Sharing the Covers: Every Couple's Guide to Better Sleep

by Wendy M. Troxel

Help your relationships and your body with this definitive guide on sleep for couples—with proven strategies to improve both sleep and relationship health—by a clinical psychologist named as one of the top experts on the science of sleep.Dr. Wendy Troxel is a clinical psychologist and behavioral sleep specialist whose work is frequently cited in major media outlets as well as in recent bestselling books like Arianna Huffington's The Sleep Revolution and Dr. Matthew Walker's Why We Sleep. Dr. Troxel's mission is teaching couples to prioritize sleep and helping them find solutions to maximize the sleep quality for both partners, whether sleeping together or apart.Dr. Troxel says "Great sleep is the new great sex." In Sharing the Covers, she shows couples how vital it is to "sleep like your relationship depends on it"—because in many cases, it does. With popular science and an in-depth understanding of a couple's relationship to sleep and to each other on her side, Dr. Troxel leads couples through an entirely different kind of sleep book. She tells readers how Manage sleep cycles and sleep disordersMaintain a healthy sex lifeDecide on whether to ask for a "sleep divorce" and more A good night's sleep is critical to any relationship. Whether it's stress, snoring, or insomnia that's keeping you up, Sharing the Covers will help couples get back to sleep and get back to each other.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Health

272 pages, Hardcover

Published April 20, 2021

Reviews

[Meghan · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was received as an ARC from Hachette Book Group - Hachette Go in exchange for an honest review. Opinions and thoughts expressed in this review are completely my own.

This is definite a new problem for me and this book could not have been released at a better time. Ever since I got married, sleep has been an issue. I am very warm blooded and get quite warm during the night but, I have to keep a blanket on me due to my sense of security while I sleep and I needed some answers and this book was very insightful in doing that. The language Dr. Wendy Troxel used in this book was technical but understandable and one of the reasons I love my job as a librarian are the opportunities you get to learn something new and the advice given in this book was a whole new learning experience for me. I know a lot of our patrons in our library community also struggle with this issue and I am happy to recommend this book to them.

We will consider adding this title to our R Non-Fiction collection at our library. That is why we give this book 4 stars.

[Kara of BookishBytes · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've read several book on sleep and this is a good one. The author addresses the obvious situation that many of us deal with but that hasn't been addressed in other books I've read: Many of us sleep with a partner and the quality of our individual sleep can be affected by that partner.

So many of the solutions to better sleep need to be a team effort. Snoring? Mis-matched sleep schedules? Different preferences for your sleep environment? Different sleep expectations? The author provides questionnaires and checklists that can help couples discuss the factors that are preventing one or both of them from sleeping well.

She also suggests concrete ways that partners can support each other in their quest for sleep--up to and including sleeping in separate rooms. Throughout, her focus is on maintaining or improving the partners' relationship itself, which I thought was the right way to set priorities.

[Carlos Eduardo Madureira Trufen · Rating 4 out of 5]

The author balances telling the story of some of her patients with explaining concepts regarding couples and sleep. Sometimes, she delves into an example and proposes solutions. A few times, though, the issue sounded off topic, and brought unwillingly to sleep matters. Anyway, we are given great ideas on how to manage different sleeping cycles, and shown how sleep affects our lives in different ways.

[E G Melby · Rating 3 out of 5]

Questionable as to our execution, but we both have takeaways

[Kate (reeder_reads) · Rating 3 out of 5]

Disclaimer: I'm probably not the target audience for this book. Yes, I'm married and share a bed with my husband, however, I am an EXCELLENT sleeper. Stressed? I can sleep. Anxious? Sure, I'll nap. So, sleeping isn't a problem for me, but I was interested to learn new data surrounding couples' sleeping habits.

Troxel writes in a way that kept me wanting to read more. For nonfiction, this was a fast read. I loved how each chapter tackled a different aspect of sleep as it relates to your romantic relationship. Each chapter also ended with a Shared Sleep Action Plan. Plans included discussion questions, activities, and/or quizzes that couples complete together. It's one thing to read about data, it's another thing to actively work through the data. The action plans were super solution oriented and I think readers who are struggling with sleep will appreciate that.

My favorite quote was "more than anything, this book was designed to help you and your partner open the conversation about a significant and important part of your life"...SLEEP! This book did that for me.

I am giving this book three stars because I really enjoyed it. I think a reader with young children, a sleep disorder, etc. would really benefit from reading this book and might rate it higher than me.

Thank you, NetGalley and Hachette Books for the free copy in exchange for my honest review. The review will be posted on my instagram account as well: @reeder_reads

[Kristen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having heard Dr. Wendy Troxel compel professionals at sleep conferences on occasion over the years, I’m happy to report that _Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep_ is as engaging. _Sharing the Covers_ is part educational, on the importance of prioritizing sleep among couples, and part instructional on how to do so-- whether sleeping together or apart. She jumps right into the (hot)bed of the “sleep divorce.” Troxel is not a fan of the loaded term in reference to a couple’s decision to sleep apart. (The first time I heard the term was in this New York Times article: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/07/31/fa....) Regarding couples sleeping together or apart, different strokes for different folks according to Troxel. She emphasizes that how couples come to this decision is far more important than what they decide.

