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Fullness: A Memoir
Having recently gotten married, landed her first corporate management job and purchased her first home, 28-year-old Azure thought she had finally overcome her past. But nearly choking to death on her own vomit after yet another secretive binge forced her to seek professional help and confront the origins of her consuming and shame filled behavior of compulsive eating and extreme dieting. This raw, illuminating and tragically comic book is the story of child Azure struggling to survive her upbringing by a brilliant, sociopathic father who starved and belittled her as well as adult Azure attempting to save her marriage and her psyche while contending with her preoccupation with food, her body, a fat-phobic society, and her insatiable hunger for love and acceptance.
286 pages, Kindle Edition
First published September 8, 2020
244 people are currently reading
488 people want to read
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March 14, 2023
3.5 stars. I have a bit of a mixed review about this book. My heart hurt for the author. She had such an abusive childhood that played into her eating disorder and her poor relationship with food and her body. I can relate to her in some ways as I too have struggled with an eating disorder and to this day I still struggle with a healthy relationship regarding food and my body. My disorder was not as severe as hers, and I did not have the childhood trauma she experienced but I still could relate in some ways to her. I was glad she finally decided to do something and see a counselor for her childhood and eating disorder but I felt that she was almost looking for an easy way out. The counselor would bring up support groups, medication for her depression and so on. The author tried these methods but basically said they “didn’t work for her” even though she didn’t give them a chance. She took meds one time and went to a support group one time and deemed they weren’t helpful. I just felt like she could have given things more of a chance. Also going on medication is not a bad thing and can be very useful. She stated she wanted to do things the right way when it came to medication which felt a bit ignorant to me. The ending also felt a little odd as she made it seem that having a baby solved all her eating issues. All in all it was a good read and I def had empathy for her and was glad she realized she had a problem and wanted to her help.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
November 1, 2023
how did the author write my every thought?
I picked this book up because I identified with the subject matter. What I didn’t know was how closely I’d identify with the author’s struggles with weight and trauma. Following along with Azure’s journey has given me a lot to think about and discuss with my own therapist. Sharing her journey must not have been easy, but I thank her for her bravery and honesty.
I picked this book up because I identified with the subject matter. What I didn’t know was how closely I’d identify with the author’s struggles with weight and trauma. Following along with Azure’s journey has given me a lot to think about and discuss with my own therapist. Sharing her journey must not have been easy, but I thank her for her bravery and honesty.
May 20, 2023
Interesting enough story, but there are SO many typos/misused words and editing issues. I stuck through the entire book, but almost abandoned it several times.
September 19, 2020
What an amazing read.
Eating disorders are truly misunderstood. Society continues to strongly associate lack of willpower with weight gain and fat shaming continues to be a very real thing. Some of the strongest people I know have been brought to their knees, including myself, by this disease.
The author does an excellent job of bringing us on a journey into her mind, while she discovers that a) there is a name for what she lives with every day and that she is not "the only one" living it and b) she is left to navigate this whole thing without much support from anyone, including her husband (who I never get a good handle on).
It's interesting, to me, that initially Azure doesnt see that binge eating is only a symptom of a much larger and complex issue. All she wants is quick weight loss, thinking that this will solve all her problems....it won't.
An eating disorder is usually the result of a massive trauma in your life, which this book explores, via Azure's weekly therapy sessions.
This book is both sad and hopeful and it is written with a brutal honesty, that brought up a lot of feelings for me.
The author and I share many views on this subject matter and Azure's description of obsessing over food, in her refrigerator, felt all too real.
This book explains quite well what an eating disorder does to your body and to your mind. It also looks at self-isolation and at all the bad choices you make, in the name of losing weight.
However, as we go further into the story, I do admit, I got annoyed, several times, with Azure's constant crying. It got old very fast and it was too much. The scene where they go to a party and everyone is having fun, except Azure who insists she needs to "talk/cry to her husband, at that exact moment, made me want to scream at her. Crying never solves issues (seriously, stop crying).
As I write the above sentence, I am remembering Azure's horrible family life and ask myself how I would have coped with parents that were basically egotistical and pretty useless.
Compulsive eating is a disease born out of trauma and as a friend of mine once told me..."it is also a disease of "more".
I read this book in basically 3 days and it is an honest and raw look at a disease that few people want to admit exists.
Wonderfully written, I admire Azure for writing this book.
Loved this so much.
Eating disorders are truly misunderstood. Society continues to strongly associate lack of willpower with weight gain and fat shaming continues to be a very real thing. Some of the strongest people I know have been brought to their knees, including myself, by this disease.
The author does an excellent job of bringing us on a journey into her mind, while she discovers that a) there is a name for what she lives with every day and that she is not "the only one" living it and b) she is left to navigate this whole thing without much support from anyone, including her husband (who I never get a good handle on).
It's interesting, to me, that initially Azure doesnt see that binge eating is only a symptom of a much larger and complex issue. All she wants is quick weight loss, thinking that this will solve all her problems....it won't.
An eating disorder is usually the result of a massive trauma in your life, which this book explores, via Azure's weekly therapy sessions.
