Talking Back to Purity Culture: Rediscovering Faithful Christian Sexuality

by Rachel Joy Welcher, Scott Sauls (Foreword), Sarah Zimmerman (Narrator)

It's time to talk back.

The generation born into evangelical purity culture has grown up, and many have started families of their own. But as time goes on, it's becoming more evident that many still struggle with purity culture's complicated legacy - its idolization of virginity, its mixed messages about modesty and lust, and its promise of a healthy marriage and great sex for those who follow the rules. In 'TALKING BACK TO PURITY CULTURE', Rachel Joy Welcher reviews the movement carefully, examining its teachings through the lens of Scripture. Compassionate, faithful, and wise, she charts a path forward for evangelicals in the ongoing debates about sexuality - one that rejects legalism and license alike, steering us back instead to the good news of Jesus. It's time to talk back to purity culture - and this audiobook is ready to jump-start the conversation.




RUNNING TIME => 6hrs. and 31mins.

©2020 Rachel Joy Welcher (P)2020 eChristian

Genres: Christian, Nonfiction, Faith, Christian Living, Theology, Sexuality, Christianity

Audible Audio

First published November 10, 2020

About the author

Rachel Joy Welcher is an author, poet, and acquisitions editor at Baker Books.

Reviews

[Bethany (Beautifully Bookish Bethany) · Rating 2 out of 5]

Talking Back to Purity Culture purports to offer a way of undoing the harm of purity culture in the American Evangelical church. In practice, while I think it gets a few things right, it ultimately just offers up a slightly repackaged version of the same thing we had in the 90's. Here's what I think Welcher gets right...

- Men are not sex machines, nor are they unable to demonstrate self-control or put on the brakes once things get going. Treating them as such is dehumanizing and also offers an easy excuse for violations of consent.
- Women are not responsible for male lust.
- Men and women should be able to interact in healthy ways as friends.
- Sexual assault and abuse are not the fault of the victim and a focus on the importance of saving your firsts can be harmful to survivors of those things.
- The church isn't good at caring for late in life singles
- The church isn't good at having space and compassion for couples dealing with infertility
- Bathsheba was a rape victim, not a seductress
- LGBT people exist

However, she also offers the following takes:

- Sex is only meant to be within a heterosexual marriage
- Absence of sexual desire/asexuality is mentioned in the context of "sexual brokenness"
- Modesty is still important (if culturally determined to a certain extent) and it is sinful to dress with the intent to attract sexual interest from someone.
- "same-sex attracted" people are meant to be celibate and their attraction is treated as temptation to sin
- When talking about infertility: sex and marriage are not just for reproduction and they are important and valid without it BUT when talking about LGBT folks: only heterosexual sex and marriage can potentially produce life and that's really important to God therefore no gay marriage! (Not only does this lack nuance, but you also can't have it both ways)
- Masturbation and doing more than kissing are PROBABLY sinful, but maybe not in all cases for everyone.
- Your thoughts can be sinful (i.e. author was a virgin but "an adulterer in my heart"), so the bar for "purity" is set at an even more impossible standard
- "Sexual gratification is not necessary for sexual wholeness"
- Compares having consensual sex with a long term boyfriend after praying about it to Paul addressing a person sleeping with their mother-in-law (one of these is not like the other...)
- Admits many modern theologians disagree with her, but is fine with being counted among unpopular "stick in the mud" types regardless

Now, if you are still part of the evangelical church and buy into this ethic of sexuality, all of that might seem fine to you. But if you came here looking for something significantly different from the old purity culture, it's clear this isn't where you are going to find it. There are also a lot of places where things are treated as black and white when they are actually quite nuanced.

Welcher critiques things like hookup culture, porn, and self-centered sexuality, without acknowledging that there are plenty of reasons and ways to critique those things without reverting to puritanical ideas about sex. One example is that there have been people criticizing the porn industry for predatory practices and creating content that degrades and harms women. But rather than saying all porn is inherently bad, their solution has been to offer ethically produced, woman-led versions that mitigate that harm without demonizing sex workers as a whole. This is just one example of the middle ground between the critiques she makes and the relatively extreme conclusions she draws.

And while Welcher acknowledges the reality and harm of sex abuse, including from within the church, those portions often feel quite empty and lack substantive ideas on how to mitigate future abuse, or how to offer a trauma-informed response to the survivors of said abuse. There seems to be the assumption that 1. reading stories of survivors and 2. reporting things to the authorities will be enough to solve what is a systemic problem rooted partly in misogyny propped up by harmful theology. This doesn't go nearly far enough.

