Never Suck a Dead Man's Hand: Curious Adventures of a CSI

by Dana Kollmann

Step past the flashing lights into the true scene of the crime with this frank, unflinching, and unforgettable account of life as a crime scene investigator. Whether explaining rigor mortis or the art of fingerprinting a stiff corpse on the side of the road, Dana Kollmann details her true, unvarnished experiences as a CSI for the Baltimore County Police Department.

Unlike the popular crime dramas proliferating on today's television networks, these forensic tales forgo glitz for grit to show what really goes on. Kollmann recounts stories that the cops and the CSI's usually leave in the field, bringing the sights, smells and sounds of a crime scene alive as never before.

Unveiling the process and science of crime scene investigation in all its can't-tear-your-eyes-away fascination, Never Suck a Dead Man's Hand takes you into the strange world behind the yellow tape, offering a truly eye-opening perspective on the day-to-day life of a CSI.

Genres: Nonfiction, Audiobook, Crime, The United States Of America, Memoir

272 pages, Paperback

Published May 25, 2021

About the author

Dana Kollmann examines ancient skulls on the weekends, teaches anthropology during the week, and her four young children can sum up their mother's passion in three words: "Mama studies bones."

She has had a dead man's finger in her mouth. She also has been covered in bugs. She interviewed a pig and a man who carried on extensive conversations with his imaginary wife. Kollmann spent 10 years as a crime-scene investigator in Baltimore County, and her debut book, Never Suck a Dead Man's Hand: Curious Adventures of a CSI, recounts these and other strange and occasionally harrowing situations that accompany the job.

- excerpted from Baltimore Sun and Baltimore City Paper

Reviews

[Montzalee Wittmann · Rating 5 out of 5]

Never Suck a Dead Man's Hand
Curious Adventures of a CSI
by Dana Kollmann
Narrated by Kate Zane

I want to thank the publisher and NetGalley for letting me listen to this terrific book! I found it fascinating and informative. My job as a nurse was quite incredibly but she has me beat! I never had a dead man's hand in my mouth! Yuck!

This book is filled with interesting stories of how she got to be in this position of a civil CSI without having to be a police officer first and the problems she had to endure from the police because of it. She was considered a scab and treated pretty poorly from many cops.

She tells about some of her early cases, how her family felt about her job, her memorable dog cases, and others. She really had to have a strong stomach!

I found it so gross but interesting at the same time! Definitely a different kind of book! But I like different! Narration was terrific too!

[Audrey · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was expecting more hard science here, like the fornensics of detective work, but it’s really a memoir of a CSI. Each chapter covers a topic, like animals and graves, and goes over the author’s craziest cases. It was a fascinating read—gross but fascinating. I’ve always wondered if I could do a job like that. I’ve concluded that I couldn’t deal with bugs and stupid living people.



I’ve talked to CSI people, so I already knew what serology is, what Locard’s Theory is, and what the CSI Effect is. That was helpful. Every jurisdiction is different with different laws and procedures. In Mrs. Kollmann’s case, the police department was quite hostile to the CSIs as they were perceived as stealing police jobs. This even caused criminal cases to be compromised. I mean, wow.

Mrs. Kollmann’s description of football was something I could have written myself. (See below.) I feel like I found a kindred spirit now.

There are so many typos in this book: lots of spelling errors as well as missing words and repeated words. Acknowledgments implies that the book was edited, but I am not believing it.



===
Bad things happen to all kinds of people—young and old, rich and poor, black and white, skinny and fat, short and tall, smart and dumb, and crazy and sane. It doesn’t matter who you are, where you live, or what you do, you’re not immune from having a bad day and being visited by Crime Lab. However, a lack of common sense and victimization really seem to go hand in hand for a lot of people. That is not to say that there aren’t plenty of truly innocent victims out there. Of course there are. But when you hack a ride with a complete stranger, decide to smoke crack in the woods with your cousin’s sister’s best friend’s boyfriend’s neighbor whom you have never met before, invite complete strangers into your living room to make a drug transaction, or show up banging on the apartment door of the girl who’s been humping your man—how can you not expect something bad to happen? If more people exercised just a little bit of common sense, the number of Crime Lab calls for service would most definitely be reduced.