This book is both sad and hopeful and it is written with a brutal honesty, that brought up a lot of feelings for me.
The author and I share many views on this subject matter and Azure's description of obsessing over food, in her refrigerator, felt all too real.
This book explains quite well what an eating disorder does to your body and to your mind. It also looks at self-isolation and at all the bad choices you make, in the name of losing weight.
However, as we go further into the story, I do admit, I got annoyed, several times, with Azure's constant crying. It got old very fast and it was too much. The scene where they go to a party and everyone is having fun, except Azure who insists she needs to "talk/cry to her husband, at that exact moment, made me want to scream at her. Crying never solves issues (seriously, stop crying).
As I write the above sentence, I am remembering Azure's horrible family life and ask myself how I would have coped with parents that were basically egotistical and pretty useless.
Compulsive eating is a disease born out of trauma and as a friend of mine once told me..."it is also a disease of "more".
I read this book in basically 3 days and it is an honest and raw look at a disease that few people want to admit exists.
Wonderfully written, I admire Azure for writing this book.
Loved this so much.
September 2, 2021
I’ve done a fair amount of reading about both eating disorders and psychopaths, but this was my first time to read the story of someone who developed an ED directly due to her psychopathic father. Also, this was the most exposure I’ve had to Compulsive Overeating Disorder and I learned a lot.
Raw, honest and vulnerable, Azure Moyna should be commended for her willingness to share about her struggles and abusive childhood so openly. Her story is heartbreaking.
I gave this 5 stars because the story is captivating and I tend to judge “memoir writing” very leniently due to the fact that they’re usually written by “everyday people” and not professional authors. Moyna is a decent writer. However, this book was FILLED with blatant spelling and grammatical errors that unfortunately distracted from the story. (Most notably, “hick up” instead of “hiccup”!?!) It honestly felt like a rough draft version of her book was accidentally sent to the publisher instead of the final version. It’s bad.
This is not Moyna’s fault, but her editors should be fired. It’s always so unfortunate when a book falls short simply because of sloppy sloppy editing.
Raw, honest and vulnerable, Azure Moyna should be commended for her willingness to share about her struggles and abusive childhood so openly. Her story is heartbreaking.
I gave this 5 stars because the story is captivating and I tend to judge “memoir writing” very leniently due to the fact that they’re usually written by “everyday people” and not professional authors. Moyna is a decent writer. However, this book was FILLED with blatant spelling and grammatical errors that unfortunately distracted from the story. (Most notably, “hick up” instead of “hiccup”!?!) It honestly felt like a rough draft version of her book was accidentally sent to the publisher instead of the final version. It’s bad.
This is not Moyna’s fault, but her editors should be fired. It’s always so unfortunate when a book falls short simply because of sloppy sloppy editing.
April 12, 2022
Loved this book! A peek into the detrimental consequences of emotional abuse on children and eating disorders
July 2, 2021
I really enjoyed this book. I am not a compulsive eater but I do struggle with my weight. I never had a problem with my weight until about 8 years ago or so. I have several medical diagnosis’s that make losing weight very difficult but I definitely fat shame myself every single day. I am a very large woman by this point. Much much past the size of 12-14. I wish I could be a 14.
I also had a very abusive childhood. I really connected to this book because I empathized with her and understand what it’s like to be abused by the people that are “supposed” to love you unconditionally. It’s the worst kind of abuse. What a complete mind fuck it is. I no longer speak to my mom. It’s just easier that way.
I really connected to the book and I loved the ending. I so hope to be there someday also.
Highly recommend this book. She has a way of pulling you in and she definitely keeps you entertained and page turning. Great book.
I also had a very abusive childhood. I really connected to this book because I empathized with her and understand what it’s like to be abused by the people that are “supposed” to love you unconditionally. It’s the worst kind of abuse. What a complete mind fuck it is. I no longer speak to my mom. It’s just easier that way.
I really connected to the book and I loved the ending. I so hope to be there someday also.
Highly recommend this book. She has a way of pulling you in and she definitely keeps you entertained and page turning. Great book.
November 17, 2025
This book was absolutely brilliant and healed me in a way that very few things have. Azure has a history of eating disordered behavior, abuse and mental illness and even though the details of our stories don't fully match, there is enough similarity for her healing journey to inspire my own. Now I'll just post some of the quotes that can speak for themselves.
Quotes
I sniffled. “I don’t like asking people for things because then they’ll know what my needs are.”
“Wow. Do you hear it? That is profound, Azure, bravo!” I laughed, embarrassed. I hated it when people said things like bravo to me. “Expressing your needs growing up was not safe; even having your dad know your needs was not safe.”
I nodded, “Because they would be used against me.”
“My biggest regret in life is that I didn’t kick my dad’s ass,” my dad would say, “for making me stand in the bathtub with my hands at my sides and get hit, for making me go to school with a hand print on my face.” I understood, but never really felt that way, myself. I never wanted violent revenge except in the heat of the moment. All I ever really wanted was acknowledgement—for him to say, “I know I hurt you and I’m sorry,” even if it was accompanied by a true but diluting statement like, “So I wasn’t perfect,” or “I did the best I could,” or “I didn’t know any different.” Was there anything I could ever do or say to get through to him, to talk to that inner kid in there, to make him understand my pain the way that the boy I imagined him being would? Nothing I had ever tried had been effective.
