How to Talk When Kids Won't Listen: Whining, Fighting, Meltdowns, Defiance, and Other Challenges of Childhood

by Joanna Faber

An all-new guide from the mega-bestselling How To Talk series applies trusted and effective communication strategies to the toughest challenges of raising children.

For forty years, readers have turned to Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, the book The Boston Globe called, “the parenting Bible,” for a respectful and practical approach to communication with children. Expanding upon this work, Adele’s daughter, Joanna Faber, along with Julie King, coauthored the bestselling book, How To Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. Now, Faber and King have tailored How To Talk’s tried and trusted communication strategies to some of the most challenging childhood moments.

From tantrums to technology to talking to kids about tough topics, How To Talk When Kids Won’t Listen offers concrete strategies for these and many more difficult situations.

Part One introduces readers to the How To Talk “toolbox,” with whimsical cartoons demonstrating the basic communication skills that will transform readers’ relationships with children in their lives. In Part Two, Joanna and Julie answer specific questions and share relatable stories, offering practical tools for addressing issues such as homework hassles, sibling battles, digital dilemmas, problems with punishment, and more. Readers can turn directly to any topic of interest and find the help they need, with handy “reminder pages.”

Through the combination of lively stories from real parents and teachers, humorous illustrations, and entertaining exercises, How To Talk When Kids Won’t Listen offers real solutions to struggles familiar to every parent, grandparent, teacher, and anyone else who lives or works with children.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Audiobook, Self Help, Adult, Communication, Adhd

400 pages, Paperback

First published August 3, 2021

Reviews

[Whitney Erwin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Parents, you need to read this book!! I have read several parenting books in the past but this is now my favorite by far. I found it to be very relatable, user-friendly, and easy to follow. Being a parent is so challenging and I feel like we all need all the help we can get. In this book, there are a lot of everyday examples and there is practice at the end of chapters which I found to be super helpful! The practices gave me a chance to come up with what to say before implementing the scenarios with my own kids. While I read this over the past few days, I started to put in place some of the strategies in this book and they are working! I am seeing changes already in my kids when I speak to them differently and react to them following the techniques in this book. I am already ready to re-read this book so I have the strategies fully ingrained in my mom brain. This is a book I know I will be coming back to often for reference. I will be recommending this book to all my mom friends. This book is good for those with toddlers all the way to teenagers.

Thank you Net Galley and Scribner for a copy of this book in return for my honest review!

[Ramblin Hamlin · Rating 5 out of 5]

How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, Listen so Little Kids Will Talk is one of my favorite parenting books. I recommend it to all my friends and family who have kids. When I saw Joanna and Julie had a new book coming out, I knew that I would read it. Especially when I have a child, who despite using the techniques in their first book, does not listen often.

The first part of the book is a small recap or reminder of the important topics discussed in their first book. Acknowledging feelings, engaging cooperation, offering choices, problem solving, praise etc etc etc. The second part of the book provides more examples of how to put these techniques into practice. To be honest, it was more or less an extension of their last book. Only there are more examples of how to apply these skills in your parenting. The examples are more specific and therefore more helpful. I found it useful because if a parent is having an issue with a particular battle, like sharing or homework then can flip to that specific chapter for tips.

I love the writing style of these two authors. It has great flow and they provide plenty of examples of how to put this into practice and when/how it worked for others. Each section ends with a recap which is helpful. The writing isn't dry or hard to follow which can be common in other parenting books. The way the book is formatted makes it easy to skip the sections that don't apply to you at the time.

I won't lie, while I enjoyed reading this book, I kept saying in my head "but what about a kid like mine? A kid who really doesn't respond well when I acknowledge his feelings which doesn't allow me to put the other skills into practice" and then they had a whole section for me which was titled "Troubleshooting" There was some good ideas that I could try to put into practice in the future with my challenging child.

