The Beauty of What Remains: How Our Greatest Fear Becomes Our Greatest Gift

by Steve Leder

The national bestseller From the author of the bestselling More Beautiful Than Before comes an inspiring book about loss based on his most popular sermon.As the senior rabbi of one of the largest synagogues in the world, Steve Leder has learned over and over again the many ways death teaches us how to live and love more deeply by showing us not only what is gone but also the beauty of what remains.This inspiring and comforting book takes us on a journey through the experience of loss that is fundamental to everyone. Yet even after having sat beside thousands of deathbeds, Steve Leder the rabbi was not fully prepared for the loss of his own father. It was only then that Steve Leder the son truly learned how loss makes life beautiful by giving it meaning and touching us with love that we had not felt before.Enriched by Rabbi Leder's irreverence, vulnerability, and wicked sense of humor, this heartfelt narrative is filled with laughter and tears, the wisdom of millennia and modernity, and, most of all, an unfolding of the profound and simple truth that in loss we gain more than we ever imagined.

Genres: Nonfiction, Grief, Self Help, Spirituality, Audiobook, Religion, Psychology

240 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 5, 2021

Reviews

[Sarah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Truly beautiful. I want everyone I know to read this book and then tell me, so we can talk about it.

[Moonkiszt · Rating 5 out of 5]

What's most important in life? What's left to do, what will you wish you'd done before a loved one dies? Is death the end? It's a transition. . .

I learned so much from this book - death is a fact with which we all live and with which we need to make peace somehow. This was not what I wanted to do - who wants to be best friends with death? By the end of the book, I had real helps that had more to do with living than what to do about death. The author urges everyone to be present, not wait for events, to redirect the laser focus on the acquisition of things, and instead "privilege time and experience over the material."

I cannot sing praise high enough for this book. I needed it when I needed it, and it was exactly right.

[Kate · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book made me feel, therefore I hate it. There's at least one thing in this book that everyone needs to hear.

[Sarah Farrell · Rating 5 out of 5]

I started to read this book during the holiday season, because it’s a really hard time of year for me. It put a lot of things into perspective and helped me to better understand the pains I have been feeling since losing my mom. I do not think this is a book for everyone, but when you lose someone close to you, give it a read. There are too many amazing quotes, but I will include a few that really stuck with me:

“When death is unforeseen and tragic, it is excruciatingly painful for those who mourn. But for the dead, it is a death like all other - perfect sleep. The deepest peace”

“There is no magical formula given for making the cloud disappear, no incantation, no prayer, no slap on the back, no support group, no self-help book, no blind date. Just a settling in with the sadness, a sometimes slow but always sacred space for healing.”

“We lose so much love to death, and if that love was real and deep, the grief is real and deep. Grief is not a race to be won or an illness to be cured. To deny grief it’s due is to deny love.”

“So if we have one miracle to make our own, one strength to choose - let it be the ability to turn curses into blessings, to dream joy from sadness and life from death.”

“I want to live a beautiful life so that beauty is what remains within them when I am gone. We are helpless in death, but we are not helpless in life”

“People do not really die when the heart stops beating. As long as their lives, their values, the melody to which they lives and danced continue to play in the memories of loved ones and through their effects on the world, they live on.”

“The happiest people are those who know they are living lives that have meaning beyond themselves. If you want to feel fulfilled then live beyond your own life. We are at our best when we know for certain that we have transcended our own brief and beautiful time on earth.”

“The grief cuts sharply at first. Then a dull ache sets in that never, ever goes away entirely until we are asleep; even then, cruelly and delightfully our loved ones are there to speak to us.” (Whewww this one)

“To know that we will die means we must stand for something greater than ourselves in life. It is death that makes us human in the best sense of the that word.”

Sorry this was really long, if you read all of this love you!!!!!

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

”how long and beautiful the road has been…”

A profoundly moving examination of what it is to die, what it is to live, and what it is to leave a legacy. This is one of the most beautiful, powerful books I’ve ever read.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

I came away from this book with many highlighted quotes that I know I will return to as well as share with others. This book is by a rabbi but can definitely be appreciated by people of all backgrounds as we navigate the topics of grief, death, the meaning of life, and so on.

