I Took Her Name: Lessons From My Journey Into Vulnerability, Authenticity, and Feminism

by Shu Matsuo Post

Men are taught to live a story. But the story is a lie.Because you’re a man, you’re always the main character. You’re physically tough. Stoic and strong. You never cry. You’re smart, athletic, and financially successful. You’re dominant, in control, and independent. All. The. Time.Now, what if you could CHANGE that story?Shu Matsuo Post is a successful businessman in Japan, one of the most gender-rigid nations on the planet. When he got married and chose to take his wife’s name, the opposition he encountered gave him an unexpected glimpse into a woman’s world. It also gave him a taste of vulnerability, emotional connection, and the freedom he had been craving all his life.Flowing seamlessly between his own journey, his wife’s journey, and their journey together as they struggled to break the bonds of gender limitations, I Took Her Name is a powerful roadmap for defying expectations and becoming your authentic self.Step out of the old story, embrace your full potential, and claim the unlimited freedom of an unscripted life.

Genres: Nonfiction

254 pages, Kindle Edition

Published December 1, 2020

Reviews

[Jessica Wilkins · Rating 5 out of 5]

Just finished reading this and loved it. This book blew me away. It's not just a book about a Japanese guy who decided to take his American wife's last name but it explores so many things about relationship norms, masculinity and feminism, gender roles, and life in general. I think it's a perfect book to prompt lots of discussion as we figure out how to love one another and appreciate our true and authentic selves. Shu's writing style is friendly and it reads like a fireside conversation more than a preachy text. He's vulnerable and open about his upbringing and struggles and trying to fit in while being himself. As someone who lived in Japan for 4 years, I found that he shed a lot of light onto what is going on in that country. I wished I had asked him more about it when I was living there! But this is an important and timely book.. I feel encouraged and excited to think that these ideas will be in people's hands and I feel hopeful that through this book, more people will become more open-minded and able to understand and appreciate others as we all try to live our best lives!

[Elizabeth Justesen · Rating 5 out of 5]

I felt this book was well thought out and researched well. You can tell how passionate the author is about the topic. I really enjoyed reading the author’s personal stories as well as stories of those who have come forward. I had no idea about some of the “rules” in Japan and found it absolutely fascinating. I’m grateful someone is bringing this issue to light and making it applicable for both men and women! It’s a must read for everyone!

[Bethanie Baynes · Rating 5 out of 5]

Learning about the global aspect of masculinity and gender-based assumptions was fascinating. Shu Matsuo Post lays out the implications and impact these damaging expectations have on both men and women. A very thought-provoking read from a first hand account which should help all to see how significant these seemingly "little" things are to how we identify and define our roles, both at home and in society.

[Trishit Banerjee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Any discussion around patriarchy and feminism often worries me if it would devolve to bashing of one gender. However, learning about Shu Matsuo Post convinced me that his book is a definite read!

Right from the beginning Matso Post declares that this isn't an academic book. His honest admittance means that the book doesn't try to be authoritative in any way but rather asks us to question ourselves about gender roles. With multiple references in every chapter along with his deeply personal experiences regarding changing of name and assault, this book gives an unbiased opinion about feminism. Matsuo Post doesn't demand you to change your name but rather asks you to make decisions based on logic and reasoning and not just because it is a tradition.

The book introduces us to a brief history of surnames and how words in different languages are sexist in their design. It also highlights about toxic masculinity, meat, homophobia and environment through the prism of gender expectations. Even though Matsuo Post focusses significantly on Japan and the Japanese language, the book translates across all borders and feels relatable irrespective of one's origins.

In the end, the book gives us many handy tips to tackle sexism and gender roles in daily lives. If there is one book you want to read this year about feminism and yet not be burdened with sheer amount of data and graphs, this is a book I recommend!

P.S : There is an interesting quote by Toshiko Kishida in the book which I have decided to use more frequently - "“If it is true that men are better than women because they are stronger, why aren’t our sumo wrestlers in the government?”"

