Discernment of Spirits in Marriage: Ignatian Wisdom for Husbands and Wives

by Timothy M. Gallagher

To navigate the inevitable ups and downs of our spiritual lives, countless souls have found comfort and guidance in St. Ignatius of Loyola’s Rules for Discernment. For the past forty years, popular retreat master and author Fr. Timothy Gallagher has been at the forefront of making St. Ignatius’s Rules understandable and applicable to hundreds of thousands of Catholics seeking greater sensitivity to the "movements” of their souls. Now Fr. Gallagher returns with a more focused to help you apply these rules to your role as a husband or a wife. In Discernment of Spirits in Marriage, Fr. Gallagher aims to free you from discouragement and assist you in finding peace in your spiritual life and in your marriage. He will help you determine what is of God and what is not and will show you how the enemy works to discourage you in your daily spousal interactions in order to undermine both your spiritual growth and your marital bond. Best of all, you’ll learn what to do about it! With St. Ignatius and Fr. Gallagher as your guides, you’ll • How to identify and remove spiritually harmful habits • The eleven forms of spiritual desolation — and the four things you must do to combat it • Why God permits spiritual dryness • The easiest way to resist temptation • Your marriage’s most vulnerable place — and how to strengthen it • The four tactics of the enemy — and the grace-filled responses you can offer to each. • The five ways in which God strengthens husbands and wives who seek to grow spiritually

Genres: Marriage, Catholic, Religion, Faith, Spirituality, Nonfiction, Prayer

90 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 3, 2020

Reviews

[Reanne - (Faith, Fiction, Fact and Fluff) · Rating 5 out of 5]

My husband and I both read this book and we found it to be a simple and helpful guide to better understanding discernment and decision making in the spiritual life and in marriage.

This book is based on the fourteen rules that Ignatius wrote in the 17th century. Discernment of Spirits means recognizing the ways that God is at work in our lives, and the ways in which the enemy can attack us. In each chapter, Fr. Timothy Gallagher takes one of the rules and adds a real-life example of how it can be lived out in married life. The stories follow a fictional couple and are practical and very easy to read.

My only critique of this book is that it can seem overly simplified to someone who is looking for something deeply theological. It’s not masterfully written, but it serves as the perfect introduction to what can be a complicated subject.

Most importantly, it helped provide a common language for my husband and I so we can better identify spiritual battles and how to combat them.

[Leslie Moellering · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was a very simplified view of Ignatius' Rules for Discernment but it still gave us things to ponder and talk over as my husband and I read the chapters together.

[Grant Klinefelter · Rating 1 out of 5]

One star. The best part about this book is the conversation it sparked in a coffee shop with a sweet old lady who said, “What are you reading?” I showed her. “Oh, a book on marriage. My husband passed away before the lockdown but we were married for 58 years. You can’t tell me anything from that book I don’t already know.” Skimming the book was worth that interaction. But the book itself? Yeah, not worth the read.

[Veronica Basel · Rating 5 out of 5]

We read this for our married couples Bible study and it was fantastic. It spurred great discussion and contemplation. Would definitely recommend for any married couple within their first 1-5 years of marriage.

The scenarios laid out are clear, relatable and therefore bring about great consideration and conversation about applying it to our lives. Though they could sound a little corny at times, I really do think it was just the right about of surface level + depth to foster simple and relatable scenarios and examples.

[Sheri · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good, but not exactly what I expected. I would only recommend this after you’ve read understand the original Discernment of Spirits.

[Ruth · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm impressed that a book can convey such good information and knowledge through, not poorly written really, but quite awkward dialogue.

[Valerie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a really accessible way to understand the St. Ignatius’s Discernment of Spirits. The couple, Anne and Mark, are a very sanitized couple. LOL. I don’t much relate to them. But the teaching on Discernment of Spirits is really easy to understand in this book. I’ve read several books on Discernment of Spirits and the way this one is written is the easiest to understand. I think anyone could gain greater understanding of the subject through this book.

