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The Promise That Changes Everything
How often do you interrupt? How often do people interrupt you? Can you remember the last time someone listened to you all the way through your thinking?
In a time when communication is more challenging than ever and relationships need to be nurtured, listening to one another could not be more important. In her new book, Nancy Kline, bestselling author of Time To Think, suggests that for us to radically improve our communication we should make the promise 'I won't interrupt you'.
This promise matters because when we interrupt each other, we interrupt our thinking, and that interrupts the quality of everything we do. By making this promise to our colleagues and loved ones we can deepen our relationships, increase our productivity, and enjoy deeper, richer conversations. It may, in fact, be the most important promise we ever make.
Nancy has spent the last three decades researching independent thought and the barriers that prevent us from thinking for ourselves. In this book she tells us the truth about the damage that interruption can cause, she shares case studies and stories from her work with clients, as well as simple ways we can improve our communication, and change our lives.
In a time when communication is more challenging than ever and relationships need to be nurtured, listening to one another could not be more important. In her new book, Nancy Kline, bestselling author of Time To Think, suggests that for us to radically improve our communication we should make the promise 'I won't interrupt you'.
This promise matters because when we interrupt each other, we interrupt our thinking, and that interrupts the quality of everything we do. By making this promise to our colleagues and loved ones we can deepen our relationships, increase our productivity, and enjoy deeper, richer conversations. It may, in fact, be the most important promise we ever make.
Nancy has spent the last three decades researching independent thought and the barriers that prevent us from thinking for ourselves. In this book she tells us the truth about the damage that interruption can cause, she shares case studies and stories from her work with clients, as well as simple ways we can improve our communication, and change our lives.
256 pages, Paperback
Published October 29, 2020
58 people are currently reading
428 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews
November 16, 2020
The Promise That Changes Everything is an interesting deep dive into communication, and a really thought-provoking read. I haven’t come across a book that breaks down such a common habit in this way before, so it was a study I was excited to explore. The book is a great analysis of interruption, especially during a time when listening to one another could not be more important. There are useful and practical steps to improving conversation, which in turn boosts our relationships and everyday exchanges. And I really like how the author links disruption to productivity, especially as this is something I’m always trying to refine.
Nancy Kline’s understanding is prevalent particularly when it comes to deeper conversation and independent thinking. Her writing acts as a surprising self-reflection tool, really pushing the reader to analyse and scan their own habits. The Promise That Changes Everything doesn’t read like a self-help guide and it doesn’t preach or blame. Instead, it brilliantly highlights why we should all interrupt less, think first, and listen more.
Nancy Kline’s understanding is prevalent particularly when it comes to deeper conversation and independent thinking. Her writing acts as a surprising self-reflection tool, really pushing the reader to analyse and scan their own habits. The Promise That Changes Everything doesn’t read like a self-help guide and it doesn’t preach or blame. Instead, it brilliantly highlights why we should all interrupt less, think first, and listen more.
December 18, 2022
An unusual read that represents a blurry boundary between a self-help book and a business book. It’s extremely discursive — to a fault — and the tone of the author quite often veers close to the kind of higher power woo woo that really turns me off.
However… the key recommendation does represent a very powerful challenge and I have found it useful in my daily work. Full, complete attention in listening to someone without interrupting them at all is quite the art. And it’s useful to have some example stories of how this can be transformative.
If you understand this book as a series of essays dedicated to a particular technique that could probably be filed under Non-Violent Communication (NVC), then you know what you will get here.
However… the key recommendation does represent a very powerful challenge and I have found it useful in my daily work. Full, complete attention in listening to someone without interrupting them at all is quite the art. And it’s useful to have some example stories of how this can be transformative.
If you understand this book as a series of essays dedicated to a particular technique that could probably be filed under Non-Violent Communication (NVC), then you know what you will get here.
February 10, 2021
Few books in life can leave you great lessons. And I think one that will mark me this year is “The Promise That Changes Everything: I Won’t Interrupt You” by Nancy Kline.
If we could have the ability to think for ourselves and have our own ideas, our growth as humans would be much better, however all the time we are being interrupted, approached by the thoughts of others and we are simply like computers reproducing ideas that we hear.
