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To Kill or Be Killed
Obviously, I knew better than to take a life — but that was before. Before him.
The day we met in October of 1997, I was working at the District Court in Traverse City, Michigan as a Deputy Clerk. It was like most other days with arraignments, sentencings, civil case hearings and the like. People shuffling in and out, everyone taking care of their important business with court appearances, document filings, paying tickets, fines and bonding loved ones out of jail.
I loved my job. It was extremely satisfying and interesting with constant interaction with all walks of life, including people on either end of the judicial spectrum and many in between. Suddenly, there he was. Tall, handsome, and looking so impressive and important in his Michigan State Police uniform with his hat, gun belt and badge. A powerful man who had chosen a profession to serve and protect. He was extremely friendly and upbeat, smiling profusely. Best of all, he, too, was unattached.
What could go wrong? He was like a dream man. We clicked, immediately, and began dating exclusively. But he was not a dream man. He was a nightmare … as I learned over the next twelve years.
Twelve years of enduring domestic violence at its absolute worse. Constant abuse, control, manipulation, and threats. Sadistic sexual deviance and sexual violence. It was only going to end one way: someone would die in our bed and someone would go to prison for murder.
This is my story about domestic violence, resilience, reckoning and survival.
The day we met in October of 1997, I was working at the District Court in Traverse City, Michigan as a Deputy Clerk. It was like most other days with arraignments, sentencings, civil case hearings and the like. People shuffling in and out, everyone taking care of their important business with court appearances, document filings, paying tickets, fines and bonding loved ones out of jail.
I loved my job. It was extremely satisfying and interesting with constant interaction with all walks of life, including people on either end of the judicial spectrum and many in between. Suddenly, there he was. Tall, handsome, and looking so impressive and important in his Michigan State Police uniform with his hat, gun belt and badge. A powerful man who had chosen a profession to serve and protect. He was extremely friendly and upbeat, smiling profusely. Best of all, he, too, was unattached.
What could go wrong? He was like a dream man. We clicked, immediately, and began dating exclusively. But he was not a dream man. He was a nightmare … as I learned over the next twelve years.
Twelve years of enduring domestic violence at its absolute worse. Constant abuse, control, manipulation, and threats. Sadistic sexual deviance and sexual violence. It was only going to end one way: someone would die in our bed and someone would go to prison for murder.
This is my story about domestic violence, resilience, reckoning and survival.
- GenresTrue CrimeNonfiction
212 pages, Kindle Edition
Published August 11, 2020
258 people are currently reading
751 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 37 reviews
March 6, 2022
Sooo yes there was some abuse of various varieties so trigger warnings all around
With that being said I felt like this woman was more disgusted about her husband’s sexual proclivities than the controlling aspects or the physical abuse she talked about. The majority of the story was about dom/sub and she felt like a whore. Always she felt like a whore…ok fine I get it. But there are tons of people out there who really enjoy that world. So I do not support the choice she made at all.
I dont know I mean like I said yes her husband was abusive I’m not downplaying that. I just get the feeling from the book (I did no internet research) that she was hyper focused on the bedroom and her husband’s behaviors. The other storyline which I thought would have been very difficult to deal with, just terrible, was actually second on her list.
With that being said I felt like this woman was more disgusted about her husband’s sexual proclivities than the controlling aspects or the physical abuse she talked about. The majority of the story was about dom/sub and she felt like a whore. Always she felt like a whore…ok fine I get it. But there are tons of people out there who really enjoy that world. So I do not support the choice she made at all.
I dont know I mean like I said yes her husband was abusive I’m not downplaying that. I just get the feeling from the book (I did no internet research) that she was hyper focused on the bedroom and her husband’s behaviors. The other storyline which I thought would have been very difficult to deal with, just terrible, was actually second on her list.
August 14, 2020
This is the author's story about domestic violence, resilience, reckoning and survival.
Married and divorced twice Joni fell for a Michigan State Police Officer. He was just what she was looking for in a man. He was a powerful man who had chosen a profession in order to serve and protect. He was friendly, caring, a complete opposite of men who had shared her life previously.
