Letters to a Young Therapist

by Mary Pipher

Mary Pipher's groundbreaking investigation of America's "girl-poisoning culture," Reviving Ophelia , has sold nearly two million copies and established its author as one of the nation's foremost authorities on family issues. In Letters to a Young Therapist , Dr. Pipher shares what she has learned in thirty years as a therapist, helping warring families, alienated adolescents, and harried professionals restore peace and beauty to their lives. Letters to a Young Therapist gives voice to her practice with an exhilarating mix of storytelling and sharp-eyed observation. And while her letters are addressed to an imagined young therapist, every one of us can take something away from them. Long before "positive psychology" became a buzzword, Dr. Pipher practiced a refreshingly inventive therapy--fiercely optimistic, free of dogma or psychobabble, and laced with generous warmth and practical common sense. But not until now has this gifted healer described her unique perspective on how therapy can help us revitalize our emotional landscape in an increasingly stressful world. Whether she's recommending daily swims for a sluggish teenager, encouraging a timid husband to become bolder, or simply bearing witness to a bereaved parent's sorrow, Dr. Pipher's compassion and insight shine from every page of this thoughtful and engaging book.

Genres: Psychology, Nonfiction, Counselling, Mental Health, Social Work, Memoir, Self Help

208 pages, Paperback

First published January 1, 2003

About the author

Mary Elizabeth Pipher, also known as Mary Bray Pipher, is an American clinical psychologist and author, most recently of Women Rowing North, a book on aging gracefully. Prior to that, she wrote The Green Boat, which was published by Riverhead Books in June 2013.

Reviews

[Meowbie · Rating 2 out of 5]

This was a breathtakingly trite book, passed off as a series of saccharine letters to a supervisory grad student called Laura. After the fact, it comes as both a disappointment and a relief to learn that Laura is fictitious. As another reviewer aptly said, Pipher's relationship with Laura borders on inappropriate and the notion of declaring a favourite so emphatically also feels icky.

The title is a tilt towards Rilke, but expect none of Rilke's magic in these pages. The quotable passages that I did glean all ended up being other people's words (e.g. the therapist who said he could probably only productively help clients most like himself). Pipher herself seems to have little depth as a therapist, preferring twee conclusions and homespun advice rather than exploring the gritty boundaries and limits of therapy in the field. And for all her talk of non-judgment, her judgmental tone seeps through jarringly in several places e.g. when she proffers to an imaginary client who has just mentioned his "dysfunctional family", "Let's not worry about what to call it." I would not be happy as a client if my therapist said that to me. There are precious few moments in the book she digs deeper, such as the mother and son whose infighting was the only real connection they shared.

This book was assigned reading in the Orientation class of my Counselling Psych grad course. It is not fun to contemplate an upcoming class discussion by starry-eyed Pipherphiles who gush about how they sipped peach tea with a cat on their lap, just like Mary told them to. It will be up to me to reveal that the emperor has no clothes, to recuse myself from the rest of the discussion and take an honourable zero.

I happened to read Pipher in between Stephen Grosz' "The Examined Life" and Irvin Yalom's "The Gift of Therapy", both of which are brilliant retrospectives on the alchemical relationship between therapist and client. Instead of gold, Pipher delivers lead-covered lead. I read the book a second time, thinking I had been too harsh, but now I only wish for those precious hours of my life back. For readers of the audiobook version, you can also look forward to Eliza Foss' achingly soppy delivery -- the perfect tone for this book.

[Jessica · Rating 2 out of 5]

Not everything in the book is trash. But I found it just so hokey. Like overly sentimental and contrived. I am a sensitive, emotional type of person, I can stand a metaphor or winding story or two as long as it makes sense for the overall narrative but in the case of this book it was just too much.

Too much talking about her boring old lady life outside of therapy (dude I kinda like birdwatching too but I didn’t pick up a therapy book to read about sandpiper cranes or whatever) and not enough actual substance.

Also found myself disagreeing and partially offended by the chapter on “family bashing” and how families are apparently innocent and we should all forgive our horrible parents. Lady it’s nice that you grew up with slightly distant yet overall capable doctor parents but some of us were raised by raging unforgivable narcissists and it DID cause damage and no we can’t just get over it and have those toxic people in our lives because they’re ‘faaamily’ and they ‘did the best they could’ because they will continue to be malignant boundary-crossers.

