You Don't Owe Anyone: Free Yourself from the Weight of Expectations

by Caroline Garnet McGraw

"You Don't Owe Anyone is for anyone seeking escape from perfectionism." —Publishers Weekly in "Writing Woman to Woman"

You Don't Owe Anyone is for perfectionists, workaholics, people pleasers, and strivers who feel stuck in the try-hard cycle. Sharing her experiences as a life coach and recovering perfectionist, Caroline Garnet McGraw shows us how we can free ourselves from the weight of expectations and encourages us to move our lives forward without apology.

Inspired by the author's viral essay "You Don't Owe Anyone an Interaction," this book invites us to make surprising choices that can help us get unstuck. Rather than offering more ways to effect change through sheer effort, these personal stories serve as a compassionate witness, a reflection of our own perfectionistic tendencies. They also are a wakeup call jolting us out of our martyr mentality and inspiring us to move in new, positive directions.

Through simple, accessible coaching practices, You Don't Owe Anyone shows us what it looks like to refuse to over-function in the old ways. It invites us to make the same surprising choices that have helped McGraw and her clients move past perfectionism, empowering us to quiet our fears and heal our hearts.

Genres: Self Help, Nonfiction, Psychology, Audiobook, Personal Development

221 pages, Kindle Edition

Published April 20, 2021

Reviews

[Kathryn LeRoy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I didn't get very far into Caroline McGraw’s book before I stopped cold on these words:

“We don’t go gently; instead, we drive ourselves mercilessly.”

Caroline’s words, her story, were not my story. Her experiences were not my experiences. Yet, the story she tells belongs to many of us.

I knew from the first time I heard Caroline speak that a powerful connection lay hidden beyond the miles and years that separated us. What I found in You Don’t Owe Anyone was bits and pieces of my own life and a story that I kept close because to share would expose the shame I carried tied in a knot inside my heart.

As Caroline instinctively knew, “IF YOU WERE THE good child and you’ve kept up your “good” status into adulthood, the secret truth is that you’re tired.”

And yes, I was tired.

If you are looking, as Caroline writes, “to bridge the gap between the head and the heart,” she has laid out a map for your journey.

Caroline offers her story, but more importantly, tasks, strategies, and tiny steps to becoming more of yourself no matter where you find yourself today.

[Jenna · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book came highly recommended by a psychologist colleague of mine and I really appreciated it both professionally and personally. Written both as a memoir/self help, I liked the overall thesis of challenging one’s sense of obligation in various aspects of life. Given cultural pressures on women specifically and in religious sub cultures especially, her thesis is both an opportunity to self reflect and take steps of empowerment. At times I thought there were more than enough examples from the author’s personal life, but she continued to interweave the chapter thesis well. I underlined a lot and have been recommending to clients and friends. I see this as a book to come back to over the years!

[Morag Renfro · Rating 5 out of 5]

It turns out that the "rules" to live by for childhood like 'be a good girl' and "do your best" don't translate well to adulthood. In fact they lead you down a path of lack of boundaries, people pleasing and perfectionism. As an adult there are new phrases like "just be you" and "live for the moment" that are flummoxing if you took the above childhood rules seriously. But how to change? It's hard and Caroline doesn't pretend it's easy, but she provides some guidance along with the solidarity of her own story. I found many of my experiences reflected in this book both the difficult and the healing. I feel like I can trust Caroline in the way she has shared openly but always with generosity of spirit which she has learned to extend to herself.

[Donna · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is Nonfiction/Self Help, but it kind of felt like a Memoir as well. The author shared so much of her own personal experiences....in a good way.

I really liked this one. It felt very conversational, like lunch with a mentor. There were some great take-aways and so much of this rang true to me. So 4 stars and I recommend this to anyone who feels weighed down by others and their expectations.

[Megan · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book. It was such a good mix of the author's personal life and practices to apply to your own life. The practices are practical and easy to apply if you're willing to put in the work. Well worth the read.

[Courtney Bloomer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Highly recommend this for my fellow perfectionist / people pleasers / self sacrificers! I will be referencing this for years to come!

[Arnold Grot]

For a perfectionist, like me, who wants to help others, it is hard to nurture myself. Caroline guides her readers through examining expectations, both from others but especially those we place on ourselves. She invites us with specific exercises for each expectation to test its validity and when need to change or let go. Perhaps the best are the stores she shares from her life to illustrate each expectation. It is good to know we are human and unique in our makeup. No excuses are require to follow your own path.