Overall, I really enjoyed this book and the authors get another 5 stars from me. I feel like this book is coming out at the perfect time. After being home with my kids for the last 16 months because of COVID, I realized that I had defaulted away from acknowledging feelings and engaging cooperation. I slipped back into some of the ways I used to parent before reading their first book. This book kind of gave me a bit of a reboot which I am grateful for. It was a refreshing read and makes me feel rejuvenated when it comes to parenting some of the challenging behaviors .

Thank you to NetGalley and Scribner for the advanced readers' copy in exchange for my honest review. This book comes out August 3rd!

[Greg · Rating 5 out of 5]

I never wanted to be a dad. Mostly because I never wanted to be (like my father was) the policeman, the punisher. I had no conception of how parenting could be possible without punishment. Joanna and Julie have not only given me hope, but practical tools that make complete sense when thinking how I would want to be treated. I know in my bones (and tanned hide) that punishment made me resentful. The repeat offender rates of the US vs Europe also clearly show that protection works, but punishment does not. Why I didn't realize that the same should obviously apply to our children as well is beyond me.

For those struggling with thoughts like acknowledging feelings might be coddling kids, I thought of it in these terms: acknowledging is not the same as validating. By saying “You’re really upset that your balloon isn’t as good as your brother’s” you are stating what you think is true for your child at that moment. It tells them “I see the situation you are in (including some of the emotional stuff going on inside you)”. You aren’t making a judgement. So you are NOT saying:
- “You SHOULD feel that way”
- “If I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way”
- “You have the best feelings. I wish everyone felt like you did”
You can think it's the dumbest blippin thing to get upset about and still acknowledge that your child is upset. Does anyone really need our opinion on their feelings? The fact that you see what is going on for your child and let them know that you see it, is what helps.

[Cari · Rating 5 out of 5]

So happy to see a sequel to How to Talk So Little Kids Will Listen. This book covers a lot of the same ground, but it is an excellent reminder of the techniques that work. Since I read the first book, the number of meltdowns in our house have definitely decreased. My kids responded well to the tactics, specifically on problem-solving and how we approach issues where we disagree. They feel like they're part of the family but they also don't run roughshod over me - they know their dad and I are in charge. I also liked that in this book, the authors give plenty of specific situations so you can see how other parents have used the tactics, especially in tough spots like the ones listed in the title. You may have to be creative on some things, and you are not always going to come out feeling successful, but having the tips is half the battle.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

If you're interested in gentle parenting tips but feeling burnt out from how this info is presented by parenting gurus on Instagram, I can't recommend this book enough. They even acknowledge you can tell your child that it hurts your feelings if something mean! I borrowed this from the library but I'd consider purchasing it so I could use it as a reference book like I did What to Expect: The First Year

[Ruby · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book is amazing! It even comes with an app (the how to talk app) and it helps you communicate with your child even when they are throwing a tantrum.
This book has helped us so much with our gentle parenting journey ❤️ I will probably circle back to it many times.

[Elizabeth Mellen · Rating 5 out of 5]

Thanks to Netgalley and Scribner for the ARC of this in exchange for my honest review.

I read How to Talk So Little Kids will Listen last year, and really liked it and found that after a year I was really needing a refresher and planned to reread it, since we've been going through some serious meltdowns and refusal to listen ending in yelling lately. When I saw this was coming out, I decided I had to request it instead. It doesn't seem complicated, in theory, but I find in practice I do well for part of the day with these tools - as I get worn down by previous issues, I start to lose my cool and my kids moods tend towards worse as we get to just before dinner. I think I will be rereading these more often to see if that helps it to sink in as reflex to use the tools, instead of something that I put effort into as long as I can. My favorite part of these books is that there are real life examples of children and parents interacting, in "traditional" ways and then following the "rules" that Faber and King put forward - something they work perfectly, and sometimes there is just progress, and I think that keeps it from being disheartening if it doesn't make our days instantly easier, to know that it was a process for someone else. Definitely a book I will want to own to reference and would recommend to parents.

