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#ChurchToo: How Purity Culture Upholds Abuse and How to Find Healing
When Emily Joy Allison outed her abuser on Twitter, she launched #ChurchToo, a movement to expose the culture of sexual abuse and assault utterly rampant in Christian churches in America. Not a single denomination is unaffected. And the reasons are somewhat different than those you might find in the #MeToo stories coming out of Hollywood or Washington. While patriarchy and misogyny are problems everywhere, they take on a particularly pernicious form in Christian churches where those with power have been insisting, since many decades before #MeToo, that this sexually dysfunctional environment is, in fact, exactly how God wants it to be.
#ChurchToo turns over the rocks of the church’s sexual dysfunction, revealing just what makes sexualized violence in religious contexts both ubiquitous and uniquely traumatizing. It also lays the groundwork for not one but many paths of healing from a religious culture of sexual shame, secrecy, and control, and for victims of assault to live full, free, healthy lives.
#ChurchToo turns over the rocks of the church’s sexual dysfunction, revealing just what makes sexualized violence in religious contexts both ubiquitous and uniquely traumatizing. It also lays the groundwork for not one but many paths of healing from a religious culture of sexual shame, secrecy, and control, and for victims of assault to live full, free, healthy lives.
195 pages, Paperback
First published March 9, 2021
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3032 people want to read
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January 22, 2021
The difference between #metoo and #churchtoo is that the latter tackles a whole litany of abuses, mostly centered on sexual purity. In the evangelical world, purity means no talk, knowledge or experience with sex before marriage. It only applies to women, of course, and marriage can only be to a Christian man. Also of course. The result is a whole tribe of damaged women who have been blamed and punished for men breaking the purity code. Emily Joy Allison has collected a lot of their stories in a remarkably cogent, straightforward and intelligent book simply called #churchtoo, the hashtag she invented precisely to bring them together.
She describes her own case, which is sadly typical. A church leader twice her age “groomed” her, gaining her trust and control over her. Eventually, he took it to the sexual stage. In her 15-year old state of naiveté, she told her parents, who not only blamed her, but made her call him in their presence and apologize to him, which he did not reciprocate. They kept barraging her with humiliating critism until she left home altogether, never to return. It shattered her and changed her life, forcing her to abandon her home and family and start over, this time as a human being.
She has clearly dwelt on it, thought it through from every angle and every outcome, and has helped numerous others through it. She expresses her points directly, succinctly and clearly. The book is a pleasure of unchallengeable thoughts, deeds and analysis, well organized and thorough.
She says “Purity culture is the spiritual corollary of rape culture created in Christian environments by theologies that teach complete sexual abstinence until legal, monogamous marriage between a cisgender, heterosexual man and a cisgender, heterosexual woman for life—or else.”(Cisgender means the gender decided at birth, before any changes, desires or transformations are accounted for.) By keeping their daughters totally ignorant of their own bodies, they also maintain total control over their person, leading to numerous psychological traumas as these girls deal with their total ignorance versus the real world and biology. It is to be a life of obedience, subservience, lack of development and unfulfilled potential. Women are not permitted to be higher ranked or profiled than their husbands. Not in careers, not in finance, not professionally or socially. The bible says so.
Or does it? The purity movement is only decades old. As with so many religious theories, people with no authority write books that propose these things, based on little or nothing. The Christian publishing industry in the USA is gigantic, with hundreds of new titles coming out every month. If you think everything that could possibly be said about Christianity has already been said better and more succinctly in the bible, you would be sadly mistaken. Christian bookstores have an endless supply of new titles, and the barriers to entry are none. The theories come from all angles, and sometimes, they stick. Such is the genesis of purity culture for evangelicals. Unfortunately, people now run their lives and families by it.
The state of sexual ignorance leads directly to unfathomable shame at the slightest transgression. Girls are made to feel they have failed, early and often. No man will want damaged goods, and that’s all that women are in the evangelical context. Allison says “Shame turns the lights off in the room.” As she later learned, or had confirmed by therapists, sexual shame is the same as sexual abuse. It ruins whole lives early. And if it doesn’t remain totally secret, the woman will be punished.
Aggression by boys, on the other hand, are applauded. She cites several cases where pastors have been applauded by their congregations for publicly admitting their abuse of underage girls, as well as boys. In evangelical circles, men rule, and nothing, but nothing must stand in the way of them realizing their potential. No matter how many lives they ruin, they can continue their journey, shall we say, unmolested.
It continues at Christian schools, where the internet is blocked for any search or site involving bodies. (Allison’s mother freaked out when she caught her children watching yoga on TV.) It put the women in the absurd position of having to do all their research for termpapers on smartphones outside of school. Allison says she learned all of what she little she knew about her own body from the pages of Cosmopolitan magazine.
Christian schools have put themselves in a particularly strenuous bind. On the one hand, 80% of their students engage in sexual activities. On the other hand, since sexual activities are prohibited, the schools feel no obligation to even discuss the concept of consent. School handbooks don’t even bring it up. The result is that consent has the moral equivalence of harassment, abuse and assault. Consent is not even a fictional concept to believers in purity. So rape is in.
