The Great Sex Rescue: The Lies You've Been Taught and How to Recover What God Intended

by Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, Joanna Sawatsky

What if it's not your fault that sex is bad in your marriage?Based on a groundbreaking in-depth survey of 22,000 Christian women, The Great Sex Rescue unlocks the secrets to what makes some marriages red hot while others fizzle out. Generations of women have grown up with messages about sex that make them feel dirty, used, or invisible, while men have been sold such a cheapened version of sex, they don't know what they're missing. The Great Sex Rescue hopes to turn all of that around, developing a truly biblical view of sex where mutuality, intimacy, and passion reign.The Great Sex Rescue pulls back the curtain on what is happening in Christian bedrooms and exposes the problematic teachings that wreck sex for so many couples--and the good teachings that leave others breathless. In the #metoo and #churchtoo era, not only is this book a long overdue corrective to church culture, it is poised to free thousands of couples from repressive and dissatisfying sex lives so that they can experience the kind of intimacy and wholeness God intended.

Genres: Nonfiction, Christian, Marriage, Sexuality, Relationships, Christian Living, Faith

261 pages, Kindle Edition

First published March 2, 2021

About the author

Sheila Wray Gregoire is an award-winning author of 9 books, including the ground-breaking Great Sex Rescue, and founder of BareMarriage.com. She's passionate about changing the evangelical conversation about sex to something that is mutual, initimate, and pleasurable for both. She heads up a team of researchers who want to bring evidence-based, healthy advice to evangelicalism when it comes to relationships. Sheila lives in Belleville, Ontario, with her husband Keith. They are the parents of two adult daughters.

Reviews

[Ylva · Rating 5 out of 5]

Often we criticize porn for reducing sex to something merely physical and for disrespecting and objectifying women, only to receive the same messages, wrapped in Christianese and peppered with Bible verses, from the pulpits on Sunday, in marriage classes and bestselling Christian books. "Sex is a need women don't have". "Do not deprive." "If a husband doesn't have enough sex, he will be tempted to watch porn and cheat." But we as Christians deserve a better message about sex that puts Jesus at the center. And this book wants to start the conversation about how we can do better.

"Authors and pastors [...] say women need to understand men. [...] What we're saying in this book is that women do understand men. [...] What we need now is for men to understand women."

Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Lindenbach and Joanna Sawatsky believe that in order to have great sex, we need to dismantle misconceptions about female and male sexuality and replace them with the truth. Actually, they don't just believe that, but back up their claims with a massive survey of 20,000 women. In this survey, they could cleary see the effects of harmful teaching on sexuality in marriage as women that were fed these harmful messages were more likely to experience pain and suffer emotionally.

But what are these harmful messages? That sex is just for men. That women don't have a sex drive. That women don't need to orgasm or don't need foreplay and that it's normal they will engage in uncomfortable, unenjoyable sex because that is their marital duty. That men are unable to stay faithful and pure if they don't get as much sex as they want. That marital rape doesn't exist.

Sheila tackles each of these in a chapter and shows how these teachings release men from accountability and the need to cultivate self-control. How they harm and hurt women. And she provides a better way forward: what to teach instead, how to discover joyful intimacy for both partners and how to have these conversations as a couple. At the end of each chapter, there are suggestions for couples and questions for reflections in each chapter.

Biblical sexuality is worth rescueing and I am so thankful for Sheila for starting this conversation.

Wholeheartedly recommended for married couples and couples preparing for marriage as well as pastors, counselors and educators.

Disclaimer: I received a free copy via Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

Here, at last, is a Christian book on sex in marriage that not only comes from a healthy perspective but also offers ways to reframe the distinctly unhealthy perspectives that have pervaded Christian literature for decades. The authors combine extensive research, statistics, and analysis with a very readable style and humour to create a book that affirms sex as a mutually satisfying part of marriage. No minced words here: they speak what their numbers show and call out popular mainstream Christian books for propagating harmful, even abusive, attitudes towards sex. I’m recommending this book to all who have been disillusioned by their past experiences with books on the subject.

[Sally · Rating 3 out of 5]

Interesting book, one of a group of books I'm reading because I know younger Christians find these books relevant and meaningful and I'd like to be knowledgeable. This book is in reaction to books like "Love and Respect", "Sheet Music", "His Needs, Her Needs", etc. which focused on women being available to their husbands to help them not fall into sexual sin. This book wants women and men to understand that sex is about more than that, should be pleasurable for and desired by both partners, and if that isn't the case, here are some tips..... :)

This book made me feel schizophrenic. I read it with many hats on, so to speak.... as someone who has read the older books, as an older person in a long marriage, as someone who wanted to hear what the authors had to say AND as someone who kept thinking, "Enough already! You're making too much of this!"

For women who are experiencing some of the problems in the book, this would probably be helpful to read, but only if your husband had the capacity to listen and care. If that wasn't the case, this would be just another book that women read and get more frustrated and sad about their situations. (Why is it that the women are typically the ones reading, anyway?!!?)

Maybe this book is more important at the current moment in history because SEX is such an idol in our culture and so it must be addressed? I'd love to hear what Elisabeth Elliot or Edith Schaeffer would say about this topic.

I'm at a stage in life where it seems like one had better realize that the pendulum keeps swinging back and forth.... don't assume your short slice of life entitles you to a clear understanding of the truth. So many of these "reaction to..." books have the mindset of "we've got it figured out now, unlike the blockheads of the past, so just listen to us!". Beware such hubris. The Fall has clouded all of our minds and hearts.

[Cindy Rollins · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF

I was way open to accepting and enjoying this book for a new perspective but in the end the bombastic style and hyperbole just got to me. Surely, we can be less biased than this. Surely, we can look squarely at the past without so much sneering.

[Crystal Blomgren · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rarely do I read a book that shakes me to my core and totally changes my paradigm. The Great Sex Rescue, however, did just that.

After I got married nearly 16 years ago, I was looking for books on sex. How to do it, how to enjoy it, how to not feel guilty for having it (raised in the culture where any discussion about sex for any reason was not permitted, sex was just a base male need that we put up with having to satisfy and that women can use sex as a weapon against their husband to punish them for literally anything), I was desperate to figure this subject out. I mean desperate.

So I read everything I could get my hands on about the subject published by Christian sources. Some books left me more confused. Several confirmed my upbringing that sex is only enjoyable for men, if a woman receives pleasure just consider it a bonus. That the only goal in sex is to orgasm simultaneously and that a woman reaching climax through any means other than penetration is taking the easy way out. Then there were the books that made sex a duty for the woman to endure so she can be loved in the way she wants from her husband, that not having sex for pretty much any reason is disrespectful to her husband, and that men NEED sex regularly while a woman doesn't need it.

All of the reaffirmed to me how bad of a wife I was being. I questioned myself constantly if I was giving my husband enough sex. If I was pleasing him enough. If during the times I was dealing the trauma of my past and I would literally shut down during sex (in the effort of transparency, let me just say I was raised in a home that dished out every form of abuse except physical and the trauma of that lingers to this day. And yes, I've been in trauma therapy. Unfortunately, there will always be fall out in various forms from the abuse depending on what's going on in life and stored body memories and all that) if that was dishonoring to him/living in the past/not being respectful to him.