[Leah · Rating 5 out of 5]

Matsuo Post is a vulnerable and authentic author. His goal is to share his story and how he changed his narrative on being a feminist. He shares so others feel the same need, want and urgency to follow suit. It is a worthwhile read to start thinking and pushing ourselves to take action.

[Anne Noble · Rating 5 out of 5]

I have heard a lot about feminism, but reading this book has completely changed my thought process.

I will recommend this book to all, as this is coming from an author who has actually lived and shown us how to be a true feminist. Go for this wonderful book!

[Rachel Leung · Rating 5 out of 5]

“I took her name” shares much love on Shu’s country, his family and awakening to people on equality. His personal stories in the book is fascinating which I enjoyed reading a lot!
This book is personal and authentic, and inspiring to a lot of men and women.

[Andreia · Rating 2 out of 5]

I don't think this was an invaluable read. There were some positives from this read and I feel as though I learned new and important information, particularly about the state of systemic misogyny in Japan. However, there were flaws; these irked me and probably diminished the entire reading experience.

Firstly, I do want to focus on the positives: the author of the book is a Japanese man, who was born and socialised in Japan for the first 15 years of his life. I don't tend to read many books by male authors, not to mention authors who grew up in non-English speaking nations (though this is an aspect of my reading that I am actively working on) so this was a novel perspective for me and allowed me to get a glimpse of a world I am unused to. Also, included in this short book were brief snippets of individual Japanese women and their personal experiences with sexism and misogyny encountered in Japan. I really enjoyed aspects of this book - for example, the story of a midwife who was fired for asking for pregnancy leave during her 4th pregnancy - it allowed me to get a better understanding of the level of systemic misogyny in Japan's patriarchal society. There were also key statistics and facts (such as camera shutter sounds are not possible to be disabled in phones sold in Japan to prevent sexual photos being taken without women's consent) included which really put into perspective how pervasive this issue is. Though this read was not necessarily very influential for me or aligned closely with my own personal feminist ideologies, I think its existence is important and beneficial for others, particularly cisgender men, to read. Furthermore, reading about the impact of feminism on a man was refreshing; Matsuo Post's perspectives and how the patriarchy impacted his life experiences were refreshing, particularly in his recount on the difficulty of changing his name after marriage and how (Japanese) society just expects women to undergo that process without help or prior explanations.

However, there were many flaws I noted during the read which both bothered and frustrated me. Firstly, there was a lack of gender-inclusive language, with frequent mention of the world being a 50/50 male-female split and how this should mean equal opportunities for both genders. Despite understanding and agreeing with his general point - all genders should be societally, politically, and economically equal - my issue lies in the word 'both'. I understand this is not supposed to be a super in-depth analysis of feminist theory, but I feel as though this could be a great introduction to some people to the role and presence of gender non-conforming people in the feminist sphere. I feel as though this book is targeted towards cisgender and heterosexual men and I think this would have been a great way to promote intersectional ideas and language to an audience who may be less exposed to this way of thinking. Following off this point, the language used was very heteronormative, with people attracted to the same gender or multiple genders attached on as an afterthought. This is probably not a massive problem for most people, and this is likely a result of Matsuo Post being a cishet married man to a (presumably) cishet woman, but as a queer person I am probably more sensitive to this and it just annoyed me a little. Furthermore, in this same vein of thought, there was zero mention of transmisogyny; of course, this is not the focus of the book at all but leaving out the misogyny that transwomen face, this being a big focus of 4th wave feminist thought, was strange to me. As this book feels like half a memoir, half an introduction of sorts to feminism, this could at least been briefly mentioned and it felt odd to leave it out. Not to mention, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie was quoted twice in this book: as she is known to have made trans-exclusionary comments in the past, this aspect of the book really did bother me.
On a more superficial level, I don't think the writing of this book was for me. Although I enjoyed the accessible language and the almost conversational tone which made reading this a super fast and not arduous process, it felt a little lacking of skill. To best put this, it read a bit like a blog post, which isn't a bad thing by any means, but it definitely isn't a format of reading I am used to nor enjoy reading in a book.

