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How Toddlers Thrive: What Parents Can Do for Children Ages Two to Five to Plant the Seeds of Lifelong Happiness
'This book is really helping us. I recommend it!' Amy SchumerWhy do some children thrive and others struggle?Leading toddler expert Dr Tovah P. Klein reveals why age two to five is the most crucial time for a child's brain development and how parents can harness this period to have a lifelong positive effect on their children's lives.Based on extensive research with toddlers, How Toddlers Thrive explains what is happening in children's brains and bodies at this age that makes their behaviour so turbulent, and why your reaction to their behaviour - the way you speak to, speak about and act towards your toddler - holds the key to a successful tomorrow and a happier today.With chapters on everyday routines, tantrums, managing change and avoiding toddler shaming, this smart and useful guide will inspire you to be a better parent.
252 pages, Kindle Edition
First published February 18, 2014
580 people are currently reading
2667 people want to read
About the author
Tovah P. Klein
6 books24 followersTovah P. Klein, Ph.D. is a psychology professor at Barnard College, Columbia University and Director of the Barnard College Center for Toddler Development – an internationally renowned research and teaching center with programs for the community. She studied psychology at the University of Michigan and holds a doctorate in clinical and developmental psychology from Duke University. She was a clinical fellow at Harvard University, Boston Children's Hospital; a fellow at Yale Child Study Center and a visiting scholar at UCLA. She is author on numerous conference presentations and journal articles in child psychology.
Dr. Klein has been steeped in work with parents and their children for over three decades and finds humor an essential piece of raising children. She conducts research on child and parent development, including parenting challenges and work and family issues; children’s play; the impact of parents on children’s social and emotional development; and the impact of traumatic events on children and parents, including witnessing the WTC attacks; covid19; and the Tohoku, Japan earthquake and tsunami.
She writes for and is frequently quoted in the media, including the New York Times, Washington Post, Huffington Post, Parents, PureWow, Motherly, WalletHub, Insider, CNN, Today, and Slate. She is a frequent guest on Radio, Podcasts, and TV and was named the ‘toddler whisperer’ by Good Morning America.
Dr. Klein consults worldwide to schools and programs for children and families with an aim of helping to improve life for all families. She works with families, staff and program administrators. She was a developmental advisor to Sesame Street. Currently, Dr. Klein is on the advisory boards of Room to Grow, Children’s Museum of Manhattan, Ubuntu Pathways S. Africa, and Hunts Point Alliance for Children. She consults to children’s media including HBO, National Geographic Books and is a Changemaker for Apple TV+.
She lives in New York City with her family.
Dr. Klein has been steeped in work with parents and their children for over three decades and finds humor an essential piece of raising children. She conducts research on child and parent development, including parenting challenges and work and family issues; children’s play; the impact of parents on children’s social and emotional development; and the impact of traumatic events on children and parents, including witnessing the WTC attacks; covid19; and the Tohoku, Japan earthquake and tsunami.
She writes for and is frequently quoted in the media, including the New York Times, Washington Post, Huffington Post, Parents, PureWow, Motherly, WalletHub, Insider, CNN, Today, and Slate. She is a frequent guest on Radio, Podcasts, and TV and was named the ‘toddler whisperer’ by Good Morning America.
Dr. Klein consults worldwide to schools and programs for children and families with an aim of helping to improve life for all families. She works with families, staff and program administrators. She was a developmental advisor to Sesame Street. Currently, Dr. Klein is on the advisory boards of Room to Grow, Children’s Museum of Manhattan, Ubuntu Pathways S. Africa, and Hunts Point Alliance for Children. She consults to children’s media including HBO, National Geographic Books and is a Changemaker for Apple TV+.
She lives in New York City with her family.
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 176 reviews
September 19, 2017
Most books about toddlers end up getting a review from me that's along the lines of "The author was condescending. The model of how toddlers work not based in what I know of developmental psychology. At least it has some useful tips." It's refreshing to read a book for which I can give a much more positive review.
In some sense, this book is terribly basic. Klein does not offer clever acronyms or multi-step systems or even anything that feels surprising or revolutionary. If you just read through the book, what she has to say sounds like common sense. Then you start to think about it and think about how that "common" sense goes against so much of what social expectations and common parenting advice tell us about how to raise children through the toddler years (defined as 2-5 in this book).
The key insight of this book is that toddlers have brains that are developing at a rapid pace and that development means that we cannot view them either as babies or as older more consistently rational humans. They are in the midst of building the habits and scaffolding for lifelong success. Our goal as parents is not to make them happy or successful. It is to help them go through that development process.
Klein recommends that the best way to support this growth is to try to understand the toddler's perspective. As she notes throughout, this does not mean always giving toddlers their way. It does mean trying to understand their motivation rather than imposing a motivation from an adult perspective.
The core tension which drives toddlers is that they are both trying to become more independent and are still very young. They want to push their caretakers away and pull them close, often in the same moment. Taking the toddler point of view requires understanding this tension and the way it manifests in behavior. For example, a sudden shift from a happy child playing independently to one in a meltdown over some minor (to an adult) imperfection of the world is easier to understand if you see the independence as something that was at the edge of their current capacity for being alone and the imperfection as something which pushed the independence just a little too far. A tantrum where they are yelling at you to go away but then get even more upset when you do demonstrates their desire for independence conflicting with their need to have rely on their caretakers as a secure base from which to explore. When we understand how our toddlers understand the world, we can help them to move on.
