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What We Carry: A Memoir
Maya Shanbhag Lang grew up idolizing her mother, an accomplished physician who immigrated to the United States from India and completed her residency all while raising her children. Maya's mother had always been a source of support-until Maya became a mother herself. Struggling to understand this abrupt change, Maya soon learns that her mother is living with Alzheimer's.Unable to remember or keep track of the stories she once told her daughter, Maya's mother divulges secrets about her past that force Maya to re-examine their relationship. Absorbing, moving, and raw, What We Carry is a memoir about mothers and daughters, lies and truths, receiving and giving care, and how we cannot grow up until we fully understand the people who raised us.
289 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 27, 2020
258 people are currently reading
14631 people want to read
About the author
Maya Shanbhag Lang
4 books236 followersMaya Shanbhag Lang is the author of What We Carry: A Memoir, (Random House, April 2020), a New York Times Editor's Pick and one Amazon's Best Books of 2020. She is also the author of The Sixteenth of June (Scribner), long listed for the Center for Fiction First Novel Prize and a Finalist for the Audie Awards for Best Audio Book. She has been featured in The New York Times, The Los Angeles Times, The Washington Post, In Style, and others.
Winner the 2017 Neil Shepard Prize in Fiction and the 2012 Rona Jaffe Foundation-Bread Loaf Scholarship in Fiction, she was a Finalist for Glimmer Train's Short Story Award for New Writers.
The daughter of Indian immigrants, she lives outside of New York City with her daughter. Visit her website at www.mayalang.com
Winner the 2017 Neil Shepard Prize in Fiction and the 2012 Rona Jaffe Foundation-Bread Loaf Scholarship in Fiction, she was a Finalist for Glimmer Train's Short Story Award for New Writers.
The daughter of Indian immigrants, she lives outside of New York City with her daughter. Visit her website at www.mayalang.com
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 554 reviews
May 28, 2020
“Maybe at our most maternal, we aren’t mothers at all. We’re daughters, reaching back in time for the mothers we wish we’d had and then finding ourselves.” This is such an achingly lovely, honest, insightful memoir, one that sings with truth about mothers and daughters (and every relationship). Maya Lang writes with grace and clarity, telling a story that is both informative and universal. Highly recommend.
August 3, 2020
Sometimes the best books are those we choose on a whim. This memoir was absolutely beautiful and I believe I shall "carry" it with me always. This is the most beautiful mother and daughter memoir as it covers not only motherhood but also caregiving for a person with Alzheimer's disease.
Goodreads review published 03/08/20
Goodreads review published 03/08/20
May 28, 2021
Giveaway Win!
Why is it so hard to write a review about a book you absolutely loved?
I loved this book! It might be my favorite book that I've read this year. This book will probably hit differently for those of us who have or are currently a sick parents caregiver. I took care of my terminally ill mother for the last 10 years of her life. I wouldn't trade it for the world but it was also extremely difficult.
Maya Shanbhag Lang realized that she never really knew her mother. All her life Maya had a certain view of her mother and placed her mother on a pedestal. It isnt until her mother developes Alzheimers and Maya becomes her primary caregiver that Maya begins to learn who her mother really was. What We Carry is her exploration of that relationship and how it effected her life choices.
This book was so amazing. I could relate to this book on so many levels. Maya Shanbhag Lang really opens herself up for this memoir. Maya makes you feel everything that she's feeling.
I loved this book but I cant even put into words how great this book is, you just need to read it yourself.
I highly recommend this book!
A Must Read!
Why is it so hard to write a review about a book you absolutely loved?
I loved this book! It might be my favorite book that I've read this year. This book will probably hit differently for those of us who have or are currently a sick parents caregiver. I took care of my terminally ill mother for the last 10 years of her life. I wouldn't trade it for the world but it was also extremely difficult.
Maya Shanbhag Lang realized that she never really knew her mother. All her life Maya had a certain view of her mother and placed her mother on a pedestal. It isnt until her mother developes Alzheimers and Maya becomes her primary caregiver that Maya begins to learn who her mother really was. What We Carry is her exploration of that relationship and how it effected her life choices.
This book was so amazing. I could relate to this book on so many levels. Maya Shanbhag Lang really opens herself up for this memoir. Maya makes you feel everything that she's feeling.
I loved this book but I cant even put into words how great this book is, you just need to read it yourself.
I highly recommend this book!
A Must Read!
April 12, 2021
What We Carry is a memoir of the author's relationship with her mother. As a second generation immigrant, Maya Lang always idealized her hardworking, intelligent mother who was a psychiatrist, but when Maya gave birth to a daughter and needed her mother most, her mother became unavailable.
Whenever it comes to mother-daughter relationship, it's complicated. In What We Carry, we read how Mary Lang reconciles the different versions her mother: the version from her childhood, the version she became aware after she grew up, and the version her mother gradually became after the onset of Alzheimer disease. Being a mother herself and caring for her aging mother, this memoir is also a journey of self-discovery.
This is a book about love, acceptance and letting go. It's written in terse sentences and in present tense. It reads like memory flashes.
Quotes:
"We must not judge....we can not know the weight of other woman's burden, whatever a woman decides, it is not easy."
"Does the demand for motherhood ever cease?"
Whenever it comes to mother-daughter relationship, it's complicated. In What We Carry, we read how Mary Lang reconciles the different versions her mother: the version from her childhood, the version she became aware after she grew up, and the version her mother gradually became after the onset of Alzheimer disease. Being a mother herself and caring for her aging mother, this memoir is also a journey of self-discovery.
This is a book about love, acceptance and letting go. It's written in terse sentences and in present tense. It reads like memory flashes.
Quotes:
"We must not judge....we can not know the weight of other woman's burden, whatever a woman decides, it is not easy."
"Does the demand for motherhood ever cease?"
May 6, 2020
This is what a mother’s love looks like to me. It looks like suffering.
There is a story that is referred to a lot Maya Shanbhag Lang’s memoir, What We Carry , it is about a mother crossing a river with her son. The mother realizes that the river is much deeper than expected and she had a choice to make, save herself or save her child in a river with her son… Maya and her Mother works to figure out what the mother in the story choice should be.
