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On Her Knees: Memoir of a Prayerful Jezebel
“The problem was, because Purity is an idol (a validated and worshiped idol), I didn’t know who or what I’d be without my totem. My Christianity depended on Purity.”
Going to a conservative Christian church when she was young, Brenda Marie Davies heard a consistent message—save yourself for marriage—that instilled in her fear and shame about sex. But after moving to Los Angeles at nineteen and finding herself suddenly exposed to a world far outside her comfort zone, she was forced to wrestle with the power and perversity of Christian purity culture.
On Her Knees chronicles Brenda’s spiritual journey over the course of a decade in LA, through marriage, divorce, unlikely friendship, and sexual exploration. Through it all, she began tearing down the false idol of purity while refusing to abandon her faith.
Told with raw honesty, sans obligatory shame, this is a story for anyone who wonders if it’s possible to love God without fearing sex, in all its shades of grey.
Going to a conservative Christian church when she was young, Brenda Marie Davies heard a consistent message—save yourself for marriage—that instilled in her fear and shame about sex. But after moving to Los Angeles at nineteen and finding herself suddenly exposed to a world far outside her comfort zone, she was forced to wrestle with the power and perversity of Christian purity culture.
On Her Knees chronicles Brenda’s spiritual journey over the course of a decade in LA, through marriage, divorce, unlikely friendship, and sexual exploration. Through it all, she began tearing down the false idol of purity while refusing to abandon her faith.
Told with raw honesty, sans obligatory shame, this is a story for anyone who wonders if it’s possible to love God without fearing sex, in all its shades of grey.
256 pages, Kindle Edition
First published April 6, 2021
74 people are currently reading
1975 people want to read
About the author
Brenda Marie Davies
1 book61 followersBrenda Marie Davies is a podcaster and YouTuber. Her channel God Is Grey advocates for sex-positive, LGBTQ+ affirming, socially responsible faith with over 100,000 subscribers. She uses her social platform to encourage differing opinions to be voiced & shared.
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May 8, 2021
*A preface: I'm giving this 3 stars for the writing.
I think I’m writing this review in part because I read some shitty reviews beforehand from Christians who outright said they hated Brenda and they made me want something different out there. This isn’t a story about agreeing or disagreeing.
See, to be honest, I bought and opened this book with a slight sense of unfounded trepidation reminiscent of the guilt that haunts Brenda throughout her whole story (something I resonated with pretty strongly). But I bought it because I was attracted to how unthreatened and unafraid she is in her faith. So I’m dialoguing with it now as a pushback to my own fear, and because I respect Brenda’s transparency and think we need more of it. I would argue that a story that empowers you to do this through connection and understanding is well-done and worth reading.
I’ll share one concrete complaint about the way that she tells her story and let you go from there in your own reading: sometimes, I actually think she could stand to be a little more grey. My understanding of the big reason the Bible has a specific sexual ethic is because it sets boundaries designed to guide away from objectification and toward connection—with a ton of grey area in between; don't kill me for the dichotomy. But Brenda kind of just doesn't go there, which doesn't totally feel like a helpful or complete deconstruction in a way. Which doesn't make her story lesser, it just might be slightly counterproductive to what I think she's trying to do with the book.
I would have loved to hear more from her about the difference between self-repression and selflessness. But this book makes very little space for the conversation of sex as a form of selfless love. As an aside—Brenda, in her videos, podcasts, and social media, is one of the most selfless and loving Christians I have seen on the internet. I am not questioning her pursuit of selfless love, just wondering how we can maybe add that into the dialogue a little bit more while us purity culture kids pursue a stronger and more God-honoring sexual ethic.
It just makes me happy because if I were able to talk to her and bring any of my concerns, she would be thrilled to hear my questions. Mad respect for that. Let’s be friends, Brenda, I’m a little starstruck.
Read it!
I think I’m writing this review in part because I read some shitty reviews beforehand from Christians who outright said they hated Brenda and they made me want something different out there. This isn’t a story about agreeing or disagreeing.
See, to be honest, I bought and opened this book with a slight sense of unfounded trepidation reminiscent of the guilt that haunts Brenda throughout her whole story (something I resonated with pretty strongly). But I bought it because I was attracted to how unthreatened and unafraid she is in her faith. So I’m dialoguing with it now as a pushback to my own fear, and because I respect Brenda’s transparency and think we need more of it. I would argue that a story that empowers you to do this through connection and understanding is well-done and worth reading.
I’ll share one concrete complaint about the way that she tells her story and let you go from there in your own reading: sometimes, I actually think she could stand to be a little more grey. My understanding of the big reason the Bible has a specific sexual ethic is because it sets boundaries designed to guide away from objectification and toward connection—with a ton of grey area in between; don't kill me for the dichotomy. But Brenda kind of just doesn't go there, which doesn't totally feel like a helpful or complete deconstruction in a way. Which doesn't make her story lesser, it just might be slightly counterproductive to what I think she's trying to do with the book.
I would have loved to hear more from her about the difference between self-repression and selflessness. But this book makes very little space for the conversation of sex as a form of selfless love. As an aside—Brenda, in her videos, podcasts, and social media, is one of the most selfless and loving Christians I have seen on the internet. I am not questioning her pursuit of selfless love, just wondering how we can maybe add that into the dialogue a little bit more while us purity culture kids pursue a stronger and more God-honoring sexual ethic.
It just makes me happy because if I were able to talk to her and bring any of my concerns, she would be thrilled to hear my questions. Mad respect for that. Let’s be friends, Brenda, I’m a little starstruck.
Read it!
June 11, 2021
I read this book in a day (well, two days, but within a 24-hour time span), and maybe I should let my thoughts marinate for a bit longer, but screw it: I have a lot to say.
Let me be clear, my feelings on this book aren’t not synonymous with my feelings on Brenda as a person. As this is her memoir, my thoughts on her will come up, but I’m judging this book as its own entity, not as a completely embodied representation of her as a human being. I’ve been watching her YouTube videos for awhile now, and I like her a lot. I also like much of what she has to say. She had grace that I can only dream of having, and a truly warm and kind heart. I appreciate a lot of what she says, and I admire her immensely.
But now, I will focus solely on what she presented in this book. To preface, I have a story that bears some resemblance to hers, but not nearly such a traumatic one. I can relate to her but only to an extent. And I fully believe that purity culture is damaging, for most if not all of the reasons she does. I appreciate how much she reiterates that point, and I especially appreciate that she mentions how it hurts men as well as women. And I can fully and completely believe that while still questioning some of Brenda’s journey as it’s written.
Brenda uses purity culture as the backdrop to all of her relationship woes. Since I do not know her, I cannot say this for certain, but I do wonder, is purity culture to blame ENTIRELY for her rocky sexual journey? Religious abuse is real; indoctrination is real. But atheists often find themselves in the same sexual struggles as Brenda did. She presents her non-religious friends as fully sexually liberated and almost unhurtable (not a real word, but whatever). But non-religious people can be abused, and they can feel shame, and they can find themselves in degrading situations because they have low self worth. Blaming her sexual problems on purity culture alone is, to me, disingenuous. Misogyny and shame stretch into every corner of our society, and I wish she had laid blame beyond just the church.
