Remember Me?: Discovering My Mother as She Lost Her Memory

by Shobna Gulati

Afterword by Alzheimer's Research UK. 'Shobna Gulati is the Northern heroine of a nation' - Lemn Sissay'Lucid and probing' - Guardian'Wonderful and emotional, a masterpiece of resilience.' - Emma Kennedy Remember Me? is a memoir about caring for a parent with dementia and the memories that resurface in the process. In her first book, Shobna Gulati sets out to reclaim her mother's past after her death, and in turn, discovers a huge amount about herself and their relationship. Remember Me? captures the powerful emotions that these memories hold to both Shobna and her mother; secrets they had collectively buried and also the concealment of her mother's condition. What ensues is a story of cultural assimilation, identity and familial shame.

Genres: Nonfiction, Autobiography

258 pages, Kindle Edition

Published September 17, 2020

Reviews

[Sarah ♡ (let’s interact!) · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shobna Gulati is an actress that I am familiar with having watched her portray Sunita Alahan on Coronation Street for many years, and also on Dinnerladies and Doctor Who. I saw her memoir being discussed on Instagram last year and have finally picked up the courage to read it - as I knew it was going to be an emotional read for me.

Remember Me? starts with the history of the Gulati family. It gives an insight into a family who have immigrated from India to the U.K. and covers the social issues and challenges they face (namely racism).
Shobna details how she was always quite a rebellious and sometimes troublesome child/teen/young woman. She seemed to be a fun and free spirit. But some life events grounded her, such as the death of her father before she went to university, a failed marriage to the wrong man for her, and then the birth of her son to another man; which the community around her (and some of her family) shunned her for giving birth out of wedlock. They appeared to be quite traditional in that sense.

When Shobna is around the age of 50, her mother Asha has a myriad of different health issues which culminates in a lot of memory problems, visible cognitive impairment.
Following a vascular dementia diagnosis, Shobna feels responsible to become her mother’s primary carer. Almost to the detriment of her career and her own well-being - travelling from London to her Mother’s in the North on a weekend via a night bus.

This is a moving and powerful memoir about familial love, illness and loss. It is as engaging and page turning as it is heart-wrenching.

I think Dementia and/or Alzheimer’s will affect most of our lives in some way - watching family members suffer with these cruel, horrible diseases is incredibly painful. I have had firsthand experience with this, witnessing older family members go through this turmoil in the past.
Sorry, here’s where I’m getting personal:
Over the past few years, my Mother started showing some early “symptoms”, she’s only in her 50s. Some slight worries regarding her memories and some changes in behaviours too.
After being referred to a neurologist, she was told she has a degeneration on the brain which *could* develop/progress into dementia in the future. Thankfully not yet. I truly hope this will not be the case though.
I really do wish that there will be some medical advancement in the future than can cure, or at least alleviate, the horrible symptoms, and/or completely slow down the progression to a grinding halt.

Side Note: I read the hardback edition, but all the reviews were on the Kindle edition with no option to switch so yeah lol

[Barbara · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like Shobna Gulati, although I know her only as the timid girl in Dinner Ladies. What a great series that was. I'm not a Coronation Street viewer and I don't read the tabloids, so I came to 'Remember Me'?' without preconceived ideas about her or her life.

The book falls into three (maybe more) sections; her childhood (before her father's death), her rather 'wild' years of experimentation, (university, dance, sleeping around, getting married to the wrong guy, having a baby by another, getting thoroughly condemned by her own family in the process) and then 'grown up' Shobna, the carer,

Her relationship with her mother is complex throughout and it's fascinating to see the harsh disciplinarian turn into the naughty child and her dementia takes hold. For those going through (now or in the past) or fearing for a future of caring for an elderly relative, it's sure to spark raw and emotional reactions.

Having lost both grandparents to dementia, I found this a very hard read. I'm not a natural carer, neither is my mother, and at times I'd really have preferred not to put myself through it.

It's well written, honest, not trying to paint a 'Look at me being a martyr or a hero' picture, and it addresses a lot of tough decisions carers have to make. I can't say I 'enjoyed' it as I don't believe it's a book that's intended to entertain, but I'm glad I read it.

Thanks to Netgalley and the publishers.

[Ruth Walker · Rating 4 out of 5]

An honest and powerful memoir about love, illness and loss. The first part of the book is a history of the Gulati family who have immigrated from India to the UK and covers the difficulties and challenges that brings. From there we move on to Shobna's mother Asha being diagnosed with Vascular Dementia and the heart-breaking journey for the whole family. My mother has late stage dementia so reading books like this help me to feel less alone, it wasn't always easy reading it, but then it's a very tough journey.

To quote Shobna; “Dementia is an incurable, progressive, relentless disease ... there is nothing you can do except make someone as comfortable as possible, it's impossible to imagine unless you know by experiencing it, how hopeless that can feel.”