[Zara · Rating 4 out of 5]

These are the very best parenting books. It’s just excellent advice on how to talk to ALL people, but particularly your kids. This edition focuses on challenging behavior and hard topics like divorce, sex, “stranger danger,” and a lot more.

[Annette · Rating 4 out of 5]

Already using strategies from this book in my class!

[Jessica · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen 201! The authors of my go-to parenting book are back, not to provide any new tips per se, but to show you how their tried-and-true approaches work in a wide range of situations, from teeth brushing to toy sharing. They also have a few topic-specific suggestions, like approaching the topic of sex with your kids — again, bolstered by research on one side and anecdotes on the other. And they spend some time trying to troubleshoot reasons why the approach might not be working for you. (I was unfortunately only 90% of the way through the book yesterday when I spent an hour trying to get my kid — who's now too big to carry home when I also have the baby in the stroller — to leave the park, so I missed the last chapter of fine-tuning acknowledging feelings without saying "you." Honestly not sure it would have helped because my kid's pretty stubborn, but either way in the moment I was still happy to have a wide range of tools to try and a script for problem-solving after the fact.) I appreciate how often they use analogies to adult conversations, because 1) it honestly helps to apply the tools and scripts in a way that's not condescending (which kids see right through!) and 2) it demonstrates just how valuable these tools are for every relationship in your life!

Aside from the wide array of tools and examples, I find Faber and King's books incredibly validating because they treat parents as humans who have feelings and limits, something many parenting books don't do. They provide scripts for when you are too pissed off to use your tools, they share example stories that include parents feeling completely enraged by their kids' behavior, and they acknowledge that you won't succeed in using these tools 100% of the time, but they are encouraging and talk about how every bit of progress is that much more improvement in your relationship with your kids, now and in the future. I highly recommend all of the How to Talk books!

[Erika · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is technically a parenting book but I listened to it through the lens of teaching and found so many of the suggested strategies helpful! Honestly anyone with children in their life should read or listen to this book.

[Cassidy · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love Joanna & Julie’s books on interacting with children. They bring such clarity in their tips with plenty of real life examples and stories. I appreciate the philosophy that kids are whole human being deserving of respect, and that sharing our limits can be done with kindness.
Highly recommend to anyone who has or works with children in any capacity!

[L Wang · Rating 5 out of 5]

A lot of redundant info from the original “how to talk” but still so good! I need these reminders every day. Definitely in the rotation!

[Aba · Rating 5 out of 5]

The How to Talk books are always solid. Very straightforward and practical!

[Kirsti · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical strategies for communicating during or after meltdowns, wailing, defiance, etc. I especially liked how the authors discussed siblings' reluctance to share. They reframed the issue for adults: Imagine that you have your own car, but suddenly you get a new neighbor, and your spouse decides that you have to share your car with that person. When you say, "But I might need to go shopping later!" your spouse says patronizingly, "Well, it's her turn to use it now. You used it yesterday, remember? Maybe she won't be using it tomorrow." You'd be so mad, right? It would seem new and weird and unfair? That's what it's like for a kid when there's a baby or toddler in the house.

Also the part about potty training was excellent, but I probably shouldn't have listened to it while eating dinner.

[Hal Johnson · Rating 2 out of 5]

There is an intellectual current that runs through certain spheres of Western thought, flowing through Rousseau and anarchism and found in aspects of (I will be justly accused of oversimplifying) Marxism and Freudianism. The current holds that humans have some inner core of goodness or harmony, and only a particular external force keeps the Kingdom of the Elect from manifesting.

This theory has not really been wildly successful at either predicting or manipulating human behavior, but it persists in places as diverse as self-help seminars, Jill Stein rallies, and this book (which is not materially different in content from its predecessors in the How to Speak franchise).

Apparently kids are just champing at the bit to develop amiable solutions to all dilemmas, but somehow they are prevented from accessing this bottomless well of beneficence by society’s refusal to…validate their feelings or something.

