11 Bí Quyết Giao Tiếp Để Thành Công

by Michelle Tillis Lederman, Thảo Nguyên (Translator)

Trái với những gì nhiều chuyên gia về networking tư vấn, mọi tương tác đều không cần phải có mục đích hay mục tiêu cụ thể. Chúng ta không cần phải tập trung cao độ vào kết quả có được từ một cuộc nói chuyện, bởi việc xây dựng các mối quan hệ không phải các giao dịch mà là những kết nối. Nó liên quan đến việc tạo ra các cơ hội cho những mối quan hệ đáng tin cậy và trung thực, đồng thời mang lại lợi ích cho tất cả các bên liên quan. Nó liên quan đến sự yêu thích và được yêu thích.

Để hấp dẫn không có nghĩa là phải luôn tràn đầy sức sống, tươi mới hay luôn ngời vẻ hạnh phúc mà ngược lại, xét theo một số khía cạnh. Khai thác sự hấp dẫn liên quan đến việc phát hiện ra những điểm hấp dẫn thực sự - ở bản thân, ở những người xung quanh và ở cả các mối quan hệ của bạn thông qua niềm tin mạnh mẽ rằng những kết nối ý nghĩa là nhân tố tạo dựng mọi mối quan hệ. Thuật ngữ “networking” đơn thuần chỉ là một cách nghĩ khác về điểm khởi đầu của một mối quan hệ. Các mối quan hệ của chúng ta là mạng lưới của chúng ta. Cho dù bắt nguồn từ công việc hay cuộc sống, các mối quan hệ vẫn là điểm tựa của chúng ta, kết nối chúng ta lại với nhau, và hỗ trợ chúng ta trong mọi khía cạnh của cuộc sống.

Để khai thác triệt để sức mạnh của sự hấp dẫn, chúng ta phải hiểu nó là gì và hoạt động ra sao. Rõ ràng, tất cả chúng ta đều là những thực thể khác biệt, và đó là một thực tế chúng ta cần phải chấp nhận và đối mặt.Mỗi chúng ta có quan điểm khác biệt về sự hấp dẫn của bản thân. Nhưng các nhân tố cơ bản thúc đẩy sự hấp dẫn về cơ bản là như nhau đối với tất cả chúng ta. Cuốn sách này sẽ đi sâu vào soi tỏ lần lượt từng bí quyết này, đào sâu chúng để tìm hiểu về vai trò của chúng trong cả môi trường kinh doanh lẫn xã hội, và cách thức tổng hòa 11 bí quyết này trong cuộc sống của chúng ta.

Mô hình mới về networking và xây dựng các mối quan hệ dựa trên sự hấp dẫn này giúp tối thiểu hóa những khoảnh khắc giả tạo và những cơ hội bị bỏ lỡ. Thay vào đó, tôi sẽ chỉ cho bạn cách phát hiện ra những gì vốn đã hấp dẫn trong con người bạn, và làm thế nào để chia sẻ những phẩm chất tuyệt vời này với những người bạn gặp để tạo dựng các mối quan hệ chân thành, thẳng thắn, khởi nguồn cho các tình huống đôi bên cùng có lợi. Bằng cách tiếp cận các mối quan hệ thông qua sự hấp dẫn, bạn sẽ được hạnh phúc hơn, thoải mái hơn và thành công hơn trong quá trình thiết lập các mối quan hệ đầy ý nghĩa.

Ngay cả những người cảm thấy thoải mái khi tiếp cận với những người mới, bắt đầu một cuộc nói chuyện, hoặc yêu cầu thứ bạn muốn cũng sẽ được hưởng lợi từ việc thay đổi tư duy truyền thống về cách thức hình thành các kết nối. Với cái nhìn cởi mở hơn về networking, lấy sự hấp dẫn làm tôn chỉ cho cuộc sống và công việc, bạn chắc chắn sẽ tự mở ra cho mình con đường hoàn toàn mới dẫn đến tiềm năng kết nối với mọingười và nuôi dưỡng các mối quan hệ bền chặt.

Xây dựng các mối quan hệ tốt đẹp và bền lâu bắt đầu bằng việc từ bỏ lối tư duy “tôi” phổ biến trong công việc,vốn dễ dàng lây lan sang đời sống cá nhân của mỗi người. Suy nghĩ “Anh làm được gì cho tôi?” trở thành “Tôi làm được gì cho anh?” Tương tự như vậy, suy nghĩ “Tình huống này có lợi gì cho tôi?” trở thành “Tình huống này có lợi gì cho tất cả chúng ta?”

Bạn phải thay đổi suy nghĩ:
• Từ tôi đến chúng ta
• Từ công việc đến bất kỳ chủ đề nào
• Từ bây giờ đến mãi mãi
Bởi đây là sự thật rất quan trọng về các kết nối ý nghĩa: Không phải về bạn - mà về các mối quan hệ.

