bone-tired and burnt out at the end of it, or else I didn’t sacrifice enough. Rehashing mistakes over and over until I’ve analyzed every second from every angle and developed alternative responses for each. Failing to call friends as often as I should and falling into a guilt cycle about that instead of just making the call. ***OPTING OUT OF MAKING HARD CHOICES ABOUT MY LIFE IN ORDER TO DEFEND MYSELF BY KEEPING EVERY OPTION ON THE TABLE.
…
Reminding myself that there’s a difference between thoughtfully listening to other people and seeking their approval as the governing force of my life.”
“How much do I trust that I know about myself? … how do I want my life to feel? And all of these extraordinary metrics— at what point do they shift from being aspirational ideals to being placeholders for self-worth?”
Read
July 14, 2024"It became obvious... that so much of our hyper-focus on being exceptional, individualistic, and extraordinary was built on a foundation of lies."
This is a soft, gentle book that takes a look at 10 of the biggest things that we are told as young adults (college, relationships, career, hobbies, etc.) and takes a course through asking "is what we are told about these things really the way things work?" And mostly, the answer is no. But that's okay, and this book is also geared towards helping young adults acknowledge, accept, and embrace that life doesn't have to look like four year college immediately into 40+ hour a week job with marriage and 2.5 kids.
It's not a religiously affiliated or focused book, but it made me think a lot about my own faith, and the journey I've been on to get to where I'm at now with it. How awfully the American/western church has failed everyone, but especially young adults, who deeply, desperately want what the Church should be. But what it all too rarely ever is. I know I long for those things, and have spent the last 5ish years seeking, trying, dearly hoping that there is something real like that out there somewhere. It's heartbreaking to see my experience extended even further than I've been, and across such a wide, hungry part of my generation.
This is a soft, gentle book that takes a look at 10 of the biggest things that we are told as young adults (college, relationships, career, hobbies, etc.) and takes a course through asking "is what we are told about these things really the way things work?" And mostly, the answer is no. But that's okay, and this book is also geared towards helping young adults acknowledge, accept, and embrace that life doesn't have to look like four year college immediately into 40+ hour a week job with marriage and 2.5 kids.
It's not a religiously affiliated or focused book, but it made me think a lot about my own faith, and the journey I've been on to get to where I'm at now with it. How awfully the American/western church has failed everyone, but especially young adults, who deeply, desperately want what the Church should be. But what it all too rarely ever is. I know I long for those things, and have spent the last 5ish years seeking, trying, dearly hoping that there is something real like that out there somewhere. It's heartbreaking to see my experience extended even further than I've been, and across such a wide, hungry part of my generation.
October 4, 2022
I thought the title seemed so relevant, but I’m having a hard time relating to the content. All the chapter titles seemed to be relatable, but the content within was focused on the way society forces things upon us. While I don’t disagree with that, it was all things I’ve already found to be true. As other reviews state, if you’ve done some reflection yourself, you won’t be finding much new information.
There also wasn’t the answers I was hoping for. Or perhaps I was hoping for hope. But it was mostly a reflection and consideration that life is hard for _____ reasons. All true but not necessarily what I was looking for.
I’ve also found that it covered a lot of topics that I can’t relate to as I have lived a rather privileged life. I know that this information is helpful to a lot of people, I just wasn’t one of them.
There also wasn’t the answers I was hoping for. Or perhaps I was hoping for hope. But it was mostly a reflection and consideration that life is hard for _____ reasons. All true but not necessarily what I was looking for.
I’ve also found that it covered a lot of topics that I can’t relate to as I have lived a rather privileged life. I know that this information is helpful to a lot of people, I just wasn’t one of them.
July 5, 2021
diet trick mirror (complimentary)
April 16, 2024
i really needed that. thank you rainesford 🫀
May 25, 2021
3.5 ⭐️
I feel a couple different ways about this book. I think it means something that it took me this long to read, and by the end, I was skimming. This disinterest may be because ~self-help~ novels are not my favorite, so take this review with that in mind.
The topics addressed by the author should be at the forefront of discussions in many spaces, like Gen Z brunches, college dorm rooms, and post-graduation Sunday scaries. Rainesford Stauffer created a book easy to read and immensely relatable to almost anyone who picks it up.
However, I felt like she was repeating the same concept often by the end of the novel (I find this common in many books of this genre), and I also felt like shamed? I experiences this when she would point out elements of my own life—like trying hard, working to secure a job, or even practicing self-care via face masks and movie nights—are not authentic and too “extraordinary.”
I do fell like she packed some impactful tid bits in her essays, and the better audience may be those struggling in society’s standards; we all are in some way, and this novel would validate a lot of those fears, anxieties, and insecurities.
