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Come Back, Barbara
"Mom, Dad, I don’t want your rules and morals. I don’t want to act like a Christian anymore! And I’m not going to," Barbara declared at age 18. As her father desperately attempted to reason with her, Barbara grew more resentful, choosing a path of immorality that only deepened her parents’ pain.
"I am not ignorant of human depravity," writes C. John Miller, "but I had long denied that it could exist in our family." That reality, however, forced him to confront his own sin, seek forgiveness, admit his inability to change his wayward daughter, and begin loving Barbara on God's terms.
Here "Jack" Miller and Barbara Miller Juliani chronicle their journey from grief and conflict to joyful reconciliation. Come Back, Barbara is thus an irresistible portrayal of God's grace to the Millers and us all. With newly added study questions, this book offers invaluable lessons about facing our own struggles with humility, courage, and hope.
"I am not ignorant of human depravity," writes C. John Miller, "but I had long denied that it could exist in our family." That reality, however, forced him to confront his own sin, seek forgiveness, admit his inability to change his wayward daughter, and begin loving Barbara on God's terms.
Here "Jack" Miller and Barbara Miller Juliani chronicle their journey from grief and conflict to joyful reconciliation. Come Back, Barbara is thus an irresistible portrayal of God's grace to the Millers and us all. With newly added study questions, this book offers invaluable lessons about facing our own struggles with humility, courage, and hope.
184 pages, Paperback
First published July 1, 1988
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews
November 13, 2023
I highly recommend this if you have a child who is straying from the faith or if you just want to get a picture of how to treat unbelievers in general, especially ones that you love. Extremely helpful and hopeful.
August 22, 2022
This was beautiful. It’s the story of God’s work in bringing to repentance and (greater) faith father, mother, and daughter. It’s insightfully told from the perspective of all three, but mostly father and daughter. It is incredibly helpful to read in relating to anyone you have tension with regarding Christian faith because ultimately it deals with just that: your faith. Your work on the tension with others will be an outworking of His work in you.
This book along with the short read by the same author: Dealing with Rejection: How to respond to deep hurt, both helped me see sins I was blind to, receive forgiveness for them, and forgive others freely. Praise the Lord for the forgiveness of sins and the peace, joy, and love that follow!
This book along with the short read by the same author: Dealing with Rejection: How to respond to deep hurt, both helped me see sins I was blind to, receive forgiveness for them, and forgive others freely. Praise the Lord for the forgiveness of sins and the peace, joy, and love that follow!
December 25, 2017
Can’t wait to meet this man in heaven. Wonderful and vulnerable story of parents that love and screw up and trust in gospel grace, the power of prayer and their strong God.
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July 13, 2024Update 2024: I would never write the below review today. I wouldn’t read this book today. What my child needed was an emotionally healthy, supportive parent. Not one that required certain beliefs or behaviors as a cost of admission. Not one that needed to create an extension of myself to feel successful but merely a guide to help them become whoever they were going to be and fully love and accept them. I wish I had done that sooner but it’s what I ended up choosing eventually and all my children and my partner and I are better for it. The communities we were in that thought that healing could only look this way would not accept us when we found that healing outside of their system and realized that healing from it was actually the best medicine.
Previous review:
I read this after asking myself how do you disciple a child who is rejecting faith and yet struggles in a way where you know faith is what they need. Is there a book for that? I found this. Both daughter and father write this honestly and poignantly and I am still processing what I learned. If you have done “what they told you to do” and your child has gone the opposite direction anyway, this book will be a soothing balm that will help you look inward and then give you the strength to move forward in love. It also emphasizes that we aren’t the saviors of our children no matter what book we’ve read or what method we implement. I found comfort in the father’s humility as a well respected pastor and seminary professor who learned to submit his sadness, fear and shame to the Lord even as people judged and watched. He never stopped loving, even when it hurt. But there was a process to figuring out what that love would look like. Mistakes were made. Reading that made me feel like I could press on.
