Jak skutecznie bronić się przed socjopatami

by Martha Stout

Socjopaci są wśród nas.

Kryją się w naszym otoczeniu, doskonale zakamuflowani i z pozoru niewinni. Socjopatą może się okazać szef lub kolega z pracy, obecny lub były partner, ktoś nękający cię w Internecie, a nawet twoje dziecko. Socjopaci wciągają cię w swoje gry i karmią się twoją niepewnością, gniewem i strachem. Są dla ciebie realnym zagrożeniem.

Ukrytych drapieżców jest tak wielu, że prawdopodobnie spotykasz ich każdego dnia.

Psycholożka kliniczna Martha Stout przez wiele lat studiowała umysły socjopatów oraz metody, którymi się posługują, aby niszczyć swoje ofiary. W swojej książce opisuje przypadki, które budzą grozę: pozbawione skrupułów dzieci, degeneratów w zawodach zaufania publicznego, byłych małżonków bezwzględnie walczących o prawo do opieki oraz nieuchwytnych cyberprześladowców. Diagnozuje nawet całe korporacje i instytucje, które stosują schematy socjopatycznych zachowań wobec swoich klientów.

Stout wykorzystuje swoją imponującą wiedzę, żeby opracować skuteczną strategię obrony przed pozbawionymi sumienia drapieżcami. Uświadamia czytelnikom, jak łatwo wpaść w zastawione przez socjopatów pułapki i dać się wciągnąć w sieć intryg, z których nie sposób się wyplątać. Pokazuje, co możesz zrobić, by zachować spokój i nie ulegać emocjom, które tylko napędzają twoich prześladowców. Dzięki tej książce dowiesz się, jak nie dać się sprowokować i nie wpaść w ich sidła.

Nowa książka autorki bestsellera Socjopaci są wśród nas uświadamia, że w świecie pełnym oszustów, księży pedofilów i bezwzględnych szefów musimy wiedzieć, jak myślą socjopaci i jak skutecznie się przed nimi bronić.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Self Help, True Crime, Mental Health, Audiobook, Science

320 pages, Paperback

First published April 21, 2020

About the author

Author and Ph.D. in psychology.

Reviews

[Wanda Pedersen · Rating 3 out of 5]

My family has experienced dealing with a man without a conscience, so I am drawn to books like these. Trying to avoid future trouble, I suppose. I suspect that my paternal grandfather fit the bill as well, making his granddaughters susceptible to hooking up with similar men because it feels familiar. There's a reason I never married—having watched both of my younger sisters struggle to divest themselves of abusive husbands, I was cured of that desire. Because I'm pretty sure that my judgement is just as impaired.

I found the brain structure argument for sociopathy to be intriguing. That one part of the brain doesn't progress to completion in the fetus, resulting in a person unable to empathize or care about others. It will be interesting to see if this idea is supported by future research. I also saw the logic in stating that sociopathy is a lacking, a hole in the psyche, rather than a chosen evil. It doesn't make the behaviour of the sociopath excusable, but it does explain it somewhat. It kind of answers that most common of questions, why?

Just as your life is organized around the desire to be close to other people, a sociopathic life is organized around a need to control, frighten, and elicit obedience. To accomplish this is to “win,” and, for the loveless mind, winning is all there is. Hence the author's advice for getting free: be boring. This may require Academy Award winning performances, but the sociopath sees no need to be truthful, so why should those dealing with him or her? If the perpetrator gets no response to his gambits, the “game" loses its savour.

We should treasure our abilities to love, to be friends, and to have a satisfying emotional life. Although we may eventually feel compassion for the sociopathic, it should be felt at a distance in order to protect ourselves and our loved ones.

[Louise · Rating 4 out of 5]

Dr. Martha Stout does a very good job of describing the sociopath. There are examples throughout the book. There is a good comparison of the sociopath and the narcissist. The reader will not learn much about outsmarting sociopaths, but will get a better understanding of the situation of their victims and some good advice.

It is hard for normal people to fathom how someone can take pleasure from the pain of others, but brain research confirms its biological cause. Children born with the brain configuration described by Stout will scheme to hurt others because it gives them pleasure. They will continue this through adulthood. They select vulnerable targets and can cunningly disguise their character from those not targeted.

Only 20% of those in prisons are sociopaths since there are plenty of legal ways to make others miserable particularly if they have power over others (like a parent, child or boss) without breaking laws.

Narcissists differ from sociopaths in that they put themselves first. Whatever scheming they might do is to make others admire them. If this involves deception of and pain and loss for others, it is not a concern for them as long as they are basking in the glow of others and their own inner world.