The Great Sex Rescue is the resource we need to combat the lies, misinformation and silence of the church and Christians from the past. Looking at what we've had for "Biblical" resources until now, the book breaks down the harmful and down right hurtful teachings we've been either receiving or espousing ourselves through the years. So many "Christian" resources basically treat women as the receptacle for their husband's needs and pleasure without giving any thought as to how that degrades and cheapens us as human beings.

I have spent years trying to find balance in the teachings about sex. I was scared to look at secular books because I do not ascribe to that world view. And now, finally, a voice of reason on this topic. A voice that says that women should receive pleasure from sex. Women are not the vessels that men have to fulfill carnal needs. That men can control themselves. That women aren't responsible for a man choosing to use pornography. That a wife isn't at fault for her husband choosing to cheat on her. That sex is good, and right and should be pleasurable to both parties involved. That incredible sex for women can and should happen. That a good sex life is crucial to a good marriage, but that you can't have that without true intimacy and respect flowing both ways. That yes, we can heal from the horrible teachings we've had thus far and change the future for our children.

In a way, I am incredibly sad for what I read in the past and tried to follow. It didn't work out for me at all. It did nothing but frustrate me, make me feel like a bad wife, and then angry at myself for feeling used when I pushed through with sex when I didn't want to (so as not to be a disrespectful wife). Thankfully, my husband is the kindest, sweetest man on earth and he's assured me in the past that he wants me to enjoy our time together. That he doesn't want to cause me pain and that he's more than happy to stop if my trauma memories come flooding in randomly (he never read any of the popular books on the subject, which I think helped a lot). I am sad for the fact that I have missed so much these last 16 years. This book has helped me so much in reframing my mindset and defining our sex life and marriage into something totally more amazing than I dreamed possible. I am going to admit, it is going to take me a lot more work in regards to healing from my past, but, I know that it will be worth it. Not just for me, but also for us.

The Great Sex Rescue used research, real surveys from women (which I answered at least one of them myself) and the Bible to delve into the teachings of the past and how they don't work. Why they don't work and that yes, we can do and should do better. It also addresses pain during sex, what can cause it and that it can be fixed in ways no other church resource has. It affirms the humanity of women, doesn't make them subservient to men's whims and desires and espouses a mutuality that no other faith based resource has. This is a must read book for anyone who is married. This is a must read for any faith based counselor who counsels married people. This is a must for pastors and shepherds to have as a resource for a people who are desperate for the truth.

Finally, as a woman, I have been seen and my heart's cry to be recognized and value in society regarding the teachings of sex have been heard. While I have been exceedingly and abundantly blessed with an incredible husband who already thought this way for the most part, the longings I couldn't put into words have been finally given a voice. It is going to take some time, but I will put the false teaching to rest that resides inside my head. I pray this book reaches many and helps other women to realize their worth and value and that we don't have to settle for being second class anything anywhere, including in the marriage bed.

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I pre-ordered this book because I follow Shelia’s Facebook page and really value what she writes, so I was pretty sure this would be good. It actually far exceeded even my expectations! I *loved* it. I want *everyone* to read it. I wish it had existed in the past so I could have read it 15 years earlier.

I grew up during a time when everyone was reading books like For Men Only during college, and books like Love and Respect when they got married. Unfortunately, those books had some pretty negative impact in terms of how they framed things like sex and lust (men need it and women don’t, lust is inescapable, women should just do it even if they don’t want to, and basically no mention of sexual pain or abuse) and how their unhealthy teachings affected many marriages. This book is so, so good because it faces all of that head-on: it clarifies which teaching is unhealthy and what healthier teaching looks like—more mutual, more focused on a joyful and fulfilling sexual relationship between spouses, more full of responsibility and clear communication, directly addressing abuse, discussing sexual pain. The authors conducted extensive surveys for the book (20,000 women, and she talks about why they only surveyed women but the book itself is for both women and men) and much of the book talks about those findings and what they reveal. It’s not just random ideas the authors had, but real research into how these faulty ideas have impacted us.

The blurb for the book sounds like this book is only for couples currently experiencing sexual dysfunction, but I think the application is much wider that that. I pre-ordered the book before I knew what the blurb said, and now having read the book I think that bit sells it short because it has so much broader usefulness. It also would be fantastic to read pre-marriage to help course correct before problems start, and awesome to read as a Christian parent or youth pastor as we think about guiding teens in the areas of sex and lust. People who counsel married couples definitely too. This book is just SO GOOD.

[Kathie LaRue · Rating 5 out of 5]

If I could go back and time and give myself one book before my wedding, it would be this book! Seriously, if you grew up in church, or if you have read any of the Christian bestselling books on marriage out there, you need to read this book. If you've ever attended a church where women/girls were told to dress more modestly to "protect the men," you need to read this book.

This book has sparked a lot of good conversations between my husband and me. It gives me confidence to talk to our children about attraction and sex in a healthier way. I'm recommending it to every married woman I know, and to anyone who plans to get married in the future. It's so good!

[Abby Nall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Anyone in a Christian marriage has struggled in some form with the proper role and practice of sexual intimacy. Some of that is the inevitable result of the Fall. But a great deal of it is due to unbiblical teachings that are unresearched yet repeated without questioning. This book is the beginning of the answer to those unbiblical teachings.
By analyzing survey results from over 20,000 women and focus groups from subsets thereof, Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna have crafted a scientific, empathetic exposé of the harm done within the church by teachings such as: sex is a man's need, not a woman's; lust is every man's battle; women need to unconditionally respect their husbands; and women need to give their husbands obligation sex to keep them from watching porn.
The authors, while Christians, don't dwell a great deal on the proper Biblical interpretations to combat these teachings, which would muddle up the clear presentation of the data.. It should be obvious that God intended marriage to be good, (even "very good") and that it is not His will for women to be harmed in their marriages. As a starting point for evaluating what kind of marriage and sex teaching we should be promoting in our churches, this book is excellent.
For individual couples struggling with the effects of the toxic teachings addressed herein, this book is 1) intellectually and emotionally freeing in the information presented and 2) practical in starting the healing process, with exploratory exercises and discussion questions for couples at the end of each chapter.
However drastic or subtle the harm to your marriage caused by misplaced teaching bearing the "Christian" label, this book is a must-read. Buy extra copies to give to newlyweds in your life.

[Amy Hansen · Rating 2 out of 5]

Most of the problems here boil down to bad theology. She wants to address legitimate issues, but starts by denying a complimentary view of the sexes thereby ensuring she won’t really be able to solve much in a fundamental theology level.

On top of that, while yelling about the ditch on one side of the road (men can’t do wrong in their sex life) she pretty much drives into the ditch on the other side of the road (women can’t do wrong in their sex life). Woman can, in fact, be the primary destroyer of their sex life and marriage much as men can. It’s equal opportunity that way. Read Proverbs.

While their are issues with church teaching in this area, she takes waaaaay too many of her cues from the pagans, and specifically the feminists. That ain’t the solution.