I realize saying it that way makes me sound like some participation-trophy-cursing Boomer (not wholly accurate). My problem is not with validating feelings, my problem is with the bottomless well of beneficence, which I believe to be a fiction. How many anecdotes (helpfully included) contain a sentence like “and when I said, ‘You must be angry,’ the child’s whole demeanor changed”? The answer is all of them.

Presumably this technique really does help some kids, but the relentless insistence that it is the golden key that unlocks prosocial behavior is…unpersuasive, I guess I’d say. Imagine a doctor who assumes every patient who comes though his door is a heroin addict. “Your prescription is for methadone,” he says, again and again, to everyone, and surely once in a while he strikes, like the proverbial stopped clock, upon the right answer.

This is perhaps a long-winded way of saying that the book did not work for me.

[Heidi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Book is 5 stars, the title that goes with it is 1 star.

This book is basically an updated version of How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk, with more time spent troubleshooting, a little better organization, and updated to current times. It's great, but if you've read any of the other How to Talk books, you probably don't need to read this one. The first 4 chapters explain the basic tools and then they spend 27 chapters applying the basics to tons of everyday situations and showing how to use the basic tools in each situation, with tons of stories from parents. There was a good section at the end for avoiding "but" and "you" if your attempts at validating feelings are falling flat.

I am super disappointed because based on the title I was expecting something different - more nuance, more tools for those challenging situations. It would be great if it just had a *different* title.

With a title like that, I think they really missed the boat by not mentioning that if your kid is having lots of defiance and meltdowns, it could be anxiety or neurodiversity or something more going on. I think this is just a huge disservice to not even mention the possibility. They didn't talk about sensory processing at all or sensory stuff as a tool for meltdowns, except for a brief mention in a story of a kid who hugged others too much that he may need extra deep pressure to fill his sensory needs ("meet basic needs" is the tool there). The thing is, difficult kids have such complex basic needs, more explanation is needed there. If a parent has a kid who really "won't listen" with lots of "whining, fighting, meltdowns, defiance"...I'm gonna suggest Mona Delahooke's books instead of this book.

If you have a little kid, ages 0-7, I'd suggest the authors' previous book, How to Talk so Little Kids Will Listen, instead.

[Dest · Rating 5 out of 5]

The advice here is the same as in the other How to Talk books, but people like examples and this is full of them! I'd been having conflicts with my otherwise cooperative 7yo trying to get out of the door on time in the mornings. I felt like I was trying everything and nothing was working, so I went back to Faber & King. And then I asked myself:

Was I acknowledging my kid's feelings?
Was I including my kid in problem-solving?
Was I offering my kid choices?
Was I taking action without insult?

I was acknowledging feelings, but in a judgmental way ("You want to stay in bed. Great! So do I! Cool! Cool cool cool.").

I was trying to problem-solve in the heat of the moment instead of at a calmer time.

I was offering choices that were really more like threats ("Do you want to get dressed or do you want to make me late for work?").

I was taking action by treating my 2nd grader like a baby and doing things for her instead of letting her do them herself because she was doing everything so slow. (And, yes, there were mild insults involved like "Wow, are you part sloth?")

In the end, problem-solving with my daughter when we were both feeling happy and relaxed has made a big difference. She is practicing tying her shoes so she can do it faster. We are waking up a little earlier. I am working on being less sarcastic in the morning no matter how grumpy I feel. We are not morning people, so we need to try extra hard to make mornings pleasant for us both.

Thanks, Joanna Faber and Julie King! Shout out to the OGs Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, too.

[Melissa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Joanna Faber and Julie King know how to write parenting strategy books! I have had the pleasure of reading all their previously published books and I was thrilled to hear of their newest work. “How to Talk When Kids Won’t Listen” is an excellent follow up to the millions of caretakers who are familiar with their previous progressions of the “How to Talk” series. As parents, we aren’t always in optimal situations and enlisting their techniques on a regular basis can improve your communication strategy not just with children but, people in general. Most of us want to feel heard, validated, and understood. In those hard moments when parenting is at its most challenging, having techniques to create a safe setting and a willingness to listen makes all the difference. Faber and King outline their suggestions beautifully through real world examples and comic style diagrams, while doing a great job of fielding those “what if” types of questions you’re likely wondering about. The book feels real: it feels doable for the tired and frustrated, advice is specific and applicable from the first couple of pages, and applying even a few of these techniques will absolutely make a difference.