Christian schools also perpetuate the impossible rules whereby women, finally at least tolerated in these institutions, must contort themselves to avoid any signs of normal growing up and life events. ”Usually if you get divorced in the middle of a program, you are required to drop out, take at least a year off, and then reapply, hoping you’ll be let back in if it is determined that the reason for your divorce was ‘biblical’ and you are sufficiently repentant.” Because divorce is also not easily allowed, and is pretty much always the woman’s fault. It delays the development of the man, professionally, in family and in self esteem. She cites one absurd example where the church told an abused wife to go back to her husband. She showed up at church with him on Sunday, with two black eyes from her latest beating. She asked the pastor if he was satisfied now and was told he was delighted, because she got her husband to come to Sunday service at long last.
Above all, happiness in women is forbidden as dangerous. In the evangelical world, “Happiness is a gateway drug in purity culture. They’re afraid that before they know it, you’ll think you’re worth something. You’ll realize you’re not fundamentally broken and you don’t need a cure for a disease you don’t have. And if you can figure that out on your own, then what do you need them for?”
What Allison describes is garden variety white supremacy. It is worrisome that it seems to continue and flourish in the USA. The hierarchy, the patriarchy, the ignorance and blind devotion all reek of white supremacy, American style.
Allison has collected a list of standard answers (she calls them myths) that are worth reprinting:
“Well, she provoked him.”
“What happens in their marriage is between the two of them. It’s nobody else’s business.”
“He just punched a hole in the wall. It wasn’t that serious.”
“Why doesn’t she just leave? I would.”
“That would never happen to a man. He must be lying.”
“She’s probably just making it all up to get revenge.”
“They only did that because they were drunk.”
“A real Christian man would never abuse his wife.”
“You can’t rape someone you’re married to.”
“If he really assaulted her, she would have told someone right away.”
This is a set of moral values absolutely abhorrent to non-believers. And the survivors bear its scars for life. Allison herself is clearly not over it, and none of the participants in the #churchtoo conversation seem to have been able to get past it either.
Unexpectedly, at least for me, Allison has remained religious. She attends services and even works at the church. Despite all the pain, psychological issues and waste, she says “If there is one thing I have less tolerance for than purity culture, it’s the perspective that all religion is inherently evil and everyone who participates in it is either intellectually inferior or morally broken. “ She is no longer an evangelical. She has no connection with her family whatsoever. And as a gay woman, she is doubly damned. And yet, there she is. It is puzzling.
She is out there working with women and men who have suffered the effects of the total control demanded of young evangelicals at the sexual level. She criticizes the church for its hypocrisy, its absurdity and its insufferable hierarchy, in which women are at the bottom. And yet, she is a believer still.
What struck me most is how many perfectly good lives have been ruined by this distraction from their own potential. Sexual abuse leads to endless therapy and often chronic conditions and meds. Rather than exploring their potential, these victims spend their lives looking for normalcy, for support and community, all of which have been denied to them by their church. You might think the insanity of it all would lead them to hate the church and work for its dismantling. But that’s not the outcome at all.
Allison asked each interviewee the same question: what do you want to say to other victims? And every one independently said something about love. How victims should know they are loved, that there is more love out there than they could possibly imagine, and that they appreciated these victims for their strength and love. It was not the conclusion I expected, but Allison had built so much credibility by this point that I had no choice but to respect this as the outcome of #churchtoo.
Powerful book.
David Wineberg
She describes her own case, which is sadly typical. A church leader twice her age “groomed” her, gaining her trust and control over her. Eventually, he took it to the sexual stage. In her 15-year old state of naiveté, she told her parents, who not only blamed her, but made her call him in their presence and apologize to him, which he did not reciprocate. They kept barraging her with humiliating critism until she left home altogether, never to return. It shattered her and changed her life, forcing her to abandon her home and family and start over, this time as a human being.
She has clearly dwelt on it, thought it through from every angle and every outcome, and has helped numerous others through it. She expresses her points directly, succinctly and clearly. The book is a pleasure of unchallengeable thoughts, deeds and analysis, well organized and thorough.
She says “Purity culture is the spiritual corollary of rape culture created in Christian environments by theologies that teach complete sexual abstinence until legal, monogamous marriage between a cisgender, heterosexual man and a cisgender, heterosexual woman for life—or else.”(Cisgender means the gender decided at birth, before any changes, desires or transformations are accounted for.) By keeping their daughters totally ignorant of their own bodies, they also maintain total control over their person, leading to numerous psychological traumas as these girls deal with their total ignorance versus the real world and biology. It is to be a life of obedience, subservience, lack of development and unfulfilled potential. Women are not permitted to be higher ranked or profiled than their husbands. Not in careers, not in finance, not professionally or socially. The bible says so.
Or does it? The purity movement is only decades old. As with so many religious theories, people with no authority write books that propose these things, based on little or nothing. The Christian publishing industry in the USA is gigantic, with hundreds of new titles coming out every month. If you think everything that could possibly be said about Christianity has already been said better and more succinctly in the bible, you would be sadly mistaken. Christian bookstores have an endless supply of new titles, and the barriers to entry are none. The theories come from all angles, and sometimes, they stick. Such is the genesis of purity culture for evangelicals. Unfortunately, people now run their lives and families by it.
The state of sexual ignorance leads directly to unfathomable shame at the slightest transgression. Girls are made to feel they have failed, early and often. No man will want damaged goods, and that’s all that women are in the evangelical context. Allison says “Shame turns the lights off in the room.” As she later learned, or had confirmed by therapists, sexual shame is the same as sexual abuse. It ruins whole lives early. And if it doesn’t remain totally secret, the woman will be punished.