I just thought overall the tone of the book was a bit patronizing and condescending. Found myself disagreeing with her a lot about certain things and being bored during her off-topic interludes. I’m so glad I only checked this one out from the library and didn’t spend my own money on it. I won’t be reading it again or recommending it. I’d recommend checking out Irvin Yalom’s “The Gift of Therapy” instead of you are interested in a book of advice for beginner therapists.

[Yesenia Cash · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was wonderful, even if you’re not a therapist it was such a great read!

[Shima · Rating 3 out of 5]

Diaries of an Old(er) Therapist might have been a more accurate name, though they are disguised as letters to the writer's favourite graduate student. (I found that format more than a little creepy. I would be quite uncomfortable if my supervisor wrote a book of letters to me, but I'll have to assume that Laura is more of a fictional recipient, a stand-in for all the young students in the writer's imagination rather than an actual flesh and bone person.)

This book is a mixed bag. There is some concrete advice like suggesting specific questions therapists can ask clients, as well as more general thoughts on psychotherapy, all peppered with plenty of short examples from the author's own work. Then there are also musings from the author's own personal life, and there are plenty of things that seem way more like the author's own opinion on therapy rather than any kind of evidence-based facts. If I read this book without a degree in psychology, I would definitely not come away from it believing that it is any kind of science.

As for the author's opinions, there is a degree of scepticism around medication and diagnosis that I found borderline stigmatising, and that I can't imagine would feel great to read if you have personal experience with either. On top of that, the author puts a particularly great emphasis on respecting families, however, she mostly steers clear of talking about abusive families besides saying that she realises they exist. Then she moves on to talk extensively about why basically having any family is better than no family at all, i.e "While families are imperfect institutions, they are also our greatest source of meaning, connection, and joy." Also, would not be great to read for anyone from an abusive family.

Despite the abrasive bits, it was still a short, easy-to-read book. The length is an indication that it does not go into anything, a topic, or a particular example, too deeply. Instead, it does really feel like the short snippets of thoughts written by a therapist who is looking back at her career and giving an overview of her thoughts on the field. However, for a more touching, narrative-like book written about therapy by a therapist, I'd suggest Maybe You Should Talk to Someone: A Therapist, Her Therapist, and Our Lives Revealed.

[CJ · Rating 4 out of 5]

I picked this book up while browsing because when I flipped it open to scan a single page, I got caught for 10. She had hooked me, right in the middle of the book, so it had to come home with me. As a counselor, this book appealed to me because I found one of the most overwhelming aspects of providing therapy was the feeling that I wasn't really helping *enough*. (And yes, I had completed all my classes, my internship, etc., and knew that there is no way that a counselor, therapist, psychologist, etc. can "fix" anyone else or that we can cure every problem we come across. It was still overwhelming to have someone walk in, sit down, and trust that I was going to be able to point them in the right direction to help them get better.)

It was nice to read about someone who had done some truly valuable work with people, but who had also made some serious faux pas' and only realized it after she had erred, and who could later say "Look, this was what I did that didn't turn out right."

She offers some wonderful general advice to new therapists and also provides a much needed window into why people do this kind of work, all in such an engaging way that it's hard to put down once you start it. It's refreshingly lacking the sickly sweet touchy feely we're-all-wonderful-human-beings-who-need-to-be-valued sentimentality that seems to have pervaded the watered down self help pseudo therapeutic writing of late.

[Molly · Rating 4 out of 5]

4.5 stars!!

Oh I loved this book! Felt like just a conversation between me and an experienced therapist, but in a comforting, validating way. Would recommend to anyone in the field, and I know I’m gonna reread this one like a bajillion times.

[⚔️Caitlyn🌙 · Rating 3 out of 5]

I enjoyed this book for the most part. It was a quick and easy read, as well as a glimpse into the life of one therapist and her work. I will say I thought the book would be a lot deeper than it was. It feels very surface level and didn’t really share any new solutions, issues, or insights that I didn’t have already know about in that field

[Max · Rating 2 out of 5]

Mary Pipher’s Letters to a Young Therapist serves a similar function to books about therapy, to prospective therapists such as On Becoming a Person by Rogers and The Gift of Therapy by Yalom. The genre is psychology, self-help but it is also similar to memoir in the beginning and ending paragraphs of each chapter, which are letters or diary installments. The book organizes the chapters into the four seasons that Piper wrote the letters in, and these letters are directed towards Laura - a graduate student Pipher is supervising. Pipher uses her personal life, her experience with 30 years of clients, and lessons learned from literature to offer advice to the reader or “Laura” about how to counsel effectively, what to do in certain situations, strategies Pipher commonly employs, and things that Pipher believes.