I also have questions about her faith in general. She mentions toward the end that marrying a non-Christian, aka being unequally yoked, was drummed into her as being a sin, but when she married a non-Christian herself, she barely batted an eye about it. If this were fiction, I call that a dropped plot line. As this is a memoir, I’ll call it an inconsistency. I know sexual shame caused her to marry her husband, and that was born of the church, but why, I wonder, did she so easily justify marrying an atheist? I’m not judging, I just want to know.
And in all honesty, I think blaming purity culture for her marriage failing is also disingenuous. That marriage would have been doomed regardless. Her husband, while not the worst of her partners but any stretch, was selfish and controlling, and he would have been regardless of her sexual history. And I’m sorry, I really am, but speaking of her infidelity as a piece of her grand sexual journey and as a way of getting even with him for sleeping with another woman before they were married was...yikes. And I’d be okay with it if she reflected and admitted that that was a terrible and unhealthy thing to do, but by her tone, she doesn’t sound guilty for doing it. Please, have all of the consensual sex you desire, but don’t cheat, and PLEASE, do not try to justify it.
There are more things I would like clarity on. Namely, how did she even join the evangelical church in the first place? Her parents weren’t attendees. She went on her own. But why, and how? She never goes into this, and I would have loved to hear that story. I also dislike how she presents Bible verses that have been used to oppress, but she doesn’t explain what the verses really mean. She will harp on about how God gave us instinct and intuition to protect us, but then she cites a verse from God’s about how the heart is “deceitful and wicked” and how that verse was used to make her doubt her instincts and intuitions. But what she doesn’t do is tie it all together. How can the Bible be God’s word when it says something that you believe completely contradicts who God is? At least try to explain its true meaning, or admit that there’s a contradiction. Don’t just ignore it.
I have other nitpicks that are my problem more than hers, but those are my biggest gripes. To end positively, I appreciate how she lifts up the LGBT community when she could get away with not doing that. Being straight herself, she could completely overlook queer people, but she chooses to empower them, and I am grateful. There were also moments where my heart panged for her. Namely, the moment she decides to sleep with her future husband for the first time — the frigidity followed by embarrassment resulting in the desire to just be rid of the burden of virginity — was so painfully relatable that I nearly cried. I wish the book had more moments like that for me. Perhaps it will for others. I think people who have more similar experiences to Brenda will resonate with this book more. Personally, I’m glad I read it, but it wasn’t the eye-opening experience I’d expected. I appreciate her calls to action, but at the risk of sounding like a snob, I’ve already heard it, and it wasn’t shocking or thrilling for me. It may be to others, though. As it was, it was a look into one person’s interesting life, which is fine, but I really wish it had been more.
Let me be clear, my feelings on this book aren’t not synonymous with my feelings on Brenda as a person. As this is her memoir, my thoughts on her will come up, but I’m judging this book as its own entity, not as a completely embodied representation of her as a human being. I’ve been watching her YouTube videos for awhile now, and I like her a lot. I also like much of what she has to say. She had grace that I can only dream of having, and a truly warm and kind heart. I appreciate a lot of what she says, and I admire her immensely.
But now, I will focus solely on what she presented in this book. To preface, I have a story that bears some resemblance to hers, but not nearly such a traumatic one. I can relate to her but only to an extent. And I fully believe that purity culture is damaging, for most if not all of the reasons she does. I appreciate how much she reiterates that point, and I especially appreciate that she mentions how it hurts men as well as women. And I can fully and completely believe that while still questioning some of Brenda’s journey as it’s written.
Brenda uses purity culture as the backdrop to all of her relationship woes. Since I do not know her, I cannot say this for certain, but I do wonder, is purity culture to blame ENTIRELY for her rocky sexual journey? Religious abuse is real; indoctrination is real. But atheists often find themselves in the same sexual struggles as Brenda did. She presents her non-religious friends as fully sexually liberated and almost unhurtable (not a real word, but whatever). But non-religious people can be abused, and they can feel shame, and they can find themselves in degrading situations because they have low self worth. Blaming her sexual problems on purity culture alone is, to me, disingenuous. Misogyny and shame stretch into every corner of our society, and I wish she had laid blame beyond just the church.
I also have questions about her faith in general. She mentions toward the end that marrying a non-Christian, aka being unequally yoked, was drummed into her as being a sin, but when she married a non-Christian herself, she barely batted an eye about it. If this were fiction, I call that a dropped plot line. As this is a memoir, I’ll call it an inconsistency. I know sexual shame caused her to marry her husband, and that was born of the church, but why, I wonder, did she so easily justify marrying an atheist? I’m not judging, I just want to know.
And in all honesty, I think blaming purity culture for her marriage failing is also disingenuous. That marriage would have been doomed regardless. Her husband, while not the worst of her partners but any stretch, was selfish and controlling, and he would have been regardless of her sexual history. And I’m sorry, I really am, but speaking of her infidelity as a piece of her grand sexual journey and as a way of getting even with him for sleeping with another woman before they were married was...yikes. And I’d be okay with it if she reflected and admitted that that was a terrible and unhealthy thing to do, but by her tone, she doesn’t sound guilty for doing it. Please, have all of the consensual sex you desire, but don’t cheat, and PLEASE, do not try to justify it.
There are more things I would like clarity on. Namely, how did she even join the evangelical church in the first place? Her parents weren’t attendees. She went on her own. But why, and how? She never goes into this, and I would have loved to hear that story. I also dislike how she presents Bible verses that have been used to oppress, but she doesn’t explain what the verses really mean. She will harp on about how God gave us instinct and intuition to protect us, but then she cites a verse from God’s about how the heart is “deceitful and wicked” and how that verse was used to make her doubt her instincts and intuitions. But what she doesn’t do is tie it all together. How can the Bible be God’s word when it says something that you believe completely contradicts who God is? At least try to explain its true meaning, or admit that there’s a contradiction. Don’t just ignore it.
I have other nitpicks that are my problem more than hers, but those are my biggest gripes. To end positively, I appreciate how she lifts up the LGBT community when she could get away with not doing that. Being straight herself, she could completely overlook queer people, but she chooses to empower them, and I am grateful. There were also moments where my heart panged for her. Namely, the moment she decides to sleep with her future husband for the first time — the frigidity followed by embarrassment resulting in the desire to just be rid of the burden of virginity — was so painfully relatable that I nearly cried. I wish the book had more moments like that for me. Perhaps it will for others. I think people who have more similar experiences to Brenda will resonate with this book more. Personally, I’m glad I read it, but it wasn’t the eye-opening experience I’d expected. I appreciate her calls to action, but at the risk of sounding like a snob, I’ve already heard it, and it wasn’t shocking or thrilling for me. It may be to others, though. As it was, it was a look into one person’s interesting life, which is fine, but I really wish it had been more.
