For When I'm Gone

by Rebecca Ley

Because there's never enough time to say goodbye...Sylvia knows that she's running out of time. Very soon, she will exist only in the memories of those who loved her most and the pieces of her life she's left behind. So she begins to write her husband a handbook for when she's gone, somewhere to capture the small moments of ordinary, precious happiness in their married lives. From raising their wild, loving son, to what to give their gentle daughter on her eighteenth birthday - it's everything she should have told him before it was too late. But Sylvia also has a secret, one that she's saved until the very last pages. And it's a moment in her past that could change everything.

Genres: Fiction, Ebooks, Audiobook, Roman

368 pages, ebook

Published June 8, 2021

About the author

Rebecca Ley is a journalist who wrote a column for The Guardian, Doing it for Dad, about her father's dementia. She has previously worked at the Times, The Sun and The Daily Mail. Her debut novel For When I'm Gone came out in September 2020 and her new book is called The Trip.

Reviews

[Marloes · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sylvia en Paul zijn al jaren samen en hebben twee jonge kinderen, wanneer Sylvia op haar 38e de diagnose terminale kanker krijgt. Ze besluit een handleiding te schrijven voor haar man, een handleiding die alleen hij mag lezen. Een handleiding die volkomen oprecht is, met eerlijkheid als laatste blijk van liefde. In deze handleiding schrijft ze over praktische zaken, over de karaktertrekken van hun kinderen, over hoe hij bepaalde zaken volgens haar het beste zou kunnen aanpakken.

Daarnaast schrijft ze over haar verleden, over het ontstaan van hun liefde en hun huwelijk, over obstakels die ze hebben moeten overwinnen omdat een huwelijk soms hard werken is, ze schrijft over grote vreugde en over gedeeld verdriet. Omdat ze beloofd heeft om volkomen eerlijk te zijn, biecht ze ook een lang bewaard geheim op.

“Je bent straks weduwnaar, een begeerlijke partij. Nog steeds sexy, ondanks de grijze haren en de steeds diepere rimpels. Een beetje hulpeloos. Daar zijn vrouwen gek op. Voor ik hier kwam, zag ik ze al rondcirkelen, die bakblikbitches met hun gehaktovenschotels en hun gespeelde bezorgdheid.”

In afwisselende hoofdstukken lees je delen uit Sylvia’s handleiding, over het leven van Sylvia en Paul samen en over het leven van Paul en de kinderen na Sylvia’s dood. De personages zijn goed uitgewerkt, al voelde ik bij vlagen wel een bepaalde afstand, alsof ik ze niet écht door en door heb leren kennen, terwijl ze zich op andere momenten volledig openstellen. Af en toe voelde het wat gereserveerder en soms vond ik dat Sylvia nog wel iets meer op de (ouderschaps)kwaliteiten van Paul mocht vertrouwen, maar ze geeft ook vaak mooie adviezen en ze wil alles opschrijven omdat haar versie van gebeurtenissen samen met haar zal sterven.

Het boek is goed en vlot geschreven, vol mooie zinnen en observaties, het is meeslepend en soms ontroerend, terwijl er ook ruimte is voor humor. De personages zijn niet perfect, wat ze realistisch maakt, al zorgt dat er ook voor dat ze niet altijd even sympathiek overkomen. Het is een boek over een liefdesgeschiedenis, over een familie, over hoe iedereen anders rouwt, over het moederschap, over geheimen, over diepe liefde en over iets achter willen laten. Een verhaal over ambities, over vriendschappen, over doorleven na een groot verlies en over dierbare herinneringen. Het verhaal maakt indruk, zorgt af en toe voor kippenvel en laat zien dat niets in het leven vanzelfsprekend is.

3.5⭐️

[Becca · Rating 5 out of 5]

I was drawn to For When I’m Gone right from reading the synopsis. Reading about family life is so wholesome and the promise of a secret lured me in!

The book is told through two timelines and a perspective; Sylvia’s manual, then and now. It also finishes with ‘when’, so you could say there are actually three. I really enjoyed this split. That familiar, enticing feeling of finishing one section and needing to know what happened next was very present. Being equally drawn in by the following section really helped, however!

Sylvia’s manual is her voice, told prior to her passing. It’s kind of a ‘how to live without her’. I really like when there is a first person narrative for a character who isn’t directly present in the storyline, it’s nice to still be able to learn about them in their own words. The ‘then’ is the past. This starts right from Sylvia and Paul’s first meeting and Sylvia’s life, up until her passing. ‘Now’ is life as is, without her present. I really enjoyed being able to piece together the narrative over the course of the book and the split between first and third person was a perfect balance.

Rebecca is a wonderful writer. The whole of For When I’m gone is exceptionally emotive and beautifully written. The grief is so raw but the entirety of the book is so realistic. I found the characters actions to be true to life and perfectly balanced with those real emotions; guilt, denial, anger etc.