Genres: Business, Nonfiction, Self Help, Psychology, Communication, Relationships, Audiobook

284 pages, Paperback

First published September 15, 2011

About the author

Michelle Tillis Lederman, named one of Forbes Top 25 Networking Experts, is the author of The Connector's Advantage, The 11 Laws of Likability, Heroes Get Hired, and Nail The Interview - Land The Job. Michelle is the founder and CEO of Executive Essentials, which provides customized communications and leadership coaching and training programs. Michelle believes real relationships lead to real results and specializes in teaching people how to communicate with confidence, clarity, and connection.

Her clients include JPMorgan, J&J, Deutsche Bank, Target, MetLife, Sony, Ernst & Young, and Madison Square Garden. Passionate about education, Michelle served as an Adjunct Professor at NYU, on the faculty of the American Management Association, Lehigh Executive Education, and Rutgers Executive Education and the advisory board of Kean’s Global Business School.

A regular in the media, Michelle has appeared on or been quoted by CBS, NBC, Fox, NPR, CNBC, the NY Times, the Wall Street Journal, Working Mother, US News & World Report, MSNBC, Forbes and USA Today among many others.

Michelle spent a decade in finance with positions in audit, M&A, financial consulting, VC, and hedge fund investing. She received her BS from Lehigh University, her MBA from Columbia Business School, and her coaching certification from iPec and holds the PCC certification from the International Coaching Federation. Executive Essentials is a certified Women Business Enterprise.


To learn more about Michelle, visit:
Websites: www.michelletillislederman.com/, www.executiveessentials.org/
Book Sites: www.11lawsoflikability.com/, www.heroesgethired.com/
Twitter: twitter.com/mtlederman
Facebook: facebook.com/MichelleTillisLederman
LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/communicationexpe...

Reviews

[Rose · Rating 3 out of 5]

Quick review for a quick read. Michelle Tillis Lederman's "The 11 Laws of Likability" was a valuable read for me on a collective note, with some caveats. I really like reading business and productivity oriented literature, so this book was right up my alley when I requested it as a galley back in 2011. I recently came back to it as I was perusing books in the category and I really enjoyed the fact that not only the concepts of each "law" were spelled out, but accompanied by practical issues that she observed with her clientele. There were parts of it I didn't like as much for the side commentary - as it proved distracting and sometimes judgmental (could've done without the judgmental comment about the "70s disco queen" style of the woman she observed and the odd statement about her "belly rolls", but I knew it was supposed to be an example of loving yourself no matter what you look like. I just wish that could've been better presented.)

Nonetheless, I found myself making positive associations that I could use in my own productivity and self-efficacy in the workplace. It's inspiring and thorough, yet remains a quick read to pick up.

For the 11 Laws themselves, they are as follows:

1. The Law of Authenticity (being and acting true to one's self in interactions with others).

2. The Law of Self-Image (maintaining a positive view of one's self through one's own perceptions and self-dialogue, not simply being dependent on other's perceptions/views of you. Love yourself.)

3. The Law of Perception (Shape how people perceive you through the image you want to project).

4. The Law of Energy (having the drive and motivations to do what you want, giving what you want to receive)

5. The Law of Curiosity (willingness to learn, explore, do)

6. The Law of Listening (being attentive to others' needs, in order to understand)

7. The Law of Similarity (Finding shared values with others)

8. The Law of Mood Memory (People will remember more how you make them feel more than what you say)

9. The Law of Familiarity (Building trust by establishing a base - allowing people to know you. Really focuses on social media networking in this section.)

10. The Law of Giving (Doing things for others, giving what you are able because people value it)

11. The Law of Patience (Good things come to those who wait and stick with things)

I do think, in retrospect, that some of these laws could've been further condensed to make the text even more concise, but I did like how each concept was broken down and expanded out for consideration. I'd return to the text for complimentary reference/resource, though it wouldn't be my go-to/primary resource on the subject matter.

Overall score: 3/5 stars.

Note: I received this as an ARC from NetGalley, from the publisher.

[Lis Carey · Rating 4 out of 5]

How can you network more effectively? Be more likable.

And while that may seem a bit flip, it really is the key. As Lederman says, "People do business with people they like." If you are not likable and reliable, people will find someone else to do business with.

The good news: you can learn how to be more likable, how to make your likability more visible and apparent to others, and Lederman provides a nifty little primer for getting started. And she starts with a personal revelation: Some years back, when she was giving a presentation to students on, amongst other things, making sure every professional interaction has a clear purpose or goal, she asked them what they thought her purpose in that presentation was--and one student said, "You want us to like you." In the moment, she thought to was a ridiculous answer; of course she wasn't concerned about being liked! The comment stuck with her, though, and over time she realized that, in fact, not only do we all want to be liked, but being liked is essential to networking effectively, both personally and professionally. In the years that followed, a growing understanding of what makes us likable and how it works for us led to the need to articulate these lessons for others.