I begrudgingly stood there and gave my best smiles, feeling so guilty for taking up the space and looking the way I did.
“I should be able to bring it up every time I talk to you for the rest of your life if I want! And you should be willing to hear it, to try to make things right with me.”
What am I supposed to say, that if I were loved, that would make my entire life bearable? Not even bearable, but validate my very existence on the planet. That I am fucking angry at… the world, at God for doing this to me? For birthing me to my parents? For making me look the way I look? For no one ever helping me, ever? For living in a world where my real life is a secret, for being told that the part of me that is visible is too visible? That I am so sick of hearing people say what I am or am not? And yet simultaneously wanting everyone, to tell me what they want me to be so I can just be that already. What do you want me to be? Just tell me! And since the only person you people are only ever worried about is my brother, what the FUCK is the point?
I also want to remind you that narcissism is a family disease, not just the narcissistic individual. Family members cater to the demands of the narcissist and treat them as though they are healthy individuals, which inflates their egos even more.
I understood even at fourteen what most people do not about domestic abuse—that the emotions are so much more complex than you can imagine. Some of the few friends I’d confided in over the years would say things like “If my dad did that to me, I would hate him.” I imagine if a random person comes up to you in the street and assaults you, it’s easy to hate them. When it’s your parent who does it, it’s not binary like that- love or hate, but both simultaneously. I did hate him, and yet I didn’t. I don’t think that what I felt for him was love, exactly. It was more of a longing for him to love me, mixed with admiration and obligation to do right by him.
When I was skinny, guys treated me differently, and that happens to be when I met my husband, so in a way, yeah, I agree. But then there is this other part of me that’s like fuck you, Society, because I am the same person whether I am heavier or lighter. How can I be the same person and not be deserving of love in one body configuration or another? Is someone more or less deserving of love if their hair is brown instead of blonde? No. If their skin is a certain color and not another? No. But somehow weight is different even though I think it’s no different.
Was there anything more humiliating than having to show up as I was? To be held accountable to what I had done to my body even if there were reasons, exquisitely good reasons, that no one else knew and I couldn’t very well share.
“Do you know what love tastes like?” I asked him. “For me it tastes like Grandma’s shell macaroni or mac and cheese or Reese’s peanut butter cups. Do you know what frustration tastes like? It tastes like barbecue kettle chips, the really crunchy kind. Do you know what despair tastes like? Boiled brussels sprouts and nonfat cottage cheese. Do you know what deprivation tastes like? Kale and hummus. Do you know what desperation tastes like? Two Melba toast crackers and a syringe of HCG. I have a food pairing for every scenario, every emotion. Food isn’t just food for me!”
Is the opposite of addiction absolute abstinence? Is declaring myself unfit for society and putting myself in a cage the only way to deal with this? Is that really healing addiction or just succumbing to its powers? Is food really an addiction at all? It’s food! Food is central to life—it’s sustenance and celebration and love. Eating is natural, food is a friend, food even saved my life, according to Sylvie. I refuse to believe that I have to vigilantly abstain from all my favorite foods, to desperately bat food away like a pack of converging zombies. Food isn’t a monster and neither is my appetite for it. Is a life with no mac and cheese or chips or burritos, or mousse au chocolat, or anything I love so passionately really a life worth living? I want to live fully—yes, full-ly!—but just not have food run my life. To be normal with food. Isn’t that possible? To be able to have a little of something, like everyone else, and not the whole bag or container? But the fact is I can’t do that, at least not yet. If that makes me a food addict, then so be it, but I know somewhere inside me there is the power to be as I was naturally intended, a person for whom food can just be food in a way where food is still glorious food. I am not powerless, I know I can be powerful. Power-full. (Pun intended and without shame).
As a former addict, can you imagine what it’s like to have a problem with drugs, but having to take them several times a day, every single day? Where it’s not about abstaining, but about forming a healthy, respectful and balanced relationship with drugs? Most addicts I’m sure would agree that it would be near impossible, if even possible, and that is what recovery with food is like for someone like me. Let me ask you something else. Can you imagine what it’s like to struggle with this addiction and not be able to get compassion from your husband who has himself struggled with addiction? To be judged by him all the time? I can’t even tell you how much it disappoints me that you of all people, don’t help me.
I held and studied her. As she slept so peacefully it struck me—the difference between us. She looked like me, but knew nothing but love. Would she be who I might have been without the pain, the consumption by pain, the addictive behavior to stave off pain? Growing up I had wanted to be a boy so badly, wanted to have the respect and power it meant in my family, and yet now I wouldn’t trade being a woman for anything. My body had the power to grow life, to give life, to sustain life through nourishment my body created, the source of this all-powerful love, a love that trumped all others I had ever experienced before. Aveline’s smiles made me feel like I could fly. When she was in pain, I practically buckled over in pain myself. And even though I was so glad to give Aveline this endless love, there was a tiny part of me that was a little sad to no longer be ignorant to it, knowing that I had never and will never receive that kind of love myself. There must be something so wrong with Dad, to not have this, to actually seem to enjoy inflicting pain upon his child. And, Mom, how much of her must be cut off to be able to walk away from her children with such ease.