Choosing to use short quotes in letter or diary-esque format means that everything becomes personal, opinionated, or subjective, often without much of an argument to follow. Additionally, the work is heavily laden with metaphors, analogies, and literary devices that seemed gratuitous. Pipher writes, “Some of my metaphors are hokey or trite, but the best are like pebbles whose rough spots smooth down over the years.” In a book that is supposed to offer practical advice, the many metaphors were a deviation from most of the other self help books I’ve read, that use little to no metaphors, or a couple continuous, overarching ones. Ironically, Pipher acknowledges her limits as a writer, but continues to follow that with another ill-fitting and extraneous metaphor.

To say something positive, certain chapters, such as those about Endurance, Helping Ophelia’s family, Self-Care, Danger and Failures felt relatively strong compared to the others.
There are some nuggets of wisdom, but you have to mine them in hordes of irrelevant descriptions of nature, details of Piphers personal history, and more.


Here is a list of quotes that I disagreed with, or found strange:


“I’ve had strong biases against family bashing, cutoffs, and blaming people who were not in the room to defend themselves. I’ve urged clients to go home for holidays and attend family reunions. I never use the term dysfunctional family.”

“But I also believe that we can’t hate our families without hating ourselves”

“If people don’t trust their families, who can they trust?”

“Much of what people call depression is simply sadness brought on by events”
Contradiction of another acknowledgement that depression is a biochemical deficiency, or onset by environmental factors

“There is more information about sex now, but there is more pressure to be sexual and, of course, there is AIDS.”

“She wore boots and jeans with a halter top that would’ve been sexy if she hadn’t weighed 100 pounds”
Not sure why she referred to a client's clothing as sexy under certain conditions, or why she is judging based on appearance at all, or how this unnecessary depiction of clients is relevant to the reader's understanding of therapy.

“Writing that is too elegant distracts the reader.”

“People are pretty much as happy as they make up their minds to be”


And perhaps my least favorite, buried in a rant on reality TV shows:

“Recently I watched a part of a “reality-television” program. I was disgusted and angered by it. Perhaps my work with refugees and the poor made me especially insensitive to its tastelessness. But I found it repugnant that in a world so filled with starving children and desperate people, Americans would watch manufactured trauma for entertainment. The superficiality and falsity of the show sickened me. If I had a choice of living with the creator of this show or living in the worst refugee camp in the world, I would choose the camp. At least there is something honest about suffering, about looking for food and shelter. Despair has a certain integrity.”

Regardless of what TV show she is condemning, I don’t think that saying you’d prefer to be in the worst refugee camp in the world rather than living with the creator of the show is a profound statement. It’s incredibly tone deaf, and absurd, especially given her work with refugees. I agree that certain shows have a damaging cultural impact, but it is far less traumatic than facing war, poverty, displacement, and violence.

The last statement is interesting as well. Pipher writes in this book multiple times about how extremely traumatic and negative experiences can yield positive results, or bear some sort of meaningful quality. There’s a difference between reframing horrible experiences as more positive than previously thought, and glorifying, joking about, or minimizing trauma. Her proximity to certain communities does not make her a spokesperson for them, or yield the opportunity to use their suffering as a weak punchline for a joke that was impertinent to the subject matter at hand.

Similar to other statements in this book, I find that this rambling about personal experiences, thoughts, and surroundings contributes little to the goals of facing challenges at work, home, in relationships, or educating future therapists. Even if someone finds this statement understandable and appropriate, I don’t think it makes sense given the intentions of this book, or this chapter (yearning). Pipher transitions between the more personal, informal style of letters, the more academic self help books, and in this case, attempted media analysis in a very clunky way which this paragraph illustrates.

While there are some good quotes throughout this work, most of which are written by other people, I don’t think they are worth dredging through pages of meaningless and contrived ramblings to find, or choosing this book over the other more transformative works that this is modeled after. I had to read and review this for a class, and would have likely never found it on my own, which is a good thing. Pipher may be a great therapist, but I’m not a fan of her writing. Listen to the other top reviewers, wholeheartedly agree with their opinions.

