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What About the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce
The groundbreaking handbook that helps parents guide their children through divorce and co-parenting -- including the introduction of step-parents -- from a New York Times bestselling author and child psychologist.
This is the definitive work from the renowned child psychologist Judith Wallerstein on a subject that concerns millions of American moms and dads: How can you protect your children during and after divorce?
Divorce is not a single event but a lifelong trajectory of changed circumstances that demand a different kind of parenting than we have ever known. In What About the Kids? Wallerstein draws on thirty years of in-depth interviews with children of divorce and their parents to show how to create a new family with compassion and wisdom. It covers issues that arise at the time of divorce as well as suggestions for talking to your children months and years after the event.
Eminent psychologist Judith S. Wallerstein shares her unique insight and advice in What About the Kids? -- the first comprehensive guide to easing the impact of divorce on your children -- including:
This is the definitive work from the renowned child psychologist Judith Wallerstein on a subject that concerns millions of American moms and dads: How can you protect your children during and after divorce?
Divorce is not a single event but a lifelong trajectory of changed circumstances that demand a different kind of parenting than we have ever known. In What About the Kids? Wallerstein draws on thirty years of in-depth interviews with children of divorce and their parents to show how to create a new family with compassion and wisdom. It covers issues that arise at the time of divorce as well as suggestions for talking to your children months and years after the event.
Eminent psychologist Judith S. Wallerstein shares her unique insight and advice in What About the Kids? -- the first comprehensive guide to easing the impact of divorce on your children -- including:
400 pages, Hardcover
First published January 1, 2003
40 people are currently reading
122 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews
September 18, 2017
Helpful
I wish I had read this book before speaking with my kids about our divorce. Should be required reading for any couple considering breaking up.
I wish I had read this book before speaking with my kids about our divorce. Should be required reading for any couple considering breaking up.
April 9, 2013
The thing I like about this book is that it divides the chapters according to different age groups; for each age group there is a preferred/recommended way on how to tackle the topic of divorce. Toddlers are not like teenagers; the different needs & challenges of each age is outlined in a simple way for divorcing parents to comprehend. I have recommended this book to friends and family members; they all found it to be helpful!
February 20, 2019
Extremely comprehensive and filled with important guides
-Extremely thorough resource for anyone going through a divorce where children are involved. The authors break down all the different phases of divorce from the point where the husband and wife have made the decision, through second marriages and the handling of blended families. A whole collection of examples are given based on the experience of the authors which appears extensive. Some of the points that the authors make go against the common thinking, but they explain their reasoning for their statements throughout.
-It’s vital that children are in the loop and given a certain amount of notice before either of the parents move outside of the home. There is a breakdown by age of the child involved, with each separate age grouping being handled differently because those children react differently. Again, reasons for any action that’s suggested is given, but the range of issues covered is so extensive and universal, that if someone were to highlight the pertinent parts, they would be highlighting over half the book.
-There are so many lessons for every phase of the divorce. For example, in the beginning, the husband or the wife should explain to the children in person as to what’s happened to the marriage and explain what that means for the future, in order to reduce the negative impact to the child. The authors go into the feelings of guilt that a child may feel, as it’s common for them to blame themselves; their children’s actions, especially in the beginning of the divorce, may be with the goal of having the husband and wife reconcile and get back together, and each individual parent should be aware of that; they speak of the anger that may come out, and how certain children actually show no effect whatsoever, but they further explain that those children are just good at hiding and repressing their feelings, but it doesn’t mean that those feelings aren’t there.
-Because of the many players involved when there’s a divorce, guidelines are given for how those groups should support the father/ mother that they will be interacting with. Where you would normally think of the father, mother and child(ren) as those involved, there are also the grandparents to the child; there are aunts and uncles; friends & teachers, etc. All of these play a role in dealing with this situation.
-Practical legal advice is given, with a number of options presented as to how a couple can separate. (Court; mediation: arbitration) There are benefits and pitfalls with each and the beauty of this book are the full explanations that you get for each decision to be made. (The authors make a point in saying they are not attorneys and obtaining proper legal advice is the responsibility of the divorcing parents.) For someone not familiar with the court system, the explanation of how it works is a God-send.
-The authors then include whole sections on post divorce life: What happens if one of the now ex spouses starts to date; Issues that come up when one or both marry; Differences with what is legally in a divorce agreement with what, as a practical matter, actually happens and how to deal with it; the need for constant re-evaluation of the role of the two parents because of the ever changing circumstances with their own lives and the lives of their children, etc.
-By the time you reach the end, you’ll have received a broad knowledge in the field. Once this knowledge is obtained, the authors note that sometimes the couple realizes that it would be better to delay any plans of separation that they had. Whatever effort they expended before on properly raising their kids, the effort of divorced parents is increased exponentially. A side result of this reading is the realization of how very damaging this is to children of any age, to the point that many children will never be able to be completely healed from their trauma for the rest of their lives.
-Extremely thorough resource for anyone going through a divorce where children are involved. The authors break down all the different phases of divorce from the point where the husband and wife have made the decision, through second marriages and the handling of blended families. A whole collection of examples are given based on the experience of the authors which appears extensive. Some of the points that the authors make go against the common thinking, but they explain their reasoning for their statements throughout.
-It’s vital that children are in the loop and given a certain amount of notice before either of the parents move outside of the home. There is a breakdown by age of the child involved, with each separate age grouping being handled differently because those children react differently. Again, reasons for any action that’s suggested is given, but the range of issues covered is so extensive and universal, that if someone were to highlight the pertinent parts, they would be highlighting over half the book.