[Trevor Teakle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Men, this book is a must read! This book is not just for women or even just couples. This book will change your outlook on sex and marriage. If you have read books like Every Man's Battle or Love and Respect, then this book is one that you NEED to read to understand the lies that you’ve been taught and how to recover what God intended!

The Great Sex Rescue will open your eyes to the harmful teachings from many of these books. If you aren't married, are going to be married, or are married, make sure that you read this book. Sex was made by God to be mutually pleasing to both males and females. This book breaks the myth that men must have sex or they will turn to porn and be unfaithful as so many other books teach. “Evangelical culture has used frequency as the measure of marital and sexual satisfaction even though research has found that frequency is not an accurate predictor at all - even for men.”

This book has made me cringe from the many examples from other books that have been written, that talk about sex, and the stories from other women and how they have been taught that they must be in a marriage. I have cried from some of these same stories that show women were treated like objects for sex. To think that this is and has been taught for years in best selling books by well known authors is heartbreaking.

This book helps redefine how we look at the word “sex” and makes it more than just intercourse. This book will change you and your marriage for the better!


Definitely worth purchasing and reading! It will give you a great perspective of harmful teaching that is in many of the other "Christian" books about marriage and sex. If you haven't ordered your copy, you can get an early copy by clicking here. https://greatsexrescue.com/

Preorder Bonuses: If you pre-order The Great Sex Rescue, they will send you a package of a summary of their research results, their rubric that they used to ascertain if a book had helpful or harmful teachings, and the scorecard of the books they graded so you can see which ones passed–and which best-seller got a score of zero, actively promoting every single harmful teaching they looked at.

#GreatSexRescue

[Bonnie · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't really have adequate words for this book right now. It was like talking to a reassuring friend and a therapy session all in one. The authors quote many of the most popular teachings in the church regarding sex, and point out the logical conclusions of these beliefs, which reveal them for the toxic beliefs that they are. Each chapter ends with ways to reframe the conversation, so that not only are we confronting the harmful teaching, but we are actively working to rebuild and reshape our thinking and teaching on the subject. Definitely worth reading!

[Lois Eagles · Rating 5 out of 5]

I devoured this book in 4 days and I’m left reeling. I have no idea how to sum it all up! I plan to buy at least 10 more for giving away. This book is revolutionary. Sheila NAILS it, repeatedly, all over the place. I cannot recommend it highly enough for undoing all the crappy things we were taught about sex!

It’s like when we were first married, I was handed a lovely little box of beliefs, neatly packaged up in books like Love & Respect, Sheet Music, For Women Only, etc. They said if I followed these beliefs, I would be the wife God wanted me to be and my husband would be happy and this was the perfect recipe for marital bliss. Well guess what? LIES, ALL LIES!!!! These beliefs actually lead to pain, abuse, enabling addiction, stripping away personhood from women, viewing men as powerless to their urges, and basically just overall literal DISASTER.

In The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila, Rebecca & Joanna literally come to the Rescue and throw back the covers on all the mess:
-Lies we’ve been fed in the most popular Christian sex & marriage books are uncovered, and exposed for what they are
-The insanity of those beliefs and broken logic that backfires horribly in marriage are called out
-Abuse is shown to be abuse instead of being excused continually
-Addiction is called what it actually is instead of being enabled, and they urge you to seek professional help
-Women are called people, deserving of care and basic human kindness. Women are spoken of as being worthy and valued, not merely objects to be used.
-Men are called to be the men that Jesus sees them as and can empower them to be, not helpless wimps
-Men & women are pointed to Jesus instead of formulas that stereotype and paralyze us

This book is for you if:
-you’ve ever read the popular Christian marriage books and they’ve sat wrong and you felt more hopeless afterward, like you were broken
- you feel like if only you were better, prettier, more in shape, said “yes” more often, focused more on him, then your sex life would be better
-you feel like you are merely an object in your marriage
-you don’t enjoy sex or think that your body “just doesn’t work how it should”
-if you have pain in sex
-you believe that if you just try harder in your marriage, it will be better. If you give more sex, more happily, more enthusiastically, it will improve and he will be happier

If any of these resound with you, please snatch up this book as fast as you can!!! Maybe you will find, like me, that you were building on a broken foundation and no amount of fixing would ever produce the result you are looking for. There’s a better way. There’s hope for something better. There’s hope for freedom and togetherness and mutuality and safety and pleasure and love where BOTH individuals matter and are allowed to have a say and be able to give willingly.

A few quotes:
-“Women are given a beautiful picture of shame-free, passionate sex but then are bombarded by dangerous teaching rampant in these same books: it’s her duty to give him sex when he asks, regardless of how she feels; sex is something he will take from her because he needs it so badly; all men lust, so she needs to do her part if she wants her husband to stay faithful. Our theology of sex has to go beyond the creation story in Genesis, of being naked and not ashamed, and encompass so much more.”
-“When you are repeatedly told that you are not allowed to say no to sex and that what you need is less important than what your spouse needs, that is a deep rejection of you as a person.”
-“We needed to give people explicit permission to reject the aspect of the evangelical zeitgeist [beliefs] that were holding them back”
-“It is perfectly reasonable for a woman to expect her husband to live out his wedding vows. She isn’t being selfish. She isn’t failing to understand what it is to be a guy. She is standing on biblical principles.”
-“Not being able to look at a woman treats women like threats rather than people. And what do you do with threats? You neutralize them…Well, people treat lust the same – just get rid of the woman! Or at least tell them to cover up…. The irony is that by equating attraction with lust, we’ve boiled women down to their bodies, whether a man is avoiding her completely or lusting about her…. The key to defeating lust is not to avoid looking at women; it’s to actually see them.”
-“God does not blame women for causing men to sin simply by existing”
-“You don’t build a great sex life by telling a woman that unless she becomes wholly available to her husband in such a vulnerable way, he will betray her by turning to pornography.”
-“Your experience matters. God gave you discernment. You’re allowed to use it. When you read something or hear something, you don’t need to believe it just because it came from a Christian leader. Look for Jesus in what they are saying, and if He is not there, discard it.”

I believe that in The Great Sex Rescue, Sheila, Joanna & Rebecca will bring light and hope to countless marriages where pain and defeat currently rule.

[Laura · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm trying to figure out how long this book will be relevant. Gregoire is determined to take on some of the most pernicious ideas about sex that have infiltrated Christian marriage books, and she does that with grace and courage. However, I can't tell after one (quick) reading whether this is a book that stands on its own, or rather stands in opposition to ideas that needed correcting. I can't tell if it lays out a positive, forward-moving theology of sex that will actually help people who haven't been harmed by poor thinking on this subject. I left the book still waiting for... something.