I feel a couple different ways about this book. I think it means something that it took me this long to read, and by the end, I was skimming. This disinterest may be because ~self-help~ novels are not my favorite, so take this review with that in mind.
The topics addressed by the author should be at the forefront of discussions in many spaces, like Gen Z brunches, college dorm rooms, and post-graduation Sunday scaries. Rainesford Stauffer created a book easy to read and immensely relatable to almost anyone who picks it up.
However, I felt like she was repeating the same concept often by the end of the novel (I find this common in many books of this genre), and I also felt like shamed? I experiences this when she would point out elements of my own life—like trying hard, working to secure a job, or even practicing self-care via face masks and movie nights—are not authentic and too “extraordinary.”
I do fell like she packed some impactful tid bits in her essays, and the better audience may be those struggling in society’s standards; we all are in some way, and this novel would validate a lot of those fears, anxieties, and insecurities.
May 29, 2021
As others have commented, "An Ordinary Age" is the antithesis of the GirlBoss manifesto. It would have been beneficial reading to me at any point over the past few years, but I found it particularly helpful now, as the traditional anxieties of young adulthood that had been subdued by the pandemic's indiscriminate lull begin to slowly reemerge...
June 1, 2022
A really comforting affirmation that it's okay for me to be just some little guy living my life ❤️
November 24, 2021
“Some of the most extraordinary things about our lives are, in fact, the ordinary ones. The person we met by chance that changed everything. The thing we said yes—or no!—to that rerouted the path. Knowing loneliness isn’t a character flaw, but a sign we aren’t in it alone. That craving acknowledgment, acceptance, belonging, and even wanting to be liked are normal, not betrayals to the great solo adventure of finding yourself. That failure is rarely final and is mostly someone else’s definition of failure anyway. That we become more of ourselves when we let the right people in. That we’re becoming more ourselves all the time. That, where we can, we could embrace the glorious mundanities and follow timelines that feel truest to us; try to give ourselves permission, where it’s in our power, to live as we are—not solely for who we could be.”
As a 30 year old with a marriage and a career, I would consider myself just outside the target audience for this text, but I was drawn to the idea of letting go of the competitiveness of pursuing your “best life” and learning to embrace and celebrate the ordinary, as this is a pressure that I struggle with. While An Ordinary Age is geared more towards those in their twenties, Stauffer has wisdom for anyone who has struggled with the comparison game or with finding fulfillment in their life choices.
An Ordinary Age is focused on western culture, as Stauffer grapples with the distinctly American preoccupation with hyper-independence, the damaging “bootstraps” mentality (particularly in regards to mental healthy and the commodification of “self-care”), and the equivocation of busyness with value. From mental health to community, spirituality to identity exploration, housing insecurity to loneliness, Stauffer offers empathy to those who are struggling and reminds readers that they’re good enough.
We do not exist to be fixed, our worth is not tied to our productivity, and the ordinary and mundane can be precious and meaningful. An Ordinary Age is like a hug for the soul, even if you’re someone who’s pretty sure they have it all figured out, and is a beacon for those in the thick of it.
As a 30 year old with a marriage and a career, I would consider myself just outside the target audience for this text, but I was drawn to the idea of letting go of the competitiveness of pursuing your “best life” and learning to embrace and celebrate the ordinary, as this is a pressure that I struggle with. While An Ordinary Age is geared more towards those in their twenties, Stauffer has wisdom for anyone who has struggled with the comparison game or with finding fulfillment in their life choices.
An Ordinary Age is focused on western culture, as Stauffer grapples with the distinctly American preoccupation with hyper-independence, the damaging “bootstraps” mentality (particularly in regards to mental healthy and the commodification of “self-care”), and the equivocation of busyness with value. From mental health to community, spirituality to identity exploration, housing insecurity to loneliness, Stauffer offers empathy to those who are struggling and reminds readers that they’re good enough.
We do not exist to be fixed, our worth is not tied to our productivity, and the ordinary and mundane can be precious and meaningful. An Ordinary Age is like a hug for the soul, even if you’re someone who’s pretty sure they have it all figured out, and is a beacon for those in the thick of it.
July 10, 2021
I'm just so glad I discovered this book during my early phase of quarter-life crisis AND in the middle of pandemic
As a millennial myself, I also fell prey to hustle culture, which seems to become more prevalent these days especially if you're coming from tech background. There's always this invisible pressure to do certain stuff for your life to be considered a great one, or where you always have to give your best otherwise you wouldn't make it. As the book puts it, it feels like "great" becomes "average", and "average" is synonymous to "bad" on this modern life that expects everyone to be extraordinary. And the presence of social media makes it even worse because it makes us even more susceptible to social comparison.