What We Carry is writer Maya Shanbhag Lang’s memoir about her relationship with her mother. It is well written, visceral, deeply moving, complicated, beautiful, nuanced and packed with so many different feelings. Maya documents what is like for her taking care of her very independent, brilliant, strong mother who is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She must recreate a story in her mind to make the changes in roles easier.
During her care taking Maya finds out more about her Mother’s past, things she wasn’t privy to, “secrets” that rock her to her core. This part for me really hit home, I really identified with Maya’s family, and when she wrote “I grew up with the understanding that the past was off-limits… My whole family avoided the subject. I have no idea how this unspoken pact was formed. I FELT THIS! So imagine having to take care of your mother with Alzheimer’s, who tells you her secret and you have no way of working through those emotions.
This book perfectly captures in a beautiful way, motherhood and mother-daughter relationships. I was blown away but the purity of the relationship and Maya’s commitment to being authentic to her story.
I highly recommend this one.
What I learned reading this book
I learned that pharmaceutical companies often out x and y In the product names (Xanax, Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac) because it makes them more memorable
The French refers to orgasm as la petite mort
There is a story that is referred to a lot Maya Shanbhag Lang’s memoir, What We Carry , it is about a mother crossing a river with her son. The mother realizes that the river is much deeper than expected and she had a choice to make, save herself or save her child in a river with her son… Maya and her Mother works to figure out what the mother in the story choice should be.
What We Carry is writer Maya Shanbhag Lang’s memoir about her relationship with her mother. It is well written, visceral, deeply moving, complicated, beautiful, nuanced and packed with so many different feelings. Maya documents what is like for her taking care of her very independent, brilliant, strong mother who is diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She must recreate a story in her mind to make the changes in roles easier.
During her care taking Maya finds out more about her Mother’s past, things she wasn’t privy to, “secrets” that rock her to her core. This part for me really hit home, I really identified with Maya’s family, and when she wrote “I grew up with the understanding that the past was off-limits… My whole family avoided the subject. I have no idea how this unspoken pact was formed. I FELT THIS! So imagine having to take care of your mother with Alzheimer’s, who tells you her secret and you have no way of working through those emotions.
This book perfectly captures in a beautiful way, motherhood and mother-daughter relationships. I was blown away but the purity of the relationship and Maya’s commitment to being authentic to her story.
I highly recommend this one.
What I learned reading this book
I learned that pharmaceutical companies often out x and y In the product names (Xanax, Paxil, Zoloft, Prozac) because it makes them more memorable
The French refers to orgasm as la petite mort
June 22, 2020
What We Carry: A Memoir by Maya Lang was one of the most heartfelt, emotional and beautiful memoirs I have read in a long time. Maya Lang's complicated relationship with her mother resonated and evolved throughout the pages of this memoir. Sometimes what a child sees is not always what is true. It took Maya a long time to realize and accept this fact about her mom. Perhaps becoming a mother herself, having suffered through postpartum depression and learning that her own mother had Alzheimer's later on in her life gave Maya the courage to question, look more closely and examine the 'real" relationship she had with her mother. What transpired during this reexamining forced Maya to come to terms with the parts of her childhood that she had looked at through rose colored glasses for so long. As these truths surfaced they molded Maya into a stronger version of herself and made her a better daughter, mother and wife.
As Maya Lang journeyed through her life, she visualized herself as a child that had a hard time fitting in, being the end product of immigrant parents, with an abusive father and a mother that could do no wrong, as a woman, loving wife, mother, author and above all else a daughter. I look back at my relationship I had with my mom and know that that relationship was beautiful, strong and honest. In my own way, as I am sure most daughters do, I tried to emulate the strengths and beauty of that relationship and pass it on to my daughters. My love for my daughters, as my mom's was for me, is unconditional and all encompassing. I believe that Maya became the strong woman she was because of the love she felt for her mom. Alzheimer's robbed Maya in some ways of her mother but also allowed her to finally see, accept and love her mother despite some of the misconceptions she viewed through her childhood. It also helped Maya's relationship with her daughter, Zoe, become stronger. Relationships can be tricky and take work. It is an ongoing process. Mothers have a hand in shaping their daughters into the people they will become and those same daughters will turn around and hopefully influence their daughters in a similar and positive way.
What We Carry: A Memoir by Maya Lang was truthful, heartfelt and emotional. I felt Maya's hurt and felt her happiness. The writing was beautiful. I admired her for being able to share these most private and emotional feelings in her story. I also admired how in the end she was able to forgive her mother for those situations that should have been solved differently and with more honesty. This is a wonderful memoir that will play havoc with all your emotions. I highly recommend it.
I received a complimentary edition of What We Carry: A Memoir by Maya Lang in a goodreads give away. Thank you to The Dial Press/Random House, goodreads and Maya Long for allowing me to read this beautiful book. All opinions expressed in this review are my own.
As Maya Lang journeyed through her life, she visualized herself as a child that had a hard time fitting in, being the end product of immigrant parents, with an abusive father and a mother that could do no wrong, as a woman, loving wife, mother, author and above all else a daughter. I look back at my relationship I had with my mom and know that that relationship was beautiful, strong and honest. In my own way, as I am sure most daughters do, I tried to emulate the strengths and beauty of that relationship and pass it on to my daughters. My love for my daughters, as my mom's was for me, is unconditional and all encompassing. I believe that Maya became the strong woman she was because of the love she felt for her mom. Alzheimer's robbed Maya in some ways of her mother but also allowed her to finally see, accept and love her mother despite some of the misconceptions she viewed through her childhood. It also helped Maya's relationship with her daughter, Zoe, become stronger. Relationships can be tricky and take work. It is an ongoing process. Mothers have a hand in shaping their daughters into the people they will become and those same daughters will turn around and hopefully influence their daughters in a similar and positive way.
What We Carry: A Memoir by Maya Lang was truthful, heartfelt and emotional. I felt Maya's hurt and felt her happiness. The writing was beautiful. I admired her for being able to share these most private and emotional feelings in her story. I also admired how in the end she was able to forgive her mother for those situations that should have been solved differently and with more honesty. This is a wonderful memoir that will play havoc with all your emotions. I highly recommend it.