This relates to another key point of the book. The purpose of taking the toddler's perspective is not to prevent conflict -- an impossibility anyway at this age. The purpose is to help figure out the most effective way to repair conflict and, over time, help the child build up the mental tools to do this repair on their own. This resilience is one of the most important skills a child needs to learn. Focusing on conflict resolution also helps the parent. Instead of conflict becoming about who "wins", it becomes about how to meet everyone's needs: How do we make sure that bedtime is timely while still acknowledging that it's a big scary situation? How do we acknowledge the child's desire to have been the one to flush while still dealing with the reality that the pee ain't comin' back?
Much of the book is applying this framework of viewpoint taking and conflict resolution to specific situations. Once you understand the basic principles, those chapters are fairly straight forward but seeing the principles in action is still useful.
All in all, a very good read and one I've already been getting benefits from.
In some sense, this book is terribly basic. Klein does not offer clever acronyms or multi-step systems or even anything that feels surprising or revolutionary. If you just read through the book, what she has to say sounds like common sense. Then you start to think about it and think about how that "common" sense goes against so much of what social expectations and common parenting advice tell us about how to raise children through the toddler years (defined as 2-5 in this book).
The key insight of this book is that toddlers have brains that are developing at a rapid pace and that development means that we cannot view them either as babies or as older more consistently rational humans. They are in the midst of building the habits and scaffolding for lifelong success. Our goal as parents is not to make them happy or successful. It is to help them go through that development process.
Klein recommends that the best way to support this growth is to try to understand the toddler's perspective. As she notes throughout, this does not mean always giving toddlers their way. It does mean trying to understand their motivation rather than imposing a motivation from an adult perspective.
The core tension which drives toddlers is that they are both trying to become more independent and are still very young. They want to push their caretakers away and pull them close, often in the same moment. Taking the toddler point of view requires understanding this tension and the way it manifests in behavior. For example, a sudden shift from a happy child playing independently to one in a meltdown over some minor (to an adult) imperfection of the world is easier to understand if you see the independence as something that was at the edge of their current capacity for being alone and the imperfection as something which pushed the independence just a little too far. A tantrum where they are yelling at you to go away but then get even more upset when you do demonstrates their desire for independence conflicting with their need to have rely on their caretakers as a secure base from which to explore. When we understand how our toddlers understand the world, we can help them to move on.
This relates to another key point of the book. The purpose of taking the toddler's perspective is not to prevent conflict -- an impossibility anyway at this age. The purpose is to help figure out the most effective way to repair conflict and, over time, help the child build up the mental tools to do this repair on their own. This resilience is one of the most important skills a child needs to learn. Focusing on conflict resolution also helps the parent. Instead of conflict becoming about who "wins", it becomes about how to meet everyone's needs: How do we make sure that bedtime is timely while still acknowledging that it's a big scary situation? How do we acknowledge the child's desire to have been the one to flush while still dealing with the reality that the pee ain't comin' back?
Much of the book is applying this framework of viewpoint taking and conflict resolution to specific situations. Once you understand the basic principles, those chapters are fairly straight forward but seeing the principles in action is still useful.
All in all, a very good read and one I've already been getting benefits from.
November 27, 2013
Despite the 'Lifelong Success' part of the title, this is a pretty mellow guidebook. Parents are repeatedly urged to just let their toddlers play rather than structured educational activities. (Bonus: Play is basically free.) If you already have (or had) a toddler, there will be a mix of things you're doing right and things you're doing wrong, but again, it's all pretty mellow and no long-term harm done. (Our big sin is a lack of routine, but she's not unusual or controversial there.)
There's an extended discussion on (not) shaming your child that is treated pretty seriously and is one of the more out-there elements of the book. An awful lot of basic correction falls under that term, which is not clearly defined. (But this was not a final edit edition.) Apparently you also shouldn't try to make them share before the age of 4, which is also a little permissive for most of today's parents. That part is more clearly explained, at least.
I did like the message that your job is not to make your child happy. Pretty much everything makes them happy. Mud puddles, for example. Your job is to teach them to cope with unhappiness. Also there were a few good reminders about recognizing when you're applying baggage from your own childhood, like scolding your child for something you really don't care about, simply because it did bother your own mother.
There's an extended discussion on (not) shaming your child that is treated pretty seriously and is one of the more out-there elements of the book. An awful lot of basic correction falls under that term, which is not clearly defined. (But this was not a final edit edition.) Apparently you also shouldn't try to make them share before the age of 4, which is also a little permissive for most of today's parents. That part is more clearly explained, at least.
I did like the message that your job is not to make your child happy. Pretty much everything makes them happy. Mud puddles, for example. Your job is to teach them to cope with unhappiness. Also there were a few good reminders about recognizing when you're applying baggage from your own childhood, like scolding your child for something you really don't care about, simply because it did bother your own mother.
November 18, 2014
This is a good book for parents or soon-to-be parents to understand a little about child development and how to learn what to expect, interact, and manage toddler. I've heard thoughts on parenting all across the spectrum from "it just comes naturally" to embracing the latest in attachment parenting. This book provides some nice insights into the POV of toddlers, development, and how to communicate, manage, and support version 2 of your child.
