Lost Cat

by Mary Gaitskill

‘Last year I lost my cat Gattino. He was very young, at seven months barely an adolescent. He is probably dead but I don’t know for certain.’

So begins Mary Gaitskill’s stunning book-length essay, the closest thing she has written to a memoir. Lost Cat begins with the story of how Gaitskill rescued a stray cat in Italy and brought him to live with her in the US, where he went missing.

As she explores the unexpected trauma of her loss, Gaitskill describes how she came to foster two siblings, Caesar and Natalia, a pair of inner-city children who spent summers and holidays with Gaitskill and her husband. The joys and ultimate difficulties of this relationship leads to a searing examination of loss, love, safety and fear. Gaitskill applies her razor-sharp writing to her most personal subjects yet.

Genres: Nonfiction, Memoir, Essays, Animals, Grief, Cats, Biography

120 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2014

About the author

Mary Gaitskill is an American author of essays, short stories and novels. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker, Harper's Magazine, Esquire, The Best American Short Stories (1993 and 2006), and The O. Henry Prize Stories (1998). She married writer Peter Trachtenberg in 2001. As of 2005, she lived in New York City; Gaitskill has previously lived in Toronto, San Francisco, and Marin County, CA, as well as attending the University of Michigan where she earned her B.A. and won a Hopwood Award. Gaitskill has recounted (in her essay "Revelation") becoming a born-again Christian at age 21 but lapsing after six months.

Reviews

[Dolors · Rating 4 out of 5]

A maimed, stray cat, unlikely to survive, is given a second chance in the hands of Mary Gaitskill who adopts him in Italy and brings him back home in the US.
And then he gets lost.
His disappearance unravels Gaitskill’s meditations on very intimate issues like her relationship with her sister and complicated father, and also with her two foster kids, Caesar and Natalia.
Nothing is withheld and Gaitskill opens up to the perplexed reader, examining love, loss and the complexity of relationships with elegance and heart.
An intimate memoir that left me without breath several times in barely a hundred pages of written confession. Delicate, powerful and reflexive essay.

[W.D. Clarke · Rating 5 out of 5]

This world is the only reality available to us, and if we do not love it in all its terror, we are sure to end up loving the ‘imaginary’, our own dreams and self-deceits, the utopias of politicians, or the futile promises of future reward and consolation which the misled blasphemously call ‘religion’. (Leslie Fiedler, on Simone Weil)

I was easy prey for this lost cat.

Childhood pets aside, since the age of 20 I have lived with, loved, and lost 6 dogs and 5 cats—so far—not yet enough, I guess, for one adult lifetime. And sentimental , as Mary Gaitskill reminds us, is but a pair of measly letters overmuched past sentiment...

My GR Friends, I know that many of you have led a lovelife of similar trajectory, and that you, too, may also have lost a parent, sibling, or partner. And know that in your secret heart of hearts that such losses are often, or at least sometimes, [whispers nervously] strangely commensurable.

Or, as Mary Gaitskill illustrates so deftly in this short book, though they may not exactly be commensurable, they can be experienced as such. Also, as Gaitskill herself puts it:

Human love is grossly flawed, and even when it isn’t, people routinely misunderstand it, reject it, use it or manipulate it. It is hard to protect a person you love from pain, because people often choose pain [...] Who decides which relationships are appropriate and which are not? Which deaths are tragic and which are not? Who decides what is big and what is little? Is it a matter of numbers or physical mass or intelligence? If you are a little creature or a little person dying alone and in pain, you may not remember or know that you are little. If you are in enough pain, you may not remember who or what you are; you may know only your suffering, which is immense. Who decides? What decides – common sense? Can common sense dictate such things? Common sense is an excellent guide to social structures – but does it ever have anything to do with who or what moves you?

Gaitskill doesn't spend much time in this somewhat abstract, impersonal mode: this is a memoir after all, but still she does answer her own question—in a way, the only way a human can, by relating the particularities of her own experience, specifically of how she (and, to a certain extent, her husband) fell for, loved, and lost a scrawny, sick Italian kitten and two underprivileged immigrant kids from New York via El Salvador—plus Gaitskill's troubled, wounded, sensitive, neurotic father.