I received a complimentary edition of What We Carry: A Memoir by Maya Lang in a goodreads give away. Thank you to The Dial Press/Random House, goodreads and Maya Long for allowing me to read this beautiful book. All opinions expressed in this review are my own.
April 30, 2020
Maya Lang’s novel The Sixteenth of June* was one of my top three novels of 2014, so I was eager to read her next book, a forthright memoir of finding herself in the uncomfortable middle (the “sandwich generation”) of three generations of a female family line. Her parents had traveled from India to the USA for her mother’s medical training and ended up staying on permanently after she became a psychiatrist. Lang had always thought of her mother as a superwoman who managed a career alongside parenthood, never asked for help, and reinvented herself through a divorce and a career change.
When Lang gave birth to her own daughter, Zoe, this model of self-sufficiency mocked her when she had postpartum depression and needed to hire a baby nurse. It was in her daughter’s early days, just when she needed her mother’s support the most, that her mother started being unreliable: fearful and forgetful. Gradually it became clear that she had early-onset Alzheimer’s. Lang cared for her mother at home for a year before making the difficult decision to see her settled into a nearby nursing home.
Like Elizabeth Hay’s All Things Consoled, this is an engaging, bittersweet account of obligation, choices and the secrets that sometimes come out when a parent enters a mental decline. I especially liked how Lang frames her experiences around an Indian folktale of a woman who enters a rising river, her child in her arms. She must decide between saving her child or herself. Her mother first told this story soon after Zoe’s birth to acknowledge life’s ambiguity: “Until we are in the river, up to our shoulders—until we are in that position ourselves, we cannot say what the woman will do. We must not judge. That is the lesson of the story. Whatever a woman decides, it is not easy.” The book is a journey of learning not to judge her mother (or herself), of learning to love despite mistakes and personality changes.
*One for me to reread in mid-June!
Full disclosure: Maya and I are Facebook friends.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
When Lang gave birth to her own daughter, Zoe, this model of self-sufficiency mocked her when she had postpartum depression and needed to hire a baby nurse. It was in her daughter’s early days, just when she needed her mother’s support the most, that her mother started being unreliable: fearful and forgetful. Gradually it became clear that she had early-onset Alzheimer’s. Lang cared for her mother at home for a year before making the difficult decision to see her settled into a nearby nursing home.
Like Elizabeth Hay’s All Things Consoled, this is an engaging, bittersweet account of obligation, choices and the secrets that sometimes come out when a parent enters a mental decline. I especially liked how Lang frames her experiences around an Indian folktale of a woman who enters a rising river, her child in her arms. She must decide between saving her child or herself. Her mother first told this story soon after Zoe’s birth to acknowledge life’s ambiguity: “Until we are in the river, up to our shoulders—until we are in that position ourselves, we cannot say what the woman will do. We must not judge. That is the lesson of the story. Whatever a woman decides, it is not easy.” The book is a journey of learning not to judge her mother (or herself), of learning to love despite mistakes and personality changes.
*One for me to reread in mid-June!
Full disclosure: Maya and I are Facebook friends.
Originally published on my blog, Bookish Beck.
April 24, 2022
I can't recollect how this ended up on my reading list, but I am glad it did.
A woman faces judgment no matter what she chooses. The author has deftly highlighted the instances where society puts imperceptible pressure on women while men are let off the hook.
A notable example is handling a newborn baby. The onus primarily rests on the mother.
An amazing book on motherhood, and all the ups and downs that come along with it.
A woman faces judgment no matter what she chooses. The author has deftly highlighted the instances where society puts imperceptible pressure on women while men are let off the hook.
A notable example is handling a newborn baby. The onus primarily rests on the mother.
An amazing book on motherhood, and all the ups and downs that come along with it.
September 19, 2020
• r e c o m m e n d a t i o n •
.
"Maybe at our most maternal, we aren’t mothers at all. We’re daughters, reaching back in time for the mothers we wish we’d had and then finding ourselves." - Maya Shanbhag Lang.
.
Perhaps because of the close bond that I share with my mother or maybe because I enjoy reading about relationships that carry a certain amount of intimacy to them, What We Carry moved me immensely. Not often does one come across a memoir that speaks of both, glory as well as shortfalls of mothers. Little did I know that after I'd finish reading the last page, I'll fall short of words to comprehend the enormity of this memoir's impact on me. If there's one book you're trying to squeeze in this year, please add What We Carry to your list. This book has my whole heart.
.
Maya Lang always thought of her mother as a powerful, independent and fierce woman who moved to the States and raised the family single-handedly. After the divorce, her mother worked multiple jobs to keep the family afloat and Maya grows up in awe of her mother's strength. This strong image of her mother wavers when Maya becomes pregnant. While dealing with postpartum and depression, Maya begins to analyse her relationship with her mother without the rose tinted glasses. When asked for help, her mother simply refuses to assist her and this leaves Maya flabbergasted. A woman who drove hours to make sure her daughter was comfortable in the University, outrightly denies to help her during the pregnancy. Maya cannot understand this side of her mother. But when the mother is diagnosed with Alzheimer's, things fall into place.
.
There's a significant shift that occurs when Maya begins to recall her childhood spent with a practical mother and an abusive father. As she dissects the relationship that she shared with her mother, she comes to think of her as a person. Not as a mother. When Alzheimer's robs Maya of her mother's love, she focuses on understanding her mother's life better. As she works through her mother's illness, she feels the bond with her daughter Zoe grow stronger. As the mother-daughter duo speak candidly about various events that spanned across their lives, they pull back and examine several layers that formed their intricate and complicated relationship. Her mother's vulnerability paired with strength reminded me of my own mother. Maya has a gift to connect with the readers and this memoir felt relatable in more than one aspect. I felt her pain, her joy, her need to seek her mother's approval and the constant effort to match up to her mother's level of service. It all felt personal. Mother-daughter relationships are both easy and at times complicated, and What We Carry projects all of this beautifully. Maya is a powerful writer, saying things that were lodged in my head but never made it onto a piece of paper. Everything about this memoir struck a chord with me and even as I write this review, I know very well that I'll go back to this book time and again to seek comfort and warmth. I highly recommend this.