[Kai Schweizer · Rating 1 out of 5]

First DNF of 2023. I’m sure this book is wonderful for its target audience, but I discovered that I am not it. The writer describes the reader as ‘she’ and focuses a lot on making sense of a relationship to the Christian faith. I can see this book being valuable self-help to a Christian woman, but it just didn’t resonate with me.

[Kristina · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is an empowering self-help book. It's written with personal anecdotes from the author which adds depth & makes the lessons more engaging. In addition, McGraw quotes a lot of contemporary writers & researchers. Her work felt fresh. She includes easy-to-follow exercises at the end of each chapter.

You Don't Owe Anyone (terrific title) is a particularly great book for anyone who has struggled in their relationship with their mother or who was brought up with strict religious beliefs or who has a sibling with disabilities. I think young adults would benefit most from this book, especially if they don't have time for therapy!

A great tool to synthesize your experiences & an empathetic coach to help you make sense of it all. You will undoubtedly finish the book with more self-awareness & a stronger identity.

[S K · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Don't Owe Anyone is about a journey to liberation and how the author invites others to do the same. Real stories, real people, real struggle, real triumph. McGraw recognizes that the path as a recovering perfectionist has its ups and downs, but that a way out is possible. She doesn't leave the reader just sitting with the experiences of struggle, but also gives great tools to start the healing journey to living a life of integrity. This book is a must read if you're ready to become liberated and live your truth.

[Charlotte · Rating 5 out of 5]

I don't remember where I saw this book advertised but it was only $4 on Amazon and it is invaluable to anyone like me who ends up getting trapped in things they do not want to do. Through her personal story and experiences the author helps with practical tips and exercises to build the reader up to have a life of their own chosing and not one chosen by others who pour on the guilt. I do recommend this book for women or men but especially women.
A quote, "Where did it begin for you, dear one? When did you start believing that you owed the whole world?"

[Ted · Rating 5 out of 5]

Caroline tells stories of her own life and struggles with being a perfectionist and trying to please everyone else in a easy going style that makes it easy to see how we each do the same. She shares her experiences and tools to overcome the obstacles that hold us back.

A great story teller with a powerful message that gives proven techniques to use after we're done reading the book the first time, and between the subsequent readings as well.

[Evelina Jakubauskaite · Rating 5 out of 5]

I find the book You Don't Owe Anyone really special, beautifully written and full of wisdom. I am reading it second time now. I love the book's unique structure: each chapter has an autobiographical story from Caroline's life which helps the reader to connect with their own story and feelings. Also, each chapter has meaningful tools which help recognize and become free of painful patterns in our lives. Thank you very much Caroline and I can't wait to your new books in the future!

[Jennifer · Rating 5 out of 5]

You Don’t Owe Anyone is a wonderful hybrid of memoir and personal development. Caroline Garnet McGraw uses her own life experiences to show how to work through perfectionism and people-pleasing habits. Exercises help put clearly explained concepts into action. Treat yourself to this book. You owe it to yourself!

[Haley Minner · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF… Just like some other people said… I can see it being helpful to someone who is Christian. But the parts about religion really just threw me off and made it hard to pay attention, if you’re not Christian. Maybe would be a good idea to at least mention that this is a Christian book somewhere on the cover or in the description. Although, you don’t owe anyone anything IG. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Sharman Nittoli]

So grateful that Caroline has boldly written this insightful and revealing book that struck a nerve in me from so many chapters. Thankful for the exercises to understand and relieve that heavy weight with which I've been living for many years.

[Heather Trammell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Caroline is a very engaging communicator. So well spoken! This topic really grabbed me as it surely does so many in our overworked, always-gotta-say-yes world. Her advice just wasn't for me, though. We're just not on the same wave length.

[Darcy Schock · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was hard to review, she is a great writer and I share a lot of the same feelings as I recover from people pleasing and perfectionism. We don’t see eye to eye on faith and spiritual aspects so for that reason I can’t recommend it.

[Janelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't agree with a lot of her underlying messages but I do understand that she wrote from her personal experience and opinions and sometimes it's ok to read books that dont 100% align when how you think and believe.

[Kim · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book is a powerful reminder of doing the things you want to do, rather than the things you feel you should. The author's story was not my story but still had nuggets of wisdom embedded in each chapter.

[Donna · Rating 1 out of 5]

I can make this short and sweet. Nothing new to see here.....move along. I was underwhelmed by this book.

[Shelly · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was very helpful. I listened in audio but wound up buying a hard copy so I could do some of the exercises.

[Kyla Maloney · Rating 3 out of 5]

a little too religious for my tastes - but some good takeaways

[Marija S · Rating 1 out of 5]

My first DNF of 2025. I couldn't even get halfway through the book.