This book tries to challenge the narrative of "Living the extraordinary life" by talking about it from various aspects of emerging adulthood phase. It acknowledges that it's normal if we feel lost and not being able to figure out everything at once during our emerging adulthood because it's meant to be spent for searching our identity and meaning anyway. The book also posits that the notion of extraordinary life might not be a fit for everyone because not everyone could have the access to the resources due to systemic problems they have to experience.
After reading the book, I might want to reflect on several life goals/ambitions I have rn and start to question myself whether I am having these goals because I really want them, or is it because modern life's expectation telling me to do those things. It's ok and perfectly normal to be ordinary, after all. And it's best to pick goals that feel the truest to ourselves
As a millennial myself, I also fell prey to hustle culture, which seems to become more prevalent these days especially if you're coming from tech background. There's always this invisible pressure to do certain stuff for your life to be considered a great one, or where you always have to give your best otherwise you wouldn't make it. As the book puts it, it feels like "great" becomes "average", and "average" is synonymous to "bad" on this modern life that expects everyone to be extraordinary. And the presence of social media makes it even worse because it makes us even more susceptible to social comparison.
This book tries to challenge the narrative of "Living the extraordinary life" by talking about it from various aspects of emerging adulthood phase. It acknowledges that it's normal if we feel lost and not being able to figure out everything at once during our emerging adulthood because it's meant to be spent for searching our identity and meaning anyway. The book also posits that the notion of extraordinary life might not be a fit for everyone because not everyone could have the access to the resources due to systemic problems they have to experience.
After reading the book, I might want to reflect on several life goals/ambitions I have rn and start to question myself whether I am having these goals because I really want them, or is it because modern life's expectation telling me to do those things. It's ok and perfectly normal to be ordinary, after all. And it's best to pick goals that feel the truest to ourselves
November 5, 2021
The message and intent is wonderful and stretches my mind quite a bit. This would be a very helpful book for people who are in their early/mid twenties, in a quarter-life crisis and mentally drained of energy in this world that pits individual against individual. I recommend pairing this book with The Hype Machine as so much of our lives nowadays centre around social media. It would enable readers to understand the online landscape more holistically and the impact that comes with being hypersocialised in today's culture that pushes for perfectionism.
We normalise these unhealthy and toxic expectations and ideals the author described in the book, just hearing someone put the feelings and thoughts that I've tried to push down into words and make sense of them made me feel validated and understood.
One criticism I have is that this book feels like a giant rant of the society at times. I fully acknowledge that so many of the problems young adults (especially BIPOC YA) face theses days are systemic issues, but it felt pointless to just put all of the responsibilities on "the society" and ends it there. Questions (and really, the most important part) like, how should we deal with these issues when it's caused by the community as a whole, how do we make it better, were not touched on. So as a result, I think the book came off as more cynical than the author intended it to be.
We normalise these unhealthy and toxic expectations and ideals the author described in the book, just hearing someone put the feelings and thoughts that I've tried to push down into words and make sense of them made me feel validated and understood.
One criticism I have is that this book feels like a giant rant of the society at times. I fully acknowledge that so many of the problems young adults (especially BIPOC YA) face theses days are systemic issues, but it felt pointless to just put all of the responsibilities on "the society" and ends it there. Questions (and really, the most important part) like, how should we deal with these issues when it's caused by the community as a whole, how do we make it better, were not touched on. So as a result, I think the book came off as more cynical than the author intended it to be.
Read
January 21, 2022I didn't finish this book - I had fiction to read that I was way more excited about, so I put this aside about one third of the way through, and then had to return it to the library. When I looked through my highlights from the book, I found that the author brought up important points - the pressure to be exceptional, less visible adulthood achievements like problem solving and trusting oneself, the expectation of sailing away to establish a new life in a new place while we feel a tug back to the rooted community of our homes. A central theme is that early adulthood is hard, and going through hard things is normal despite the idyllic portrayals in (social) media. But it took a lot of repetitive prose to get to these points, and a good bit of vaguely blaming ~society~ for the supposed increase in difficulty of adulthood, without much critical examination of contributing factors. The book was also painted as a successor to Meg Jay's The Defining Decade, but it wasn't nearly as well written (I have bones to pick with that book as well, but not about the writing). I may pick this up later to get to other good points among the rambling, we'll see.
May 30, 2021
I heard an interview with the author a few weeks ago and was intrigued to read the book. I’m being a little generous with this rating because I think the book is really important and also well researched and written. It would have been much more impactful to me if I were 10-15 years younger, but a lot of the key points about the pressures of young adulthood and identity formation as a young adult resonated nonetheless. I can see gifting this to a college grad or reading chapters of this in a college class or common reads program. I really identified with the concept of “commodified hobbies” (which I’ve been annoyed by forever but could never figure out how to articulate) and also found the spirituality, social media, and self-care sections particularly insightful. But I’ll also will admit that I was skimming by the end of the book because some of the key points were getting repetitive.
