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Cheatingland: The Secret Confessions of Men Who Stray
Reminiscent of Three Women and The State of Affairs —and based on years of research and in-depth interviews with more than sixty men—this eye-opening and explosive study explores why men cheat, how they do it, and the repercussions that infidelity has on every aspect of life.
It is estimated that one in four married men cheat on their wives. Of those, roughly half claim that they are “very happy” in their marriages. So why risk ruining it all? Is it the sex? The affirmation? The danger? Yes, it’s all of that. But it’s also so much more.
The author of this book has conducted a series of in-depth interviews with men and women of all ages and backgrounds who have cheated in the past or are currently cheating on their spouses. They talked openly and intimately about details of their affairs, and the emotions that they experience before, during, and after.
The book breaks down the five major categories of cheaters, defines the typical cheater personality, and looks at how husbands can cheat while also loving their wives. It reveals the tips and tricks spouses use to get away with secret affairs and examines everything from the influence of cheating parents on their children to the possible outcomes once an affair is discovered. This unfiltered window into the hearts and minds of men explores the psychological roots of cheating and proposes a new vision of masculinity that is more emotionally aware and could significantly change relationships for the better.
It is estimated that one in four married men cheat on their wives. Of those, roughly half claim that they are “very happy” in their marriages. So why risk ruining it all? Is it the sex? The affirmation? The danger? Yes, it’s all of that. But it’s also so much more.
The author of this book has conducted a series of in-depth interviews with men and women of all ages and backgrounds who have cheated in the past or are currently cheating on their spouses. They talked openly and intimately about details of their affairs, and the emotions that they experience before, during, and after.
The book breaks down the five major categories of cheaters, defines the typical cheater personality, and looks at how husbands can cheat while also loving their wives. It reveals the tips and tricks spouses use to get away with secret affairs and examines everything from the influence of cheating parents on their children to the possible outcomes once an affair is discovered. This unfiltered window into the hearts and minds of men explores the psychological roots of cheating and proposes a new vision of masculinity that is more emotionally aware and could significantly change relationships for the better.
256 pages, Hardcover
Published March 22, 2022
20 people are currently reading
126 people want to read
About the author
Anonymous
791k books3,369 followersBooks can be attributed to "Anonymous" for several reasons:
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Books whose authorship is merely uncertain should be attributed to Unknown.
See also: Anonymous
* They are officially published under that name
* They are traditional stories not attributed to a specific author
* They are religious texts not generally attributed to a specific author
Books whose authorship is merely uncertain should be attributed to Unknown.
See also: Anonymous
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Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews
February 16, 2022
Thank you to NetGalley and the publisher for providing this book in exchange for an honest review.
This book was fairly interesting but really didn't say much that isn't already known about cheaters. I was curious to read this because I was in a marriage before and my then husband cheated on me with other men, then left me to marry another woman, then left her for a man. It was all very traumatic and I didn't get answers to my many questions so I felt like there wasn't any closure. (I'm now happily remarried to a wonderful, non-cheating husband!)
The book did end quite abruptly with no closing statements. But overall, it was a decent book.
This book was fairly interesting but really didn't say much that isn't already known about cheaters. I was curious to read this because I was in a marriage before and my then husband cheated on me with other men, then left me to marry another woman, then left her for a man. It was all very traumatic and I didn't get answers to my many questions so I felt like there wasn't any closure. (I'm now happily remarried to a wonderful, non-cheating husband!)
The book did end quite abruptly with no closing statements. But overall, it was a decent book.
March 29, 2022
Cheatingland tells the personal stories of dozens of people who have cheated on their spouses. It satisfies our voyeuristic interest in the salacious details of the relationships of other people. I found it fascinating how the author was able to convince those he interviewed to be vulnerable and truthful about their relationships, both marital and extramarital. The book is relatively short but manages to cover a lot of ground from explaining why and how people cheat to repairing relationships and changing behavior, etc.
It was interesting to ponder how morality can adapt to behavior and how cheating often stems from things we feel are missing from our lives, whether that be sexual interest from our partner or excitement or insecurity. At times the arrogance, misogyny, and flexible morality of some interviewed could be maddening. Especially as we hear stories of prolonged instances of deceit and manipulation. I found this book intriguing and would recommend it if you liked Lisa Taddeo’s ‘Three Women.’