Stout’s advice is more about contending with the sociopath than “outsmarting” him or her. In general the advice is good, particularly through examples of how to hide your feelings (denying the sociopath of their high) and how to document behavior if you have to go to an authority.

The book has examples of sociopathic institutions in the public and private sectors. If you follow the news, you will know about the examples she gives.

The final chapter has some uplifting words for those who suffer from the treachery of sociopaths.

This book will help those coping with a sociopath in their life. It will not deliver on outsmarting a sociopath but will deliver comfort and advice.

[Alexa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Had to go backwards here because of library availability, so I'm reading the OG Sociopath Next Door second. So my impressions may be skewed by not having read the first one. I listened to the audiobook, which was an excellent, brisk read. I found myself turning it on while I was getting ready for bed, finding additional opportunities to listen to it, which is the sign of a good audiobook. I turned off the TV for this!

Great, illustrative stories that were interesting. Some heartbreaking. I did think once or twice at the advice about disengaging/fighting back smart that, uh, what happens if you then piss off the sociopath more and they decide to ruin you? Anyway. ha. Loved the chapter on sociopaths vs. narcissists; I thought the way Stout differentiated between the two was specific, cogent, and illuminating.

A good one in the canon of pop-psych about sociopaths, for sure. Excited to read the first one.

[Chelsea | thrillerbookbabe · Rating 4 out of 5]

I love true crime so I was so excited when Harmony Books sent me a copy of Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door. This book talks about mental health and what really makes a sociopath. It also talks about how to identify people who may be sociopaths in your life. I like how the author breaks down the different places you could encounter a sociopath and the comparison between a sociopath and a narcissist.

The sad part is these sociopaths are not usually criminals, but usually people we encounter on a day to day basis. They take pleasure in hurting others and having power over them, and this book talks about how not to give them what they want. It was interesting to hear about the differences in brain chemistry that make these people the way they are. Interesting read- 4 stars.

[Janalee · Rating 5 out of 5]

The even better sequel to the first one - plus action plans. This book caused me to look at humans a little less generously. But in a good way.

When the a sociopath is your child: there are no treatment centers schools or camps that can fix your child. They may improve behavior temporarily but the core disorder cannot be repaired by any known treatment. What has shown decent results is positive contingency management which is an if/then pairing . Where he gets positive rewards with good behavior. It works because it’s a game that the child can win against his parents where he can make him give things they would normally would not. It’s artificial and not fair to the other children who don’t get rewards for being decent humans, but it’s one of the few things that work, behavior wise - Not a true inner change.

Sociopaths as ex spouses: The courts favor sociopaths because they are tricked and manipulated by them. The sociopathic spouse can incite the good spouse to behave hysterically out of frustration while they remain calm which translates to friendliness before the judge, thus “winning” the child.

The Silver bullet to dealing with an ex spouse is to be boring. Show them that they will not get under your skin, and rage you or frustrate you. You are his entertainment and he wants to make you jump and show anger or fear for entertainment. It makes him feel powerful and in control. Being boring is the best ammunition. Act as if you don’t care.

“ inside of the human mind that cannot love, there is only a compulsion to compete. A sociopathic life is organized around a need to control, frightened, and illicit obedience. To accomplish this as to win. Winning as all there is. They comprise the single largest group of domestic abusers but they are often not murderers.”

Sociopath or narcissist? They are closely linked but sociopaths can be defined as cold (calculating)and narcissists as hot (tempered). Sociopaths are devoid of both conscience and empathy but the narcissist only lacks empathy. He has the capacity to Bond so he does experience the emotion of conscience. But that conscience is severely flawed because of his ignorance of other peoples feelings and needs.

“The emotional dysregulation that results in pathological narcissism is thought to be induced between birth and age 2 as opposed to the emotion processing deficit in sociopathy which is partly genetic. The comparison is: having an arm severely damaged in early childhood as opposed to having been born without an arm“

Corporations as sociopaths: The goal is to maximize profits but some corporations ignore morality, safety and happiness of human beings. “Corporations are supposed to make money and listen to feedback from the stockholders but if nothing stands in their way the trajectory towards sociopathy can gain steam. A corporation need not be run by sociopaths to exhibit sociopathic tendencies. Overtime executives may gradually lower the bar on the ethics as opportunities for greater earnings appear. The employees may not even recognize they are jeopardizing the public they claim to serve. Examples: Monsanto, opiate crisis, tobacco.

Six out of 10 people will follow the orders of a perceived authority figure when in his presence. They may not be bad people “but it’s believed that the authority presence could put the conscience to sleep because the obedient person makes an adjustment of thought which is to see himself as not responsible for his own actions”.