March 27, 2021
Beautiful. Definitely recommend for anyone recovering from purity culture and wants to come back to their body and align their spirituality and sexuality.
April 14, 2024
An interesting book from the perspective of the author who experienced a strict evangelical upbringing. I did take issue with a few things like claiming her ED was cured overnight by God and also the rather rushed ending of the book which felt incomplete. Overall, it was just fine.
May 15, 2021
I read this in maybe an hour, and I feel so miserably depressed. Perhaps I shouldn’t have read it; I did because I was familiar with the “God is Grey” YouTube channel, and I like to research devils advocate views on theology and life in general. While I can’t criticize Brenda’s personal experience, this book demonstrated the opposite of what she desired. The intensity of pointless pain and darkness she experienced is the clear demonstration of how dangerously far she has taken her reactions of her conservative upbringing.
“Purity culture” is her scapegoat, even though many Christians — even conservative, “fundamentalist” Christians — recognize the toxicity of the female blaming purity culture. But to react from her ignorant youth pastors purity message and use that as means of justifying her sexual promiscuity is self deceptive.
To tell the truth, I like Brenda. She’s kind, very loving, and I love her fashion style. But no matter how attractive she tries to make her sexually liberated, Jesus & vagina worshiping lifestyle, the result is the opposite. She gives up her virginity to an unfaithful man, married him, realizes her mistake, embraces hook up culture, she is raped, tolerates an abusive relationship, aborts her daughter Rose (granted, she is remorseful and I do empathize with her), then expects her audience to think it’s Purity Cultures fault, and celebrates her liberation by writhing in a LA night club. I feel horribly and overwhelmingly sad, for her, and for how lost that life is... It’s not to say that following Christian ethics will give you a perfect life. Far from that. Virgins who marry and have sex “the right way” still experience porn addictions and collapsing relationships and disappointed hopes. But that’s not the point. The promise of the Christian life isn’t that we’ll be happy, but that we’ll have the grace of God to withstand a life of denied desires for a RENEWED desire and delight for God, and a submission to His will because we can indeed trust that He is ever so good...
Brenda rejects the scriptures of Corinthians and Jeremiah, because her inner spirit doesn’t “align with” their message, but she does agree with the scriptures that affirm that God is loving. And God IS all loving. But the more important consideration is not if God loves Brenda (He does), but if Brenda truly loves God.
Does she love God enough to obey Him?
“Purity culture” is her scapegoat, even though many Christians — even conservative, “fundamentalist” Christians — recognize the toxicity of the female blaming purity culture. But to react from her ignorant youth pastors purity message and use that as means of justifying her sexual promiscuity is self deceptive.
To tell the truth, I like Brenda. She’s kind, very loving, and I love her fashion style. But no matter how attractive she tries to make her sexually liberated, Jesus & vagina worshiping lifestyle, the result is the opposite. She gives up her virginity to an unfaithful man, married him, realizes her mistake, embraces hook up culture, she is raped, tolerates an abusive relationship, aborts her daughter Rose (granted, she is remorseful and I do empathize with her), then expects her audience to think it’s Purity Cultures fault, and celebrates her liberation by writhing in a LA night club. I feel horribly and overwhelmingly sad, for her, and for how lost that life is... It’s not to say that following Christian ethics will give you a perfect life. Far from that. Virgins who marry and have sex “the right way” still experience porn addictions and collapsing relationships and disappointed hopes. But that’s not the point. The promise of the Christian life isn’t that we’ll be happy, but that we’ll have the grace of God to withstand a life of denied desires for a RENEWED desire and delight for God, and a submission to His will because we can indeed trust that He is ever so good...
Brenda rejects the scriptures of Corinthians and Jeremiah, because her inner spirit doesn’t “align with” their message, but she does agree with the scriptures that affirm that God is loving. And God IS all loving. But the more important consideration is not if God loves Brenda (He does), but if Brenda truly loves God.
Does she love God enough to obey Him?
June 29, 2021
I really wanted to give this book 5 stars because I highly value Brenda and her content and all that she puts out there.
I loved the book, it was highly readable, honest and vulnerable and unpacked a lot. It was compassionate and raw. Also, I just have to mention how beautiful the book and the layout and fonts inside are. Wow. I am not sure I have any book which compares.
However, I did miss some things and have some open questions:
- what held her back and kept her engaged with the church for so long? Did she ever look out for non-evangelical, inclusive churches (which very much do exist)?
- why did she only partly deconstruct? How did she deconstruct? Why did she kept her faith and how did that happen?
- did she attempt any reconciliation with the people she hurt? How did she actually pick up all the pieces? The ending of the book seems incomplete and negative, in her videos and such she seems to be in a very happy and positive place today. The book does not really talk about how she ended up there.
- how did she end up in evangelical Christianity in the first place?
Because some of these open question are quite fundamental in my eyes, I can only give 4 stars... Maybe she will write a second book to answer some of these questions?
I loved the book, it was highly readable, honest and vulnerable and unpacked a lot. It was compassionate and raw. Also, I just have to mention how beautiful the book and the layout and fonts inside are. Wow. I am not sure I have any book which compares.
However, I did miss some things and have some open questions:
- what held her back and kept her engaged with the church for so long? Did she ever look out for non-evangelical, inclusive churches (which very much do exist)?
- why did she only partly deconstruct? How did she deconstruct? Why did she kept her faith and how did that happen?
- did she attempt any reconciliation with the people she hurt? How did she actually pick up all the pieces? The ending of the book seems incomplete and negative, in her videos and such she seems to be in a very happy and positive place today. The book does not really talk about how she ended up there.
- how did she end up in evangelical Christianity in the first place?
Because some of these open question are quite fundamental in my eyes, I can only give 4 stars... Maybe she will write a second book to answer some of these questions?
February 19, 2021
I could not put this book down! It really resonated with me as someone who grew up in the church.
July 6, 2021
The beginning of this book had me hooked. As a recent college graduate who has been separated from my evangelical upbringing and youth group for 4 years, her testimony allowed a lot of deeply stowed away memories to resurface. I felt relieved to hear the story of someone who also had to crush up a piece of chocolate as symbolism of the sin of promiscuity, who felt intense sexual desires with no outlet, who felt intense pressure to follow the gospel and wait for marriage while secretly wanting to have sex with loads of people. However, as the story continued, her words began to disappointed me for several reasons.
First, she does not elaborate on how exactly she started going to church. She states that her family was not religious, yet she asks to have a Purity Ball. Her family does not endorse sexual shame, they are just quiet around the subject. Her peers in high school were not overtly religious, and engaged in a lot of sexual acts. So, how did she find Jesus? In the same vein, when she speaks about her relationship with God, it is almost entirely focused on her sexual journey. She does not share her testimony on what her faith means to her beyond being a cock-blocker. Throughout her memoir, I found it incredibly difficult to understand why she was a Christian, since she spends a great deal of time romanticizing her non-Christian friends' lifestyles: partying, drinking, drugs, having sex, etc. I struggled to understand if she lost her faith at any point in her life, because she did not seem to have that strong of a faith to begin with. I feel like her faith beyond the sexual boundaries that it lays out should have been the crux of the book, but that was not really the case.