-There are so many lessons for every phase of the divorce. For example, in the beginning, the husband or the wife should explain to the children in person as to what’s happened to the marriage and explain what that means for the future, in order to reduce the negative impact to the child. The authors go into the feelings of guilt that a child may feel, as it’s common for them to blame themselves; their children’s actions, especially in the beginning of the divorce, may be with the goal of having the husband and wife reconcile and get back together, and each individual parent should be aware of that; they speak of the anger that may come out, and how certain children actually show no effect whatsoever, but they further explain that those children are just good at hiding and repressing their feelings, but it doesn’t mean that those feelings aren’t there.
-Because of the many players involved when there’s a divorce, guidelines are given for how those groups should support the father/ mother that they will be interacting with. Where you would normally think of the father, mother and child(ren) as those involved, there are also the grandparents to the child; there are aunts and uncles; friends & teachers, etc. All of these play a role in dealing with this situation.
-Practical legal advice is given, with a number of options presented as to how a couple can separate. (Court; mediation: arbitration) There are benefits and pitfalls with each and the beauty of this book are the full explanations that you get for each decision to be made. (The authors make a point in saying they are not attorneys and obtaining proper legal advice is the responsibility of the divorcing parents.) For someone not familiar with the court system, the explanation of how it works is a God-send.
-The authors then include whole sections on post divorce life: What happens if one of the now ex spouses starts to date; Issues that come up when one or both marry; Differences with what is legally in a divorce agreement with what, as a practical matter, actually happens and how to deal with it; the need for constant re-evaluation of the role of the two parents because of the ever changing circumstances with their own lives and the lives of their children, etc.
-By the time you reach the end, you’ll have received a broad knowledge in the field. Once this knowledge is obtained, the authors note that sometimes the couple realizes that it would be better to delay any plans of separation that they had. Whatever effort they expended before on properly raising their kids, the effort of divorced parents is increased exponentially. A side result of this reading is the realization of how very damaging this is to children of any age, to the point that many children will never be able to be completely healed from their trauma for the rest of their lives.
December 31, 2024
After going through a divorce three years ago, this book became one that I leaned on out of necessity of wanting to do my best for my young son. I found the book to be practical and to the point. There were several good tips, but also the authors also did not avoid being blunt, or try to make you feel good about a painful subject. Divorce is difficult, and it is most difficult for the children.
I like how this book focused on the development needs of the children during and after divorce. It's been three years, so I revisited this book again, to make sure I hadn't forgotten their advice, or if I needed to re-adjust what I had been doing. The last fourth of this book deals with how to fit into a new relationship with a new partner who may also have children of their own. I haven't started a new relationship yet, so this section doesn't apply to me, but I found the rest of the book to be very helpful. Divorce sucks, but books like this do help ease the transition and are most importantly, a good resource to help your kids get through it the best they can.
I like how this book focused on the development needs of the children during and after divorce. It's been three years, so I revisited this book again, to make sure I hadn't forgotten their advice, or if I needed to re-adjust what I had been doing. The last fourth of this book deals with how to fit into a new relationship with a new partner who may also have children of their own. I haven't started a new relationship yet, so this section doesn't apply to me, but I found the rest of the book to be very helpful. Divorce sucks, but books like this do help ease the transition and are most importantly, a good resource to help your kids get through it the best they can.
September 13, 2011
Judith Wallerstein has been studying divorce for several decades now and has written a slew of books on the topic; so many, in fact, that her name winds up in almost everything written on the subject. She's done a twenty-five year study on the long-term effects of divorce on children that informs much of her work. I expect to work my way through several of her books.
So far, the book has given very good advice on how to tell the boys; which points to cover, how to help them shape a family story that is positive and as comprehensive as necessary for their ages. She's thorough and kind and helpful.
Her asides here and there about adult children of divorce are really insightful, too; when there's time, I'll probably get some books about that and spend some more time "sitting around thinking about how I feel," as the Thumpers put it.
First things first, though. I've got kids to raise.
So far, the book has given very good advice on how to tell the boys; which points to cover, how to help them shape a family story that is positive and as comprehensive as necessary for their ages. She's thorough and kind and helpful.
Her asides here and there about adult children of divorce are really insightful, too; when there's time, I'll probably get some books about that and spend some more time "sitting around thinking about how I feel," as the Thumpers put it.
First things first, though. I've got kids to raise.
April 24, 2009
Getting divorced and have kids?
Know someone who is?
This is the book. Wallerstein attempts the challenge of discussing how children perceive divorce and what they need during several stages of childhood. It sounds obvious, but that is really, really hard to find in a book like this. This was the essential read for my divorce. I recommend it all the time.
I hope you never need it, but if you do...
Know someone who is?
This is the book. Wallerstein attempts the challenge of discussing how children perceive divorce and what they need during several stages of childhood. It sounds obvious, but that is really, really hard to find in a book like this. This was the essential read for my divorce. I recommend it all the time.
I hope you never need it, but if you do...
October 30, 2014
The authors discussed the developmental stages of children and how these abilities and limitations impact a child's experience of divorce. It provides recommendations for how to help children in each age group through divorce. Ultimately, it provides parents and professionals with the child's perspective of divorce as a continuing experience and not simply as a one time event. Highly recommend.
April 30, 2020
Very practical info - much good legal info - based on author's extensive study of divorced families over 25 years
Recommended by Melanie, therapist at Barkley and Associates
Recommended by Melanie, therapist at Barkley and Associates
August 20, 2008
A guide to helping your children cope with divorce the best way possible
October 22, 2009
I only read the section on remarriage so I can't comment on the whole book. Repetitive advice, but good to read none-the-less.
July 13, 2013
Made me realize anew that custody is about what is best for the kids, even if it means I won't get to see them as much when they're rebellious teenagers and want more freedom with dad.
February 7, 2016
This is an excellent book on divorce and the effects on children.
Displaying 1 - 12 of 12 reviews