The book mentions the components to have conversations that truly help us grow: attention, equality (when we believe we are superior to others we do not really listen to it), being relaxed when we listen to the other, appreciate what they really say, observe their feelings, encourage them our interlocutor to grow more, share true information, appreciate and learn from differences, know how to ask questions that lead him to grow.
After reading these topics I thought that most of my conversations are superficial and nonsensical, just talk.
Regarding interruptions there are four things that prevent you from thinking for yourself because they constantly interrupt your thinking:
- Conform: try to be like others and be influenced by brands and advertising, values that do not really have to be ours.
- Digital distractions: thanks to the book I decided to turn off all the messages on my cell phone that interrupted me, I think I will improve my attention a lot.
- Persuasion, if we dedicate ourselves to persuading others of our ideas, we neither think nor let them think, nor do we learn or let them learn.
- Polarization, which makes relationships between one and the other difficult.
I believe this book will change the way I will act in front of technology and in front of others.
If we could have the ability to think for ourselves and have our own ideas, our growth as humans would be much better, however all the time we are being interrupted, approached by the thoughts of others and we are simply like computers reproducing ideas that we hear.
The book mentions the components to have conversations that truly help us grow: attention, equality (when we believe we are superior to others we do not really listen to it), being relaxed when we listen to the other, appreciate what they really say, observe their feelings, encourage them our interlocutor to grow more, share true information, appreciate and learn from differences, know how to ask questions that lead him to grow.
After reading these topics I thought that most of my conversations are superficial and nonsensical, just talk.
Regarding interruptions there are four things that prevent you from thinking for yourself because they constantly interrupt your thinking:
- Conform: try to be like others and be influenced by brands and advertising, values that do not really have to be ours.
- Digital distractions: thanks to the book I decided to turn off all the messages on my cell phone that interrupted me, I think I will improve my attention a lot.
- Persuasion, if we dedicate ourselves to persuading others of our ideas, we neither think nor let them think, nor do we learn or let them learn.
- Polarization, which makes relationships between one and the other difficult.
I believe this book will change the way I will act in front of technology and in front of others.
June 26, 2024
The quality of thinking by someone who knows that you won’t interrupt them is much improved.
This post is a brief book review of the third in a trilogy of books on this topic by listening & coaching guru Nancy Kline. I shared in my review of “More Time to Think” how that book had benefited from a decade of more practical experience since the first book “Time to Think“.
Her latest inspiring book has the Ronseal-esque title “The promise that changes everything I won’t interrupt you“. In this passionate book, Nancy shares her latest perspective, after roughly another decade of seeking to enable Thinking Environments. Thus the book provides both a restatement of her previous thinking & some fresh insights.
Has Nancy changed her mind on the Thinking Environment?
In short, no. The first part of this book is focussed on readers understanding the importance and power of what Nancy terms Independent Thinking. She rightly restates something that feels even more true in these interruption saturated times, too many people are starved of thinking for themselves.
Much of this part of the book feels like a restatement of the argument made in her first two books. However, this is also validated with a decade’s more experience. So, for example, as Nancy revises the Ten Components of a Thinking Environment, there is a nuance & recognition of challenges that was not as clear previously.
I should also say at this point that I adore Nancy’s poetic & passionate prose. Even if this book were just a restatement of her previous thinking, which it is not, it would be worth reading for that. She writes as one who has learnt her craft over years & with the wisdom of someone who has thought long & hard about this topic. So, read this book slowly, it is worth savouring.
Do you recognise what it is to interrupt?
The second part of this book is a welcome & new addition to Nancy’s thinking. Although we can all recognise our own experience of being interrupted in a conversation, we may be blind to other interruptions. Beyond just raising our self-awareness of how easily we interrupt others, Nancy shares on systemic issues.
She shares four systems of interruption that she has identified:
1. Conformonomics 2. Digitstraction
3. Persuasion
4. Polarization
291
Book Reviews to cross post to Amazon & Goodreads
Have you seen the power of promising "I won't interrupt you"?