Previous review:
I read this after asking myself how do you disciple a child who is rejecting faith and yet struggles in a way where you know faith is what they need. Is there a book for that? I found this. Both daughter and father write this honestly and poignantly and I am still processing what I learned. If you have done “what they told you to do” and your child has gone the opposite direction anyway, this book will be a soothing balm that will help you look inward and then give you the strength to move forward in love. It also emphasizes that we aren’t the saviors of our children no matter what book we’ve read or what method we implement. I found comfort in the father’s humility as a well respected pastor and seminary professor who learned to submit his sadness, fear and shame to the Lord even as people judged and watched. He never stopped loving, even when it hurt. But there was a process to figuring out what that love would look like. Mistakes were made. Reading that made me feel like I could press on.
July 21, 2017
I needed to read this particular book at this particular time.
March 29, 2021
Could hardly put this down. This has the most honest account of how to parent a prodigal wrongly and then how God's grace turned the parents around so that they could truely love their daughter through many painful times for all of them. I love that we get both father's and daughter's perspective. I love that this, of course, doesn't offer a quick fix. The onus is on the parent to change. I'm going to read the many bits I've highlighted again and pray through them all.
May 26, 2017
This book gave me hope again. It's a wonderful book written by a father and his daughter about the many challenges they faced as parents and as a daughter growing up in a Christian home. This book tells the story from both the father's and the daughter's perspective about the journey each of them experienced and on the lessons that each of them learned about themselves as the daughter turned away from God and then eventually returned to Him.
February 5, 2018
This is a great book, full of rich truth and transparency. I liked how it was told from the perspective of both father and daughter. Although I don't yet have children, I felt it challenged me in the ways my own heart can hold some of the same attitudes described in the book. I would recommend this book.
December 8, 2017
This is not only a book for Christian parents who seek to see their child or children truly love God with transformed hearts, but those of us reaching out to and loving people that are trying to satisfy their happiness with everything but Jesus Christ. Highly recommended.
December 27, 2018
Father and daughter C. John Miller and Barbara Miller Juliani team up to share Barbara’s prodigal daughter story from both sides in Come Back, Barbara. In each chapter John – also known as Jack – shares situations from his point of view at the time, then Barbara shares hers.
Miller and his wife, Rose Marie, thought they had a fairly normal Christian family until Barbara suddenly announced at eighteen that she wanted nothing to do with their rules and their Christianity any more. She wanted freedom on every level. The Millers were stunned. They had caught Barbara in a few lies over the years but thought those were isolated incidents. Her outward conformity for most of her life had fooled them into believing her heart was right as well. They realized they had been mistaken in not looking below the surface.
There’s no five-step foolproof plan to winning back a prodigal, but Jack shares some of what he learned. First, he had to realize he was truly powerless. All his efforts backfired. Often control is the first weapon against rebellious children. Of course, some degree of control is necessary in raising children, but parents “have to confront your own manipulative techniques of consolidating power” (p. 160).
He had to give up control to God and depend on Him to draw Barbara to Himself. He also had to confront his own sins, realizing the irony of God’s using a rebellious child to show him his own heart.
And he had to genuinely apologize to Barbara. Even though he felt wronged and wounded, he could not hold on to victim status. He had to confess his wrongs whether she did or not. And that humility and honesty was a step in the right direction in their relationship.
They just had to accept that she was not a believer and treat her as they would any other unbeliever. They just had to show her Christ’s love. That didn’t mean accepting everything she did, but she knew where they disagreed. They asked that some things not be done in their house.
Showing such love in the face of disdain and rebellion is exactly what God has done for us. “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8, NASB). Drawing from His love and grace enabled them to show love and grace to Barbara.
At one point Barbara had “come back” in the sense of “settling down,” becoming responsible, not engaging in destructive behaviors. But she still was not a believer. As Jack pressed that point, it led to a major battle between him and Barbara.