The entire book was excellent. Valuable information to arm yourself with.

[Charlene · Rating 2 out of 5]

Even though this book had some useful information about dealing with sociopaths-- mainly, do everything possible to disengage-- it was not what I had hoped for. Stout's first book, The Sociopath Next Door was so good that I have been recommending it for more than a decade. I had been hoping for a followup to that book, but this just didn't live up to my expectations, which might just have been too high.

[Jen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I loved the earlier book, The Sociopath Next Door and this book is just as good, if not better, because it gives concrete examples of the sociopaths you can face in different circumstances. I am going to get a copy of this book for one of my coworkers who has been dealing with an absolute GEM of a coworker for years now and this book may help them to put some perspective on the nastiness of the person they have to deal with on a daily basis and maybe how to better handle the situation and themselves.

I like how she divided the book up into chapters on the different ways you may encounter a sociopath. The one that interested me the most was the section dealing with the workplace, though the book deals with other areas as well, such as in the home.

I also like how she explained the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath. Both are somewhat similar, but there are also important differences as well.

Ordering this for the store and for me and friends who I think could benefit from this book. 5 stars, all the way.

My thanks to NetGalley and Rodale Inc./Harmony for an eARC copy of this book to read and review.

[Kirsti · Rating 4 out of 5]

In a nutshell:
A sociopath has physical differences in his or her brain that make him or her unable to bond with others. This person cannot feel love, not even toward his or her own children.

If you encounter a sociopath, get away as soon as you can.

If you are facing the person in court, focus on measurable actions rather than trying to establish a diagnosis or get even.

If this person is your child and still a minor, it is possible to retrain him or her to stop physically or psychologically harming others, but understand that this child will never love anyone unless there is a scientific breakthrough. Rewards need to be material, such as candy and toys, rather than hugs from you or extra time spent with you.

And my favorite advice in the book: If you encounter a sociopath and cannot get away, do your best to be boring. Sociopaths care only about winning and about making other people jump. They are bored almost all the time. If you stop showing fear and anger, it is likely that the sociopath will move on to other things and people. You can't cure this person, but you can protect yourself and those around you.

I love the brisk, no-nonsense tone and the empathy toward survivors. Minus one star for being too repetitive and for not being up to date on a few issues. (The evidence for mirror neurons is weaker than it first appeared, and at least one participant in the Stanford prison experiment has said he knew exactly what savagery the scientists wanted and did his best to give it to them.)

[Kimball · Rating 3 out of 5]

Barely 3 stars again. But better than the first book.

Only 20% of prison inmates are sociopaths. There are many that fly under the radar and are allowed to "exist".

The courts are designed so that sociopaths slip through the cracks, for example by being able to lie under oath and finding loopholes in laws with their cunning and intelligence. The legal system is concrete and non physiological.

(This was the only method that she talked about where you can actually outsmart the sociopath next door) Sometimes the best ammunition to use against a sociopath is to be boring. They find excitement in stirring you up. That's why they find people who they can prey on. They want emotional reactions. Note, the author said this works for child custody. So essentially we fight fire with fire and beat them at their own game by becoming robots and emotionless. I can agree with that.

Industries, corporations, businesses, and governments can all be sociopathic.

Authority puts conscience to sleep.

[Lynn Weber · Rating 4 out of 5]

Not as tight as her “Sociopath Next Door,” this volume is still interesting. It focuses on several situations in which a person might be enmeshed with a sociopath without an easy way out: ex-spouses with shared children, children who are sociopaths, and so on. Her concrete advice seems really helpful.

[Reader · Rating 4 out of 5]

a fascinating exploration of the conscienceless and strategies for outmaneuvering them.

stout clearly defines sociopathy as a lack of conscience—an inability to make any kind of meaningful, empathic connection to other living beings. sociopaths want what they want and simply cannot feel guilt for even the most cruel behavior. they are cold and calculating and prone to boredom. as a result, they seek diversion through risky behaviors and manipulating people. they may moderate their nasty behavior only from a desire to not be detected.

stout stresses that there is no known cure for sociopathy—and that all known therapies for children diagnosed with "conduct disorder" are actually known to worsen behavior—and so recommends first and foremost that we avoid sociopaths entirely; do not engage.