Reduced to its basics, Lederman's advice is: Be yourself. Be nice to yourself: don't say rude, harsh, demeaning things to yourself, but rather use positive self-talk to keep your confidence up and your outlook positive. Be curious; show your interest in learning about others, and offer information about yourself. Finding common interests and common experiences helps to build connections. Always have the conversation--be open to meeting people and talking even if it's not clear what you can do for each other. Be helpful; if you can share information, make a connection, share a relevant personal experience, do it. Don't worry about whether the person will ever be able to reciprocate. Being generous isn't just its own reward; it helps make the world better. And you never know when the person you help may be able to help either you or someone else, in the future. Speak up: Don't be afraid to give compliments. And if something is making it hard for you to focus on the person you're talking to, let them know, so that they don't think it's disinterest in or annoyance with them. Be patient; it takes time to build relationships.

That's the very, very simplified version. Michelle Lederman has a lot more to share, personal experiences both professional and social, as well as tips, exercises, and self-assessment quizzes to help you evaluate your own likability, and work on increasing it. This is not "remake your personality and change your life in thirty days;" this is real, practical advice with reminders not to try to change too much at once--to be patient and work with realistic goals for mastering new skills.

There's a lot to work on here, but as a reading experience, it's well-written and flows easily. You can and should take plenty of time to work on the information and skills offered here, but you won't bog down on your first read through to take in the basics and get a sense of where you want to start first on the those exercises.

Recommended.

I received a free electronic galley of this book from the publisher via NetGalley.

[Kat Riethmuller · Rating 4 out of 5]

Takeaways:
Like yourself and others will like you.
Always be authentic.
First impressions – however unreliable – count the most, so try to make a strong first impression. Exude a positive attitude.
Facial expressions and body language mean more than words or tone of voice.
Mind your “three V’s of communication” – “verbal, vocal” and “visual” signaling: your words, tone of voice, and body language and facial expressions.
Give people time to demonstrate who they really are.
Ask others about themselves more than you talk about yourself.
Offer gifts and treat others kindly.
Help others remember your name by staying in touch.
Don’t be impatient for reciprocity; allow others time to return favors.

Summary:
Don’t Network, Connect
Networking need not be a strategic, artificial, mechanistic, goal-oriented exercise you dread or that deadens your soul. Some experts claim that to be a successful networker, you must attend a certain number of social or business functions, meet just so many people, engage in a particular number of conversations or hand out X number of business cards.

What you show the world is what the world will show you.
None of that is true. Don’t network with people; connect with them instead. Start by being authentic, open and honest. Build from there to become happier and more likable. Create relationships that count by focusing on the “11 laws of likability”:

1. “The Law of Authenticity”
People do not like phonies. To be likable, plainly exhibit your true self. If you present yourself artificially, people will see through you. They will not like you, and you won’t be comfortable with yourself. You’ll feel awkward, which will exacerbate your sense of unease, making you even more uncomfortable, and making people around you uncomfortable. The more insincerely you act, the more people will find you suspicious.

No matter where we are in our careers, forging new connections is a vital part of continued development and growth.
Be true to who you are. Regardless of circumstances, never adopt a false persona. You may think that you should occasionally act in a certain artificial way, such as during a social event, for example. Eliminate such misguided notions from your social repertoire. Look at social challenges in new ways. Reframe your perspective to become more at home with yourself.

2. “The Law of Self-Image”
If your self-image is consistently positive, you will attract other people’s positive feelings. If your self-image is negative, it will be difficult to get others to feel good about you. People see you as you see yourself, so the perception you have of yourself becomes a reality for those around you. No matter what you perceive your drawbacks to be, think well of yourself.

The term networking is simply another way to think about how to start a relationship.
Accentuate the positive. Sit down and write down your nice qualities. In this exercise, examine every aspect of your life. Ask your best friends and family members to describe your most attractive qualities. You may learn that people actually see you more positively than you think. How you speak about yourself to yourself directly affects your self-image. For example, thinking such thoughts as “I have nothing to offer” and “I’m no good at that” sabotages your self-image. Treat yourself to some positive self-talk.

3. “The Law of Perception”
Don’t automatically make assumptions about people based on little or no evidence. For example, don’t misinterpret someone’s shyness as aloofness. Give people a chance to define who they really are without attempting to do it for them. How you judge others is how they will judge you. Unfortunately, first impressions – however unreliable – count the most. To win people over, work hard to make a strong, positive first impression with everyone you meet.