Thank you Atria Books and NetGalley for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
It was interesting to ponder how morality can adapt to behavior and how cheating often stems from things we feel are missing from our lives, whether that be sexual interest from our partner or excitement or insecurity. At times the arrogance, misogyny, and flexible morality of some interviewed could be maddening. Especially as we hear stories of prolonged instances of deceit and manipulation. I found this book intriguing and would recommend it if you liked Lisa Taddeo’s ‘Three Women.’
Thank you Atria Books and NetGalley for providing this ARC in exchange for an honest review.
January 5, 2023
I'm not rating it two stars because of the content, I'm rating it this way because it is written like a 10th grade book report with a side of r/thathappened
Seriously, did you need a word count met?
I skipped over paragraphs because it was literally the same crap I read not two pages before.
It's not the wife's fault, but if only she just did that xyz thing and listened to me, I wouldn't need to call up Becky with the Good Hair. Or because the guy's mom didn't hug him when he was 13. No, really a guy said that. Which is really sad. But maybe sort that stuff out instead of intentionally hurting another individual, the mother of your children, repeatedly.
Im sorry society failed these men, but dang some sounded like douche canoes.
Seriously, did you need a word count met?
I skipped over paragraphs because it was literally the same crap I read not two pages before.
It's not the wife's fault, but if only she just did that xyz thing and listened to me, I wouldn't need to call up Becky with the Good Hair. Or because the guy's mom didn't hug him when he was 13. No, really a guy said that. Which is really sad. But maybe sort that stuff out instead of intentionally hurting another individual, the mother of your children, repeatedly.
Im sorry society failed these men, but dang some sounded like douche canoes.
April 1, 2022
Pseudo psychology. Anonymous uses the word “research “ in an unscientific way without any references or evidence. One’s own experiences, thoughts and opinions are not scientific research, contrary to what many people without proper training might think. The book is subjective with personal deductions and opinions. It’s not comprehensive at all for example the 5 kinds of cheaters he / she refers to - it’s personal speculation at the best. The pseudo psychology with which he analyses the cause and psychodynamics of cheating is also cringing.
Read
January 5, 2024the men are not alright! like they seriously need some intense psychological help and I'm fearful for a handful of the wives. if I have to read the words "chick" or "ho" one more time...
I wouldn't say this presented much "research" or analysis, but I feel like other books exist for that. this was simply personal stories and half-baked "reflections" from men who are deeply stunted — overall an interesting read for nosy people like me~
(I also found the author's complete misunderstanding of Big Dick Energy quite funny (page 3):
"They seemed like a unique breed, many of them egotistical, brash, bold, thrill-seeking, and hypersexual, with lots of what millennials call Big Dick Energy)
I wouldn't say this presented much "research" or analysis, but I feel like other books exist for that. this was simply personal stories and half-baked "reflections" from men who are deeply stunted — overall an interesting read for nosy people like me~
(I also found the author's complete misunderstanding of Big Dick Energy quite funny (page 3):
"They seemed like a unique breed, many of them egotistical, brash, bold, thrill-seeking, and hypersexual, with lots of what millennials call Big Dick Energy)
February 29, 2024
Men are stupid and I don’t respect them
March 22, 2022
None of this book is predicated on evidence based science
If you want a book about cheating, I’d recommend “Cheating in a nutshell” by Tamara and Wayne Mitchell.
They don’t make excuses for cheaters.
If you want a book about cheating, I’d recommend “Cheating in a nutshell” by Tamara and Wayne Mitchell.
They don’t make excuses for cheaters.
January 28, 2023
Quite informative,for the most part,a plethora of disturbing and depressing details and scenarios....
Read on SCRIBD
Read on SCRIBD
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August 20, 2022If you’ve ever wanted a book that explains the psychology of cheating based of anecdotal conversations with the cheaters themselves, here ya go. I found this one enlightening and deeply disturbing. Some of the things that were said were pretty logical and familiar, but it also explained how common (yet in a lot of cases completely devastating) cheating is. For that, it was kind of a bummer and I’m like yeah maybe being single is ok in this case lmao.
November 21, 2021
Cheatingland follows years of interviews and research from its anonymous author and delves into the hows and whys of men who cheat, though the author did include some anecdotes from women as well.