Joni spent 12 years enduring the worst nightmare ... he husband was controlling,manipulative, sadistic, and threatening. The first thing he did was mover her far away from family and friends. He took away her phone, her credit card, her money. He wanted her to spend all her time taking care of him. The longer they were married, the more violent he became.
This is her detailed account of the abuse she suffered and the result of that abuse. It's an emotional read leaving one to ask .. how did she manage to take it for so long? I thought about her long after the lights were out. I felt her fear, her hurt. I sincerely hope she has found peace in her life and the healing continues.
Many thanks to the author / Wildblue Press for the digital copy of this true crime. Read and reviewed voluntarily, opinions expressed here are unbiased and entirely my own.
Married and divorced twice Joni fell for a Michigan State Police Officer. He was just what she was looking for in a man. He was a powerful man who had chosen a profession in order to serve and protect. He was friendly, caring, a complete opposite of men who had shared her life previously.
Joni spent 12 years enduring the worst nightmare ... he husband was controlling,manipulative, sadistic, and threatening. The first thing he did was mover her far away from family and friends. He took away her phone, her credit card, her money. He wanted her to spend all her time taking care of him. The longer they were married, the more violent he became.
This is her detailed account of the abuse she suffered and the result of that abuse. It's an emotional read leaving one to ask .. how did she manage to take it for so long? I thought about her long after the lights were out. I felt her fear, her hurt. I sincerely hope she has found peace in her life and the healing continues.
Many thanks to the author / Wildblue Press for the digital copy of this true crime. Read and reviewed voluntarily, opinions expressed here are unbiased and entirely my own.
April 18, 2023
Luckily, this was included in my Audible membership! It's actually a very upsetting book, as the author lived through a horrendously abusive marriage. It does, however, highlight the plight of abused partners in certain US States, which really shocked me. It is not an uplifting story in any way - you have been warned!
July 13, 2021
OMG!!!!!
May 24, 2024
"To Kill or Be Killed: A True Crime Memoir From Prison" by Joni Ankerson offers a harrowing and intimate glimpse into the life of a woman pushed to the brink by circumstances most of us can scarcely imagine. As a true crime enthusiast, I was drawn to Ankerson's story, eager to understand the personal struggles and pivotal moments that led to her incarceration. While the memoir delivers on providing a raw and unfiltered perspective, there are aspects that left me with mixed feelings.
Joni Ankerson's writing is undeniably powerful. Her ability to convey the emotional and psychological torment she endured is both compelling and heartbreaking. The narrative is deeply personal, and Ankerson’s honesty about her life, her actions, and the aftermath is commendable. Her story of surviving an abusive relationship and the extreme measures she took to escape it is both gripping and thought-provoking.
One of the memoir's strengths lies in its authenticity. Ankerson does not shy away from the brutal realities of her life, providing readers with a vivid portrayal of the abuse she suffered and the mental toll it took on her. This unfiltered approach makes her story resonate on a deeply human level, allowing readers to empathize with her plight. Her portrayal of life in prison adds another layer of depth to the memoir, offering insights into the challenges and injustices faced by incarcerated women.
However, while the book excels in emotional depth, it occasionally falls short in narrative structure. The memoir sometimes feels disjointed, with abrupt shifts between different periods of Ankerson's life. This can make it challenging for readers to follow the timeline of events and fully grasp the progression of her experiences. A more cohesive structure would have enhanced the overall flow and impact of the narrative.
Additionally, while Ankerson’s personal story is compelling, the memoir could benefit from broader contextualization. More detailed exploration of the systemic issues surrounding domestic violence and the criminal justice system would provide a richer and more nuanced understanding of her circumstances. By delving deeper into these broader themes, the memoir could transcend its personal scope and offer more significant social commentary.
Another aspect that might polarize readers is the introspective nature of Ankerson's narrative. While her self-reflection is a crucial part of the memoir, it sometimes veers into repetitiveness, reiterating points that have already been made. This can slow down the pace of the book and detract from the overall engagement, especially for readers looking for a more straightforward recounting of events.
