After the Affair, Third Edition: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

by Janis Abrahms Spring

“Full of juicy, concrete advice to heal from an affair.” —Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, New York Times bestselling author of Mating in Captivity and The State of Affairs

From a clinical psychologist who served as a clinical supervisor in the Department of Psychology at Yale University, received the CPA’s award for Distinguished Contribution to the Practice of Psychology, and has treated couples and trained therapists for over four decades, this newly updated, award-winning book provides concrete, proven strategies for those who seek to survive their partner’s infidelity and to rebuild the relationship after an affair.

There is nothing quite like the devastation caused when a partner has been unfaithful. Hurt partners often experience a profound shattering of their familiar and valued sense of self and fall into a depression that can last for years. For the relationship, infidelity is often a death blow.

This new third edition of After the Affair, with more than 600,000 copies sold, helps guide both hurt and unfaithful partners through three stages of normalizing the crisis, deciding whether to recommit to their partner, and rekindling trust and sexual intimacy. It includes a new section in which patients ask questions not addressed in previous editions, and the author provides concrete strategies for earning trust and forgiveness.

Genres: Psychology, Self Help, Relationships, Nonfiction, Marriage, Counselling, Audiobook

402 pages, Kindle Edition

First published April 1, 1996

Reviews

[Lori · Rating 4 out of 5]

wish i didn't have to read this

[Jana · Rating 4 out of 5]

One of my fondest and core memories of my ex-boyfriend happened when I was 25.

I went out with my work colleagues and got drunk in the theatre bar where I met a guy who I liked a lot. ''I like you a lot,'' was my thought through an alcohol filter. I was experiencing a full-blown ego-trip; I was flattered, intoxicated, flirtatious, confident on GM as I was consciously opening my wrists to him while smoking. It was a subtle invitation.

I was young and delirious, and I knew that my boyfriend was sleeping on my pillow in our apartment. This sobering thought hit me hard in the middle of my licking and biting my lips session to achieve a look of being vulnerable yet approachable. My mind started tripping while I was enamoured with a sexy smile and buzzing pseudo innuendo talks.

I felt a split in my brain, unwelcoming double exposure; I wanted those white lies with this bar guy and I wanted those guilt trips which were making me nauseous. I sobered up instantly the minute he leaned closer, commenting on how he enjoys our banter and a second later I felt his perfume in my nostrils. He kissed me behind my ear and I felt sick. We were outside and the wind started its shivering game as exhausting goose pumps of shame were starting to paralyze my neck and arms. I did the only rational thing I could do; I started running for the nearest taxi. He was behind me, confused and embarrassed while I was horrified. I slammed the door and waved as it mattered. So sorry, yelled through the closed window when he put a palm on it.

Fifteen minutes later, I was opening the door of my flat and I came to our bedroom, deaf from the pounding tinnitus of my shameful heart, and I climbed in and embraced his back. He woke up and turned around to see my face. He smiled and smelled my hair. You bum, he said, you've been smoking. Yes, I half breathed out. ''How was it babe, did you have fun?'' And I just opened my mouth and said nothing; guilt scorching me while my red cells were trying to push as quickly as possible the shade of beetroot onto my skin.

Oh, that bad, he said as he started laughing. ''Does it burn? Let it burn sweets...that poor guy.''

This is what he said, let it burn sweets, that poor guy. And he lightly hugged me without kissing me goodnight, turned around again to his side and yawned, ''While you burn here, please don't forget to remove your makeup. You know how you're in the morning.'' And he fell asleep and I stared at our window afraid to move, shaking in disgust, hating myself and the silver grey of dawn’s small hours.

He woke up before me, made breakfast, watched me over the coffee mug rim and said into the cup; ''Was it worth it? What did you do?'' I said, ''Well, nothing really. I was just stupid. Playing around with people’s mind. There was this guy and we just flirted a bit, but, it was so wrong. Nothing happened really.'' I felt so little and ashamed and he was watching me intently, so I asked him how he knew that I had a rough evening.

