But He Said He is a Christian: Journal Entries of a Young Christian Woman in an Abusive Relationship

by Rebecca K. Tan

My boyfriend is a Christian but he hurts me. Does God want me to stay in this relationship? Is what my boyfriend doing to me really acceptable? These were a few thoughts that circulated Rebecca's mind as she endured an abusive dating relationship with a man who identified as a Christian. In this book, Rebecca (a pseudonym) shares her raw journal entries, paired with her reflections, as she decided to put together this book years after escaping the abusive relationship. Written down is a timeline of where she was in her faith before, how he charmed her into quickly entering a dating relationship, where he then justified every bit of hurt inflicted towards, and what her healing in Christ has looked like since. But He Said He is a Christian has helped victims and survivors of abuse within a Christian context feel seen and heard.

157 pages, Paperback

Published July 11, 2020

Reviews

[Amber Thiessen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I give this 5 stars because this topic is important for the church to talk about and engage with, not because this was particularly enjoyable to read. It’s hard and difficult to get through. There’s pain and anguish in hearing what she went through.

One of the things that stood out to me was the shame she felt and how it prevented her from talking to anyone about what was happening. It causes me to linger on how I can pay attention to those in my church, to really see them, to have safe spaces in fellowship.

Recommend if you are in ministry, if you’re leading discipleship ministries with young adults, if you’re a parent.

(Read this as part of the VT Reading Challenge - a book recommended by a pastor.)

[Andrew Lam · Rating 5 out of 5]

tough read, hits close to home especially considering the fact that this happened in my hometown church community.

[Peter Falco · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was a tough read, but not because of the way it was written - Rebecca does very well in taking the reader through her story of her abusive relationship with a man who called himself a Christian. It was tough because of the subject matter.
It was difficult for me to read through her experience, but it taught me more about how an abusive relationship develops and showed me things that I would never know from an outside perspective.
Most importantly, Rebecca's story challenged me to really think about what it means to forgive someone in the way that Jesus teaches to forgive.

[Sojourn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rebecca has been very courageous to have written and publish this book. It is well written using her diary entries and includes her thoughts after the breakup. It is a chilling story of a young Christian woman who meets a charming but severely damaged young Youth Worker with a way of spinning scripture that totally blindsides her. Trigger warnings! !

As the mother of a daughter who found herself in a destructive marriage, I am perhaps venting my own anxiety and anger on behalf of Rebecca when I write the review below. It is heartbreaking to read her story.

She is writing this as a cautionary tale to other Christian women who are thinking of dating or are in relationships with similarly flawed individuals who gradually subject their victim to systemic abuse.

There needs to be more awareness and education of the patterns of behaviour and character traits of these 'so called Christian' pretenders/predators, particularly within churches. The information regarding these dangerous types of behaviour can be found by googling and on youtube if you investigate each of the worrisome signs - there is a wealth of resources - Christian and secular. Plus Rebecca lists some of these: emotional, verbal, financial, sexual coercion, sexual, physical, spiritual, social, psychological abuse. This was a full on attack on her in every area of her life.

I was concerned that even though 'Tony' continued to abuse Rebecca in the worst possible way including rape, physical violence and threatening to kill her there was, I think only one occasion when the police were involved, but there were no consequences to Tony regarding his actions. Formalising complaints to the police can be useful for future reference. Women in these circumstances have to be wise. Womens Help lines are also another important resource.

It was good that Rebecca kept a diary throughout this time, but it was ultimately her abuser who finally opened her eyes to his never-ending cruelty, even though she had correctly reflected on the abuse throughout the relationship she didn't label for what it was - abuse and violence. She appeared so infatuated and committed to him that she allow all her boundaries to be destroyed. She didn't recognise that it was never a loving relationship from his perspective, even when she was aware that he continally cheated on her - he had set up a minefield for her to navigate.

The spiritual abuse was extreme. Her faith in God was strong and heart-felt but these characters are so practiced in their deceit that Tony was able to quickly disarm her and become almost god-like in her life. He was even trying to influence and destroy her hope for eternal life - basically it was a full-on spiritual attack.