After all, a child (or human) is like a computer program that has multiple releases: baby, toddler, pre-teen, teen, pre-adult, adult, etc. Every perception and action is based on genetics and environment. You, as the parent get to provide the genetics, and define the environment to a point. The trick is that there's no way to tell when the next release is available. You were so happy you finally nailed Human 1.0 (baby), but then at some point human 2.0 (toddler) crept in and all the shortcuts and tricks don't work quite the same.
I liked a number of passages in the book. Especially passages on sharing, POV of a toddler, discussions at mealtime, praise, and the concept of parents are not there to provide a child with happiness. Instead, parenting is like accepting to be a guide spirit for a human on it's journey for life. Happiness comes natural, but it's the dealing with the problems and negatives of life where guidance is really needed. This means providing a safe, supporting, and nurturing environment that allows the human to develop into its own potential.
I did think the structure and approach could have been written in a better way to convey the importance of what parenting really is, but I understand the audience is more for the undefined general masses.
For a quick steeping, jump to Chapter 9 and check out a quick recap of the book concepts broken down into 15 topics and flip back to the associated chapter for more detail.
Strangely, I wonder how contemporary and geographically contained the concepts are. Would this have worked 50, 100, 200 years ago in the United States? Japan? China or Egypt 5000 years ago? What is the potential for a human and how defined and limited is it to the time in which one lives?
After all, a child (or human) is like a computer program that has multiple releases: baby, toddler, pre-teen, teen, pre-adult, adult, etc. Every perception and action is based on genetics and environment. You, as the parent get to provide the genetics, and define the environment to a point. The trick is that there's no way to tell when the next release is available. You were so happy you finally nailed Human 1.0 (baby), but then at some point human 2.0 (toddler) crept in and all the shortcuts and tricks don't work quite the same.
I liked a number of passages in the book. Especially passages on sharing, POV of a toddler, discussions at mealtime, praise, and the concept of parents are not there to provide a child with happiness. Instead, parenting is like accepting to be a guide spirit for a human on it's journey for life. Happiness comes natural, but it's the dealing with the problems and negatives of life where guidance is really needed. This means providing a safe, supporting, and nurturing environment that allows the human to develop into its own potential.
I did think the structure and approach could have been written in a better way to convey the importance of what parenting really is, but I understand the audience is more for the undefined general masses.
For a quick steeping, jump to Chapter 9 and check out a quick recap of the book concepts broken down into 15 topics and flip back to the associated chapter for more detail.
Strangely, I wonder how contemporary and geographically contained the concepts are. Would this have worked 50, 100, 200 years ago in the United States? Japan? China or Egypt 5000 years ago? What is the potential for a human and how defined and limited is it to the time in which one lives?
July 28, 2021
This is the first parenting book I've read that I truly appreciated having read.
First, I appreciated that Klein (mostly) wrote this book for an adult audience, avoiding that dumbed-down, saccharine tone that seems to be de rigeur in similar texts. What I appreciated the most, however, is the spirit of the book. Yes, Klein offers examples of what to say/do in certain scenarios, but those aren't actually super helpful. What really struck a cord with me is her emphasis on having a posture of more empathy and compassion for my tiny tyrant toddler. Not that I didn't before but I fell into a cycle of escalation with my daughter where neither of us won. Klein constantly reminds the reader how small and new to the world our little ones are and to have more humor and sensitivity. I feel like I've already readjusted my perspective and it has made a big difference in my relationship with my daughter.
The book is uber redundant, so be prepared for that. Many of the points are moot if you've already potty-trained, transitioned to a big bed, gotten rid of the pacifier, etc. I also came to it a bit late because I put myself on a waiting list for it when my daughter was going through a really tough developmental stretch that is (thank god!) over now. That said, and even though my daughter is almost four, I got a lot out of this book. It's not going to give you "tips" so much as help you to reorient, recalibrate, and reconsider.
First, I appreciated that Klein (mostly) wrote this book for an adult audience, avoiding that dumbed-down, saccharine tone that seems to be de rigeur in similar texts. What I appreciated the most, however, is the spirit of the book. Yes, Klein offers examples of what to say/do in certain scenarios, but those aren't actually super helpful. What really struck a cord with me is her emphasis on having a posture of more empathy and compassion for my tiny tyrant toddler. Not that I didn't before but I fell into a cycle of escalation with my daughter where neither of us won. Klein constantly reminds the reader how small and new to the world our little ones are and to have more humor and sensitivity. I feel like I've already readjusted my perspective and it has made a big difference in my relationship with my daughter.
The book is uber redundant, so be prepared for that. Many of the points are moot if you've already potty-trained, transitioned to a big bed, gotten rid of the pacifier, etc. I also came to it a bit late because I put myself on a waiting list for it when my daughter was going through a really tough developmental stretch that is (thank god!) over now. That said, and even though my daughter is almost four, I got a lot out of this book. It's not going to give you "tips" so much as help you to reorient, recalibrate, and reconsider.
September 4, 2018
Oh my gosh this book is amazing! There is SO MUCH good information that we've started implementing and we're already seeing a difference! I need to follow up with daycare about eating though she's she's been coming home HANGRY. I can't recommend this book enough. I read it and we're going to get the audio too and I'm going to re-read it by listening to it in case I missed anything the first go through-- because there is a lot of information.
June 9, 2014
There are six key elements parents can provide for their toddler.