[Zibby Owens · Rating 5 out of 5]

The author has so many tidbits and anecdotes and stories from the many people he's helped over the years, including gut-wrenching decisions around what to say as a rabbi versus what to do as a person. I feel like we see where the two come together for this author. One of the most helpful pieces in this book was its advice to anyone who feels anxious about death. He talks about the effect of death on the living, the loss of other people, and the impact of illness on a family.

This quote stood out to me: "Most people are ready for death the way we are all ready for sleep after a long and exhausting day. We just want to pull the covers up around our aching heads and settle in for the peace of it all. We are not anxious about sleeping. We are not depressed about it. We are not afraid of it. Disease, age, and life itself prepare us for death. There is time for everything, and when it is our time to die, death is as natural a thing as life itself. Consider this very good news. For those of us who fear death, dying people are not afraid of dying. If you are afraid of dying, it is not your day. Anxiety is for the living."

I also loved this quote: "It won't always hurt so much. I used to think that what they meant was that eventually, grief abates and the ache diminishes. Now what I think they meant was not that it won't always hurt so much, but that it won't always hurt so often."

[Ellyn · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Beauty of What Remains is a book for everyone to read and learn from. There are passages that warm your heart like “Chicken Soup for the Soul” books. It makes you think,remember, love, and strive to be a better person. We will all die but the legacy we leave is ours alone and if we are lucky, our loved ones will remember us and embrace the beauty of what remains.

Rabbi Steve Leder is an inspiring leader, speaker and person!

[Nōn · Rating 5 out of 5]

"Making peace with death is really about making peace with life."

The beauty of what remains, after reading this book, is the beauty of knowing I have read it; of the reminder of death as the thing that gives our life its brightness. Powerful, musing, contemplative tome on life and death and the beautiful moments in between. Happy to be recording with Rabbi Leder soon on You, Me, Empathy!

[Kathy · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is very heartwarming even though it is about death. It is for anyone that has lost a loved one, no matter what the relationship. Rabbi Leder lost his father a couple years ago and we learn how it affected him, and how he came to really know what grief entails even though he has presided over, and helped hundreds of grieving families for many, many years. I shed numerous tears during the course of reading The Beauty of What Remains, but it is a beautiful book at the same time. I took my time reading it, knowing how it was affecting my emotions, and am sure I will read it again. You do not need to be Jewish or religious to appreciate, be moved, or helped by his writing. He gently reminds us that our missing loved ones live on through us, how our memories can help us, and how we should work on leaving a legacy for those that we leave behind when our time comes. I highly recommend this book.

[Bobbie N · Rating 2 out of 5]

I checked this book out based on the title alone, thinking it had to do with fear, and discovered it had to do with death and dying - I guess the author assumes that that's everyone's greatest fear. I read through it anyway, and was not impressed. I found his sense of humor to be of the schmaltzy joke variety, and thought he barely skimmed the surface of what I know from my own and many others' experiences is deep. I would recommend TJ Wray's Surviving the Death of a Sibling (even if it's not a sibling that you lost), Paula D'Arcy's When People Grieve, and Kathleen Dowling Singh's The Grace in Dying for anyone seeking help, understanding, or support as they go through their own grief or wish to be there for someone who is dying.

[Christopher McDonald · Rating 5 out of 5]

Right up my alley. Death is a natural part of our lives. Whether it’s our own or someone else’s. Rabbi Steve Leder reflects on his dealings with the dying and family members left behind along with his own grief if his father’s passing.

I lost my mom in 2008, and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of her. I wish this book was published then.

One important detail of this book (and also what I’ve come to discover about the dying) is nobody thinks of their accomplishments, their hard work and all the hours wasted at your job — they think of their love ones, the small things that involve their love ones and all the beauty that will remain.

I highly recommend…. Start living!

