Hey! I'm the author of this book. I'm not sure if this is customary on Goodreads but I thought I would leave a review of my thought process behind writing Bleak. Feel free to let me know if there is a more ideal way to do this on this platform. When I was in elementary school, I was playing a soccer game at recess. One of my classmates yelled out that, “anyone who doesn’t want to be on Ben’s team should come to mine.” Everyone left. I was alone against my entire class and a thought entered my mind. “If life was this bad at 11 years old, how will it ever get any better?”
It had been a bad year. I was constantly targeted in the hallways and playground. I sat at the girl’s lunch table to avoid the targeted abuse I received every time I sat at the boys table. It was a daily struggle to survive.
I was fortunate enough to have parents who intervened. They got me to what was unofficially known as a “last chance” charter school for three years. I spent a lot of that time healing. I lived in constant fear that it was going to happen all over again. That someone would find out I was weird, or a born loser, and then I’d be all alone. For the next year I wore a backwards hat and glasses to hide my face, out of worry that if someone saw me, they’d know I was a loser. It took a while, but eventually I accepted and embraced the fact that I was different. I was weird, and the reality that I was never going to be accepted by some people. It gave me a renewed perspective when I eventually did return to a public high school.
But I never forgot that feeling of being alone, and what I couldn’t shake is that when I did open up to an adult in my elementary school, I was told “bullying did not happen here.” This abuse, something I faced every single day, was denied to have even existed. What recourse did an 11 year old even have in that situation? I never had a chance to be heard at that school — I didn’t even have a place I could go. What I couldn’t let go of were the kids who weren’t lucky enough to leave their situations. It was that realization that made me want to create something.
At eighth grade. I watched The Breakfast Club and realized I wanted to write a book inspired from my experiences. The question I had after the Breakfast Club was what would happen the Monday after that detention? I had a sinking feeling that Monday Morning would break apart the Breakfast Club under the weight of their high school’s pseudosociety.
In high school, I read The Chocolate War — and Robert Cormier’s work rocked my world. I realized that I wanted to write a book about that critiqued the systems that allowed and encouraged the bullying that happened in schools every day. I didn’t want the antagonist of the book to be a student, but the system that ignored and encouraged the targeted abuse that students receive every day to maintain the order of the school. As I grew older, the abusive environment that thrived in my elementary school also existed in workplaces, non-profits, and universities around the world. As a cashier at my college dining hall, I began working on my novel through unused pieces of receipt paper during dead times in my college dorm (6-8am). I wrote 20 chapters of my book on hundreds of unused receipts - I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I owed it to my past self to finish this book. Bleak became heavily shaped by William Mastrosimone’s Bang Bang You’re Dead, Laurie Halse Anderson’s Speak, John Green’s Looking for Alaska, and the works of Langston Hughes. 16 years after I stood alone on that soccer field, I finally held my novel in my hands.
If any student today is wondering is now in the position that I once was, and wondering if their life can ever get any better, it is my hope above all else that Bleak can be a light in their world.