This book read very similiarly to a research study but was significantly less formal. The start of the book felt like a discussion into methodology, to a certain extent, followed by multiple chapters that could've been described as the discussion part of a formal research study, which discussed the larger results and what it all meant. The vast majority of the book was focused on the cheaters' voices themselves. So the author would make a claim (such as being able to break down a cheater profile into 5 types) and then would follow up with examples of what those men (and some women) had said that proved that claim.
I found the book to be fairly insightful, but I felt that there was some heavy bias that revealed itself strongly in the beginning from the point of the author. The author would make opinionated statements that were disguised as something else maybe in an attempt to side with the audience rather than truly empathize with the interviewee (like saying, you might think that this individual sounds like a monster ... or something along those lines) to which he would then acknowledge that he had a hard time not judging these people but then also had to strategically make them feel comfortable so they would talk. So he came across as incredibly judgemental but chose to not vocalize those things with the people who he talked with so they would trust him and share with him. In my mind, that felt almost as monsterous, and it made it feel that the author didn't so much as really care about these individuals but simply wanted to do this research for his own curiousity -all a means to an end. It felt like he was telling himself and asking the audience to stomach through it because then they'd at least get a better understanding of these people by the end of it, and maybe that would be worth it. I found that lack of empathy to be really unfortunate.
Secondly, the author mostly seemed to focus on the majority of men in the study and how they responded to things rather than to also acknowledge the minority outliers. For instance, he mentioned many times that the majority of men did not have a strong emotional relationship with their affair partner, yet in saying so, he acknowledged that there were outliers to that statement but then never expanded on those. There were many more instances of this and I wish that, as in a formal research study, the minority situations would also have been shared, if not simply for the purpose of also showing that affairs can be incredibly complicated in the emotional and relationship realms. In many instances, it felt as if the author was sharing the results of the study through discussion but in a way that focused only on the results he wanted to show and to come to the conclusion he wanted to draw. I would have preferred a more transparent discussion that revealed all the results and then drew some connections, even if those connections weren't as supportive for the ultimate conclusion the author wanted to draw.
Lastly, the book came to a very abrupt end, leaving us with a few words from one of the participants that related to the current chapter. I felt like I was hitting a wall that I didn't expect to hit all of a sudden. I hit the end of the chapter and end pages and that was all. I wish there had been strong bibliographic information at the end providing research that had to have been consulted through the process, as well as professionals that were interviewed that the author mentioned throughout the text.
While I think this book offers up some interesting preliminary information on men (and some women) who cheat, this discussion of this "study" feels somewhat loose, not as professionally done, lacking in citable research to validate some of the author's findings (though I realize the individuals who participated were meant to be kept anonymous and in that aspect, we're out of luck), and ultimately at times felt a bit more anecdotal with the author's own personal conclusions driving the story (however valid or not). While I do not seem to disagree with much of what he had to say, I do believe that he was sharing a certain vision of what he wanted to present to his audience rather than sharing the entire picture (sharing results with those that didn't fit with the majority, briefly discussing those who didn't fit the mold or classic profile, etc.). I did find the information to be informative and interesting, though it left me with more questions, and I do think that, especially for those who have been in a situation where they have been cheated on, have been the cheater, or have been involved as an affair partner, this book will help provide a glimpse of greater understanding into the thought processes there.
This book read very similiarly to a research study but was significantly less formal. The start of the book felt like a discussion into methodology, to a certain extent, followed by multiple chapters that could've been described as the discussion part of a formal research study, which discussed the larger results and what it all meant. The vast majority of the book was focused on the cheaters' voices themselves. So the author would make a claim (such as being able to break down a cheater profile into 5 types) and then would follow up with examples of what those men (and some women) had said that proved that claim.
I found the book to be fairly insightful, but I felt that there was some heavy bias that revealed itself strongly in the beginning from the point of the author. The author would make opinionated statements that were disguised as something else maybe in an attempt to side with the audience rather than truly empathize with the interviewee (like saying, you might think that this individual sounds like a monster ... or something along those lines) to which he would then acknowledge that he had a hard time not judging these people but then also had to strategically make them feel comfortable so they would talk. So he came across as incredibly judgemental but chose to not vocalize those things with the people who he talked with so they would trust him and share with him. In my mind, that felt almost as monsterous, and it made it feel that the author didn't so much as really care about these individuals but simply wanted to do this research for his own curiousity -all a means to an end. It felt like he was telling himself and asking the audience to stomach through it because then they'd at least get a better understanding of these people by the end of it, and maybe that would be worth it. I found that lack of empathy to be really unfortunate.