Overall, I don't think I lost anything by reading this book. Honestly, I gained greater insight into the experience and benefits of feminism on men, especially those raised in highly patriarchal societies, but the flaws I highlighted in this review definitely hindered my opinions about this book.

[Matt Barker · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shu Matsuo Post has written a part memoir, part history and part call to arms challenging notions of what it means to be a man and how we can all make changes to become feminists. I was particularly fascinated by some of the challenges Shu has faced in Japan, including the complexities around taking his wife’s name. His book also made me realise how I have unwittingly reinforced gender stereotypes when learning Japanese. (There are three ways to say I as a male but only one as a female. I would often use the male I when speaking my limited Japanese, rather than the gender neutral I that females have to use and men can choose to use.) I value greatly an author who respectfully challenges my thinking. Shu Matsuo Post has done just that.

[Hugo · Rating 5 out of 5]

Having often participated in various trainings in both NGO and private sector on gender awareness, mainstreaming and having taken masculinities as a subject in university - I greatly appreciate this book as it breaks down topics that are often over complicated. Through this into auto-biographical “journey”, the author explores how he has become aware of gender inequality and toxic masculinity within his own society (Japan) but also within our more global western-influenced culture at large. I wish this is a book I would have read earlier in life (at high school level) as a crash course and sincere exploration of the topics of gender inequality awareness for men. Highly recommend it and salute the author’s candidness on writing such a courageous book.

[Erika · Rating 3 out of 5]

読みながら思った事を箇条書きで：

・どうやら著者と私は同い年らしい(1991年に6歳!)。そして、私は3−11歳にアメリカに住んでたがその後UK留学やUSの親元に行く以外は基本日本にいるし、職場も日本なので、著者と似て非なる日米体験をしていると言える。(小学生だと、あんまり性別について考える事なかったしな…生理に関する授業はあったけど)
・この本のメインターゲットは1）日本の事をよく知らない、2）フェミニズムがなんなのかよく知らない、3）男性(IntroductionでDear Menって言ってるし)。なので、1−3全てに当てはまらない私にはちょっと物足りない。
（日本人女性でジェンダーの話やフェミニズムについて常に考えている私には、日本語の一人称の話や、日本社会での女性の立ち位置の話は、わざわざ説明される必要はない。新しい情報もないし。）
・というか、文章がちょっと稚拙に感じてしまった。高校生が提出したレポートみたい。「I」が多いからかなぁ。それとも、一文���文が短い上に単純な単語が多いからかなぁ。まぁ、私だって高尚な文章は書けないけど。
・上記2点が相まって、途中途中飽きてしまって眠たくなってしまった。けれど、単純な文章だからこそ読みやすいのは確か。この本を読む時間は合計3−4時間くらいしかかかってない。それこそ、日本の高校の英語の授業の教材にぴったりじゃないかこの本。内容的にも言語レベル的にも。
・また、題名にもなってる「男性が妻の苗字に変える大変さ」。これは、著者の結婚相手が日本国籍じゃないから大変だったんではないかと読んでいて思った。勿論、苗字を変える側は全ての公的文書の名前を変えないといけないから大変だろう。でも、そういう名前の変更なら皆やってるから結構役所側もスムーズに対応できようになってるんじゃないかと思う。(←自分へのメモ：友人達や母に話を聞いてみる事)
（ちなみに、私の幼馴染(女性)の結婚相手(男性)も、幼馴染の苗字に変えた。幼馴染の苗字が物凄く珍しいものだから特別感があった、というのが大きい理由だろうけど(彼にはそういう浅はかな所があった)、彼がやろうと思ってできるんだから、そこまで難しい事でもないのかな、と。(浅はかで馬鹿で短絡的で最悪な屑男だった。幼馴染は金銭的に寄生され、心身共に暴力を振るわれ、一年経たずに離婚したが、離婚後も相手が彼女の苗字を使ってる可能性もあるらしく、彼女のご両親が嫌がっている…)……取り敢えず幼馴染に、男性が妻の苗字に変える時にどんな手続きを踏んだのか聞いてみよう。彼女が重度の鬱状態から回復したら…）
・途中から、「男らしさ＝肉食」という構図から、菜食主義の重要性について語り始めたのは意外な方向だったので驚いた。そうか、そう繋げるのか。興味深い。確かに「俺ヴィーガンなんだ」と言われると軟弱な感じする。が、それを菜食主義の地球環境への影響の話に繋げるのは、大風呂敷を広げ過ぎな気がする。あと、↑の発言者への忌避感は、どちらかというと、「俺に合わせろ」という圧力を感じるから嫌、という気持ちも大きい。肉を食べないからと言って、自動的にフェミニストになるわけではないし、肉好きだからといってフェミニストじゃないわけじゃないし。
・同じく、ヨガやマインドフルネスについての箇所も。確かに映画なんかではそういうのに傾倒している人を揶揄する描写が多い。確かに、「男らしい」とは見られないかもしれない。けれど、ここでヨガ等の良さについて語るのは、飛躍しすぎなんじゃないだろうか。言いたいことは分かる。けれど無理矢理感がある。
・また、ヨガの話あたりから、自己啓発本のような、読者を鼓舞する文章になってきて、自己啓発本嫌いの私としては胡散臭く感じてしまう。良かれと思って書いているのは分かる。言いたいことも分かる。けどナンカチガウ感。
・性差別的言葉に関して：be a manとかlike a girlとか、日本語の「女々しい」と似たような日常に使う言葉に潜む性差別的言い方の一覧があったのは良かった。が、その前の章(第7章最後のページ)にAre you man enoughというフレーズが出てきた時は「あれ？」となった。後の章でそういう言葉遣いの一覧が出てくるとは知らなかったので、「ここでいうmanは人って意味って拡大解釈すべきなんだろうか」「いや、これは男性に当てて書いてる文章だらこれでいいのか」等、色々言い訳を考えてしまった。この「相手の為に違和感を無かったことにする」癖、良くないな、と気付けた。
・（これは本そのものの感想ではないんだが多少気になる事：他のレビューで星５つにしてる人々が、ほぼ2020年の11/30-12/3の間に投稿していて、このレビューが唯一という人が多い。まぁ、私が友人に何かレビュー頼まれたとしても、自分の専門外だった場合は同じように絶賛するしかないとは思うけど、なんかなぁ...(私の場合は音楽や化粧品のレビューだったりするので、星５段階評価は求められない)。ちなみに私が古本屋さんで見つけて買った版も、著者のメッセージと手紙入りだった。ここで検索した限り、レビューはしてないようだけど。）

