Why Can't We Just Play?: What I Did When I Realized My Kids Were Way Too Busy

by Pam Lobley

Facing summer with her two boys, ages ten and seven, Pam Lobley was sifting through signups for swim team, rec camp, night camp, scout camp, and enrichment classes. Overwhelmed at the choices, she asked her sons what they wanted to do during “Soccer? Zoo School? Little Prodigy’s Art Club?”

“Why can’t we just play?” they asked.

A summer with no scheduled activities at all . . . The thought was tempting, but was it possible? It would be like something out of the 1950s. Could they really have a summer like that?

Juggling the expectations of her husband (“Are you going to wear garters?”), her son, Sam (“I’m bored!”), and her son, Jack (“Can I just stay in my pajamas?”), Pam sets out to give her kids an old-fashioned summer. During the shapeless days, she studies up on the myths and realities of the 1950s. With her trademark wit and candor, she reveals what we can learn from those long-ago families, why raising kids has changed so drastically, and most importantly, how to stop time once in a while and just play.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Memoir, Childrens, Audiobook, Book Club, Biography Memoir

193 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 5, 2016

About the author

Pam Lobley has written comedy, plays, newspaper columns, blogs and books. Her latest book "Why Can't We Just Play?" is a sweet and funny memoir of a summer she spent “doing nothing” with her kids. You can keep up with her at www.pamlobley.com.

Reviews

[Mady S · Rating 1 out of 5]

I’m really glad this book was short. I typically never leave reviews, but I was really disappointed in this book. What I thought was going to be insightful and helpful tips on how to enjoy time outside with your kids, or her recounting a summer or just letting her kids play.. but it was a memoir about a mom who tried to emulate the 1950s and not signing her kids up for anything to do and complains a lot about their time together. There are some small moments where she seems to enjoy this time but honestly it felt like a laundry list of complaining and stressed me out a bit. Most of the book she is talking about her kids fighting or how much TV they’re watching and talks often about how her husband doesn’t like the kids playing on their lawn and how none of them appreciated an outdoor set up she created it and was excited about. It honestly just kind of felt like a book full of complaints about her family but then at the end she says she was so grateful for the summer and will do it again. It really threw me for a loop.

[Marissa · Rating 3 out of 5]

I opened this looking for some additional mental armor in the war against a culture of hyper scheduled children. In some senses, this honest look at the author's family, much more of a memoir than I expected, gave that - she seems (mostly, with reservation) glad to have had her unscheduled summer. Overall, though, the book was one more in the genre of The Relatable Floundering. There's plenty of content out there about parenting without any defined counter cultural vision and embracing the mess that ensues. If you'd like a well written, unflinchingly honest, memoir about remaining in the posture of grasping to have it all with a brief window of a break, Why Can't We Just Play could be a fit. If you're looking for a positive and sustainable vision to strive towards of what motherhood and family life at a relaxed pace can look like, this isn't it.

[Carla Manly · Rating 5 out of 5]

A LOVE-FILLED BOOK FOCUSED ON THE ART OF PLAY! What a marvelous book that gives busy parents, caregivers, and educators an opportunity to embrace the benefits of NOT always having scheduled activities and routine play. Pam Lobley's invitation to reflect on the upsides of allowing children to truly play is a welcome shift. I only wish this book had been available years ago...it's such an eye-opener!

[Julia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked this book up after seeing it on the 1000 Hours Outside book club list. I resonated with the author’s feeling torn about overscheduling her kids and the fear of them “falling behind”. While I’m not smack in the middle of striver culture - my kids are still young and we homeschool - I do find my former organization kid inclinations telling me, “I need to find a Cub Scout pack for my third grader so he can become an Eagle Scout for college applications.”

She mistakes authoritative parenting for “hothouse parenting.” I know she wrote the memoir with a satirical tone, but the dismissive way she portrays her husband’s suggestion to cut the cord on the TV and “turn the radio to AM” puzzled me. She bemoans her kids being glued to the TV or video games for hours every day during the summer when some simple boundaries could have opened up the hours a bit for her kids to engage in those creative pursuits she initially dreamed of.

I also found the 1950s riff tiresome. It seems like she sold the book with a kookier pitch and then it was marketed as a more serious look at kids’ overscheduled lives. It wasn’t for me.

[Beka · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book was built on an intriguing concept. I did not engage with the writing style of the author, nor her advice after she walked the reader through her experience. I think there was a book to be written from this experience, but this book was not it. I feel like I read a jacket cover, but didn't experience any valuable take aways to apply to my own life. This may be a result of where I'm at on my own journey to simplify and add meaning to my life. It's possible that I might have identified and connected with this book years ago. But at this point in my life (7 years of motherhood/parenting), I didn't find any helpful tidbits or insightful approaches to try.