.
Rating : 5/5.
.
"Maybe at our most maternal, we aren’t mothers at all. We’re daughters, reaching back in time for the mothers we wish we’d had and then finding ourselves." - Maya Shanbhag Lang.
.
Perhaps because of the close bond that I share with my mother or maybe because I enjoy reading about relationships that carry a certain amount of intimacy to them, What We Carry moved me immensely. Not often does one come across a memoir that speaks of both, glory as well as shortfalls of mothers. Little did I know that after I'd finish reading the last page, I'll fall short of words to comprehend the enormity of this memoir's impact on me. If there's one book you're trying to squeeze in this year, please add What We Carry to your list. This book has my whole heart.
.
Maya Lang always thought of her mother as a powerful, independent and fierce woman who moved to the States and raised the family single-handedly. After the divorce, her mother worked multiple jobs to keep the family afloat and Maya grows up in awe of her mother's strength. This strong image of her mother wavers when Maya becomes pregnant. While dealing with postpartum and depression, Maya begins to analyse her relationship with her mother without the rose tinted glasses. When asked for help, her mother simply refuses to assist her and this leaves Maya flabbergasted. A woman who drove hours to make sure her daughter was comfortable in the University, outrightly denies to help her during the pregnancy. Maya cannot understand this side of her mother. But when the mother is diagnosed with Alzheimer's, things fall into place.
.
There's a significant shift that occurs when Maya begins to recall her childhood spent with a practical mother and an abusive father. As she dissects the relationship that she shared with her mother, she comes to think of her as a person. Not as a mother. When Alzheimer's robs Maya of her mother's love, she focuses on understanding her mother's life better. As she works through her mother's illness, she feels the bond with her daughter Zoe grow stronger. As the mother-daughter duo speak candidly about various events that spanned across their lives, they pull back and examine several layers that formed their intricate and complicated relationship. Her mother's vulnerability paired with strength reminded me of my own mother. Maya has a gift to connect with the readers and this memoir felt relatable in more than one aspect. I felt her pain, her joy, her need to seek her mother's approval and the constant effort to match up to her mother's level of service. It all felt personal. Mother-daughter relationships are both easy and at times complicated, and What We Carry projects all of this beautifully. Maya is a powerful writer, saying things that were lodged in my head but never made it onto a piece of paper. Everything about this memoir struck a chord with me and even as I write this review, I know very well that I'll go back to this book time and again to seek comfort and warmth. I highly recommend this.
.
Rating : 5/5.
May 20, 2022
I'm definitely in the minority/minority here, but until the last quarter of the book, I found pretty much everything about this book annoying. The story is ostensibly about the difficulties of taking care of a parent who has early onset dementia compounded by the complicated relationship that preceded the onset of the disease. The segments related to the care were often poignant. However, whether intended or not, the book (in my view) was written from the perspective of, "Look at all the terrible things that happened to me!"
At various points, the author (who was a married adult at the beginning of the book) seems to make it clear that she believed her mother owed her a certain way to be that would carry on into perpetuity. Even before she knew that her mother had early onset dementia, she complained that her mother (who even then obviously had something wrong with her) didn't tend to her needs by immediately coming from the east coast to the west coast to help her with her newborn. The daughter never thought to investigate why this refusal (anomalous in her view) was occurring, but rather just complained about it for a third of the book, even blaming her mother for her own mental difficulties.
Even before the reader makes the discovery that the mom has a physical issue, I found it odd that the daughter would even ask her mother to take leave from her job and come take care of her child in Seattle. The mom, after all, was nearing retirement age and probably not in any condition to be the caretaker of a newborn. Nonetheless, there is no indication that the author took any interest in what was happening with mom, or, in any way, thought she should be responsible for making her mom's life easier or better (regardless of whether mom was sick or not).
I expected a shift when it was made known that Mom had dementia, but the author pretty much remained angry that she wasn't getting the mom she wanted to have. (Apparently the mom who "fixed" everything and was more self-sufficient.) This anger was only partially aimed at the disease; it was often aimed at mom as the author tried to reason with a person who wasn't fully capable of reasoning. There was only a limited acknowledgment of any revelation that, "Wow, I really need to shift how I'm looking at this. It's my turn to be the caretaker now." Even if that occurred, it would soon go back to frustration and anger that the author couldn't make mom the person that she wanted her to be.... And that spiraled into delving into how mom maybe hadn't been so great a mom anyway and how that had also screwed up the author's life.
One of the things that the author either didn't get or didn't convey was that even the most dedicated and altruistic parents can't save the day into perpetuity. Even those parents who don't get to the stage of being elderly do get older and less capable. Even before the author's mom was known to be sick, I thought the author had a pretty high expectation about what the mom should be doing as a parent. There really didn't seem to be a part of the book (at least for me) where the author looked at her mom as an individual human being as opposed to the person appointed to a particular role in the author's life. I did see some sympathy, but not a lot of empathy, and always through the lens of how everything affected the author, not what the mom was going through and why.
I have had an extensive amount of experience with elder care, especially with difficult elders. I also had parents who weren't always quite what I hoped they might be or what I needed them to be. I think I was sufficiently angry in my twenties and perhaps thirties and probably did have unrealistic expectations of them. However, when your parents get to a certain age, you come to realize that you're not going to be able to rehab them into people who care about things that are important to you (or validate the "you" you want validated) if that's not who they've ever been. They're also going to stop being the people who can jump in to save the day in situations they may have "fixed" previously.
It's pretty trendy now to write memoirs about how our parents wrecked our lives. For a variety of reasons, many of them did -- some purposely; some because they couldn't change things or didn't know any better because of the times they grew up in. Despite our best efforts, we will likely do the same to our own children for one reason or another. I understand that some people's parents were really terrible and it is difficult to ever put aside that trauma, but that really wasn't true of the author. Although I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to be immune from the frustration of dealing with a person who has Alzheimer's or dementia, too often I felt as though the author's focus was primarily on the "self" as opposed to an unfairness of a situation that many are enduring with much more grace and insight.