Second, when she brings up popular ideas within Christianity, such the Biblical stance that queer sexual acts are sinful, sex is reserved for marriage, marriage is designed between one man and one woman, Brenda simply states "that is not true," and moves on. I was really excited to see her take a pro-LGBTQ+ stance in her memoir, considering that as a cisgendered straight woman she easily could have overlooked this community. However, I was quickly disappointed to see no Biblical evidence to back up that stance.
Third, she blames pretty much every bad experience in her life on purity culture and purity culture alone. She blames purity culture for her traumatic response to having sex (crying alone in the shower after every sexual experience), for her failed marriage (feeling pressured to marry the man she had sex with regardless of the fact that most of her friends and family told her not to), for her lying to her friends about her sex life (even though a lot of her friends were not slut shaming her, the people who were slut shaming her were the men she was sleeping with), and for being trapped in an abusive relationship with a ketamine dealer (this relationship was explained in a chaotically hard to follow way, I'm guessing because she herself didn't really know why she was in the relationship). She also does not confront her relationship with alcohol whatsoever in this memoir. She casually mentions resorting to drinking too much in response to stressful situations without any sort of reflection.
Overall, Brenda's book comes off as inauthentic. Honestly, it seems like she wrote this memoir too early in her life. The way the book ended was frankly awful. From how I read it, it sounded like she used the birth of her son (with no context of if she was financially, relationally, mentally, or spiritually ready for motherhood) as a bandaid to fix all of the problems in her life. She seemed incredibly lost throughout the entire book. She failed to demonstrate clear goals for herself, such as her lack of a career path. Brenda does not seem to take ownership over her faith, her relational mishaps, her alcohol dependency, or her life in general by the end of the book.
All this being said, I do empathize deeply with Brenda. She has a load of trauma to deal with, and I commend her for opening up with the world and sharing her story. While I could resonate with some of her content, the book left me feeling incredibly dissatisfied, as if she didn't really understand what she wrote.
First, she does not elaborate on how exactly she started going to church. She states that her family was not religious, yet she asks to have a Purity Ball. Her family does not endorse sexual shame, they are just quiet around the subject. Her peers in high school were not overtly religious, and engaged in a lot of sexual acts. So, how did she find Jesus? In the same vein, when she speaks about her relationship with God, it is almost entirely focused on her sexual journey. She does not share her testimony on what her faith means to her beyond being a cock-blocker. Throughout her memoir, I found it incredibly difficult to understand why she was a Christian, since she spends a great deal of time romanticizing her non-Christian friends' lifestyles: partying, drinking, drugs, having sex, etc. I struggled to understand if she lost her faith at any point in her life, because she did not seem to have that strong of a faith to begin with. I feel like her faith beyond the sexual boundaries that it lays out should have been the crux of the book, but that was not really the case.
Second, when she brings up popular ideas within Christianity, such the Biblical stance that queer sexual acts are sinful, sex is reserved for marriage, marriage is designed between one man and one woman, Brenda simply states "that is not true," and moves on. I was really excited to see her take a pro-LGBTQ+ stance in her memoir, considering that as a cisgendered straight woman she easily could have overlooked this community. However, I was quickly disappointed to see no Biblical evidence to back up that stance.
Third, she blames pretty much every bad experience in her life on purity culture and purity culture alone. She blames purity culture for her traumatic response to having sex (crying alone in the shower after every sexual experience), for her failed marriage (feeling pressured to marry the man she had sex with regardless of the fact that most of her friends and family told her not to), for her lying to her friends about her sex life (even though a lot of her friends were not slut shaming her, the people who were slut shaming her were the men she was sleeping with), and for being trapped in an abusive relationship with a ketamine dealer (this relationship was explained in a chaotically hard to follow way, I'm guessing because she herself didn't really know why she was in the relationship). She also does not confront her relationship with alcohol whatsoever in this memoir. She casually mentions resorting to drinking too much in response to stressful situations without any sort of reflection.
Overall, Brenda's book comes off as inauthentic. Honestly, it seems like she wrote this memoir too early in her life. The way the book ended was frankly awful. From how I read it, it sounded like she used the birth of her son (with no context of if she was financially, relationally, mentally, or spiritually ready for motherhood) as a bandaid to fix all of the problems in her life. She seemed incredibly lost throughout the entire book. She failed to demonstrate clear goals for herself, such as her lack of a career path. Brenda does not seem to take ownership over her faith, her relational mishaps, her alcohol dependency, or her life in general by the end of the book.
All this being said, I do empathize deeply with Brenda. She has a load of trauma to deal with, and I commend her for opening up with the world and sharing her story. While I could resonate with some of her content, the book left me feeling incredibly dissatisfied, as if she didn't really understand what she wrote.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
July 2, 2021
The author’s battle with Purity culture is painful and real. She speaks of growing up in a sex-silent household and navigating the transition from devout, Christian “good girl” to “sex seeking Jezebel”.
Religion’s obsession with dichotomies is detrimental to young women; religious trauma following many for the rest of their lives.
I loved this book
Religion’s obsession with dichotomies is detrimental to young women; religious trauma following many for the rest of their lives.
I loved this book
July 5, 2021
Having spent the majority of my life within the confines of purity culture and the evangelical mentality surrounding sexuality, this book felt like a breath of fresh air and an enveloping hug at the same time. It revisited memories and voiced personal objections that I had been too afraid or too ill-informed to express in the circles I’ve inhabited in the past.
July 9, 2021
Giving this book a three based on the writing. I listened to it on audible and it was read by the author I would definitely recommend. The content of this book is so very relatable to anyone who grew up in the evangelical church. The more I read from this genre the more I understand I wasn’t alone in my experience growing up in a toxic culture that was based on fear and repression of sexuality.
June 18, 2021
I love Brenda so much!! I’ve been following her “God is Grey” platform for about 2 years, so I knew I had to read this IMMEDIATELY when it was announced. I listened to the audiobook, which is the perfect way to go, she’s a brilliant narrator!
“On Her Knees” reads like a movie, and has all the makings of a Sundance darling. It’s a coming-of-age story. And a story of sex—fantastic sex, degrading sex, heartbreaking sex. It’s a story of self-loathing imposed by huge, amorphous institutions and little, personal betrayals. But at its heart, above everything, it’s is about a woman who loves God more than anything, and her journey to let herself be loved by Him unconditionally.
Not a book for everyone, but if you are a progressive Christian, this is a must read!
“On Her Knees” reads like a movie, and has all the makings of a Sundance darling. It’s a coming-of-age story. And a story of sex—fantastic sex, degrading sex, heartbreaking sex. It’s a story of self-loathing imposed by huge, amorphous institutions and little, personal betrayals. But at its heart, above everything, it’s is about a woman who loves God more than anything, and her journey to let herself be loved by Him unconditionally.