……取り敢えず、思いついたのはこのくらい。
また思い出したら追記する。

この本の対象は私ではないのが明白なので、残念ながら新しい発見もアハ体験もなかったけど、日本におけるフェミニズムがどんなものなのか、そして男性から見たフェミニズムがどんなものなのか知れて良かった（+フェミニズムが女性の為だけでなく、男性の為にもなる、というメッセージも良い！）ので、星3.5。

[Maxime HAVARD · Rating 5 out of 5]

I really enjoyed this book and wanted to share a few of my impressions. I hope that many will read it and, like me, will benefit from the experience of the author and his insights about gender equality & feminism. It will do a lot of good.

I finished the book in a couple hours (on my Iphone on the train...). The format is really clean which made it quick and enjoyable to read. It's well structured, each section has a clear theme, the logic between the sections flows nicely. The way it is written also makes it easily accessible, with nothing too convoluted or hard to understand. That will help non-native/fluent english speakers for sure.

Gender equality and feminism are obviously topics I had heard about before, at work, in the news or through debates with friends/colleagues. However, I had never taken the time to deep dive into these topics in detail. As a consequence, I didn't really have a well-rounded fact-based opinion about these matters.
I guess I was just telling myself that growing up in France and being married to a Dutch woman would naturally give me a decent awareness level on gender equality and feminism. I was wrong. While reading this book, I realized that I was blind to much of the institutional gender injustice of our society.

This book clearly opened my mind to many issues well-entrenched in our daily lives and to the importance of fighting together for a more gender equal society, and supporting feminism. Given that I now have a young daughter, I want to be extra careful with these things in her education. Thank you for her.