It would be interesting to know how the author will view this memoir when she is a senior citizen and her daughter asks her to take off a few weeks to travel cross country to take care of a newborn. I'm not writing that as an insult either. There are an awful lot of things that, as a younger more selfish person, I thought my mother should have been doing that I thought I was owed or that I believed would have been beneficial for her (ostensibly, beneficial for me). Now that I've reached a certain age, I could weep over what I didn't fully understand about my expectations for either of my parents, but especially my mother.
At various points, the author (who was a married adult at the beginning of the book) seems to make it clear that she believed her mother owed her a certain way to be that would carry on into perpetuity. Even before she knew that her mother had early onset dementia, she complained that her mother (who even then obviously had something wrong with her) didn't tend to her needs by immediately coming from the east coast to the west coast to help her with her newborn. The daughter never thought to investigate why this refusal (anomalous in her view) was occurring, but rather just complained about it for a third of the book, even blaming her mother for her own mental difficulties.
Even before the reader makes the discovery that the mom has a physical issue, I found it odd that the daughter would even ask her mother to take leave from her job and come take care of her child in Seattle. The mom, after all, was nearing retirement age and probably not in any condition to be the caretaker of a newborn. Nonetheless, there is no indication that the author took any interest in what was happening with mom, or, in any way, thought she should be responsible for making her mom's life easier or better (regardless of whether mom was sick or not).
I expected a shift when it was made known that Mom had dementia, but the author pretty much remained angry that she wasn't getting the mom she wanted to have. (Apparently the mom who "fixed" everything and was more self-sufficient.) This anger was only partially aimed at the disease; it was often aimed at mom as the author tried to reason with a person who wasn't fully capable of reasoning. There was only a limited acknowledgment of any revelation that, "Wow, I really need to shift how I'm looking at this. It's my turn to be the caretaker now." Even if that occurred, it would soon go back to frustration and anger that the author couldn't make mom the person that she wanted her to be.... And that spiraled into delving into how mom maybe hadn't been so great a mom anyway and how that had also screwed up the author's life.
One of the things that the author either didn't get or didn't convey was that even the most dedicated and altruistic parents can't save the day into perpetuity. Even those parents who don't get to the stage of being elderly do get older and less capable. Even before the author's mom was known to be sick, I thought the author had a pretty high expectation about what the mom should be doing as a parent. There really didn't seem to be a part of the book (at least for me) where the author looked at her mom as an individual human being as opposed to the person appointed to a particular role in the author's life. I did see some sympathy, but not a lot of empathy, and always through the lens of how everything affected the author, not what the mom was going through and why.
I have had an extensive amount of experience with elder care, especially with difficult elders. I also had parents who weren't always quite what I hoped they might be or what I needed them to be. I think I was sufficiently angry in my twenties and perhaps thirties and probably did have unrealistic expectations of them. However, when your parents get to a certain age, you come to realize that you're not going to be able to rehab them into people who care about things that are important to you (or validate the "you" you want validated) if that's not who they've ever been. They're also going to stop being the people who can jump in to save the day in situations they may have "fixed" previously.
It's pretty trendy now to write memoirs about how our parents wrecked our lives. For a variety of reasons, many of them did -- some purposely; some because they couldn't change things or didn't know any better because of the times they grew up in. Despite our best efforts, we will likely do the same to our own children for one reason or another. I understand that some people's parents were really terrible and it is difficult to ever put aside that trauma, but that really wasn't true of the author. Although I certainly wouldn't expect anyone to be immune from the frustration of dealing with a person who has Alzheimer's or dementia, too often I felt as though the author's focus was primarily on the "self" as opposed to an unfairness of a situation that many are enduring with much more grace and insight.
It would be interesting to know how the author will view this memoir when she is a senior citizen and her daughter asks her to take off a few weeks to travel cross country to take care of a newborn. I'm not writing that as an insult either. There are an awful lot of things that, as a younger more selfish person, I thought my mother should have been doing that I thought I was owed or that I believed would have been beneficial for her (ostensibly, beneficial for me). Now that I've reached a certain age, I could weep over what I didn't fully understand about my expectations for either of my parents, but especially my mother.
January 11, 2020
“Maybe at our most maternal, we aren’t mothers at all. We’re daughters, reaching back in time for the mothers we wish we’d had and then finding ourselves.”
What begins as a self-reflected motherhood becomes an externalized motherhood, becoming mother to a mother, and discovering that mothers are not perfect. This might not be a shock to most people, but it was to Lang, who discovers things about her mother that fundamentally alter everything she knew about how her mother survived, planned, and lived her day-to-day life in her years after immigrating to the United States from India. In reckoning with those new truths, Lang faces the lies that shaped her into the person she is today, and the consequences, both positive and negative, that those stories had on her life.
Throughout, however, she is resistant to judge harshly her own mother, recognizing how harshly mothers are judged in general, a point driven home by the occasional repetition of an old tale her mother had told her about a mother wading across a river with her baby. When the water becomes too deep, the mother has to make a choice: herself or her child. Neither choice brings praise, both condemnation. But there is no answer, until you are the mother wading in the river. Lang finds a way to choose both herself, her child, and her mother, in a beautiful memoir that I can’t wait to recommend to everyone I know.
I received an ARC of this book from NetGalley
What begins as a self-reflected motherhood becomes an externalized motherhood, becoming mother to a mother, and discovering that mothers are not perfect. This might not be a shock to most people, but it was to Lang, who discovers things about her mother that fundamentally alter everything she knew about how her mother survived, planned, and lived her day-to-day life in her years after immigrating to the United States from India. In reckoning with those new truths, Lang faces the lies that shaped her into the person she is today, and the consequences, both positive and negative, that those stories had on her life.
Throughout, however, she is resistant to judge harshly her own mother, recognizing how harshly mothers are judged in general, a point driven home by the occasional repetition of an old tale her mother had told her about a mother wading across a river with her baby. When the water becomes too deep, the mother has to make a choice: herself or her child. Neither choice brings praise, both condemnation. But there is no answer, until you are the mother wading in the river. Lang finds a way to choose both herself, her child, and her mother, in a beautiful memoir that I can’t wait to recommend to everyone I know.