Not a book for everyone, but if you are a progressive Christian, this is a must read!
March 29, 2021
A coming of age memoir set in early Los Angeles, depicting the agony of purity culture and the ecstasy of breaking free. Brenda's voice is funny, sharp and at times harrowingly honest. You don't have to have a religious background to connect with the universal pains of heartbreak, envy, friendship and the general struggle for self-love throughout one's early twenties. Beautiful and courageous.
December 29, 2024
One of the best purity culture, sexual debut memoirs
February 24, 2025
2.5/5 I don’t really believe in god anymore, or at least the god talked about in this book. But when I did believe in god, Brenda’s God is Grey podcast got me through a lot of high school. I was surprised that Brenda’s wisdom I felt from the podcast did not translate at all in writing. The beginning was fine, but the end completely lost me. She kind of lost the point of this book, purity culture, as this book went on and some parts I found to be a little problematic. Disappointed :/
August 18, 2021
I found Brenda Davies on her Instagram account, God is Grey, and promptly ordered her memoir, which takes a hard look at purity culture and it's cost. While I think I may prefer Instagram as her medium (as I'm sure she does too), there were many beautiful moments and profound truths in this book.
I would highly recommend it to anyone of college age, coming out of purity culture and into their sexuality needing to understand their own shame - where it comes from (oppressive religious structures and overreaching youth pastors for a start), how deeply it is rooted (deeper than we could even imagine) and how to keep their faith strong when it feels like you are betraying it by having normal, natural human needs.
And when you are done, make sure you check out her Instagram for a fresh voice full of fire.
I would highly recommend it to anyone of college age, coming out of purity culture and into their sexuality needing to understand their own shame - where it comes from (oppressive religious structures and overreaching youth pastors for a start), how deeply it is rooted (deeper than we could even imagine) and how to keep their faith strong when it feels like you are betraying it by having normal, natural human needs.
And when you are done, make sure you check out her Instagram for a fresh voice full of fire.
September 19, 2021
This is a hard review because I respect Brenda and the God is Grey community. It cannot be easy to be a liberal Christian voice on social media, and I consider her brave for putting herself out there and fostering discussion around some hard theological and spiritual topics.
I think this book just wasn’t for me. Memoirs can be difficult already —when they are good, they are great — and often glaringly show that the authors are just…not really writers. Brenda shines in a video format. I’m sure if I had listened to the audiobook instead, the score would be higher. But on its own, I was left desiring more.
I have to thank her for sharing her story, her trauma, and letting us into hard parts of her life. But as it is commonly said: the medium is the message.
I think this book just wasn’t for me. Memoirs can be difficult already —when they are good, they are great — and often glaringly show that the authors are just…not really writers. Brenda shines in a video format. I’m sure if I had listened to the audiobook instead, the score would be higher. But on its own, I was left desiring more.
I have to thank her for sharing her story, her trauma, and letting us into hard parts of her life. But as it is commonly said: the medium is the message.
May 29, 2021
It's always hard for me to rate and review memoirs. Rating someone else's story or life experience always feels weird to me. But I'm gonna try my best.
As someone who grew up in purity culture and had her own issues due to it I was super excited to read this. Brenda is a skilled writer and did a great job telling her story. And her story was honestly heart breaking. I listened to this on audiobook which she narrated. Hearing her story, in her words, with her voice was even more impactful. She did a great job at sharing her experience and the damage of purity culture in her life. That being said I'm not completely sure what the message of this book was meant to be. I felt like it ended really abruptly without fully wrapping things up.
As someone who watches Brenda's Youtube channel, I know from what she's shared there that leaving purity culture behind in the end bettered her life. But that doesn't really come across in the book. If I'd read this when I was a teenager in the midst of purity culture I think I would have gone away from it feeling more afraid of having sex. Having sex while dealing with the guilt and shame of purity culture seemed to really hurt Brenda and even the people she was in relationships with in a lot of ways. There were times in the book where Brenda tells the reader how leaving and not following the teachings of purity culture was better for her but she didn't use her story to show us that and I think that's what made it fall a little flat for me. Because this was meant to be a memoir and not a self help book I would have liked to have seen her use her story to show us what can happen when you leave the toxicity of purity culture. But instead she showed us all the bad things that could happen and not really any of the good. Because of that it felt like there was no redemptive arc in the story and I felt like I walked away feeling sad for her and honestly kind of depressed.
That being said, I do recommend it especially in audiobook format. If you are someone who never grew up in the Evangelical church or purity culture it's a great memoir for understanding why some people struggle with so much guilt and shame when it comes to sex.
As someone who grew up in purity culture and had her own issues due to it I was super excited to read this. Brenda is a skilled writer and did a great job telling her story. And her story was honestly heart breaking. I listened to this on audiobook which she narrated. Hearing her story, in her words, with her voice was even more impactful. She did a great job at sharing her experience and the damage of purity culture in her life. That being said I'm not completely sure what the message of this book was meant to be. I felt like it ended really abruptly without fully wrapping things up.
As someone who watches Brenda's Youtube channel, I know from what she's shared there that leaving purity culture behind in the end bettered her life. But that doesn't really come across in the book. If I'd read this when I was a teenager in the midst of purity culture I think I would have gone away from it feeling more afraid of having sex. Having sex while dealing with the guilt and shame of purity culture seemed to really hurt Brenda and even the people she was in relationships with in a lot of ways. There were times in the book where Brenda tells the reader how leaving and not following the teachings of purity culture was better for her but she didn't use her story to show us that and I think that's what made it fall a little flat for me. Because this was meant to be a memoir and not a self help book I would have liked to have seen her use her story to show us what can happen when you leave the toxicity of purity culture. But instead she showed us all the bad things that could happen and not really any of the good. Because of that it felt like there was no redemptive arc in the story and I felt like I walked away feeling sad for her and honestly kind of depressed.
That being said, I do recommend it especially in audiobook format. If you are someone who never grew up in the Evangelical church or purity culture it's a great memoir for understanding why some people struggle with so much guilt and shame when it comes to sex.
October 22, 2021
This is a heartfelt book detailing some of the issues the author has faced in her life. The root of which, for her, being purity culture. That doesn’t mean others who haven’t been victims of it can’t relate.
It’s about suffering others abuses of power and those come in many, many, forms; religious or otherwise. And the people and systems trying to make her shut herself and her inner voice down.
Her descriptions of the physical sides of trauma reactions spoke to me. I am a person of faith but I wasn’t ever in agreement with organised religion so the abuses of power Ive suffered have been from different areas of life but the feelings are similar.
Ive seen some comments say that she blames everything on purity culture but I didn’t get that feeling at all. Although I also absolutely agree it’s harmful and damaging to many - if not all. To me this was about a person who has always had a deep relationship with god but who was drawn into a system that uses power and authority to gain more of both at the detriment to those it preaches to help.
It’s all too painfully familiar and I can only thank Brenda for sharing her story with us and also for the work that she’s done and continues to do.