[Anya · Rating 5 out of 5]

I've read a lot of books on dying and mourning over the last year and a half. There have been scientific ones, practical ones, philosophical, spiritual, and funny ones. But among them all, this was the best. It gave me real things to think about now, for myself and for my loved ones, together with ways to reframe death. I can see myself rereading this every few years and reminding myself to live in the present.

[Emma Caroline · Rating 5 out of 5]

so so beautiful 🩷🩷. The authors writing spoke about how to handle the heartbreak of grief so well. Though some parts were pretty heavy but worth the read!
“See it, see it all for them. You who mourn lost loves, let them dwell in the pupils of your eyes, let them live in memory.”
“Our hearts will be full forever with the beauty of what remains.”

[Rosie Park · Rating 5 out of 5]

one of the best “griefy death” books I’ve read discussing several important topics about death, loss and grief. as someone who’s experienced loss, there were so many incredible anecdotes and perspectives given about death and how the greatest thing we fear can actually be one of the most beautiful things in life

[Kenya Castellanos · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book not only helped me see death differently, but also life and how it is truly meant to be experienced while we still have the time to enjoy what remains.

[Michelle Hill · Rating 4 out of 5]

A heart-filling, soul-quenching read. Beautifully done.

[Emily Clapp · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was gifted to me when my dad died and while I had doubts that there would be much comfort or nuance, this was actually a great read. I think there is something for everyone in this.

[Debbie Rothstein · Rating 5 out of 5]

In this book Rabbi Steve Leder writes about the subject of death and in doing so he has a way of conveying it in a warm and loving manner.. I underlined important parts(to me)in pencil and attached post-it notes to meaningful portions of the text. Such an important, heart wrenching and absorbing read.

[Emily Sanders · Rating 5 out of 5]

My sister-in-law, whose teenage daughter passed away, loaned me this book recently. I started reading it, thinking it would help me understand her better--and it did! But I found it to be a helpful book for far more than that.

When we were expecting our first baby a quarter of a century ago, we took classes, read books, and talked to lots of people to prepare for birth and parenthood. Friends gave us a baby shower and brought meals when the baby arrived. It was a time of celebration as well as quiet, sacred moments.

Now, in my mid-forties, many of my friends have lost parents, and some have lost spouses, siblings, and children. I can see I am entering a new phase of life where I begin to watch more and more people graduate to the other side of the veil. I always go to the funerals--not because I like funerals, but because it feels like one of the most important ways to show support for the grieving. I have often said, "I am afraid of saying the wrong thing, but I'm more afraid of saying nothing," so I am there. I KNOW I have said the wrong thing a time or two!

This book has given me tools for this next phase of life, things to both say and do. It is for anyone who has a loved one die, is supporting someone in mourning, or will die themselves. In other words, all of us! Just as we all read What to Expect When You're Expecting twenty-five years ago to learn how to say hello, we should all now read The Beauty of What Remains to learn how to say goodbye

[Whitney Van Arsdall · Rating 5 out of 5]

Steve Leder shares his experiences as a rabbi helping those who have lost their loved ones and then opens up about his own grief experienced after the loss of his father. He reminds us that our loved ones live on through us, through our memories and the legacy they have left in us.

This quote hit hardest - “Sooner or later our hearts are broken by death. Sure, we put on our masks of normalcy and walk out into the world day after day, but then just the right moment - the exact place or smell or taste or image - arrives to remind us of how deeply we miss those we love who are gone. The grief cuts sharply at first. Then a dull ache sets in that never, ever goes away entirely until we are asleep; even then, cruelly and delightfully, our loved ones are there to speak with us. They speak to us at the anniversary of their deaths, at the wedding when they are not there to dance, on their birthday, on ours, at the Thanksgiving table with an empty chair, an empty place in our hearts. They speak to us and we miss them. They are the absence that is forever present.”

[Brianne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Essential reading for every person who’s ever lost a loved one, and all who will (so, all of us). One of the best books I’ve read in a long time.