I received an ARC of this book from NetGalley
May 26, 2020
There were some very poignant moments in here and revelations about mother daughter relationships that will stay with me for a while. There were also some annoyingly cliche thoughts scattered throughout that had me cringing involuntarily. The first 2/3rd of the book was just stunning and I so related with it and learned so much. The last third was a memoir of caregiving and decline, which I related with less, but really appreciated anyway.
November 17, 2020
"What does it mean for a woman to choose herself? It means having the audacity to see her own worth. For so long, I couldn’t do this. I created illusions."
Excerpt From: "What We Carry: A Memoir" by Maya Shanbhag Lang is a book that I shall "carry" with me forever.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that this book was addictive. Every word, every story, every memory was achingly poignant, lovely and celebrated the relationship the author shared with her mother. The dedication to the book which reads as "For my mother. Both versions" foreshadows the unfolding of the story and yet the anticipation to know more never stops.
Mother - daughter relationships are complicated, and this is an honest portrayal at its best. We see three version of Maya's mother- the idealistic version conjured up in her mind, the more realistic humane version and gradually the person who remained a shell of her former self post Alzheimer's
All these versions help Maya in her own journey of motherhood. She learns through her own struggles that the rosy picture her mother painted was not without its own smudges. The clinks in the armour were always there but it took a hopeless diagnosis, rekindling of bonds and lot of talking to understand the truth. To see your superhero at their most vulnerable side is painful in its own, Maya almost has an illuminating experience in the whole ordeal.
The book also address's immigrant life, harsh reality of Indian society where even a woman who is rich, educated is still bound to the shackles of an abusive relationship. The honesty with which she has shared her personal struggles, the childhood trauma her father inflicted on the children while growing up and the disjointed family resulted from years of enduring this is too real.
I teared up reading some parts and have highlighted almost the entire book. Maybe that says something about how much I loved it. Heart breaking and beautiful in every way.
Couldn't have picked a better book for #nonfictionnovember ✨
Excerpt From: "What We Carry: A Memoir" by Maya Shanbhag Lang is a book that I shall "carry" with me forever.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that this book was addictive. Every word, every story, every memory was achingly poignant, lovely and celebrated the relationship the author shared with her mother. The dedication to the book which reads as "For my mother. Both versions" foreshadows the unfolding of the story and yet the anticipation to know more never stops.
Mother - daughter relationships are complicated, and this is an honest portrayal at its best. We see three version of Maya's mother- the idealistic version conjured up in her mind, the more realistic humane version and gradually the person who remained a shell of her former self post Alzheimer's
All these versions help Maya in her own journey of motherhood. She learns through her own struggles that the rosy picture her mother painted was not without its own smudges. The clinks in the armour were always there but it took a hopeless diagnosis, rekindling of bonds and lot of talking to understand the truth. To see your superhero at their most vulnerable side is painful in its own, Maya almost has an illuminating experience in the whole ordeal.
The book also address's immigrant life, harsh reality of Indian society where even a woman who is rich, educated is still bound to the shackles of an abusive relationship. The honesty with which she has shared her personal struggles, the childhood trauma her father inflicted on the children while growing up and the disjointed family resulted from years of enduring this is too real.
I teared up reading some parts and have highlighted almost the entire book. Maybe that says something about how much I loved it. Heart breaking and beautiful in every way.
Couldn't have picked a better book for #nonfictionnovember ✨
July 2, 2020
A very conventional memoir, both in style and theme. Such works need to be elevated by a certain level of insight or wisdom in order to stand out. I just don't feel like I got a lot reading Lang's book.
February 2, 2020
This is a gorgeously written memoir about mothers and daughters. The writing was not only so beautiful but so many things resonated deep within me. Highly recommend for all mothers or daughters.
January 29, 2021
I was crying at the end but only because the author articulates so beautifully what it's like to be a daughter, and then to have to be the mother of your own mother. And what the loss of your mother feels like. In the author's case, she loses her mother to dementia, but it's so relatable to watching a loved one fade away from any type of illness.
She also writes so clearly about how difficult it is as women to choose ourselves, but how it means we can be so much better in all the roles we must play: sibling, daughter, mother, friend, caretaker.
She talks at length about how growing up with who both her parents were (or, in some cases, who she thought they were) shaped her as an adult, and her struggle to parent her own child in better, healthier ways.
She does a wonderful job of weaving in writing and stories and the place they have in all our lives, and how sometimes the stories we tell others are a kindness, not a lie. But at other times, they are a way of deceiving ourselves as well as those to whom we tell them.
Her candor about her own depression and a suicide attempt are honest and yet don't read as overly dramatic. She didn't have a terrific childhood, and watching her over time draw into focus the things her psychiatrist told her is so interesting. And her recognition that asking for help and leaning on others is not a weakness is such a good reminder.
This book is for women of any age, but especially women who are, or have been, in the middle between their own children and their aging parents.
I could underline or highlight most of this book - I just loved her writing. A few parts that stand out:
Pg 24: I don't know how to become someone whose choices add up coherently. This is what terrifies me. My daughter needs someone who has answers. I have nothing but questions.
Pg. 72: I write back and tell my dad it isn't a great time. I expect to feel guilty, like a terrible human being. Instead, I feel relief. For once, I've made my life easier. I've been my own ally, just as I want Zoe to be for herself. I'm making better choices in my life not despite my child, but because of her.
Pg 131: She never dreamed that by failing to mention the support she'd received, I would feel guilty for needing it. She didn't realize that in omitting her struggles, I would question the legitimacy of mine. She didn't see that a mother's story affects a daughter's choices. Shame prevented her from speaking about that time. Shame leads to silence. This is it's real triumph, not the guilt we carry, but that we move forward without saying a word.
She also writes so clearly about how difficult it is as women to choose ourselves, but how it means we can be so much better in all the roles we must play: sibling, daughter, mother, friend, caretaker.
She talks at length about how growing up with who both her parents were (or, in some cases, who she thought they were) shaped her as an adult, and her struggle to parent her own child in better, healthier ways.