Her reflections on each and how they are damaging the quality of all our thinking are worth further thought. Let me explain what she means by each term briefly.
Conformonomics is the revealing of how we as consumers are manipulated by shopping experiences designed to play on our behavioural economics biases. She rightly reveals how this ‘same high street everywhere‘ has reduced our discernment & reflection before responding to impulse buys.
Digistraction is exactly the topic that is tackled by both Cal Newport and Nir Eyal in their books (click on those links for past book reviews). How smartphones, social media & all digital devices have sucked us into a world of shallow thinking with regular distractions.
Persuasion is a problem that predates both the above. The dark arts of advertising & sales that are used to undermine our independent thinking. This is an interesting topic & Nancy heartily recommends some books to explore this further. Suffice to say for now we need to wake up & notice it.
Polarisation is much more obvious to anyone who has followed the news over the last decade. Whether talking about Donald Trump, Brexit or enforced Lockdowns – we live in an increasingly polarised world. Even beyond the problem of fake news, our ability to even listen to “the other” has been eroded. Some views are felt ‘beyond the pail‘. Nancy rightly highlights how this limits our thinking abilities further.
When could you offer the promise to not interrupt?
The final part of this book focusses on understanding the promise, not to interrupt. Nancy shares how & where this can help. As with her previous two books, there are plenty of case studies & a passionate call to change the world with better listening (and thus quality independent thinking).
What is new here is how Nancy pulls back the curtain & shows us how a Thinking Session can work in practice. Given the limitations of conveying what is an auditory & internal experience through the written word, she does a great job. We are given the opportunity both to prepare ourselves & then to sit down with a Thinker & Listener to go through this step by step.
As a leadership mentor myself, what I found most useful here was the internal checklist that the Listener used when invited to speak. It helped bring to life the internal decision making process need to help select a question that would help the Thinker progress. You need to buy this book & read this section to grasp it, but in summary, the listener (or coach) is mentally checking at each stage:
Are you both still committed to their Independent Thinking?
What has their independent thinking produced? (more waves of thinking? a new outcome? an assumption? a key assumption? determined if the assumption is true or limiting?)
Has their desired thinking outcome changed?
What do they need now to help them reach that outcome?
What question will meet that need?
What could you release through a promise not to interrupt?
292
Book Reviews to cross post to Amazon & Goodreads
Have you seen the power of promising "I won't interrupt you"?
Once more in this book, Nancy inspires. She inspires us to think about our businesses, relationships, families & societies could be transformed by more independent thinking. Plus, to want to enable such thinking by promising not to interrupt people.
I also find it heartening how much Nancy reveals she is still learning 30 years on. I know how often I still slip into interrupting others, occasionally even my mentoring clients. It is an addiction that is hard to give up. But this book has relit my fire to rejoin the quest.
What about you? Have you experienced being a leader who offers not to interrupt those you work with? Have you given them genuine generative attention, because you are truly fascinated by what they will think next?
If not, I encourage you to think about what you will do next. Why not take some time now to think about one thing you want to do differently? I promise not to interrupt you.
This post is a brief book review of the third in a trilogy of books on this topic by listening & coaching guru Nancy Kline. I shared in my review of “More Time to Think” how that book had benefited from a decade of more practical experience since the first book “Time to Think“.
Her latest inspiring book has the Ronseal-esque title “The promise that changes everything I won’t interrupt you“. In this passionate book, Nancy shares her latest perspective, after roughly another decade of seeking to enable Thinking Environments. Thus the book provides both a restatement of her previous thinking & some fresh insights.
Has Nancy changed her mind on the Thinking Environment?
In short, no. The first part of this book is focussed on readers understanding the importance and power of what Nancy terms Independent Thinking. She rightly restates something that feels even more true in these interruption saturated times, too many people are starved of thinking for themselves.
Much of this part of the book feels like a restatement of the argument made in her first two books. However, this is also validated with a decade’s more experience. So, for example, as Nancy revises the Ten Components of a Thinking Environment, there is a nuance & recognition of challenges that was not as clear previously.