[Katherine · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm picking my way through this book again, because sometimes I like to fantasize about being a therapist. I also like to stare into the photograph of Mary Pipher on the cover of the book; the love, goodwill, and sanity in that woman's face are almost enough to make you burst into tears.

'Letters to a Young Therapist' is simple but fluent; it covers a lot of ground in many short chapters dedicated to different challenges, frustrations, and joys of the therapist's life. It's a short book, but it's packed dense with common sense. It's kind of like plutonium that way. Plutonium for the wannabe-therapist soul.

I reread or -skimmed more than half of it before bed last night. I came away with a renewed sense of how hard and, in a strange but real sense, lonely performing therapy can be. I also gained an admiration for the therapist's willingness to become involved with people who are often at the most difficult, neediest, and least charming ends of their range. Pipher makes doing therapy sound difficult (often in the sense of being tedious or unglamorous, actually) but rewarding. I still think there's something about doing it that, even in our secular-ass place and times, approaches the sacred, and I'm grateful to Mary Pipher for allowing me to explore her profession from the safety and comfort of my armchair.

[Krysta · Rating 3 out of 5]

Wasn’t what I was expecting but still interesting. Also fun surprise the author is from and currently lives in Lincoln, NE and was a profesor at UNL!

[Lindsay · Rating 3 out of 5]

This book was interesting. It didn't give me any new incredible insights on counseling, mostly just reinforced concepts I had already learned at the jail. It doesn't follow a storyline, so if you aren't interested in social work this book is probably not for you. It is written by a "seasoned" therapist in the form of letters to a new therapist explaining what she has learned about people and therapy over the years. Overall, a good read but nothing incredible.

[Karla Rizzi · Rating 3 out of 5]

A simple read to get me into the swing of reading, this is something I think I would have enjoyed more if I were even “younger” than I am now. While I enjoyed reading some of the anecdotes, a lot of the main lessons of the book are things I already knew from being taught or exposed to them. The book was well-written, but also seemed a bit self-fulfilling. In a sense I came out of it a little more impressed with myself for knowing more about being a therapist than I honestly thought I did...

[Jennifer Ausbrooks · Rating 2 out of 5]

... problematic at times. Would not recommend for new therapists like myself to use this a guide.

[Alaina · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5

[Haley Rupp · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some of the language used was a bit dated but overall it had some really positive advice and ideas

[Linda · Rating 3 out of 5]

Par šo grāmatu uzzināju, pateicoties “Runāt ar Gintu” raidierakstam. Gaidas bija diezgan augstas, jo mani ļoti uzrunā žanrs ‘psihoterapeitu memuāri”.

Paiferes darbs ir autobiogrāfisks, tā formāts - autores rakstītas vēstules dienasgrāmatas formātā par dažādām tēmām savai iedomātai audzēknei. Ļoti uzrunājoši, jo šādi var aptvert plašu pieredzes un atziņu loku.

Tomēr jāatzīstas, ka autores tonis un arī teikumu uzbūve bija tāda kā didaktiska. Diezgan daudz elementāru padomu, gribējās vairāk personiskuma, vairāk transformējošu stāstu, kurus terapeite piedzīvojusi savā darba dzīvē (nešaubos, ka tādu ir daudz!). Palika neliela vilšanās sajūta.

Pozitīvais - visu darbu caurstrāvoja visaptverošā cilvēkmīlestība. Tās mūsdienās bieži pietrūkst kā pamatvērtības, uz kuras būvēt pasauli un tālāk savu vērtību sistēmu. Sirsnīgs atgādinājums, cik liela nozīme mūsu dzīvēs ir empātiskai attieksmei pret līdzcilvēkiem (ne tikai terapeitisku attiecību kontekstā).

[Mary · Rating 1 out of 5]

This book actually lands somewhere between "didn't like it" and "it was ok" for me, but - alas - goodreads doesn't allow half-stars.

As I suspected when I realized this was part of a series (called Art of Mentoring), they really should have left the form to Rilke. Pipher's book is endless advice, delivered in a manner so thoroughly forgettable, you can't even remember what you were told on the last page. The anecdotes she offers from her practice as evidence of her points are almost never developed beyond a single, short paragraph, so that stories that could perhaps speak for themselves if presented more fully become instead weak illustrations of points she's made in less interesting ways. In a collection of 25+ letters, I considered roughly two of them worth reading. Boo.