In conclusion, "To Kill or Be Killed: A True Crime Memoir From Prison" by Joni Ankerson is a raw and emotionally charged memoir that provides a poignant look into the life of a woman driven to extreme actions by her circumstances. Ankerson’s candid and unflinching portrayal of her experiences is both its greatest strength and its primary challenge, as the emotional intensity sometimes overshadows narrative cohesion. Despite these minor shortcomings, the memoir is a valuable and eye-opening read for those interested in true crime and the personal stories behind the headlines. Ankerson’s story is a stark reminder of the human cost of abuse and the complex realities faced by many women in the criminal justice system.
Joni Ankerson's writing is undeniably powerful. Her ability to convey the emotional and psychological torment she endured is both compelling and heartbreaking. The narrative is deeply personal, and Ankerson’s honesty about her life, her actions, and the aftermath is commendable. Her story of surviving an abusive relationship and the extreme measures she took to escape it is both gripping and thought-provoking.
One of the memoir's strengths lies in its authenticity. Ankerson does not shy away from the brutal realities of her life, providing readers with a vivid portrayal of the abuse she suffered and the mental toll it took on her. This unfiltered approach makes her story resonate on a deeply human level, allowing readers to empathize with her plight. Her portrayal of life in prison adds another layer of depth to the memoir, offering insights into the challenges and injustices faced by incarcerated women.
However, while the book excels in emotional depth, it occasionally falls short in narrative structure. The memoir sometimes feels disjointed, with abrupt shifts between different periods of Ankerson's life. This can make it challenging for readers to follow the timeline of events and fully grasp the progression of her experiences. A more cohesive structure would have enhanced the overall flow and impact of the narrative.
Additionally, while Ankerson’s personal story is compelling, the memoir could benefit from broader contextualization. More detailed exploration of the systemic issues surrounding domestic violence and the criminal justice system would provide a richer and more nuanced understanding of her circumstances. By delving deeper into these broader themes, the memoir could transcend its personal scope and offer more significant social commentary.
Another aspect that might polarize readers is the introspective nature of Ankerson's narrative. While her self-reflection is a crucial part of the memoir, it sometimes veers into repetitiveness, reiterating points that have already been made. This can slow down the pace of the book and detract from the overall engagement, especially for readers looking for a more straightforward recounting of events.
In conclusion, "To Kill or Be Killed: A True Crime Memoir From Prison" by Joni Ankerson is a raw and emotionally charged memoir that provides a poignant look into the life of a woman driven to extreme actions by her circumstances. Ankerson’s candid and unflinching portrayal of her experiences is both its greatest strength and its primary challenge, as the emotional intensity sometimes overshadows narrative cohesion. Despite these minor shortcomings, the memoir is a valuable and eye-opening read for those interested in true crime and the personal stories behind the headlines. Ankerson’s story is a stark reminder of the human cost of abuse and the complex realities faced by many women in the criminal justice system.
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August 15, 2020Sad, but inspirational as well
I had a very difficult time reading much of this book. Joni goes into detail about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband and, although it was not physical, it hit me very hard and struck a raw nerve for me way deep down inside.
She endured EXTREME mental, emotional, and sexual abuse at the hands of her husband until she saw no other choice. It was going to be either her life or his. And she did what she felt was the only thing she COULD do after trying for many, many years to endure, and several times to leave. She also knew that if she stayed she may end up taking her OWN life, as he'd driven her to try that several times also.
I'm not sure why my reaction to reading about sexual abuse is so strong, but it always is. Even when watching scenes in movies, my feelings are very visceral. Sometimes I wonder if I've blocked out something that happened to me, because I have this irrational fear that something like that will some day. But reading this book was so difficult for me in THAT regard that I couldn't read those scenes in one sitting. I had to take breaks and almost MAKE myself read them. I'm not sure if that's because of ME, or bc she wrote it so well.
So, fair warning, the scenes can be graphic - even though I'm almost positive she toned them WAY down.