Building relationships is not about transactions – it’s about connections.
Mind your “three V’s of communication” – “verbal, vocal” and “visual” signaling – that is, your words, tone of voice, and body language and facial expressions. Otherwise, people either will be skeptical and untrusting, or will see you as confused and unsure of yourself. Pay particular attention to your body language. In his book Silent Messages, psychologist Albert Mehrabian contends that “total liking” equals “7% verbal liking + 38% vocal liking + 55% facial liking.”

4. “The Law of Energy”
You emit positive or negative energy, and other people receive it. If you exude positive energy – which many people describe as “good vibrations” – you will affect others in an upbeat way. You will make other people feel energized and buoyant. Of course, your positive energy must be totally authentic.

People feel comfortable with who and what they know.
The law of energy involves three aspects: your energy and how well you know it; the other person’s energy; and the expectations you have about the combined energy of you and the other person, depending on your past experiences. To find out what kind of energy you emit, ask at least five people from different areas of your life to comment. Some useful questions include: “How would you describe my mood?” or “How would you describe my personality?”

5. “The Law of Curiosity”
Are you curious about people? Do you want to learn everything you can about them? When you really want to know about people, conversations with them become simple.

When we come from an authentic, genuine place in ourselves, our efforts to connect with people work to their fullest.
Expressing your curiosity helps you become better acquainted with strangers and helps them get to know you. Friendships develop from open exchanges of interest. When you initiate a conversation, focus on the other person. People love to talk about themselves and like those who listen to them do it.

Almost 42% of the entire US population has a Facebook account, and weekly tracking figures reveal that traffic to Facebook often outstrips traffic to Google.
When you ask people about themselves, rely on open-ended questions that start with “what, how” or “why.” Such questions prompt people to speak extensively about themselves and are much better conversation starters than questions that permit only a static yes or no response.

To illustrate, don’t ask, “Do you...?” Instead, ask, “How would you...?” Some other good conversation starters are: “What do you do?” and “What do you think of...?” People have opinions. Ask them to state theirs on the issues of the day to get the conversational ball rolling.

6. “The Law of Listening”
Listen closely. It is almost impossible to understand people if you don’t hear what they say. The benefits of listening to others include developing trust, finding shared interests, discovering what other people need, learning about their primary concerns and accessing their emotions. Active listening is particularly worthwhile at work. For example, productive collaboration with work colleagues depends on everyone listening to each other.

Don’t get in someone’s face, just be in their circle.
Listening occurs at three different levels: First, “inward listening” allows you to relate what you hear to something you’ve experienced in your life. Second, “outward listening” lets you listen more attentively and seek more information. When people express a preference, respond by asking for more information about their choice. Third, “intuitive listening” enables you to heed both what people say and what they do not say. Intuitive listening involves not just words but also careful attention to body language, tone of voice, and so on. Observe the three V’s when you are listening as well as when you are talking.

7. “The Law of Similarity”
People are most comfortable with those they resemble. Demonstrating your similarities to others helps make them your allies. They automatically feel close to you. From such similarities, trust develops. Do a self-inventory to discover the possible points of comparison in your life that create an opening for establishing a relationship: your college, your clubs or hobbies, your favorite movies or music, your job, your background, and so on. Use social media such as Facebook and LinkedIn to discover commonalities with other people you want to get to know.

Intuitive listening is about listening to what’s being communicated nonverbally as much as verbally.
You can use such techniques as mirroring – matching other people’s body postures – to demonstrate your similarities during a conversation. If someone leans forward while speaking to you, do the same when it is your turn to speak. Remember to handle mirroring intelligently, subtly and appropriately. For example, if someone leans away from you while speaking, that indicates detachment. In this case, you do not want to convey the same distancing attitude.

8. “The Law of Mood Memory”
How strangers perceive you depends to a large degree on how you have interacted with new people in the past. How you make people feel affects them more profoundly than what you say. Other people’s moods can go up or down when you walk into a room, depending on how you made them feel previously. This is mood memory, and it directly affects likability.

Introverts should know that they can feel completely at ease in business and social situations, too, and that being introverted can be a strength.
To become more likable, elevate people’s moods; don’t depress them. Be conscious of the words you use. Establish solid eye contact. Smile often. Nod to indicate your approval of what another person says, but don’t overdo it. Asking others for advice is another good way to affirm their value. Be careful about taking over the personal space of your conversational partners. Give them plenty of room. Say nice things to other people, and compliment them sincerely when you can.

9. “The Law of Familiarity”
If people know about you, and what they know is positive, you are on the right track to likability. The more positively familiar you are to others, the better.