Whatever was wrong with you, I wish it had been more visible, more clearly distinguishable from you like cancer or even schizophrenia. Did I ever even meet the real you, or was all I knew some kind of disease? I’m sorry for whatever pain you experienced in your life that led you to treat me like that. I wish you could have seen how much we are actually alike, both kids whose fathers hurt us. I wish I could have once reached that part of you. Maybe then we could have been friends.
I am a whole two of me removed from that house. And I have done the work, cried my million tears, come to accept and love who I am. I’m not a delicately prepared, micro-portioned, Michelin star meal. And I no longer desire to be. I am something that took what life dished out for me and turned it into something else entirely. I used to think of myself as a hot mess, but I now know that I am like a casserole, mixing unrefined and unlikely ingredients into something hearty, gritty, plentiful, familiar and most of all real.
Quotes
I sniffled. “I don’t like asking people for things because then they’ll know what my needs are.”
“Wow. Do you hear it? That is profound, Azure, bravo!” I laughed, embarrassed. I hated it when people said things like bravo to me. “Expressing your needs growing up was not safe; even having your dad know your needs was not safe.”
I nodded, “Because they would be used against me.”
“My biggest regret in life is that I didn’t kick my dad’s ass,” my dad would say, “for making me stand in the bathtub with my hands at my sides and get hit, for making me go to school with a hand print on my face.” I understood, but never really felt that way, myself. I never wanted violent revenge except in the heat of the moment. All I ever really wanted was acknowledgement—for him to say, “I know I hurt you and I’m sorry,” even if it was accompanied by a true but diluting statement like, “So I wasn’t perfect,” or “I did the best I could,” or “I didn’t know any different.” Was there anything I could ever do or say to get through to him, to talk to that inner kid in there, to make him understand my pain the way that the boy I imagined him being would? Nothing I had ever tried had been effective.
I begrudgingly stood there and gave my best smiles, feeling so guilty for taking up the space and looking the way I did.
“I should be able to bring it up every time I talk to you for the rest of your life if I want! And you should be willing to hear it, to try to make things right with me.”
What am I supposed to say, that if I were loved, that would make my entire life bearable? Not even bearable, but validate my very existence on the planet. That I am fucking angry at… the world, at God for doing this to me? For birthing me to my parents? For making me look the way I look? For no one ever helping me, ever? For living in a world where my real life is a secret, for being told that the part of me that is visible is too visible? That I am so sick of hearing people say what I am or am not? And yet simultaneously wanting everyone, to tell me what they want me to be so I can just be that already. What do you want me to be? Just tell me! And since the only person you people are only ever worried about is my brother, what the FUCK is the point?
I also want to remind you that narcissism is a family disease, not just the narcissistic individual. Family members cater to the demands of the narcissist and treat them as though they are healthy individuals, which inflates their egos even more.
I understood even at fourteen what most people do not about domestic abuse—that the emotions are so much more complex than you can imagine. Some of the few friends I’d confided in over the years would say things like “If my dad did that to me, I would hate him.” I imagine if a random person comes up to you in the street and assaults you, it’s easy to hate them. When it’s your parent who does it, it’s not binary like that- love or hate, but both simultaneously. I did hate him, and yet I didn’t. I don’t think that what I felt for him was love, exactly. It was more of a longing for him to love me, mixed with admiration and obligation to do right by him.
When I was skinny, guys treated me differently, and that happens to be when I met my husband, so in a way, yeah, I agree. But then there is this other part of me that’s like fuck you, Society, because I am the same person whether I am heavier or lighter. How can I be the same person and not be deserving of love in one body configuration or another? Is someone more or less deserving of love if their hair is brown instead of blonde? No. If their skin is a certain color and not another? No. But somehow weight is different even though I think it’s no different.
Was there anything more humiliating than having to show up as I was? To be held accountable to what I had done to my body even if there were reasons, exquisitely good reasons, that no one else knew and I couldn’t very well share.
“Do you know what love tastes like?” I asked him. “For me it tastes like Grandma’s shell macaroni or mac and cheese or Reese’s peanut butter cups. Do you know what frustration tastes like? It tastes like barbecue kettle chips, the really crunchy kind. Do you know what despair tastes like? Boiled brussels sprouts and nonfat cottage cheese. Do you know what deprivation tastes like? Kale and hummus. Do you know what desperation tastes like? Two Melba toast crackers and a syringe of HCG. I have a food pairing for every scenario, every emotion. Food isn’t just food for me!”