None of these experiences does Gaitskill pretend to understand. Rather, she does claim that the loss of an animal can be a door through which our hearts might enter, so as to encounter, even explore those other, human losses, which otherwise may elude us, whether due to their complexity, intransigence, or the sheer brute force of their pain can sometimes bring, forcing us to protect ourselves from abysms what we'll never fathom, much less map.

I heard a story on the radio about Blackwater contractors shooting into a crowd of Iraqi civilians. They killed a young man, a medical student, who had gotten out of his car. When his mother leapt from the car to hold his body, they killed her. We all hear stories like this every day, and I realise they are terrible stories. But I don’t feel anything about them, not really. When I heard this one, my heart felt so torn open, I had to pull off the road until I could get control of my emotions.

It was the loss of the cat that had made this happen; his very smallness and lack of objective consequence had made the tearing open possible. I don’t know why this should be true. But I am sure it is.
[...]
When my fatherwas dying, I asked him something. I did not really ask him; I don’t think he was conscious, and I whispered the question rather than spoke it. But nonetheless it was a serious question. ‘Daddy,’ I said, ‘tell me what you suffered. Tell me what it was like for you.’ I could never have asked him this earlier in life. But I believed that on the verge of death he could ‘hear’ my whispered words. And slowly, over a period of time, I believe I have been answered, at least in part. I felt that I was hearing part of the answer while I was out looking for my cat, when it was so cold and so late that no one else was around. It occurred to me then that the loss of the cat was, in fact, a merciful way for me to have my question answered.

Gaitskill is not afraid to show her vulnerable, even truly weird side here (e.g. she wearily side-eyes—but also shows compassion for—herself for paying visits numerous psychics, for imagining that she can hear her lost cat "speak" to her from "out there", for how she treats those kids, her husband, her dead father...)

But we're all complicated, oddball so-and-sos like that, and in detailing all this Gaitskill is definitely in her wheelhouse, as she'll never say a thing without pausing, taking a few paces back, and looking at it all from at least several perspectives.

Cos we're not dogs and cats. Our love is seldom so pure. And our big brains usually fly us well away from, rather than to, the heart of the heart of the matter. Thank God we have someone like Mary Gaitskill, who has the writerly chops, the patience and persistence to allow our imaginations to combat the illusory "imaginary" instead. Through hers, of course, and what a fine one it is.


(Btw this memoir features occurs in the essay collection Somebody with a Little Hammer: Essays, but upon starting it I immediately knew that I would want to write briefly about it on its own, so I got the ebook for it, too.)

[Chris · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow, what a wonderful little memoir/essay about love and loss!

[Claire · Rating 4 out of 5]

a small book but strong & full of meaning like Gattino, it made me think differently about love (why do we love something so much that others see as insignificant?) and coping with loss. Missing pets make my heart feel open & raw

[chthonicbambi · Rating 4 out of 5]

A quietly brilliant meditation on loss, grief, and the complexities of human love. Gaitskill utilizes the fruitless search for her lost cat Gattino to examine other aspects of her life such as the relationship with her father as well as her two foster children. What particularly struck me about the book was how she shows that a loss of an animal, although seemingly too minor to be considered a tragedy, can allow us to better process greater, or rather more complex pain, that arises from familial loss. In other words, the loss of her cat allowed her to process the grief for her father and for the two foster children whom she feels the love she tried to give them was not the right kind. This idea was best encapsulated in the following quote:

Human love is grossly flawed, and even when it isn’t, people routinely misunderstand it, reject it, use it or manipulate it. It is hard to protect a person you love from pain, because people often choose pain; I am a person who often chooses pain. An animal will never choose pain; an animal can receive love far more easily than even a very young human.

The only thing that bothered me was her use of ableist language but it was a beautifully raw work of autofiction nonetheless.