And along came Tom Matte. I never heard of him because I hate football. … I don’t even know how you play football and I don’t want to learn. … Maybe I’d be more enthused if I knew what the hell a running back was and what it meant to rush. I thought rushing was when girls tried to get into sororities. … I ignored the officer’s gestures to shut up. … I turned to the big man and my lips just started moving before my brain was even involved. “I don’t get why people enjoy watching a bunch of big, fat, dumb guys jump on each other.” The officer buried his face in his hands. It was over. I had called Tom Matte a big, fat, dumb guy who liked to jump on other men.

Dealing with the dark side of life, day in and day out, made me into a completely different person—a person I wasn’t quite sure what to think of. I liked the self-confidence I had come to acquire and I was a good investigator—and I am not embarrassed to say that. But what I didn’t like were the preconceived ideas I had begun to formulate about people I had never even met. … The thing that bothered me the most was that I had really started to lose touch with feelings of sympathy and even empathy. I don’t think it is healthy to live in a world where you are forced to dull the sensations of the most basic human emotions.
===
Language: Occasional moderate language
Sexual Content: Descriptions of death by autoerotic asphyxiation
Violence/Gore: Some detailed descriptions of dead bodies and body parts
Harm to Animals: Roadkill is buried in the yard. Dogs injured by criminals. Bugs killed.
Harm to Children: Children find the body of a parent dead by suicide. A child is victimized by robbery.
Other (Triggers): Decomposing bodies infested with bugs; suicides by various methods, car accidents; hostile work environment; houses filled with poo, cockroaches, and other filth; stupid and morbidly obese people described in unflattering terms

[Valerity (Val) · Rating 3 out of 5]

I just finished listening to this book on audio. I enjoyed the narrator's efforts at making and keeping it interesting, and her pleasant reading voice. It covers different cases that the author was involved in while working as a CSI, her greatest wish in life achieved. Seems she always wanted to do something along these lines, and had an essential talent for it. Some of the cases are gross, which is to be expected. My thanks to Netgalley, author Dana Kollmann, and the editor.

[Chelsea · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book had some really interesting points and could have been great. Unfortunately, the author is an insufferabley judgmental and awful person. She tries using the excuse that she uses humor to detach herself from terrible situations, but that only goes so far. And there's a difference between using dark humor when dealing with dead bodies and making fun of people for being poor, uneducated, or mentally ill.

[Clued-in With A Book (Elvina Ulrich) · Rating 4 out of 5]

"Death sneaks up on you the way a windshield sneaks up on a bug." - Anonymous

A book with a title like this definitely grabbed my attention! In this book, Dana Kollmann shares her experiences and fascinating stories working as a crime scene investigator for the Baltimore County Police Department for over ten years. And yes, these stories are not for the faint of heart. They were gross, bizarre and even the title of the book came from one of the author's experience working as crime scene investigator.

I thoroughly enjoyed this book! It was highly entertaining and educational. I've read quite a few of forensic books and this one is definitely one of the best. I liked the writing style. It was humorous and witty - similar to Stiff by Mary Roach. But to be honest there were certain words that the author used which some may find offensive and insensitive.

Without going into details, I'd have to say that the things a CSI go through and see is nothing like the Hollywood version of CSI. That is why ever since I've read my first forensic book, I can never watch any tv shows about CSI anymore!

I listened to the audiobook and the narrator Kate Zane is one heck of an incredible narrator! She did an amazing job using different voices and intonation. It was a great audiobook!

In a nutshell, this was an intriguing and insightful book about the CSI profession and if forensic is your thing, give this a read!

Pub. Date: May 25th, 2021

***Thank you Tantor Audio, author Dana Kollmann and NetGalley for gifted listening copy.***

[Erin Cook · Rating 5 out of 5]

What an experience this book was!! First off, this book is absolutely not for everyone. If you’re easily offended or squeamish, you won’t care for the author’s humor or graphic descriptions of scenes and cases she was involved with throughout her career. If you’re anything like me and thoroughly enjoy all things morbid and true crime, this book is for you. The author offers great insight into the REAL life of a CSI - a far departure from what we watch on the movie and television screens. Towards the end of the book, Ms Kollmann includes a few paragraphs about how the job changed her as a human. As someone who works in a similar (albeit far less icky) environment, those paragraphs spoke to me at a base level.

[Christin · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF, just couldn't get into it. Author's tone was very severe.

[Megan ♡ · Rating 3 out of 5]

informative and funny. the author definitely has a way with words... parts were really gross.