[Kimberly Jean · Rating 5 out of 5]

A fascinating look into gender in Japan for all audiences!

I Took Her Name is an honest and introspective journey through the author’s experiences. As a foreigner living in Japan, I really enjoyed the way the book unpacks Japanese culture through anecdotes, research, and a sense of humor.

The book follows a narrative of Shu’s own story, starting from childhood through present day, accompanied with sections that inform the reader as well as provide a call to action. The reading experience was really pleasant; I felt like I was sitting across the table from Shu over a cup of coffee. His conversational tone, breadth of knowledge, and enthusiasm for his subjects were infectious. I even found myself sharing passages with my own partner as I read. The book really is a catalyst for conversation.

Another strength of the book is that he approaches the topic with an incredibly wide scope. From mindfulness, diet, domestic responsibilities, politics, history, he weaves it all together in a comprehensive discussion. I not only recommend that you read this book, but find someone to read it alongside you; it’s impossible not to share!

[Tom Hegblom · Rating 5 out of 5]

I’ve considered myself a feminist for many years. As a male, I’ve felt like it was part of my duty to empower the women in my life. As a counselor and educator, I strive to employ a feminist counseling approach with the clients I work with. I should be good, right? Not so fast! This book helped me realize that my alignment with feminism wasn’t quite enough. It’s great to talk the talk, but it’s important I’m able to walk the walk, too. The experiences described by the author in his quest to break patriarchal norms imposed upon him opened my eyes to the need for more than feminism, the need for anti-sexism. This book helped me reflect on my need to be vulnerable, affirm my quest to readily display emotions and feelings and feel strong while doing so, and continue to consider what actions I can take to support and promote the women in my life. I would recommend following Shu’s journey into feminism and anti-sexism and develop or continue your own journey by reading this book.

[Rei · Rating 5 out of 5]

Reading this book was a refreshing perspective into the topic of feminism through the personal experiences of the author, Shu Matsuo Post. Feminism has often been emphasized strongly as a fight supported by mostly women with a smaller focus on their male counterparts. However in this inspiring book the author points out why men should start raising their voices and joining the conversation of feminism. Even as a woman, reading this made me recognize the experiences how these gender inequalities affect not only myself but men such as my brothers. Also, I felt that it was a beautiful love story between the author and his wife in a heart-warming tale interlaced with the messages of feminism and gender quality. I really enjoyed it, and would recommend it to anyone that has an interest!

[Lili · Rating 5 out of 5]

An honest and courageous introspection of a Japanese man on his journey to feminism.

The narrative presents an inspiring vulnerable reflection on personal experiences related to reimagining masculinity, especially in the context of Japan. The book's message is bigger than tackling the issue of gender inequality in marriage certificates, despite the focus on "I took her name" process. I felt like it is also about healthy partnerships, about evolving relationships with our parents and about deepening the relationship with ourselves. And even more, how all of these relationships are all affected by the gendered believes we hold. I believe the book is such a powerful and relatable call for action to men on how to engage with and contribute to gender equality or feminism.

[Sarah Johnson]

“I Took Her Name” by Shu Matsuo Post is a fascinating book about one man’s experiences in his home country, Japan and America. Matsuo Post writes about feminism and puts a spotlight on what questions we should be asking not just women but men alike. Perhaps what we should be doing about feminism as a society is asking more questions and not being afraid of what ideals we grew up with and were told...how men should act, how women should be treated, what is masculine and what is feminine... Matsuo Post dives into his story and how he came to take his wife's name. He takes the reader on his journey of self discovery, changing is narrative, and finding his identity. Best book I have read in a while. I highly recommend this book!

[Maha · Rating 5 out of 5]

A Must-Read Book for Everyone! Highly Recommended

I Took Her Name is a powerfully and beautifully written book, that teaches us how to gain freedom through equality. This book made me understand why gender equality is important for all, and how to act against social norms and stereotypes existing subconsciously in everyday life.
I finished the book quickly because it was interesting and engaging, yet deep and inspiring.
I would like to gift this book to friends and family, so they can learn from this book.
I highly recommend you to read it - you will not regret it!