Barbara, meanwhile, began “groping for the light while still resisting it” (p. 139). “Many painful things happened to me during this period, but the work of the Holy Spirit was to gently lead me from darkness to light” (p. 167). She described it like walking into a large, dark room, turning on the nearest lamp, moving to another area and turning on another lamp, continuing until there’s enough light to clearly see. She didn’t think she could have stood it if God had turned all the lights on at once. “Instead, God showed me the truth about myself bit by bit, in pieces I could handle” (p. 167.) One “light” was the realization that the things she thought would bring her happiness and allay her insecurities and anxiety could not. She was still unhappy, anxious, and insecure though at one time she had everything she thought she wanted. Another “light” was realizing her tendency to deceive and blame-shift. One by one God opened her eyes to the needs of her own heart and to His love.
Miller and his wife, Rose Marie, thought they had a fairly normal Christian family until Barbara suddenly announced at eighteen that she wanted nothing to do with their rules and their Christianity any more. She wanted freedom on every level. The Millers were stunned. They had caught Barbara in a few lies over the years but thought those were isolated incidents. Her outward conformity for most of her life had fooled them into believing her heart was right as well. They realized they had been mistaken in not looking below the surface.
There’s no five-step foolproof plan to winning back a prodigal, but Jack shares some of what he learned. First, he had to realize he was truly powerless. All his efforts backfired. Often control is the first weapon against rebellious children. Of course, some degree of control is necessary in raising children, but parents “have to confront your own manipulative techniques of consolidating power” (p. 160).
He had to give up control to God and depend on Him to draw Barbara to Himself. He also had to confront his own sins, realizing the irony of God’s using a rebellious child to show him his own heart.
And he had to genuinely apologize to Barbara. Even though he felt wronged and wounded, he could not hold on to victim status. He had to confess his wrongs whether she did or not. And that humility and honesty was a step in the right direction in their relationship.
They just had to accept that she was not a believer and treat her as they would any other unbeliever. They just had to show her Christ’s love. That didn’t mean accepting everything she did, but she knew where they disagreed. They asked that some things not be done in their house.
Showing such love in the face of disdain and rebellion is exactly what God has done for us. “God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8, NASB). Drawing from His love and grace enabled them to show love and grace to Barbara.
At one point Barbara had “come back” in the sense of “settling down,” becoming responsible, not engaging in destructive behaviors. But she still was not a believer. As Jack pressed that point, it led to a major battle between him and Barbara.
Barbara, meanwhile, began “groping for the light while still resisting it” (p. 139). “Many painful things happened to me during this period, but the work of the Holy Spirit was to gently lead me from darkness to light” (p. 167). She described it like walking into a large, dark room, turning on the nearest lamp, moving to another area and turning on another lamp, continuing until there’s enough light to clearly see. She didn’t think she could have stood it if God had turned all the lights on at once. “Instead, God showed me the truth about myself bit by bit, in pieces I could handle” (p. 167.) One “light” was the realization that the things she thought would bring her happiness and allay her insecurities and anxiety could not. She was still unhappy, anxious, and insecure though at one time she had everything she thought she wanted. Another “light” was realizing her tendency to deceive and blame-shift. One by one God opened her eyes to the needs of her own heart and to His love.
March 12, 2020
This is a helpful true story for parents of prodigals or rebellious teens. Told from alternating perspectives, that of the father and then the daughter (Barbara), the reader gets to see how both felt and acted during Barbara’s journey from the Christian faith and back again. The “back again” portion is in some ways the most encouraging, but I found the earlier chapters to be most helpful, when the battle was still raging for Barbara’s heart and soul. As parents it is all too easy to feel crushed by a child who rejects us and our values, but when we keep in mind that they are LOST, they are “apart from Christ, without hope in this world,” (as the Bible puts it), we can turn from bitterness to compassion, from anger and hurt, to love. This is no small turning point, and not only ushers in greater peace for the believing parent, but helps us pray better for the lost soul. For instance, instead of agonizing over why a child raised in the faith, (who should know better) can behave in ways contrary to it, one can begin to understand. A person who is spiritually dead in sin really doesn’t know better. They don’t have “eyes to see” or “ears to hear,” and therefore need prayer for God’s mercy to grant both. The bottom line is that we can lean into God more, indulge hurt feelings less, and experience a greater degree of the joy we have in Christ, even while our beloved lost soul continues in their rebellion. I highly recommend this book for hurting parents and all in ministry to families.