Aggression by boys, on the other hand, are applauded. She cites several cases where pastors have been applauded by their congregations for publicly admitting their abuse of underage girls, as well as boys. In evangelical circles, men rule, and nothing, but nothing must stand in the way of them realizing their potential. No matter how many lives they ruin, they can continue their journey, shall we say, unmolested.
It continues at Christian schools, where the internet is blocked for any search or site involving bodies. (Allison’s mother freaked out when she caught her children watching yoga on TV.) It put the women in the absurd position of having to do all their research for termpapers on smartphones outside of school. Allison says she learned all of what she little she knew about her own body from the pages of Cosmopolitan magazine.
Christian schools have put themselves in a particularly strenuous bind. On the one hand, 80% of their students engage in sexual activities. On the other hand, since sexual activities are prohibited, the schools feel no obligation to even discuss the concept of consent. School handbooks don’t even bring it up. The result is that consent has the moral equivalence of harassment, abuse and assault. Consent is not even a fictional concept to believers in purity. So rape is in.
Christian schools also perpetuate the impossible rules whereby women, finally at least tolerated in these institutions, must contort themselves to avoid any signs of normal growing up and life events. ”Usually if you get divorced in the middle of a program, you are required to drop out, take at least a year off, and then reapply, hoping you’ll be let back in if it is determined that the reason for your divorce was ‘biblical’ and you are sufficiently repentant.” Because divorce is also not easily allowed, and is pretty much always the woman’s fault. It delays the development of the man, professionally, in family and in self esteem. She cites one absurd example where the church told an abused wife to go back to her husband. She showed up at church with him on Sunday, with two black eyes from her latest beating. She asked the pastor if he was satisfied now and was told he was delighted, because she got her husband to come to Sunday service at long last.
Above all, happiness in women is forbidden as dangerous. In the evangelical world, “Happiness is a gateway drug in purity culture. They’re afraid that before they know it, you’ll think you’re worth something. You’ll realize you’re not fundamentally broken and you don’t need a cure for a disease you don’t have. And if you can figure that out on your own, then what do you need them for?”
What Allison describes is garden variety white supremacy. It is worrisome that it seems to continue and flourish in the USA. The hierarchy, the patriarchy, the ignorance and blind devotion all reek of white supremacy, American style.
Allison has collected a list of standard answers (she calls them myths) that are worth reprinting:
“Well, she provoked him.”
“What happens in their marriage is between the two of them. It’s nobody else’s business.”
“He just punched a hole in the wall. It wasn’t that serious.”
“Why doesn’t she just leave? I would.”
“That would never happen to a man. He must be lying.”
“She’s probably just making it all up to get revenge.”
“They only did that because they were drunk.”
“A real Christian man would never abuse his wife.”
“You can’t rape someone you’re married to.”
“If he really assaulted her, she would have told someone right away.”
This is a set of moral values absolutely abhorrent to non-believers. And the survivors bear its scars for life. Allison herself is clearly not over it, and none of the participants in the #churchtoo conversation seem to have been able to get past it either.
Unexpectedly, at least for me, Allison has remained religious. She attends services and even works at the church. Despite all the pain, psychological issues and waste, she says “If there is one thing I have less tolerance for than purity culture, it’s the perspective that all religion is inherently evil and everyone who participates in it is either intellectually inferior or morally broken. “ She is no longer an evangelical. She has no connection with her family whatsoever. And as a gay woman, she is doubly damned. And yet, there she is. It is puzzling.
She is out there working with women and men who have suffered the effects of the total control demanded of young evangelicals at the sexual level. She criticizes the church for its hypocrisy, its absurdity and its insufferable hierarchy, in which women are at the bottom. And yet, she is a believer still.
What struck me most is how many perfectly good lives have been ruined by this distraction from their own potential. Sexual abuse leads to endless therapy and often chronic conditions and meds. Rather than exploring their potential, these victims spend their lives looking for normalcy, for support and community, all of which have been denied to them by their church. You might think the insanity of it all would lead them to hate the church and work for its dismantling. But that’s not the outcome at all.
Allison asked each interviewee the same question: what do you want to say to other victims? And every one independently said something about love. How victims should know they are loved, that there is more love out there than they could possibly imagine, and that they appreciated these victims for their strength and love. It was not the conclusion I expected, but Allison had built so much credibility by this point that I had no choice but to respect this as the outcome of #churchtoo.
Powerful book.
David Wineberg
May 6, 2022
I am still processing what I just read but #ChurchToo is an excellent piece of nonfiction that I would recommend to anyone who has been hurt by purity culture or abuse in the American evangelical church, or to anyone who wants to better understand what that world and its effects are like.
The author began the #ChurchToo movement when she shared her story of abuse in the church and this book is part memoir, part examination of the harm that purity culture has done and how we can think about moving forward from it. As a later-in-life queer woman, Allison is LGBT-affirming and expresses how homophobia and homophobic theology is violence. She writes as a person who still attends church and values Jesus, but doesn't feel that is the only valid path for people in recovery from spiritual abuse and sexual abuse in the church. It's a rich, thoughtful, trauma-informed, hopeful book that offers a lot of practical resources for people who want to know more or are looking for a place to start in accessing therapy.
As a deconstructing former evangelical woman who came out as bisexual in my 30's, this book deeply resonated with me and while the path to unpacking and healing from all of this is hard, Allison offers a hopeful vision of a joyful, shame-free life. I'm going to be thinking about this one for awhile and will eventually have more to say about it in a forthcoming video, but this book deserves more attention.