There was one scene that brought me to tears. The scene with the daughter and her wedding veil. If you read the book (which I do recommend) watch for that scene where sure asks her mom to help her cut it. It's a VERY emotional & highly indicative scene showing how he was with his children.
Who should read this book? Basically, people who are interested in why women don't leave abusive relationships, or those who can't quite call what they're going through "abusive" even though they know deep down that it is.
Joni didn't allow herself to call it abuse for a long, long time. Finally, once she allowed herself to see it for what it was, she was shocked that she let her formerly strong, independent, opinionated self change so much...and to find her way back.
I only wish the story would have continued a bit as I'm aware of what happened to her past where the book ends and am curious as to her future.
I had a very difficult time reading much of this book. Joni goes into detail about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her husband and, although it was not physical, it hit me very hard and struck a raw nerve for me way deep down inside.
She endured EXTREME mental, emotional, and sexual abuse at the hands of her husband until she saw no other choice. It was going to be either her life or his. And she did what she felt was the only thing she COULD do after trying for many, many years to endure, and several times to leave. She also knew that if she stayed she may end up taking her OWN life, as he'd driven her to try that several times also.
I'm not sure why my reaction to reading about sexual abuse is so strong, but it always is. Even when watching scenes in movies, my feelings are very visceral. Sometimes I wonder if I've blocked out something that happened to me, because I have this irrational fear that something like that will some day. But reading this book was so difficult for me in THAT regard that I couldn't read those scenes in one sitting. I had to take breaks and almost MAKE myself read them. I'm not sure if that's because of ME, or bc she wrote it so well.
So, fair warning, the scenes can be graphic - even though I'm almost positive she toned them WAY down.
There was one scene that brought me to tears. The scene with the daughter and her wedding veil. If you read the book (which I do recommend) watch for that scene where sure asks her mom to help her cut it. It's a VERY emotional & highly indicative scene showing how he was with his children.
Who should read this book? Basically, people who are interested in why women don't leave abusive relationships, or those who can't quite call what they're going through "abusive" even though they know deep down that it is.
Joni didn't allow herself to call it abuse for a long, long time. Finally, once she allowed herself to see it for what it was, she was shocked that she let her formerly strong, independent, opinionated self change so much...and to find her way back.
I only wish the story would have continued a bit as I'm aware of what happened to her past where the book ends and am curious as to her future.
June 23, 2021
Warning: The abuse that Joni suffered by her husband are very difficult to read. In fact, there were moments that I almost got sick with the details that she shared of the abuse and even had to pause reading for a few. However at the same time I could not stop reading and finished this book in a matter of a few hours.
Every time I read a book where someone is experiencing abuse...emotional, physical, mental, etc, it breaks my heart. It does not have to be just women. Men go through it as well but they just don't share it as much. I could see how quickly things spiraled out of control to the point that Joni was isolated from her family and friends.
I can't say that I wish that Joni did not have to kill her husband and could have found another way as if I was in her shoes; I am not sure what I would have done. I may have felt the same way. I am glad that Joni finally found her release.
Every time I read a book where someone is experiencing abuse...emotional, physical, mental, etc, it breaks my heart. It does not have to be just women. Men go through it as well but they just don't share it as much. I could see how quickly things spiraled out of control to the point that Joni was isolated from her family and friends.
I can't say that I wish that Joni did not have to kill her husband and could have found another way as if I was in her shoes; I am not sure what I would have done. I may have felt the same way. I am glad that Joni finally found her release.
August 21, 2024
The book is definitely repetitive at times. Also, I feel like there were some inconsistencies at certain points. It's a bit difficult to follow at times.
I do not doubt this woman was a victim. As a fellow victim, I can feel it. However, I feel like most of this book focused on his interests in the bedroom and how she doesn't share those same interests vs. the actual torment he put her through and what drove her to do what she did. It comes off like "he is the way he is *because* he likes these things", when that's not the case. There's plenty of well-rounded, non-abusive people who are into some of these things. He was a horrible person simply because he was a horrible person.