One final thought- towards the end of the book Welcher says "How we want our children to live sexually is what we really believe about sexual purity." She clearly assumes most parents will realize they want their kids to be conservative and wait for marriage. As a parent of two children myself I can tell you that is not necessarily what I want for them. I want them to take sex seriously. Take seriously the importance of enthusiastic consent, respect, and communication. To not objectify others but to view them as whole people, and that their partners would treat them the same way. To not feel guilt or shame about their attractions or desires, but to be aware of how their choices will impact themselves and others and how their brain development impacts their impulsivity, and then thoughtfully make choices based on those factors. I would prefer they delay sexual encounters until they are adults in loving relationships, but I care a lot more about HOW they engage with their sexuality than whether it's before or after marriage. And I would welcome partners of any gender that they might care for.

Is this a specifically Christian ethic of sexuality? Not necessarily, but I do think it can be. It fits within an ethic of loving your neighbor as yourself and truly does push back against the harm that purity culture has done.

[Matthew Manchester · Rating 4 out of 5]

This is a sex book.

SUMMARY

This is not a sex book.

Rather, it's a sexuality book.

Welcher writes after reading multiple purity culture books from the 90s/early-2000s and interviewing a host of people involved in that movement. In some ways, it reminded me of The Whole Christ: Legalism, Antinomianism, and Gospel Assurance—Why the Marrow Controversy Still Matters where the church has fallen into legalism yet knowing that licentiousness is not the answer either.

In so many ways, I am the target audience for this book. I grew up deeply within the purity culture movement and it has defined my life to a degree. I've wanted a book like this: one that not only addressed flawed thinking in my mind but also helped me parent in this area better than I was.

THE GOOD

Welcher demolishes purity culture rhetoric. She also consistently reminds you what the real problem is:

"So many of us walked right past the gospel on our way to a purity conference. Our parents and youth leaders were so concerned about our budding sexuality, scrambling for direction and wisdom, that some of us ended up signing abstinence pledges before falling on our knees in repentance. We wore purity rings as badges of honor, forgetting that it is Jesus who cleanses us from all unrighteousness."

Her chapters on "Female Responsibilities" and "Male Purity and the Rhetoric of Lust" are her best chapters in my opinion, though every single chapter slaps. I highlighted a good portion of this book.

Most will particularly applaud her chapter "Problems with the Promise of Sex" where she takes a look at what the purity culture movement have done to discourage those who are divorced, barren, or same-sex attracted. She writes so carefully, yet boldly, that it's such a winsome chapter.

Let me post some of my favorite quotes:

"It also reveals an issue with our functional theology: if we truly believe in the Imago Dei—that all people are created in the image of God—then we must recognize that what some brush off as “boys being boys” is actually a perpetuation of abuse that insults the image of God."

"The idea that we need to offer non-virgins some sort of symbolic “second virginity” reinforces our misunderstanding of where purity comes from."

"How we want our children to live, sexually, is what we really believe about sexual purity."

"Jesus himself was single: would we relegate him to the kids’ table, forcing him to sit on a too small plastic chair? Singles do not belong at the margins of our churches. No one does."

"I may have been a virgin when I got married, but I was also an adulterer."

"Teachings about the moral superiority and responsibility of women place a burden on them that Scripture does not. The rhetoric reduces women to their sexual function, instead of depicting them the way Scripture does, as image bearers of God and coheirs of the kingdom. [...] Such “empowerment” leaves women feeling defeated and guilty, rather than valued by the church and strengthened in Christ."

"And in the same way wearing a purity ring does not guarantee virginity, virginity doesn’t guarantee purity."

Also, this book doesn't go for the easy answers. There's lament found on these pages.

And can I take a moment and praise the last paragraph of every chapter. Welcher is a pro at summarizing her thoughts at the end. They were so good, I noticed how good they consistently were. In my reading experience, that's a rare thing.

THE CHALLENGES

I should give a trigger warning for those who have been abused, particularly in conjunction with the purity movement. There's a chapter that focuses on abuse and Welcher doesn't shy away. Also, due to my own issues, I didn't find the chapter as comforting as some women might, but Welcher does make mention on male survivors and that helped.