The author began the #ChurchToo movement when she shared her story of abuse in the church and this book is part memoir, part examination of the harm that purity culture has done and how we can think about moving forward from it. As a later-in-life queer woman, Allison is LGBT-affirming and expresses how homophobia and homophobic theology is violence. She writes as a person who still attends church and values Jesus, but doesn't feel that is the only valid path for people in recovery from spiritual abuse and sexual abuse in the church. It's a rich, thoughtful, trauma-informed, hopeful book that offers a lot of practical resources for people who want to know more or are looking for a place to start in accessing therapy.
As a deconstructing former evangelical woman who came out as bisexual in my 30's, this book deeply resonated with me and while the path to unpacking and healing from all of this is hard, Allison offers a hopeful vision of a joyful, shame-free life. I'm going to be thinking about this one for awhile and will eventually have more to say about it in a forthcoming video, but this book deserves more attention.
March 9, 2021
Emily's book provides a foundational resource for all things purity culture - what it is, how it manifests in Christian settings, and how it seeps into the rest of the "secular" world (via avenues such as the religious right's hold on US sex education). My favorite thing about Emily's writing is that she doesn't pull punches about the things we must discard in order to stop perpetuating purity culture. There is no middle way or compromise when dismantling abusive systems, but people still invested in aspects of purity culture, such as homophobia, will find this difficult to stomach, especially if they believe they are not enabling abuse.
February 15, 2022
This book could have been an amazing and compelling memoir. However, the author’s lack of rhetorical and philosophical training is glaringly evident as she consistently makes hasty generalizations and conflates purity culture with the virtue of chastity as a subset of the virtue of charity. She makes it clear that she is unwilling to consider any viewpoint other than her own, which makes her argument automatically seem in fear of the truth, which is a shame because I actually agree with her.
January 28, 2024
HEY MA!!!! Someone published a book about my thesis!!! (Abstinence Only Sex Education in Ohio is and Upholds Rape Culture)
Bravo on this one. Could’ve used a little more data but the personal stories really resonated with her points and hit home.
This book was mostly about abuse within church environments, rather than the hashtag. Which I preferred!!! I am a hashtag hater.
Bravo on this one. Could’ve used a little more data but the personal stories really resonated with her points and hit home.
This book was mostly about abuse within church environments, rather than the hashtag. Which I preferred!!! I am a hashtag hater.
January 18, 2023
I'm not rating this low because of the message. I 100% agree with the message in this book, however my rating is for the writing. I felt like this was a disjointed collection of thoughts, and needed more direction.
September 16, 2024
A good summary of why purity culture, complementarianism, and other misogynistic Christian systems lead to sexual abuse, rape, domestic abuse, and silencing of victims. Additionally, churches resist accountability and protecting their congregations. Ironically, the author understands and applies Christian theology better than the pushers of purity culture.
December 29, 2022
I really wanted to like this book. The introduction got me hooked right away, however the rest of the book was hard to finish. As a quick summary, this book is about sexual abuse in the church & how purity culture plays a role in it.
PROS —
- for anyone not familiar with abuse in the church, this book will open your eyes
- acknowledges how poorly christians treat survivors of sexual assault
- talks about consent & what that means in marriage and before marriage
“Framing consent as "always no" in singleness and "always yes" in marriage is a recipe for abuse and toxic relationship dynamics to take hold.”
- makes the reader evaluate their own beliefs about purity culture & and it’s effect on life
CONS —
- the writer uses the word “theology” 30 times per page. it’a annoying.
- each chapter starts with one or two bible verses that are either completely out of context or aren’t even mentioned in the chapter.
- a lot of bible verses used within each chapter are also out of context and the author adds her own “interpretation” of the text.
- at the first glance, it seems like this book will share lots of real stories from survivors of sexual abuse in the church - however we only get quotes and bits and pieces of their stories.
- the author makes serious remarks of saying that abstinence before marriage “isn’t even biblical” yet never ever goes into that topic.
overall, i do not recommend this book for anyone who is looking to an easy read or even to those who are interested in real testimonies from survivors. this book is for people who want to challenge their belief a bit, and don’t mind suffering through terrible writing.
PROS —
- for anyone not familiar with abuse in the church, this book will open your eyes
- acknowledges how poorly christians treat survivors of sexual assault
- talks about consent & what that means in marriage and before marriage
“Framing consent as "always no" in singleness and "always yes" in marriage is a recipe for abuse and toxic relationship dynamics to take hold.”
- makes the reader evaluate their own beliefs about purity culture & and it’s effect on life
CONS —
- the writer uses the word “theology” 30 times per page. it’a annoying.
- each chapter starts with one or two bible verses that are either completely out of context or aren’t even mentioned in the chapter.
- a lot of bible verses used within each chapter are also out of context and the author adds her own “interpretation” of the text.
- at the first glance, it seems like this book will share lots of real stories from survivors of sexual abuse in the church - however we only get quotes and bits and pieces of their stories.
