The Joy of Being Selfish: Why you need boundaries and how to set them

by Michelle Elman

Is your friendship group constantly filled with drama?
Does your boss make constant unreasonable demands?
Do you find yourself saying 'yes' to people and events to keep those around you happy?
Do you often find yourself emotionally exhausted and physically drained?
If so, you need a strong dose of boundaries.

It's time to discover the joy being selfish. Putting the needs of everyone around us before our own is ingrained in us from a young age. Often, this leaves us with little time or energy for much-needed self-love and self-care, and to figure out who we truly are and what we really want. Life coach and influencer '@scarrednotscared' Michelle Elman is here to teach you about reclaiming your life through the art of boundaries. The practical side of self-love, creating and upholding strong boundaries will teach others how to treat you, rid your life of drama and toxic relationships and allow you to love yourself and others in the best way possible.

Genres: Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Mental Health, Personal Development, Feminism, Relationships

320 pages, Hardcover

First published February 4, 2021

About the author

Michelle Elman is a five-board accredited life coach, broadcaster and author who is most known for her campaign Scarred Not Scared. Last year Michelle was named as one of The Sun's 50 most inspirational women in the UK and is recognised as one of the top 100 creatives creating change. Her second book “The Joy of Being Selfish” topped Amazon Charts when it was released this year and her debut book “Am I Ugly?” received rave reviews. She is often invited onto TV and radio worldwide for her expert opinion including features on Sky News, Loose Women, Channel 5 News, BBC Radio London, LBC as well as radio in Hong Kong, Ireland and Los Angeles. Michelle hosts her own podcast "In All Honesty" and is a prolific public speaker with her TedX talk being viewed 60,000 times. Known for her direct approach, her insight empowers people to stand in their power, set boundaries, and live life more honestly. 

Reviews

[Dimity Austin · Rating 5 out of 5]

Once and a while a book comes along that gives you exactly what you need at that time. This is that book for me.

I've been doing a lot of personal work on my own boundaries. And it's hard. But important. With Michelle's book I feel more capable in being able to tackle what I need too in order to be the best person I can be.

I feel like this should be a book that everyone has. I can't reccomend it strongly enough. Definetly a book I will read over and over again. As I feel like you can get something from it each time.

[Abiha · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cannot recommend this book enough. if you are going through a difficult time, this book equips you with the tools to get through. There are activities to ‘Take Action’ and lots of examples on how to articulate your boundaries in a healthy way.

[Magda · Rating 5 out of 5]

When you stop striving to be seen as a good wife, friend, employee, mother or daughter, it gives you permission to realize that you are a good person not because of what you can give or provide, but because of who you are.

Když já mám pro Michelle Elman takovou slabost. Všichni povinně na její Instagram + podcast.

[Chew B]

i heard about this book while crawling out of a major emotional slump, and i found it at the best of times, when i was already feeling overwhelmed and lacking in any way to keep up with any and every aspect of my life. i was already starting to realise the importance of boundaries and respecting my own needs more to ensure im comfortable and safe but that i also set expectations in order to maintain healthy relationships. this book has been the best impulse buy ive made this year.

these are likely things people have heard before, but because the author has been through the same nuances of putting others first and being something of a people-pleaser, it somehow felt more like a slap in the face and a nice shaking, and it spoke to me so much. i am taking so much away from this book to reevaluate my life and my interactions, not just in what works for me but also learning to be more respectful of my friends boundaries. the book gives incredibly useful examples of how to state boundaries and offers so much advice and reassurance, i will definitely be coming back to read it a few more times when i need it. its been really easy to read and follow and very nicely structured, an excellent read.

[Vanessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

Clear, direct, and easy to understand. Why boundaries are important, how to set them, and how you’ll know you’ve grown.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

Finally finished it! Took me a while to read just so I could digest and process all of the important points the book wanted to make. Such an important book for all of us figuring out how we best take care of ourselves in the modern/busy world, and what it looks like to have healthy boundaries with friends and family. Definitely worth your time to read this book.

[Julia · Rating 4 out of 5]

Fijn om te lezen wanneer je het gevoel hebt dat je het kan gebruiken. Heb zeker een aantal inzichten op gedaan en dingen geleerd die ik wel wil gaan toepassen. Leuk (en handig) hoe alles heel concreet wordt gemaakt met voorbeelden en soort oefeningen die je kan doen als je wil. Echt zo’n boek waar je wel even zin in moet hebben omdat het ook confronterend(?) kan zijn en je soms gewoon liever een roman leest haha.