[Joachim Stoop · Rating 3 out of 5]

Oké, as long as there are no festivities, dinners with friends, lively cities outside to compensate miserable books, I'm staying far away from dead children, violent divorces, serial killers, alcoholic mothers (Shuggie Bain) and lost cats...

If you're reading this: please recommend the most funny, witty, playfull, distracting, feel good novel you've ever read

[Eilidh Willis · Rating 5 out of 5]

A memoir which astutely explores the psychology behind the crazy cat lady. Gaitskill lays bare the difficulties of loving and being loved by people as opposed to the simplicity of loving her cat Gattino.

[Cátia Vieira · Rating 5 out of 5]

THIS BOOK BROKE ME

[Jade · Rating 1 out of 5]

Having recently lost my rescue own cat to cancer and kidney failure, I thought this book would be beautifully poignant to read.

It was not.

It lacks depth, emotion, connection, or cohesion.

I know its a memoir but her writing bounces around, no chapters, no clear vision, just her thoughts on paper.

Of her 3 stories that intertwine, Gattino the cat really resonated to a certain extent (the rescue and do anything to provide a better life for him part). Her leaving him outside with her other cats in their garden however while she "went to the city" nope - careless.

Her relationship with her "foster" children and motives to help them I found uneasy for some reason (it was like she wanted to do something for them but actually nothing that they needed).

Her relationship with her father a cliche of every family movie ever.

I thought this book would be a well written memoir of experience of love, loss and clarity.

Disappointed.

[Bethany Cattell · Rating 3 out of 5]

Lost a star for some really ableist language; please, publishers, do better.

[bweadbun · Rating 4 out of 5]

still stuck on the husband wanting to name the cat McFate

[Sky • aquariusannotations · Rating 5 out of 5]

As a devoted cat lady with seven of my own, I should have known better than to pick up a book with this title, but I’m so glad I did even though many tears were shed.

In just 89 pages, Mary Gaitskill recounts the story of Gattino, a sick, half-blind stray she found in Italy and brought back to the U.S. When he suddenly vanishes from their yard, her grief unfolds into a much broader meditation on love, loss, and the complications of human connection. She weaves in memories of her childhood, her relationship with her father, and her time fostering two siblings, layering personal history over the simple, heartbreaking story of a lost kitten.

It’s amazing how much this slim book contains. Gaitskill explores how our attachments to animals can illuminate the complexities of our relationships with people.

"If gentleness can be brutish, cruelty can sometimes be so closely wound in with sensitivity and gentleness that it is hard to know which is what. Animals are not capable of this. That is why it is so much easier to love an animal.”

I like to imagine that Gaitskill chose Gattino’s photo for the cover as a way of keeping him alive in readers’ minds. Whether that’s true or not, it feels fitting. And maybe that’s the quiet gift of Lost Cat: it leaves you holding onto the possibility that love, once given, never quite disappears.

If you love animals, memoirs that dig deep in very few pages, or books that make you stop and feel, Lost Cat is absolutely worth picking up.

[Gabrielle Cunha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Um ensaio curtinho mas precioso! Sobre gato mas muito mais sobre amor ❤️‍🩹

[Nisha Joshi (swamped, will review whenever possible) · Rating 2 out of 5]

You can read this novella for free at https://granta.com/lost-cat/

We lost our cat a couple of years ago and I count it among my saddest times in life. When I came across this novella/essay, I thought I would resonate with it and could, perhaps, remember the time I spent with our cat with fondness. At least, that's what the blurb promised.

The blurb lied. This novella is less of a memoir about a lost cat and more about some random ramblings of the author in which there is a cat, for some part.

The author came across as cold and uncaring. Why else would you leave a nearly blind cat at a vet facility that had mixed animal cages (a vicious dog was kept next to the weak kitten) and then go travelling? Surely, the better solution would be either to take the kitten with you or stay there and pay daily visits? Would you do the same if it were a human child?

But the author's love didn't seem to extend to humans, either. Her own father, she neglected, choosing to call him once in a while because he was "difficult." Her sister, chronically ill, is struggling with moral dilemmas to put her cat down. Instead of offering support, the author chooses to shame her and asks her to "grow up."

