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Horror's Call
Call of the Crocodile
A dark fantasy horror novel, set during Halloween. After a boy is eaten alive by a crocodile, his family begins a descent into madness and terror in this odyssey of modern horror.
Part of a series of interconnected horror novels that can be read in any order. Each book serves as a stand alone story, yet builds a greater picture behind a sinister mystery in Chicago.
Part of a series of interconnected horror novels that can be read in any order. Each book serves as a stand alone story, yet builds a greater picture behind a sinister mystery in Chicago.
228 pages, Kindle Edition
Published September 28, 2020
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1977 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 30 of 62 reviews
May 7, 2021
I find it easy enough to conceptualize a person who wants to write a book, but who just doesn't understand grammar or spelling sufficiently to do so. It's harder for me to put myself in the mindset of someone that doesn't understand the basics of writing, yet puts together a "novel" despite this fact. What completely baffles me, however, is the idea of someone who writes such a "novel" and is so delusional that he not only publishes it, but furthermore shills it constantly, trying to swindle people into actually paying money for his unreadable tripe. Yet F. Gardner is such a person.
Take a look at the free sample provided by Amazon and you will see that Gardner, buffoon that he is, managed to include a typo in the very first paragraph of this book ("riffle," when he clearly meant to write "rifle"). To prove that this is not an isolated incident, the second paragraph contains an error as well ("ready's his aim" should be "readies his aim"). Scroll at random to any paragraph in the free sample and you've got better than even odds that it contains something objectively incorrect. And all that's putting aside the garbage quality of the writing generally, even where Gardner manages to string some words together without falling flat on his face. Any positive review of any of Gardner’s books must be the product of Gardner himself, someone he’s paid, or someone just doing it for the memes.
There are so many books out there; you have no reason in the world to read this one. Choose something at random off of Project Gutenberg and I guarantee that it will be an improvement. Even if you pick something that is written in some language you don’t speak, you’re better off reading that than wasting a single second on this dreck. 1/5, and I wish the Goodreads rating system allowed me to go lower.
Take a look at the free sample provided by Amazon and you will see that Gardner, buffoon that he is, managed to include a typo in the very first paragraph of this book ("riffle," when he clearly meant to write "rifle"). To prove that this is not an isolated incident, the second paragraph contains an error as well ("ready's his aim" should be "readies his aim"). Scroll at random to any paragraph in the free sample and you've got better than even odds that it contains something objectively incorrect. And all that's putting aside the garbage quality of the writing generally, even where Gardner manages to string some words together without falling flat on his face. Any positive review of any of Gardner’s books must be the product of Gardner himself, someone he’s paid, or someone just doing it for the memes.
There are so many books out there; you have no reason in the world to read this one. Choose something at random off of Project Gutenberg and I guarantee that it will be an improvement. Even if you pick something that is written in some language you don’t speak, you’re better off reading that than wasting a single second on this dreck. 1/5, and I wish the Goodreads rating system allowed me to go lower.
February 8, 2021
Formerly Chuck's
May 7, 2021
I finally got around to reading the homegrown legend of /lit/- F. Gardner’s Call of the Crocodile.
The Horror's Call series should be seen as a monumental effortpost. A /lit/izen actually knuckled down and wrote a series of books, which is pretty cool. While a little rough around the edges (typos, syntax errors, weird commas everywhere) the plot is more or less enjoyable. Pleasantly reminiscent of an 80s horror movie, Call of the Crocodile weaves family tragedy, psychological torment, and... biblical allusions into an entertaining read.
I would like to thank F. Gardner for actually sending me physical copies of his books. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of the Horror’s Call series and whatever else he may come up with in the future.
The Horror's Call series should be seen as a monumental effortpost. A /lit/izen actually knuckled down and wrote a series of books, which is pretty cool. While a little rough around the edges (typos, syntax errors, weird commas everywhere) the plot is more or less enjoyable. Pleasantly reminiscent of an 80s horror movie, Call of the Crocodile weaves family tragedy, psychological torment, and... biblical allusions into an entertaining read.