- the author makes serious remarks of saying that abstinence before marriage “isn’t even biblical” yet never ever goes into that topic.
overall, i do not recommend this book for anyone who is looking to an easy read or even to those who are interested in real testimonies from survivors. this book is for people who want to challenge their belief a bit, and don’t mind suffering through terrible writing.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
March 28, 2023
i really wanted to like this read. and there are parts that are redeemable. however, i couldn't get past the author's incessant need to describe memes and gifs (something that does not translate to written word) that she thinks are relevant as an attempt at being (hip? relatable?) light-hearted. we can just have a serious conversation without writing about "tyrabanks.gif" in reference to rape culture.
super important information, but feels unedited and lacking in actual information. feels a lot more like an extended tweet thread than a book unfortunately.
super important information, but feels unedited and lacking in actual information. feels a lot more like an extended tweet thread than a book unfortunately.
July 13, 2024
Wow. This is one of my favorite books I've read so far this year! I'm so thankful that Emily Joy Allison took the time to write this book. She writes with such clarity and conviction, and she gave me language for things I've previously felt in my soul, but didn't have the ability to fully express. I couldn't possibly recommend it more highly!
May 14, 2025
I agree with the premise that purity culture and complementarianism are unbiblical and destructive, as evidenced by their rotten fruit in the church. Overall I'm on board with most of what the book is saying, and reading the stories of survivors was insightful.
However the way the author presents her ideas is questionable. There's so many generalizations (like that only white women fit the mold of purity culture because they aren't curvy. Like, seriously? White women can't be curvy?) Also equating monogamy and abstinence to purity culture is crazy work. I saw a review saying it's ironic that the author is writing against fundamentalism when her approach feels very black and white itself.
However the way the author presents her ideas is questionable. There's so many generalizations (like that only white women fit the mold of purity culture because they aren't curvy. Like, seriously? White women can't be curvy?) Also equating monogamy and abstinence to purity culture is crazy work. I saw a review saying it's ironic that the author is writing against fundamentalism when her approach feels very black and white itself.
March 17, 2021
With my Christian and former Christian friends, talking about purity culture seems to be a regular topic of conversation. We all have stories of really awful lessons we learned, and it’s easy to see those lessons as a form of abuse, often because of their sheer absurdity and lack of any form of truth (the “chewed gum” analogy is often brought up). But, what Emily’s book does is show, explain, argue that it wasn’t this lesson but instead the whole system of purity culture that was abusive. She’s right, but even for those that left the church like myself, sometimes it’s hard to admit the whole system is one of abuse because you don’t want to confront something so massive in scope.
Even though so many of my friends and myself have made progress to distance ourselves from this unethical, horrible theological mark on all our lives, the section that stood out to me the most was about consent - basically how the church isn’t even equipped to teach it. I’m going to have so many new conversations about this book because of how incredible it is and how it forces you to view the issue as more pervasive than simply a few bad lessons.
If you’re a former church/Christian school kid, you should read this. Whether or not you still believe isn’t really important. You can find comfort in this book, and hopefully address ways of finding your ability to cope with the abuses you inevitably endured.
Even though so many of my friends and myself have made progress to distance ourselves from this unethical, horrible theological mark on all our lives, the section that stood out to me the most was about consent - basically how the church isn’t even equipped to teach it. I’m going to have so many new conversations about this book because of how incredible it is and how it forces you to view the issue as more pervasive than simply a few bad lessons.
If you’re a former church/Christian school kid, you should read this. Whether or not you still believe isn’t really important. You can find comfort in this book, and hopefully address ways of finding your ability to cope with the abuses you inevitably endured.
September 17, 2021
Allison's critiques of purity culture are often right on point. Here writing and argumentation are often excellent. And this is the most trauma-aware book I've read on this subject so far, which is a huge plus. My main critique is that her definition of "purity culture" gets too broad in some instances. In one sense, she wants purity culture to be a recent phenomenon (I agree), but she also very often equates "purity culture" with a historic Christian sexual ethic. To me, you can't have it both ways. If she wants to reject the historic Christian sexual ethic, that's just fine––truly. But saying that *any* teaching that commends abstinence or marital monogamy is a toxic instance of purity culture doesn't hold water to me. I found this especially disappointing considering her openness to people "finding their own path" after deconstructing purity culture. Some people may find safety and healing in holding onto a historic Christian ethic, but this doesn't seem to be something that Allison is open to. Ironically for someone so opposed to fundamentalism, I found her unflinching stance against premarital abstinence kind of... fundamentalist. All that being said, I found this to be easily one of the strongest works deconstructing sexual dysfunction in the evangelical church.
April 29, 2023
A truly powerful book. I'm building something like a curriculum for my fundamentalist family; this will be one of the first in the list.
I really related to Emily's story of finding her sexuality with my experience of finding my gender. It can be discouraging and invalidating to hear so many stories where people knew from a very young age and were able to be vocal and adamant about their queerness where in my experience, because of the religious and sexual abuse and trauma, queerness was never even a consideration no matter how many queer thoughts and desires bubbled up through the chasms between my body, mind, and emotions. I also believe it was a way I protected myself from my family and community. If I had understood myself then and tried to come out, I don't know that I would have survived.
But I am a survivor and this book really is a love letter to us 💕
I really related to Emily's story of finding her sexuality with my experience of finding my gender. It can be discouraging and invalidating to hear so many stories where people knew from a very young age and were able to be vocal and adamant about their queerness where in my experience, because of the religious and sexual abuse and trauma, queerness was never even a consideration no matter how many queer thoughts and desires bubbled up through the chasms between my body, mind, and emotions. I also believe it was a way I protected myself from my family and community. If I had understood myself then and tried to come out, I don't know that I would have survived.