I was also frustrated that the author seemed to be annoyed with her kids, instead of finding their strengths and helping them explore those, while admiring them. Like encouraging more Lego play. Or maybe building *with* them. She complained that they didn't like to do what she likes to do. Why was she surprised that they didn't want to go see a whale documentary?? And she complained that they weren't polite or thoughtful or eager to read books with her. Well, they're her kids and it's her job to parent them so they learn how to have those skills, so maybe some of her energy should have gone into that more so than throwing a 50s themed party.

I got the feeling that she didn't feel connected to her boys. And that she tried this drastic approach to find that. Ultimately, I don't think she ended up feeling much more connected to them. There were moments where she mentioned moments of positivity and connection, but she didn't expand on it. It was plopped in one sentence after three pages of complaining. If she had expanded on those moments more, she could have won me over. I don't know, maybe I missed a point she was making. But this book wasn't something I enjoyed.

[Bethany Stewart · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book read like a diary that she kept during her 1950's summer. She was really hung up on how much her husband was obsessed with the lawn. It really didn't seem like she learned much from her summer of nothing. She seemed overwhelmed and just as stressed as she did while shuttling her kids to all the "normal" summer activities. As a SAHM a lot of things she struggled with were relatable, but I do find fulfillment in keeping a house and raising my kids.

As a homeschooling mom, what I think she was looking for, our community has found. My kids are busy in activities, but we are home together all day. My kids play outside almost every day. Now that they are teens, they know what boredom is and how to fill the space. They all have creative hobbies and know how to entertain themselves.

The book did make me grateful for the life I have chosen. I will not ever regret these years with my kids.

[Steff · Rating 3 out of 5]

As a second-generation homeschooler, I’m not the target audience for this book. Which is probably why I disliked it so intensely—thus the three stars instead of just two. 😅

For a book trying to advocate for a less-busy childhood, this feels an awful lot like an exultation in chaos and familial discord.

For this family, it seemed like choosing an unscheduled summer mostly equated to choosing hours upon hours of video games and TV, fighting, making messes, and mom spiraling along with her family into some good memories that were interspersed with a very high level of stress.

If this is a goal summer for those who have their kids in public school, I’m even more glad than ever that I’ve opted out of that whole system.

Read for the 1000 Hours Outside Bookclub.

[Kayla · Rating 5 out of 5]

A summer from the 1950s. No schedule, no plan, just lazy days outside, at the pool, playing and reading. What a dream. Mom's of the 50s had it so easy and kids had so much freedom, right? Well, kind of... The author tells about her effort to create a schedule free summer for her young boys. A comedic retelling of the struggles of parenting. But a reminder to slow down and say no to the hustle. To enjoy the little moments. To remember that not every minute needs to be productive. So much to learn from and reflect on. 

I recommend every parent read this. Consider how society pressures us to some perfection that doesn't exist. And how to let yourself be free from those expectations. In fact, lower your expectations! 

[Amber Hansen · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really really really wanted to love this book. I was looking for more on how to transition from too busy to not so busy. I understand the book is about what the author did when she realized they were too busy but by the 20th page I longed for the author to stop referring to the 1950s and get to the point. Glad I picked it up but happier I’m done with it.

[Gina · Rating 1 out of 5]

Comparison is the thief of joy… and this book is full of it. Very disappointed it was all about not living up to an unattainable 1950s ideal. Don’t get me started about how far from ideal life was in the 1950s. I kept hoping the author would come to the same realization I did, but no such luck. If the book wasn’t so short I would not have finished.

[Ley Wire · Rating 1 out of 5]

Really disappointing. It's not about kids playing, it's about a mom who enjoys complaining about everything.

[Heidi Low · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5/5
I didn't hate this book like Jaxon did, haha. I appreciated Pam's unfiltered honesty of the good and the bad of her views and experience in parenting. Jaxon and I were both expecting this to be more informational/guide on how to not overcrowd our kids schedule and childhood, but instead got a memoir. I think if we had expected that in the beginning, I would have been less critical. Either way, I did feel like it was lacking messaging or a clear conclusion, and felt myself getting second hand existentialism from Pam.