Is the opposite of addiction absolute abstinence? Is declaring myself unfit for society and putting myself in a cage the only way to deal with this? Is that really healing addiction or just succumbing to its powers? Is food really an addiction at all? It’s food! Food is central to life—it’s sustenance and celebration and love. Eating is natural, food is a friend, food even saved my life, according to Sylvie. I refuse to believe that I have to vigilantly abstain from all my favorite foods, to desperately bat food away like a pack of converging zombies. Food isn’t a monster and neither is my appetite for it. Is a life with no mac and cheese or chips or burritos, or mousse au chocolat, or anything I love so passionately really a life worth living? I want to live fully—yes, full-ly!—but just not have food run my life. To be normal with food. Isn’t that possible? To be able to have a little of something, like everyone else, and not the whole bag or container? But the fact is I can’t do that, at least not yet. If that makes me a food addict, then so be it, but I know somewhere inside me there is the power to be as I was naturally intended, a person for whom food can just be food in a way where food is still glorious food. I am not powerless, I know I can be powerful. Power-full. (Pun intended and without shame).
As a former addict, can you imagine what it’s like to have a problem with drugs, but having to take them several times a day, every single day? Where it’s not about abstaining, but about forming a healthy, respectful and balanced relationship with drugs? Most addicts I’m sure would agree that it would be near impossible, if even possible, and that is what recovery with food is like for someone like me. Let me ask you something else. Can you imagine what it’s like to struggle with this addiction and not be able to get compassion from your husband who has himself struggled with addiction? To be judged by him all the time? I can’t even tell you how much it disappoints me that you of all people, don’t help me.
I held and studied her. As she slept so peacefully it struck me—the difference between us. She looked like me, but knew nothing but love. Would she be who I might have been without the pain, the consumption by pain, the addictive behavior to stave off pain? Growing up I had wanted to be a boy so badly, wanted to have the respect and power it meant in my family, and yet now I wouldn’t trade being a woman for anything. My body had the power to grow life, to give life, to sustain life through nourishment my body created, the source of this all-powerful love, a love that trumped all others I had ever experienced before. Aveline’s smiles made me feel like I could fly. When she was in pain, I practically buckled over in pain myself. And even though I was so glad to give Aveline this endless love, there was a tiny part of me that was a little sad to no longer be ignorant to it, knowing that I had never and will never receive that kind of love myself. There must be something so wrong with Dad, to not have this, to actually seem to enjoy inflicting pain upon his child. And, Mom, how much of her must be cut off to be able to walk away from her children with such ease.
Whatever was wrong with you, I wish it had been more visible, more clearly distinguishable from you like cancer or even schizophrenia. Did I ever even meet the real you, or was all I knew some kind of disease? I’m sorry for whatever pain you experienced in your life that led you to treat me like that. I wish you could have seen how much we are actually alike, both kids whose fathers hurt us. I wish I could have once reached that part of you. Maybe then we could have been friends.
I am a whole two of me removed from that house. And I have done the work, cried my million tears, come to accept and love who I am. I’m not a delicately prepared, micro-portioned, Michelin star meal. And I no longer desire to be. I am something that took what life dished out for me and turned it into something else entirely. I used to think of myself as a hot mess, but I now know that I am like a casserole, mixing unrefined and unlikely ingredients into something hearty, gritty, plentiful, familiar and most of all real.
May 3, 2023
If you have ever struggled with your weight in a real way, this is definitely a book you should check out, but don't expect it to give you the answers to your problems. It is one person's story, which in a way can show us all that the "this method can fix anyone" approach that the diet and exercise industry takes is just bogus. However, her story also shows us how the struggle is real, the struggle is constant, and the struggle depends on so many other factors other than the foods we eat and the exercises we do.
If you know me, you know I struggle with my weight. I've been up and down so many times body is riding an elevator full time. In so many ways, I found Azure's thinking relatable. The things she did at a party, I've done. The ways she's coped with problems in her life are the exact same as ways I've tried to eat my emotions. The little lies she's told to hide her calorie indiscretions are same as one's I've confessed to time and again. For much of the book I was reading about myself, and I wondered if I had somehow gone undiagnosed with some illness that caused me to overeat and binge for almost any reason.
Still, my life was a bed of roses compared to hers, and I'm not sure I could or would blame so many others for not helping me deal with my personal demons. That was really where she lost me a little. She didn't want to follow her doctor's advice on certain courses of action because she wanted to do it her way. She wanted her husband, and abusive father to do things they didn't know how to do simply because it would make her journey easier (at least in her mind.) She'd make judgements of others for judging her, while simply judging herself. That part of her journey is different than mine and led to a completely different perspective than I'd seen before.
The biggest takeaway for me though is just how much we don't need others looking at our life choices with derision. For the most part no one knows everything a person has gone through other than that person. No one knows how much exercise a person does, how abusive a parent was, or how a person's relationship with food can be affected by the outside influences in their lives as a child. We only see the physical side of a stranger, and have no idea what turmoil goes on inside. Believe me, there is turmoil in all of us, we are all just learning to deal with it in our own way.
Like I said, if you struggle with personal feelings of disappointment because you are overweight I recommend reading Azure's story. You might get something out of it that will help you. If you don't struggle with your weight but would like a further understand of our plight, read this book, and gather a new perspective. If you just think you can lose weight if you want and all it takes is a little will power, then read this book and maybe learn something. At the very least learn that your life isn't the life of someone else.