[Priss · Rating 5 out of 5]

5/5. I don’t usually mark in my books but I did in this one. So many helpful tips! And I’m kind of excited to practice. (Also, I kind of want to do a reread already, but I will first read the other books of Michelle Elman’s that I have at home.)

[Audrey · Rating 2 out of 5]

I picked up this book after two friends told me (enthusiastically) about it. Like many people I occasionally find myself struggling with indicating boundaries, particularly in the work-field, so I figured, why not. I have to admit though that after finishing the book, it has left me feeling kind of 'meh' about it. Although, in fairness, a lot of that will have to do with the fact I really didn't feel like the target group for this book (although demographically speaking, I certainly am). On top of that, while I struggle with boundaries somewhat, this book is really aimed at those who have literally no boundaries at all and are basically living doormats. For those who really struggle so hard, this book might be a good fit.

What I liked
The book is written in an engaging, direct style that is easy to follow. Some parts and examples have a nice self-deprecating flair to it. On top of that, the book offers various exercises one can do to improve boundaries. Although Elman doesn't explain them in any detail, she hints at/uses a number of models common in other self-help books (Eisenhower's importance/urgency matrix, stimulus-response and shifting paradigms)

The part of the book I enjoyed the most was where the author listed simple replies to comments clearly meant to manipulate, guilt-trip or otherwise derail attempts at boundary-setting. I've copied down a couple for future use. I would say I look forward to giving them a whirl, but that would be equal to saying I look forward to someone crossing my boundaries.

The book has a very blunt and direct style, and doesn't focus much on empathy or conversation. However, in a way that might be a good thing, because someone who is prone to having their boundaries pushed will likely go too much for those elements already, and a good dose of harshness might be just what is needed.

What I didn't like
The book is very heavily targeted towards a niche demographic: women in their twenties, who are either in college or entrepreneurs, and care strongly about social issues. I expect this is because this is also the demographic the author herself belongs to, and she uses primarily personal examples in her book. In essence, there's nothing wrong with a book aimed at a niche, but I would have appreciated it if had been made more clear to me from the book's cover/title/blurb. Although I should take some of the blame, as one glance at the author's Instagram page could have shown me this (and then I likely wouldn't have picked it up).

Something I've seen with many self-help books (and it crops up here as well) is that often the examples just aren't that....lifelike. They'll either portray a situation where someone's behaviour is so outrageous that a child could see it's not okay, or some details have been left out which just make the examples look like weird 'and then everyone clapped' type stories.

The author uses the concept of 'childhood trauma' a little too liberally for my tastes. Any and all issues with boundaries she, without hesitation, attributes to some parenting failure you had to endure as a child.

Finally, the book has very strong undertones of identity activism. To me this is a negative because while I am sympathetic to many of their causes, I am often not a fan of their methods and their rhetoric. I appreciate that this is a personal dislike though. If you're into identity activism this book will not disappoint. The book veers off into women-specific issues regularly, and other 'staples' such as gaslighting exes, fat-shaming friends and patriarchal white men all get their time in the sun.

[Simon · Rating 2 out of 5]

Fortunately for this book and the author (and maybe even me), the word boundaries in the book's by-line was underlined, otherwise I'd have walked right past it on the shelf. It's an eye-catching, but confronting and slightly repelling title that, on first glance, left me thinking:

"As if we need to encourage more narcissism in this world".

However, I left the Wonderful Wellington bookshop, Unity Books, with my copy. Fast forward three months and here I am. Finished.

This book has many useful boundary-setting gems nestled amongst what I experienced as a roller-coaster of over-sharing lows, insightful contemporary highs, unnecessarily strong boundary-defining and reaffirming positions, and TMI examples of (what I thought were) adolescent relationships between people still working out who (and why) they are.

Knowing nothing of the author before finishing the book, I found myself frequently wondering who Michelle Elman was and what her back-story was. I imagined her a 20-something still finding her way in the world. Using this book to reinforce and reaffirm (if not offer an explanation to those in her wake of) decisions she's made in her teens and 20s.

I was pleased to read more about her once finished reading the book, and to discover she's a millennial, who this Gen-Xer has learnt a lot from but could have quite easily put the book down after the first 25 pages due to a disconnect with the style and method of story-telling used by the author.

I'm pleased I finished the book, and have some good ideas for setting more and better boundaries in my life ahead. I'd suggest it's a useful read, but advise a Gen-X to Millennial translator/filter may be necessary to make it to the end.