It’s about suffering others abuses of power and those come in many, many, forms; religious or otherwise. And the people and systems trying to make her shut herself and her inner voice down.
Her descriptions of the physical sides of trauma reactions spoke to me. I am a person of faith but I wasn’t ever in agreement with organised religion so the abuses of power Ive suffered have been from different areas of life but the feelings are similar.
Ive seen some comments say that she blames everything on purity culture but I didn’t get that feeling at all. Although I also absolutely agree it’s harmful and damaging to many - if not all. To me this was about a person who has always had a deep relationship with god but who was drawn into a system that uses power and authority to gain more of both at the detriment to those it preaches to help.
It’s all too painfully familiar and I can only thank Brenda for sharing her story with us and also for the work that she’s done and continues to do.
January 4, 2022
A stunningly beautiful and honest tale. Although I don’t agree with her thoughts entirely, I would recommend to anyone emerging from Evangelical purity culture dissatisfied or confused. A deeply spiritual story. It read like talking to a kind, warm, gentle friend over a cup of tea or a glass of sweet wine. I aspire to hold her level of introspection, self-compassion, and love for God.
April 30, 2024
Such an honest story with a lot of self-reflection. I really like what Brenda learned and shares about developing a sexual ethic.
April 29, 2021
obviously this is 5 stars... i might write more words i just needa ~reflect~
April 4, 2021
Reading Brenda’s memoir puts into perspective much of what she talks about on her YouTube channel, God is Grey. Her problem in her twenties was that she had to learn through experience the difference between Purity god’s (as she calls it) sexual ethic and a real, practical sexual ethic. She believed the lies of purity culture, that sex outside of marriage is wrong, until she came face to face with real life experiences exemplifying that it’s not that simple. What about if you already had sex before marriage? Is it okay if you marry him? What about when he cheats? Can you fix that if you cheat back? What about after divorce? Does that make you a whore? Why even bother? Why didn’t purity culture prepare her for any of this?
Many of Brenda’s experiences after her divorce left her feeling broken, but it’s not because she was a dirty rotten sinner who should have just stayed with her cheating husband. It was because she didn’t have good sex education growing up; she didn’t know about the importance of sexual integrity, listening to and honoring your body, or enthusiastic consent. I thought multiple times throughout the book how much her younger self could have benefited from the wisdom shared online by her current self. I am certain that her lack of guidance in her younger days is what motivates her to do what she does on YouTube, her podcast, and even in this insightful book. Brenda has the power to rescue so many young Christian woman from the Antagonist of purity culture—and for her, it’s personal.
Read more: https://sheseeksnonfiction.blog/2021/...
Many of Brenda’s experiences after her divorce left her feeling broken, but it’s not because she was a dirty rotten sinner who should have just stayed with her cheating husband. It was because she didn’t have good sex education growing up; she didn’t know about the importance of sexual integrity, listening to and honoring your body, or enthusiastic consent. I thought multiple times throughout the book how much her younger self could have benefited from the wisdom shared online by her current self. I am certain that her lack of guidance in her younger days is what motivates her to do what she does on YouTube, her podcast, and even in this insightful book. Brenda has the power to rescue so many young Christian woman from the Antagonist of purity culture—and for her, it’s personal.
Read more: https://sheseeksnonfiction.blog/2021/...
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 25, 2023
I read this book in a day and a half because I couldn't put it down! Brenda Marie Davies shares so vulnerably and casts a light on all of the darkness that comes from growing up in a culture of shame. The inner dialogue that Brenda shared throughout was very relatable. What a gift of a book to show us how to live in truth and follow the spirit within ourselves, and know that we are good and loved.
March 25, 2023
5🌟
Bueno, para empezar tengo que decir que esta ha sido una de mis mejores lecturas. Y quiero compartirles, en varios puntos, porque este “memoir” es de lo mejor que he leído en años.
* Este es un libro que habla sobre cómo la religión hace que lleguemos a extremos y se genere un daño terrible que a veces parece irreparable. Y quiero aclarar que para mi la religión es algo totalmente diferente y opuesto a la espiritualidad. Mientras una impone, la otra te da alas. Yo creo en Dios, y la religión en su momento, también me dio una cachetada cuando salí a enfrentarme a la vida. De hecho, creo que casi todos (si no todos) crecimos con imposiciones religiosas que sembraron en nosotros creencias, juicios y suposiciones, que afectaron la forma en la que nos desenvolvíamos en el mundo. Sin importar la creencia, el Dios o el libro bíblico, todos hemos visto o tenido contacto con alguna religión, una imposición, y eso hace que fácilmente cualquiera se identifique y conecte con lo que nos relatan en el libro.
* La pluma de Brenda es brutalmente honesta. Ella nos cuenta con una crudeza, sin dejar nada a la imaginación, cómo atravesaba la vida a tumbos. Cómo iba cometiendo errores y como siempre detrás de cada cosa, estaban las ideas en su mente que la culpaban, la señalaban y la reducían a un montón de reglas de “si” y “no”. Ademas, esa sinceridad con la que relata lo que va viviendo, las decisiones que toma y la raíz de donde vienen esas decisiones, nos enseña cómo nuestras ideas afectan enormemente la forma en la que percibimos el mundo y navegamos en el.
* El libro es sumamente profundo y toca temas y propone discusiones sobre asuntos delicados y controversiales. Y lo hace desde una perspectiva racional pero empatica. Habla de la victima, pero también del victimario, sin nunca minimizar y mucho menos justificar los actos que se cometen. Pero si con tanto respeto que te pone a reflexionar sobre todos estos temas de una manera muy introspectiva y existencial.
* Para aquellos que les encanta el chisme, este libro se siente como sentarse a charlar, con una amiga que no ves hace tiempo (con un vinito, claro 🍷). Se sintió íntimo, calido y aún en las partes más difíciles de digerir, se sintió sereno. Además, es que uno no puede soltarlo, porque la forma en cómo nos cuenta todo sin pelos en la lengua te deja enganchado, fascinado y definitivamente es un libro provocativo.
* Me encanto como describió las dinámicas relacionales: amigos, familias, parejas, culitos, familia encontrada, vecinos y hasta mascotas. Nunca idealizando, sino mostrando todas la caras y lo que al final somos, ni blanco, ni negro, sino muchas tonalidades de grises y mezclas de colores. Por otro lado, me pareció simplemente brillante como todo se sintió tan genuino y al final tú logras verte reflejado en sus historias, su familia, amigos, novios y en mi caso, en ella.
* Hay varios símbolos y metáforas que usa, que son bastante sutiles, pero para aquellos que les gusten los “huevos de pascua” (easter eggs), estos hacen del libro una experiencia fresca, amena y hasta cierto punto poética.
* La libertad es uno de los temas centrales y lo desarrolla de forma que vas de la mano con ella preguntándote cómo alcanzarla. Nos lleva en este recorrido donde nos describe la libertad que ve en otros y como ellos la experimentan a su manera, en sus distintas formas y manifestaciones. Nos lleva a cuestionarnos si de verdad uno puede sentirse así. Porque quien carajos sabe a ciencia cierta lo que es ser libre.