[Taylor Grimm · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have been a CSI now for almost a year and even though the author started her career when they were still using film and handwriting reports, I was able to relate to 90% of the things in this book. It makes me sad reading some of the negative reviews. The author is not rude or mean or any of the negative things said about her. She is actually very normal in this line of work. It was very comforting with how much I related to her words. The fact of the matter is, is that unless you have done this job….you truly will never know what it’s like. It’s mentally and physically draining at times. The dark humor comes with the territory. You are very naive to think that people that have jobs dealing with tragedy don’t have their own take on dark humor. If everyone broke down in tears going to the calls we go to then nobody would be able to do this thankless job. It’s a job that has to be done so just let us weirdos do our thing.

[Hope · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book!!!! was so much fun to listen to. So irreverent, so gross, yet soooo intriguing. If you're easily offended or have a sensitive tummy (you hurl the cookies at the slightest gross scenes) then please dont come telling me about it if you read this LOL! Author Dana Kollman takes us along on her crime lab calls and puts us on the scene of some gross and HILARIOUS dead people scenes. Oh yeah, if you a sensitive about the dead or crime scenes, you are forewarned!! She adopts the attitudes of some of the most seasoned police and csi units. By that I mean, again if you are easily offended by the author's sarcastic comments calling people drunks and/or fat - she definitely has some OPINIONS about the people she's encountered. If you can take it for the sarcasm it is, please do, but you can tell this was not written in this decade. Its being revamped on audio this year but was written in 2007. (insert warning for problematic sarcasm-i lived thru the 70s so that shit doesnt phase me lol) !
She was working with the police but was a civilian forensic investigator - I never knew you could be a "civilian csi" but apparently in some states you can be. This book is fantastic on audio I enjoyed it so much, even when it had me squirming with the squeamish stories of bugs, the smells and sights of a #decomp (code word for decomposition, as it long dead and bloated blech!!) and of course the story of how she sucked a dead man's man (involuntarily)!!!!
Read by #katezane and written by #danakollmann - if you love getting behind the scenes at a murder and the gross & bizarre people and scenarios the crime unit sees, check this book out immediately! Many thanks to @tantoraudio & @netgalley for providing this to me for review! 4 1/2 stars for an engaging listen for those of us who are fascinated by #csi and #deadpeople. lol loved it!!

[Victoria Pring · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book and found it hillarios. Many people have had to tolerate me telling them stories from this book. I especially get a kick out of describing the reason behind the title. If you are squeamish this book is not for you, if you have a dark sense of humor and can deal with talk of ||death, bodies and everything they can produce|| then you will probhably enjoy this book. I like the way the author was honest about how awful it could be at times but also explained the good parts of the job. I expect I will read this again at some point.

[Kelly · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to NetGalley and Tantor Audio for providing me with a copy of this audioARC in exchange for an honest review.

Kollman is a former CSI and in this book she tells us of some of her more memorable cases, including the one alluded to in the title. She pulls no punches - this book is a complete gross out, and Kollman is not PC when talking of some of the people she has encountered. She does go some way to explaining this towards the end of the book, saying that one of the reasons she left was because of how she was perceiving and reacting to the people left on scene (some of whom were experiencing some pretty awful things). It does, however, make for uncomfortable reading at times.

That aside, the stories themselves are very interesting. Rather than a straight dissemination of facts, we get to hear things from the author’s point of view - how she felt, how she reacted - and it’s interesting to see how things have changed (and changed further still since the book was first released in 2007!).

Kate Zane was a great narrator. She had some really impressive voices for the different people encountered, and her no nonsense style of delivery made me genuinely feel like I was listening to the author!

Definitely a book worth reading for anybody interesting in becoming a CSI or for anyone who wants to know what a CSI really does.

[Sarah O'Riordan | travelseatsreads · Rating 4 out of 5]

I requested this book and then read the reviews and immediately regretted requesting it because the reviews were so bad. I started listening with extreme trepidation and then loved every second of it!

This book is not for the faint hearted or easily offended and to be fair look at the title, I think that's pretty obvious. Dana has the definition of "gallows humour" and nothing is off limits. A lot of people seem to have found this offensive but with a job like hers, it's a necessity.

Brimming with lots of dark and twisted tales of the cases she has encountered this is guaranteed to shock and entertain you.

I listened to the audiobook and found the narrator great, she kept me interested throughout. Having read the reviews I realised that the physical book has photos so that is an element I missed out on.