If you know me, you know I struggle with my weight. I've been up and down so many times body is riding an elevator full time. In so many ways, I found Azure's thinking relatable. The things she did at a party, I've done. The ways she's coped with problems in her life are the exact same as ways I've tried to eat my emotions. The little lies she's told to hide her calorie indiscretions are same as one's I've confessed to time and again. For much of the book I was reading about myself, and I wondered if I had somehow gone undiagnosed with some illness that caused me to overeat and binge for almost any reason.
Still, my life was a bed of roses compared to hers, and I'm not sure I could or would blame so many others for not helping me deal with my personal demons. That was really where she lost me a little. She didn't want to follow her doctor's advice on certain courses of action because she wanted to do it her way. She wanted her husband, and abusive father to do things they didn't know how to do simply because it would make her journey easier (at least in her mind.) She'd make judgements of others for judging her, while simply judging herself. That part of her journey is different than mine and led to a completely different perspective than I'd seen before.
The biggest takeaway for me though is just how much we don't need others looking at our life choices with derision. For the most part no one knows everything a person has gone through other than that person. No one knows how much exercise a person does, how abusive a parent was, or how a person's relationship with food can be affected by the outside influences in their lives as a child. We only see the physical side of a stranger, and have no idea what turmoil goes on inside. Believe me, there is turmoil in all of us, we are all just learning to deal with it in our own way.
Like I said, if you struggle with personal feelings of disappointment because you are overweight I recommend reading Azure's story. You might get something out of it that will help you. If you don't struggle with your weight but would like a further understand of our plight, read this book, and gather a new perspective. If you just think you can lose weight if you want and all it takes is a little will power, then read this book and maybe learn something. At the very least learn that your life isn't the life of someone else.
January 25, 2023
This year I decided to finally confront a lot of the guilt and anxiety I have surrounding most foods and one of the ways I chose to do that was to read more self help books and memoirs that touched on that exact issue. While I in no way struggle with overeating as much as Azure did, I could relate to some of her struggles and couldn’t imagine the horror she must have faced at the hands of her heinous father. With that being said I wasn’t impressed with a lot of this book. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone into it thinking that it would “save me.” Or “cure me” of my problems. That there would be this clear as day “a-ha” moment hidden between the pages. So take everything I say with a grain of salt.
If I had to use a few words to describe the majority of this book, it would be confusing. Scattered. Hazy. There were too many flashbacks and they happened too suddenly. While I vaguely got the message she was trying to give, I thought it could have been a smoother ride getting there. I also wish Azure would have stopped making so many excuses for her husband, who for a lot of the story struck me as uncaring and dismissive.
I enjoyed the story enough to continue reading until completion but I can’t say I’d recommend it. I’ll finish this review by paraphrasing a quote from the book that I plan on taking into the rest of my life.
“Be more consistent and not so all or nothing.”
If I had to use a few words to describe the majority of this book, it would be confusing. Scattered. Hazy. There were too many flashbacks and they happened too suddenly. While I vaguely got the message she was trying to give, I thought it could have been a smoother ride getting there. I also wish Azure would have stopped making so many excuses for her husband, who for a lot of the story struck me as uncaring and dismissive.
I enjoyed the story enough to continue reading until completion but I can’t say I’d recommend it. I’ll finish this review by paraphrasing a quote from the book that I plan on taking into the rest of my life.
“Be more consistent and not so all or nothing.”
October 8, 2023
This is a touching and beautiful book. I like Azure's writing a lot. This book reminds me of another memoir "I'm glad my mom died". Similarly, the author suffered from childhood abuse, which caused her to reject herself and think that being thin could solve all her problems. The ending is unusual. This book did not provide a solution to how to become thinner or how to have a better relationship with food. The author tried antidepression medication once and went to an AA meeting once, but gave up these treatments because she thought these solutions were unnature, and could not solve the fundamental problems - her relationship with her dad, what she is as a person outside of her work and outside her relationship with food. I think that people with severe health conditions should definitely seek treatments, but I also respect Azure's choice. Controlling and counting calories and being entirely absence from sugar or any food that you tend to overeat is just another deliberate attempt to have an unhealthy relationship with food.
Azure went to the intreatment camp and had a baby. Her life seems to be better - less likely to overeat, have a better relationship with hushands, talks about feelings with each other, less impacted by the work stress because she has a life outside of work, and most importantly, knows to love herself and to accept herself as who she is.
Azure went to the intreatment camp and had a baby. Her life seems to be better - less likely to overeat, have a better relationship with hushands, talks about feelings with each other, less impacted by the work stress because she has a life outside of work, and most importantly, knows to love herself and to accept herself as who she is.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 28, 2022
This is difficult to rate, i do not want to disregard anyones memoir but this book as a whole is extremely misleading in the area of mental health.
The therapist the author refers to uses harmful techniques and basically abandons all care in the book.
Tele-health is not recommended for eating disorders for many reasons
The author has a list of people/resources in the final pages- 'coaches' are not qualified nor licensed
The author goes on to take a role a internet blogger/coach- again shes not qualified for this
I have great empathy for anyone who experienced child abuse and escaped, i have nothing but compassion for anyone who experienced any type of abuse. But this particular book just is filled with what feels like mindless ramblings.
