✰ 3.25 stars ✰
“He said, I’m worried.
I said, I know.
He said, No, you don’t. I’m worried you won’t be able to handle this.
It was the first time he ever broke my heart. I shook, sobbing, because I believed he was right.”
It has been ten years since Kevin left Minneapolis for New York City in the hopes of finding himself - to be around others who would make him feel at ease about himself. He may not have successfully pursued a college education, but he was lucky in finding love with Francesco, 'a gay man so content with just being who he was, so devoid of insecurity, that I felt like I had discovered an entirely new species of Homo sapiens.' And with him, a whole joy of life and love was discovered that he would not train for all the memories he cherished with him, until the devastating news that would forever change their lives. It has been two years After Francesco lost his fight against AIDS - two years in which Kevin has lost himself and his will to live - drowning himself in alcohol and wasting away his life - till those who are left behind remind him why it is so important for him to stay - rekindling in him the will to live again. 🙏🏻🙏🏻
“He was enough for me; in fact, he was all I had ever wanted. I told him that, and I’m glad I did. There’s a lot I can reproach myself for, and one thing I’ll never be able to forgive myself for, but not telling Francesco I loved him enough isn’t on the list.”
I get really emotional whenever I read about AIDS - I can't help it. 😞 An entire generation was affected - the scope of the heartache and the panic and the gravitas of the tragedy - I can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like for those who were affected by it. Kevin's pain - his anguish and grief over Francesco's death echoed in every corner - in every crevice existed the reminder of him of the beautiful life they shared together in New York - a loneliness so palpable that my heart ached for him. 'But what made me fall in love so fast and so completely, I quickly came to realize, was his ease: with himself, with the world. This was new to me.' 🥹 He has an irreplaceable gratitude for Francesco for the inescapable love that he blessed him with, when Kevin was so young and naive. He welcomed him with such warmth and tenderness - he was everything to him. His death crippled his heart - made it impossible for him to even cry for him, crippling himself emotionally in the process. It makes sense then why going back home was probably the best thing for him, to find a way to break away from that lingering pain that threatened to destroy him, in order to keep the remaining parts of his heart still intact. 😢
“Sometimes there are no words. Or there are, but we’re sick and tired of hearing them over and over again. So, instead of words, we hold him, physically, in our arms, which manifest our love and our support.”
It felt so strange returning to Michigan with Kevin - so much of what had taken place ten years ago still clings to his heart and the place, but it felt like we only got a brief glimpse into the life he had left behind. It was nice to meet his Aunt again - I adored his friendship with Tommy - the straight guy who loves him unequivocally. 'i felt myself suffocating: It was the worst kind of betrayal to leave him there all by himself, locked tight in a box.' 😟 There were a few challenges I wished could have been addressed in a more positive light, but I understood why it turned out the way it did, only for him to realize how much of himself is in desperate need of change. Coming home also gave him the chance to explore the possibility of a new relationship - to pursue one with Dave, someone he met at his grief counseling sessions - someone who has also lost his beloved partner to AIDS. What really hit me was how emotional Kevin finally allowed himself to be - the tear ducts that refused to stop - the sheer want to just hold someone - 'maybe holding on to each other’s the healthiest thing we can do' - the longing for a touch that could make him feel comforted - embraced and loved. 🫂🫂 I didn't know for sure if there was any future to him with Dave, but it was an interesting and necessary part of his life; for him to understand and realize where he saw his potential future with. Can it be possible for two people so traumatized by their grief to forge a future together?
It was a really genuine and realistic portrayal of how he is so deeply affected by Francesco's death - so much of his heart belonged to him - how can one find it in themselves to beat again - to breathe again without it. Kevin's voice always shined with honesty, and this time around; most of it centered around his memories of Francesco, but it was still an emotional character-driven read, where we see Kevin struggle with his own grief, but watching the rest of the world also being affected by it. 😥 The story focused a major part of the narrative on the political aspect of how AIDS became a fight for acceptance and the heartbreaking way in how one takes advantage of this tragedy. That bit with Francesco's sister - how she chose to profit from her brother's fight appalled me - I don't even have the words to describe how furious it made me to see the blase and insincere and callous way in which people can just profit off other's pain - without any remorse. 😣💔💔
“I live not knowing. But I act like I have it, like everyone has it, because maybe we all do. It’s how we live now; it’s how we die now.”
As much as Kevin's love for Francesco was felt with every fiber of my being, so, too, were the friends that fought for him to stay alive - that gave him the strength he needed. And to celebrate the lives of those who lived - their memory nor their legacy does not die with them. Laurie and Tommy and even, Toshiro, each leant their hand to embrace Kevin with their love for him - to show how brave he is for never giving up - to remind him how strong he is for being here. 'Who you are, he said, is entirely up to you, whether you believe it or not.' 🥺 Their actions, their thoughts - everything came from the heart. Their desire for helping him - whether he wanted it or not - even when he was reluctant, stubbornly refusing to believe that someone as broken and tainted as him could ever be capable of being loved again - they reminded him that he is worthy of it. everything came from their heart. Life does not end in death - it takes time to remind oneself of that, but once you accept that - then you remember the beauty of the love that you shared and how it would feel for them to know that you still wanted to live. 🤍🤍
The writing was as expressive as ever; whether he was hurting or being snarky, Kevin's voice remained true to himself - honest to a fault in all his reactions. He prides himself on that, and I'm glad he did not lose that part of himself. The narrative tone did shift with a lot of telling rather than showing, which certainly didn't make Kevin any less of an engaging protagonist, but it did earn a significantly noticeable dip in the writing quality. 😕 But, what I walked away from Kevin's growth is how he accepted that he can learn to love again. It is a healing process where the love he had for Francesco will never die and that doesn't mean he has to die with him. ❤️🩹❤️🩹'But you’re terrified of them peering into your soul, seeing the man behind the façade. Thus you conceal your eyes, the mirrors to your soul.' And there is a kindness to him that still exists - it was so prevalent when he cared for Live Eddie - silently enduring the hurls of bitter rage and resentment when he comforted Dave, knowing that he wasn't the one to ease the pangs of loneliness - when he lightly teased Pete for his attraction to him, feeling that he didn't deserve someone so pure and innocent as him. For he is so kind - he has always been kind - and when that crushing reveal of that bitter truth takes place - it was so unexpected - my eyes widened in shock... But it is such a tragic if not fitting response to why Francesco's death weighs so heavily on his heart. 😞
“Kevin, you’re not defeated. You lost the one person you loved more than anyone else in this world. And some of your very best friends. And it makes sense that you feel like part of you died, too. . . and here we are . . . and it’s a beautiful evening.”
I was actually surprised when I realized that the author had written a sequel to Kevin's story, nearly twenty years after the first book's release. But, after reading the Author's Note, I understood why he was drawn to continue his story now - how the events of COVID reminded him of the harrowing time period for those who were losing their loved ones in the wake of a disease that no one quite knew how to treat. And even so, it never broke their spirits - they never stopped fighting and loving with all their hearts. 'No.” Am I crying? I can’t even tell anymore.' 😢 I don't think that sadness will ever quite go away - every new story about it is another heartbreaking one of the friends and family those who were left behind were unable to save; but they live with the thope that their memory or their love for them will never fade away, even when they find it in their hearts to move on after. 🫂