I would like to thank F. Gardner for actually sending me physical copies of his books. I’m looking forward to reading the rest of the Horror’s Call series and whatever else he may come up with in the future.
May 3, 2022
I don’t know what’s dumber, this book or me for falling for an evil ruse and reading it.
May 14, 2022
Unsurprisingly for a book memed by 4chan, this is a self-published draft that was never read before publication. The grammar is non-existent, while the punctuation is abundant and nonsensical. The story lacks focus and consistency. The author refuses to let any of his research go to waste so he explains every single thing he found out. The most interesting part of the book is the schizophrenic discussion on message boards regarding it.
May 5, 2022
I was got by the memes 😭 I've never felt more of a fool than I did when I finished reading this book. I only finished it because it was a present. Easily the worst thing I've ever read. One star is too much. I never leave bad reviews but if I can save even one more person from wasting their time on this, it will have been worth it.
February 24, 2021
This is really good, especially I liked the ending with Dracula's castle.
April 4, 2022
The worst writing. Too, many, commas.
Dont. I don't care how good the plot is supposed to be.
Dont. I don't care how good the plot is supposed to be.
May 9, 2022
This is the worst book I've ever set my eyes upon in my entire life.
April 22, 2022
I'm a new reader. The most I can confidently say about writing style now, is "this book old, this book not old." This book is not only written horribly, has spelling errors everywhere, has grammatical errors so common and obviously incorrect the only logical explanation is that it's on purpose, and extremely repetitive dialogue and themes that get annoying very fast, it's not even fun.
I was expecting this to be bad. But I was expecting charmingly bad. I mean look at the cover! That's adorable! And it was. For about six, seven pages. Then it got old. This reads like an eight year old just listened to a psa about alcoholism and wrote this. Very obviously a dnf. Before page 40. Yeah.
I was expecting this to be bad. But I was expecting charmingly bad. I mean look at the cover! That's adorable! And it was. For about six, seven pages. Then it got old. This reads like an eight year old just listened to a psa about alcoholism and wrote this. Very obviously a dnf. Before page 40. Yeah.
August 13, 2021
Master's piece, a beautiful and tense book, thorough and through. The author blends simple cliche's from the pop-horror literature and the ancestral fear of crocodiles.
SPOILIGATOR ALERT! The book throws a plethora of existential questions at the reader, who, in the frenzy of action, is not able to capture at first glass. For instance, the characters created by Peter are self-aware of their existence and non-existence, and are serprenditely thrown in a maddening state of mind in a brief span of a few pages. The theme of (non-)existence and awareness enters the scene so fast that the characters don't even have the time to contemplate what it means to be real before they go so mad to pull an 'ol abrakadalligator on Peter. The horror of the alligator was also an existential reference to Sigmoid Fraud, who wished he could eat his mother's pussy). Cannibalism is bad, but it's even butter when you eat yourself. It's a clear reference to the cannibalistic behavior of the self, as identified by Fraud, who has to eat itself to renew itself and survive in the fate of adversary. Finally, classical takes on these themes are also offered in the form of simple cameos from historical figures such as Dracula (the author confided to me that it's an ass'oanance to crocodile, he thought to call it 'The Dracudile'), in a seamless ways.
An unconditional, uncompromised, unnerving yet unmatched, uncredible take on the plague of existentialism in a compact and direct horror. Absolute masterpeas.