''You’re a hugger Jana. And your hug was bone crushing last night. And I know you and your face tells it all. I love you - and I think it is awful what you did whatever you did, but it is more awful to you than it is to me, so let it burn a bit. And then open yourself up again sweets, you’re a good person and I know your intentions. I know why somebody would fall for you, the same reasons I did.''

I thought I knew him up to that moment. My love for him overwhelmed me and I was sick for a week, psychosomatic part took care of me as well. And my small night of beetroot turned into one of the most valuable lessons on human kindness. And it was the entrance into the life of the improvement.

So, I don't cheat. But people cheat. And if the 3rd person in your relationship isn’t consensual and if you are monogamous - and if you still have the energy to work on your battered love after the desired things which almost destroyed it, subdued, you will need to read this book.

[Les Murphy]

the best book I have found on the subject, most of these types of books are written from a female point of view but not this one.it deals with both sides.I would recommend this book to anyone who has been hurt by an unfaithful partner. it really helps answer all the questions you might have on why it happened & how to deal with all that pain & anger that goes along with it.may God bless anyone who has had to live through this ,I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

[Deedee · Rating 1 out of 5]

This is a horrible, narrow and pain-shopping book for betrayed partners. It relies on an outdated they-were-looking-for-what-you-dont-give-them view of affairs with an emphasis on the deficits of the betrayed partner. I want to reassure Partners that this has nothing to do with what they are or aren’t. Sexual acting out may be a product of serious addiction issues, the result of childhood neglect/ abuse, or the manifestation of a narcissistic personality disorder. I refer The author to the work of Omar Minwalla PhD about the genuine PTSD ( partner betrayal trauma) suffered by partners upon and following discovery. Stay away from this hurtful and myopic book. Awful awful awful...

[lala · Rating 2 out of 5]

I am currently on a deep reading spree, reading as many books about affairs as I can, because I have a repeated pattern of being the OTHER woman. I feel this text helped me more deeply grasp the seriousness of affairs, and particularly the emotional experience of the betrayed spouse. I struggled with the text because it of course does not tackle larger philosophical and existential questions around the purpose and history of monogamy, or questions around freedom, identity, or ownership, the way that Esther Perel’s books do. But this book also has a seriousness to it that Perel’s books do not. Perel’s books are for people who want to completely transform their relationship to love and their conception of the Self. This book is more for deeply monogamous people, who view polyamory with deep fear. This book is very mainstream. It implies that when people cheat, it is because the relationship is unhealthy and both people are responsible. It goes through all of the ways people should heal their marriage to “affair-proof” it. It never discusses why monogamous people seed their very lives and purposes, identities and destinies in one another. Again, it’s strength is discussing the emotional experience and landscape of both partners in a cisheteronormative, white monogamous marriage AND worldview when betrayal takes place. VERY Useful for understanding the amount of pain and confusion that the betrayed partner experiences, and for dispelling naivety and miscalculations the cheater and affair partner may have about that pain, esp if the affair partner and cheater have different feelings and world-views about monogamy generally.

[Suzanne Lorraine Kunz Williams · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are parts of this book that I would recommend and feel would be very helpful. And there are parts of this book that I think would be destructive.

I don't appreciate many things in the Epilogue - revealing the secret. I think the spouse always has a right to know if another spouse is being unfaithful.

I think she has many good suggestions on how to talk about the affair. I like what she has to say about saying goodbye to the affair-partner in no uncertain terms - cutting off all contact.

I like what she says how multiple betrayals can make it harder to heal.

I think one of my favorite chapters was Restoring Trust. I like what she has to say on asking for low cost behavior changes and high cost behavior changes. I love her Trust-Enhancing Chart and think any couple could benefit from a chart like that.