A few notes:
The enemy will bite, sadden, and place obstacles, disquieting with false reasons any person who is growing spiritually. Be aware of these tactics, name them, and reject them for continued progress in the spiritual life.

The good spirit will give courage and strength, consolations, tears, inspirations, and quiet, easing and taking away all obstacles, so that the person may go forward in doing good.

Consolations are times when our hearts grow warm with a sense of God‘s love and closeness.

Consolation is an uplifting movement of the heart – joy, love, gratitude, hope, peace, and similar stirrings. The heart is inflamed, warmed and enkindled.

Spiritual consolation is an affective language through which God, in his love, speaks to our hearts and sustain us on the way.

Desolation is a heavy movement of the heart – sadness, discouragement, hopelessness, anxiety, and similar stirrings – and Ignatius specifies that this heavy movement of the heart occurs on the spiritual level, on the level of faith and of our relationship with God.

We must recognize and reject spiritual desolation. It matters all the more because the greatest part of the spiritual life occurs on this daily level. The growth or diminishment of our spiritual lives is largely determined by these many, small daily decisions.

Ignatius’s teaching on spiritual desolation, a teaching that equips us to be aware of it, name it, and reject it, is among the greatest gifts he gives us for our daily spiritual lives.

Spiritual consolation is an uplifting movement of the heart. Spiritual desolation is a heavy movement of the heart like sadness, anxiety, and discouragement.

Accept the thoughts that arise in spiritual consolation, and reject the thoughts that arise in spiritual desolation.

We can also see the importance of living the discerning life, of knowing when we are in spiritual consolation or desolation. The meaning of much that stirs within clarifies when we do. Through the discerning life we are set free from harm and set free to grow in the vocation that God has given us.

Rule five: in time of desolation, never make a change. As in consolation, the good spirit guides and counsels us more, so in desolation, the bad spirit. Never change anything in your spiritual life that you had planned before the spiritual desolation began.

Rule five can get you safely through almost any darkness you may encounter in life.

Though we should not make changes during spiritual desolation, we are not to remain passive. We should engage in more prayer, meditation, much examination, and upon extending ourselves in suitable ways of doing penance.

Much examination=two questions, both enormously helpful to ask in times of desolation: what am I feeling and how did this begin? Naming the experience spiritual desolation is liberating. How did this begin? If you can locate the origin of the spiritual desolation, the struggle reduces to manageable size.

Suitable penance: resist the pull to low and earthly things like excessive foods, social media or television.

Examine what you are feeling, and how this began; and stand your ground with small gestures of penitential courage.

God allows spiritual desolation so that we can grow stronger in the spiritual life.

It takes effort to resist the spiritual desolation, and sometimes we struggle for a while. The reason we feel defeated is that we believed a lie. This lie says that we are defeated before we begin, that we are helpless, that we can’t do it. Saint Ignatius reminds us that in times of desolation when we are feeling that we can’t, that in reality we can – we can pray, persevere, make spiritual progress, grow in God’s service – because, even though we don’t feel it in times of desolation, we know with certitude of faith that God always gives us the grace we need to stay firmly on track .

Rule eight: Let one who is in desolation, think that he will soon be consoled. In times of spiritual desolation, think about this truth: my present desolation will not last as long as the enemy wants me to believe.

Spiritual desolation can serve as a wake up call. It can lead us to see and correct where we have become weak. Desolation can help us to grow in humility and help us avoid complacency and self satisfaction in the spiritual life.

Resisting desolation is easier when I know that these times have a meaning, that God permits them for my growth.

God may permit spiritual desolation because we grow spiritually and in key ways when we struggle against it. Through that struggle, we are strengthened, and we progress in the spiritual life.

Spiritual desolation keeps us humble.

In times of spiritual consolation, we should look ahead and prepare for future spiritual desolation.

Remain humble in consolation and trusting in desolation.