* El libro también se centra en hablar acerca de Dios y como, en la mayoría de los casos, metemos en un costal a Dios y la religión como si fueran uno solo. Pero ella se encarga de deconstruir este paradigma y muchos otros al respecto. Aunque no es un libro “de conversión”, si que Dios juega un papel fundamental en la historia. Y ella nos muestra el contraste entre Dios, las Iglesias, las religiones y sus dirigentes religiosos.
* Por último creo que si pudiera describir en una frase como resumiría este libro, diría que es una oda sobre lo que es ser humanos y esa belleza de lo imperfecto.
Después de toda la chachara, solo digo que lo devore y que lo recomiendo, independientemente de que crean o no en Dios o de que compartan, o no, la denominación o ideas espirituales de la autora. Porque como dije es una historia que muestra lo que significa ser humanos y cómo todos solo estamos medrando en el mundo, intentando ser y hacer lo mejor con lo que podemos. Y lo más lindo es el mensaje de amor que llena cada una de sus paginas.
Bueno, para empezar tengo que decir que esta ha sido una de mis mejores lecturas. Y quiero compartirles, en varios puntos, porque este “memoir” es de lo mejor que he leído en años.
* Este es un libro que habla sobre cómo la religión hace que lleguemos a extremos y se genere un daño terrible que a veces parece irreparable. Y quiero aclarar que para mi la religión es algo totalmente diferente y opuesto a la espiritualidad. Mientras una impone, la otra te da alas. Yo creo en Dios, y la religión en su momento, también me dio una cachetada cuando salí a enfrentarme a la vida. De hecho, creo que casi todos (si no todos) crecimos con imposiciones religiosas que sembraron en nosotros creencias, juicios y suposiciones, que afectaron la forma en la que nos desenvolvíamos en el mundo. Sin importar la creencia, el Dios o el libro bíblico, todos hemos visto o tenido contacto con alguna religión, una imposición, y eso hace que fácilmente cualquiera se identifique y conecte con lo que nos relatan en el libro.
* La pluma de Brenda es brutalmente honesta. Ella nos cuenta con una crudeza, sin dejar nada a la imaginación, cómo atravesaba la vida a tumbos. Cómo iba cometiendo errores y como siempre detrás de cada cosa, estaban las ideas en su mente que la culpaban, la señalaban y la reducían a un montón de reglas de “si” y “no”. Ademas, esa sinceridad con la que relata lo que va viviendo, las decisiones que toma y la raíz de donde vienen esas decisiones, nos enseña cómo nuestras ideas afectan enormemente la forma en la que percibimos el mundo y navegamos en el.
* El libro es sumamente profundo y toca temas y propone discusiones sobre asuntos delicados y controversiales. Y lo hace desde una perspectiva racional pero empatica. Habla de la victima, pero también del victimario, sin nunca minimizar y mucho menos justificar los actos que se cometen. Pero si con tanto respeto que te pone a reflexionar sobre todos estos temas de una manera muy introspectiva y existencial.
* Para aquellos que les encanta el chisme, este libro se siente como sentarse a charlar, con una amiga que no ves hace tiempo (con un vinito, claro 🍷). Se sintió íntimo, calido y aún en las partes más difíciles de digerir, se sintió sereno. Además, es que uno no puede soltarlo, porque la forma en cómo nos cuenta todo sin pelos en la lengua te deja enganchado, fascinado y definitivamente es un libro provocativo.
* Me encanto como describió las dinámicas relacionales: amigos, familias, parejas, culitos, familia encontrada, vecinos y hasta mascotas. Nunca idealizando, sino mostrando todas la caras y lo que al final somos, ni blanco, ni negro, sino muchas tonalidades de grises y mezclas de colores. Por otro lado, me pareció simplemente brillante como todo se sintió tan genuino y al final tú logras verte reflejado en sus historias, su familia, amigos, novios y en mi caso, en ella.
* Hay varios símbolos y metáforas que usa, que son bastante sutiles, pero para aquellos que les gusten los “huevos de pascua” (easter eggs), estos hacen del libro una experiencia fresca, amena y hasta cierto punto poética.
* La libertad es uno de los temas centrales y lo desarrolla de forma que vas de la mano con ella preguntándote cómo alcanzarla. Nos lleva en este recorrido donde nos describe la libertad que ve en otros y como ellos la experimentan a su manera, en sus distintas formas y manifestaciones. Nos lleva a cuestionarnos si de verdad uno puede sentirse así. Porque quien carajos sabe a ciencia cierta lo que es ser libre.
* El libro también se centra en hablar acerca de Dios y como, en la mayoría de los casos, metemos en un costal a Dios y la religión como si fueran uno solo. Pero ella se encarga de deconstruir este paradigma y muchos otros al respecto. Aunque no es un libro “de conversión”, si que Dios juega un papel fundamental en la historia. Y ella nos muestra el contraste entre Dios, las Iglesias, las religiones y sus dirigentes religiosos.
* Por último creo que si pudiera describir en una frase como resumiría este libro, diría que es una oda sobre lo que es ser humanos y esa belleza de lo imperfecto.
Después de toda la chachara, solo digo que lo devore y que lo recomiendo, independientemente de que crean o no en Dios o de que compartan, o no, la denominación o ideas espirituales de la autora. Porque como dije es una historia que muestra lo que significa ser humanos y cómo todos solo estamos medrando en el mundo, intentando ser y hacer lo mejor con lo que podemos. Y lo más lindo es el mensaje de amor que llena cada una de sus paginas.
August 2, 2023
Though I bought Brenda's book back in 2021, I only just now got around to reading her memoir and am glad I had unintentionally waited to read it. At the time, I had hoped it would offer me guidance as someone wrecked by the impossible expectations of purity culture. Now, strengthened by the foresight from deconstructing much of that painful dogma, I am left feeling Brenda's analysis and commentary on purity culture is a bit lukewarm and lacking.
Brenda is an incredibly compassionate person, and I commend her for her efforts in this book, but I felt it lacked much of the constructive guidance I would offer to myself at the time I originally purchased her book. I have seen her do this much better on her YouTube channel. To a young reader looking for a hopeful story to help navigate out of a toxic relationship with their own "purity god," this book does not exactly offer a clear takeaway. As I've read in a few other reviews, I agree that Brenda is quick to blame purity culture alone for the many her experiences when I believe her decisions and the decisions of others in her life are the result of a more complex combination of personal failures and flawed societal expectations.
Brenda's raw honesty and well intention critique of harmful aspects of evangelical Christianity clearly comes from a deep love of God, not hatred (as I'm sure many of her critics would claim). I think this is why I wish she had gone more in depth on her early exposure to the church and her experiences with Christianity's teachings beyond their pertinence to sex. Overall, much of the book is heartbreakingly relatable and I do not regret the read, but I ultimately hoped for much more from this book.