[Amanda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Missed the Mark

I think this missed the mark for me. The concept is wonderful and I loved the idea of a 1950's summer, but the book just fell really flat. It started off slow, boring, and a bit whiny. It then got interesting. Then if hit another boring and whiny section followed by the ending that was pretty good. There was a lot of good reflection at the end of the book that I felt Pam needed. She clearly missed a lot of that living in the moment of her 1950's summer, but I was happy to see she able to see if after the fact. The general assumption that 1950 moms had it easier and better is wrong too. Even today people assume because I am at home with my kids that I don't have things going on and life is easy. It is not. Pam was able to see that clear as day at the end of the book. Parenthood is hard and all encompassing in ways. It's about a series of choices and choosing to make the time for your kids.

[Lisa Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book describes a wonderful concept that I'd truly like to enlist for my family. Take away scheduling, and just enjoy life. Written with heart and love for her family, Pam Lobley details what is missing in our lives. Let the children play.

[Brittany · Rating 1 out of 5]

I expected something different from what this book actually was. It is the story of one family’s summer. It is not tips, tricks, or advice about how to have a less scheduled, more free childhood. I feel the title and description were not accurate.

[Sharon · Rating 1 out of 5]

This was hard to get threw and it became extremely repetitive. Hearing 1950, 50’s became an annoyance.

[Lindsey · Rating 1 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book but there was nothing new in it and it just felt like a retelling of their “50’s style” summer.

[Bethany Beasley]

Gleanings:

Our culture is obsessed with "having it all." Who has it all? It strikes me as a ridiculous concept: all. Would you go into a restaurant, look at the menu, and say, "I'll have it all"? Would you go into a furniture store, glance around at the various sofas and coffee tables, and declare, "I’ll take it all"? Yet most of the focus of our adult lives involves trying to have it all. Suddenly, all I wanted was less: less striving, less achieving, less rushing. Certainly, my children were craving less.

But they loved when we had conversations. When I paid attention to them and did nothing else. That was why bedtime could take so long: because we finally slowed down and paid attention to each other.

I told myself I was savoring moments; I was really just wildly creating them so I could say that I did it, hoping that the kids were at least savoring things while I just dashed madly about.

[Kids] were more concerned about celebrating the current moment as opposed to getting ahead to the next moment.

Since I was always racing to the next moment, nothing about the present moment ever mattered.

“ What could be more important than doing unimportant things? If you stop to do enough of them, you'll never get to where you're going.... If you only do the easy and useless jobs, you'll never have to worry about the important ones that are so difficult. You just won't have the time. For there's always something to do to keep you from what you really should be doing....”

We talked a little, and I felt so happy and amazed that I could be the source of such enormous comfort. What a gift it is to be a mother and be able to solve problems so easily. At their ages then, if I simply listened to them, or hugged them, or lay down next to them as they fell asleep, their problems vanished. I was the source of their peace and comfort, and I realized how lucky I was to have that job.

1. Find a safe place for the kids to play with no or minimal supervision from you.
2. Create a vacuum—a few hours where there is nothing for them to do and they are totally unplugged.
3. Get other kids together-get two, three, or twenty-five kias, also unplugged, together.


Going back to a simpler time does not mean a lovely picnic in a field with homemade sandwiches and Frisbee tournaments. It means clearing space in a regular day and then allowing the child to fill it. No planning, no guidance, no judgment from you about what they choose to play.

[Kristina · Rating 5 out of 5]

A refreshingly candid memoir about modern motherhood. It made me grateful that I do not live in the 1950s though, it sounds horrible.

This book came at a good time for me. My son is only 4 years old but already I'm feeling the pressure to get him into more activities and figure out a plan of action for summer. My son isn't the least bit interested in anything other than staying home with me and this book helped me feel okay with doing just that.

I am concerned about Bill and his lawn obsession though. He sounds like an odd duck. Pam is a saint for indulging him. You wouldn't catch me pouring water on spots where the dog peed just to save my husband's beloved grass. Lmao

[Jaxon · Rating 1 out of 5]

Read this book out loud with Heidi! It was enjoyable to read a book together in our spare time.

Too bad the book was awful. We expected an informational book about how to ensure your kids aren’t too busy in this chaotic world today. Instead, we read a memoir about an angsty mother who complains a lot, is full of anxiety and existentialism, and calls her children brats often.

I wasn’t fond of the writing. I wasn’t fond of her rude mothering. I wasn’t fond of her lacking message. Glad the book is over.

[April Cunningham · Rating 4 out of 5]

Every one in a while you read a book and wonder if the author had been spying on you. While I’ve never done a 1950s summer experiment, the reasons she pursued her 1950s summer are all things I’ve thought at some point. Maybe we’ll give it a try next summer.

[LaDonna Harris · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book. I want sure when I started. I strive to live a laid back life and to have that 1950s feel for my kids. I think we do okay. I loved reading the author's process and the things she learned. I can't say I really learned anything but she reinforced what I already know.