The enemy is weak when faced with strength and strong when faced with weakness. If we are strong in resisting the enemy’s temptations, if we stand firm right in the very beginning, the enemy’s weakness is revealed.

Ask for the grace, and make the effort to resist temptations of any kind in the very beginning. Your life will grow easier and you will be spared much suffering.

Rules 5 and 13: do not make changes in the darkness of desolation and speak to a wise and competent spiritual person about the burdens in your heart. These will bring you safely through any darkness you may ever experience in your spiritual life.

Ignatius outlines two profiles of the person with whom one might speak: “one’s good confessor” or “another spiritual person”. What makes this confessor “good” and this person “spiritual” is that they know the enemy’s deceits and malicious designs.

Rule 14: identify your most vulnerable point and use spiritual means to strengthen it.

Become aware: notice the spiritual stirrings in your heart and thoughts.

Understand: distinguish the discouraging lies of the enemy from the encouraging prompting of the good spirit.

Take action: joyfully accept the warm, hope filled prompting of the good spirit, so that you progress solidly toward God, and firmly reject the discouraging lies of the enemy, so that they never harm you.

In short: be aware, understand, take action (accept/reject). This is to live the discerning life.

[Evan H. · Rating 2 out of 5]

In terms of giving a simple, easy to understand definition of Ignatius' 14 rules for Discernment of Spirits, this book is 5 stars. However, the title "in Marriage" is a little misleading. I didn't find that the text gave much insight as to how to apply these rules in marriage or what their fruit might be -- the only insights are gained by inference through Fr. Gallagher's poorly written and incredibly didactic dialogue (which sounds nothing like any married couple I know).

[Delmma Vazquez · Rating 3 out of 5]

Ch1 A Loving Assault on the Heart
First Rule. In persons who are going from mortal sin to
mortal sin, the enemy is ordinarily accustomed to
propose apparent pleasures to them, leading them to
imagine sensual delights and pleasures in order to hold
them more and make them grow in their vices and sins.
In these persons the good spirit uses a contrary method,
stinging and biting their consciences through their
rational power of moral judgment.

Ch2 When you want to grow closer to God:
Second Rule. In persons who are going on intensely
purifying their sins and rising from good to better in the
service of God our Lord, the method is contrary to that in
the first rule. For then it is proper to the evil spirit to
bite, sadden, and place obstacles, disquieting with false
reasons, so that the person may not go forward. And it is
proper to the good spirit to give courage and strength,
consolations, tears, inspirations, and quiet, easing and
taking away all obstacles, so that the person may go
forward in doing good.

Ch3 Grace in a Time of anxiety:
Third Rule. Definition of spiritual consolation.
Consolation is when some interior movement is caused
in the soul, through which the soul comes to be inflamed
with love of its Creator and Lord, and consequently
when it can love no created thing on the face of the earth
in itself, but only in the Creator of them all. Likewise
when it sheds tears that move to love of its Lord,
whether out of sorrow for one’s sins, or for the passion
of Christ our Lord, or because of other things directly
ordered to his service and praise. Finally, consolation is
every increase of hope, faith, and charity, and all interior
joy that calls and attracts to heavenly things and to the
salvation of one’s soul, quieting it and giving it peace in
its Creator and Lord.

Ch4 An evening in Darkness:
Fourth Rule. Definition of spiritual desolation.
Desolation is all the contrary of the third rule, such as
darkness of soul, disturbance in it, movement to low and
earthly things, disquiet from various agitations and
temptations, moving to lack of confidence, without hope,
without love, finding oneself totally slothful, tepid, sad,
and, as if separated from one’s Creator and Lord. For
just as consolation is contrary to desolation, in the same
way the thoughts that come from consolation are
contrary to the thoughts that come from desolation.

Ch5 What you should never do:
Fifth Rule. When in desolation, do not change your
goals or your prayer life.
[If you say the Rosary everyday, keep saying it
everyday no matter how you feel.]

Ch6 Alone in the kitchen:
Sixth Rule. When in desolation, be active and work
against it by doing more prayer, meditation, examination
(of root causes), and penance.