Brenda is an incredibly compassionate person, and I commend her for her efforts in this book, but I felt it lacked much of the constructive guidance I would offer to myself at the time I originally purchased her book. I have seen her do this much better on her YouTube channel. To a young reader looking for a hopeful story to help navigate out of a toxic relationship with their own "purity god," this book does not exactly offer a clear takeaway. As I've read in a few other reviews, I agree that Brenda is quick to blame purity culture alone for the many her experiences when I believe her decisions and the decisions of others in her life are the result of a more complex combination of personal failures and flawed societal expectations.
Brenda's raw honesty and well intention critique of harmful aspects of evangelical Christianity clearly comes from a deep love of God, not hatred (as I'm sure many of her critics would claim). I think this is why I wish she had gone more in depth on her early exposure to the church and her experiences with Christianity's teachings beyond their pertinence to sex. Overall, much of the book is heartbreakingly relatable and I do not regret the read, but I ultimately hoped for much more from this book.
April 4, 2021
This book was so captivating, I finished in three days. Brenda's writing paints vivd images and she explains every single thought process that lead her throughout her journey. She experienced such turmoil as she weighed what she was biblically taught against the real, grey areas in life, specially in romantic relationships. I could not put this book down and it had such a powerful ending. Very well done.
Some favorite passages:
What do we “give up” exactly? Sex is an experience to be shared, not an unarmed robbery.
And actually: screw this. Let’s call Purity a “he.” Patriarchy begot purity culture, and evangelicals too often attribute evil to “she.” Take Jezebel and Eve versus Kins David and Solomon. The former are evil; the latter are flawed. So guess what? The rest of this book is going to refer to this evil thing as a “he,” just to switch it up.
Empowering the children we love with education is a sacred gift. I know it’s difficult to give a gift you were not given yourself. I have compassion for parents who are bogged down by their own shame, their trauma, and what they perceive to be their mistakes. But when our response is to rant and rave about hookup culture and keep our kids under lock and key, we are not protecting them but delaying the inevitable.
Maybe you’ve loved someone who - like Lex - became a personification of The Antagonist. Maybe you’ve heard that you’re worthless, unworthy, and not that interesting or special. Maybe, by the time someone came along and abused you, you were primed to believe you deserved it.
Some favorite passages:
What do we “give up” exactly? Sex is an experience to be shared, not an unarmed robbery.
And actually: screw this. Let’s call Purity a “he.” Patriarchy begot purity culture, and evangelicals too often attribute evil to “she.” Take Jezebel and Eve versus Kins David and Solomon. The former are evil; the latter are flawed. So guess what? The rest of this book is going to refer to this evil thing as a “he,” just to switch it up.
Empowering the children we love with education is a sacred gift. I know it’s difficult to give a gift you were not given yourself. I have compassion for parents who are bogged down by their own shame, their trauma, and what they perceive to be their mistakes. But when our response is to rant and rave about hookup culture and keep our kids under lock and key, we are not protecting them but delaying the inevitable.
Maybe you’ve loved someone who - like Lex - became a personification of The Antagonist. Maybe you’ve heard that you’re worthless, unworthy, and not that interesting or special. Maybe, by the time someone came along and abused you, you were primed to believe you deserved it.
January 24, 2022
2 stars instead of 1 because she does make some good points against purity culture, and because many of her early experiences definitely resonated with me, myself having also grown up with the same messages.
However, she definitely could stand to take more personal responsibility for her decisions. I have also been duped into making dumb choices, but looking back, I’m willing to take my fair share of the blame, regardless of the spiritual abuse. Brenda seems to blame her wrong choices on her religious trauma. It doesn’t make the abuse invalid to also take responsibility for your part in believing and enabling it. Both can be true.
I personally do not agree with many of the conclusions she arrived at concerning sin and God, as they are in direct opposition to the Word of God. She even admits at one point that she did not do that much research into the Bible on a topic, but decided to give surface opinions anyways. However, I quite like Brenda as a person and I appreciate her opening up and sharing her experiences and opinions with us.
I would not recommend to just anyone I know, but might make an exception here or there. I certainly will not forget Brenda’s story and I wish her all the best.
However, she definitely could stand to take more personal responsibility for her decisions. I have also been duped into making dumb choices, but looking back, I’m willing to take my fair share of the blame, regardless of the spiritual abuse. Brenda seems to blame her wrong choices on her religious trauma. It doesn’t make the abuse invalid to also take responsibility for your part in believing and enabling it. Both can be true.
I personally do not agree with many of the conclusions she arrived at concerning sin and God, as they are in direct opposition to the Word of God. She even admits at one point that she did not do that much research into the Bible on a topic, but decided to give surface opinions anyways. However, I quite like Brenda as a person and I appreciate her opening up and sharing her experiences and opinions with us.
I would not recommend to just anyone I know, but might make an exception here or there. I certainly will not forget Brenda’s story and I wish her all the best.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
April 11, 2021
Oh, I‘ve read a couple of ultrabiblical and superwise books by evangelical preachers in my life... And this book is close to what I always hoped they would be like - truthful about our own projections of God, the resulting bad decisions and messy dealing with the aftermath. In short, the grey areas.
Although I did find a few of the contemplative passages still quite preachy, I think there was a place for them and I didn‘t take them for any "inerrant" teachings, just honest opinions of a person who‘d been through a lot in her life. I also highly appreciate that any criticism to purity culture is expressed without resorting to anger or insults, instead there is a sense of deep understanding and empathy.
What I didn‘t expect was that there would be such a damn good storytelling. I hardly ever read a memoir that turned out to be such a page-turner that I‘d abandon all of my other reading just so that I could finish this book. I can quite imagine Brenda writing a novel, which is my highest compliment for someone who doesn't do writing as their main profession.
Although I did find a few of the contemplative passages still quite preachy, I think there was a place for them and I didn‘t take them for any "inerrant" teachings, just honest opinions of a person who‘d been through a lot in her life. I also highly appreciate that any criticism to purity culture is expressed without resorting to anger or insults, instead there is a sense of deep understanding and empathy.
What I didn‘t expect was that there would be such a damn good storytelling. I hardly ever read a memoir that turned out to be such a page-turner that I‘d abandon all of my other reading just so that I could finish this book. I can quite imagine Brenda writing a novel, which is my highest compliment for someone who doesn't do writing as their main profession.
April 12, 2022
This is not a typical Christian memoir of the victorious life, but a touching, raw, and very honest memoir of someone sold a bill of goods called "sexual purity" that ended up severely distorting how she viewed sex, her body, her desires, her self and how this church teaching perpetuated shame, guilt, and fear without any accompanying wisdom and growth. While she is unusually honest about how she became more sex positive (and wiser) as she experimented with sex and relationships, the stories are not salacious but focus on her tortured religious thoughts and how she came to believe they did not come from God. Still, as a memoir, I wish she had focused more on the details of her stories and the characters involved and less on her thoughts, which would have made the narrative a bit more cohesive and compelling.
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