While I think that the chapter on learning about the affair had helpful parts - it's always good to see where people are dissatisfied in their marriage and strengthen those areas, I feel like the author didn't do a very good job reinforcing the idea that while both partners are responsible for building a good marriage together nothing justifies having an affair and not having an affair is the individual responsibility of each person.

I like how the author debunks the "man shortage" myth, citing statistics showing that 72% of women and 78% of men get remarried.

I like how she explores mindsets that lead many to justify cheating.

I found it interesting as she explored how men and women typically deal with their spouse having an affair.

I loved what she had to say as she explored the impact the psychological impact the affair can have on the faithful partner.

I don't like how the author seems to portray that pornography in a marriage can be good. I feel that pornography is always destructive to a marriage and destructive to society.

There is a chapter on sex that is pretty graphic and has many things that I disagree with. Some might decide to skip that chapter.

If you like pairing books with aromatherapy as much as I do, may I recommend doTERRA's Forgive blend. It's the perfect blend to help you process forgiveness of yourself and others.

**Talking points - This book will bring up plenty of talking points. My only suggestions are to be as kind as possible in your discussions. To stop the discussions if they start getting flooded and come back to them when you are more calm. All marriage have many things that need discussing. Keeping those discussions as edifying as possible is always a goal.

[Anna Wilkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

So helpful for working with my clients walking this painful road. Although everything in it does not align with my values, this resource tackles the taboo topic of infidelity with fairness and the obvious benefit of experience. I wish I had read it earlier on in my work with couples.

[Jillian HJ · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read this book once and am rereading it now that the reeling of discovery is over. I'm glad to be reading it again when my head is more clear and the situation is more clear. I appreciate the attention to explaining the whys of unfaithfulness and how a partner could get to a place where they step outside the marriage. I'm still trying to wrap my head around the implications and this books is helping me deal with them more objectively.

[Nara · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was ultimately not what I needed. It’s intended for couples who are in an “after” and who are trying to repair (we are divorcing, though we need to repair enough to be good co-parents). It had some decent perspective for the unfaithful partner, I thought, but I found Esther Perel’s Rethinking Infidelity much more to my taste and much less monogamously heteronormative.

[Morgan Menefee · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s hard to review this book when you’re still in the midst of the storm. But it seems practical and helpful. If nothing else, I’ve walked away from it knowing myself better.

[Inga Statkienė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Patiko. Smulkiai išnagrinėti įvairūs variantai. Visos poros yra skirtingi,nėra bendro patarimo visiems atvejams.

[Juan Rivera · Rating 3 out of 5]

This books speaks about how we should behave if we want to rebuild a relationship where we are or our partner has been unfaithful.

Interesting statistics, men are unfaithful to try and do not want to love; women because they want to love and feel loved.

Many women when they are deceived or deceiving seek to rebuild their relationship, most men only separate and go.

What is a fact is that the romantic and passionate love lasts only a few months or years at best, and what remains? A more spiritual and focused on the growth of the couple, in having things in common, friendship love.

Many times people are unfaithful by imitating their parents or other people's faults; that's sad, often it is unconscious .... and this causes great harm to the couple and the children. Things we have not managed make us being unfaithful is it not paradoxical?

One things interesting in book and I think it is true: do not stay in a bad relationship for the children, it is better to make a decision and the children will adapt (or will not), but suffer much more when you stay in a wrong relationship.

The good news is that there is always a chance to be faithful in your life and do things right ... it is the important message of the book ...

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fantastic book that transcends its title and subject matter. It's not just as simple as how to survive a partners affair. It's a great book for anyone, no matter where you are in your relationship. Or if your single, it applies also.

The book offers insight into our own feelings, thoughts, and perceptions about who we are attracted to. For instance, ever wondered why a habit or mannerism you thought cute or attractive when you first met your partner now drives you insane?

I never considered the fact that we carry unseen and unkown baggage into our relationships from not just previous romantic ones, but also from our perceptions of our parents marriage and/or interaction.

