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Love Him, Love His Kids: The Stepmother's Guide to Surviving and Thriving in a Blended Family
He loves her. She loves him. But his kids hate her. Or bait her. Or ignore her altogether.
She's the stepmother, and sometimes she feels as if she's never played a more thankless role. It doesn't have to be that way. With this book, the stepmother will find the advice she needs to win over even the most resistant children. This honest, practical guide written by a therapist and stepmother who's been there shows stepmothers the best ways to handle the most challenging situations, including how With this book, millions of stepmothers find the strategies they need to safeguard their new marriage and establish a happy, peaceful new blended family.
She's the stepmother, and sometimes she feels as if she's never played a more thankless role. It doesn't have to be that way. With this book, the stepmother will find the advice she needs to win over even the most resistant children. This honest, practical guide written by a therapist and stepmother who's been there shows stepmothers the best ways to handle the most challenging situations, including how With this book, millions of stepmothers find the strategies they need to safeguard their new marriage and establish a happy, peaceful new blended family.
- GenresNonfictionParenting
256 pages, Paperback
First published January 1, 2009
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48 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews
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May 25, 2017Okay, completely not a fan of this book. Now, I have to be honest and say I didn't really read it. I more just scanned it. Even the title kind of turned me off. Just because you love someone doesn't mean that you are automatically going to love the people attached to them. Yes, you need to act lovingly towards them. But you won't necessarily love them right off the bat.
But that's not my main beef with this book. It is completely kid-centric. Do whatever you can and need to in order to make the kids' lives easier. They have been through a lot (granted - they have. I was a kid of divorce too) and need understanding and coddling. I just can't buy into that. They do need understanding. But they also need guidance and rules and stability. After all, doesn't the Bible teach that if you love your children you will discipline them? How is this different for your step-kids?
This book is a bit too far off center for me. I believe that the focus needs to be on your marriage - that's why you're there in the first place. And then the kids come after that. Also, in all of that, you need to be careful to not lose yourself.
But that's not my main beef with this book. It is completely kid-centric. Do whatever you can and need to in order to make the kids' lives easier. They have been through a lot (granted - they have. I was a kid of divorce too) and need understanding and coddling. I just can't buy into that. They do need understanding. But they also need guidance and rules and stability. After all, doesn't the Bible teach that if you love your children you will discipline them? How is this different for your step-kids?
This book is a bit too far off center for me. I believe that the focus needs to be on your marriage - that's why you're there in the first place. And then the kids come after that. Also, in all of that, you need to be careful to not lose yourself.
November 19, 2014
My boyfriend (who I intend on marrying) has two children. However, I have little experience with children and am totally not familiar with the "stepfamily" dynamic as my parents are still married. Because this is such foreign territory for me, I've been eating up all the stepparenting books I can find. While this certainly was not one of the best (many of the scenarios in the book do not apply to my particular situation so I skipped over those), it still had some worthwhile information and tips on dealing with stepchildren. This seems to be geared more toward stepmoms of children who live full-time with their father (which is not my situation), so I feel like that's important to mention. But a great section on dealing with the bio mother!
December 27, 2019
This book is fairly short, which is one of its pluses.
Rather than being about step-mothering, it's mainly just a parenting book which touches on the obvious (applies generally to non-step families, too), and there was really nothing I didn't already know or couldn't have thought of myself, like:
- divorce is hard on kids.
- you need to approach your man's kids carefully (don't expect them to jump into your arms at the first meeting).
- you should try to communicate well with the biological mother
- be involved in all aspects of parenting, but there are times when the dad needs to take the lead (e.g. discipline in the early days of your inclusion in the family).
- you'll be driving a lot for kid's sports, after/out of school activities, etc.
- you (and the dad and the bio mum) should work with the school/teachers if there are behavioural problems (physical and verbal violence should never be tolerated).
It seemed to presume that the bio mum, while obviously having some issues with the step mum 'taking her place', would eventually be quite reasonable in working together for the best interests of the children. HA! Obviously these authors don't know how many guys are divorced because their exes are psychos incapable of logical and reasonable action. It read like one of those "ideal" theoretical scenarios you write about in uni papers that get thrown out the window when you start working in real life.
It seemed that everything they wrote about was from the point of view of a 'step mum' coming into the relationship already having children of her own. Most of the examples were also about the dad having teenaged children when you get together. And much of it assumed that the new blended family would also have a child of their own (i.e. hers, his and ours). While it is, of course, almost impossible to write about every single possible combination of what the new family looks like, none of this is relevant to me, so I found I couldn't get much out of it.
While the title should have been a clue, this book is ENTIRELY about the kids. About 1% of it covers your relationship with them and about .05% of it covers how this differs from being a biological mum ("You're not their mum" about does it, which I actually find offensive on behalf of all the amazing adoptive and step-parents. You don't need to have physically given birth to a child to be their "mother"; nor does your child need to share your DNA for you to be their "mother/father". You may not be their "bio mum/bio dad", but you may still be their "mum/dad").
Anyway, as I said in my intro, this book is mostly just about general parenting issues. Don't read this book thinking it's advice about how to make blended families work. What makes any family work is how well the PARENTS work together and how strong their relationship is. So, you want to make a step-family work? Your relationship with your man should be your priority (and he needs to feel this way, too). Parenting and raising great kids stems from that (and this is where this, and other, books come in for guidance regarding the parenting issues of homework, chores, drug use, schooling, etc, etc).