1. Mirror back a sense of safety and relative order
2. Listen to children instead of always talking at and directing them.
3. Give children freedom to play and explore on their own
4. Allow children the space and opportunity to struggle and fail
5. Work to understand who each individual child is and what he needs at a given age
6. Provide children with limits, boundaries, and guidance.
(P. 54)
Cribs provide your child with a safe and cozy place where they can unwind and be cozied in on all sides in a small space. ... Before the age of three, most children feel the safety of the crib as a comfort and relief. Taking them out too early sets them up to. Have to manage a great deal of freedom before they may be ready. (P. 122)
1. Mirror back a sense of safety and relative order
2. Listen to children instead of always talking at and directing them.
3. Give children freedom to play and explore on their own
4. Allow children the space and opportunity to struggle and fail
5. Work to understand who each individual child is and what he needs at a given age
6. Provide children with limits, boundaries, and guidance.
(P. 54)
Cribs provide your child with a safe and cozy place where they can unwind and be cozied in on all sides in a small space. ... Before the age of three, most children feel the safety of the crib as a comfort and relief. Taking them out too early sets them up to. Have to manage a great deal of freedom before they may be ready. (P. 122)
March 4, 2015
Wow, this book blew my mind! First, I love that Tovah Klein is the director of a toddler center in NYC and has been conducting research on toddler development for 20 years. Her parenting advice, therefore, comes from firsthand experience and actual developmental psychology & neuroscience research (not just some random parenting method that worked for her kids that will magically work for you, too!).
Her whole focus is for us as parents to shift our point of view and see & feel the world through our child's eyes & experiences. Shift to the toddler point of view! This may make me seem stupid, but this "shift" was so helpful for me. I have a tendency to just want kids to be tiny adults, but for me to really learn and accept that this is not only silly but it is developmentally impossible for a toddler really helped me to chill out.
Further, this book has an entire chapter devoted to toddler shame. SHAME! How intense. I mean I haven't even learned enough about this as an adult, to think this is a point of focus for a 2-year-old!
This book is also refreshing in the hyper-controlling hyper-sensitive hyper-perfectionistic hyper-worrying world that parenting seems to be rooted in right now. Tovah Klein approaches parents with grace and without judgment and provides a child-focused hands-off approach (not to be confused with a laissez-faire approach--she certainly roots her approach in limits and boundaries) .... Basically, by "hands off" I mean stop micromanaging your kid's every move, stop worrying about every single bite of food they eat or don't eat, and for the love stop intervening in their play! News flash: you can't control your kids.
This isn't a parenting boos with a "one-sized all" approach or a book that will fix all your problems and make your kids happy. Tovah Klein really does a good job of making room for you as the parent to develop how to parent based on the information she presents.
Overall I found this book to be empowering and refreshing, and (best of all) helped me to better understand toddler development.
Her whole focus is for us as parents to shift our point of view and see & feel the world through our child's eyes & experiences. Shift to the toddler point of view! This may make me seem stupid, but this "shift" was so helpful for me. I have a tendency to just want kids to be tiny adults, but for me to really learn and accept that this is not only silly but it is developmentally impossible for a toddler really helped me to chill out.
Further, this book has an entire chapter devoted to toddler shame. SHAME! How intense. I mean I haven't even learned enough about this as an adult, to think this is a point of focus for a 2-year-old!
This book is also refreshing in the hyper-controlling hyper-sensitive hyper-perfectionistic hyper-worrying world that parenting seems to be rooted in right now. Tovah Klein approaches parents with grace and without judgment and provides a child-focused hands-off approach (not to be confused with a laissez-faire approach--she certainly roots her approach in limits and boundaries) .... Basically, by "hands off" I mean stop micromanaging your kid's every move, stop worrying about every single bite of food they eat or don't eat, and for the love stop intervening in their play! News flash: you can't control your kids.
This isn't a parenting boos with a "one-sized all" approach or a book that will fix all your problems and make your kids happy. Tovah Klein really does a good job of making room for you as the parent to develop how to parent based on the information she presents.
Overall I found this book to be empowering and refreshing, and (best of all) helped me to better understand toddler development.
April 9, 2014
Tovah Klein fills a critical need in parenting literature with her title "How Toddlers Thrive." Klein never berates parents or takes a condescending tone, realizing that all parents desire the best for their children. She successfully shows the reader why it is imperative for parents to see the world from the toddler's perspective by providing numerous examples and neurological background for how the brain develops. Yet, we are reminded of the importance of setting limits. At the end, she provides 15 points to remember that summarize the book. Overall a delightful and practical read.
February 28, 2018
A woman in my mom’s group, a teacher, told me that the author’s teenage son was one of the most thoughtful, well-adjusted, all around great student she’d had in fifteen years. Fifteen years! That made me want to read this book. The secret sauce, it turns out, is patience, humor, and serious respect for the fully-formed little people toddlers are. This is a very gentle, level-headed parenting guide that emphasizes the ways parents can provide empathy and comfort/stability to their toddlers without coddling or stifling or spoiling them. A useful, anxiety-reducing book.
January 3, 2023
Security, comfort, freedom and limits are essential ingredients for healty development - of the brain and person.
What I mean by succes is this: a person who feels confident to explore the world around him with excitement and curiosity, who is not afraid to make mistakes, who feels secure enough to begin to make friends, and who feels well-adjusted enough to bounce back when she is disappointed. A person who can handle life is motivated to learn, stands up for herself, cand cares about others.