[Jesse JP · Rating 2 out of 5]

I really didn’t love this book, although admittedly I am probably not it’s key audience as I have actively been practicing boundary setting for a number of years.
It has a practical focus; it is packed full of examples, and has useful tidbits in it. Overall, I agree with the sentiments the author was promoting. But I also feel that a lot of the content breezes very lightly over topics I have dug into much more deeply with a psychologist, and I feel like without that context some of the points are ideas articulated in this book were poorly explained or not given enough attention.

Should you read this book? I think it would be wiser to seek out therapy or at least psychology backed books rather than get advice from an influencer. But, if you struggle to set boundaries this book serves as a good entry point…just don’t rely on it exclusively to address why you might struggle with boundaries in the first place.

[Florance Z · Rating 5 out of 5]

It’s free therapy!! Michelle Elman is roasting me and patting me on the head at the same time and I love her for it.

This is the third book in a row with 5 stars?? Maybe I need to stop reading so many amazing books. Anyways, this is an extremely valuable book and I’m glad I finally got around to buying and reading it. It’s one of those books I could see being on read-before-you-die lists. Boundaries have been this buzz-word that I’ve used in my new years resolutions but I wasn’t exactly sure what that looked like until this book. Seeing social media posts from Michelle already helped me a lot with topics covered in this book, but isn’t it convenient and comforting that it’s in this little easy-to-read book too? I would highly recommend this book for anyone, honestly. Hopefully, I’ll be applying the things I learned to my life :>

A good quote to preview: “Your home, like your life, is your space. You get to decide who comes in and who has to leave at any moment” (13).

[Alexandra R · Rating 2 out of 5]

Do you find yourself constantly doing things or going places you don’t want to be? Then it’s time to discover “boundaries”. This was a very different book to my usual choices and my first “self help style” I’ve read in many years!
Aspects really resonated with me. I have constant urning to feel liked so have often done or said things I didn’t really want to do to please others to the detrimental effect on myself but on the flip side there were elements I found myself cringing at or shaking my head as it just felt too “dramatic” for me. BUT that’s the point isn’t it? What is too much for me might not be for others which is why boundaries are there.
I don’t think I’ll take lots from this book and don’t see myself suddenly changing every relationship I have however it’s definitely made me more aware of making choices in my life I feel happy and comfortable about.

[Booksofswarley · Rating 4 out of 5]

3.75/5 ⭐

Très souvent d'accord avec le fond, pas toujours avec la forme.

[lizeindisney · Rating 4 out of 5]

I found this book incredibly helpful. It has called me out on my behaviour - I am very much a pushover - and provided me with the tools I need to change that.

Kindle

[Ellie · Rating 5 out of 5]

My dear friend once recommended me to read this at least three, maybe four years ago. I immediately added it to my list, but it wasn't until this February that it called out to me.
I wish I had picked it up sooner.
This was simply life changing for me. As someone who is already on a bit of a spiritual journey and is working on themself, this came back to me at the right time, just when I was ready for it. Elman clearly lays out her history, and how she grew from being a pushover to being an assertive woman, well in touch with her values and boundaries. She also gives clear and easy exercises to help you identify your issues and boundaries, and process past emotions.
This book has changed me, and I shall be returning to it frequently.

[Diane Hernandez · Rating 5 out of 5]

What’s up with the title, The Joy of Being Selfish? Well…sometimes you need to just say no. For your own mental health. If you never get any me time because you are constantly fulfilling the needs of others, this is a book you MUST read.

Admittedly, if you are a single parent of several young children, this book won’t magically send Mary Poppins to your house. But if you are solving everyone else in your orbit’s problems, this book will give you concrete reasons and methods to nip that behavior in the bud.

Being helpful is nice. But too much of anything is always bad. The people that you are helping need to learn how to help themselves. Realistically, you will not be available forever. Plus, how many times have you done a “favor” only to see the person you helped use their new free time for something fun you could be doing.

I received this advanced review copy of the book from a Publisher’s Weekly giveaway. I have already learned the lessons described in this book. However, both my best friend and my daughter will totally benefit from reading The Joy of Being Selfish. Now to decide which one to loan it to first. 5 stars!

Thanks to Welbeck Publishing for a copy in exchange for my honest review.