however, for those times when avoidance is not feasible—when the sociopath is your own child, your coworker/boss at a job too valuable to leave, your opponent in a custody battle, or a corporate entitity/governing body—stout offers tactics for outmaneuvering them. primarily, she says, sociopaths feed on eliciting an emotional response from their victims—playing them like marionettes for the sheer diversion value. hence, when dealing with a sociopath, learn to appear bland, boring, emotionless, unaffected—even if the sociopath's provocations genuinely do disturb you. because, if the sociopath can't get a rise out of you, you become too boring to tolerate, and they move on to toy with someone else. this is your best course of action, she counsels, because the sociopath will always be more willing to resort to cruelty than will anyone with a conscience and in fact is practiced at sinking to any depth to win. you don't want to engage in a competition with a sociopath, stout says.

stout differentiates sociopaths from narcissists at length. the latter, she says, do have a limited ability to meaningfully connect with others and experience guilt and shame, but they are incapable of understanding other people's emotions—much like an infant cannot differentiate fully between themselves and their caregiver—and as a result blatantly lie and manipulate to reconcile their worldview with any evidence that they may be mistaken. being mistaken is intolerable to the narcissist, because to them, their experiences/feelings/needs/preferences ARE reality. interestingly, stout says that, while she has never treated donald j. trump, based on her observations alone she would categorize him as a narcissist, not a sociopath. narcissists, she says, come off as buffoonish and exasperating, while sociopaths come off as chilling and frightening.

fantastic read. martha stout is the best.

voice actor does a solid job narrating audiobook.

[Drew · Rating 2 out of 5]

Felt far too much like pop-psychology. Maybe her insights are useful, maybe they fall apart when they hit the real world. It’s information that is difficult to falsify because most readers don’t have close contact with an individual they know to be sociopathic, or having ASPD. I wish there was more science, other perspectives addressed, etc. Those little letters on the cover, PhD, are doing waaaaay too much of the heavy lifting.

Some good advice on how to deal with a narrow category of toxic relationships.

[Natalyn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thanks to NetGalley and Rodale Inc. for the advanced ebook of "Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door".

"Outsmarting the Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout is exactly what it sounds like: a guide to dealing with sociopaths when avoiding them is impossible. Stout begins with explaining what is (and is not) sociopathic behavior and the dives into the different unavoidable situations you may find yourself in. From there she details how to protect yourself and others with advice on procedures and behaviors for you to employ.

This read was absolutely fascinating. I felt like I was studying to be on the Criminal Minds team. Understanding human behavior is always fascinating, especially when dealing with deviations from the norm. Stout has clearly done extensive research and it shows. She provides many stories and examples from a variety of sources that made this book feel like a complete collection of situations.

Stout also surprised me by having more of an understanding approach. She looks to understand the behavior, rather than to condemn it. She isn't approving the behavior, but she does acknowledge the deficiency sociopathic individuals are working with that create their behaviors. This outlook may benefit individuals in difficult situations to maintain a cool head and not provide a much desired reaction.

Stout does provide some interesting thoughts on evil and its origins that I'm not quite sure I agree with. She goes into a tangent on religion and I'm not sure it was necessary in this particular book in the way it was used.

Overall, I gave this book 4 stars because it captured my attention for the entire length of the book and provided me with information I'm not sure I would be able to get anywhere else.

[Zade · Rating 3 out of 5]

Don't let the title fool you. This book will do very little to help you cope with whatever sociopaths you may encounter. The sum of Stout's advice is "don't give them a reaction to their tactics, report them to higher-ups where feasible, and get out if you can." If you're looking for practical advice, there are many better books.

That said, there's some valuable stuff here, particularly in the chapter on distinguishing a narcissist from a sociopath. Since the two disorders share many traits, the material here is interesting, but does not particularly help readers with strategies to cope with either flavour of destructive pathology.

The final chapter in particular is out of place. Certainly, Stout is wise to advise against nurturing hatred or revenge fantasies, and yes, our ability to love and empathize with others is terribly valuable, but this extended paean to love triumphing over evil seems tone-deaf in a book purporting to provide practical help to people whose lives are being destroyed.

Stout's first book in this series, The Sociopath Next Door, was pretty darned good. This one feels like she wanted to ride the wave a little longer, but didn't have anything pressing to add.

[Stacey · Rating 3 out of 5]

In my opinion the first book I read by Stout several years ago - Sociopath Next Door - was much better. Some of the case studies in this book were shocking, particularly about abuse of women and children. This book is best suited to people who are actively dealing with a sociopath in their personal or professional life. The take-home message is that sociopaths enjoy getting a rise out of others so the most effective solution is for the victim to minimize their reaction. The last chapter was about differences between narcissists and sociopaths, which were mostly provided in the form of lengthy lists. I found it difficult to fully grasp the difference between the two conditions and wish she'd provided contrasting case studies of each as exemplars.