[Adriann Saint · Rating 5 out of 5]

this book was so sweet and encouraging to me (as a young therapist/student). her writing is so beautiful and poetic. i took away so many nuggets of advice from pipher.

i don’t agree with everything she says— she isn’t a believer and therefore views hope, marriage, and healing a little differently than I do. but there is great wisdom in her 30+ years of experience with hurting humans and she has a massive heart to encourage the next generation of counselors.

[Chessie Brittain · Rating 5 out of 5]

Comforting, empowering, and cozy.

[PinkAmy loves books, cats and naps · Rating 3 out of 5]

I became acquainted with Mary Pipher through her best-seller REVIVING OPHELIA where, for the first time, a therapist chronicled the many challenges teen girls experience in words lay people could easily understand.

When LETTERS TO A YOUNG THERAPIST was on an audible sale, I decided to give it a lesson, though I’m an upper middle aged retired therapist. Phiper pens letters to a fictional new psychotherapist Laura, whom she supervises.

The best thing about LETTERS TO A YOUNG THERAPIST is that it’s relatively short. I liked how she quoted from other theorists to show where she learned some of her approaches.

I believe that there’s no one way to work with clients and that no approach works with everyone, with which Pipher says she agrees, yet she constantly criticizes other schools of thought. I’m also someone who believes that some of the most important lessons are from failures, not successes. The interns and therapists we supervise can learn from our mistakes more than what we did perfectly, because each client is different and repeated interventions won’t necessarily replicate similar results.

Therapy clients and those interested in psychology will be most interested in LETTERS TO A YOUNG THERAPIST but readers shouldn’t assume Pipher speaks for any professional but herself.

[Mikalah Hall · Rating 4 out of 5]

I was suggested this book from one of my professors has a book for learning more about counseling. It was an easy read and very encouraging on nights when I have 12 assignments to complete. It helped me to see the bigger picture. My favorite line was “The only thing worse than feeling pain is not feeling pain. Healthy people face their pain”

[Haley Stricker · Rating 3 out of 5]

There are things I loved and things I didn’t. This was a reread, and I found that I resonated with less of this book a few years into my work than I did in grad school. Even so, I would hope every therapist reads this once in their life.

[Frank Atlas · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some really nice prose and some decent advice mixed in a with a lot of….well….words. Maybe this would be better for someone who is not familiar with the psychology field, but a lot of what she said was already pretty familiar to me. A super quick read, but honestly could have been trimmed even more.

[Yeewei Cheo · Rating 3 out of 5]

I would prescribe you a diary of an older therapist

[Maisie · Rating 4 out of 5]

A really enjoyable read. Have taken lots of notes 📝📝

[Alexis · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was an amazing book. At my new job, the therapists I have shadowed tend to be very solution focused. I work mostly with pediatricians who seem to want quick fixes. For some issues, this works, but for others, it's down right silly! Mary Pipher does a wonderful job talking about the beauties of therapy, the pitfalls, and the overall process. Reading it helped me center myself in this new role and actually helped me solidify that I really want to be doing this even though it's hard at times. Also made me desperately want to enter therapy again as a way to process my move, life, relationships, etc. I love therapy! Adding this to my amazon wishlist for Christmas. I feel like it'll be nice to have on my bedside table and just pop open from time to time. Oh, and since it's letters to one of her supervisees, it made me think back on all the wonderful mentors, supervisors, etc that I've had over the years and our interns too. What a neat field we work in!!

[KC · Rating 2 out of 5]

More like 2.5 stars. The Dear Laura thing was actually pretty awkward so I skipped those parts each chapter. I took a few valuable things away from the book, otherwise it was underwhelming. I expected much more since the author has been a therapist for so long.

[Paul Baker · Rating 4 out of 5]

This a lovely book that can be read by way more than therapists: in fact, it is a great recipe for solving many of life's therapeutic problems: a dash of common sense, a sprinkle of care, and a whopping dose of hope.

I highly recommend this book for everyone!

[Vee · Rating 2 out of 5]

This book started off strong but as it became more and more apparent that the letters were fictional it got harder to take seriously. I feel this book made some good points but chose to do so in a very self indulgent way.

[Courtney Smith Atkins · Rating 2 out of 5]

I read this back in college and thought it was pretty sweet. I re-read and stopped half way through thinking how lame it was. Today I give it a 2, back in the day-probably a 4.