The Ex-Girlfriend of My Ex-Girlfriend Is My Girlfriend: Advice on Queer Dating, Love, and Friendship

by Maddy Court, Kelsey Wroten (Illustrations)

This illustrated book of advice on love, dating, and friendship—written by and for queer women and people of marginalized genders-is the new go-to queer relationship handbook.

Fix yourself a cup of non-caffeinated herbal tea and prepare to laugh, cry, reminisce, and feel your feelings as you read through these quintessentially queer dating dilemmas.

In The Ex-Girlfriend of My Ex-Girlfriend Is My Girlfriend, advice columnist Maddy Court (a.k.a. Xena Worrier Princess) answers anonymous queries from lesbian, bisexual, and queer women and people of marginalized genders.

Illustrated by comics artist Kelsey Wroten and based on Court's viral zine of the same name, this book features never-before-published letters and responses about first loves, heartbreak, coming out, and queer friendship—all answered with the warmth and honesty of the gay big sister you wish you had.

• BY QUEERS, FOR QUEERS: This book was written by and for queer women and people of marginalized genders. The questions reflect real experiences that aren't often represented in the media, and the answers offer an important reminder that loving ourselves takes patience, effort, and the support of our friends and communities.
• EXCITING DEBUT AUTHOR: In 2018, Maddy Court made the leap from creating niche lesbian memes on Instagram to writing and distributing a series of zines. Never preachy or dismissive, Court offers advice that is sympathetic and straightforward—it's equal parts refreshing vulnerability and remarkable wisdom.
• GORGEOUS ILLUSTRATION: Kelsey Wroten's art brings the letters to life, immersing the reader in all the joys and disappointments of the contributors who wrote in from all over the world. In addition to the traditional illustrations, each chapter features a paneled mini-comic that speaks to the different themes.
• AMAZING GUEST EXPERTS: Because one queer cannot possible hold all the answers, The Ex-Girlfriend of My Ex-Girlfriend Is My Girlfriend also includes advice from an incredible roster of guest experts. Author and comedian Samantha Irby; musicians JD Samson and Ellen Kempner; and writers and activists Tyler Ford, Kalyn Heffernan, Lola Pellegrino, and Mey Rude all tackle questions on long-distance breakups, jealousy, love triangles, making friends, and more.

Perfect for:

• Lesbian, bisexual, and queer women and people of marginalized genders with questions about dating, friendship, and life
• Fans of the Ex-Girlfriend zine series and followers of @Xenaworrierprincess
• Fans of Kelsey Wroten's graphic novels and art

Genres: Queer, Nonfiction, LGBT, Lesbian, Self Help, Essays, Gay

168 pages, Paperback

First published May 18, 2021

Reviews

[Althea · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really valuable, heart-warming and affirming read for queer people of all ages! I absolutely loved the illustrations in this and the advice within is sure to resonate with all readers, no matter their sexuality or gender!

Thanks to Netgalley and Chronicle Books for an e-ARC in return for an honest review!

[Sasha · Rating 4 out of 5]

Delightful! Read this in a day. Basically like reading the advice column in sweet queer teen magazine except those who write in range from being in their teens to their 40s. Lots of good wisdom in here, though definitely a few pieces of advice I disagreed with, but duh! We all deal with and interpret situations differently. Also the illustrations are lovely. 3.5 stars!

[Anwen Hayward · Rating 4 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this one. Most of the advice in it is heartfelt and sensitive, and the addition of guest experts to cover the more intersectional parts of the queer experience was an excellent idea (although some of the guest experts did seem a little more interested in self-promotion or, in one case, being quite unkind to the person who asked for advice; I would have liked a bit more editing in a few of those.) The range of topics covered was pretty enormous, considering the relatively small size of this book, and I think most queer women or people of marginalised genders will probably recognise at least one of their own dating experiences in this one. Absolutely recommend this one for any queer woman or femme who's ever wondered if they're the outlier for sharing 8 ex girlfriends with their housemate, or who just wants to feel Seen (TM).