I really enjoyed Sylvia as a character and being part of her world. The way the book is written through timelines allows you to learn about Sylvia and Paul as a couple, and also Sylvia as an individual. It was lovely to be able to see the kind of people they were and how that altered across the decade.

The book is exceptionally thought provoking and has definitely had a lasting impact on me. I feel it’s important to make a conscious effort to spend more time in the moment and also less time on my phone or wishing time away to an event in the future. I think it’s easy to take things for granted or as a given but I really felt this book put that into perspective.

A highly emotional, heartbreaking but beautiful debut novel. I thoroughly enjoyed it and highly recommend!

[Teresa Nikolic · Rating 4 out of 5]

Because there's never enough time to say goodbye...

When Sylvia is diagnosed with cancer at the age of 38, she believes she can fight it, she has major surgery, but it's not enough and she's just been told that she doesn't have long left. Paul is an amazing dad to their two young children, Megan and Jude, but she knows it will be a struggle for him to go it alone as a single parent, so she writes him a guidebook to help him when she's gone, covering everything he needs to know about raising their wild loving son and even what to give their gentle daughter on her 18th birthday, but also capturing parts of their marriage so that he can look back at it and never forget her. There's a secret though, that she's never revealed to anyone, and she saves this till the very last pages, a past demeanour that will reveal her to Paul in a whole new light, how will he react to this, but more importantly how will he continue without her?

This is a very moving story and truly depicts a mothers love for her family, the fact that she's dying, has very little strength, yet still manages to create a guide for her husband to continue to look after their children, creating as little disruption in their lives as possible, losing their mother is going to be hard enough as it is. The story is told across two timelines; Now, portraying how the family are coping with Sylvia's illness and untimely death, and Then, where Sylvia takes us back to the past; her childhood, meeting Paul and their lives before tragedy struck. It's a very poignant tale and the author has delivered it to the reader beautifully, very sympathetically and with compassion, highlighting the fact that nothing in this life is given, that we should make the most of what we have and live for the moment, because tomorrow is never promised. This is a great debut and I look forward to reading more by this author. Highly recommend.

I'd like to thank Orion and Netgalley for the auto approval, I will post my review on Goodreads now and Amazon on publication day.

[Nila (digitalcreativepages) · Rating 5 out of 5]

An emotional story was this. I knew I would cry a lot as with world crisis, my emotional makeup seemed to have transformed into a highly emotional one. So this book pulled my heartstrings from the blurb itself.

A debut by author Rebecca Ley, I was completely in my own cocoon when I was reading this, immersed in the strength of a mother’s love as she wrote a guidebook for her husband to bring up their children after she was gone.

Sylvia was diagnosed with cancer and she had barely any time left. Knowing her husband would flounder without her, she started writing a book to guide him on later in life, along with a secret hidden in the last few pages.

Omg! I really didn’t have any words to express what I felt after reading this book. All I could see as evidence to my emotions evoked were the strewn tissues around me. The love a mother had for her children and a wife for her husband were beautifully encapsulated in the writing.

There was a beauty in the prose, and though it made me cry buckets, it brought a special kind of joy, knowing I was reading a story with a great array of human emotions.

Written in dual timelines, the present as the family was coping without their backbone, and the past where I got to know Sylvia’s life journey. The only time we have in our hands is NOW, and the author brought home this simple truth in a poignant tale.

After the world crisis, I didn’t need this reminder, but it still managed to ravage my heart and leave me both happy and sad. A striking debut was this book where author Rebecca Ley simply stole my heart completely.

[Anoeska Nossol]

DNF op ongeveer 10%

Ik ben het boek niet gestopt omdat ik het niet goed vond, maar omdat ik mij als persoon te veel voelde. Het boek is zeer persoonlijk en lijkt zich sterk te richten aan haar man. Als lezer voelde ik mij zeer ongemakkelijk, een indringer in hun huwelijk. Het lijkt me een onwijs mooi boek, maar het oncomfortabele gevoel dat ik ervoer; zorgde ervoor dat ik niet verder kon lezen.

[Joanna Park · Rating 4 out of 5]

This has to be one of the most beautiful, heartfelt books I’ve read for a long time. It’s a book that somehow manages to be heartbreaking and heartwarming at the same time.

The subject of this book is obviously a very poignant one which hit me hard, especially as I’m a parent myself. I often found myself tearing up at the milestones Sylvia would be missing and how it would feel to be in her shoes. It definitely made me appreciate my family more and I often found myself having to give my kid extra hugs or kisses whilst reading.

Sylvia was a fantastic main character who I warmed to instantly and enjoyed following throughout the book. She seemed such a real character so everything that happens to her hit me that much harder. I actually liked that she had flaws and wasn’t perfect as I felt that added more to the story. It definitely made her a more sympathetic, relatable character.