What a fabulous resource for caretakers, teachers, civic leaders, and people everywhere!

Thanks to NetGalley and Scribner for the chance read this book.

[Skaistė Girtienė · Rating 5 out of 5]

Labai labai gera knyga. Tiek daug pavyzdžių iš gyvenimo, kai netinkamai elgiamės su vaikais, ir svarbios žinios, kaip visgi elgtis ir kaip kalbėti. Mokausi iš jos. Manau, skaitysiu ir dar kartą.

[Alex Rohani · Rating 5 out of 5]

Love love love this book! Yes if you’ve read the other How To Talk books there will be a lot of crossover. This book has so many great relatable stories from readers though that make the ideas and lessons being taught clearly understandable and practicable. I also appreciated how the book is clearly outlined in the topics it covers in little sections. If you need to read up about ‘sharing’ it’s very easy to find that whole section or if you’re forgetting what to say instead of ‘but’ that section is easy to find. Overall just a wonderfully laid out book that makes it clear and easy to follow. I can vouch for most if not all of the techniques laid out in these books, they really do work. As one reader who had a story included said: “what black magic is this?”

[Maddy Bush · Rating 5 out of 5]

Super practical, helpful, and a quick read. Loving these authors and their tone. The concepts in this book are a foundation for much of the other respectful or positive parenting material I’ve read, and I find these authors to be maybe the most palatable and realistic. The first couple chapters are a summary of the more famous “How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk,” and the rest of the book walks you through using those tactics in specific scenarios. Will definitely refer back to this book often!

[Bridgette · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book series is a bit redundant but also very important! Although it strikes the same vein as all other books written in this series, sometimes parents need it spelled out for each scenario they are experiencing.

I am so glad resources like this exist because although they are applicable to children, they can be transferred to adults.

By following this advice I believe children can grow up to be emotionally intelligent problem solvers.

[AJ Payne · Rating 5 out of 5]

Audiobook.

My favorite parenting book is the original How to Talk so Kids Will Listen… It has a lot of really powerful tips. This book are those same tools repeated around various scenarios and real stories. So they made it super practical to use and in ways that almost every parent can really relate to. So I loved it, and it reinvigorated my striving to use these really great tools, techniques, and tips.

[Jordan · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.5 ⭐️, rounded up. 😊

I don’t feel like this book adds a ton more than the original, but it serves as a great reminder nonetheless. I like hearing examples of different scenarios where the same methods can be applied.

[Brittany · Rating 4 out of 5]

Nice little update to the little kids version of this book. I really appreciated the structure of the book, and that it wasn't just straight text chapter after chapter. The real-world examples and questions, and quick wrap-ups at the end of each chapter were really helpful.

[Kjersti · Rating 5 out of 5]

Great sequel. Although it’s not anything radically new from the first book, it’s new stories and updated references. They even have an app now lol. Overall a great help for getting in the right mindset to communicate with kids.

[Alyson Lucille · Rating 5 out of 5]

Awesome book!! Recommending to everyone with a child!!
Just not a sit down and read through book, more of a put down and digest it a bit before reading more and putting some skills to action, then going back.

[Emma K · Rating 5 out of 5]

So great. I reread books from this series/these authors at intervals and they help me center and recalibrate my relationship and interactions with my kids. Acknowledging feelings, giving into fantasy and fun, repairing, engaging kids in problem solving. It’s all so practically helpful and golden.

[Ginny Byers · Rating 5 out of 5]

Practical advice that we can use immediately to make family life more peaceful, loving, and understanding.