Secondly, the author mostly seemed to focus on the majority of men in the study and how they responded to things rather than to also acknowledge the minority outliers. For instance, he mentioned many times that the majority of men did not have a strong emotional relationship with their affair partner, yet in saying so, he acknowledged that there were outliers to that statement but then never expanded on those. There were many more instances of this and I wish that, as in a formal research study, the minority situations would also have been shared, if not simply for the purpose of also showing that affairs can be incredibly complicated in the emotional and relationship realms. In many instances, it felt as if the author was sharing the results of the study through discussion but in a way that focused only on the results he wanted to show and to come to the conclusion he wanted to draw. I would have preferred a more transparent discussion that revealed all the results and then drew some connections, even if those connections weren't as supportive for the ultimate conclusion the author wanted to draw.
Lastly, the book came to a very abrupt end, leaving us with a few words from one of the participants that related to the current chapter. I felt like I was hitting a wall that I didn't expect to hit all of a sudden. I hit the end of the chapter and end pages and that was all. I wish there had been strong bibliographic information at the end providing research that had to have been consulted through the process, as well as professionals that were interviewed that the author mentioned throughout the text.
While I think this book offers up some interesting preliminary information on men (and some women) who cheat, this discussion of this "study" feels somewhat loose, not as professionally done, lacking in citable research to validate some of the author's findings (though I realize the individuals who participated were meant to be kept anonymous and in that aspect, we're out of luck), and ultimately at times felt a bit more anecdotal with the author's own personal conclusions driving the story (however valid or not). While I do not seem to disagree with much of what he had to say, I do believe that he was sharing a certain vision of what he wanted to present to his audience rather than sharing the entire picture (sharing results with those that didn't fit with the majority, briefly discussing those who didn't fit the mold or classic profile, etc.). I did find the information to be informative and interesting, though it left me with more questions, and I do think that, especially for those who have been in a situation where they have been cheated on, have been the cheater, or have been involved as an affair partner, this book will help provide a glimpse of greater understanding into the thought processes there.
March 14, 2025
straightforward, prosaic
i quite enjoyed it, hearing the testimonials from real people and then talking about some bigger society and gender standards at play
also funny moment at the beginning where the author was like i interviewed straight women and lesbians too but i couldnt really find any examples to include for gay men bc open relationships are so common w them
many guys interviewed were happy w their marriages in most facets, they found their wife to be a stable fixture in their life that they loved, but she also couldnt be everything for them despite that
why do men cheat?
- sexual incompatibility, lacking of attention from their wives due to children or career, feel bad to bother her or risk getting completely shut down irt sex (find no way to compromise)
- validation of their attractiveness, masculinity, by the thrill of the chase and conquest, not about the end result
- emotional lack of some sort in main relationship and find someone who can fill that gap/connection, usually is unique and fall into it rather than searching for just anyone to cheat w
- was normalized by their parents/fathers when growing up, either witnessing their parents do it themselves or getting the approval from their parental figures at some point that its okay to - this societal idea that masculine men have multiple women on hand
why do they stop?
some of these shocked me of how…dumb they seemed? like how unthinking of consequences they were, to be like THIS was not something that occurred to them beforehand
- realizing it would be hurtful to his wife
- realizing it was not worth ruining their marriage/childrens futures
- realizing theyd miss out on special moments w their wife and children
- (majority) wanted to focus on their career instead, replace their masculine validation gotten thru cheating by instead being a better breadwinner
i quite enjoyed it, hearing the testimonials from real people and then talking about some bigger society and gender standards at play
also funny moment at the beginning where the author was like i interviewed straight women and lesbians too but i couldnt really find any examples to include for gay men bc open relationships are so common w them
many guys interviewed were happy w their marriages in most facets, they found their wife to be a stable fixture in their life that they loved, but she also couldnt be everything for them despite that
why do men cheat?