She does a wonderful job of weaving in writing and stories and the place they have in all our lives, and how sometimes the stories we tell others are a kindness, not a lie. But at other times, they are a way of deceiving ourselves as well as those to whom we tell them.
Her candor about her own depression and a suicide attempt are honest and yet don't read as overly dramatic. She didn't have a terrific childhood, and watching her over time draw into focus the things her psychiatrist told her is so interesting. And her recognition that asking for help and leaning on others is not a weakness is such a good reminder.
This book is for women of any age, but especially women who are, or have been, in the middle between their own children and their aging parents.
I could underline or highlight most of this book - I just loved her writing. A few parts that stand out:
Pg 24: I don't know how to become someone whose choices add up coherently. This is what terrifies me. My daughter needs someone who has answers. I have nothing but questions.
Pg. 72: I write back and tell my dad it isn't a great time. I expect to feel guilty, like a terrible human being. Instead, I feel relief. For once, I've made my life easier. I've been my own ally, just as I want Zoe to be for herself. I'm making better choices in my life not despite my child, but because of her.
Pg 131: She never dreamed that by failing to mention the support she'd received, I would feel guilty for needing it. She didn't realize that in omitting her struggles, I would question the legitimacy of mine. She didn't see that a mother's story affects a daughter's choices. Shame prevented her from speaking about that time. Shame leads to silence. This is it's real triumph, not the guilt we carry, but that we move forward without saying a word.
April 24, 2025
A poignant, heart-breaking, thoughtful, beautiful book! It’s a lovely, aching reflection on the realities of being a mom and even more so, a daughter. The author wrote this with so much vulnerability & care that I could feel myself empathizing and understanding deeply how she was feeling in any given moment. A tough book to swallow, but one that feels so important and steeped in layers of gray - life isn’t easy, there are no black and white decisions. An absolute must read! And I made the decision to listen to the author herself narrate the book, even though I’m not a traditional audio book listener, I thought it added yet another element for this particular story. It deserves all the stars!
July 15, 2022
I loved this book. Did I agree with all her conclusions? No. But it made me think, it made me re-read, it made me learn, it made me feel. It made me talk about it. A beautiful story, one that inspires me to open my own blank document and start writing.
June 6, 2024
This book is beautiful. The mother-daughter connection that is complex and intriguing but exhausting is hard to capture but Maya did! It’s interesting to read about experiences with her mother and know that mine were different but still relate somehow? Having lost my mother now for 2 1/2 years the tears don’t flow as easily and I am finally able to reflect on what she taught me and the stories she told herself and to me. It’s hard to see the faults in your mother and also give her grace for what she couldn’t do in her life. I need to continue to let myself choose freedom in areas I’ve let guilt live and let myself be seen and stand up for myself in a house full of boys
November 30, 2021
Surpassed my expectations and they were high.
Insightful, empowering and relatable I loved this memoir exploring motherhood. I’m left with much to contemplate and think it would make for an excellent book club book.
Insightful, empowering and relatable I loved this memoir exploring motherhood. I’m left with much to contemplate and think it would make for an excellent book club book.
April 29, 2020
First, thank you to Dial Press for a free hard copy.
This memoir is EVERYTHING.
I read an advanced e-copy in mid March, around the time the shelter in place orders started. So emotions were already high, and this book was like a salve to my soul.
Maya’s parents immigrated to the US from India, and Maya spent the majority of her life idolizing her mom. The strength to start over in a new country, build a successful career, and maintain a home for her husband and children. This story has all the elements of the making it in America immigrant dream, and Maya revered her mom for all she accomplished.
But the truth is never quite so dreamy. Maya’s journey to understand who her mom truly is begins when she discovers her mom has Alzheimer’s. She starts examining the myths and stories she told herself and what happens when confronted with the reality of who her mom actually is - human, flawed, and doing her best.
In addition to Maya’s story about her and her mother, I was floored by the truths Maya illuminated in her upbringing. Moments that I thought were mine alone. My eyes widened more than once, when Maya shared an insecurity or struggle she had. Something I didn’t know others experienced. And then wondered if these insecurities I struggled with, and could not name, were more common than I gave credit for.
Reading this book felt like watching an episode of THIS IS US or reading MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE. It’s heartfelt and relatable and it hits at that part of you that wants to feel connected.
WHAT WE CARRY is a story about mothers and daughters. The way relationships evolve. The ebb and flow of family dynamics. I’m grateful to Maya for sharing her story, and 100% recommend this book.
This memoir is EVERYTHING.
I read an advanced e-copy in mid March, around the time the shelter in place orders started. So emotions were already high, and this book was like a salve to my soul.
Maya’s parents immigrated to the US from India, and Maya spent the majority of her life idolizing her mom. The strength to start over in a new country, build a successful career, and maintain a home for her husband and children. This story has all the elements of the making it in America immigrant dream, and Maya revered her mom for all she accomplished.
But the truth is never quite so dreamy. Maya’s journey to understand who her mom truly is begins when she discovers her mom has Alzheimer’s. She starts examining the myths and stories she told herself and what happens when confronted with the reality of who her mom actually is - human, flawed, and doing her best.
In addition to Maya’s story about her and her mother, I was floored by the truths Maya illuminated in her upbringing. Moments that I thought were mine alone. My eyes widened more than once, when Maya shared an insecurity or struggle she had. Something I didn’t know others experienced. And then wondered if these insecurities I struggled with, and could not name, were more common than I gave credit for.
Reading this book felt like watching an episode of THIS IS US or reading MAYBE YOU SHOULD TALK TO SOMEONE. It’s heartfelt and relatable and it hits at that part of you that wants to feel connected.
WHAT WE CARRY is a story about mothers and daughters. The way relationships evolve. The ebb and flow of family dynamics. I’m grateful to Maya for sharing her story, and 100% recommend this book.
December 4, 2020
“Maybe at our most maternal, we aren’t mothers at all. We’re daughters, reaching back in time for the mothers we wish we’d had and then finding ourselves”
“A mother’s story affects a daughter’s choices”
A beautiful memoir, which touched me so deeply. I was literally in tears , at some parts of this book. The experience was like a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am so much attached to my mother. I admire her !! She is my solace for everything. I cant pass a day without making a call to her. I recognised my postpartum depression by venting the anger to my mother. Being a daughter and a mother, I could totally empathise every chapter myself.