Body language contributes more than 50% to our overall likability.
Keep your name in front of other people by sending congratulatory notes or social cards. Stay in touch with people, and remain current with them through the Internet’s social media. With two out of every five US residents on Facebook, this social network is a great place to maintain and promote your familiarity. LinkedIn is a terrific connection builder for business people. As of March 2011, Twitter had upward of 175 million users and is an invaluable tool for generating and maintaining familiarity. The beauty of social media is that you can stay in close touch with old friends, make new friends and build positive familiarity with them all.

10. “The Law of Giving”
A terrific way to increase your likability is to give people something of value. This does not have to be a physical or monetary gift. You can provide emotional support to someone at a crucial juncture in his or her life. In effect, you give people gifts when you invite them to a special occasion, or when you let them know about an event you think they’ll want to attend.

Energy is the unspoken element present in any exchange, so it is important to be aware of the energy you are bringing with you to the interaction.
When you give to others, you will receive. That’s the traditional quid pro quo. But likability champions don’t focus on what they might get when they give to others. Instead, they simply give with joy. Other useful ways that you can give to others – that don’t cost anything – include passing along articles about subjects of interest to them, offering helpful advice or providing special favors. For example, send a lead to a salesperson, or refer him or her to someone who wants to buy a product or service similar to what he or she sells.

11. “The Law of Patience”
The more patient you are, the better your situation will be. To increase your tolerance, put your expectations aside. Don’t wait for other people’s responses, which may never come. Instead, let circumstances work out in their own good time. Patience is a better approach for those who do something nice for others and ordinarily become frustrated if they don’t quickly receive something in return. Often, relationships suffer because people automatically want such immediate reciprocation. Don’t deal in expectations. Instead, bide your time without resentment.

When you give freely to others, not only do you increase your likability and aid other people, you almost always get something unintended in return.
The law of patience represents the logical culmination of the 10 preceding likability laws. This is a key virtue, and likability ultimately depends on it. Be serene as you work to develop viable relationships with other people, and as you strive to increase your familiarity online and in your social world. Patience enables you to do nice things for other people without worrying about getting something in return. And that makes you very likable.

Likability Is Not Complicated
Likability is not a pose. It is not an attitude. It is not guile or artfulness. It certainly is not just a tally of how many people like you or how many people you like. Instead, likability is a bedrock life approach and philosophy. It is the authentic, sincere way you connect with your fellow human beings. Likability enables these connections.

When it comes to relationships, nothing is more basic or vital than likability. The way likability works could not be more straightforward: Give and you receive. When you get right down to it, likability is pure common sense. Give people reasons to like you and they will; don’t and they won’t.

[Charlefpai · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not liking (huhu) the fact that it's all around likability (which should not be our selfish focus), but still has great actionable tips for "richer connections" with others.

[Mckinley · Rating 2 out of 5]

Each "law" own chapter with summary at end. Nothing new.

Section 1: Authenticity: make connections you want, "do it, re-frame it, or delete it"

Self-Image: like yourself, positive self-talk, convert negative self-talk

Perception: it is reality - we create, first impression matter, keep an open mind (how do people perceive you), be flexible/modify behavior to align with authentic self, be consistent (in verbal, vocal and visual) in how you present yourself/thoughts, do away with self-doubt, know your communication style and observe that for others (fast - straight line and zig-zag or considered - angle and circle)

Energy: flows on and back, channel your authentic energy, know and id your and others energy, harness your energy

Section 2: Curiosity: use to create connections, start conversations (open-ended), share about self as well, limit research before meeting with others (I don't agree)

Listening: listen to others, 3 levels: 1- what you hear about you, 2- what you hear about other, 3. to learn about situation

Similarity: trust and like what one knows so make connections, and mirror other

Mood memory: people remember more how you make them feel than what you say, it's HOW you say it not what, body language and energy inform others impression of you, "Admire, appreciate, and ask for advice," end conversations timely, leave feeling good

Section 3: Familiarity: like similarity but ongoing

Giving: give first because you can and it creates value; proactive about helping- what, who and when; will get back in return and continue the cycle of giving

Patience: time can do a lot to make things happen; will ripple out; relationships need time to evolve

[Elle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Remember when you were younger, adults would constantly remind you on how to act: "Put that down", "say thank you," "smile". Refreshingly, I felt like this book acted as my adult, giving helpful reminders on how to be perceived better by others. Yes, some of the 11 laws are common sense, things we already know, but this book does a great job at explaining them thoroughly and reminding the reader when, where and how to use them.

This book differs from other networking books because it isn't focused on outward manipulative tactics with goal setting in mind. Herein lies the strength of this book. The book doesn't give you another job to accomplish, instead it is a refreshing take on how to interact with others, regularly, and how simple changes tend to have a positive effect on how people think of you.