[Lesley-Anne Hoxie · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a book about the identities that we live with and one person’s journey in not letting them define who he is.
At least that’s really what I saw— that gender, where you live or from, what you look like, what you do for a living should not dictate the role we will play or the life that we lived.
I think philosophical the direct message of feminism written here is written for those who may not have given it much thought, although I did find some of the facts about other countries subconscious gender roles interesting.
To be the real magic of the book is the parts that are more memoir, that deal with feeling around questions like “who am I? Who do I want to be?” Are the strongest because they lead by example the message of strength in vulnerability and attempting to be a more authentic and therefore more satisfied person in life.

[Mercedes Fox-griffin · Rating 5 out of 5]

I love a lot about this book but most importantly, I love his authenticity and the journey Shu takes you on. He really challenges you to take on a fresh perspective into feminism through his lens. It is insightful to see how the process of changing his name really peeled back layers of what being a man in Japan and the US has been like and how he challenged himself and now many others, to make a change.

[Meghan Stinar · Rating 2 out of 5]

I'll say this book wasn't for me. I did enjoy learning about Japanese culture and how it pertained to feminism. I felt like the writing was disjointed and under-researched, making it feel either much too long or way too short. I wish Matsuo Post would have co-written this with his wife. You may enjoy this if you're a man who doesn't have any background knowledge on the subject.

[Ancy Cherian · Rating 5 out of 5]

Shu is a great storyteller, and his story is an epitome of feminism. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this. The author's journey and experiences are thought-provoking about various existing traditions meant to curb women's rights. Bringing a change is not easy but also not impossible. This book is a must read!

[Stephanie Boedecker · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was an interesting take on gender roles, bias, and ingrained stereotypes which have all been brought into question as of late. The title mislead me slightly as the author took his wife's name, but also kept his own. Having lived in South Korea previously I'm well aware of the gendered language and biases of eastern cultures, so many sections were relateable.

[Heather Bonneson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is such a wonderfully done book about feminism that everyone can relate to. Shu did an excellent job connecting stories of his past to present issues on feminism. I can't stop talking about this book with my spouse, family and friends. This is a great book for all to read!

[山下 · Rating 5 out of 5]

I Love it.　フェミニズムやGender Equalityについて固く書かれていなく、身近に気づくことがたくさんあるんだよ、ということを教えてくれた本でした。英語があまり得意ではない私でも読むことができたので、高校生でも読めると思います。

[Spencer · Rating 5 out of 5]

What a refreshing read! The courage and compassion of this author is admirable. The book screams of authenticity, vulnerability and realness. I can't recommend it highly enough.

[Shoko Tsuji · Rating 4 out of 5]

Interesting perspective of a Japanese man’s self discovery and encounter with feminism. Easy read.

[Lynna · Rating 4 out of 5]

While I was traveling in Japan, a friend I made at a hostel lent me this book on a rainy day when I had nothing to do. I didn't think I would enjoy this book since I don't read much nonfiction, and, honestly, I wasn't sure how a book about feminism written by a man would read. Anyway, I ended up enjoying it and finished it within a day or two. It was interesting reading about a man coming to feminism and learning how it's affected and continues to affect his life. This story is intersectional and very specific to him as a straight cisgender Japanese man who has lived in various countries and is now married to a White American wife. As he talks about his own experiences he reflects on the greater society and gives some insights that are specific to Japan, as the title is about his journey to taking his wife's name in Japan which he finds out is rather difficult. The specificity of this is what makes it a great and insightful read.

I did feel like the title lied to me though. When I hear a wife take a husband's last name, I immediately think that they use only the husband's last name as is the tradition. It would have been quite shocking if he gave up his last name for his wife's surname, but that's not the case. He keeps his surname and adds hers to it. This is quite common in the US where I'm from so it didn't sound like much to me. After reading it, however, I do see that it is quite radical to add his wife's last name to his in Japan given all the hoops he had to jump through. I understand that "I Added Her Name" does not have the same impactful ring to it.