SPOILIGATOR ALERT! The book throws a plethora of existential questions at the reader, who, in the frenzy of action, is not able to capture at first glass. For instance, the characters created by Peter are self-aware of their existence and non-existence, and are serprenditely thrown in a maddening state of mind in a brief span of a few pages. The theme of (non-)existence and awareness enters the scene so fast that the characters don't even have the time to contemplate what it means to be real before they go so mad to pull an 'ol abrakadalligator on Peter. The horror of the alligator was also an existential reference to Sigmoid Fraud, who wished he could eat his mother's pussy). Cannibalism is bad, but it's even butter when you eat yourself. It's a clear reference to the cannibalistic behavior of the self, as identified by Fraud, who has to eat itself to renew itself and survive in the fate of adversary. Finally, classical takes on these themes are also offered in the form of simple cameos from historical figures such as Dracula (the author confided to me that it's an ass'oanance to crocodile, he thought to call it 'The Dracudile'), in a seamless ways.
An unconditional, uncompromised, unnerving yet unmatched, uncredible take on the plague of existentialism in a compact and direct horror. Absolute masterpeas.
May 19, 2022
There are a lot of reviews on this page that don't really "GET" this book.
They say: "His writing style is infantile" "The plot makes no sense" etc. etc.
They are missing the point.
They don't understand that Frank Gardner is using a writing style inherited from Dante to encrypt the text with further context and superior knowledge leading to revelations a la ancient gnosis.
I've personally found myself transformed reading this work, find it in your heart to read this so that you may experience a change you'd only have a chance to experience otherwise through 50 years of advanced spiritual praxis.
A personal experience of mine after reading this book:
I was walking around town after finishing this book. The people around me looked at me. They didn't just look at me because I was handsome, tall, dark, rich, ripped (huge muscles) etc. they looked at me in a different way. A way that betrayed fear, bewilderment and sometimes love.
They all asked me; what are you?
Are you a God? Are you some sort of avatar? Are you a spirit? Surely you are not of this world?
I knew what had happened then!
I told them...
Friends, thanks to Gardner, what I am, is merely awake.
As Gardner would say, as the BURNING BUSH screamed!
I AM THAT I AM! Thank you FRANK GARDNER!
I implore you, for the sake of not only yourself but all humanity, read this book.
They say: "His writing style is infantile" "The plot makes no sense" etc. etc.
They are missing the point.
They don't understand that Frank Gardner is using a writing style inherited from Dante to encrypt the text with further context and superior knowledge leading to revelations a la ancient gnosis.
I've personally found myself transformed reading this work, find it in your heart to read this so that you may experience a change you'd only have a chance to experience otherwise through 50 years of advanced spiritual praxis.
A personal experience of mine after reading this book:
I was walking around town after finishing this book. The people around me looked at me. They didn't just look at me because I was handsome, tall, dark, rich, ripped (huge muscles) etc. they looked at me in a different way. A way that betrayed fear, bewilderment and sometimes love.
They all asked me; what are you?
Are you a God? Are you some sort of avatar? Are you a spirit? Surely you are not of this world?
I knew what had happened then!
I told them...
Friends, thanks to Gardner, what I am, is merely awake.
As Gardner would say, as the BURNING BUSH screamed!
I AM THAT I AM! Thank you FRANK GARDNER!
I implore you, for the sake of not only yourself but all humanity, read this book.
March 8, 2022
DNF. Do not purchase this book. All of the five star reviews are from private persons, I don't think they are real people. Luckily I was able to return this piece of garbage. Zero stars!
December 8, 2023
Second read, first review, deleted because it was, bad. CrocoCall, is a terrifying and mindblowing book! There are nightmare's, tragedie's, even foreshadowing's and other concept's due to which this book, blurs the line betwixt "horror" and "meta" and "literature" and even "cool" and "very nice indeed". The structure of the book, remind's me of an ouroboros.
"Ouroboro's". This is a word I had learned when reading the book Answer of the Alligator. It means a snake eating its own tail. It's a sign of inifity and also a man called Sisypus. It's a book with many an obscure references like "deus ex machina", "tulpa" and "metaphor".
Good!
But yeah, for real, I actually reread this on a whim, and it's a really funny book. Every time Gardner presents the reader with a concept he learned about on 4chan, he has to explain it right away to show how much he knows. I imagined it like if it was a movie and every time a character would say something like "Occam's razor" or "Boltzmann brain", a gamer-green interface would come up every time with the word, its definition, cool symbols and things like that.