I was pleasantly surprised with this book and I can already note improved likability in my social life after applying some of these techniques. I'll be keeping my eye out for other works by this author.

[The Reading Countess · Rating 4 out of 5]

Though geared for people in business, I initially asked for this title quite selfishly to share with my son. Smart, funny, handsome (if I do say so myself); he often questions himself. Selling himself short, he could brush up on some "people skills" as well.

Reading it through the lense of a mom looking for tips to help her child, I'm sure I read it differently than another reader who picked it up for business purposes. Either way, The 11 Laws of Likability is specific and helpful. Told through a useful vignette at the beginning of each chapter immediately following a quote from a famous health professional, Lederman then details concrete examples and exercises. Her conversational tone allows her readers to read with ease and pick up bits of gold along the way. In fact, I highlighted quite a few passages to discuss with my son very soon.

*ebook provided by Netgalley

[Shreeya Sharma · Rating 4 out of 5]

Things that Author talk about in the book:
Be Your Authentic yourself
Appreciate yourself that will help you appreciate others
Look at others without any bias
Have patience
Be Curious
Have Dialogues and not "yes no" kind of conversation
People who like each other starts mirroring each other. That's your cue if someone appreciates or likes you.
Listen not just with your ears but also with eyes
Look for commonality between you and the person you are talking to.
Skip place where you cannot be authentic

Author explains these things in detail with examples and life experiences.

[Charmin · Rating 3 out of 5]

HIGHLIGHTS:
1. Leave w/ positive mood + opportunity for follow up (helping them).

2. Support and generosity makes you too of mind

3. Friendliness + Relevance + Realness.

4. The ability to create positive attitudes in other people through the delivery of emotional and physical benefits.

5. The more likable you are, the more likely you are to be on the receiving end of a positive choice from which you profit.

6. Likeable people inspire others to give more.

[Michelle Lederman · Rating 5 out of 5]

Of course I love it - I wrote it! :)

[John Magdaraog · Rating 5 out of 5]

11 LAWS OF LIKEABILITY

By

Michelle Tillis Lederman




THE LAW OF POSITIVE MOOD MEMORY

The way you experience a person or a situation—the feeling you get, whether negative or positive—lingers long after the actual moment of interaction has past. The impressions you are left with form the feelings you associate with that person or event. This is called ‘‘mood memory.’’ Creating positive mood memories of yourself for other people is an essential part of increasing your likability.



Eye Contact
Consistent eye contact makes a person feel listened to and respected, and therefore good. There is abundant science that supports this claim. Direct eye contact releases feel-good en- dorphins, and the heart starts to beat a little faster.

Smiling
A Genuine Smile Is Incredibly Powerful.
Itcommunicates ease and openness, approachability and trustworthiness. It is per- haps the single most immediate way to express likability. An au- thentic smile creates strong positive mood memories.

A smile is like an invitation to join a conversation and feel comfortable saying what is on your mind. Granted, some of us are not natural smilers, but I encourage you to practice.


Nodding

Nodding should be a signal that’s in your nonverbal toolbox. You don’t want to overuse it, because its purpose—to indicate agreement or attentiveness—can be diminished if it’s done too much.





MASTERING THE POKER FACE
(Verbal & Non-verbal: Vocal tone,body language , and facial language must be congruent to appear authentic .

Note: The people you are talking to are also reading you which is why it is so important to “master your poker ♣️ face” at all times to build strong relationships and respect with people.)

We looked at psychologist Albert Mehrabian’s likabil- ity formula, which states that body language contributes more than 50 percent to our overall likability. If you want the authentic you to stay with someone after the conversation is through, you need to be sure that what you say during the interaction is congruent with how you say it. Your verbal and nonverbal messages need to communicate the same things.


ADVICE SEEKING


Do you want people to like you? Seek their advice. Seeking their advice makes them feel important and their opinion matters.




LAW OF SELF-IMAGE

To make meaningful connections in an authentic way, you have to project the best parts of your true self. In other words, before you expect others to like you, you have to like you—that is the law of self-image.

Note: Dressing up and presenting yourself in a nice way is a sense of weapon/power according to Kevin Sameuls. People will judge you based on how you look/dressed. So, dress up well every day.


-Your self-image is your self perception.



-You have to like you first.

She stood there holding the rail, confident and calm, a sparkle in her eye indicating that she knew she looked good, and she did. She was completely com- fortable in her own skin, extra tummy rolls and all, and she was showing the world that she thought she was one hot mamma. And as a result she was one hot momma. What we think about our- selves is who we are.




If the ways you perceive other people become your reality about them, then how you perceive yourself is your reality about you. What you believe about your strengths, weak- nesses, knowledge, and skills is what you transmit to the outside world.