Ch7 The Lie that says "you can't":
Seventh Rule. When in desolation, know that the Lord
is really with you and has given you enough grace to
resist agitations and temptations from the enemy. This is
a test for you. Trust that the Lord is near and has given
you enough grace for eternal salvation. Keep calling out
to Him.

Ch8 When will the darkness pass?:
Eighth Rule. When in desolation, be patient and know
that the Lord will soon console you. Again, keep
working against the desolation as in the sixth rule.

ch9 Why does God permit spiritual desolation?:
Ninth Rule. There are three principal causes for
desolation: (1) you are tepid, slothful, or negligent in
your spiritual exercises (prayer and study); (2) God is
testing you; and/or (3) you need to realize that
consolation is a gift and grace from God and that you did
not achieve it (protects you from pride).

ch 10 Before the struggle begins:
Tenth Rule. When in consolation, strengthen yourself
and think about how you will act when desolation comes
again.

ch11 Finding our balance:
Eleventh Rule. When in consolation, be humble and
thank God for this grace. When in desolation, take
strength in God and know that, again, He has given you
sufficient grace to resist the enemy.

ch12 the easiest way to resist temptation:
Twelfth Rule. The evil spirit is a bully. You must
confront him head on and be firm and oppose him. If
you do not, he will take advantage of your weaknesses
and weaken you further.

ch13 to speak is to defeat the enemy:
Thirteenth Rule. The evil spirit conducts himself as a
false lover in wishing to remain secret and not be
revealed. Reveal secret evil thoughts, temptations, and
problems to a good confessor or to another holy
confidant—those who know how the enemy works.

ch14 the most vulnerable place - and how to strengthen it:
Fourteenth Rule. The evil spirit will attack you in your
weaknesses. Know your weak points and strengthen
them quickly with the Lord. Again, apply the sixth rule.
[Acronym for capital sins: PALE GAS = pride, anger,
lust, envy, gluttony, avarice, sloth.]

[Katy · Rating 4 out of 5]

A simple and good book outlining Ignatius’s discernment of spirits. Fr. Gallagher’s other books may go deeper, but this one is done using a fictional couple and telling their story through their journals and made-up dialogue (sometimes a little stilted), along with Fr. Gallager’s commentary and explanation relating the story to Ignatius’s rules. There was an ease in reading it and thinking about my own life. It would make a good gift to newly married young people, and a nice entrance into Ignatius for anyone who is married and would like to dip their toes. Again, it’s not super heavy, but sometimes that is just what one needs.

[Poco a poco · Rating 5 out of 5]

The fictional married duo coupled with St. Ignatius’s rules was a short read filled with lots of passages that left me pondering for hours and sometimes days at end. Loved how Fr. Timothy used simple but impactful language to put his point across for married couples. Will definitely recommend to hubs!

Cannot wait to get myself a physical copy of this. It totally deserves a place in my spiritual books stack! One for passing down to my kids and to gift my loved ones who will enjoy this subject 🌱

[Reagan Vernon · Rating 3 out of 5]

Father Gallagher conveys the wisdom of Ignatius through extended anecdotes involving a married couple. This book is written as narrative; the story of Mark and Anne pairs a rule of Ignatius with each chapter. Some of the dialogue/narrative is frustratingly corny, but it is because Fr. Gallagher wants to break the rules down into simple terms and articulate their relevance in modern scenarios. Though I was surprised and somewhat dissatisfied with the medium he used, Fr. Gallagher succeeds in demonstrating the value of Ignatian wisdom for husbands and wives in this book.

[Fallon Chiasson · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5

The topic—ignatius’ 14 rules—was new to me. It came to me at the right point in my life and I will always be grateful for it (especially rules 5 and 12).

BUT the stereotypes were cumbersome—the 100% caretaker, gossipy mother; the vacant, porn addicted husband. I got caught up in the unreality of it all and distracted from the message: how to apply the 14 rules to married life. Maybe it is a stereotype to a priest who hasn’t lived a vibrant, Christian marriage?