I found this to be a completely absorbing book which I found hard to put down. I thought it was clever that despite such a sad story line the author doesn’t allow the story to just be a sad one and there actually are some funny moments in the book. This is a book that will stay with me for a long time and I will be recommending it to everyone.

Huge thanks to Tracy Fenton for inviting me onto the blog tour and to Orion for my copy of this book via Netgalley.

[Rachel · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a heartbreaking book to read, I felt so much compassion throughout it, breast cancer is close to my heart and being a mother myself my ultimate worry is if something happened to me, the kids would grow up without a mother. This is exactly what Sylvia is going through, although with her it’s not a case of what if, it’s a case of when.
Knowing she hasn’t got much time left, she writes a manual for her husband to help him do the mundane daily chores, routines for the children etc.
This was a sad book and I cried often, once I had finished I was left with a book hangover and a sadness in my heart. I explained the book to my husband and started crying again. I am now an emotional wreck, but it was such a good true-to-life book which will make you think and maybe assess your own life if the inevitable did come along.
A brilliant debut and I look forward to reading more from Rebecca Ley

[Vale Sada · Rating 2 out of 5]

I loved the way the book was written so creds on that to Rebecca Ley. It is a beautiful story that makes you appreciate your life and what you have, it teaches you not to take things for granted. It was a really plain book. The synopsis tells you how Sylvia has a life changing secret and it is really disappointing because the secret is not that big. No regrets on reading it but I expected more.

[Kerri - Book Off I’m Reading · Rating 5 out of 5]

Please don’t let the subject matter of this book put you off because you think it’ll be too sad. I have to admit that I was quite apprehensive about reading this one because I was worried that I would give myself a migraine from all the crying – I am very emotional! But I was so pleasantly surprised because this book is absolutely so much more than that. Yes it made me cry, but it also made me smile and left me in awe!

It’s a real page turner for a start, as it is brilliantly constructed via three timelines or perspectives, Sylvia’s manual ‘For When I’m Gone’, ‘Then’ and ‘Now’ which is brilliant because it breaks up the more emotional parts of the book.

The book’s ‘Then’ chapters take us back in time to see how Sylvia and her husband Paul first met, their courtship and marriage and when their children came along, which I really enjoyed. Whilst ‘Now’ focuses on Paul and the children getting used to life without Sylvia around after she very sadly dies from breast cancer.

The chapters ‘Sylvia’s Manual’ are written from Sylvia’s perspective to Paul and covers everything he needs to know, from the kids’ favourite cheese to the prospect of him finding a new partner. These were definitely the most emotional chapters for me as Sylvia tells us her thoughts and feelings about her illness, her memories, her love for Paul and her hopes for their children’s futures. One thing to note is that the author doesn’t actually write about the event of Sylvia’s death which I thought was a good decision because I think it would have been too harrowing.

What I found most interesting about this book is that we get to know Sylvia ‘warts and all’, as a flawed character just like any one of us, she’s not glorified or portrayed as a saint because she’s ill or dying. She is a fascinating character with serious personal issues and complex relationships, and I loved getting to know her.

I felt that this story really spoke to me as a woman, wife and mother, about my hopes and fears and even just everyday life, it was so well observed and perceptive. I’m blown away that the author has taken one of my greatest fears in life and turned it into an achingly beautiful, touching, and uplifting story.

This is one of my all time favourite books which I cannot recommend highly enough!

[Sarah · Rating 3 out of 5]

This is a conflicted review.
The first two-thirds were dull to me, I never really felt too invested.
However, I am glad I kept on, and I enjoyed the final 100 pages. I also appreciated the way Sylvia was written - grief can give rose-coloured glasses to how we remember the dead, but Sylvia was written with humanity, dirt and glitter both.

[Ellie Hawkes · Rating 5 out of 5]

When I read the blurb for this book, I was instantly reminded of Laura Pearson’s beautiful novel I Wanted You To Know, which I read earlier this year. That book also features letters from a woman suffering with breast cancer, and I started this with the same sense of trepidation, with the inevitability of tears and heartbreak creating tension from the very first page.

The structure of For When I’m Gone switches between Sylvia’s manual for her husband, Paul, written in a confessional first person, and sections from both Sylvia and Paul’s third person points of view (sometimes both in the same chapter) moving between ‘Then’ and ‘Now’. Through flashbacks and flash forwards, we build up a picture of their life together, and there are elements here of a classic love story: first meeting, first intimacy, marriage, kids. It is very much the story of their relationship, but what Ley does so brilliantly is show us a truly modern love story, revealing the cracks and the challenges that do not undermine how Sylvia and Paul feel about each other but rather bring it into reality. This is a real marriage, utterly convincing in its depiction of the way individuals bring their flaws and quirks to coupledom, bumping up against each other’s edges and differences. The prose style is surprising and wonderful – all of the words I scribbled down to describe it sound like biting into an apple: fresh, sharp, crisp, delicious…tangy (I know what I mean by tangy prose, apologies if I’ve lost you!). Ley writes as if each word has been plucked and scrutinised carefully, to make sure it is fit for purpose, and the results are stunning.