The English grammar is obliterated by this book. Everyone's already talked about it, but still, how the hell do you separate the subject and main verb with a COMMA like 30% of the time? How do you write something like "...go to their bed's"? The man has to be kidding.
The plot amounts to nothing, and the ending is so bad it's even worse than everything else. But at the same time the whole thing is so naive, so cute, it's like a 12 year old learned what /lit/ and /x/ are, got fascinated and wrote a spooky book about it (as well as about other things he liked, like halloween, monsters and the Bibble). Can't help but adore it in a way.
I had some laughs, even though most of this book is boring, so I can't say it's something that nobody should read. It's short, it's sometimes fun, you can stop at chapter 21.
"Ouroboro's". This is a word I had learned when reading the book Answer of the Alligator. It means a snake eating its own tail. It's a sign of inifity and also a man called Sisypus. It's a book with many an obscure references like "deus ex machina", "tulpa" and "metaphor".
Good!
But yeah, for real, I actually reread this on a whim, and it's a really funny book. Every time Gardner presents the reader with a concept he learned about on 4chan, he has to explain it right away to show how much he knows. I imagined it like if it was a movie and every time a character would say something like "Occam's razor" or "Boltzmann brain", a gamer-green interface would come up every time with the word, its definition, cool symbols and things like that.
The English grammar is obliterated by this book. Everyone's already talked about it, but still, how the hell do you separate the subject and main verb with a COMMA like 30% of the time? How do you write something like "...go to their bed's"? The man has to be kidding.
The plot amounts to nothing, and the ending is so bad it's even worse than everything else. But at the same time the whole thing is so naive, so cute, it's like a 12 year old learned what /lit/ and /x/ are, got fascinated and wrote a spooky book about it (as well as about other things he liked, like halloween, monsters and the Bibble). Can't help but adore it in a way.
I had some laughs, even though most of this book is boring, so I can't say it's something that nobody should read. It's short, it's sometimes fun, you can stop at chapter 21.
February 24, 2022
DNF. I could handle the multiple spelling mistakes, but the punctuation, the syntax and the lack of commas after dialogue is just so bad. I could not tell whether this was intentional and a stylistic choice until I kept reading and realized that this entire novel is just not edited. The last straw was the terribly written and rushed dialogue between the characters. Could not continue it.
June 14, 2021
An amazing sneedfull book, filled me with many feeds and seeds. Formerly chucks was possibly the most amazing part about it.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
September 28, 2023
i gained 1 iq by buying this novel but consequently lost 2 iq in the course of reading it
June 4, 2022
The whole time I was reading this book I kept thinking to myself that this book is so wretchedly awful some one must have written it as a joke. I even mentioned to my partner that it was so terrible I was probably victim to some sort of 4chan meme... It turns out it was. I'm glad I finished it though as I enjoy suffering and reading this book was true suffering.
February 26, 2021
Very suspenseful
Great plot with plenty of interesting twists and turns. Looking forward to reading the rest of the series. I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys horror or suspense.
Great plot with plenty of interesting twists and turns. Looking forward to reading the rest of the series. I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys horror or suspense.
June 24, 2021
Call of the Crocodile definitely lacks polish and refinement but once you look past the constant spelling mistakes and the constant stream of commas, the story itself isn't that bad.
The story is very much a merger of 4Chan's literature (/lit/) and paranormal (/x/) boards and it provides a read that's unintentionally funny. There's also a twist at the end that was genuinely unexpected, in fact I rolled my eyes a little when it was revealed because of how /x/ it was. In fact, the twist at the end is really what pulled this book from a two star review to a low three star review.
Pseudo-intellectualism is rife in this book. Most of the characters will monologue about classical literature and it creates this weird juxtaposition where all the characters act like idiots when they're not trying to hype themselves up as being well-read intellectuals and none of it is very believable. In fact, every single character speaks in the exact same way. They all speak as if they're a fella in his 20s and it's weird because a character who's meant to be a child just sort of talks like Adam Sandler impersonating a child and there are a lot of children and they all speak like Adam Sandler impersonating a child.