I found this book really helpful and continue to occasionally reread parts of it weekly. I highly recommend it for anyone whether they are dealing with infidelity, any kind of relationship struggle, and even those that are deliriously happy. Relationships take crazy work, they don't exist in a vacuum. The better we know ourselves the better partner we can be for those we love!

[Rachel Aranda · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book is such a surprise for me. I wasn't expecting to like this book because it is so old and feared the information would be outdated. It was nice that this was not the case. Another surprising factor was that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of both the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. Many books about cheating focus on the female perspective as they tend to be the ones who turn to feelings of depression. It is so refreshing to see a book for both sides of infidelity for all genders. This is a book that both partners should read so that they can have conversations about what happened, and what can be done to heal from the affair. The author doesn't take sides, but what she does is show how the affair hurts everyone involved. This book has also good suggestions that will lead to better communication.

[Jake · Rating 4 out of 5]

“Trust is not a gift. It must be earned, and not with verbal reassurances alone, but with specific changes in behavior. You, the unfaithful partner, need to demonstrate to your partner through bold, concrete actions that ‘I’m committed to you. You’re safe with me.’ You, the hurt partner, need to open yourself to the possibility of trusting again, and reinforce your partner’s efforts to win back your confidence. You can’t punish forever, you can’t be cold and distant forever, or your partner will give up trying to reconnect. You need to spell out exactly what your partner can do for you, and give this person a road map back into your life.”

This book read properly for the year it was originally published (1996): cishet and mainly allosexual and monogamy oriented, not a drip of anything intersectional. Little DV mentioned. Like, nothing queer.
AND
This book is a superb tool kit for non-judgmentally navigating repair-post-affair. Def CBT focused, and so validating and normalizing! The essentials were clear and well-outlined. Excellent sidewalk find~

[Katherine Philbrick · Rating 4 out of 5]

I had to sit and marinate everything this book had to say before writing my review.

First, I'm sorry if you have to read this. It's been months and I am still an emotional mess due to infidelity. I never thought I was going to be the girl who was cheated on, but it happened, and although I still cry once a day, I am still alive. I was looking for a "miracle cure" when picking out this book to read, and funny enough, this book taught me there is no real "miracle cure" for fixing all the trauma and sadness in your heart. You can talk to your partner, you can work through it together, but you can't fix the lies. You can't heal the betrayal over night. I don't agree with every single thing the author said in this book. Certain things said about the unfaithful partner stung me a bit, as the POV was almost a little TOO unbiased. But overall, this book was a nice pat on the back, assuring me that everything is going to be okay.

[Taylor Ellwood · Rating 5 out of 5]

What I like about this book is that the author looks at infidelity from the perspective of the cheater and the person cheated on. She shows readers how to get into each other's heads and hearts and understand why the affair happened as well as what needs to be done to help both people heal from the affair. This is a book that both partners should read so that they can have conversations about what happened, and what can be done to heal from the affair. The author doesn't take sides, but what she does is show how the affair hurts everyone involved. This book has also good suggestions that will lead to better communication.

[Frrobins · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a practicing therapist, I found reading this book very useful for working with couples going through an affair. It is written as a how-to manual for couples wanting to rebuild their relationship after an affair, and is packed with activities and exercises to help people examine their beliefs, feelings, thinking, and how their past contributed to their actions. It also comes with exercises to help a couple regain trust after an affair.

A must read for people experiencing infidelity or people who work with couples.

[Margaret Bishop · Rating 2 out of 5]

Don’t worry Arjun and I are great, I read this for a friend!

[Sarahlynn]

Periodically I lead a marriage enrichment course at church. This is one of the books I read in preparation for my first time leading such a course, several years ago. Just noting this here so that none of my friends notice the title and freak out. Everything's good. :)

[Mary Moody · Rating 4 out of 5]

It helped in the aftermath if my husbands indiscretion, but in the end, it was all on me. Was I going to survive or succumb to my broken heart. I chose to survive and, when I was ready, to forgive.