But I am a survivor and this book really is a love letter to us 💕
August 24, 2024
This was frustrating to read mainly bc the author spent far too long on her own story, when I feel like there was a lot more wisdom to learn from others.
August 13, 2023
2.5 stars
There’s a lot of truth in this book, especially on how the American church has protected predators rather than the people they hurt. I am 100% on board with the fact that there needs to be a reckoning with the rotten fruits of certain teachings and theologies, and a house-cleaning too of leaders/teachers who were respected and considered “of God” but who have either preyed on the flock themselves or else protected the wolves rather than the sheep. It’s wrong and needs to stop. I also understand the author’s point that the way the church relates to LGBTQ+ people has made them more vulnerable to abuse and made it more difficult to disclose. (I just read another book, Heavy Burdens, related to ways LGBTQ+ people are hurt by the church, that I highly recommend.)
However, I have one significant point of disagreement with this author that bumped down my personal rating for the book. I agree (and personally experienced) that purity culture caused a LOT of harm. One of my favorite books on that topic, The Great Sex Rescue by Shelia Wray Gregoire, was published around the same time as this book and does a great job talking about healthier teaching to replace the toxic stuff. However, in this book, author Emily Joy Allison defines purity culture as basically including *any* teaching that limits your sexual experience (such as waiting until marriage for sex), and says that if you are encouraging sex to be within marriage then you are perpetuating purity culture. Personally, having grown up within it and being very aware of the harm it caused, I see a massive difference between 1) “Your value/worth is in your virginity; you’re damaged goods if you ever have sex even once before marriage; wait until marriage and then everything will be awesome with no problems; sex is a need for men that women will never understand; men will go as far as you let them, so it’s your job to stop them; women are responsible for men’s lust” and all the other problematic teachings of purity culture, and 2) an approach that sees value in focusing your sexual experience on one life partner, yet doesn’t see your life as over or your worth diminished if you don’t (whether by choice or by force), that is realistic about the experience of sex in marriage and the waxing/waning seasons of it rather than treating it like an endless reward for male desire, and that puts responsibility for lust and self-control where it needs to be.
I simply disagree with the author that valuing sex within marriage, by itself, equals purity culture, and that is a major tenet of her book. I would agree with a lot more of what she says if our definitions of purity culture were the same, but I don’t agree with hers and know (because she says so) that she doesn’t agree with mine. I could see this was a problem early on in the book, but finished it anyways because I want to remain open to authors I may disagree with.
There’s a lot of truth in this book, especially on how the American church has protected predators rather than the people they hurt. I am 100% on board with the fact that there needs to be a reckoning with the rotten fruits of certain teachings and theologies, and a house-cleaning too of leaders/teachers who were respected and considered “of God” but who have either preyed on the flock themselves or else protected the wolves rather than the sheep. It’s wrong and needs to stop. I also understand the author’s point that the way the church relates to LGBTQ+ people has made them more vulnerable to abuse and made it more difficult to disclose. (I just read another book, Heavy Burdens, related to ways LGBTQ+ people are hurt by the church, that I highly recommend.)
However, I have one significant point of disagreement with this author that bumped down my personal rating for the book. I agree (and personally experienced) that purity culture caused a LOT of harm. One of my favorite books on that topic, The Great Sex Rescue by Shelia Wray Gregoire, was published around the same time as this book and does a great job talking about healthier teaching to replace the toxic stuff. However, in this book, author Emily Joy Allison defines purity culture as basically including *any* teaching that limits your sexual experience (such as waiting until marriage for sex), and says that if you are encouraging sex to be within marriage then you are perpetuating purity culture. Personally, having grown up within it and being very aware of the harm it caused, I see a massive difference between 1) “Your value/worth is in your virginity; you’re damaged goods if you ever have sex even once before marriage; wait until marriage and then everything will be awesome with no problems; sex is a need for men that women will never understand; men will go as far as you let them, so it’s your job to stop them; women are responsible for men’s lust” and all the other problematic teachings of purity culture, and 2) an approach that sees value in focusing your sexual experience on one life partner, yet doesn’t see your life as over or your worth diminished if you don’t (whether by choice or by force), that is realistic about the experience of sex in marriage and the waxing/waning seasons of it rather than treating it like an endless reward for male desire, and that puts responsibility for lust and self-control where it needs to be.
I simply disagree with the author that valuing sex within marriage, by itself, equals purity culture, and that is a major tenet of her book. I would agree with a lot more of what she says if our definitions of purity culture were the same, but I don’t agree with hers and know (because she says so) that she doesn’t agree with mine. I could see this was a problem early on in the book, but finished it anyways because I want to remain open to authors I may disagree with.
May 1, 2024
Ouch.
I am so troubled by this book. So much to think about.
On the one hand, her deconstruction of purity culture is excellent. The personal stories she includes are heart-breaking. I appreciate that she tackled complementarianism to some extent, and those resources at the end of the book are a great addition! Her savage take-down of sexual predators within the church is perfection. But she also savagely takes down everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING else: morality, faith, ethical sex, the church, the Bible, history--she throws it all out. At one point she even says, "The baby MUST be thrown out with the bathwater." Well, you certainly did that, Ms. Allison.