Parents can:
1. Mirror back a sense of safety and relative order
2. Listen to children instead of always talking at and directing them
3. Give children freedom to play and explore on they own
4. Allow children the space and opportunity to struggle and fail
5. Work to understand who each individual child is and what he needs at a given age
6. Provide children with limits, boundaries, and guidance.
Sometimes you handle it well; sometimes you don't. It may sound odd, but the mishap is not the problem, so long as there is a positive reconnection, a repair. Coming back together again, without blame, lets them know you are here for them, always, even when bad moments happen.
1. Stay close, even when it's hard (they need to know we love them even if they misbehave)
2. You're in charge (put limits when they are needed)
3. Be consistent (Mostly)
4. Be realistic (the importance of routines)
5. Make the boundaries clear
By taking control battles out of eating, giving limited options, and making mealtime a social occasion, you can help you child become a good (or even greater ) eater. Maybe not today, but it does happen.
Throwing food? That is a signal he is finished and you can interpret it as just that.
THEY LOVE HAVING CONTROL!!
If you treat them with respect, say please and thank you to them, and sit nicely at the table, they will learn to be polite as they get older.
Leaving home is not easy! It is leaving the confort of the place they know best, and because they live for right now, they can't really focus on where they will be after they leave home.
If you can't accept an emotion as being a part of you, then it is hard to let go of it.
Empaty is what helps a child (and adult!) feel understood, which helps them settle down from de upset. At the same time, labeling their feelings is a necessary step toward helping them know over time what they are feeling.
I understand you are really angry, that you don't like this; but I can't let you do that right now.
The most important message I can give you in these moments is stay calm, this too shall pass. They won't tantrum forever. She cannot listen or be rational in the midst of it.
Want your child to grow into a reasonable person over time? They learn it from us! Find ways to bring yourself down. "He's just a little boy."
Loss has to be recognized.
This sense of competence and belief in oneself becomes the passion that drives the older learner.
Labeling feelings and reflecting on emotional content is an effective way to extend fantasy play.
It is the ability to handle the emotions that arise during challenges. These are the skills that researchers and educators alike have indentified as essential to learning, above and beyond one's intellectual capacity. You can be smart, but if you can't manage emotions enough to persevere, or you are preoccupied with negative feelings, then sucess is hard to obtain.
Having the patience to wait for what they want is a milestone during these years.
New seeds for success
1. Go to where the child(toddler) is - see from their perspective
2. Have humor. Laugh a lot
3. Keep things the same, so your child can learn how to deal with change and adapt - routines
4. Let them lean on you. You are their rock.
5. Let siblings work it out on their own.
6. Let go of perfection
7. Hands-off,not hands-on parenting
8. Set limits and bounderies
9. Let the children play
10. Stay praising your child
11. Let them be bored
12. Cut down on the rules
13. Let th be selfish so they cam become generous later.
14. Accept your children for who they are
15. Help them handle the negative
Aggresion
1. Understand what's really behind it
2. Be aware of your own reaction
3. Label the emotion or moment with a matching tone
4. You are your child's external regulator
5. Provide an outlet for the behavior instead
6. Keep in mind-most of the behaviors pass in time
What I mean by succes is this: a person who feels confident to explore the world around him with excitement and curiosity, who is not afraid to make mistakes, who feels secure enough to begin to make friends, and who feels well-adjusted enough to bounce back when she is disappointed. A person who can handle life is motivated to learn, stands up for herself, cand cares about others.
Parents can:
1. Mirror back a sense of safety and relative order
2. Listen to children instead of always talking at and directing them
3. Give children freedom to play and explore on they own
4. Allow children the space and opportunity to struggle and fail
5. Work to understand who each individual child is and what he needs at a given age
6. Provide children with limits, boundaries, and guidance.
Sometimes you handle it well; sometimes you don't. It may sound odd, but the mishap is not the problem, so long as there is a positive reconnection, a repair. Coming back together again, without blame, lets them know you are here for them, always, even when bad moments happen.
1. Stay close, even when it's hard (they need to know we love them even if they misbehave)
2. You're in charge (put limits when they are needed)
3. Be consistent (Mostly)
4. Be realistic (the importance of routines)
5. Make the boundaries clear
By taking control battles out of eating, giving limited options, and making mealtime a social occasion, you can help you child become a good (or even greater ) eater. Maybe not today, but it does happen.
Throwing food? That is a signal he is finished and you can interpret it as just that.
THEY LOVE HAVING CONTROL!!
If you treat them with respect, say please and thank you to them, and sit nicely at the table, they will learn to be polite as they get older.
Leaving home is not easy! It is leaving the confort of the place they know best, and because they live for right now, they can't really focus on where they will be after they leave home.
If you can't accept an emotion as being a part of you, then it is hard to let go of it.
Empaty is what helps a child (and adult!) feel understood, which helps them settle down from de upset. At the same time, labeling their feelings is a necessary step toward helping them know over time what they are feeling.
I understand you are really angry, that you don't like this; but I can't let you do that right now.
The most important message I can give you in these moments is stay calm, this too shall pass. They won't tantrum forever. She cannot listen or be rational in the midst of it.
Want your child to grow into a reasonable person over time? They learn it from us! Find ways to bring yourself down. "He's just a little boy."
Loss has to be recognized.
This sense of competence and belief in oneself becomes the passion that drives the older learner.
Labeling feelings and reflecting on emotional content is an effective way to extend fantasy play.