[Marina · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don't understand the negative reviews. I found it very interesting and realistic insight into how LEOs treat civilian CSI staff and the importance work CSIs HAVE TO DO.

Apparently, those who think the author is biased have never lived or interacted with part of society that she encountered while being a CSI.

PEOPLE are the worst to other people, ESPECIALLY if they deem them, too poor, too mentally ill, and/or beneath their "acceptable" level of (fill in the blank). That is why they look down their noses at immigrants, janitors, sanitation workers, etc.

The author and people who witness or interact with the victims of other's cruelty or crimes develop a grime twisted sense of humor to deal with horrors of their jobs.

[Thieving Magpie · Rating 5 out of 5]

You know, if you name a book "Never suck a dead man's hand" - that should tell you all you need to know about it. The title itself promises you a lot of dark humour - gallows humour I suspect, but I am pretty sure you can only do a job like this if you do it with some humour. I loved this book, because I enjoy this kind of humour. The dark and macabre is my thing and I more or less live off true crime stories. So this? This was screaming my name and I was not disappointed. I will read more of this series and this author, I've licked blood now!

I received a free ARC by Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.

[Leandra von Allemann · Rating 1 out of 5]

DNF - recently started this audiobook but could not stomach it. I don’t know if the narrator tried to make the author sound more arrogant than she already was or if that’s just how she chose to narrate the book but holy smokes that was terrible. Also, the author needs some serious humble juice cause geez how can someone be that arrogant and cruel and just downright mean??! Really wanted to finish it to hear all the crazy stories but the more I listened the angrier I got. Way too many unnecessary details. One star ONLY because of the stories she told.

[Debbie Petersen Wolven · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5

I understand that someone in that kind of job develops a type of gallows humor, but she was so condescending and disrespectful. She would refer to certain areas of town with an elitist outlook-- like of course these things happen in "those" neighborhoods. She referred to an alcoholic woman as a thing and monster, for instance. There was a complete lack of compassion and humanity towards these people who were experiencing trauma and death. She didn't show respect to the dead either. Her detailed accounts of every smell and sight was pretty gross.

[Tabatha_Reads_Books · Rating 3 out of 5]

I am a professional CSI, so a lot of this book I was able to commiserate or laugh with. There were definitely moments that were gross or funny, and overall the book wasn’t bad. I did not like that the author started the book making the career sound like it was something she had to escape from, when in my perspective, this is one of the best jobs in the world. I also didn’t like how she talked about people, and I feel like outsiders that read this book may view us as unprofessional and callous.

[sequoia spirit · Rating 1 out of 5]

i am giving it one star because i enjoy reading this genre of book.. the more the author talked, the more i disliked her.. she comes across pompous & entitled.. and she doesn't try to cover up her condensation towards those she was there to HELP.. it goes as far as to feel contempt for those that are in need.. holding judgements of those that are obese, poor, uneducated & simple.. and really? her stories weren't even that interesting..

[Brooke · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars this book as an excellent insight into the life of a woman CSI. The author has a great sense of humor and I couldn’t help but laugh through the chapter where she talks about how many people poop during a robbery/crime scene and CSI has to go investigate the turds. They seem to have left that part of the job out of Law and Order CSI. 😂 great read for anyone whose into true crime.

[Jennifer · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not exactly what I expected, but it does contain some casework. However, I could not warm up to the writing style. A lot of her memoir takes place with poor folk, ugly folk, hairy folk, smelly folk...and she delights in pointing them all out. Her 'sense of humor' left me cold.

[Kimberlee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I don’t understand the poor reviews..I really loved this book and thought it was funny and gave a real inside look into being a CSI..

[MORTICA B · Rating 4 out of 5]

So interesting

[Bradley · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting book about the gritty details of CSI. The author describes some of the cases she was involved with. She describes how the job is not the glamorous job shown on TV.

[Pamela Tracy · Rating 3 out of 5]

Good

[Heather C Gibbs · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 stars ⭐️ Listened to a free copy on Audible 🎧
Both fascinating and totally gross in equal measure!

[Kayleigh Leavis · Rating 3 out of 5]

Audio book

[Jamie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good in content, but the author’s ego is quite a boon to endure with the quality of content. She’s downright offensive a handful of times.

[Hilary Cockshaw · Rating 4 out of 5]

Audiobook

[Glenn Hammer · Rating 4 out of 5]

Pretty good. It had some funny stories. Good read if you are interested in the field