For me, the revelation of this book was not the eventual disclosure of Sylvia’s long-kept secret, but the gradual discovery of Sylvia herself, who is a fictional creation of staggering brilliance. It is all too rare to come across a female character who is so complex and flawed and sometimes downright unlikeable but who is not cast as a “bad person”. I wrote briefly about this last year after reading Ottessa Moshfegh’s My Year of Rest and Relaxation: we need more Sylvias, more women who suffer and inflict suffering, who live through tragedies that might not make them stronger, who get it wrong but are not malevolent, who provoke the same reactions of frustration, annoyance, sympathy and understanding that we might feel for our own friends and family. I was so deeply involved in Sylvia’s story that I found myself arguing with her in my head (small example: when she calls herself selfish for choosing a home birth, it struck a personal chord with me and I got very cross!) By the end of the book, I felt as if I had met Sylvia and really knew her, which of course made the final chapters harder to bear.

In the author’s note that came with my copy of the book, Rebecca states that it was important to her that Sylvia not be perfect, that “Motherhood doesn’t confer saintliness, nor does breast cancer.” For When I’m Gone captures this brilliantly, as well as illustrating that life is not a respecter of tidy plot lines or single crises: tragedy does not strike once per family, and nor does it automatically make the sufferer “pure” or “good.” The novel is outstanding on motherhood, showing that we can be flawed people and good mothers, that motherhood changes but doesn’t “fix” us. I think this book is deeply important: fiction needs more women like Sylvia, and more writers like Rebecca Ley. I highly recommend it to anyone who is not likely to be triggered by its powerful themes. I am certainly looking forward to reading more from this hugely talented writer.

[Ria · Rating 3 out of 5]

Please check out my thoughts here...

https://thelibraryenthusiast.blogspot...

[Agi · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sylvia is diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 38. She fights, but eventually she realises that she’s running out of time and she hasn’t long left. The biggest worry for her is the realisation that her children, Megan and Jude, will be growing up without a mother but also that her husband Paul will be struggling with life. So she writes him a „user manual“, a kind of a guide to help him when she’s gone – it’s not only about raising the children but also a kind of a memoirs and persmission for Paul to move on. Will he manage on his own?

I think that because of the fact that we know right from the beginning that Sylvia is dead, we were supposed to like her and sympathise with her. And I felt bad that I am not able to like her and sympathise with her. The pieces of advice she was giving to Paul were a great idea though truly, through her words I couldn’t find any warmth in her. She was too self – concentrated for my liking and mostly I couldn’t understand her choices and decisions.

The story is written in the „Now“ and „Then“ chapters intertwining with each other, giving us a chance to get to know the characters, giving us the insight into their past but in the end I had a feeling that we didn’t get to know the characters, either in the past, or in the present – it felt too superficial.

The book felt very dry. I was expecting tons of feelings and emotions but I got neither, to be honest. I had a feeling that the author herself didn’t connect with her characters, that she didn’t like them, so how was I supposed to like them? For me they didn’t show any emotions. It was as if they themselves didn’t like each other and yes, I know, it was like in real life, with all the ups and down, with likes and dislikes, better and worse days, we are not perfect, sure, I really get it, but on the whole it was too cold and clinical for me.

Altogether, it is a poignant story about the fragility of life with extremely interesting concept. It deals with grief, shows the importance of love and honesty and touches upon complicated and complex family dynamics and there are some really important messages in it. This is this kind of book that will make you wonder „what if“ and you will be putting yourself in the characters’ position, hoping you will never find yourself in their shoes. A book with a great potential and premise, promising debut novel, I’ll be looking for more from Rebecca Ley in the future.

Copy provided by the publisher in return for an honest review.

[Jessica · Rating 3 out of 5]

Whilst I can't deny that this was an enjoyable read overall, I must admit that it didn't leave me completely satisfied. I felt that certain elements were too predictable and the ending was one of those 'all tied up neatly with a bow' scenarios that often just doesn't ring true in real life.

The characterisation fell a little flat for me also. I certainly sympathised with Paul, and Nush was likeable enough but ultimately I didn't feel strong reactions to any of them. Perhaps this was intentional on the author's part to highlight the complexity of people and to show grief in its many guises, but for me it just left me struggling to care too much about the journey they were on.

Sylvia (the character whom the story revolves around) was somewhat problematic for me also. I understand that she was designed to be repenting for past mistakes as her life came to an end but some of the mistakes I just didn't feel like she would have made. Instead they felt like convenient tools to drive the plot forward.