It is the ability to handle the emotions that arise during challenges. These are the skills that researchers and educators alike have indentified as essential to learning, above and beyond one's intellectual capacity. You can be smart, but if you can't manage emotions enough to persevere, or you are preoccupied with negative feelings, then sucess is hard to obtain.
Having the patience to wait for what they want is a milestone during these years.
New seeds for success
1. Go to where the child(toddler) is - see from their perspective
2. Have humor. Laugh a lot
3. Keep things the same, so your child can learn how to deal with change and adapt - routines
4. Let them lean on you. You are their rock.
5. Let siblings work it out on their own.
6. Let go of perfection
7. Hands-off,not hands-on parenting
8. Set limits and bounderies
9. Let the children play
10. Stay praising your child
11. Let them be bored
12. Cut down on the rules
13. Let th be selfish so they cam become generous later.
14. Accept your children for who they are
15. Help them handle the negative
Aggresion
1. Understand what's really behind it
2. Be aware of your own reaction
3. Label the emotion or moment with a matching tone
4. You are your child's external regulator
5. Provide an outlet for the behavior instead
6. Keep in mind-most of the behaviors pass in time
July 25, 2021
Raising kids is HARD. Raising toddlers is even harder. In Klein’s heavily research-based novel, she covers everything a parent might possibly encounter during the most important years: ages 2-5. Using extensive research, as well as her many years as the Director of the Barnard Center for Toddler Development in New York City, Klein covers some of the most frustrating and perplexing behaviors that their kids could exhibit: tantrums, refusal to share, bed time issues, potty training, eating, accepting new changes, routines, and many more important factors that influence toddler development. Research proves that these years are the most important in determining success as an adult; as a result, Klein uses a no-judgement approach to parenting to help instill and support behaviors that will give your toddler the best possible chance at being a happy, healthy, and thriving child while keeping stress for parents to a minimum.
This is not my typical book choice. With that being said, it was not only informative, but extremely helpful as a parent. Many times, we feel lost and unsure of whether we’re “doing it right.” The truth is, there isn’t a right or wrong way to do things. However, Klein’s advice helped me to understand what was going on with my kiddo during some of the most challenging parts of toddler behaviors. Her suggestions and approaches for guiding them through difficulties weren’t just helpful, but also WORKED. Some of her ideas were so simple, I couldn’t help but wonder why I’d never thought of them myself. As a parent, this book made me feel so much better about my own methods; it also gave me really practical tools to address and get through some of the other things I wasn’t sure how to handle. It’s not a one-size-fits-all model, which she’s honest about, but it’s definitely a huge help in figuring out how toddlers and what works best for them. If you’re a parent, this is a must read—you won’t regret it.
This is not my typical book choice. With that being said, it was not only informative, but extremely helpful as a parent. Many times, we feel lost and unsure of whether we’re “doing it right.” The truth is, there isn’t a right or wrong way to do things. However, Klein’s advice helped me to understand what was going on with my kiddo during some of the most challenging parts of toddler behaviors. Her suggestions and approaches for guiding them through difficulties weren’t just helpful, but also WORKED. Some of her ideas were so simple, I couldn’t help but wonder why I’d never thought of them myself. As a parent, this book made me feel so much better about my own methods; it also gave me really practical tools to address and get through some of the other things I wasn’t sure how to handle. It’s not a one-size-fits-all model, which she’s honest about, but it’s definitely a huge help in figuring out how toddlers and what works best for them. If you’re a parent, this is a must read—you won’t regret it.
October 4, 2022
I've read a lot of parenting and teaching books, and this book has all of the great concepts the other books had but it's better articulated, organized, and all in one place. This book and Happiest Toddler are both books that I think transcend parenting and teaching beyond the toddler ages as I see all of these concepts, advice, and developmental knowledge working with any age group (including adults).
This is the first book that I would recommend to both teachers and parents of above 3 year olds. If you are into Montessori, play-based learning, trauma-informed, or want to figure out how to best work with a hard to discipline little person, pick up this book.
This is the first book that I would recommend to both teachers and parents of above 3 year olds. If you are into Montessori, play-based learning, trauma-informed, or want to figure out how to best work with a hard to discipline little person, pick up this book.
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March 9, 2017I already knew/figured out most things the author presents in this book. I hope she is slightly wrong about the shaming because, from her description, almost anything and everything might be shaming.
One important thing, worth reading the book for, was the idea that parents are not supposed to make their children happy but help them learn to manage the unhappy moments since they are happy pretty much by default. I hadn't thought of that, at least not quite like this, and I think it is correct.
One important thing, worth reading the book for, was the idea that parents are not supposed to make their children happy but help them learn to manage the unhappy moments since they are happy pretty much by default. I hadn't thought of that, at least not quite like this, and I think it is correct.
May 30, 2017
One of the best toddler-parenting books I've read, it focuses on: 1) the need to provide structure, 2) the need to let toddlers do things for themselves (parents not always fixing the problem), and 3) the importance of seeing a situation from a child's point of view. The book also discusses parents' natural inclinations to shame, and the harm it causes. Because the book is written by a daycare/pre-school director, the author is used to two working parents, which was a refreshing departure from many parenting books in providing tools that work in that environment.
March 9, 2021
Very informative
3.5stars
Found this book very informative with good examples of scenarios you may go through with a toddler allowing you to see from their point of view. There was some sound advice and a couple of good ideas to try.