January 28, 2025
This book was recommended to me several times, and I'm so glad I read it. It is written from perspectives of both the parent (father) and the prodigal child. (The mother makes several appearances, and it would've been interesting to hear her perspective as well. There is clearly a different viewpoint there.)
This book makes it clear that the only way a child finds his or her way back to God is through God Himself. Parents are merely vessels of His love, patient truth and prayer. Yet there are many ways that as caring parents we can hinder the work of God in our kids' lives by doing what *we* think is best, rather than relying on the Holy Spirit to work in and through us. Obedience and trust are what are required of parents, not blind conversations, unjust consequences and ungodly firm boundaries.
In this story, a lot of change occurs when the child sees God working in their parents' lives. By asking for forgiveness for wrongs done, trust is built and openness achieved. It's a beautiful story of redemption and growth.
Often in these stories of redemption, growth and change will happen with everyone involved, not just the prodigal. What a gift! Please see highlights for quotes.
This book makes it clear that the only way a child finds his or her way back to God is through God Himself. Parents are merely vessels of His love, patient truth and prayer. Yet there are many ways that as caring parents we can hinder the work of God in our kids' lives by doing what *we* think is best, rather than relying on the Holy Spirit to work in and through us. Obedience and trust are what are required of parents, not blind conversations, unjust consequences and ungodly firm boundaries.
In this story, a lot of change occurs when the child sees God working in their parents' lives. By asking for forgiveness for wrongs done, trust is built and openness achieved. It's a beautiful story of redemption and growth.
Often in these stories of redemption, growth and change will happen with everyone involved, not just the prodigal. What a gift! Please see highlights for quotes.
August 22, 2017
Moving account of the departure and return of a prodigal daughter, from both parent and prodigal perspectives. Learning from how Jack Miller addressed his own sins and need for spiritual growth while facing his daughter's rebellion is especially helpful. While there is counsel directed at the reader in these pages, this book is far more about sharing the experience than about teaching didactically. That said, the instructions given regarding forgiveness are confused, all the more so for being an attempted corrective! The worry about apostasy is muddled as well.
I'd recommend reading this together with Harvey & Gilbert's Letting Go. That more didactic work is clearer on forgiveness, but weaker on how parents can address and deal with their own sins. Letting Go is more instructive, Come Back, Barbara more affecting. Together, the two books address the head and the heart in profound ways.
I'd recommend reading this together with Harvey & Gilbert's Letting Go. That more didactic work is clearer on forgiveness, but weaker on how parents can address and deal with their own sins. Letting Go is more instructive, Come Back, Barbara more affecting. Together, the two books address the head and the heart in profound ways.
September 13, 2022
Wow. This book is phenomenal. What a gospel centered treasure for parents grieving children who are rejecting Christ. I soaked up every page of this book that is full of wisdom and truth.
I was so encouraged with hope and deeply challenged to surrender my own fleshly idols of control.
One of my main takeaways is that some of the best first steps a parent in this situation can take is to continuously repent of your own sin, surrendering your pride (and pain) to the Lord Jesus, and commit yourself to regular and persistent prayer.
Prayer for yourself: that you would have an “enduring love” for your child that is unconditional; that you would surrender control of your life and your family to Jesus.
Prayer for your child: specific ways that the Lord would reveal His perfect love to him/her and release them from their own blindness and seeking relief from the world.
I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I plan to reread my notes again. I highlighted so much!
I was so encouraged with hope and deeply challenged to surrender my own fleshly idols of control.
One of my main takeaways is that some of the best first steps a parent in this situation can take is to continuously repent of your own sin, surrendering your pride (and pain) to the Lord Jesus, and commit yourself to regular and persistent prayer.
Prayer for yourself: that you would have an “enduring love” for your child that is unconditional; that you would surrender control of your life and your family to Jesus.