The third story is of fostering underprivileged children and this thread made me angry the most. The amount of white saviour complex this author has was unbelievable. Even though she acknowledges her helplessness in the story, she does not have the self-awareness that what she has to offer is a little too less, a little too late.

No, leaving your cats in the yard while you go to the city for a couple of hours is not cool. Whatever your cat may or may not have done up until that point, it is really irresponsible to leave them in an open yard. And I would have excused this behaviour if it were your first cat. I cannot excuse it when you are an experienced cat parent.

The author goes into some crazy cat-psychic stuff. I know some people believe in it and I respect that. When the author began going to psychics, I started to applaud her for her drive. But she almost immediately spoiled it by criticizing psychics and calling them all but fakes. Why go then? And then she herself has some "psychic" thoughts of the cat saying "I'm cold" and "Goodbye?" Am I supposed to believe this?

All in all, a total disappointment.

1.5 stars.

[e · Rating 2 out of 5]

i feel that i am the target audience for this type of book. a memoir abt the loss of a beloved pet and weaving that with snippets of love and loss and grief, less than ideal relationships with family? right up my alley. but, i cant say that i thoroughly enjoyed this book. it couldve been an uncomfortable but good read, but this was not that.

i can fully recognize that the point of this book was to reckon with the flawed ways of love, but it just feels so bad for it to be at the expense of real children. and i know, perhaps she was only able to acknowledge her wrongdoings after time had passed, but STILL

this was an uncomfortable read bc i did not like the author. imo, she is a deeply flawed, immature, and emotionally stunted individual, but she is able to recognize this abt herself and reflects on her questionable actions. (this is not a crime bc i too can be all of those things, but her lack of empathy for the people in her life, namely the CHILDREN, reeeeaaaaaaally irked me. but like she says, #hurtpplhurtppl) im trying hard to divorce my deep dislike of her actions with the thoughtful reflections she had about the loss of her cat and her intense relationship with her father and those children. perhaps it does take the loss of your young cat to reflect on love, loss, grief, life. not to be mean but this feels very white woman coded, so i just cannot relate. i can see it to be true for others, but just not me. i tried hard to divorce it, but i couldnt.

those children did not deserve to hear the weird ass things she and her husband said. so justice for them

[Jaden Poindexter · Rating 4 out of 5]

I did not expect this book to resonate with me as much as it did. This book is about a lost cat, sure, but it is so much more than that. Lost Cat is less than 100 pgs long, but there is so much written in between the lines. I wish it was 200 pages longer. A true work of art, this book explores the loss of pets and loved ones; it depicts a certain type of dynamic family trauma that haunts you beyond the grave; details her experiences with orphaned children, the troubled, and the disadvantaged, and it is all around a metaphor for love. Gaitskill is so raw and emotional in this one. Her writing feels more like a journal entry than a novel written for a publisher (in the best way). Seemingly, she writes as her thoughts and emotions come, yet everything is connected together so beautifully. Lost Cat is poetic, self-reflective, and heartbreaking. This book is very little, but it has a big place in my heart.

[Apurva Vurity · Rating 1 out of 5]

I thought Mary's writing of her experiences of losing her sick, rescue kitten will touch me, make me feel heard since I experienced something I consider similar, but instead, it made me feel supremely uncomfortable with the saviour complex she unleashed in her book. Apparently there was some program by an organisation called 'Fresh Air Fund' where black children would come live in white neighborhoods with white 'foster parents' for brief periods of time and get exposure to the 'aspirational world'. My god! I cringed quite hard at the program first of all, but cringed more at how she built a very sorry picture of herself for "being too attached" to these kids (all below the age of 10 at that time). An uncomfortable read at best, and not for the right reasons.

[Jules · Rating 2 out of 5]

This is one of those books that has a metaphor I’ve totally missed the point of. Didn’t get it at all. Sorry.