Having said this I did enjoy the writing style and this was enough to keep me reading. I liked how the chapters were laid out, the jumping back into the past and from Sylvia's manual to the present day was not at all confusing, it was executed really well. I also thought it was paced well, at no point did I feel as though it was rushed, all the events unfolded when they should.

I'd certainly give this author another try in the future but I can't say I'd be rushing to reread this one.

I received a complimentary ecopy from NetGalley in exchange for my honest review.

[Rachel · Rating 4 out of 5]

Because there's never enough time to say goodbye...

Sylvia knows that time is running out and with a husband and two children to leave behind, she begins to write her husband Paul, a handbook for when she's gone - details of what to do with their two children, pointers on how to raise them, what they eat, how he should act and also everything she should have told him before it’s too late.

Sylvia wasn’t the perfect mother, far from it, but we see a side to her that I wasn’t expecting and that is her secret, one she has saved right for the very last few pages and it is one that might just change everything - though I won’t spoil it!

Undoubtedly an issue that will have touched most of us and as sad a read as it is, I found it quite uplifting in parts too!

[Nicky Maunder · Rating 3 out of 5]

This one started off really slow for me. You know that Sylvia is terminally ill and she’ll be leaving behind her husband and children, so you know there’s going to be a big emotional impact. And while there were moments, that really packed an emotional punch; as Paul reads her ‘manual’ mixed in with flashbacks from their time before she became ill and to the now, but unfortunately they lost their power. I found it hard to connect with Sylvia. Her story is packed full of grief and the important message that life is short and you shouldn’t take anything for granted, but she is a very flawed character.

⚠️ Reader caution and potential spoilers ⚠️ Deals with stillbirth (the description of and the after effects and bullimia, which some readers might find upsetting.

[Lisa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Incredibly moved by this story and some of the relatable aspects 🥺🌟❤️

[Hayley (Shelflyfe) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thank you to Rebecca Ley for sending me a copy of her beautiful book 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈'𝐦 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐞  - available in hardback now, and the paperback will be available from March 4th.
-
𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐫𝐮𝐥𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰. 𝐍𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧𝐞, 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐚 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐟 𝐭𝐨 𝐜𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐲 𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐞. 𝐓𝐰𝐨, 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧. 𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞. 𝐓𝐡𝐫𝐞𝐞, 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐝𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠. 𝐈 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧, 𝐧𝐨𝐛𝐨𝐝𝐲 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐞𝐲𝐞-𝐫𝐨𝐥𝐥𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐈 𝐬𝐚𝐧𝐤 𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐟 𝐚 𝐛𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬' 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐳.
-
For When I'm Gone is a moving book. It tells the story of Sylvia who, facing her decline after a breast cancer diagnosis, writes to her family.
In this way she leaves part of her legacy after she has passed away.
The story also depicts the impacts of her life, and death, on her family, friends, and the close community around her.
A few trigger warnings for those who need them: eating disorders, baby loss, alcohol addiction.
-
𝐎𝐮𝐫 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐮𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐫𝐲, 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐜𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐰𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐮𝐦𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐩𝐨𝐧. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐩𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐝𝐫𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐤𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐲 𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐬 𝐈 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐬. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐜𝐢𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐜𝐮𝐩𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐞𝐚, 𝐬𝐨𝐟𝐚 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬, 𝐡𝐮𝐠𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐨𝐚𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐩 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫'𝐬 𝐫𝐚𝐝𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐦𝐭𝐡 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐧𝐛𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠.
-
I liked the structure of the story told from three main perspectives: 𝙩𝙝𝙚𝙣 when Sylvia was alive both pre and post diagnosis; 𝙣𝙤𝙬 the present after Sylvia has passed away, and; 𝙎𝙮𝙡𝙫𝙞𝙖'𝙨 𝙢𝙖𝙣𝙪𝙖𝙡 that she wrote while sick, with the aim of helping her family in multiple ways after she had gone.
This change in perspective and timeline really kept the story engaging.
-
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐚𝐬, 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐢𝐜𝐞, 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐞𝐢𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦. 𝐒𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞𝐬 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐬𝐧'𝐭. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐞𝐬, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐠𝐧, 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 𝐰𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐞. 𝐓𝐡𝐚𝐭'𝐬 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐒𝐲𝐥𝐯𝐢𝐚 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐏𝐚𝐮𝐥. 𝐒𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭, 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞.
-
Sylvia and Paul's relationship is interesting, because as characters they are so different. Opposites often attract, and I think being close to people different from ourselves can be really beneficial as you help each other see things in a different way.
Both characters gained a lot from each other - Sylvia so secure in Paul's love for her seemed happier than she had been for most of her life before she met him, and Paul is clearly genuinely excited and intrigued by Sylvia as someone so glamorous and spontaneous even as they grow older together.
-
𝐏𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐝𝐲, 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐧𝐞𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞'𝐬 𝐬𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐬𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐨𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
-
Ley depicts the myriad of emotions surrounding death in a very realistic way.
Every grief experienced throughout life is different, but there are some consistencies, such as the inadequacy of people's well wishes and how after a certain amount of time has passed people expect you to carry on as normal; as though you haven't been forever changed by your loss.
-
𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐧'𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐢𝐦. 𝐇𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐢𝐦𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐒𝐲𝐥𝐯𝐢𝐚 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐢𝐭 𝐮𝐩. 𝐓𝐨 𝐬𝐡𝐮𝐜𝐤 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐝𝐚𝐲 ... 𝐁𝐲 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐬𝐭, 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐬𝐨 𝐨𝐛𝐯𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐜𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬.
-
What stood out to me most about the book is Sylvia's need to be remembered, and how in reality none of us have control over how others remember us when we have gone.
We may hope and wish for certain things, but we have no control over other people, and how they might grow and mature without us.
It is up to others to remember us in the ways that most matter to them as they go forward in life. All we can hope is that we had a positive impact on those around us while we were here.
-
'𝐌𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐲'𝐬 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐫,' 𝐬𝐚𝐢𝐝 𝐉𝐮𝐝𝐞, 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧. '𝐈𝐭'𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞.'
-
I enjoyed For When I'm Gone and would definitely recommend it, and I would read more from Rebecca Ley.