[Arti Rajput · Rating 5 out of 5]

This story resonated with me but I think there’s also so much talent in this retelling of a woman’s life through the eyes of her daughter.

I think every one should read this. Especially people in the United Kingdom.

[Ryan Barry · Rating 5 out of 5]

A memoir about dementia. A memoir that’s about a fractured family. A memoir about immigration. A memoir about memories fought for, won, reimagined, remembered, and sometimes forgotten. A memoir about ‘being honest with yourself, in the face of adversity, your culture, your upbringing, your siblings, and even our your parents.

Shobna Gulati’s memoir about her Mother’s dementia is incredibly multilayered, a fascinating story of family life, and at times it carries a strong dual narrative. One story is of a talented artistic daughter stuck in a patriarchal culture that's of equal disparity to 1970s working-class Britain. The other story is of Shobna’s Mum, Asha, a woman born as a second-generation immigrant, one of the empire's children, who raises a family of four children, after her husband dies tragically young, and slowly succumbs to Dementia.

Shobna’s prose is as honest as it is beautiful, describing her Fathers sudden death; ‘I can only describe life at this stage as watching the colour seep from the walls. As though we had all been living in Technicolour and suddenly it faded and bleached out to monochrome’ Upon finding out about her mothers illness ‘A rain cloud that had been dodging us and that we hoped would be blown away seemed now to be getting closer and darker each day. The contents of it would change the course of our lives'

A memoir of a compassionate carer who just happens to be an actress, star of the stage, Doctor Who, Dinnerladies and of course Coronation Street ‘Remember Me’ is on its own in terms of what we can usually expect from the usual fare of fodder packed celebratory memoirs. You usually get the story of rags to riches interspersed with ambition, striving against the odds, and ultimately success. This book has a bit of that, but only a bit, and is, in essence, a lament, a eulogy, to Shobna Gulati’s Mum, Asha, and a real-life account of how dementia not only takes from the victim, it can rob a family of so much as well. It’s what makes this memoir so brilliantly different from any memoir I've ever read. For me, a memoir is an open and honest account, a book that opens up, literally, into another person's life or world, and this memoir delivers in droves.

Highly recommended.

[Vanessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

OMG and Breathe..............................I so need a Hug........Remember Me?: Discovering My Mother as She Lost Her Memory by Shobna Gulati was one of the most heartbreaking and honest account of many families going through the toughest time of their lives, I am going through it at the mo with my wonderful Mum who was diagnosed with Dementia just under a year ago. So this book was a tough one to read, but I am glad I read it. I am not alone! at the time of my mum's diagnosis I felt so helpless etc, However, this book has shown me to remember the good times we all had as a family and new good times we are going to have in the future, They may be very different but these will be memories I will treasure forever, with my mum and family.
This book was excellent to show me what to look for in the future and hopefully deal with Dementia better.

However, this book did take me Ages to read it and I did get through lots of tissues.....So to Shobna I am sending a big Thank you your way and a big Hug. Thank you for sharing your story and helping me look at Dementia differently x

Best wishes for the future Shobna x

[Natalie · Rating 4 out of 5]

An interesting read from Shobna. A little biography but mostly a story of her mum's declining health with Dementia and other illnesses.

I thought this was a good read, in that it gave us background into how she was left out in her family as a youngster as her parents wanted a boy, being the 3rd child, and when she turned out to be a girl there was disappointment. It's not a story focused on her career, just little snippets to show how she got where she did and then later, how she managed her job with looking after her mum along with her siblings. She was classed as a bit of an outcast when she had a child and was not married, and then separated from her son's father, so there were parts of this story where she was very honest and open in other people's opinions of herself.

This book is sure to help anybody looking after someone with Dementia, as she provided her own insight into how things were going when they all juggled to care for her mother. The close relationship they had and the things you have to think about when helping to care for someone with the illness.

An enjoyable read.

[Hannah Symonds · Rating 5 out of 5]

I found this an heartfelt and honest account of a families life going through the toughest time of their lives. Dementia affects so many people, it is hard for the person but also incredibly difficult for their families, books like this really help to spread the word that if you are affected then you are not alone. I had a family member who had dementia and it is truly upsetting to see that person not how you remember them. I think Shobna is an incredibly brave and strong woman to get her story out into the world, I remember watching her in Coronation Street and not realising what she was going through at that time in her life. We also take a look at Shobna's life back when she was growing up and all that she went through is absolutely heartbreaking. I hope this book helps others, remember you are not alone. I laughed, cried and shed many tears reading this book. Thank you Shobna for writing this incredible book.