And since when is a size 14/16 'fat', I felt like the author was continually fat shaming. There is a much better way to word and phrase the book, this needed so much editing and re-writes.
2 stars is a huge stretch,
The therapist the author refers to uses harmful techniques and basically abandons all care in the book.
Tele-health is not recommended for eating disorders for many reasons
The author has a list of people/resources in the final pages- 'coaches' are not qualified nor licensed
The author goes on to take a role a internet blogger/coach- again shes not qualified for this
I have great empathy for anyone who experienced child abuse and escaped, i have nothing but compassion for anyone who experienced any type of abuse. But this particular book just is filled with what feels like mindless ramblings.
And since when is a size 14/16 'fat', I felt like the author was continually fat shaming. There is a much better way to word and phrase the book, this needed so much editing and re-writes.
2 stars is a huge stretch,
March 22, 2022
Azure had a hard life and I truly admire where she is today. Reading the stories about her childhood made me think "is it even possible to not have an eating disorder when brought up in this way?"
She sometimes dragged on a little in her rants but I could tell she just felt really strongly about something and wanted to get her point across.
I was hoping she would stick with OA because I would have loved to hear more about that. But I also admired her knowing what she wanted in how she lived her life.
I love the last sentence of the book. But I was still left a little wondering "was she healed?"
She is obviously a talented writer and should continue. I would love to read another book by Azure.
She sometimes dragged on a little in her rants but I could tell she just felt really strongly about something and wanted to get her point across.
I was hoping she would stick with OA because I would have loved to hear more about that. But I also admired her knowing what she wanted in how she lived her life.
I love the last sentence of the book. But I was still left a little wondering "was she healed?"
She is obviously a talented writer and should continue. I would love to read another book by Azure.
January 20, 2024
The typos in this book were infinite. I found myself going back and reading sentences over and over to make sure I was reading part of them. I enjoyed her flashbacks in the sense that they were well written. And I could feel myself in them. Was her trauma immeasurable, yes. However, when she went into her inner Monologues; I felt as if the writing styles were so different that it didn’t mesh well in bits. I’m super happy she has a sense of closure and happiness with her spouse, but I also feel like birthing a child isn’t the answer to happiness, which is what it felt like she was hinting at. The three stars are mainly for her flashbacks that were articulated in a way, I felt I was in the room with her.
May 18, 2021
An Amazingly Written Look Into Compulsive Eating Disorder
There are few examples in literature which so rawly and captivatingly address the impacts of child abuse in the form that Azure endured. As a fellow survivor, the bravery with which she tells her story is admirable. As an addiction advocate, I am so grateful to have been enlightened into the realities of “food addiction” by Azure’s story. Azure you are so strong and I think I can say this for many other readers when I say I’m proud of you for where you’ve ended up (despite the odds) and I’m rooting for you and your family.
There are few examples in literature which so rawly and captivatingly address the impacts of child abuse in the form that Azure endured. As a fellow survivor, the bravery with which she tells her story is admirable. As an addiction advocate, I am so grateful to have been enlightened into the realities of “food addiction” by Azure’s story. Azure you are so strong and I think I can say this for many other readers when I say I’m proud of you for where you’ve ended up (despite the odds) and I’m rooting for you and your family.
June 19, 2023
Potential TW because the book didn’t give one and it definitely needed one: ED’S, domestic abuse
This is a good book in the sense that it was painfully relatable at times and shed some light on how childhood abuse can inform our eating habits/disorders. However, the kindle edition had some strange typos that threw me off and I feel like the author really overused her inner monologue during scenes where it perhaps was not especially needed. I think there’s a certain talent in describing a scene in a way where we don’t have to be dropped into the internal monologue to feel what the character is feeling and even for a memoir it felt out of place at times.
This is a good book in the sense that it was painfully relatable at times and shed some light on how childhood abuse can inform our eating habits/disorders. However, the kindle edition had some strange typos that threw me off and I feel like the author really overused her inner monologue during scenes where it perhaps was not especially needed. I think there’s a certain talent in describing a scene in a way where we don’t have to be dropped into the internal monologue to feel what the character is feeling and even for a memoir it felt out of place at times.
March 15, 2022
Honestly the way the author talked about other people and their bodies bothered me a lot. Especially when she was minimizing the problems of others just because they were thin (even when they were at the same overeating workshop as her). And I hated the way she talked about antidepressants. Her statement about wanting to solve her problems “the real way” instead of taking antidepressants was very ignorant and harmful. I understand that it’s a memoir and her experience but I would definitely not recommend this book to anyone who is actively struggling with disordered eating or depression.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
August 10, 2022
A journey
This was a very interesting look into a persons journey surviving childhood abuse and trauma and the struggles it caused into her adult relationships, including herself. The author gives insight into eating disorders specifically binging and food addiction and how differently society treats those who are not average size and weight. Her inner monologue and self talk was so sad to read and really shows just how much she was struggling with self worth. She really bared all her deepest darkest secrets and left it all on the table with this book. Loved it!