[Anne · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was one of so many where its publication was delayed by the pandemic, and that really must have been such a frustrating experience – especially for a debut novelist. But now it’s available, the early reviews are stunning – and well deserved. It’s a novel with exceptional emotional authenticity, and packs a really powerful punch – it’s also immensely readable while confronting some really serious issues.

The book’s construction is very clever indeed, with Sylvia’s clear voice through the pages of her “manual” interspersed with “Then” – which takes the reader back to Sylvia’s childhood and through all the ups and downs of her relationship with husband Paul – and “Now” where we follow Paul through his grief and beyond following her death. I loved the manual itself – not just a set of instructions for the children’s upbringing and where to find all those important little things he’s going to need, but also a powerful love letter, and an opportunity to share a deeply-hidden secret. As a portrait of grief and loss and attempts to move forward, the “Now” was so well written, very real and particularly moving.

I’d love to say I thoroughly enjoyed the whole book – but I have to reluctantly admit that it wasn’t entirely the book for me, although that wouldn’t prevent me from recommending it wholeheartedly to others or giving it plenty of stars in all those important places. I’m a little older than the average reader, and found it really difficult to identify with Sylvia’s experiences: I don’t have children, and there was a heavy focus on the dynamics of the family and the whole experience of motherhood that made it all a less than comfortable read for me. I’ll also whisper that I really didn’t like Sylvia very much – I suspect she might be an acquired taste for many – although it didn’t stop me feeling deeply for her at so many points in her narrative.

The supporting characters are excellent – Paul’s “conventional” mother and Sylvia’s mother Barbara (who’s many miles away from conventional) added an extra dimension to the focus on motherhood, there’s the complex relationship with sister Tess, Sylvia’s friendship with Nush, and the interesting introduction of housekeeper Natalia (and her motivation for stepping in as she does). The children too were beautifully drawn: Megan, withdrawing into the background a little, breaks your heart – Jude is a bigger challenge, and wonderfully complex.

I’ve spotted comparisons with the writing of Maggie O’Farrell – that must be a dream fulfilled for any new author, and I don’t think I’d particularly disagree. Give it a try – see what you think…

[Sarah - Sarah's Vignettes · Rating 4 out of 5]

This review first appeared at sarahsvignettes.wordpress.com

Because there’s never enough time to say goodbye. Sylvia knows that the breast cancer is terminal. She has so much to say to her husband Paul about their life, their children, Megan and Jude, her mum, Barbara, and sister, Tess, she writes it all down in a manual for Paul for when she's gone.

The chapters in FOR WHEN I’M GONE are divided up into THEN, NOW and SYLVIA’s MANUAL. The 3 periods tell the story of this family from the beginning - THEN when Sylvia and Paul meet - NOW after Sylvia has died and SYLVIA'S MANUAL. The story is woven well and flows seamlessly between the times.

I particularly enjoyed reading the chapters from SYLVIA'S MANUAL. It is Sylvia’s open, honest, frank reflection and observations on life. Her hopes, dreams, regrets, shoulda, woulda, couldas, asking forgiveness and revealing secrets that have long been buried. It is raw, tender and emotional. For me, this is Sylvia's autobiography.

FOR WHEN I’M GONE is also an exploration of motherhood: Sylvia’s relationship with it and her reaction to it, her mother, Barbara’s experiences, Tess becoming a mum.