Do I recommend this book? Yes (with a "hmmm" and an equivocating side-to-side head bob indicating 'it depends'):
If you have NO experience with children and don't have a clue what parenting entails**, this book could be a helpful first step for you in dipping your toe into the homework-discipline-behaviour-schooling-hobbies-household chores-etc world of parenting.
If you do have some clue about what it entails, this could help you think about the conversations you and your man need to have as you progress through the relationship (BEFORE you get married!!), but I'm sure there are better books that cover what you need to discuss before committing to being step-mum (I'll try to find them).
**Note that you don't have to actually BE a parent to have experience with children and 'parenting'. You may be a single teacher, have very younger siblings you helped 'raise' as you grew up, have worked as a nanny or a million other scenarios which mean that you, as a single childless female, actually already do know, at least somewhat, what responsibilities you, as an adult, have to the children in your household and what raising them entails.
Rather than being about step-mothering, it's mainly just a parenting book which touches on the obvious (applies generally to non-step families, too), and there was really nothing I didn't already know or couldn't have thought of myself, like:
- divorce is hard on kids.
- you need to approach your man's kids carefully (don't expect them to jump into your arms at the first meeting).
- you should try to communicate well with the biological mother
- be involved in all aspects of parenting, but there are times when the dad needs to take the lead (e.g. discipline in the early days of your inclusion in the family).
- you'll be driving a lot for kid's sports, after/out of school activities, etc.
- you (and the dad and the bio mum) should work with the school/teachers if there are behavioural problems (physical and verbal violence should never be tolerated).
It seemed to presume that the bio mum, while obviously having some issues with the step mum 'taking her place', would eventually be quite reasonable in working together for the best interests of the children. HA! Obviously these authors don't know how many guys are divorced because their exes are psychos incapable of logical and reasonable action. It read like one of those "ideal" theoretical scenarios you write about in uni papers that get thrown out the window when you start working in real life.
It seemed that everything they wrote about was from the point of view of a 'step mum' coming into the relationship already having children of her own. Most of the examples were also about the dad having teenaged children when you get together. And much of it assumed that the new blended family would also have a child of their own (i.e. hers, his and ours). While it is, of course, almost impossible to write about every single possible combination of what the new family looks like, none of this is relevant to me, so I found I couldn't get much out of it.
While the title should have been a clue, this book is ENTIRELY about the kids. About 1% of it covers your relationship with them and about .05% of it covers how this differs from being a biological mum ("You're not their mum" about does it, which I actually find offensive on behalf of all the amazing adoptive and step-parents. You don't need to have physically given birth to a child to be their "mother"; nor does your child need to share your DNA for you to be their "mother/father". You may not be their "bio mum/bio dad", but you may still be their "mum/dad").
Anyway, as I said in my intro, this book is mostly just about general parenting issues. Don't read this book thinking it's advice about how to make blended families work. What makes any family work is how well the PARENTS work together and how strong their relationship is. So, you want to make a step-family work? Your relationship with your man should be your priority (and he needs to feel this way, too). Parenting and raising great kids stems from that (and this is where this, and other, books come in for guidance regarding the parenting issues of homework, chores, drug use, schooling, etc, etc).
Do I recommend this book? Yes (with a "hmmm" and an equivocating side-to-side head bob indicating 'it depends'):
If you have NO experience with children and don't have a clue what parenting entails**, this book could be a helpful first step for you in dipping your toe into the homework-discipline-behaviour-schooling-hobbies-household chores-etc world of parenting.
If you do have some clue about what it entails, this could help you think about the conversations you and your man need to have as you progress through the relationship (BEFORE you get married!!), but I'm sure there are better books that cover what you need to discuss before committing to being step-mum (I'll try to find them).
**Note that you don't have to actually BE a parent to have experience with children and 'parenting'. You may be a single teacher, have very younger siblings you helped 'raise' as you grew up, have worked as a nanny or a million other scenarios which mean that you, as a single childless female, actually already do know, at least somewhat, what responsibilities you, as an adult, have to the children in your household and what raising them entails.
March 31, 2024
This book is more targeted to women already living with/married to a man who has at least partial custody of kids over the age of 4. If this doesn’t apply to you, only about 3 chapters will feel of interest. The book also feels a bit outdated
December 16, 2011
This book was horrible. I've read about half a dozen books about successful step-parenting and this one is the worst. The advice is trite, obvious, and annoying. I'm so glad I checked this out from the library and didn't buy it. Check out "Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Feel, and Act the Way We Do" for a well-written book on the topic.
October 14, 2014
This book had a lot of good reviews on Amazon, so I purchased it with high hopes. It seemed far too general and not a lot of helpful advice to deal with the issues they bring up in the book. I've found the books by Ron L. Deal to be more helpful with a lot of great practical advice (I'm still reading any book I can get my hands on about step-families, though).
July 25, 2013
Good in breadth but not deep enough, as a result seemed very generic and cliche.
November 29, 2014
Very informative
Helped me by answering some questions I had and also confirmed that I have been doing a lot of things right.
Helped me by answering some questions I had and also confirmed that I have been doing a lot of things right.
Displaying 1 - 8 of 8 reviews