To cut a long review short, this book will probably appeal to you if you actively engage with 4Chan's literature and paranormal boards. The book reads like a long creepypasta that caters to /lit/ and /x/ respectively with many themes being lost on those who don't actively browse or engage with those communities.
All in all, the book isn't the worst but I wouldn't call it great. It gets 3/5 from me but that's a very low 3/5.
The story is very much a merger of 4Chan's literature (/lit/) and paranormal (/x/) boards and it provides a read that's unintentionally funny. There's also a twist at the end that was genuinely unexpected, in fact I rolled my eyes a little when it was revealed because of how /x/ it was. In fact, the twist at the end is really what pulled this book from a two star review to a low three star review.
Pseudo-intellectualism is rife in this book. Most of the characters will monologue about classical literature and it creates this weird juxtaposition where all the characters act like idiots when they're not trying to hype themselves up as being well-read intellectuals and none of it is very believable. In fact, every single character speaks in the exact same way. They all speak as if they're a fella in his 20s and it's weird because a character who's meant to be a child just sort of talks like Adam Sandler impersonating a child and there are a lot of children and they all speak like Adam Sandler impersonating a child.
To cut a long review short, this book will probably appeal to you if you actively engage with 4Chan's literature and paranormal boards. The book reads like a long creepypasta that caters to /lit/ and /x/ respectively with many themes being lost on those who don't actively browse or engage with those communities.
All in all, the book isn't the worst but I wouldn't call it great. It gets 3/5 from me but that's a very low 3/5.
May 16, 2022
Easily the worst writing i have ever suffered through. Extremely blatant fake review bombing on this site. F. Gardner is a person lacking in both skills and morals and I hope he never finds any success
March 30, 2023
"A dark fantasy horror novel, set during Halloween. After a boy is eaten alive by a crocodile, his family begins a descent into madness and terror in this odyssey of modern horror."
November 30, 2024
I bought this in a charity bookshop for only 90 pence, and I would have said I'd been robbed, but the shop itself is excellent, so the brain-curdling experience of reading this is not their fault.
Relatively early on in the book a character is said to be:
Right there with you pal. There are indeed numerous things wrong with this book to justify unease and even apprehension. The spelling errors for one, starting with "riffle" for "rifle" in the first paragraph, as if to establish a disregard for orthography from the very first whistle.
Blithely incorrect use of words too, such as this small but representative sample:
And the kamikaze approach to punctuation is mindblowing, such as:
This last point about the punctuation was particularly vexing as there was a fleeting interlude when the plot switched - and I obviously won't say where or when or why, mostly because it really doesn't matter - and I believed the whole writing style up to that point had been a cunning ruse, a style within a style as it were, bordering even on some faux if clumsy Modernist schtick, to wrong-foot and mislead. Then the exorbitant use of typographical slop popped up again. So the period in which I was allowed to believe this book was marginally cleverer than I'd expected was vanishingly brief.
This is definitely a horror novel, it says so on the cover. But it's also a horrifying novel, in that it reads like the spew of some cavalier self-published hack who can't be bothered to edit enough to make the work respectable on even that basic level. It comes across as a first draft in pretty much every particular. As for the plot, it seemed to have one, even involving a crocodile too, but it was buried in the other muck and I'll be surprised if I can be bothered to remember it between now and three days after the heat death of the Universe.
It was a quick read, but not for the good reason. Minnie Driver's book for instance was a quick read because it was wonderful, charming and superbly written, but this was a quick read because I wanted to get it over with as swiftly as possible, as if it was infecting me with something the longer I persevered. I skimmed it more or less and feel I missed absolutely nothing, because there wasn't much to miss.