[R.J. · Rating 4 out of 5]

Very heavy read, but informative. It's difficult to rate the book because I didn't exactly "enjoy" the read, but I found some things helpful. Bottom line, to quote the author, the best course of action is "avoidance". I found the book helpful in recognizing sociopathic tendencies and appreciated the author's reiterance of how a persistent pattern is needed to identify a "sociopath" and not just one or two occurrences. The most beneficial chapter to me was recognizing the difference between a "narcissist" and a "sociopath", especially in today's society where every person's mistake seems to result in them being labeled a "narcissist".

[Jo · Rating 2 out of 5]

A few things irritated me. There is no evil she said in the beginning of the book and then contradicts that premise in the ending chapters.

She has a whole section on sociopathic corporation. Urgh?! What?! As in, an entity has no conscience or guiding practices. …Then, she speaks of sociopathic governments and shares leaders in history that destroyed humanity. Leaders within governments can be sociopathic, not the government entity.

[David · Rating 5 out of 5]

For anyone who has had the displeasure of having a sociopath or narcissist in their lives (whether it be a spouse, boss, parent, etc.) this book provides invaluable perspective and very practical tools for dealing with those manipulators.

[Julie · Rating 4 out of 5]

Terrifying but extremely informative.

[Grey Liliy · Rating 4 out of 5]

Much like the author's other book, The Sociopath Next Door, this is a surface level introduction to more mundane Sociopaths and how to deal with them if you have no other choice (as the best advice stated in the book is to avoid and get rid of them from your life entirely).

A lot of the content is similar or repeated from the other book, but the stories are new and it has a nice section at the end covering some of the more violent sociopaths that exist, as well as a Narcissist vs Sociopath segment that attempts to distinguish the two disorders.

It's a fast, quick read with some good starting advice.

[Betty · Rating 5 out of 5]

This phenomenal publication delves deep into the hidden traits of sociopathy and how one can distinguish such individuals in a plethora of settings/relations: sociopathic minors, persons of authority, sociopaths in court, and the iciest of all: assaultive and homicidal sociopaths. In addition, there are several psychological tips and tricks to help one identity a full-functioning sociopath in a variety of environments and connections/associations.

This edition is excellent for individuals that interested in psychology, sociology, and a hint of neuroscience.

[Kari · Rating 5 out of 5]

I appreciated not only the clinical depictions and real life situations but also the continuous reminders of how to keep one safe (don't feed into the behaviors, be boring, keep record, don't isolate). As I work in this field I found the book relatable and also factual.

[Jeanette (Ms. Feisty)]

3.5 stars

[AJ Payne · Rating 3 out of 5]

Really interesting book. I've been wanting to read the Sociopath Next Door for a while now, but never find it available in the library, so decided to go with this one. I liked that it covered the basics of sociopathy, and then told a number of stories, and then gave practical advice for dealing with a sociopath should you ever become entangled with one (knock wood I never have to use the advice... or is this one of those things that if you don't know any sociopaths then you are it in your circle?). What I especially liked was the extensive section on the difference between sociopathy and narcissism - that was really fascinating.

What I found interesting, and I would like to look into it more, was the implication throughout (and the outright saying several times) that sociopaths are always destructive to people and cannot help themselves from destroying others. Is this true? Are there really no sociopaths who learn to function without destroying others? I have to believe there are. Though this author makes clear that there are not and cannot be any sociopaths who don't mess with people. Maybe the point was made because those who are seeking to read this book probably are dealing with destructive sociopaths and need the support of saying it? Who knows, but interesting nonetheless.

I will certainly be continuing to look for the original of this book.

[Martyna · Rating 3 out of 5]

ciekawa książka o tym, jak rozpoznać socjopatę i jak sobie radzić w relacji z nim. natomiast wydawała mi się dość powierzchowna i zabrakło mi w niej dokładniejszych informacji.

[Anna · Rating 5 out of 5]

read for the second time - excellent as the first time!

[Diane Porter · Rating 5 out of 5]

So good, and so enlightening - especially to someone such as myself who is obsessed with true crime and wanting to ‘understand’ the minds of offenders.
Dr Stout also offers a very practical, simplified guide for how best to deal with the sociopaths we may be so unfortunate as to encounter in life - and when you understand their psychology, it all makes perfect sense!

[Clare · Rating 4 out of 5]

Found this book fascinating and validating. Would recommend to anyone healing from an experience with a sociopath or interested in the subject matter in general.

[Klaudia_p · Rating 2 out of 5]

O ile pierwsza książka Marthy Stout była dla mnie odkryciem, tak w tej nie znalazłam niczego nowego

[Jessica Coyle · Rating 4 out of 5]

For some reason, this election season has really got sociopathy on my mind.