[Amna Waqar · Rating 4 out of 5]

A brutally honest and heartbreaking memoir by Shobna Gulati. The latter half of this book concentrated on Gulati looking after her mother, after her mother's dementia diagnosis; the earlier half gave an in-depth insight into Gulati's childhood, her tumultuous adolescence and being raised in a well-to-do Asian household in Oldham.
Gender inequality, racial prejudice, her family and not living up to their expectations, fractured relationships, the birth of her son; her struggle as a single parent and her career, were all talked about in detail.
The main thread of this memoir however, is about the matriarch of the family -her mother. Gulati leaves no stone unturned talking about dementia and all the baggage that comes with it; her self-sacrifice into becoming her mother's carer, seeing her mother's sad and heart-wrenching deterioration and the toll that it took on her family.
My thanks to NetGalley for providing me with this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Zoë · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved this book, it is a very honest account of the relationships within a family. The way in which a family come to terms with a parent being ill with dementia and the tolls it takes, the way in which it affects people and Shobna found a way to help and grasp the lucid moments and embrace them.
It is a lovely book and I wish I had had the opportunity to read it years ago when a family member was suffering from dementia and I was involved in her care.
I laughed and I cried reading this book.
There are always special books that you save and know that you will go back and read them again, that you will tell others they should read and this is one of those.
It is a beautifully written book about a very difficult subject.

[Fiona Thompson · Rating 5 out of 5]

Stepping into a pool of memories

This is an exceptional book as we are given access to Shobna Gulati’s family and, in particular, to her mum, Asha. Through the narrative we experience not just the journey into dementia but the ways in which that mother/daughter relationship changed, throughout the years, and the self-understanding that is part of that dynamic. Beautifully written and it throws a challenge to us, as readers and as people who have seen Shobna perform, to look at our assumptions about other cultures and about performance. ‘Remember me’ is both a question and a command - we should try to do both.

[Graham · Rating 3 out of 5]

A generally good and affecting read from a different perspective. Gulati goes more into the family politics and care responsibilities for looking after somebody with dementia than some other books I've encountered, although at times she strays from the topic and other elements are hurriedly sketched over. She does come across as a likeable and human narrator, though, and the mother/daughter relationship is captured perfectly.

[Suki Panesar · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very relatable regarding family tradition and culture to my own childhood. Heartfelt sad moments throughout the book but the strength of individuals and how they handles situations was interesting. Family dynamics were truly put to the test, hoping there will be resolution in the future for them all

[Leanna Jones · Rating 5 out of 5]

Beautifully written. Although the subject matter is very sad there are also many moments of humour and levity. It is a celebration of life and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

[sharon stubbs-mills · Rating 5 out of 5]

Really enjoyed this book.

Really enjoyed this book. Limited myself to 2 chapters a night so it lasted me a while .I hope its a best seller.

[wheeliereads · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was a great insight into caring algorithm someone with dementia. As a daughter who has also been through this it really helped me understand some of the things I went through and I feel it will be really helpful to those caring for someone with this awful illness. It is heartbreaking but also very uplifting as her mum gets the best care, her humour also shines through. Unpaid carers are doing so much and we need to recognise them more for what they do. I’m so glad I read this book as not only did I find out more from an actress I admire I also felt seen and it helped me make sense of my own situation. Great read.

[TKP · Rating 3 out of 5]

My first introduction to Shobna Gulati was watching her play the hapless and slightly dim Anita in Victoria Wood's fabulous show, dinnerladies. I love this show so much that I watched it non-stop when it was back on Netflix recently. Shobna is a fantastic actress as a few years after she went on to play Dev's wife in Corrie..I only have a passing interest in Corrie so I can't remember her name in that but she was totally different to Anita.

As an ethnic minority myself, this book struck a chord with me. Having a parent (or parents) who are from a different culture to the one your friends are brought up in can be tough at times..I remember being the only girl in the playground with oil in my hair, for example. However, I grew up in London which was very multicultural back then and still is now.

The book, although sad as it comes about as the death of Shobna's mother, is a joy to read as Shobna traces back her mum's life and finds out so much more than she ever knew before. We often don't see our parents as people with their own lives and hopes, they are just our parents..good old mum and dad.

This book made me cry, it made me laugh.

[Smitha Parameswaran · Rating 3 out of 5]

I went into this book not knowing who the author is or her accomplishments. It was the title that made me pick this one up. Having seen a close father figure in my life go through the ravaging disease and how it affected every caregiver involved, I cant help myself but imagine what it was like for someone else to go through the same. Like mentioned in the book the diagnosis is only the beginning and every day they go from bad to worse and there is nothing but be a silent spectator to what is happening and this helplessness that tear at your insides for being unable to help them fight this worst monster of a disease.

Having said all this, I felt the book was more about the life of the author than her mother's journey through the disease. Amazed to know that in the western world this is seen as a taboo and unmentionable (really????)

My opinion is that this should have been more about Mrs Asha Gulati than the life choices and the resulting consequences of Shobna Gulati.