[Bia Assad · Rating 1 out of 5]

eu adoro a todavia mas as vezes tem uns livros que eu colocaria numa espécie de fundo do iceberg e esse aqui é um deles

a mulher largando o bicho quando vai viajar
a mulher cagando pro luto da irmã perdendo o gatinho
o rolê de crianças pegarem onibus pra uma familia aleatoria…? “todas as crianças que eu achei que me pertenciam”

só vi uma pessoa bem egoísta e não consegui cair nos clichês de “todo mundo sofre, meu pai, minha irmã e os bichinhos que eu já tive. eu tento ajudar! oras!! pela metade? sem vontade? sim”

cara ela LARGOU um gato numa veterinaria q mistura com cachorros e descreveu o gato assustado sei la vc é doida? podia sei lá, ter trocado de lugar?

a personagem é egoista o suficiente pra somente manter na sua vida quem agrada ela e afaga a carencia. uma hipocrisia, já que ela chamou a irmã de egoísta por não querer fazer eutanásia. 🤨

abandonei a leitura.

[Cam Dixon · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.25!

[Annabel Gunn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Took me an absolute age to read this tiny little book, but it was a really beautiful read, full of metaphors of love and loss.

[katy *ੈ✩‧₊˚ · Rating 5 out of 5]

very glad i bought this book so i can re read at different points in my life

[lv · Rating 1 out of 5]

everyone recommends this book to cat lovers, but fails to mention that she’s comparing rescuing a cat to rescuing foster children? i really could not keep going because this book just REEKED of a white saviour complex.. why is she writing about children like this.. its despicable.. and why is no one mad?? like are we reading the same book?? did you read beyond the cover??

—

“we were aware of the race-class thing. but we thought we could override it. i fantasized about serving them meals, reading to them at night, tucking them in. peter fantasized about sports on the lawn, riding bikes together. you could say we were idealistic. you could say we were stupid. i don’t know what we were.”

i think you know what you are..

[Ruby]

I could not pour my heart into this in a way I would have liked because it would mean I would have to confront what it would feel like to lose my cat and it’s just… incomprehensible. So I read but kept everything at a distance in my mind

[Ricardo Motti · Rating 4 out of 5]

[sobs and looks at the cats worriedly]

[Matt · Rating 5 out of 5]

poignant absurd and real

[tom meadham · Rating 4 out of 5]

mary gaitskill’s musings about love, losing a pet and trying so hard to help someone but inevitably demanding too much and pushing them in a direction they might not want to go, were surprisingly intricate, intimate and interesting. i picked this up as part of a “buy two get one half price” offer as it was the best of the other books in the offer and i really wanted the other book i had chosen. there was something about it that stood out and made me want to read it. there was also something about it that made me read it before I read any of the other new books I bought for summer. maybe it was because it was short, or maybe it was because it had something to do with a cat. or perhaps it was simply that I got completely captivated by gaitskill’s writing and found myself unable to not want to finish it.

at only 89 pages this was a breeze to read and i would really recommend it. also gattino is such a SICK name for a cat.

[Nico]

About a month ago, I lost my own young cat. He was a sick little guy. He died at 4 years old. I read this in hopes of feeling less alone in the guilt of not being able to give him a longer, fuller life. Did it end up more as a “pressing the bruise” kind of situation? Probably. But still. I think this was important for me to read.

We can put so much love into such little creatures; the loss of them can bring such big grief. My heart remains bursted open for the sweet kitties I have known—for my Norman, for Bones— and now for Gattino.

[Raquel · Rating 5 out of 5]

There is so much to unpack here that I still need to reflect on it but can’t simply go without mentioning Mary’s beautiful writing while talking about such heartbreaking, cruel and tragic moments of her and her family’s life.

‘Human love is grossly flawed, and even when it isn't, people routinely misunderstand it, reject it, use it or manipulate it. (…)
An animal will never choose pain; an animal can receive love far more easily than even a very young human. And so I thought it should be possible to shelter a kitten with love.’

[Fanny Willman · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fin, finurlig essä om en bortsprungen katt och mänskliga relationer. Såklart hade jag känt mer om den handlade om en hund istället.