[Jenna Laird · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this book after hearing the author speak on Hoda Kotb’s podcast one day. This year will mark ten years that my dad has passed away and the reality of that made grief pop up again in its own way so I decided to read this. I loved that this book while it does touch upon grief, focuses on truly living. That it’s not about grieving the life we didn’t get to live with that person but celebrating what we did. While listening to him speak, I saw a pigeon stop in front of me on a sidewalk in my neighborhood- a sign I always think of when I think of my dad. This book brought me comfort in a time of need and I hope it does the same for others.

[Desirae Calkins · Rating 4 out of 5]

I read this book hoping that it would help me better interact with and comfort people who are grieving. It somewhat helped me in that area, but really ended up helping me be better prepared for when I encounter grief of my own and even my own eventual death.

I was uncomfortable as I began reading. It’s hard to talk about death and people dying! The author gained my trust, though, and helped me to grow and learn.

I’m glad I read this book.

[Julie · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed the anecdotes about his congregants. I also really liked the chapter on obituaries. But too much about his father, who honestly doesn’t come across as someone I would want for a father. I think the author needs therapy as the mourners Kaddish doesn’t seem to be helping this guy actually accept his father’s death.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

You’re gonna need some space from the loss of a loved one in order to listen to this. It’s beautiful but a little too relatable when the hurt is still fresh.

If you are one of the fortunate few who HASN’T experienced deep loss, this is a wonderful meditation on life and death and mourning and remembrance.

[Barbara Osmec · Rating 4 out of 5]

Format: 📚
'Every time you start imagining the worst possible outcome of the future, pull yourself back into the present. That is where you are needed.'

[Amber Coones · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.3

[Ti · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Short of It:

I did not expect a book about death and grief to be one of my favorite reads of the year.

The Rest of It:

As the senior rabbi of one of the largest synagogues in the world, Steve Leder has learned over and over again the many ways death teaches us how to live and love more deeply by showing us not only what is gone but also the beauty of what remains. ~ Indiebound

The Beauty of What Remains is my book club’s pick for March. When I picked it up, I really had to push myself to read a book that is essentially about death and the grief that follows it. Death is depressing to me. It’s probably depressing to most people but this book is incredibly uplifting and hopeful. Leder, having sat by thousands of deathbeds as a rabbi knows a thing or two about death but it never really dawned on him what true grieving was until his own father passed away from Alzheimer’s a few years ago.

"Death is a great teacher if it impels us to serve the living." ~ Steve Leder

Through anecdotes and real life experiences from those who have sought his counsel, Leder provides a revelatory look at how death can look to loved ones who are forced to face it. It doesn’t have to be the sad, depressing life passage that we’ve come to expect. Leder provides a different viewpoint, one that focuses on the good and his easy, affable way is like the hug you never knew you needed.

“We are helpless in death, but we are not helpless in life.” ~ Steve Leder

I’ve heard countless times how people need comfort reads right now. This pandemic is finally showing signs of moving on and yet, we are still a little raw and on edge. Comfort reads, food, the warm embrace of a loved one (once vaccinated) are all things we need right now. If you don’t think you can get anything out of this book because you haven’t lost anyone recently, think again. Leder’s writing can help you through any loss and we have all experienced loss lately. He has this amazing way of putting things. I would love to just sit in a room with him and listen to him talk.

The Beauty of What Remains is a beautiful book. It’s funny and hopeful and a valuable resource for anyone who has ever wondered what to say to a friend after they’ve lost a parent or a child. It’s filled with heartwarming examples of how loved ones can be honored before and after death and includes very practical information for anyone who has to plan a funeral or a celebration of life. This stuff is gold. I never thought a book like this would end up on my list of faves for the year but it’s earned a spot on it. I highly recommend it.

For more reviews, visit my blog: Book Chatter.

[Amanda · Rating 5 out of 5]

I finished this book a while ago but just haven’t had the mental capacity to review it yet.
But this book really helped me while my aunt was dying and then again helped me deal with the death of my dog. As someone who has always been afraid of death, this book truly comforted me and listening to it on audible felt like I wasn’t alone. I highly recommend this to anyone who has loved ones who are dying or who have died.
I wish I would have found it sooner as it talks about supporting someone who is dying and how you can begin to grasp your new reality. It would have definitely been something that would have helped me early on during the dying process.