This book deserves a good skim, but mind the details.

[Holly Walling · Rating 4 out of 5]

Valuable for certain, because it breaks the rules of St. Ignatius into bite sized chunks and makes them applicable to married life. I thought that Fr. Gallagher explained the rules of St. Ignatius briefly and well when he actually dove into it them. Lost a star though because at least half of this book was a fictional dialogue between a husband and wife that didn’t feel realistic to me, and gave me more of a sitcom feel than the “real world example” feel I think it was meant to give. Worth the read, but kind of wish it only had the explanation parts.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book would be really good for anyone who hasn’t ready any of his other writings- a primer of sorts. I read this shortly after reading his original book on the Discernment of Spirits, and it didn’t offer much. I do enjoy that Fr. Gallagher gives tangible and relatable examples and makes Ignatius’ language easy to understand in your day to day life. I only wish I had realized that this wouldn’t be a deeper exploration of the rules in the context of marriage.

[Blair Family · Rating 5 out of 5]

Fantastic and accessible

This book makes Ignatian explanation of the spiritual life accessible to anyone who wishes to pursue it! It is a quick read, very focused, and the narrative of a normal married couple kept me turning pages! I want to buy a hard copy to pass to my friends and children

[Damos · Rating 5 out of 5]

Maintaining a healthy spiritual balance between desolation & consolation thanks to St Ignatius of Loyola. Written with perfect articulation by Fr Timothy Gallagher.

I will copying out the rules both in original language & contemporary & sticking them on my wall for reference.

[Anne · Rating 3 out of 5]

I was expecting this to be more of a manual for discerning together, and it really isn't. It's a great review if the Ignatian principles of discernment within a frame story that follows a married couple, but it doesn't offer practical tips for a discernment process that involves two people.

[Charlie Johnson · Rating 3 out of 5]

This was a good little refresher for me on the rules, with tidy examples for the married life. The fictional dialogue between husband and wife throughout was a bit….distracting. Mainly because I can never imagine a husband and wife speaking to each other in such a way! 😂

[Betsy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish I read this so much sooner!
We are truly blessed to live in the time of Fr. Tim Gallagher! What a gift he's been given by God to modernize St. Ignatius' rules!! ❤️ Everyone really does need this book 📖 married or not ❤️
Praise God for this book

[Me · Rating 5 out of 5]

A good book with real life examples and practical advice for a beginner like me.

[Candice · Rating 4 out of 5]

Although similar to his other book, I enjoyed the practical and real life examples on how the rules can be applied in a marriage.

[Kenny Parnell · Rating 5 out of 5]

Not being Roman Catholic, some of the RC language and phrases can be off-putting, but if you don't let that distract you from the immense wisdom to be found, this is an amazing read!

[Erin · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I found the couple to be a little unrelatable, I appreciated the rule descriptions with real life scenarios.

[Laura Adkins · Rating 3 out of 5]

Encouraging and useful! My husband and I read this together and had good conversations about Ignatius’s rules.

[Olivia J · Rating 3 out of 5]

The book gave a good simplified introduction to the Ignatian rules, but the example couple lacked personality and the advice didn’t seem particularly specific to the context of marriage.

[Hannah Chartier · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5

[Anne Frain · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good stuff - very real!

[Jen · Rating 4 out of 5]

It’s an easy and quick read that is worth your time if you can get past the cheesy dialogue. Even though it’s written with married couples in mind, likely anybody can read it and find it relevant (I actually think an alternative title could be "Discernment of Spirits for Dummies"). If you’re well versed in the Rules of Discernment, though, you might want to pass on this one and stick with Fr. Gallagher’s first book…unless you just really want to see the rules in action in a marriage. I definitely appreciate how it has the potential to make couples realize how we can encourage each other in the spiritual life, which is SO important in marriage. After all, we’re trying to get each other to heaven!