August 16, 2021
This book was opened my eye to adapt myself during this pandemic situation.
In this situation i become more hustle than before. Working from 9 to 7 just to pay the debt and support my family (i am a sandwich generations btw), plus trying to adapt with working colleague with all remote things, trying to blend, trying to keep updates with social things in work even you don't have to, affect my mental and physics too.
After i read this book, i realized: sometimes it's okay to become JOMO person. With all the limitation that charged to us, become ordinary person can be less stressful. Also, this book make me start to re-arrange my goals (or wishlists?), Are those goals reflect my truest desire? Or just expectations that imposed to me.
In this situation i become more hustle than before. Working from 9 to 7 just to pay the debt and support my family (i am a sandwich generations btw), plus trying to adapt with working colleague with all remote things, trying to blend, trying to keep updates with social things in work even you don't have to, affect my mental and physics too.
After i read this book, i realized: sometimes it's okay to become JOMO person. With all the limitation that charged to us, become ordinary person can be less stressful. Also, this book make me start to re-arrange my goals (or wishlists?), Are those goals reflect my truest desire? Or just expectations that imposed to me.
May 20, 2021
I’d recommend this book for pretty much every 20-something. It is full of great insights that I’ll probably come back to now and then. If you’re outside that group or not near it, I’m not sure how much you’ll get from the book, but most of my friends and peers are dealing with so many of the things this book tackles—pressures from work, school, social media, love, life in general.
It felt like it put into words so many problems that I’ve struggled with. I’ve been anxious. I’ve been burned out at work. I’ve been tired and not good about making plans. This book provides some stats and data but it’s at its best when the voices of regular people are brought in. It makes the book feel incredibly relatable.
And it’s particularly insightful when it brings in perspectives from people our society often overlooks or discriminates against. There are a lot of voices from people who struggle to afford luxuries like time off and self care. It recognizes that not every 20-something faces the same challenges and that people of color, queer folk and others have it even worse due to discrimination and systemic racism.
I’m not sure everybody will have a profound reaction to this book. I have but I’m still not sure what it is yet. But if nothing else, this book will make you feel like however you struggle with the pressures of being an emerging adult, you’re not alone.
It felt like it put into words so many problems that I’ve struggled with. I’ve been anxious. I’ve been burned out at work. I’ve been tired and not good about making plans. This book provides some stats and data but it’s at its best when the voices of regular people are brought in. It makes the book feel incredibly relatable.
And it’s particularly insightful when it brings in perspectives from people our society often overlooks or discriminates against. There are a lot of voices from people who struggle to afford luxuries like time off and self care. It recognizes that not every 20-something faces the same challenges and that people of color, queer folk and others have it even worse due to discrimination and systemic racism.
I’m not sure everybody will have a profound reaction to this book. I have but I’m still not sure what it is yet. But if nothing else, this book will make you feel like however you struggle with the pressures of being an emerging adult, you’re not alone.
April 7, 2022
The myth is that perfectionism exists because we want to be perfect, just like the myth persists that we're obsessed with work because we want to achieve. It assumes a level of choice and financial security that doesn't exist for a lot of people, and ignores a bitter truth: so broken are things, doing it all perfectly feels like the only shot at things turning out okay.
I didn't learn anything new and this didn't help me in any way, but so much of this was so relatable that I still really enjoyed it.
I didn't learn anything new and this didn't help me in any way, but so much of this was so relatable that I still really enjoyed it.
November 9, 2021
I wish I could have given myself this book a few years ago, when I was fresh out of college and feeling naively like I was the only one who didn't have it "all figured out" yet. Nevertheless, this book was an affirming reminder of the systemic odds stacked against us and the loneliness and burnout that comes from living through the hellish combination of an increasingly online life, a global pandemic, and hustle culture—and also the joy and connection that we can find in embracing our ordinary and messy selves.
February 28, 2022
While I don’t think of myself as a millennial: I am. Some of the chapters (on boundaries, self care, over working, and social media) hit home, while other I skipped (online dating). The overall message: you don’t have to be amazing to be good enough, was helpful.
Listened to this on my phone from the library.
Listened to this on my phone from the library.
May 6, 2022
This book was like looking in a mirror. It doesn’t offer much in terms of solutions, but it really helps capture the stress and pressure of being an emerging adult and helps make us feel seen and validated
Also definitely recommend the author’s Life Kit episode!
Also definitely recommend the author’s Life Kit episode!
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