I hope she's been able to find some peace over the years & that she's adjusting well to life outside of prison. I hope she sought some much needed therapy.
I do not doubt this woman was a victim. As a fellow victim, I can feel it. However, I feel like most of this book focused on his interests in the bedroom and how she doesn't share those same interests vs. the actual torment he put her through and what drove her to do what she did. It comes off like "he is the way he is *because* he likes these things", when that's not the case. There's plenty of well-rounded, non-abusive people who are into some of these things. He was a horrible person simply because he was a horrible person.
I hope she's been able to find some peace over the years & that she's adjusting well to life outside of prison. I hope she sought some much needed therapy.
August 14, 2020
This is a world I know nothing about. It opened my eyes to a subject I have never had to deal with and made me appreciate my own life and marriage even more.
First, I do not think that you should not be allowed to profit off the murder from this book. I think religion is not something you can expect us to believe you have after murdering your husband.
I read that you say how strong you are in yourself at the beginning and how much your family was a big influence on your earlier life that I just cannot fathom how you let your husband manipulate you as far as you say he did.
I think that if you could have been that little bit stronger and left or told someone in your family you could have made different choices and life could have turned out differently for all of you.
First, I do not think that you should not be allowed to profit off the murder from this book. I think religion is not something you can expect us to believe you have after murdering your husband.
I read that you say how strong you are in yourself at the beginning and how much your family was a big influence on your earlier life that I just cannot fathom how you let your husband manipulate you as far as you say he did.
I think that if you could have been that little bit stronger and left or told someone in your family you could have made different choices and life could have turned out differently for all of you.
February 22, 2023
"If you come back, I promise...I'll stop raping you."
After years of artifice and manipulative contrivances, designed to isolate socially and create financial dependency, Joni was absolutely bereft of the ability to self support and get away.
She went back. The rapes continued. The frequency and brutality only intensified.
This is coercive control and domestic entrapment.
Her husband was a police officer at the time. A Sergeant.
Ultimately, shot dead with his own service weapon while he was sleeping.
After his death, his previous partners/wives were interviewed and described abuse similar to that of Joni's.
After years of artifice and manipulative contrivances, designed to isolate socially and create financial dependency, Joni was absolutely bereft of the ability to self support and get away.
She went back. The rapes continued. The frequency and brutality only intensified.
This is coercive control and domestic entrapment.
Her husband was a police officer at the time. A Sergeant.
Ultimately, shot dead with his own service weapon while he was sleeping.
After his death, his previous partners/wives were interviewed and described abuse similar to that of Joni's.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
October 10, 2023
I’m not sure…
I escaped from an abusive relationship so I can relate to some of this book but some of the info just goes over my head. I’m not sure how much to believe. An example would be when he takes away her cell phone when she’s away from him…she says she can’t contact her family, what about a landline?or when he threatens using the mallet..she could have spoke to someone at the garage..I know it takes courage to leave and it effects you for the rest of your life…so yes it’s an important book but some of the info needs to be taken with a pinch of salt. Narration was fine.
I escaped from an abusive relationship so I can relate to some of this book but some of the info just goes over my head. I’m not sure how much to believe. An example would be when he takes away her cell phone when she’s away from him…she says she can’t contact her family, what about a landline?or when he threatens using the mallet..she could have spoke to someone at the garage..I know it takes courage to leave and it effects you for the rest of your life…so yes it’s an important book but some of the info needs to be taken with a pinch of salt. Narration was fine.
September 11, 2020
Such mixed feelings on this story. You can't help but feel sorry for Joni and all she has been through. The abuse she suffered is truly horrendous. Couldn't she have found another way out of this? Did she have to murder Paul? It's always bad when you don't get to hear the other side of the story, and I hope that whatever money she makes off telling her story goes to helping other women get out of this situation before they have to resort to murder. So sad.
April 26, 2021
Joni did an amazing job writing her story. I could not put the book down the second half. The first was hard to read her experiences but I took it slow. It was written in a very careful manner that gave an appropriate amount of information and not over indulging in it. This story has great potential to help women in similar situations. I had the opportunity to meet Joni and she deeply cares for people and I believe she will help many in the years to come.