THE REAL YOU IS THE BEST YOU

Authenticity is who you are—your honest reactions, your natu- ral energy. Sharing what is real about you is the key to building real relationships with others. When you show your authentic self, people will respond in kind, laying the bedrock for mutual under- standing, connections, and growth.

We feel uncomfortable, awkward even, perhaps unconfident and stressed, and more often than not, after being in a situation where we don’t feel as if we are being our true selves, we’ll feel drained. There is a difference between tired and drained. Tired is a physical state. But that drained, emptied-out feeling comes from the mental effort of forcing yourself to act in a way that is not natural for you, when you are doing something that doesn’t feel quite right, something that feels inauthentic.

-Your perception about yourself is your reality.




THE LAW OF LISTENING


Listen to Understand

When building relationships, how you listen can be as important as what you have to say. This is the foundation of the law of listening: You have to listen to understand

Build trust
Assess needs
Identify interests and passions
Discover commonalities
Tune in to emotions and energy
Determine communication preferences
Uncover known or unidentified concerns



3 LEVELS OF LISTENING

Inward listening(Listening in)(relating)

Inward listening is when you try to relate to another person by voicing what you love and finding commonalities.

Outward listening(Listening out)(Being interested in them)

Outward listening is when you try to be interested in other people's hobbies and likes by asking questions about themselves.

Note: People love talking about themselves so in order to be interesting you have to be interested in the person you’re talking to.

Intuitive listening (Listening intuitively)

Intuitive listening is when you try to listen with your eyes and ears by observing how their body language is like being in your presence.





Listening traits

Maintain eye contact
Limit your talking
Focus on the speaker
Ask questions
Manage your emotions
Listen with your eyes and ears
Listen for ideas and opportunities
Remain open to the conversation
Confirm understanding, paraphrase
Give nonverbal messages that you are listening (nod, smile)
Ignore distractions


Good Listening Is a Win-Win

As an effective listener, you will establish stronger connections with the people you engage, you’ll have a more robust understanding of what is being said, and you’ll get more out of conversations on the whole.




CURIOSITY CREATES CONNECTIONS


NETWORKING

Cultivate the connections that you want to have, not the ones you think you should have. Build relationships with the people you enjoy, based on your authentic experiences of



I’ve learned that three tech- niques are particularly useful in this process:


1. Be your own best friend
. 2. Frame a positive picture.
3. Celebrate the small stuff.



Fake It Till You Make It Real

The purpose is to try on what it might look and feel like to perceive of ourselves in new ways, or to act differently than we’re accustomed to. By stretching out of our comfort zones—or as some would say, ‘‘faking it’’—we can grow comfortable with these new modes of thought and action until they eventually become normal or ‘‘real’’ to us.



GIVING COMPLIMENTS


Compliments are signs of respect. Of course, you must be genuine in your compliment, lest it come off as flattery, but if there is something that you truly
admire and want to express something about someone, giving the person a compliment can be a great way to open a conversation. Not only does it create positive energy between you and the person you’re addressing, it can also build trust and foster greater understanding. When people realize that you’ve noticed something positive about them, chances are they’ll start looking for things they admire about you, too. This technique is often most effective when followed by a supporting question that reflects your genuine feelings and curiosity.




THE LAW OF PERCEPTION

Our perceptions of others are our realities about them. This is the law of perception. Whatever impressions a person gathers of you, as he consciously or unconsciously interprets your words and actions, become his reality about you.


It’s All in Your Body/Mastering Poker Face
(Vocal/Face/Body language must be congruent in order to look authentic/real)




THE LAW OF FAMILIARITY



It was the law of familiarity in action: People feel comfort- able with who and what they know.

Build Familiarity

. Stay in someone’s mind through social networking applications, notes of well wishing, personal recommendations, and sending your regards.


Congratulations/Sending Out Your Regard
Sending a note of congratulations or well wishes is a simple and unobtrusive way to stay in someone’s mind, increase positive feel- ings, and express your interest in maintaining a connection.

Note: In terms of sa pag di-dating, may isang technique akong natutunan ko kay YT Alpha Man Mindset in regards to beating the competition and winning her. Yung technique is to hit her up from all different angles like LAND( text messages) , SEA(Voice message), AIR((Video message), AND SPACE(Live call) by doing this you will stay in her mind and make you her first selection because it separates you from the competition. Variety is the spice of life so try to mix it up with any of these methods.

[Gregory Eakins · Rating 1 out of 5]

In The 11 Laws of Likability, Michelle Lederman presents some strategies on how to build personal relationships with a focus on business interactions.

This book is organized into 11 "laws" such as "The Law of Authenticity" and "The Law of Patience." She discusses each one and uses stories to connect the reader to the concept. Sometimes there are exercises thrown in to get you to do something. Every chapter has a nice summary at the end.