It certainly lives up to its subtitle by correcting the lies you've been taught, but I wonder what this book has to offer someone who hasn't been taught those lies. Without getting overly personal, I will say that I'm familiar with all the teachings she mentions (and have read at least some of the books she corrects), but I can't claim to have been damaged or worse off because of those teachings. Even if you haven't personally been hurt by these teachings, the book is chock full of stories that show just how easily these theories can become toxic tools of manipulation in a relationship. I'm so glad she tackled this difficult, awkward, personal subject. This book will be a gift to many, many people and an eye-opening experience for many more. All that to say, I hope Gregoire has another book in her. I think this one clears debris and leaves room for a better ethics of sexual intimacy and I hope she's the one to write it out for the benefit of future couples and the pastors who lead their churches.

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

2024 Review
I've decided I disagree with my earlier critique of this book. Or rather, I blew it out of proportion. I do think what these women have to say is really important and it is no wonder they speak with frustration about popular Christian books on marriage and relationships. Those books are doing a lot of harm.
I can't speak to whether this is helpful to married couples, but as a single person and not the target audience I still think this book is great.

2023 Review
When Kris first recommended this one to me, I assumed this would be another Josh-Harris-purity-culture-harangue. I was pleasantly surprised when I Kissed Dating Goodbye didn't get mentioned at all. (Or at least, if there was a throw-away mention, it didn't register for me.) This book is much more focused on dealing with books towards married couples and debunking many of the myths told to men and women about sex, intimacy, lust, and marriage. It was a nice switch.
I'm definitely not the intended audience as a single woman. But at the same time, as someone who grew up in this culture, I value much of the points made by the authors. I found them generally grace filled. It also forced me to confront many lessons I imbibed about about sex and marriage, intentionally or not. Which was really helpful.
Where I did struggle some with this book was not the content but the weight the authors give the content. They take a very moral tone. Books like Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time are Wrong and Evil. And their analysis of the situation is Right and The Answer. But there is a balance here. I'm sure the author of Every Man's Battle was in turn trying to address an issue he perceived as Wrong and Evil and so the pendulum swings.
Did the Christian community that swallowed these lies about sex and marriage need a book like this? Absolutely. You better believe I'm going to be recommending this book to my single and married friends. But is it the Answer To All Problems? Nope. Probably not. And that's okay.

[InChrist · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, wow, wow! Both my husband and I couldn’t put this book down! I would highly recommend this book for anyone (men, women, couples) who desire to love their spouse well and seek after God’s heart for their marriage; especially if you or your spouse grew up in the evangelical church or purity culture and have been hurt by some of those teaching. Whether you are engaged and you want your marriage and s-x life to start out well, or you are in a great marriage and want to continue growing in intimacy and digging out any weeds that might poke their heads up, or you are in a difficult marriage and want to find healing and a healthy path forward, or you are divorced and need the healing light of Jesus to touch your broken and hurting heart, or you are in a Christian leadership or ministry position and want to know how to better support those under your care. This book is for you; each one of you.

Not only is this book packed full of facts and evidence based research, it shines the life giving light of Jesus into the long dark corners of the lies that we’ve heard and believed for far too long. “For at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Walk as children of light …Take no part in the unfruitful works of darkness, but instead expose them… when anything is exposed by the light, it becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible.” (Eph 5:8,11,13)

This book has been so healing for me. As a newly wed I am so thankful that God used it to speak to both my husband and I so early in our marriage. I grew up in the evangelical church and purity culture, and at different points throughout my life I believed every single one of the harmful teachings exposed throughout this book - teaching that don’t line up with God’s heart and don’t line up with research. This book has exposed the unhealthy fruit of some of these teaching and gave me permission to question “best sellers” and look to Jesus as my ultimate guide; “When you read something or hear something, you don’t need to believe it just because it came from a Christian leader. Look for Jesus in what they are saying, and if he is not there, discard it.”

God is doing such a beautiful work of healing and restoring my vision for marriage and s-x so that it aligns with His, and this book has been instrumental in that healing work. So to the authors; thank you. Thank you for being brave. Thank you for being a voice. Thank you for being so thorough in your research. Thank you for allowing God to use you to shine His healing light of truth into these under-discussed dark corners of our Christian culture. Right now I’m praise God for this much needed and timely work that points us all to the inventor of love, God himself, who created us to have life abundant and whose light will never be overcome by darkness.

So if you are considering whether or not to get this book just go ahead and get yourself a copy, and maybe even an extra copy or two to pass on to a friend or for your church library.

[Lydia Griffith · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this book cathartic to read. I grew up in Colorado Springs which means that 1) I've slid down the Focus on the Family slide innumerable times and 2) I consider myself somewhat fluent in the language being critiqued in this book. I was taught many of the bad ideas identified here - sometimes explicitly, sometimes not - and I resisted a lot of it by intuition. The reality of this resistance though was that I was at war with an undefined enemy, and I was by no means on friendly terms with my true (i.e. female) self.

Maybe that's why this book was cathartic for me. I was resisting a lot as a kid, but I didn't know what or why I was being so defensive. I internalized many of these poor teachings on marriage/relationships/gender to such a degree that I idolized men and disdained women. In recent years, however, I have been helped immensely by books like this that bravely name the bad and graciously embrace the good. My takeaway from this book is that good, reciprocal, happy relationships between men and women are very, very possible. Actually.

Though written to women, I would recommend this book to men and women alike. If half of the North American church read this book, I think it'd benefit us all, and these (very) bad ideas might just lose the (isolated? male? unchristian?) environments that they've flourished in for so long.

This book is good news for women, and because that's true, it's good news for men too.

[Annelise Gabrielle · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn’t realise until I got married just how deeply I had absorbed the pervasive evangelical teachings about sex and marriage. The obligation sex message and the teachings around lust in particular have caused so much hurt for me and my marriage, so I was thrilled to hear that Sheila, Rebecca and Joanna were writing The Great Sex Rescue to help challenge these teachings in a big way!

They explore the evangelical teachings about sex, lust and more, and with clarity explain where the teachings go wrong, how they objectify women and hurt men and women in general, and how we can reframe them in a healthy way. I am so thankful for the courage with which these authors are boldly challenging the evangelical literature which has caused so much heartache!

I love how the book focuses on encouraging us to behave more like Jesus and to evaluate our teachings by their fruits. The Great Sex Rescue minces no words in defence of the many of us that have been hurt, it replaces harmful teachings with healthy ones and ends with great hope. It helped me understand so many things about myself, it was healing, and I would 100% recommend it to anyone that has grown up in the evangelical church.

[Heidi · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book uses scientific research to combat the lies that have been taught among published Christian marriage books for decades! The subjects covered are so relevant and up to date- meeting a MAJOR need in the Christian community. As a Believer, it is embarrassing how abusive and traumatizing the Christian literature on the subject of marriage and sex has been taught and the major books that have been recommended! We can do better and we must!

[Kati Higginbotham · Rating 2 out of 5]

Meh. Ok. This book points out some problems from other Christian books, but then completely misses the real issue with these books. Sex is not ultimate. This book treats sex like the most important part of marriage and the primary way we love our spouse and love God as married people.
Also, there’s a part where she talks about how having sex every night is a good way to heal pain from your 6 month dying. Which is so weird.
This book diagnoses the problem and then completely misses the solution. More orgasms for women is not the solution. Having your foundation set on Jesus and His self sacrificing love is the key to a godly marriage.