Prayer for your child: specific ways that the Lord would reveal His perfect love to him/her and release them from their own blindness and seeking relief from the world.
I cannot recommend this book highly enough. I plan to reread my notes again. I highlighted so much!
August 2, 2019
What an outstanding book. The book deals with the real life struggle of parents whose daughter has rejected the Christian faith she has been brought up in, hence the title, "Come Back, Barbara". Though it might be assumed it's aimed at families with the same struggle I would highly recommend it (and have) to any family desiring to truly raise their children in the "love and admonition of the Lord" as it gives excellent directions to help navigate common pitfalls of Christian parenting. The structure of the book is somewhat unique in that each chapter features the parent's account of various family events and then the daughter's response to those same events.
There is also a study guide in the back of the book with thought provoking questions for each chapter.
There is also a study guide in the back of the book with thought provoking questions for each chapter.
September 30, 2019
I picked up this book because Jack Miller has been such a blessing to me through his writing and lasting influence.
The strengths of the book are the usual strengths you find with anything by Jack Miller: an honest and searching discussion of inner motives and spiritual dynamics, an openness about his own failures and shortcomings, and a window into the heart and mind of a man who was a bold pace-setting disciple. In addition to these usual strengths, it was very nice to read Barbara's reflections on her own journey and to hear her describe it all in her own voice.
Because of the gentle but firm pastoral heart behind the writing, I would not hesitate to recommend this book to parents dealing with an estranged or wandering child.
The strengths of the book are the usual strengths you find with anything by Jack Miller: an honest and searching discussion of inner motives and spiritual dynamics, an openness about his own failures and shortcomings, and a window into the heart and mind of a man who was a bold pace-setting disciple. In addition to these usual strengths, it was very nice to read Barbara's reflections on her own journey and to hear her describe it all in her own voice.
Because of the gentle but firm pastoral heart behind the writing, I would not hesitate to recommend this book to parents dealing with an estranged or wandering child.
June 7, 2021
My rating may change later, after I've had a chance to think over some of the theology points and discuss those with my husband. There is a strong emphasis on Sonship theology in places, and while most of what is said seems to be simply and directly Biblical, a few phrases here and there gave me pause.
All of that aside, it's very helpful just to read a story of anyone who is attempting to help in a Biblical way a child/relative/person who has rejected Christianity, and even more so to get the other side of the story and understand the 'rejecter's actions and reactions a little better. I especially appreciated hearing about some of the really specific ways they prayed for Barbara during this time.
All of that aside, it's very helpful just to read a story of anyone who is attempting to help in a Biblical way a child/relative/person who has rejected Christianity, and even more so to get the other side of the story and understand the 'rejecter's actions and reactions a little better. I especially appreciated hearing about some of the really specific ways they prayed for Barbara during this time.
August 8, 2023
This is a short read about a daughter who was pursued by God and pursued by her parents. It is co-written with the dad and daughter so that you hear both sides of the story through that time of wrestling—for both sides.
This book was very encouraging and challenging to me as I parent teenagers. I walked away with some helpful thoughts in my current context as I watched the parents respond to their daughters rejection of them and of God, and also what God did in the parents and their daughter to change them. It was very impactful!
A good read for any parent…but it would especially breath life and hope into a parent who has a wayward or unbelieving child.
*listened to the audiobook version. Read by a man and a woman for the respective authors.
This book was very encouraging and challenging to me as I parent teenagers. I walked away with some helpful thoughts in my current context as I watched the parents respond to their daughters rejection of them and of God, and also what God did in the parents and their daughter to change them. It was very impactful!
A good read for any parent…but it would especially breath life and hope into a parent who has a wayward or unbelieving child.
*listened to the audiobook version. Read by a man and a woman for the respective authors.