[Vicky · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐
Notable
- a read-in-one-sitting kind of book
- design/layout with illustrations + the colors + the paper quality all calmed me into feeling like I do when I walk into an air-conditioned museum, very clean, enough space to breathe
- still as enjoyable as the original printed + stapled zine copies, which I used to read slowly, like one problem at a time
- "structured activities remove a lot of the obstacles" (and stressors/flakiness of dating) p.29
- went into a mini JD Samson google search, fact-checking pronouns, watching a "My Place" video of her apt on YouTube, verifying once again to confirm JD was not in Itty Bitty Titty Committee
- "One of the most terrifying things about being human is that the people we love are not obligated to stay with us." p. 53
- I was so taken aback by Samantha Irby's response/guest "expert" advice to someone struggling with jealousy/insecurity that it was really the worst advice in this book, like it really stood out as not supportive with a weird paragraph of accusatory tones about this person lying to their therapist, as if they've been dragging this out for too long, etc. that didn't even encourage introspection to resolve these feelings at their source and proposed cutting it off instead. I really did not understand how this was featured/included.
- "I usually keep a wall up and can predict when the end is coming" p. 77
- "Saying 'no' can be a litmus test for the people in our lives." p. 88
- "the PROBLEM is, so much of what I've absorbed about how to deal with heartbreak revolves around learning to see the flaws in your former partner and resenting their missteps" (ok and here I learned that this was BAD, lolol, well, I don't do this 100%, but I utilize focusing on the negative aspects to remind myself that it was for the best in non-romantic situations as well)
- "knowing how to be alone is an amazing asset as you begin to make friends and date again. It means you won't settle for people who treat you poorly." p. 94
- I appreciated Ellen Kempner's guest response about how, if you feel like you are putting in more effort to maintain a friendship, it's not always that the other friend isn't interested in remaining friends but they could be lacking initiative for all kinds of reasons and the main moment to reconsider it is if you get in touch and they routinely do not try to make any time for you. This was reassuring to read because often I feel like the one who is not AS in touch because I don't necessarily need the same amount/frequency of social time. Or—longer gaps can take place. Or—I can feel relieved at the gesture of making plans together and mutually agreeing to cancel/postpone.
- being a non-binary lesbian, being valid + also really appreciated Tyler Ford's guest response here, esp. the list of questions AND esp. how it doesn't have to be necessary to precisely define/articulate one's identity, which was reassuring for me, because p. 125
- "It's unfair not to give someone the chance to correct their behavior, or to know you completely" p. 130
- lol the question from the Capricorn about them financially supporting their girlfriend for 3 years was—smh—. I was very judgmental at the situation.
- "pragmatic midwestern lesbian"
- "Relationships push us to uncover the most beautiful and most agonizing parts of ourselves" p. 152, also great guest response by Kalyn Rose Heffernan to a chronically-ill wheelchair user in London
- love the bright pink cover

[Zoë Jackson-Newbold · Rating 4 out of 5]

I’ve followed Maddy on Instagram for a couple of years and was excited to see this book pop up on NetGalley.

In a book version of her zine series, the author answers questions from Queer women and non-binary people on love, life and different facets of moving through the world as an LGBT+ person. Her advice is heartfelt and clear, drawing on her own personal experiences. I appreciated the use of guest contributors to cover areas that they had more personal knowledge of, real effort has been made here to be intersectional and not to speak over the voices of different groups.

Colourful illustrations throughout add to the collection and make it a real pleasure to read. I’d recommend this book to Queer women and non-binary people, especially those who are either feeling stuck in a rut or who are closeted/ newly out.

Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing me with an advance copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[Elly · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.25 - I did enjoy this book! the art was beautiful, and I really liked the breadth of sapphic experiences explored (ableism in queer spaces, biphobia from lesbian friends who have struggled w comphet, shame/frustration in being gatekept from the label “lesbian” when nb, polyamory, etc.). however, there were definitely parts of the book that were TOO stereotypically fun white millennial wlw aunty trying to connect to gen z,,,, to the point of being a meme ?? idk… i liked it but i did have to put down the book for a bit after reading some of the columns that were in that writing style

[Maia · Rating 3 out of 5]

A dating advice book specifically for queers. I don't know how many people will sit down to read this front to back, but it's a very fun book to flip through and read in bits and pieces. Written in an advice-column style (the questions are real ones sent in by readers) with very nice illustrations.

[Geoff · Rating 4 out of 5]

A fun, snarky, and heartfelt book of advice columns for Lesbians. I'm not the target audience for this book, but besides the fact that it has one of the best titles of any book I've read this year, it works for two reasons. First, it is fascinating to learn more about the social norms, stages, fears, hopes, in jokes, and expectations of a group of people that's different form me. And second, it's a great reminder for everyone that people who are different from you aren't that different from you. We are all human and love is love.

**Thanks to the author, publisher, and NetGalley for a free copy in exchange for an honest review.

[Sara · Rating 5 out of 5]

A must-read, particularly for queer women and non-binary people!
This book talks for itself - advice columns about love, life and queer existence. The inclusion of "guest speakers" is a great addition for inclusivity and allowed for the best advice-giving possible!
If it won't help you personally (although, it probably will), it will at least give you a better insight to some problems other people may have, and think about how you could better interact with them.