I didn't rate it higher than 3.5 because although I liked the information it was providing I felt like it was repetitive and had me zoning out regularly. Still worth a read if you are looking to educate yourself on the early years.
3.5stars
Found this book very informative with good examples of scenarios you may go through with a toddler allowing you to see from their point of view. There was some sound advice and a couple of good ideas to try.
I didn't rate it higher than 3.5 because although I liked the information it was providing I felt like it was repetitive and had me zoning out regularly. Still worth a read if you are looking to educate yourself on the early years.
February 23, 2021
Wonderful. An empathy first approach to understanding children. Additionally a copious guide of situations, explanations, and approaches. Throughout the book, you feel empowered to provide your child with the crucial emotional, educational, and well mannered base they'll need to head forth into life. To the author: thank you so much for writing this!
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June 19, 2025I don’t really know how to “rate” parenting books so I’ll leave this one with no rating.
I loved how this book focused on understanding the toddler brain and teaching us how to put ourselves in our toddlers shoes to better understand how and why they act like they do. Toddlers are not just tiny adults they are brand new humans who are doing things for the first time every single day. They are not born with emotion regulation and forward thinking. It’s an easy concept to think about but when it comes to parenting it’s tough to see it that way when your toddler is acting how you don’t want them too.
I did skip over some parts in the second half that did not pertain to the stage of life my toddler is at (moving to a new house, introducing a new sibling, etc). I would definitely reference back to those if they do become relevant however.
I really enjoyed this book and hope to use this way of thinking and ways of parenting into my daily life with my toddler!
I loved how this book focused on understanding the toddler brain and teaching us how to put ourselves in our toddlers shoes to better understand how and why they act like they do. Toddlers are not just tiny adults they are brand new humans who are doing things for the first time every single day. They are not born with emotion regulation and forward thinking. It’s an easy concept to think about but when it comes to parenting it’s tough to see it that way when your toddler is acting how you don’t want them too.
I did skip over some parts in the second half that did not pertain to the stage of life my toddler is at (moving to a new house, introducing a new sibling, etc). I would definitely reference back to those if they do become relevant however.
I really enjoyed this book and hope to use this way of thinking and ways of parenting into my daily life with my toddler!
December 2, 2019
This is a parent's guide to raising toddlers. It is quite long winded, and often goes on stating the obvious in many cases, but there are some key takeaways:
(1) Empathizing with a toddler is almost impossible to do as an adult because toddlers do not think in rational, time-bound terms. Their reality is a blur of ephemeral feelings, stimuli, patterns, and episodes. Trying to communicate and collaborate with toddlers in the paradigm of adult rationality is a recipe for failure.
(2) Routines are important. More than anything, this is the place from which they derive structure and security. Even though they test boundaries at every opportunity, they still rely on parents to provide an anchoring effect to their meanderings. Routines can provide this.
(3) Play is critical. For a toddler's mind, playing is the most constructive form of learning. Providing space for creativity and unstructured play has huge developmental impacts for the child.
(1) Empathizing with a toddler is almost impossible to do as an adult because toddlers do not think in rational, time-bound terms. Their reality is a blur of ephemeral feelings, stimuli, patterns, and episodes. Trying to communicate and collaborate with toddlers in the paradigm of adult rationality is a recipe for failure.
(2) Routines are important. More than anything, this is the place from which they derive structure and security. Even though they test boundaries at every opportunity, they still rely on parents to provide an anchoring effect to their meanderings. Routines can provide this.
(3) Play is critical. For a toddler's mind, playing is the most constructive form of learning. Providing space for creativity and unstructured play has huge developmental impacts for the child.
January 20, 2021
Worth reading, if only to get a different perspective. I liked how she acknowledged that every child is different. That said, every child is different and not all things Tovah preaches will work for you. They certainly didn’t for me! However, as my child has grown older, different tactics have become effective that weren’t before. That’s where I found this book useful, it encouraged me to try and be empathetic to where my toddler is at and to be aware of the toddler paradox. Her suggestions didn’t always work, but her philosophy and description of the paradox were spot on and useful insights for me.
January 9, 2026
Got some good takeaways from this! I should have taken notes throughout but I jotted down some of the biggest themes at the end.
January 29, 2018
This book.........ugh I cannot explain to anyone on this planet how important this book is for us parents. I cannot... I repeat cannot express how crucial this manual is, in order to understand why our toddlers/kids act the way the act....If anyone is ever questioning why toddlers pull away from us, yet come back to love us, throw tantrums, don't want to share, act out of aggression,etc. THIS is the book for you.
This book was seriously a break through in parenting, it helped me understand why my daughter acts dependent one moment and then needs me the next. It explains the brain functions to why she has tantrums and why it is so important to be there for her. It also goes in depth on why routine is vital in their day to day life, no only because it sets them on a good path but mainly they have no understanding of time...another thing I didn't know. It explains why its important to help them get through the hard times in their little lives, (after a tantrum, after having a fight, after they get hurt or if they get frustrated with something and just need someone to tell them they can try again some other time) There are so many important points in this book explaining to us parents why we aren't responsible for their happiness but for the way they cope with things. We guide them, and steer them in the right/healthy direction when it comes to coping or dealing with something.
I absolutely loved her writing style because Tovah doesn't belittle us as parents in which I believe a lot of parenting books are like that. But in fact she helps us understand why they are the way they are, and with soooo many parenting book out there these days telling you to "parent this way an another" she puts down into scientific facts and research, with proof to back it up.