There is no amount of love that you can give to make these damaged and dangerous souls better, healthy or whole - that's God's territory. These predator/abusers, have made a conscious choice to indulge themselves in their sinful behaviour without any thought of the well being of their victim. They are or have never been true Christians - it's part of their bag of tricks to control the victim and the situation.

I am surprised and concerned about how Rebecca's counsellors were trying to arrange meetings between Rebecca and Tony even after they had finally broken up, trying to help her gain some understanding of what had happened. It appears to me that there may be much more that the counsellors need to be aware of when dealing with people who have this dangerous level of character disorder.

I pray all of God's best for Rebecca and other young women who have been trapped into these destructive cycles. Get out sooner rather than later. There is healing available. . . . in Jesus. .. much love to you.

Christian Sites I also visit are: cryingoutforjustice.blog also Dr. Les Carter on youtube

[Aszerina · Rating 5 out of 5]

'But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ.'- 2 Corinthians 11:3

This is a needed book which exposes the suttle ways an abusive relationship can be birthed. It is easy-to-read in its style but hard-to-read due to its heavy content.

When abuse is present we often ask: 'How did you get here? Why do you stay?' Through her journal entries and commentary, the author takes us on a very personal and vulnerable journey to answer such questions. A journey, which though tragic, leads to a hopeful end and one which will be etched in your heart forever.

What are you waiting for? Grab your copy today!!

[Abby Cabush · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book. As readers, we got to see the entire journey of her meeting, dating, struggling with, trying to break up with, and the aftermath of her abusive ex-boyfriend. The story captivated me just as a novel would. Especially since a majority of her book is told through her journal entries, there's so much vulnerability and real-ness. There's so much that anyone can learn from Rebecca's unique story. I encourage anyone to read it, to understand a life through someone else's experiences.

There were points throughout the book where I found the timeline to be unclear or noticed that some details were left unexplained. Maybe it intentional was due to the sensitize nature of the topics of the book, but there were some points in the book where I wanted more clarity or a more full understanding of the situation.

[Miranda Tran · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very eye-opening book on what an abusive relationship actually is. Most of the time we think of an abusive relationship as physical abuse but it can also be emotional abuse. Rebecca tells us what goes on through her mind during this relationship and it allows readers to understand her better and the situation. She shows us what an abusive relationship is but most importantly she was able to capture the grace of God through this. Her journey with God was inspiring as she teaches us how to love and forgive when it is the absolute hardest. I recommend reading this book as it shows us that when we think we're in the lowest point in our lives, God is ALWAYS there for us and we simply need to trust in Him to find everlasting joy.

[Phoebe · Rating 5 out of 5]

"But He Said He Is a Christian" is a heartwrenching account of a young Christian woman navigating an abusive relationship with her boyfriend at the time. It presents an intimate look into the author's first relationship with a Christian male who purported to look and speak the part of what it meant to be a follower of Christ. Though well-meaning in her intentions going into the relationship, the author quickly finds herself confronting a partner who manipulates her in all ways imaginable.

Her story serves as a severe warning to all Christians (whether as a sibling, a daughter/son, a parent, or a fellow church member). Christians in general, but even more so in the local church context, must aim to "spur one another on in love and good deeds" (Heb 10:24) by being vigilant for the fruit a Christian bears by God's grace, as laid out in Scripture (1 Tim 3:1-7, Titus 1:6-16). This is typically done in deep and meaningful discipleship, fellowship, "doing-life-together" church family context relationships where humility, transparency, and grace are crucial. As for dating Christians anticipating marriage, this book gives insight into avoiding potential suitors who "profess to know God, but deny him by their works." (Titus 1:16) Any Christian man or woman who continues to despise biblical wisdom and instruction, preferring their own earthly wisdom, are fools who should be disqualified from being potential marriage partners (Prov 1:7; 10:23; 12:15).

For the suffering Christian who has been or is in an abusive relationship, the author emphasizes that there is true gospel hope in Jesus. I praise God that despite her horrific experiences, the author clings to Christ and seeks comfort and peace in him. Thank God for her courage, vulnerability, and faithfulness to Christ.

[Cindy Bergvall · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was on someone’s 2023 recommended list and on kindle unlimited. It was a hard read but important information.