_Sharing the Covers_ is well-structured. Each chapter is independent; readers do not have to start at the beginning or read every chapter. Chapters also end with Shared Sleep Action Plans with quizzes, discussion questions, and activities. Other bright spots include the rich history on cultural sleeping arrangements across the ages and Troxel’s adequate and helpful guidance around child and family sleep issues. Delightful, too, is learning from an expert that feels approachable. A relatable scholar, Troxel opens up about her initial decision to co-sleep with her babies and recounts driving away from the gas station on one sleep-deprived occasion with the pump still attached to her car. This authentic self-disclosure combined with an incorporation of research at a dose that is entertaining and natural yields a unique, refreshing voice.

Correlations between sleep loss and risk factors are presented as fodder for worry for both individuals in relationships and for imperfect sleepers, which is a bit of a damper. The mention of a correlation between sleep deprivation and decreased testosterone in men, for example, is followed by the warning that for those intending to plan for a family “it is time to start thinking about your sleep.” The study, though, was of men randomly assigned to only five hours of sleep nightly, considerably less cumulative sleep than that obtained by the average man. The implication of the long list of correlations between sleep loss and risk factors for dysfunction is that couples experiencing these risk factors need to fix their sleep to fix their relationship. Critical? It could be due to lack of sleep. Contemptuous? Could be lack of sleep. Not funny enough? Lack of sleep. Stonewalling? You guessed it. . . Defensive? . . . It goes on. But correlation doesn’t equal causation (cue Research Methods 101) ; there could be about a hundred other contributors to these relationship risk factors.

Considerable attention is also given to the importance of getting more sleep, which while seemingly benign, is the kind of messaging that spooks people with insomnia. Broad-sweeping public health teasers can bombard and consume their minds. Think of “when you sleep better you look better” and “most adults need eight hours of sleep” as the creepy clowns of insomniacs, who are not sleepless by choice. If you are on the short end of the eight-hour bell curve, a biologically short-sleeper, however hard you try to get that much sleep, you won’t. In fact, the harder you try, the less you sleep. A word to the (insomnia) wise: The studies cited in this book on sleep loss are of good sleepers whose sleep is intentionally shortened for the purpose of the study. The consequences of dramatically curtailed sleep among good sleepers do not necessarily generalize to people with insomnia. In other words, dear ones with insomnia, she’s not talking to you here. Alas, few good reads are without a cautionary tale or two.

Juiciest Morsel? There are many tantalizing features, but my favorite is Troxel’s “pillow talk,” her gentle yet compelling reminder of what can happen when you lie next to your lover, why we sleep together, what it is all about at the end of the day. She includes an Esther Perel quote about how in the 21st century the last thing we stroke before bed and the first thing we stroke in the morning is. . . our phone. (Am I the only one crying a little?) Troxel advises that regardless of our decision to sleep together or apart, the intimate ritual of pillow talk-- that time of closeness physically and emotionally, however brief--is worth protecting and cherishing.

The Nod. I recommend Sharing the Covers for couples struggling with their shared or family sleep environment or routine. Troxel’s book is solution-focused, well-designed, entertaining, and informative.

Happy reading and sweet dreams in 2022.

[Sam · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is very informative and where I would refer a friend, who is dealing with problems regarding sleeping with their partner. Troxel speaks of this topic without judgment and makes it easier to broach this conversation with your partner. Along with how to help smooth things out in the interim. Because as Troxel talks about when people aren't sleeping well it is easy to take that out on our partners.

This book covers so much, and I feel like I can't begin to express what Troxel speaks of because they do so in such a great way where the book is better than any summary.

*I received a free copy of this book via Netgalley in exchange for a review, all opinions are my own*

[Rob · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good summary of common sleep issues and remedies, but in the context of living and sleeping with someone else. Some of the basic principles of cognitive behavioral therapy for isomnia - like don't use bed for anything but sleep and sex, get up if you can't fall asleep, keep to a regular schedule even if you don't sleep well, and stop talking about your sleep problems or worrying about it because it makes them worse. Every chapter basically ends the same - talk with your partner and work things out, and don't be afraid to sleep separately, have separate covers, or make other adjustments if that's what it takes to get good sleep - because not getting good sleep can wreck the relationship.

[Lisa Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

An engaging read with practical advice backed by research. Troxel knows her stuff! The book is organized so you can go directly to the chapters that are most relevant and come away with helpful information, including what the research says, as well as vignettes of how Troxel has worked with various clients.