I was in two minds about reading this book. My dad died suddenly 3 years ago so I wasn’t sure how I would react to it. It wasn’t until I finished it, that I appreciated how beautiful FOR WHEN I’M GONE is. It is a powerful and accomplished debut novel and one that will stay with me for a while. 

My thanks to the publisher for sending me a digital ARC in return for this honest review.

[Kat · Rating 1 out of 5]

Perfect if you want to read about a narcissist who speaks like a Victorian child and tries to control everyone around her.

I feel bad because my best friend gave me this book as a parting gift after graduation, and I really really wanted to like it. I’m literally only keeping it because I love her. On the other hand, I despise the actual book.

I get that Sylvia is dying and wants to stay alive after death somehow (don’t we all?), but the manual she wrote is taking it wayyyy too far. She basically demands the family to do specific things like wear certain clothes, perform certain acts, and… oh yeah, celebrate their dead child’s birthday. I know it’s hard to lose a baby (not personally, but I have lost people), but think about how uncomfortable it is for the kids who never met Rosa. It’s like Sylvia is trying to keep control even from beyond, and that’s just horrible. And I don’t even know why Paul loved her in the first place tbh, because there was no chemistry. Oh wait, maybe he didn’t because at the end he easily moves on with Sylvia’s best friend, Nush (was that supposed to be cute?).

The characters were unlikable, the narration (ESPECIALLY Sylvia’s manual) was INSUFFERABLE because it felt like all was being written was really poor purple prose, and the plot was weak. I don’t even know how the book was so thick with how little actually went on. And it was supposed to be sad, but the only time I felt a twinge of heartache was when Megan tossed Sylvia’s ashes and that twinge was gone after that one sentence.

I’ll still read other of Rebecca Ley’s books because I can’t hold this as the sole summation of her writing skills, but I would never read this one ever again.

I don’t even want to waste anymore time on this book, so I’ll probably just wrap it up with this: would not recommend, 2/10 stars because I survived.

[Georgi_Lvs_Books · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is Rebecca’s DEBUT novel.

It was utterly heart breaking but also exquisite at the same time.

When I read the synopsis on this book I knew I had to have it and I’m thankful my wish came true on NetGalley.

Personally, this was a difficult read for me due to the disease Sylvia has however, I was able to connect with the main characters on a personal level and although this story made me sad, it also brought back some precious memories for me.

The characters in For When I’m ​Gone deal with a lot of pain and sadness and it was nice to see how this family dealt with these, and therefore is a perfect read for anyone going through a particular health condition or loss of a loved one.

A powerful message is spoken throughout this story and I think for everyone reading this it will be different for all.

The message I got from this was, that life is precious and can be taken at any moment. Treasure it. Devour it. Before it’s time to say goodbye.

I consumed this story very quickly, engaging through out and just simply wonderful. ​

A perfect read for general/women’s fiction and contemporary.

I can’t wait to devour Rebecca’s future work.

[Jody · Rating 4 out of 5]

This obviously deals with a sensitive subject as Sylvia is dying from breast cancer. Beyond her cancer, Sylvia is a loving wife to Paul and mother to Megan and Jude. Devastated by the loss of their third child and some complicated relationships with her family this guides you through Sylvia’s life through the manual she leaves for her husband, not to be shared with anyone else.

An emotional read that not only chronicles her life but gives insights into her relationships and regrets. Her struggles with bulimia and her emotional traumas, her deceptions, lies and betrayals. She leaves information for Paul on how she wants their children raised and the things important to her that she wants them to know and enjoy.

There are a lot of complexities in Sylvia’s relationships, especially with her mother, father and sister. Sylvia wasn’t the perfect mother or wife, but she tried her best and loved her family. She is human and relatable.

A real heartfelt read, funny in places, enjoyable seems the wrong word but it definitely was, and all handled so well.

[Lucy-Bookworm · Rating 4 out of 5]

Sylvia knows that she's running out of time – the breast cancer ravaging her body & soon she will only be a memory to her loved ones. She struggles to come to terms with the fact that her children will lose their mother but knows that her husband will struggle most, not only in terms of parenting the children but in running the house, so she writes him a “user manual” for when she’s gone. In it, she captures the mundane of the everyday, but also leaves practical hints. It’s part love letter, part permission to move on & part things she should have said years ago.
The ”blurb” suggests that there is a big secret that she reveals in the story – I didn’t really find that.
I enjoyed this but it didn’t grab me. It was quite slow paced, but the characters developed well & it’s a nice gentle tale of love. There are some difficult subjects but it doesn’t aim to sensationalise anything.

Disclosure: I received a copy of this book free from the publisher via NetGalley. Whilst thanks go to the publisher & author for the opportunity to read it, all opinions are my own.