[Adam Shields · Rating 5 out of 5]

Summary: There are many bad books written about marriage and sex in the Christian book market. 

If you had asked me to recommend a good book about sex and marriage from a Christian perspective, I am unsure what I would have said before this. Gary Thomas' Sacred Marriage is decent, but there are weaknesses because it is a book about discipleship more than anything else. Beyond that, I know there there are lots of bad books about marriage and sex. Some that have good parts but are concerning on the whole. And a whole raft of books that may be okay in some situations but often are stereotypical, oriented toward gender essentialism, do not take into account abuse or other more complex situations, or are just frankly dated. It is not that there are not nuggets of truth in many of those books; for many who are reading books about marriage and sex, they are too naive about sex and marriage to know how to sort through what is good and what is not.

There are three general times when I have read many books about sex and marriage, right before and after getting married, when marriage is tough for one reason or another, or when my wife and I have led small groups for newly married couples. I don't want books that have some good and some problems for the first two situations because, frankly, I probably would get the two reversed. And as I read books when we were leading small groups for newly married couples, I had difficulty finding things I could really recommend. (And the newly hired small group pastor that came in toward the end of our second year leading those small groups didn't think that we should be talking about sex at all, so we stopped leading those groups.)

Coming into The Great Sex Rescue, I knew there were problems with several Christian books on sex and marriage. There were some that I immediately threw away once finishing them, like Everyman's Battle (it is trash and should never be recommended). And some that I read through and knew were problematic and wouldn't recommend. But as a man, I definitely was reading them from a male perspective. One of the most important reasons we need to be reading books from various author perspectives is that I can't see what I can't see without a guide. One of the book(s) discussed frequently is For Men Only and For Women Only. When for Women Only came out, I read it and notated where I thought it was right and wrong about me as an individual. I particularly knew that books based on surveys and that include stereotypes can be helpful for discussion. Still, without an understanding of the particular person that you are married to, they are limited.

The Great Sex Rescue is designed to take the messages of many previous Christian sex books and put them in the context of current polling and research, facilitated with the range of individual stories from follow-up interviews and turn around what is often one-sided advice and make it more helpful. The reframing of ideas at the end of each chapter is probably the most helpful aspect of the Great Sex Rescue. It is not a book that is just pointing out what is wrong; it is also committed to figuring out how to present a positive message.

For instance, there are few things that Christian books on marriage and sex are more sure of than men being more interested in sex than women are. Almost all books assume men wanting sex more often than their wives as the default reality of Christian marriage. But current polling suggests that roughly a quarter of women have higher libidos than their male spouses. And nearly another quarter of women say that they and their spouses have approximately equal libidos. This means that the default assumption (which may be true slightly more often than not) is false nearly half of the time. An assumption that is wrong nearly half of the time, presented as nearly always true, is then not mostly right, but an assumption that should not be presented in the first place.

Another issue tackled that has a nearly universal agreement on in the Christian book market, is that sex is a currency. Women should use it to entice men to their will, and men should 'voluntarily' do more around the house or with the kids if they want more of it. That is almost entirely based on a bad reading of 1 Corinthians 7:5 where it is commonly taught that women should always have sex with their husbands regardless of their willingness, interest, health, or arousal. (The original context was nearly the opposite, with men of the era having many sexual outlets, but women having few licit ones and a young church confronting a culture that thought of sex quite differently from the sexual ethic that the early church was trying to convey.) Bargaining for sex is not about love but consumerism. Pushing reluctant partners into sex by negotiation or emotional pressure is closer to prostitution or rape than love.

This brings to mind the discussion of how more than a couple of Christian books on sex and marriage implicitly accept marital rape as appropriate or place the blame for affairs on the offended party, not the one who had an affair. And if you think this might be overstating the case, there is both plenty of evidence in the book, and I could list a dozen clips from sermons that have said exactly that (not from a couple of decades ago, but recently).

The book's overwhelming message is that most marriage and sex books have prioritized the male experience of sex. The Great Sex Rescue suggests that the way forward is to prioritize the female experience of sex (the orgasm gap) and to orient sex to its rightful place in marriage. Sex is important, but it isn't everything. It is important, but it isn't a sin that cannot be overcome. The Great Sex Rescue isn't primarily about the problems of purity culture, although that is mentioned. Still, much of the problem of Christian sex books is that they are written from a male perspective, maybe with a wife as co-author of a few pages, and without much, if any, biology, physiology, or psychology involved. For instance, nearly 1/3 of all women, and a greater percentage of Christian women than non-Christian women, have problems with painful sex at some point in their lives. But most Christian sex books do not mention it at all, either that it exists or that there are treatments that can be effective. Instead, they tend to say that women are under obligation to have sex even if there is debilitating pain from sex.

When we were sketching out the chapters for this book, Joanna quipped, “You know, we could say it all in just four words: women are people too.” Perhaps that’s the fundamental issue. Sex has been taught primarily through a male lens, mostly by male authors and by male speakers at marriage conferences. Women’s experiences have been largely overlooked or ignored, while women are seen as tools to help men get what they want. That’s not Christian. That’s not of Jesus.

I was not consciously thinking about this when I wrote this Twitter thread on discernment this morning, but that thread applies. No pastor or leader can review and verify all books as helpful or not. Pastors and church leaders should work to teach discernment so that couples can learn to evaluate those books on their own. 'Women are people too' shouldn't be a message that has to be taught, but it clearly is a message that does have to be taught.

Generally, the authors' surveys found that men tend not to place harmful obligations on their wives around sex. And men were often disturbed when they came to understand that their wives adopted them because of a variety of Christian teaching. And generally, most couples thought that their particular churches were relatively good at not perpetuating bad messages around sex and marriage. But still, those bad messages were adopted, often through Christian media.

One disturbing aspect of the Great Sex Rescue and my following of Sheila Wray Gregoire on Twitter is that even when confronted with information about how messages can be harmful, many Christian organizations and leaders refuse to take in the information and instead double down on the harmful messages. Focus on the Family endorses the book Love and Respect, a book that scored as the most harmful in evaluating common Christian marriage books as part of the Great Sex Rescue. Before the publication of The Great Sex Rescue, the authors contacted Focus on the Family with their concerns and asked them to withdraw their enforcement. Focus on the Family instead re-endorsed the book. Mark Gungor, a Christian comedian who often talks about sex and marriage when confronted on Twitter with some of the ways that his jokes were harmful, blocked many people and doubled down on his approach.

I regret not being more aware of how I did not see the harmful messages directed at women in many Christian books on sex and marriage. But I will now be much more aware of those messages and read future books on sex and marriage with my eyes much more clearly open. I am sure I will not be perfect, but the inability to take in new information and do better is exactly what is wrong with many. Part of being a Christian is to repent, change and do better. That isn't a message advocating perfectionism, but one that says that relationship is central to Christian faith. If we take our obligations to others inside and outside the body of Christ seriously, then once we are aware of sin and harm, we must work to repair because of our obligation to do better.