I have never given a book a 1-star rating before, because I feel if I finish a book it deserves at least 2 stars for getting me there. Even On The Road got 2 stars and that was a truly laborious slog. Change of plan today though, and I should thank Mr Gardner for allowing me a rare if not actually unique experience, that of finishing a book despite feeling for almost its entire length that I didn't remotely want to.
Relatively early on in the book a character is said to be:
eager to end the nightmare once and for all. (p. 74)
Right there with you pal. There are indeed numerous things wrong with this book to justify unease and even apprehension. The spelling errors for one, starting with "riffle" for "rifle" in the first paragraph, as if to establish a disregard for orthography from the very first whistle.
Blithely incorrect use of words too, such as this small but representative sample:
Our organisations are one in the same. (p. 211)
And the kamikaze approach to punctuation is mindblowing, such as:
He had never thought a tone of voice, could actually sound evil, before. (p.68)
This last point about the punctuation was particularly vexing as there was a fleeting interlude when the plot switched - and I obviously won't say where or when or why, mostly because it really doesn't matter - and I believed the whole writing style up to that point had been a cunning ruse, a style within a style as it were, bordering even on some faux if clumsy Modernist schtick, to wrong-foot and mislead. Then the exorbitant use of typographical slop popped up again. So the period in which I was allowed to believe this book was marginally cleverer than I'd expected was vanishingly brief.
This is definitely a horror novel, it says so on the cover. But it's also a horrifying novel, in that it reads like the spew of some cavalier self-published hack who can't be bothered to edit enough to make the work respectable on even that basic level. It comes across as a first draft in pretty much every particular. As for the plot, it seemed to have one, even involving a crocodile too, but it was buried in the other muck and I'll be surprised if I can be bothered to remember it between now and three days after the heat death of the Universe.
It was a quick read, but not for the good reason. Minnie Driver's book for instance was a quick read because it was wonderful, charming and superbly written, but this was a quick read because I wanted to get it over with as swiftly as possible, as if it was infecting me with something the longer I persevered. I skimmed it more or less and feel I missed absolutely nothing, because there wasn't much to miss.
I have never given a book a 1-star rating before, because I feel if I finish a book it deserves at least 2 stars for getting me there. Even On The Road got 2 stars and that was a truly laborious slog. Change of plan today though, and I should thank Mr Gardner for allowing me a rare if not actually unique experience, that of finishing a book despite feeling for almost its entire length that I didn't remotely want to.
August 8, 2022
I am not actually finished but this book is too painful and inconsistent to read.
February 26, 2021
A unique style with a genuine approach. One of the best pieces of pulp horror and better than most books written nowadays.
June 17, 2023
My favorite part was when the crocodile said "it's Morbin' time" and proceeded to Morb all over Hitler
August 7, 2022
F. Gardner is a pioneer of innovation in his craft. He gracefully defies stuffy literary conventions while pushing the boundaries of the readers comprehension. Call of the Crocodile is a bold rebellion against traditional literature: The characters are written masterfully, the dialogue disarmingly unassuming, and the presentation will keep you constantly on your toes. With Call of the Crocodile, you never know what to expect next. F. Gardner if you can imagine it, is a mix of Kierkegaard, M. Night Shyamalan, and Andy Warhol all rolled into one force of literary means of production. If you're a fan of deconstructionism and subverting expectations this is a must read; Practically ALL expectations are subverted. Some authors (*cough* KING) unceremoniously fall flat on their face at the ending of their stories, but the entry by this author unveils one of the most unexpected plot twists that I've ever encountered at the ending of a book. A must read for the adventurous, I can only hope that when the inevitable audio version comes out that Christopher Walken will be bold enough to step up to the plate as the narrator.
October 29, 2021
I enjoyed my time with this book. It was a meme book, and the lack of any editing whatsoever is reprehensible, but the goofiness of it and the imaginativeness makes you feel like maybe you could write a meme book, self publish, and advertise on 4chan, too!
Displaying 1 - 30 of 62 reviews