[Cari Long · Rating 3 out of 5]

My therapist recommended this book. I did not find this helpful. In fact it made me feel worse. I think for couples that stay together it's an excellent resource on how to navigate that though.

[Hector Matascastillo · Rating 1 out of 5]

Absolutely terrible book with horrible advice. There is research out there now - the writer, who has been a very well respected author and speaker, should review it.

[Camila · Rating 3 out of 5]

Pretty outdated. It did help validate feelings and understand your reactions, I just wish there was a newer version i could relate to better.

[Nicolas · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s regrettable that anyone would have to read such a book, but Spring does a great job with the difficult subject matter. There is so much to unpack and each case of infidelity can present its own unique challenges, but the book feels comprehensive in covering as much ground as possible. I appreciated that, just like in a quality marriage therapy session, the therapist doesn’t overtly take sides. However, gently asked each party to own their portion of the marital problems. A seasoned, highly successful psychologist, recommended this book to me. In turn, I encourage anyone that has been affected by infidelity to read this fine work.

I don’t have any specific reason I didn’t give it a 5 star review, perhaps other than the sensitive nature of the subject matter and it’s not the kind of book that leaves you feeling good inside. Yet working through the concepts and practices suggested can make recovering possible. Best of luck to anyone on this most awful rollercoaster ride of recovering from infidelity. You are not alone.

[David · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a good book for couples seeking to recover from an affair and for clinicians trying to understand the healing process. Mrs. Spring describes four phases - sorting through the emotional fallout, deciding whether to stay or quit, understanding the factors that led to the affair, and rebuilding trust. She also discusses how to talk about the affair and what to expect when couples begin having sex again. Spring comes from experience, is filled with a lot of good sense, anticipates objections, and is a good communicator. I don't agree with everything she writes (e.g., she says that fantasizing about others while having sex is harmless), but I think that couples who read this book will have a good picture of what to expect as they seek recovery.

[Nara · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a good book, don't get me wrong. It's just written for people who are trying to stay together after an affair has ended, which is not where I am, unfortunately. I think the advice is sound, the description of my end of things was accurate, and it had (importantly) a lot of clear and thoughtful advice for the unfaithful partner. Pretty heteronormative and monogamously oriented with occasional disclaimers. Apparently a classic. Maybe I would get more out of it if I were the target audience - I think it was recommended that we read it by someone who practices insight mediation and was interested in our future co-parenting relationship and potential friendship, but until the affair is "after" it's more triggery than helpful.

[Carolee · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is helpful, to an extent, as a therapist working with individual clients. That it was written in the 90s is evident. Couples seem to only be conceptualized as heterosexual and as part of a typical nuclear family (married with kids, leaning toward traditional gender roles).
There is great information related to exploring your relationship and considering what you bring - helpful and not - to it. The book covers how to explore what you want, what you can give, and whether a relationship still suits you. Plenty of helpful information if you can ignore the narrow definition of a relationship.

[Richard Schwindt · Rating 5 out of 5]

The aftermath of an affair is a cruel tangle of betrayal, confusion, guilt and loss of innocence. They leave couples and family emotionally desolated. Life is very complicated where it wasn't before. Couples can survive affairs and do all the time but that only happens in a context of honesty and accountability. Springs book is a classic of the subject, along with Frank Pittman's "Private Lies". If you have been involved in an affair or are supporting someone who has I would highly recommend reading this as part of the process of recovery.

[Roxana Sabau · Rating 3 out of 5]

It lacks the charm of more famous therapists like Esther Perel, but it's really practical.

Filled with relevant data, statistics, myth debunking. When reading such books, I think it's important to view the conclusion through a "medical" approach.

Leave your personal bias at the door. Obviously, cheating is wrong, no one condones it, and some people's behavior is downright infuriating and immature. The job of a therapist is not to pass judgment but to understand the psychological mechanisms that trigger certain behaviors.