[Ivana Kumice Čitaju · Rating 5 out of 5]

Odlična knjiga. Za ovu knjigu sam odlučila koristiti markere,tako da trčim u dućan po boje. Knjiga je toliko dobro napisana i iskrena da ćete svako malo klimati glavom i reći  'e upravo to! Ima u njoj i vježbi.  Samo treba biti hrabar i reći neke stvari na glas,a to je ono što dosta nas treba naučiti.  

[Nia Gigg · Rating 1 out of 5]

Could be useful for somebody new to boundary setting. I found some of the examples and authors personal stories a bit .. awkward to read. They just felt a bit confrontational and aggressive maybe, which can often be the case with books of a similar nature/subject. For someone following the book verbatim, you may end up alienating and pushing away everybody that you know.

[Tessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book will be my companion for the years to come, will certainly re-read it 1000 times. It not only gives background in setting boundaries but also so many examples on how to practically DO it. Love it, helped me so much, and I will recommend it to everyone who wants to hear about it.

[Rebeka · Rating 2 out of 5]

Very subjective 2,5*
Reading this I confirmed what I knew all along. Self help books are just not for me. There is nothing wrong with the book, and I believe it can help many, but for me it was a torture. I felt like I'm reading it for ages without making any progress whatsoever.

[Sabina_bere · Rating 4 out of 5]

****4, 5 zvezdic****

Nekaterim se bo ta priročnik mogoče zdel nič posebnega, sama sem pa dobila kar nekaj koristnih napotkov, kako postaviti osebne meje. Ker znam biti preveč prijazna, me to včasih kar močno tepe. Poleg tega sem imela vse od najstniških let dolgo časa bolj slabo samopodobo. Mene ponavadi opisujejo kot res prijazno osebo. Ampak veste, kako je biti stalno prijazen? Naporno je, izčrpa te in nekateri to znajo izkoriščati v svoje namene. Kar nekajkrat sem se opekla, preden sem dojela, da moram biti najprej prijazna sama s sabo, potem pa se odločim po svoji vesti, kako bom delovala v določenem trenutku. Imam svoje napake, ampak z leti počasi spoznavam, kaj je boljše zame. Seveda pa je treba jemati zdravo osebno mejo drugače kot pa postavljanje zidu okoli sebe.

**
Pohvalno je, ker avtorica poleg primerov in zelo razumljivih analiz vključi tudi vaje oziroma naloge, ki pomagajo pri samopodobi ter postavljanju sebe na prvo mesto v situacijah, ki so nam sicer neprijetne. Včasih pozabimo nase in se ne znamo ceniti, ampak želimo poskrbeti najprej za druge. Priročnik mi je pokazal smernice za naprej.

[Michelle Zhang · Rating 5 out of 5]

first goodreads review! really enjoyed this book and applied what I learned and unlearned irl:) michelle is a wonderful example of the strong person I want to be and her book is amazing for setting boundaries with friends, family, your partner, and understanding that healthy communication is one of the most important skills in life! highly recommend for anyone, especially for young adults who are trying to figure out the person they want to grow into:)

[Marina Scarrone · Rating 3 out of 5]

Voto: 3.5 ⭐

Libro davvero utilissimo! Da leggere, secondo me, con un buon senso critico, sapendo discernere cosa è utile e cosa no. Non sono d'accordo su alcune cose, ma su tante altre la Elman è stata per me salvifica in questo momento della mia vita. Imparare a mettere i confini è una cosa di vitale importanza per ognuno di noi!
Questo non è solo un saggio, ma è un testo pieno di spunti pratici di vita vissuta nei quali ognuno di noi si può immedesimare. È un libro che ci dà molti strumenti giusti per vivere con più serenità la relazione con noi stessi e con gli altri!

[Emma · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really needed this book - I’ve never been interested in reading self-help type books before, but the way the author breaks down boundary setting means I can actually start setting boundaries effectively.

[Irisriete · Rating 5 out of 5]

Cannot recommend enough!!
Learning how to set better boundaries is so incredibly important.
making this into a 'sisterhood of traveling pants' type of book and borrow it to all my friends who might benefit.

[Eve Taylor-Mungai · Rating 5 out of 5]

EVERYONE needs to read this book. Absolutely everyone.

[Tessa · Rating 5 out of 5]

absolutely necessary for me

[Cecilie Lykke · Rating 4 out of 5]

a book you can always turn back to when you need it

[Diana Iovanel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Everyone is guaranteed to find something useful in this book. And for those boundaries you're already setting, either consciously or otherwise, it's good to be reminded or made aware of them.