It has been a fairly regular theme of my reading over the past couple of years that if we want better for our children, then we have to do the work to repair our own selves and do better for the sake of our biological and figurative children to come. This is the message of Raising White Kids, Permission to be Black, White Awake, and too many other books to name. The Great Sex Rescue isn't really a book on sex and marriage as much as a guide to what is wrong with books about sex and marriage. I strongly recommend that you read it before you take up any other books on sex and marriage written in a Christian context.

Update: After posting this I was listening to an interview with Jurgen Moltmann by Miroslav Volf.  In discussing love, Moltmann says, "The intention of Love is the happiness of the beloved. Love's intention is not to own the beloved, but to have the beloved happy. Therefore, Love sometimes supports the beloved and sometimes takes one's self back to make the beloved freer."

I thought this was a good follow-up theologically to the problems that are identified in the Great Sex Rescue. If you say you love your spouse, but seek to control or harm them, then you are repudiating your love. If you are presented with evidence that your spouse is hurt or has been harmed and you do nothing, you are not actually loving.

[Josiah DeGraaf · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm not really the target audience for this book as an unmarried guy who practices chastity. A friend had recommended this book to me since they still found it helpful to read as an unmarried guy. I'm not sure I found it as helpful as he did for this stage of life? But perhaps mileage varies.

At any rate. One of the things this book made me appreciate is the non-trendy nature of my church culture growing up. Because holy moly do several trendy Christian marriage books from the 2000s have some messed up views & teachings about sex. It shouldn't have taken this long for someone like Gregoire & co. to be making this a major discussion point in Christian circles. But good on them for doing so, because there have been some legitimately toxic teachings spread in certain Christian spheres over the past twenty years.

One of the major marketing points of this book is the massive survey the authors did on women's experiences and then discussed here. I tended to have mixed feelings about the insights drawn from the survey, however. While there are many revealing and true points that Gregoire & co. make from the survey, I at times had questions about their methodology and framing. There's a lot of correlation/causation questions that aren't really explored in this book. Gregoire & co. often argue that bad biblical teachings have caused dysfunctional sexual habits. But they don't always prove causation. And sometimes they seem to fall prey to the ecological fallacy, arguing that because something is true for the group as a whole, that means it's true for each individual in that group. I found this to be especially the case in their discussion on gender roles in marriage, and would have liked to see more careful analysis that investigated if what was true for each large group of people was also true for each sub-group within that larger group. Their framing also seemed a bit biased at times. At one point, they also claim that 51.3% constitutes "most of the women in this survey" (perhaps on a technicality? But "half" would really be a more accurate framing).

As a result, I generally found that the sections relying on biblical reasoning and common sense were more helpful than the sections relying on statistics. Because you really shouldn't need statistics to prove that, say, wives aren't responsible for keeping their husbands from watching porn. (Then again, given some of the Christian authors that have said this... maybe we do need such statistical arguments. :/ )

At any rate, the best sections of the book IMO were the sections talking about what a positive view of sexuality looks like. Most of the book is focused on rebutting unhealthy views of sexuality, which makes sense given how widespread many of those ideas are. But as someone who was already on the same page with Gregoire & co. on that, I gleaned more from the vision-casting the authors did for what healthy sexuality should look like than from the rebuttals. I would guess that here again, though, mileage varies, and people who have grown up hearing these bad views will really appreciate these rebuttals.

At the end of the day, this wasn't the most helpful book for me personally given my unmarried status and church background. But while I do have some statistical issues with the book, most of it was really quite good, and I could see it as being really helpful for people in different stages or from different backgrounds than myself. Certainly if it leads to more people breaking free from bad teachings, that's a great success.

Rating: 3.5-4 Stars (Good).

[Ayla Will · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Great Sex Rescue is the book that Christian circles have been missing until now! Authors Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna used information gathered from a survey of 20,000 Christian women to confront the damaging teachings so many of us have been taught surrounding sex, intimacy, and marriage, as well as to critique some well-known Christian sex and relationship books.

If you've been taught that...

Lust is every man's battle
Sex is a duty that wives perform to keep their husbands from sinning
Men will always push boundaries
Women must be the gatekeepers to stay "pure" before marriage
Women need to be vigilant about what we wear and we do to avoid causing men to stumble
Marriage means that you can never say no to your spouse

....You need to read The Great Sex Rescue! And even if you haven't been taught any of this, even if you've learned from healthy sources, even if you have a fantastic relationship, I guarantee you will still benefit from reading it. Each chapter is full of stories, statistics from the study, little check-ins for the reader to do, and an Explore Together section to do with your spouse.

This is one of those books that I may wear out a highlighter (or two!) on. Here are just a few of my favourite quotes from The Great Sex Rescue.

"The "all men struggle with lust" message has taught us to trade trust for fear in our marriages, so it shouldn't be surprising when sex doesn't work. Jesus told us to look at the fruit to judge the tree, and the fruit of this tree is nasty. Women are made paranoid because they are told they can't trust the man they married, the good man who loves them. These books unjustly paint husbands as sex addicts and pathological liars, while normalizing ogling women. If this is the fruit, why have we kept the tree?"

"Defeating lust is not about limiting a man's encounters with women; it's about empowering men to treat the women around them as whole people, daughters of Christ. The key to defeating lust is not to avoid looking at women; it's to actually see them."

I could go on for hours, probably days (my husband can testify to this) about how much I've loved and appreciated everything about this book. But don't just take my word for it. Grab a copy and see it for yourself. Share it with a friend. Share it with your spouse. You won't regret it.

*I received a complimentary copy of The Great Sex Rescue through the author and NetGalley. All thoughts and opinions are my own. My positive review is not required.

[Kelly Schimmoller · Rating 5 out of 5]

I am very thankful for Sheila Wray Gregoire. I have been following her blog and website for a while now. If you are looking for a Christian woman who loves God and celebrates marriage THE RIGHT WAY - which is how God actually intended it - then you will love her too. She is practical, factual, honest, and so much more. Growing up in the Catholic faith - sex ed is learning how babies are created and told not to do it until marriage. And then when you get married - then what? The answer is then you look at all of the resources and support Sheila provides so you can have a healthy marriage and a safe place to ask questions about sex. Sheila's new book is a great resource that shows how our culture and many Christian leaders have warped "sex" and made it into something it was never intended to be. This book brings us back to all the goodness God intended for each of us and how to heal if you need to and how couples can move their marriage into all that goodness. Her advice is backed by studies and cited sources. Do yourself a favor and read this book. You will never regret it!

[Matthew & Celena · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Where was this book 13 years ago when I got married? I wanted to be the best wife ever, and I read all the books that were supposed to guide me on that path. What I got though was a lot of skewed advice that led me to feel shame, discouragement, and brokenness. It led to me feeing used and lonely, despite a husband who loved me because I was so fearful of speaking up and saying it wasnt working for me, because it would make him feel bad. After reading this book and excitedly discussing my many breakthroughs with my counselor, he summed it up well when he commented that I *seemed like I had been set free*. That is exactly it. There is still work to be done, but I do not feel ashamed and alone anymore. I do not feel broken. These women have given a voice to my pain and fear, and I am forever grateful.