[Nico · Rating 2 out of 5]

Like Tiger Beat, but if Tiger Beat’s advice columnists were all polyamorous lesbians

Some of the advice in here was earnest, heartfelt stuff, and some of the advice was Really, Really Bad. 1.5 stars. Rounded up to 2 stars only because of the phrase “there are more dykes in the pit.”

[Hannah Showalter · Rating 4 out of 5]

A cute little advice book about navigating the world as a queer woman! Didn’t feel preachy at any points, which I really appreciated!

[Sarah · Rating 4 out of 5]

Insightful advice and reflections on queer dating and relationships of all kinds. Set up as a Question and Answer advice column. I really appreciated the Vulnerability and honesty

[Gillian · Rating 4 out of 5]

The Ex-Girlfriend of my Ex-Girlfriend is my Girlfriend is a book borne out of a queer zine that focuses on advice for LGBTQ+ folks. Organized in different chapters based on general themes with multiple Q&As in each section, this book reads like a compilation of advice columns on romance, identity, sex and friendship.

Reading this made me appreciate being queer in all of its messy, complex, weird and beautiful ways. It also reminded me of all the ways we as queer and trans people have things so much harder than our cishet counterparts. At the same time, it provided me with hope and pride for all the ways in which we re-write the social scripts to find our forms of happiness.

I appreciated how different questions were answered by different people, depending on their identity and levels of experience/expertise. While many heavy themes were explored throughout, the book remained light and hopeful!

[Ellie Stitzer · Rating 5 out of 5]

this was a sweet read, like sitting in the bathtub and flipping through a magazine while drinking a glass of wine

[Andrew · Rating 4 out of 5]

fine, FINE, i’ll do the hard work!

[rosie (donna tartt’s version)]

this is a cute book for baby gays!

[Grace · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some actual tough love, hard core advice! Also the illustrations are just so good!

[jac · Rating 5 out of 5]

what a sweet and funny book with so many good pieces of advice that made me think about my own life! and the illustrations are so beautiful. maddy had answered my question in one of the ex-gf zines and it's really cool that her writing was helpful then and continues to be now, even when that question i asked years ago is so incredibly far from my life now!

[rae !! · Rating 3 out of 5]

3.5 imagine carrie Bradshaw is a dyke and better writer

[Rebekah Jenkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is so sweet. There’s so many touching questions and I wish I could have read this as a younger questioning adult.

[Yurt · Rating 3 out of 5]

Warm, fluffy, well-intentioned. Cute illustrations, helpful in normalizing lgbt+ concerns about polyamory, gender, being sexually under-experienced, being sexually over-experienced, dying alone, etc. Some of the advice was terrible.

[Kira · Rating 3 out of 5]

Skimmed this, and it was just OK for me! Didn’t vibe with some of the advice but loved other parts (yessss Tyler Ford!). I think I would have really enjoyed this in a different moment of life, but here we are.

[Lu]

I sometimes just need an older lesbian to hold my face and tell me that I’ll be okay. And this book felt a little like how I imagine that would feel. Loved Kelsey Wroten’s illustrations 🌀

“When it comes down to it, life is a lot simpler than we sometimes make it. All you have to do is act with integrity, authenticity, and belief in yourself.

You will NEVER— I repeat— YOU WILL NEVER KNOW EXACTLY HOW SOMEONE ELSE FEELS ABOUT YOU!!!! Not even when someone tells you. Fucked up, right? Scary, right? Yeah, believe me, it sucks. There can be a lot of fear around that concept, but there is a whole lot of beauty as well. Because it gives you the opportunity to build up your own self-confidence so that: (1) You always have your self-love, even when you are hurting, (2) You don't try to force someone else to have feeling when they don't. (3) You don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you!!!

These are things that took me a very long time to realize and … Goddess, I wish someone had just told me straight up.”


“If you've ever kept a secret or stayed in a bad relationship because you were afraid of disappointing your partner, you know that silence is not the easy option. Even our bodies know when we're lying or denying important parts of ourselves. Our guts twist into knots. Our hearts race. Certain topics and words make us feel waves of hot and cold. It's unfair not to give someone the chance to correct their behavior, or to know you completely. It assumes that nobody is capable of hearing criticism or making a change.

There are no shortcuts for a difficult conversation. It's our official position that saying something over text or email is better than not saying it at all. Ask yourself, Why am I struggling to speak freely? Am I feeling ashamed right now, or is there something about this relationship that's preventing me from being honest? Tough conversations are a part of every relationship, especially your relationship with yourself.”