I'm not sure who this book's audience is supposed to be. As it stands, it reads as a very angsty, hip memoir, with lots of hashtags but not much science, statistics, or study behind it. She's a big fan of making sweeping, dogmatic statements and then saying, "I'm not going to waste time explaining this, but other people have and you can Google it." It's ironic that in her war against fundamentalism, she comes across as pretty fundamental herself in her authoritarian, obdurate stance against monogamy and premarital abstinence.
This book certainly brings up a lot of good questions and things to think about--I just wish it was better researched and looked at the situation from multiple points of view. Some practical solutions would have been helpful, too. The author has written an entire book about how wrong and harmful the Church's way of approaching sex is (100% agree), but any time an alternate approach is presented, she says, "No! Not like that!" but offers nothing else by way of solutions. I would recommend Sheila Wray Gregoire's books and Zachary Wagner's Non-toxic Masculinity as better-researched (especially Gregoire's), more just, middle-of-the-road books on the subject.
I am so troubled by this book. So much to think about.
On the one hand, her deconstruction of purity culture is excellent. The personal stories she includes are heart-breaking. I appreciate that she tackled complementarianism to some extent, and those resources at the end of the book are a great addition! Her savage take-down of sexual predators within the church is perfection. But she also savagely takes down everything, and I do mean EVERYTHING else: morality, faith, ethical sex, the church, the Bible, history--she throws it all out. At one point she even says, "The baby MUST be thrown out with the bathwater." Well, you certainly did that, Ms. Allison.
I'm not sure who this book's audience is supposed to be. As it stands, it reads as a very angsty, hip memoir, with lots of hashtags but not much science, statistics, or study behind it. She's a big fan of making sweeping, dogmatic statements and then saying, "I'm not going to waste time explaining this, but other people have and you can Google it." It's ironic that in her war against fundamentalism, she comes across as pretty fundamental herself in her authoritarian, obdurate stance against monogamy and premarital abstinence.
This book certainly brings up a lot of good questions and things to think about--I just wish it was better researched and looked at the situation from multiple points of view. Some practical solutions would have been helpful, too. The author has written an entire book about how wrong and harmful the Church's way of approaching sex is (100% agree), but any time an alternate approach is presented, she says, "No! Not like that!" but offers nothing else by way of solutions. I would recommend Sheila Wray Gregoire's books and Zachary Wagner's Non-toxic Masculinity as better-researched (especially Gregoire's), more just, middle-of-the-road books on the subject.
August 8, 2023
“By the time I started getting into relationships as an adult, I had shut off all connections to my own sexuality. I had fully internalized the message given to me by my family and my church that what I wanted was irrelevant at best and deadly at worst. The idea to be interested in or date women would never have occurred to me during that time because my decisions were based not on desire or curiosity but rather on what was acceptable based on the narrow interpretation of Scripture I had been taught. It’s not so much that I was stuffing any desires down consciously; it was more that the connection between my body and my mind had been severed long before I ever had my first boyfriend or my first kiss. Purity culture created and then reinforced that disconnect, making me feel like I was a better person than my friends for being able to resist temptation so valiantly. But the truth is, I simply didn’t know what I wanted because I’d never been given the freedom to consider my own desires.”
well reader i cried
April 28, 2021
A must read for anyone in or in proximity to the church. Emily outlines the very important connections between purity culture, complimentarianism, and church culture or the 90s and 2000s and the large amount of abuse cases within the American church. She also touches on why abuse is not reported correctly within churches and how to combat this issue. A quick and important read.
July 27, 2021
It took me a while to get through this due to the content that is especially triggering for me. A couple of thoughts:
1. The subject is 100% worth reading and reflecting on. While the Catholic Church gets most of the heat for protecting sexual predators, the Protestant/evangelical church is just as insidious (just not as hierarchical). This book examines not only the protection and dismissal of sexual predators in the church, but the environment and ideology that makes this community ripe for abuse.
(Sexual shame, lack of sex education, harmful gendered messages, lack of accountability, and the conflation between sin & a crime etc.)
2. The writing was a bit inconsistent, the lens of who the intended reader reader is switching from chapter to chapter. It was redundant about some topics, while not giving enough weight to others.
1. The subject is 100% worth reading and reflecting on. While the Catholic Church gets most of the heat for protecting sexual predators, the Protestant/evangelical church is just as insidious (just not as hierarchical). This book examines not only the protection and dismissal of sexual predators in the church, but the environment and ideology that makes this community ripe for abuse.
(Sexual shame, lack of sex education, harmful gendered messages, lack of accountability, and the conflation between sin & a crime etc.)
2. The writing was a bit inconsistent, the lens of who the intended reader reader is switching from chapter to chapter. It was redundant about some topics, while not giving enough weight to others.
November 22, 2021
“…purity culture, contra claims, doesn’t actually teach young people to say no. It just teaches them to say nothing. Teaching them to say no would be teaching them to hold a personal boundary. And it’s dangerous to teach people whose obedience you are trying to ensure, especially young women, to hold personal boundaries. If you teach someone to say no, the next thing you know, they might be saying yes because they might think they deserve to have a say in what happens to them. Far safer to get them to say nothing at all.”
I mean. 5 stars obviously.
I mean. 5 stars obviously.
May 3, 2025
“…How to find healing.”
March 15, 2024
For anyone who grew up surrounded by the toxic purity culture and looking to deconstruct, this book is a must. Emily has researched, interviewed, and thoughtfully engaged with and for all manner of survivors.