[Sarah Fowler Wolfe · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a very important book. The authors piece by piece dismantle well-intentioned but damaging Christian marital advice that has led to abuse and shame. It's very needed; I've seen the positive impact it's had on friends and acquaintances of mine and know it must be spreading around the world.

There's so much more to delve into that I'm very glad the To Love, Honor, and Vacuum blog and the Bare Marriage podcast exist to do just that. A valuable book to read with a spouse or alone (man or woman). I also wish they'd spent time on how women, not just men, struggle with porn.

I unfortunately think it's going to lose a lot of its most needed audience by the egalitarian push near the beginning. If that isn't something you agree with, keep going. The book is so valuable and needed.

{This book was provided to me to review by Baker Publishing Group via NetGalley}

[Jennie · Rating 2 out of 5]

Oh man, this book. A friend highly recommended this to me. I've seen several of Sheila Gregoire's "Fixed It For You" posts shared by several friends on instagram, some great, some very not great. I decided to give the book a shot.

This book was pretty exhausting. It's not just a book about healthy sexuality. It's actually primarily a book the seeks to break down unhealthy messaging both men and women have heard from popular evangelical books on sex and marriage. Of the 17 books they studied for this project, I've read one, and that one scored as "helpful" on their rating scale, so maybe I'm not the demographic this book was written for. I say it's primarily about breaking down the unhealthy messaging from other books because if the authors didn't have the other books to (often rightly) critique, this book would be a quarter of its size—and that's a generous estimate. So that means the majority of the book is just the authors telling you why other authors are wrong. It got pretty redundant and boring because most of the things the other books got wrong were pretty much the same.

Having not read the vast majority of these books, I was often skeptical of the quotes they pulled and their context. To be fair, Gregoire and co aren't really setting out to give the most accurate picture of these other books as a whole, they're combating specific messaging they've deemed to be harmful. But what's interesting is that at the beginning of the book the reader is given a baseline of what the authors consider to be an acceptable level of potentially harmful messaging, and it's zero.

On page 14 when addressing readers who may argue that they were helped by a book they've rated as harmful, they state "But among the helpful bits, these books also contain teachings that we have statistically shown harm marriages and lead to worse sex for women, with some books posing higher risk than others. Our aim is to make it no longer acceptable for our Christian resources to only hurt *some* people. We should—and can—write books that help without causing harm."

Maybe I'm in the minority here, but I find it really difficult to believe that any book can actually promise to not cause ANY harm. Let's be clear, neither I nor these authors are talking about books that say things that are just wrong and inherently harmful. They're talking about not a single person reading the books walks away with any harmful *understanding* of what the author has said. The evidence of this are the several quotes pulled where Gregoire and co's commentary includes something along the lines of "now the author meant x, but men and women have understood it as y." The commentary of a specific quote that almost made me toss my kindle across the room was regarding marital rape. The author refers to an event as "marital rape," but since the author of that book did not specifically say that marital rape is bad, this message was harmful. Who is under the impression that rape is ever good? Identifying the act as "rape" in and of itself is commentary on the morality of it.

Why such a visceral response to that? Because throughout the book I identified several messages that Gregoire and co gave that I have actually seen cause harm. I don't know how to describe the overall tone of this book other than condescending.

A woman didn't know what arousal was and it was portrayed as the kind of issue women in the church commonly have. After years of marriage, she didn't know what it was to be aroused and even when she did figure it out, she said she had only ever felt it a few times before when reading Christian romance novels. Men were so reliably characterized as selfish, entitled, immature, and predatory I was actually surprised and refreshed the few times (mayyybe 3 or 4 times out of dozens) a man was painted in a positive light. Same with churches and pastors. In fact, the issue they take with these marriage books (that they generalize men and women and portray the problems of the majority or even minority as the problems for all) is the same way they address churches. I don't recall a single time the authors make a distinction, instead they say "evangelicalism" or "churches" or "pastors" are doing x, y, or z. Not some. But when any of the books they critiqued painted men and women with such a broad stroke it was a mark against it.

This book has some necessary and needed messages, hence the 2 stars. I even had my husband read some sections and we discussed them together. The frustrating thing is those helpful sections were so bogged down by the rest that I don't feel comfortable recommending it to anyone. Ironically, this seems to be the exact same issue the authors had with all the books they critiqued.

Honestly, I came away from this book with 2 really important reminders:
1) My husband is pretty amazing. If the way men are described in this book is an accurate portrayal of the majority, I'm even luckier than I thought. The vast majority of these issues have never been a problem for us and this book made me even more grateful for that.
2) Stay away from Christian books on relationships and sex. I apparently have dodged a lot of weird and harmful messaging by following my gut that those books are probably unhelpful. In fact, the only people I know who feel they have benefited from this book have also read all the books critiqued by this book. The unwavering belief that whatever next book is out there is the one to solve my problems seems instead to just be perpetuating the problem.

The problem The Great Sex Rescue has is that the authors seem to have the perspective that they've finally gotten it all right, but instead it seems to be no exception. This book will undoubtedly hurt "some people," despite their claim in the intro that we shouldn't be okay with that result. The authors are helping to create a culture that is unable to practice discernment when listening to other teachers, and a lack of grace-filled humility in their belief that they alone are the ones who now have it right. In general this is my issue with outrage culture today, which is the lack of humility that allows us to consider that we may be wrong, too. I give it 10-20 years before the messaging in this book is pulled apart by the next (hopefully with more grace and humility). Please let that next book correct the weird message about nightly sex helping a couple deal with the sudden loss of an infant, the condescending way they talk about a sex worker Sheila debated on a porn site (?), and the forced argument that believing in gender-roles means an unhappy marriage and bad sex.

[Rebekah Barkman · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is a must-read if you are married. I didn’t even realize some of the harmful ideas and beliefs I’ve internalized by default thanks to Christian marriage books I’ve read. This excellently deconstructs some of the most injurious (and utterly ridiculous) of them, such as “Love and Respect” and “Every Man’s Battle,” to name a few.
Zach and I worked through the book’s questions together, highly recommend! I found the tone of the book to be very encouraging and positive and an excellent combat to some of the most harmful messages.

[Heather Hayes · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Great Sex Rescue was helpful in ways I didn't even know I needed it to be. I grew up in purity culture and heard so many harmful teachings about sex, marriage, men and women...at church and in the home. As I stepped into adulthood and marriage, I realized that a lot of what I had been taught was wrong. I disagreed with the messages of "all men lust", "women are responsible for not being a stumbling block", "virginity is the most important thing you can give your husband", and so many more that are addressed in this book.