I should also say at this point that I adore Nancy’s poetic & passionate prose. Even if this book were just a restatement of her previous thinking, which it is not, it would be worth reading for that. She writes as one who has learnt her craft over years & with the wisdom of someone who has thought long & hard about this topic. So, read this book slowly, it is worth savouring.
Do you recognise what it is to interrupt?
The second part of this book is a welcome & new addition to Nancy’s thinking. Although we can all recognise our own experience of being interrupted in a conversation, we may be blind to other interruptions. Beyond just raising our self-awareness of how easily we interrupt others, Nancy shares on systemic issues.
She shares four systems of interruption that she has identified:
1. Conformonomics 2. Digitstraction
3. Persuasion
4. Polarization
291
Book Reviews to cross post to Amazon & Goodreads
Have you seen the power of promising "I won't interrupt you"?
Her reflections on each and how they are damaging the quality of all our thinking are worth further thought. Let me explain what she means by each term briefly.
Conformonomics is the revealing of how we as consumers are manipulated by shopping experiences designed to play on our behavioural economics biases. She rightly reveals how this ‘same high street everywhere‘ has reduced our discernment & reflection before responding to impulse buys.
Digistraction is exactly the topic that is tackled by both Cal Newport and Nir Eyal in their books (click on those links for past book reviews). How smartphones, social media & all digital devices have sucked us into a world of shallow thinking with regular distractions.
Persuasion is a problem that predates both the above. The dark arts of advertising & sales that are used to undermine our independent thinking. This is an interesting topic & Nancy heartily recommends some books to explore this further. Suffice to say for now we need to wake up & notice it.
Polarisation is much more obvious to anyone who has followed the news over the last decade. Whether talking about Donald Trump, Brexit or enforced Lockdowns – we live in an increasingly polarised world. Even beyond the problem of fake news, our ability to even listen to “the other” has been eroded. Some views are felt ‘beyond the pail‘. Nancy rightly highlights how this limits our thinking abilities further.
When could you offer the promise to not interrupt?
The final part of this book focusses on understanding the promise, not to interrupt. Nancy shares how & where this can help. As with her previous two books, there are plenty of case studies & a passionate call to change the world with better listening (and thus quality independent thinking).
What is new here is how Nancy pulls back the curtain & shows us how a Thinking Session can work in practice. Given the limitations of conveying what is an auditory & internal experience through the written word, she does a great job. We are given the opportunity both to prepare ourselves & then to sit down with a Thinker & Listener to go through this step by step.
As a leadership mentor myself, what I found most useful here was the internal checklist that the Listener used when invited to speak. It helped bring to life the internal decision making process need to help select a question that would help the Thinker progress. You need to buy this book & read this section to grasp it, but in summary, the listener (or coach) is mentally checking at each stage:
Are you both still committed to their Independent Thinking?
What has their independent thinking produced? (more waves of thinking? a new outcome? an assumption? a key assumption? determined if the assumption is true or limiting?)
Has their desired thinking outcome changed?
What do they need now to help them reach that outcome?
What question will meet that need?
What could you release through a promise not to interrupt?
292
Book Reviews to cross post to Amazon & Goodreads
Have you seen the power of promising "I won't interrupt you"?
Once more in this book, Nancy inspires. She inspires us to think about our businesses, relationships, families & societies could be transformed by more independent thinking. Plus, to want to enable such thinking by promising not to interrupt people.
I also find it heartening how much Nancy reveals she is still learning 30 years on. I know how often I still slip into interrupting others, occasionally even my mentoring clients. It is an addiction that is hard to give up. But this book has relit my fire to rejoin the quest.
What about you? Have you experienced being a leader who offers not to interrupt those you work with? Have you given them genuine generative attention, because you are truly fascinated by what they will think next?
If not, I encourage you to think about what you will do next. Why not take some time now to think about one thing you want to do differently? I promise not to interrupt you.
Want to read
October 13, 2020Thank you to Penguin General UK and NetGalley for an advance copy of this book.
The Promise That Changes Everything is a book about interruption and how it affects everything from our relationships to our learning. I found a particularly insightful part of the book to be the discussions about the polarisation of people on different issues and how interruption (whether through actual or by just not listening to what they are saying) to be really interesting.