“What are you telling your therapist? What is the therapist saying back to you? Isn't one of the objects of therapy to give you tools to use during the many hours of the week in which you are not in the therapist's office? Are you lying to the therapist? Are you not listening to the sound and educated and practical advice (I assume) the therapist is giving you? How long is "a while?" How long is too long to be seeing a therapist who doesn't seem to actually be helping you solve your problems? Seriously, though, are you telling the therapist the whole truth? Do you listen when the therapist tells you something you don't want to hear, or do you leave their office and just do whatever you were gonna do in the first place? How did you find this therapist? Why haven't they helped you? Isn't it weird that you are having an ongoing conversation with a professional about an emotional response you are having to a person you honestly don't need to be romantically entangled with? Why are you wasting your copay on a therapist if you're willing to accept advice from me, a comedy writer who barely graduated high school????“

[Pearl · Rating 4 out of 5]

I won this book as part of a goodreads giveaway that I entered because I thought the title was funny and I though the odds of me winning it were low. But I did so here we are. I had never heard of the zine or advice column that it was based off of but I had fun reading it.

First off the book is very nice to hold, the little designs on the cover are raised and it’s very tactile.

The art in the book is inventive and whimsical and really goes well with the contents of the book.

The book can definitely be read piecemeal or straight through or thumbed through in search of specific advice. I read it straight through just because I knew I would forget to post this if I didn’t. The advice given throughout but the author or the various guest authors is pretty solid throughout. My main complaint being that some of the stories and thus subsequent advice were uber niche. There were a lot of more general but still specific stories who’s advice could be taken for a variety of situations. But some of the more niche stories kinda just lost me. Which is just possibly just a byproduct of how advice columns work but I digress.

I didn’t really care for final story/advice combo, it felt like a weird way to end the book, but I absolutely loved the last illustration.

It’s a fun book, I had a good time reading it and it will likely be a good reference book in the future

[Heaven Ashlee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rating nonfiction is weird like. It's people's opinions, so obviously I can't mark it down???

Anyway, this book was good. It was bright and colorful with a catchy title, which initially brought me to walk down the 300's aisle at work and grab our copy off the shelves. It focused (mainly) on lesbians, which isn't me, but had more bisexual women thrown in near the end, which made me feel a little less isolated from the whole schtick.

There was some great advice in here for basically anyone, but especially queer people, and (obviously) those of the wlw persuasion. I like how some of the advice wasn't all sunshine and rainbows and pointed out bad or negative behaviors in those who sent in their questions. It was refreshing to read each response and have it feel real.

[Jessica · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a wonderful book written in the Dear Abby Q&A style of advice columns. It’s also filled with adorable doodles.

The advice in this book is outstanding. No matter your age, sexuality, gender, or relationship status, you will learn something from this book. It is very positive and uplifting, and tackles many different topics in useful and fun way.

My only gripe is that some of the pages are printed in hot pink on a white background and they were difficult to look at, in my opinion.

I received a copy of this book from a Goodreads giveaway.

[b (tobias forge's version) · Rating 4 out of 5]

I've always loved a good advice column, and reading this book felt like a much more personally relevant version of all the drama that child Britt sucked up from Dear Abby and Ann Landers. While the advice isn't always groundbreaking--stop feeling bad about your exes being friends on Instagram by making yourself stop stalking them on Instagram? you don't say!--it was almost always validating. It's always comforting that your problems are not yours alone, and that plenty of other queer women are overthinking their ways through the same old stuff.

[lou · Rating 4 out of 5]

i really like maddy court, i followed her on instagram for years, and i subscribe to her substack, so i have read a lot of her advice columns. it was nice to see so many in one place, i really liked how the book was structured, i thought including guest columnists was smart and well-done, and i loved the illustrations! nothing here is super groundbreaking, but it is always heartening to see queers talking to other queers about love and relationships and community from a place of generosity and directness. read maddy court if you haven't, she is funny and kind.

[Hannah · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 stars
i thought i would find this therapeutic and i honestly did. i feel like it's hard to find books that are focused specifically on lesbian relationships and this felt like a very affirming read. i do think it captured a lot of the intricacies of lesbian dating, love, heartbreak, etc. i will say some of the advice felt very blunt and there were times i felt like some harsh assumptions were made, but overall i enjoyed this (and i read it during my bookstore shift so it was a nice quick read)

[Miesha Wilson Headen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Even though I’m straight, I loved this advice book and found it engrossing (the advice was wise and unexpected, not trite) and personally informative (bad breakups are bad breakups). I feel more informed about and sympathetic to the queer community, especially how they cope with being a minority. Lastly, the book is pretty; I loved the color and graphics.