[Christy · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really wanted to like this book more. The premise was up my alley but I found myself annoyed by the author putting down her husband and kids a lot (to be fair she was honest about her own faults and was equally giving them praise too). It was more comedic and biographical than I thought and centered around one summer of zero programming rather than decisions that changed their family culture going forward. The stories kept me engaged, but there wasn't a lot I could take away to apply to my own life.

[Katie Bailey · Rating 5 out of 5]

Honest, smart and funny!

[Chelsea Kraft · Rating 2 out of 5]

Honestly you could probably just read the last few chapters and get everything you need from the book. The rest is a kinda funny story that I felt relatable but wasn't necessary. I almost gave up on it because it was a lot of the same thing over and over. I liked knowing someone else went through it but I live it on a daily basis, I don't need to live it through someone else also. I did love the last few chapters but the rest was just eh to me.

[Mady Jirak · Rating 3 out of 5]

I’d like to give this a reread when I’m out of the toddler phase.. loved the line “I felt so happy and amazed that I could be the source of such enormous comfort, what a gift it is to be a mother and be able to solve problems so easily”

[Karen · Rating 2 out of 5]

I didn't connect with this book, though at least it was a very quick read. The author envisions a "1950s summer" for her family which as far as I could tell simply meant that she didn't sign her sons up for summer camp (except then her older son did go to Boy Scout camp?). Near the end of the summer she reads The Feminine Mystique and is seemingly caught off guard by the notion that 1950s mothers were not universally happy. And while the book was published in 2016, the summer she describes actually occurred in 2008 before much of our now ubiquitous tech and its interference in family free time. I love the idea of a book describing how to realistically carve out time for free play and resist the pressures of overscheduling in modern family life, but this certainly wasn't it.

[Vivian · Rating 4 out of 5]

Funny, refreshing parenting expose` a'la Family Circus style. Suppose one could stop the merry-go-round busyness of over-scheduled summers for children and go back to the "good old days", say the 1950's. Well, that's just what this mother of two boys (ages 7 and 10) did. She collected her observations in this chronology of that one summer and concludes with some suggestions for other like-minded parents.

I found some of her accounts to be foot-stomping funny (the almost perfect dog, running errands with her kids, her confession that her boys don't do chores). I found others to be very moving (her account of an afternoon spent playing the game of Life and how it made her speculate about their future lives and made her realize how intensely a mother loves her children and how little control we have over their choices despite our micromanaging and monitoring).

I suppose my favorite stories were about the four degrees of celebrating the Fourth of July (High status, Acceptable status, Low status, and failure), preparing a child for their first scout camp experience (disclosing that there is no Santa Claus, just in case the subject comes up, but failing to warn against taking along a teddy bear).

Suffice it to say that the summer was jam packed with life lessons and observations. In the end, she was glad that she gave herself and her sons at least one summer where home and family were the center around which their time revolved.

A splash of serendipity is the discovery of her publisher: Helping Families Be Happy. http://www.familius.com/

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/pam-lob...

[Rita · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a book club pick, so let me start by saying I’m definitely not the target demographic for this book. I’ve never been interested in over scheduling my kid because I don’t want to be over scheduled myself. So the whole idea of a “1950’s” summer where you do nothing just sounds like summer to me. I liked the story, there were some good tidbits in there, but it felt a lot like they just went right back to their over scheduled lives as soon as summer ended so I guess I didn’t understand the point of writing a book about it. Maybe I missed something. I did like the authors writing style though, she is witty and I enjoyed that.

[Susan · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting little book that I thought would be more parenting guide than memoir, and I wound up liking it more than I thought I would for that same reason, Pam Lobley writes about how she took a summer off with her 2 boys, aged 8 and 10 at the time, from doing anything that was expected of modern moms and had a "1950s" summer (with lots of video game time, though). Being kind of a relaxed mom myself, I related to her, and having a son who is a homebody at heart, I saw my own son in her portrayal of her boys, who would often rather stay home and play legos or video games than go out and do stuff, even stuff they enjoy once they've started. Life is often paced too fast these days, with school now taking up a solid 8 hours once you add in transportation time, some days more, if your kid attends a school with lots of homework. Add in the expectations of basically resume-building for our children with lessons and sports and clubs... I often wonder if most of us don't hate what childhood has become these days. The most delightful parts of the book were when Lobley pointed out how while everyone was more relaxed, the constant togetherness with her children made her irritable and a little crazy at times, especially by the end of the summer. Preach sister. There's a way to balance it out, though, right? If anyone finds out, I want to know the secret. 3.5 stars rounded up.