However, on the whole I found the book to be way too convoluted. It felt throughout that the author was just trying to fit in as many words as possible, which distracted completely from the main premise of the book. It felt like a book that could have been half the size if it had been more refined. The book felt like a slog and it felt like a great deal of mental effort to sit down and read it.
I think the main premise of the book exploring interruption and how it affects your life to be really worthwhile and valuable as a self reflection tool. Unfortunately I just don't think it was well executed.
The Promise That Changes Everything is a book about interruption and how it affects everything from our relationships to our learning. I found a particularly insightful part of the book to be the discussions about the polarisation of people on different issues and how interruption (whether through actual or by just not listening to what they are saying) to be really interesting.
However, on the whole I found the book to be way too convoluted. It felt throughout that the author was just trying to fit in as many words as possible, which distracted completely from the main premise of the book. It felt like a book that could have been half the size if it had been more refined. The book felt like a slog and it felt like a great deal of mental effort to sit down and read it.
I think the main premise of the book exploring interruption and how it affects your life to be really worthwhile and valuable as a self reflection tool. Unfortunately I just don't think it was well executed.
November 30, 2020
Well, I'm a fan. I have trained with Nancy, and worked with her approach for some years now, and find it very powerful and very useful. Bt is it all she claims in this book? I'm not quite sure. It is certainly a lot of what she claims, and maybe that is enough.
The book itself I found a bit of a mixed bag; though that may say more about my interests (and prejudices) than about the book itself.
But what I will say is that it is well worth reading; that there is much wisdom, of a very practical and indeed important nature, here; that trying what she says - promising not to interrupt and then honouring that promise - is both simple and difficult; and that it is the only sure way to evaluate her claims. And I promise this: that if it doesn't change everything, it will certainly change a lot, and for the better.
The book itself I found a bit of a mixed bag; though that may say more about my interests (and prejudices) than about the book itself.
But what I will say is that it is well worth reading; that there is much wisdom, of a very practical and indeed important nature, here; that trying what she says - promising not to interrupt and then honouring that promise - is both simple and difficult; and that it is the only sure way to evaluate her claims. And I promise this: that if it doesn't change everything, it will certainly change a lot, and for the better.
Read
May 29, 2021I was absolutely aligned with the message of the book before reading it. It strengthened my conviction that listening well (without judgment) and encouraging freethinking, exploratory and undirected speech can lead to transcendental moments of connection and shared personal breakthroughs. And served as a poignant reminder to myself to more often escape my own hubris as to not get in the way of these potentialities. Only gripe with the book is aesthetic: far too repetitious and the enviable passion can dip the prose into suggesting self-seriousness too often. Some more case studies would’ve nice too, not that I necessarily needed them.
March 4, 2025
A premise that allures through examples, research, case studies, and perhaps personal experience, listening without interrupting is shown to be a profound relationship, thought, and life-changing practice. Application oriented, the book offers step-by-step instructions for successfully creating “thinking environments,” where active listening (free of commentary, judgment, advice, or “digistraction”) and authentic, focused attention result in increased independent thinking and understanding.
June 22, 2021
Kline bent my reality with this beautifully simple idea, she shows us a better way of thinking, conversing, and most fundamentally listening. An absolute must read.
August 10, 2021
Another classic from Nancy Kline. When she talks, you listen. Really listen. And the world is better for it.
June 29, 2023
I loved the important message this book delivered. I found myself engaged in the beginning and losing steam at the end - a bit repetitive. I still learned and walked away with a new skill set.
June 17, 2024
Excellent read. The idea that we haven't truly thought for ourselves since age 6 and what it takes to truly listen, to allow people to think and what a thinking environment needs.
September 27, 2025
Nancy Kline is brilliant as always. This book helped me see and appreciate how many things in life interrupt our thinking.
September 11, 2023
I struggled to finish reading this book due to the way it was written (the author sounded really haughty throughout). However, its central themes/ideas of non-interruption, mutual respect and other qualities in conversations and the author's belief in the importance of fostering critical and independent thinking in oneself and others is still something I find interesting and agree with.
Displaying 1 - 14 of 14 reviews