For those looking to separate the church’s teachings and doctrines from the debauchery and sexualized violence of its clergy and leaders— this book is not for you.
For anyone looking for a safe space to grieve and heal and learn to love yourself and openly express your sexuality and stop repressing your true self— this book is for you.
For anyone in search of explanations, justification, or forgiveness of those in authority who weaponized their position as a religious leader to prey on their “flock”— this book is not for you.
For those of you for believe a sin and a crime is the same and therefore the biblical pattern for restoration applied… this book is not for you.
I’m not sure what I expected when I started #ChurchToo. But I knew I had been lied to, and damaged by the harsh lines that purity culture drew for me as a teenager and young woman. From Joshua Harris and Josh McDowell and Doug Wilson— courtship, complementarianism, and the “umbrella” analogy shifted my worldview to make me believe I was less because of my gender and genitalia.
This book is a must for anyone who has been lied to about their value and their worth inside of and outside of the church and I will never stop recommending it to every person I know who has begun their deconstruction and reclaiming their own life.
For those looking to separate the church’s teachings and doctrines from the debauchery and sexualized violence of its clergy and leaders— this book is not for you.
For anyone looking for a safe space to grieve and heal and learn to love yourself and openly express your sexuality and stop repressing your true self— this book is for you.
For anyone in search of explanations, justification, or forgiveness of those in authority who weaponized their position as a religious leader to prey on their “flock”— this book is not for you.
For those of you for believe a sin and a crime is the same and therefore the biblical pattern for restoration applied… this book is not for you.
I’m not sure what I expected when I started #ChurchToo. But I knew I had been lied to, and damaged by the harsh lines that purity culture drew for me as a teenager and young woman. From Joshua Harris and Josh McDowell and Doug Wilson— courtship, complementarianism, and the “umbrella” analogy shifted my worldview to make me believe I was less because of my gender and genitalia.
This book is a must for anyone who has been lied to about their value and their worth inside of and outside of the church and I will never stop recommending it to every person I know who has begun their deconstruction and reclaiming their own life.
March 9, 2021
#ChurchToo is incredibly needed, thoughtfully written, and is hard to put down because you read truth rarely spoken on every page. As a lesbian who grew up in an intense evangelical sect and who also attended a Christian college, #ChurchToo was like reading a biography of my own religious trauma and was like balm on my raw wounds. I want to give this book to everyone. If you have experience in white evangelical America, it can be a very isolating experience and this book will truly make you say #MeToo.
March 26, 2021
The book that the Christian Church needs to read! While I did not grow up in a strictly purity culture church, it was still influenced by that mentality. This book helps unpack some of those ideas for both survivors and those who have learned such toxic ideas alike.
A lot of great research while still being easy to read, Emily Joy Allison tackles a difficult subject with grace and even occasionally a bit of humor. Strongly recommend to anyone who works in a church, especially with youth, or to anyone who has the displeasure of being told they need to remain pure.
A lot of great research while still being easy to read, Emily Joy Allison tackles a difficult subject with grace and even occasionally a bit of humor. Strongly recommend to anyone who works in a church, especially with youth, or to anyone who has the displeasure of being told they need to remain pure.
June 2, 2022
I'm not one for long reviews, but I recommend this book to anyone who's grown up under purity culture in a church setting. The author relays stories I remember all too well growing up that kept me in mental bondage as an adult. I felt heard when I read this book. I felt like I was never and am not crazy. The things I experienced were real things and God is not in the business of any of it. Thank you for writing this Emily.
February 23, 2021
Heartbreaking though it is that this book needed to have been written, Emily wrote it exquisitely. Well-researched but not pedantic, welcoming to reader-survivors & simultaneously scathing to their abusers, enablers, & cynics, this book takes off at the intersection of the #metoo movement & purity culture to call out the ways Christian spaces allow abuse to thrive. It is timely, comprehensive even though it could never be all-encompassing, & sincerely jarring. It places on those of us with great privilege the onus to make use of its message & methods, while cultivating hope for an age in which survivors of sexualized violence are believed, defended, & rendered justice. This is a vital read for anyone raised in the weeds of purity culture.
January 17, 2022
This has been hard to read, but I I feel like it is important to read. I grew up Catholic and remember bits and pieces of purity culture. I feel like I have learned a lot from this book. I only knew what happened in the Catholic Church and not other denominations. I feel like this is going to be helpful for survivors. I know this is a very hard thing for people to talk about, but it shows people that they aren't alone. I just hope that the conversation can remain open about this because it's badly needed. Also she is so right about the lack of sexual education.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
February 24, 2022
I grew up in a conservative Christian church during the heyday of the purity movement. I had never connected the purity movements teachings with the patriarchal system and how that’s a recipe for disaster when it comes to sexual assault.
I’m not in 100% agreement with the author. She says that you either teach the purity movement or you don’t and anything with a hint of purity movement is just abuse. I think it’s a lot more nuanced than that. I think there are such things as sexual ethics, but am still learning and shifting so maybe I’ll land where she does and maybe I won’t.
I appreciate her attention to consent and learning to love and trust your body.
I’m not in 100% agreement with the author. She says that you either teach the purity movement or you don’t and anything with a hint of purity movement is just abuse. I think it’s a lot more nuanced than that. I think there are such things as sexual ethics, but am still learning and shifting so maybe I’ll land where she does and maybe I won’t.
I appreciate her attention to consent and learning to love and trust your body.
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