- sexual incompatibility, lacking of attention from their wives due to children or career, feel bad to bother her or risk getting completely shut down irt sex (find no way to compromise)
- validation of their attractiveness, masculinity, by the thrill of the chase and conquest, not about the end result
- emotional lack of some sort in main relationship and find someone who can fill that gap/connection, usually is unique and fall into it rather than searching for just anyone to cheat w
- was normalized by their parents/fathers when growing up, either witnessing their parents do it themselves or getting the approval from their parental figures at some point that its okay to - this societal idea that masculine men have multiple women on hand
why do they stop?
some of these shocked me of how…dumb they seemed? like how unthinking of consequences they were, to be like THIS was not something that occurred to them beforehand
- realizing it would be hurtful to his wife
- realizing it was not worth ruining their marriage/childrens futures
- realizing theyd miss out on special moments w their wife and children
- (majority) wanted to focus on their career instead, replace their masculine validation gotten thru cheating by instead being a better breadwinner
June 8, 2023
It was a good quick read but also somehow left something to be desired? I like that it went into different types of cheaters and personality types but it also didn’t offer much in the line of how these cheating men can get help and heal. Many of the men that mentioned cheating on their wives just seemed to have some kind of “epiphany” that made them realize they needed to stop. But there wasn’t any mention of resources to help these men otherwise. Nor was there any mention of resources to help the WOMEN heal from finding out their spouse is cheating.
Overall I found it to be an interesting read but wasn’t blown away by it
Overall I found it to be an interesting read but wasn’t blown away by it
April 10, 2022
I think that this book almost came across as a justification of cheaters. I was hoping that there would be more focused on holding men accountable. Instead, the author spent most of his time seemingly making us pity men and the lives they lead under societal pressure. I will concede that the style of writing and flow were decent, and the authors desire to explore this topic within his inner circle is admirable. However, this is simply not reason enough to merit a 5-star rating.
July 23, 2022
I appreciate the author's ability to get these people to be vulnerable and tell their stories. The anecdotes were the best part of the book; while I may not agree with what they've done, it was interesting to read their perspectives. I didn't rate it higher because I thought the book was subjective, not backed by scientific research, and repetitive.
September 4, 2024
gratingly redundant, ultimately pretty surface level. summary: man insecure because no emotional outlet need feel big strong power, wife is for raising baby so must get gf for adventure sex, but in end if u want keep baby must tell wife ab gf. plus too much brain focus on pussy, then no time for job! if want success at job, must leave gf.
September 4, 2024
The title of this book is intriguing. I picked it up from the book fair and started to read immediately after buying it.
I gave it three stars because I felt something lacking, at least to have drawn some conclusions from all the research that the author have done. But I can't blame him/her because it was clear that it was all about confessions.
I gave it three stars because I felt something lacking, at least to have drawn some conclusions from all the research that the author have done. But I can't blame him/her because it was clear that it was all about confessions.
May 7, 2022
Did I learn a couple things about men and women's psychology and sexuality? Yes. But otherwise it was a lot of men just complaining about how they feel like they're not "feeling like men" unless they're able to score attractive women. Cool.
February 4, 2023
The tone and writing itself was a bit juvenile and I wish the writer and researcher had focused more on depth than breadth but this book did answer most of the questions I had and may have even changed the way I look at and think about cheating.
September 19, 2023
I think this is a good book to read for anyone struggling with infidelity or just wanting to be open and honest about feelings to keep their relationship on track. It makes an attempt to take an unbiased look at the motivation and behaviors of those who cheat in their relationships.
March 24, 2024
So many interviews, it’s really a journalism feat, but all the content is super super cliche it felt very dated, even though the book is published in 2022. The stories were wild but prose was meh. Read like a self-help book. Just really weird. Not great. Skimmed a lot. Not terrible. Just meh.
May 19, 2022
Not sure what I took away from this book. Not worth the time to be honest
May 21, 2022
I initially found the anecdotal nature of this book fascinating, but toward the end it began to feel repetitive and increasingly misogynistic.
June 21, 2022
Solid.
October 5, 2023
interesting and enlightening
Currently reading
October 8, 2023Bookmark...
8 Oct
Chapter 3
The five types of cheaters
8 Oct
Chapter 3
The five types of cheaters
January 16, 2024
While I appreciate the research that went into this, it read like a first draft of college research report. Repetitive and boring for the majority.
March 14, 2024
Long story short, he “didn’t feel good enough” and thus engaged in infidelity in a pathetic attempt to feel validated.
Like, dude, get a therapist.
*yawn*
Like, dude, get a therapist.
*yawn*
November 8, 2024
A decent look at men (and a few women) who explain why they cheat, how they went about doing it and the consequences of this cheating. Not a groundbreaking book but it was well written.
October 1, 2025
Thought this would be more insightful in psychology and sociology but it wasn’t really enough.
Displaying 1 - 29 of 29 reviews