January 11, 2024
This is a book, if you have a prodigal, your heart needs to be ready to read and hear the Holy Spirit speak. I originally started this book in Jan 2022. My heart was not ready then. Today, it was. I read it in one sitting & am astonished at the number of places this mimics our life with our prodigal. The Holy Spirit has convicted me of areas where my focus has been askew. My prayers for my prodigal have been changing & this book caused me to pause and look deep inside myself. Thank you both for sharing your story. (There is even a person mentioned in the book that shared our daughters biological last name….um, ok Lord! You 100% have my attention!!)
January 7, 2021
A good reminder for me of what my Mom said to us the Christmas before she died. “We don’t know what’s coming. We do know God has a plan, and it’s a good plan and He will take care of us. Come what may.”
I hope and pray, but I often fail to accept that I need to keep my eyes toward God and remember the long game. I want answers to prayer now. I want changes now. God is faithful.
Thanks for the book, Laura. I am encouraged by it and by your friendship. 😘
I hope and pray, but I often fail to accept that I need to keep my eyes toward God and remember the long game. I want answers to prayer now. I want changes now. God is faithful.
Thanks for the book, Laura. I am encouraged by it and by your friendship. 😘
August 4, 2024
5 stars for being one that deeply moved my heart.
This book may be titled as a story of the redemption of the prodigal daughter, but in fact, it’s a story of the redemption of both ‘sons’ of the parable that Jesus tells of the prodigal son. The humbling of both John and Barbara (as well as the mother, Rose Marie) is a glorious vision of what happens when we recognize the lavish love of the Father in light of our own visible or silent rebellion.
This book may be titled as a story of the redemption of the prodigal daughter, but in fact, it’s a story of the redemption of both ‘sons’ of the parable that Jesus tells of the prodigal son. The humbling of both John and Barbara (as well as the mother, Rose Marie) is a glorious vision of what happens when we recognize the lavish love of the Father in light of our own visible or silent rebellion.
September 5, 2024
This book is helpful to any Christian parent or parental figure that loves a teen or adult who rebels against God, or a parent who sees their child leaning in that direction. I found it to be a clear reflection of the lives of so many people that I know and have known, and my own life as a rebellious teen. Reading this has been vital in teaching me to love, and to step back in faith as the Holy Spirit does his own work.
December 21, 2019
A story about a prodigal who turns her back on God, but God had other plans and ultimately pursues her and brings her back to Himself. A book that needs to be read by all who is fighting for family members and friends. I’m so glad my mom introduced it to me because I needed to read on how a father and mother fought for their daughter, because I’m fighting for my sister.
June 18, 2019
Helpful
I was struggling with s bit of worry for one of my kids, but I really appreciated the Dad's and daughter's perspective through different points in time and just how God didn't just work on the daughter, but on the parents, too.
I was struggling with s bit of worry for one of my kids, but I really appreciated the Dad's and daughter's perspective through different points in time and just how God didn't just work on the daughter, but on the parents, too.
December 15, 2019
An encouraging story of a prodigal coming home. Each chapter has two sections: the father and daughter each commenting on the same events, giving their differing views. The book would have been better minus the Sonship theology!
August 3, 2021
The prodigal comes home. Jack and Rose Marie are modern day 'Monicas' praying their daughter back into the Christian faith. This book definitely inspires hope much for those who are still in the thick of parenting.
July 13, 2022
This true story is about a daughter turning from her Christian family and practical ways her parents dealt with a prodigal daughter. It is written from two viewpoints, first your read the father’s then the daughter’s.
It references Philadelphia, Westminster Seminary which are dear to my heart.
It references Philadelphia, Westminster Seminary which are dear to my heart.
August 6, 2017
I enjoyed Barbara's responses more than the fathers accounts.
August 12, 2017
If you have a child (particularly an adult or near to adulthood child) that has rejected the faith, this book is extremely encouraging, hopeful, and convicting in the very best of ways.
January 5, 2018
If you can do this, you will win
For hurting Christian parents whose adult children have broken their hearts and see no fault of their own. I can’t do it. Maybe you can.
For hurting Christian parents whose adult children have broken their hearts and see no fault of their own. I can’t do it. Maybe you can.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 60 reviews