I figured that The Great Sex Rescue would be informative, but more life-changing for others rather than myself. I have a great marriage with a wonderful man. Our sex life is amazing. And I didn't know how much I needed this book. The most groundbreaking moment of this book for me was in the research the authors conducted and shared--that even if I don't believe or agree with those harmful messages, it still has an impact on my thoughts and ability to trust my husband. This was the most shocking thing for me to realize--it was like a lightbulb flashed on in my brain. I've dealt with body and self esteem issue most of my life, as well as trust issues, anxiety, and paranoia regarding my marriage and sex life (even though my husband is an honorable, honest, trustworthy man who has NEVER made me feel less than, unwanted, or like an object). I never knew WHY I had these issues until reading The Great Sex Rescue. I know so many have been (and still are) abused and manipulated as a result of evangelical teachings and culture, and, comparatively, my experience has been very mild. Still, now I feel like I can truly begin to heal and call out the mindsets that are lingering from the harmful teachings I grew up with. I can only imagine how much more life-changing this book will be for those who have deep trauma.

This book is so necessary, especially now as more and more people are calling out the harmful affects of purity culture and other popular evangelical teachings. The Great Sex Rescue couldn't be more timely, and I can't wait to see how it changes so many lives. Not only do I recommend this book, but I plan to purchase several more copies to give to friends and family. Thank you, Sheila, Rebecca, and Joanna!

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Have you ever felt like Scripture makes exceptions to standards of Christian character within marriage (love, peace, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, joy, goodness, PATIENCE & SELF-CONTROL)?

Have you bought Christian marriage books, honestly done your best to follow their advice, and yet not seen any real positive impact?

What feelings does the term "Biblical sex" conjure for you (positive, negative, neutral)?

Do you ever secretly feel like living out your faith means giving up on having a passionate marriage and/or sex life?

Have you been inundated with the mantra of "more sex" every time you bring up a marital challenge, no matter what that challenge is?

Do you ever feel like the responsibilities for husbands and wives are even a little unbalanced?

Do you feel like it's sinful to raise objections or criticism to books, studies, or videos if they're labelled "Christian"?

READ.THIS.

PLEASE.

Sheila Wray Gregoire, Rebecca Gregoire Lindenbach, and Joanna Sawatsky are powerfully combining Scripture and science to point out some naked emperors within evangelical teaching as well as reveal the often missing perspectives of Christian wives. They use high quality data to show the fruits of widely accepted, extra-biblical messages and continuously balance against Christ's example for how we are to treat one another. This is a comprehensive review of bestselling Christian literature that is likely to cause quite a stir, and God-willing a shaking as they wrestle with:

- Purity culture
- Boundaries
- Faithfulness
- Frequency/quotas
- Refusal vs. Deprival (are they the same thing?)
- Mutuality
- Women's pleasure
- AND MORE

Whether you come out supporting the findings in full, in part, or not at all, The Great Sex Rescue is critical discourse that's so needed within Christian resources. Chances are, it will open your eyes to at least one idea holding you back from the freedom and abvundance Jesus meant for you to have in your marriage.

[SChang · Rating 3 out of 5]

Summary: In The Great Sex Rescue, the authors investigate the most popular evangelical books on sex & marriage. Through a one-of-a-kind survey of 20,000 women, followed up by focus groups and interviews, the authors investigate the effect of these teachings on marriages, and more specifically, on the experience of sex for women. The results are at best alarming, and at worst, horrifying and tragic; evangelical resources seem to be failing evangelical marriages, especially evangelical women. We’ve laid an unrealistic and heavy burden on wives in these marriages, and we’re guilty of enabling abuse. We must replace these teachings with those that reflect the kindness of Christ, the self-sacrifice of the cross, and the other-centeredness of Jesus. Not only is that more biblical, but it’ll also better fit what we know from science about what makes for better marriages and better sex, especially for wives.

Review: This book has given me so much to think about. I’ve been wrestling with my review of this book for a while now, talking to my wife and some of my friends about what I’m reading, mostly to just figure out what I think about it. I’ve taken the time to be critical of myself, knowing that I come from the perspective of an Evangelical Chinese-American male who sometimes grew up in the mainstream of evangelical culture and sometimes on the margins. So, I’ve tried to be careful of what I say. I apologize in advance if anything I say is ignorant or offensive. If I do, an apology is still warranted.

My first thought is that if it is true that 1) these are the prevailing teachings of evangelical books on sex and 2) these teachings have had the negative effects on marriages as claimed in the book, then this is a book we desperately need.

The reason why I say “if it is true” is because, even though I grew up evangelical, I did not read any of the books the authors critiqued, at least not in their entirety. I read a handful of pages of Every Man’s Battle before I stopped reading because I disliked how graphically the book depicted situations of temptation (often leading me to be tempted to lust). I’ve never read Love & Respect, but I went through one seminar series on DVD with my wife when we were newlyweds. I remember it being sort of interesting and helpful, but I don’t remember much else. I haven’t read any of the other books, though I may have read some excerpts or watched some teachings from the authors.

Overall, I was disturbed by the teachings as they were represented in The Great Sex Rescue, whether summarized or directly quoted, and I was even more disturbed by the some of the behavior they enabled. They seemed irreconcilable with the Gospel and unrecognizable among the teachings I heard about marriage in the evangelical churches I’ve grown up in. So, was I spared? Or was I separating myself from things that I had, in fact, been taught and internalized, now that I saw the horrific outcome? It was honestly hard to say. At times, I felt that I did recognize a teaching, but what was presented in the book seemed to be either a strawman version of the teaching, or a version of the teaching that had been so twisted and weaponized by selfishness, religiosity, and legalism that it had become something quite monstrous. I kept wondering, “Had I really been taught and internalized this? How many of my fellow church members had been poisoned by this?” I still haven’t been able to answer that for myself, regarding my own personal experience.

However, judging by the results of the survey that this book is based on, it seems that these are the teachings on sex in the most popular evangelical books, and the negative effects of these teachings are alarmingly widespread. And I whole heartedly agree with the suggestions the authors have for rephrasing and reframing these teachings.

Some may say that we have to give the teachers some slack. We have to acknowledge the good fruit their teachings have produced. We have to acknowledge their good intentions. I think the authors have done their best to acknowledge that, while also trying to bring these alarming issues to the attention of the teachers themselves in a godly way – not only through this book but through other means (a cursory skim of Sheila Wray Gregoire’s blog confirmed this for me).

Teachers do need to be held to a higher standard because of the incredible responsibility they have (James 3:1). Every teacher who begins any kind of teaching should know this. And anyone teaching on an important topic like sex & marriage should take this verse to heart, and be ready to examine their own teachings. It’s not easy. But it’s possible through the grace that is in Jesus to undertake such a painful self-examination.

I have on clear critique of the book. It’s more of a suggestion than a critique. The last few chapters spend time talking about how the cross, the Gospel, and Christ himself should inform our approach to marriage, especially our view of sex. I wish this biblical framework were in the beginning of the book, to help me see the authors’ hearts & experiences more clearly upfront. By no means has it been easy for these women to speak up against some pretty popular and mainstream teachings, and when these teachings have proven to be harmful, sometimes the voices that speak up need to be blunt, bold, and clear. But sometimes, it does help to establish some common ground first, before trying to tear down paradigms and uproot deeply internalized teachings. But maybe we need this kind of disruption.

I will continue to wrestle with and think about this book. I also will continue to talk about it with my wife. And perhaps, that’s the best takeaway from the book. It’s started a fresh conversation around these topics and given us a lot to think about.