The book narrates the relationship of the author with her mother and how she recognises the real mother, (or the reality of a woman) tearing the mythical part. What she believed, experienced and the realities were entirely different. So, this clearly moves through three layers of motherhood. The mother whom she respected, admired gradually turns to a dementia patient. She copes up with this unacceptable condition of her mother and tries her best to take care of mom. Sometimes its justifiable for a woman to prioritise ourselves.
The author’s experience as an academic, new mom, postpartum depression, how she fights for a career, physical strength along with the mental strength, dementia suffering mother, as a wife is interesting, because this is what happens in real life, no drama anywhere. Overall, I loved reading “What we carry on” it was like floating through my inner selves at certain moments.
“A mother’s story affects a daughter’s choices”
A beautiful memoir, which touched me so deeply. I was literally in tears , at some parts of this book. The experience was like a roller coaster ride of emotions. I am so much attached to my mother. I admire her !! She is my solace for everything. I cant pass a day without making a call to her. I recognised my postpartum depression by venting the anger to my mother. Being a daughter and a mother, I could totally empathise every chapter myself.
The book narrates the relationship of the author with her mother and how she recognises the real mother, (or the reality of a woman) tearing the mythical part. What she believed, experienced and the realities were entirely different. So, this clearly moves through three layers of motherhood. The mother whom she respected, admired gradually turns to a dementia patient. She copes up with this unacceptable condition of her mother and tries her best to take care of mom. Sometimes its justifiable for a woman to prioritise ourselves.
The author’s experience as an academic, new mom, postpartum depression, how she fights for a career, physical strength along with the mental strength, dementia suffering mother, as a wife is interesting, because this is what happens in real life, no drama anywhere. Overall, I loved reading “What we carry on” it was like floating through my inner selves at certain moments.
May 23, 2021
The way the memoir is set up meant that my emotional journey as a reader paralleled the author’s - I felt like I was in her shoes, experiencing abandonment and confusion just as she does. I thought this was very well done.
What didn’t work for me was the fragmented way the story proceeded, especially in the second half. Each chapter had a punchline, an observation, or a momentous realization - but these stories felt cherry-picked. I felt underwhelmed/unmoved by these big moments, because I didn’t feel like I had seen enough of the rest of their lives. It almost felt like diary entries marking days when you learned important things, with little information on what’s happening in between.
What didn’t work for me was the fragmented way the story proceeded, especially in the second half. Each chapter had a punchline, an observation, or a momentous realization - but these stories felt cherry-picked. I felt underwhelmed/unmoved by these big moments, because I didn’t feel like I had seen enough of the rest of their lives. It almost felt like diary entries marking days when you learned important things, with little information on what’s happening in between.
July 16, 2024
Gorgeous memoir about motherhood and the expectations on women as the author navigates raising her own daughter while taking care of her mother with Alzheimer’s
March 6, 2021
I devoured this book in two days. A touching memoir about mothers and daughters, sacrifice and choosing oneself, stories and truths, and Alzheimer’s. There’s a lot of revelation and wisdom in this book.
March 21, 2025
This felt so empowering and I’d recommend that any woman (or man honestly) who feels a sense of family or cultural obligation (that can sometimes be crippling) read this! It’s really helped me feel more grateful despite the ups and downs and remind myself that’s it’s okay to choose yourself!
March 31, 2020
"Maybe at our most maternal, we aren't mothers at all. We're daughters, reaching back in time for the mothers we wish we'd had and then finding ourselves."
Maya Shanbhag Lang always idolized her mother, a brilliant physician who immigrated from India to the U.S. But then a change in her mother’s temperament led to an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. As she took on her mother and young daughter’s care, Lang learned that despite their closeness, there was much to learn about her mother’s past.
This memoir is so emotionally powerful, and written so well. Lang's story is heartbreaking and hope-making at once, and her reflections on motherhood and daughterhood will take your breath away. Having a parent with dementia is such a painful topic that I struggled to pick this one up, but once I did, I couldn't put it down.
Thanks to NetGalley and Dial Press for the ARC in exchange for my honest review.
Maya Shanbhag Lang always idolized her mother, a brilliant physician who immigrated from India to the U.S. But then a change in her mother’s temperament led to an Alzheimer’s diagnosis. As she took on her mother and young daughter’s care, Lang learned that despite their closeness, there was much to learn about her mother’s past.
This memoir is so emotionally powerful, and written so well. Lang's story is heartbreaking and hope-making at once, and her reflections on motherhood and daughterhood will take your breath away. Having a parent with dementia is such a painful topic that I struggled to pick this one up, but once I did, I couldn't put it down.
Thanks to NetGalley and Dial Press for the ARC in exchange for my honest review.
March 10, 2021
Mothers and daughters, perhaps the most complicated of relationships, add dementia and alzheimer's and you have this book of love, loss and finding. Although it can seem repetitive and at times self-indulgent, the writer needs to take the time for the reader to understand the complexity of her relationship and journey with her mother. Much of the discussion centers around erasure, of women bearing children and then in our author's case, serving as her mother's caregiver. Salient points are made, i need to go back and reflect on these.
My favorite quote from the book: “Maybe at our most maternal, we aren’t mothers at all. We’re daughters, reaching back in time for the mothers we wish we’d had and then finding ourselves.”
My favorite quote from the book: “Maybe at our most maternal, we aren’t mothers at all. We’re daughters, reaching back in time for the mothers we wish we’d had and then finding ourselves.”
May 25, 2020
What a deeply felt memoir from a brilliant and lyrical writer. Lang allows us a view into the complexities of her relationship with her mother and, in doing so, gives us a gift by which to understand our own. She does with with a humility and honesty that is humbling to this reader. I couldn't put it down.
November 17, 2020
A moving and honest examination of a mother/daughter relationship and an instructive manual for how to choose yourself when you're a mother who feels buried in responsibility and caregiving. I read this in just a few days; it was impossible to put down. Perfect for those interested in exploring mother/daughter relationships.
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