This was a very interesting look into a persons journey surviving childhood abuse and trauma and the struggles it caused into her adult relationships, including herself. The author gives insight into eating disorders specifically binging and food addiction and how differently society treats those who are not average size and weight. Her inner monologue and self talk was so sad to read and really shows just how much she was struggling with self worth. She really bared all her deepest darkest secrets and left it all on the table with this book. Loved it!
May 10, 2024
This was like reading a memoir written about my life. I love how the inner monologue was written and again, it just felt like I was reading about myself. I enjoyed the pace, and how the characters interacted.
However, some of this book will be triggering to you if you deal with disorded eating or abusive families. In some scenes, I had to put it down and take a breath as what the author went through is intense and brings back my own memories.
EXCELLENT READ.
Very grateful I gave this one a shot and read it.
However, some of this book will be triggering to you if you deal with disorded eating or abusive families. In some scenes, I had to put it down and take a breath as what the author went through is intense and brings back my own memories.
EXCELLENT READ.
Very grateful I gave this one a shot and read it.
January 29, 2022
Wow. This book was heavy. It was an ok read. I don’t regret reading it, but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it to anyone else. I wish she included more pieces from her healing journey. *Spoiler warning*, the end of the book was essentially “I had a baby and I was healed”. More than anything, I just wanted to hug this girl and stand up to her family myself. It really affected my faith in humanity. I can’t believe how cruel people can be. Good, but very sad book.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
December 12, 2023
I loved this book, her brutal honesty and openness is what you want in a memoir. The verbal, emotional and mental abuse was shocking. The author is so brave to go thru all the work to learn about herself, make changes and heal from trauma. My only complaint is I wish I knew more about the relationship with her Mom and brother Jake. It’s understandable given that it is her story to tell but I was very curious to learn more.
Wishing her the best in life and thankful she shared her story.
Wishing her the best in life and thankful she shared her story.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
May 8, 2021
Good
A good book about something that's not talked about a lot: compulsive overeating and its ties to upbringing. The book had it's grammatical errors and I got a little judgy (wanted her to take meds and go to OE meetings!), but overall I enjoyed it very much and am glad she told her story. She deserves her wonderful family for sure.
A good book about something that's not talked about a lot: compulsive overeating and its ties to upbringing. The book had it's grammatical errors and I got a little judgy (wanted her to take meds and go to OE meetings!), but overall I enjoyed it very much and am glad she told her story. She deserves her wonderful family for sure.
January 9, 2024
Great book couldn’t put it down
Finally! A book about recovery from binge eating disorder, after all the books about anorexia and bulimia! I love how the author showed that overeaters anonymous isn’t the only way to recovery from food problems. I’ve had a hard time convincing people of this!
Finally! A book about recovery from binge eating disorder, after all the books about anorexia and bulimia! I love how the author showed that overeaters anonymous isn’t the only way to recovery from food problems. I’ve had a hard time convincing people of this!
May 13, 2025
Incredible story. Though my past wasn’t as intense as hers, the amount of times I found myself crying for and with the author throughout the story made me so attached to this book. It helped me have some personal reflection about my healing journey from childhood trauma and the habits I have now to cope. This book is worth a read. One of the most beautifully written memoirs I’ve read.
January 14, 2021
Wonderful, personal and exceptionally detailed story. I couldn’t put it down and it really made me feel like I was feeling every up and down battle Azure, herself was feeling with family, marriage and food. Truly spectacular!
March 29, 2021
Vulnerable and satiating
A personal look inside the abuse that can lead to self destructive behavior. It was difficult to read about such awful abuse within a family but also good to know with hard work you can escape the self hate it causes-
A personal look inside the abuse that can lead to self destructive behavior. It was difficult to read about such awful abuse within a family but also good to know with hard work you can escape the self hate it causes-
November 9, 2021
Love this book!
I related so much to this book as I was sexually abused as a child by many different perpetrators. I was able to overcome as Azure did! I have often thought about writing a book. I loved reading about Azure and how she was able to overcome such horrible abuse!
I related so much to this book as I was sexually abused as a child by many different perpetrators. I was able to overcome as Azure did! I have often thought about writing a book. I loved reading about Azure and how she was able to overcome such horrible abuse!
December 19, 2021
Relatable and authentic
This memoir allowed me to feel seen. Her rawness and the way she interwoven her past with what she was going through made me think of my own life and experiences.
This memoir allowed me to feel seen. Her rawness and the way she interwoven her past with what she was going through made me think of my own life and experiences.
April 9, 2022
Bravery
Kudos to Azure; a BRAVE woman to share her story of childhood abuse, abandonment and food addiction! Beautifully written!! She has been gifted with an angelic husband! And is so deserving of him!
Kudos to Azure; a BRAVE woman to share her story of childhood abuse, abandonment and food addiction! Beautifully written!! She has been gifted with an angelic husband! And is so deserving of him!
February 13, 2025
Was it really necessary to include the word “babe” in every. Single. Damn. Sentence when she and her husband are speaking to each other? So annoying.
Also, after a whole book load of complaining, she goes to one retreat and everything is hunky dory afterwards?
Also, after a whole book load of complaining, she goes to one retreat and everything is hunky dory afterwards?
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