[Pam Robertson · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a superb debut novel which has some poignant and heart-wrenching moments. You move from the present to the past through the journal which Sylvia has written for her husband as a sort of guide to how he can manage after her death from breast cancer. Through her words, you getto know her. Paul, her husband discovers a few things he did not know about her. It is a powerful story of grief, loss and moving on.
Sylvia turns out to be a complicated but sincere person and you get to see her in her different roles: wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend. Through her, you also get to meet her children. There is so much that resonates with the reader. The daily minutiae of everyday living is set against some profound moments of self-awareness. Although at times it feels unbearably sad, there is also a feeling of resilience and hope. It is one of those books which touches a nerve at times and which has a lasting effect on the reader. Marvellous
In short: Read with a box of tissues to hand!
Thanks to Orion for a copy of the book

[Sally Tyrer · Rating 4 out of 5]

An inspiring read that chronicles sylvias life changing breast cancer diagnosis and subsequent death, a mother, wife, daughter,sister whose life is cut short due to this awful disease.How can you come to terms with such a thing? How do you prepare your loved ones for when you leave them, Sylvia writes a manual for her husband Paul to help guide him through single parenthood to Jude and Megan highlighting all aspects of their life and the humdrum domesticity of family life,and in doing so it helps Sylvia come to terms with several issues and reveals a secret to Paul.
A heartbreaking yet inspiring read that will resonate with anyone who has lost a relative due to breast cancer and had their life cut short, this book is definetly not all doom and gloom and illustrates well the amazing resilience and positivity that can be found in the most difficult times!
Thank you net galley for this early read.

[Linda Tilling · Rating 3 out of 5]

"A life cut short. A grieving family. A mother's guide to surviving without her. On the surface Sylvia and Paul's marriage is perfection: she is beautiful, alluringly spiky and brilliantly clever, he is a devoted and doting husband and father to their two young children, Megan and Jude.

"When Sylvia is diagnosed with terminal cancer at 38, she knows that she must help Paul navigate the chaos of family life in her absence and that the time has come for a secret she has kept from him throughout their marriage to finally be aired. Sylvia starts to write a manual: a guidebook to their shared domesticity.

As Paul learns to live and love without Sylvia, he realises the extent of her legacy and finds himself indebted once more to his extraordinary, difficult wife, for saving them from an even greater tragedy."

I liked the idea of this book and loved the pieces of advice Sylvia gave to Paul in the manual for when she was gone. However, I struggled to connect with Sylvia and her sister and mother, and did not enjoy that part of the book and I ,therefore, failed to understand why she did what she did and kept it all secret from Paul.

In my opinion, it would have been better if the character of Sylvia was shown to be more loving rather than self-obsessed, for the reader to understand the premise of the book.

[janine · Rating 3 out of 5]

If you ever need a reminder to highlight just how fragile life is then this book will surely do that!

Written in the Then and Now, the chapters flip back and forth and give a real insight and depth to Sylvia's past which really helps intensify the meaning to the story.

Had me laughing in places and sad in others. A real emotional book, especially if you have children yourself as you put yourself (in your head) in that position and question the 'what ifs'

I did enjoy the concept of this book but I never fully connected with any of the characters or some of the choices made by Sylvia, her sister and her Mum (no spoilers). Personally I have the need to feel a connection with at least one character to really 'feel' a story.

*PN stillbirth, terminal illness and death are all within this book*

Thanks to netgalley and Orion Publishing for the ARC.

[RosE · Rating 5 out of 5]

I read this and then immediately read it again, finding it even more absorbing, wise and perceptive the second time. It is a subtle and beautifully written study of relationships and family life seen through the prism of terminal illness and grief. Sylvia’s manual interwoven with the flashbacks and Paul’s experience of the present build a completely convincing and minutely observed picture of the characters and their world. So much of the detail about Sylvia and Paul, their children, friendships and family rang true and was described with warmth, humor but also a lack of sentimentality and pretension.What I liked best of all was the honesty in the writing and the sense that however hopeless and conflicted we might feel, there is always a way forward even in the saddest and most unbearable situations.

[Kim Frijters · Rating 3 out of 5]

Sylvia heeft terminale kanker en ze last voor haar man Paul een handleiding achter.
Zodat hij na haar dood weet wat er in het huishouden moet gebeuren, hoe hij het beste met de kinderen kan omgaan en welke rol hij vanaf nu voor ze moet vervullen.
Maar ook beschrijft Sylvia haar liefde voor hem, hoe zij in het leven heeft gestaan, wat haar geheimen zijn en wat de kinderen voor haar hebben betekend.

Toen ik aan dit boek begon had ik verwacht dat ik de zakdoeken erbij moest houden. En het is ook absoluut een mooi verhaal.
Alleen zijn de personages, zowel Sylvia als Paul dusdanig afstandelijk dat er een grote afstand blijft bij het lezen.

Het is absoluut een boek dat je doet nadenken over het wat als en je stil laat staan bij de mooie dingen van het leven.