August 19, 2025
This book was very well written. It was chronological and strategically recapped to set the stage of how Joni’s abuse progressively got worse and the pain and trauma she endured became overwhelmingly painful to the point she acted…was it the best way? That’s up to the reader….i for one was disgusted by all the gross activities she was asked to do, but I don’t like how she only spoke about her abuse once in prison. Without a paper trail, one could ask how much was exaggerated.
August 30, 2020
Having survived domestic violence and verbal abuse myself, this story puts it right out there for all the world to see. Yes, it does exist! Yes, you feel like there is no choice to or be killed. I saw the violence get worse in my own marriage and got out when I saw my chance. I never looked back and was never sorry about leaving, only that I was dumb enough to not see the signs earlier.
June 3, 2024
This was a truly difficult read. I believe the psychological and physical trauma endured by the author was real to her. I believe there was a combination of destruction and justification. What took place during this couple’s marriage can only be determined by the author’s account. Only those two know what happened and one of them was permanently silenced.
September 11, 2020
This is a horrific, heart wrenching account of domestic sexual abuse. After years enduring her husband's evil sadism, the author shot him in his sleep. This accounting is both a warning and a voice of hope. Ankerson is an amazingly brave woman to tell her story. Bravo!
November 13, 2020
Sad story of domestic abuse
This was a sad story of how a young lady lost her hope of goid life for a horrific existence of abuse and torture. Thank you for sharing your story. Help others look for rec flags.
This was a sad story of how a young lady lost her hope of goid life for a horrific existence of abuse and torture. Thank you for sharing your story. Help others look for rec flags.
December 7, 2023
A terribly sad read. Abuse is unacceptable on any level but the examples of degrading behaviours may trigger Readers who have experienced similar.
The narrator however, is far too robotic, impacting the flow and making it a poorer listen than it needed to be.
The narrator however, is far too robotic, impacting the flow and making it a poorer listen than it needed to be.
November 1, 2025
Sad story, very well told
Such a sad and tragic story but one that has been well told, told in a fair and reasonable way by the poor woman who suffered at the hands of such an evil scumbag.
Such a sad and tragic story but one that has been well told, told in a fair and reasonable way by the poor woman who suffered at the hands of such an evil scumbag.
September 5, 2020
I had a little difficulty in the beginning but then I enjoyed the rest of the book. I love true crime stories, and I’m glad I got the chance to read this one.
September 16, 2020
An interesting first hand account on why the author killed her husband. Apparently she wrote it from jail. The abuse which she suffered is unconsciable.
September 29, 2020
My heart broke for Joni. But, I admire her bravery for telling her story. When she talked of Paul, I wanted to vomit the more she went into detail. God bless her!
November 1, 2020
Wow
Wow. Northern Michigan real world stuff. Thank you Kindle for loaning the book to me. Didn't put it down. Wow
Wow. Northern Michigan real world stuff. Thank you Kindle for loaning the book to me. Didn't put it down. Wow
July 8, 2022
interesting
Domestic violence at its worst. Held attention from beginning to end. Would recommend, but spousal abuse at it worst kind.
Domestic violence at its worst. Held attention from beginning to end. Would recommend, but spousal abuse at it worst kind.
October 18, 2022
My heart hurts for how broken our system is. I also live in Michigan and it made me so angry that she got time for defending herself. How people that work in the same line of work defended him.
January 13, 2023
Sooo brave, amazing, strong. Joni you are an AMAZING woman! I could not put this book down. It is so sad the pain and torture you endured but know you have conquered at the other end makes me Praise Jesus! I learned so much and I now feel so much more aware of this scary world we live in.
March 19, 2023
A tough harrowing read in places. How she survived that for 10 years I'll never know, I'd have killed him a lot sooner!
June 14, 2023
Pretty messed up story, this one.. I probably wouldn't have read it had I known it's content. I curse my inability to not finish something I started, and now, I can't unread it.
December 19, 2023
Powerful book.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 37 reviews