Very, VERY insightful, I couldn't be more thankful for this book. <3
This book was seriously a break through in parenting, it helped me understand why my daughter acts dependent one moment and then needs me the next. It explains the brain functions to why she has tantrums and why it is so important to be there for her. It also goes in depth on why routine is vital in their day to day life, no only because it sets them on a good path but mainly they have no understanding of time...another thing I didn't know. It explains why its important to help them get through the hard times in their little lives, (after a tantrum, after having a fight, after they get hurt or if they get frustrated with something and just need someone to tell them they can try again some other time) There are so many important points in this book explaining to us parents why we aren't responsible for their happiness but for the way they cope with things. We guide them, and steer them in the right/healthy direction when it comes to coping or dealing with something.
I absolutely loved her writing style because Tovah doesn't belittle us as parents in which I believe a lot of parenting books are like that. But in fact she helps us understand why they are the way they are, and with soooo many parenting book out there these days telling you to "parent this way an another" she puts down into scientific facts and research, with proof to back it up.
Very, VERY insightful, I couldn't be more thankful for this book. <3
March 1, 2019
For starters, if you’re looking for a book on how to control your toddler, this is not it. This book is meant to help us understand how toddlers think and suggest ways we may enjoy them for who they are.
I was looking for a book that would give me insight into toddler development, as I know nothing about children ages 2-5 (as Dr. Klein defines toddlerhood). Now I have a toddler myself and have tremendous anxiety around parenting this little person. There’s so much advice, pressure, and hyper vigilance around parenthood! I wanted to learn more from experts about what’s “normal” and what to expect from my child during this phase of his life.
The info could be a little repetitive at times, but overall it’s an insightful read. At some points it even reads a bit as a self help book, thoughtfully pointing out the ways in which parents can enjoy the toddler years by changing their perspective to a “child-focused” POV.
Dr. Klein breaks down the biological and environmental reasons (ie: nature and nurture) children behave the way they do, while giving helpful advice to parents. The most useful piece of information to me was to check my own baggage from my childhood, as I believe that’s where the majority of my parenting anxiety stems.
I was looking for a book that would give me insight into toddler development, as I know nothing about children ages 2-5 (as Dr. Klein defines toddlerhood). Now I have a toddler myself and have tremendous anxiety around parenting this little person. There’s so much advice, pressure, and hyper vigilance around parenthood! I wanted to learn more from experts about what’s “normal” and what to expect from my child during this phase of his life.
The info could be a little repetitive at times, but overall it’s an insightful read. At some points it even reads a bit as a self help book, thoughtfully pointing out the ways in which parents can enjoy the toddler years by changing their perspective to a “child-focused” POV.
Dr. Klein breaks down the biological and environmental reasons (ie: nature and nurture) children behave the way they do, while giving helpful advice to parents. The most useful piece of information to me was to check my own baggage from my childhood, as I believe that’s where the majority of my parenting anxiety stems.
August 19, 2019
Excellent book on parenting
As a parent with a toddler (and a baby nearly a toddler), this is a helpful guide on how to parent by understanding our toddlers not just as children but as people with their own emotional needs. Great read. Thanks!
As a parent with a toddler (and a baby nearly a toddler), this is a helpful guide on how to parent by understanding our toddlers not just as children but as people with their own emotional needs. Great read. Thanks!
June 28, 2014
I'm on a bit of a parenting book binge. These books are never as sastifying or enlightening as you want them to me. Often they contain good bits of advice here or there but largely the just repeat what you probably already know if you're trying to be a conscientious parent. I really do need to take my friend Meredith's advice and just avoid these books entirely. That said, there are a few reasons that make this book worthwhile. She talks a lot about the need to be to see things from the toddler's perspective. Definitely a good reminder. There's also an important chapter on shame and its devastating effects. In our culture, we're probably only aware of the tip of the iceberg in terms of the damage shame wreaks. Just ask Brenee Brown. After reading what this author has to say, I'm thinking it's more important to spend your money on quality day care before you even begin to think about spending $ on private school v public school.
August 16, 2023
As much as I am glad with the clarifications given in this book for toddlers behavior, especially about sharing and response to a new sibling… as much as I felt regretful, very regretful for not reading it before I had my second son while my first toddler was only 1 year and 6months old, a so little creature habibi…
It made me guilty of many responses I did with him and will be having feelings of being in debt, debt of treating my milo right and amending such moments he had to deal with my temper and lack of understanding.
It made me guilty of many responses I did with him and will be having feelings of being in debt, debt of treating my milo right and amending such moments he had to deal with my temper and lack of understanding.
February 1, 2016
This book is basically how I knew I wanted to parent, but wasn't sure how to do exactly... does that make sense? I'm like a wellspring of empathy but I wasn't sure how to translate that to parenting because it's not how I was raised. So, this really gave me some backup so that what feels intuitively right to me is actually good... or something... yeah.
September 4, 2015
Most of this book really made sense to me. It really focuses on understanding and empathizing with toddlers, getting on their level, and seeing how the world looks for them at their current stage in mental and emotional development. I liked this a lot.
October 12, 2020
Very helpful in reframing your view to a toddler’s and using that knowledge to empower your relationship.
September 29, 2024
Very very good. Helpful in its illustration of how toddlers think and at what age certain things are even possible from a brain development perspective. Had some concrete tips too! Would recommend.
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