Lederman fills every chapter with pretend and cringe-worthy conversations. I think she pulled them straight from self-help fairytaleland.

The largest problem with this book is it treats the reader as if they are completely socially inept (this might actually be a reasonable assumption). The advice is so basic that any well adapted person should already know it. For example, in The Law of Similarity, you are advised to look for common interests, backgrounds, and shared beliefs. Isn't that automatic to everyone?

The tech advice part of this book is laughable. At one point she recommends downloading "Xobni" - a crapware addon to Microsoft Office that was shut down shortly after this book was published. In addition, she educates us on the mysteries of social media by defining esoteric "lingo" such as:

Your profile is your online presence, which can also be thought of as your homepage. You have options for personalizing your profile, and you can choose to include as much or as little information as you want. You can add photos to your profile so that other people can put a face to your name.

She goes on to explain "friend", "connection", and "follower" for us, as well as "notification" and "wall". This will be incredibly useful as I explain to my grandmother how to share those mildly inappropriate things she shouldn't be sharing.

[Cyndie Courtney · Rating 4 out of 5]

While many of the principles make intuitive sense, I think the book also has its place in today's world as many young adults find themselves living far from home, building work relationships or trying to make new adult friends. Rather than trying to be someone you THINK others want you to be, this book discusses the psychology behind how likability works and how to show up authentically.

The book has a relatively straightforward outline that is also easy to note down yourself and keep for future reference if needed. It's easy to read and has some good practical information.

Originally read this book thinking it would be helpful for individuals who were being told they were jerks and might want to show up differently. While not enough on its own, in those situations, this might be a good companion in those situations to books on feedback like Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well and on conflict resolution.

[Kareem Gamal · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sheds the light on why we perceive our friends as likable or not, and how most people only do business with people they like, I would say most of it is common sense, but here are some key concepts I got away from this book;

it's certain that you will find at least one thing you like in every person you come across

always be authentic, and know the difference between being authentic and being brutally honest

approach others with a "mutual value added" mentality, and no it's not like you will have to plan your friendships according to the difference in the extent between what you are getting and what you are providing

keep your 3 communication Vs in sync, verbal(what you say), vocal (how you say it) and visual (basically your body language), if one of them is lacking, some confusion might occur to the other person

[Jatin · Rating 2 out of 5]

I was going to finish the audiobook and rate it higher than this, but had to drop at about 1/3rd coz having a man's voice narrate the woman-specific experiences in first person really breaks immersion. Can get past a few times, but too many of those and I just don't want to continue.

The only reason I'm rating it more than 1 is because that's not very related to the relevance of the text itself.

[David Wygant · Rating 3 out of 5]

Seek connections not transactions. Look for the good and interesting in other people. Be genuinely curious and ask questions to sustain a good conversation. Open-ended questions start with what, how, why or how come.

[Suwandy Tjin · Rating 4 out of 5]

Useful book. Recommended for anyone

This book is suitable for anyone who want to improve and grow in their personal and professional relationship. I started the book not sure if its helpful but as I keep reading I find I can learn so much.

[Julie · Rating 1 out of 5]

I think this might be a good book for someone who is new to the concept.
I have to admit, I did not finish the book.

[wly · Rating 4 out of 5]

straight forward and practical solution to improving your interpersonal skills.

likeability = don't do things that people don't like + do things that people like.

it was an eye opener.

[Walter T. Mara · Rating 5 out of 5]

A very useful book

I found this book to be very useful and very educational. The author explains everything in a very organized manner.

[Nirupama P.R.V. · Rating 5 out of 5]

Loved reading about the 11 laws of Likability!

[jen · Rating 1 out of 5]

😒

[Ellen · Rating 3 out of 5]

Not particularly ground breaking, but an easy read that has a lot of general ideas of communication and likeability in the one place.

[Alexander Gil · Rating 4 out of 5]

Great for your LQ.
Law of authenticity, self-image, perception, energy, curiosity, listening, similarity, mood memory, familiarity, giving, patience.

[Kris Yonushka · Rating 4 out of 5]

Networking

A map for those who wish to put yourself out there. I really like the focus on authenticity as she reviews each with examples and detail. A networkers guide for success.

[Niko Antushevich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Building and maintaining relationships is one of the most underrated skills in life that would take you very far. The book offers simple concepts to increase like ability and improve common sense.

[Dai Nguyen · Rating 4 out of 5]

see my summary at fireflies.vn

[Yojana]

Read upto half and then left

[Lydia · Rating 3 out of 5]

It took me some time to warm up to this book but once I did I am genuinely glad I read it.

[Nathan Um · Rating 5 out of 5]

Very good practical book on networking well and making friends. Recommend if you want to find ways to positively impact others