Also, Welcher is direct in this book. Loving, but direct. I'm grateful that she speaks very plainly about sex and sexuality, but it's gonna feel awkward for us purity culture kids. :-)

The only other challenge I had was regarding parenting advice. Welcher states that she's not a parent at the time of writing this book. However, her work with teaching really shines through where there is little parental experience. It still makes me want a sequel in 15 years if she becomes a parent. (*insert Boy Meets Girl: Say Hello to Courtship joke here*)

CONCLUSION

It is my hope that every person/parent reads this book. I know that I'm freaking out since my kids are at "that age" but the gospel encouragement Welcher writes reminds me that purity isn't the goal, Jesus is.

It has encouraged me out of the same mindset that formed me.

4.5 stars, rounded down.

[Raymond · Rating 4 out of 5]

Rachel Joy Welcher has written a powerful new book about purity culture; what it is, what it did to a generation, and how to respond to it. Purity culture is a Christian movement that took place beginning in the late 20th Century and has extended into the 21st Century. It was a direct response to the sexual revolution and the AIDS epidemic, its main goal was to promote a form of Christian ethics that taught sex should be saved only for marriage. Purity books, rings, and pledges were all a part of promoting this culture. As time has passed, some Christians have started to reevaluate purity culture’s teachings because many young people who grew up in it, have either developed a sense of shame because of it, or have realized that some of the promises of purity culture were not fulfilled. Welcher addresses all of this and more in her book.

The strongest parts of Welcher’s book is when she focuses on the harmful effects purity culture has on women and men. For women, they were taught that they had the power to control male sexual urges and could do it by dressing modestly. In essence, purity culture caused women to think they were responsible for male purity. Women were also blamed for their husband’s indiscretions if he cheated. Men, on the other hand, were taught to control their sexual urges and to basically avoid women so they aren’t tempted. Welcher argues that these teachings were wrong and explains why.

Welcher also addresses the flaws in purity culture. Some include that purity culture makes virginity an idol and that purity is seen as a stage in life rather than a lifelong process. Purity makes promises that may not occur such as marriage, sex, and children; some people never get married, remain celibate, or are infertile. Welcher argues that purity culture as it exists does not address those types of people. The author does a good job at explaining how the Church can be there for those who fit in those categories.

In sum, the book contains powerful quotes from people Welcher interviewed which I believe helps centers her arguments in each chapter. Each chapter ends with discussion questions and activities, which are great. Her book could definitely lead to fruitful discussions in Bible studies or church book clubs.

Overall, Welcher’s book is clear, full of wisdom, and very well written. There were parts where I disagreed with the author but as a whole I think it is a good contribution to the ongoing debate on purity culture.

Thanks to NetGalley, InterVarsity Press, and Rachel J. Welcher for a free ARC copy in exchange for an honest review. This book will be released on November 10, 2020.

Review first published on Ballasts for the Mind: https://medium.com/ballasts-for-the-m...

[E.M. Welcher · Rating 5 out of 5]

Meticulously researched, saturated with the Scriptures, written with grace & courage, this is a towering achievement, indeed, the definitive work on “Purity Culture”.

[Reads With Rachel · Rating 1 out of 5]

VIDEO RANT REVIEW: https://youtu.be/wnwyjtXD7Hw
Til then, here’s my summary:
Alternate title: Purity Culture, now with 50% passive aggression!

If this author said “same sex attracted” one more time I was goi g to reach into the book, pull her out, and make her write me a check for my next therapy session.

This was so painful to read. This is not loving theology. This is insidious and I am exhausted by it.

[Josiah DeGraaf · Rating 4 out of 5]

I'm pretty sure I was already on the same page as Welcher for all the issues she was talking about, so I don't know how much this book really changed my perspective. But it was nice to see someone else arguing for many of the conclusions I've slowly been coming to myself over the past 5-6 years, and she puts it rather well. Her sections on the value of singleness and the people that purity culture has marginalized were particularly well put on both fronts.

In terms of which sections I learned the most from, that would probably be the first several chapters where she outlined some of the different things that major players within the "purity culture" circle taught. And... yikes. I knew some stuff already, but there was some rather shocking things that influential people were willing to say and argue. I've been reading critiques of purity culture over the past decade, and I was still surprised by some of the things Welcher highlighted that were hidden in popular books.

In-all, while this book was preaching to the choir a bit for me, this is a solid book that helpfully critiques the unhealthy aspects of purity culture while still upholding a biblical Christian ethic.

Rating: 3.5-4 Stars (Good).

[Amy · Rating 4 out of 5]

I admit, my reaction when picking this one up was along the lines of: "Oh, another one. Well, what have you got to say for yourself?"
And I wasn't disappointed.
This is, admittedly, another book highlighting the many ways purity culture got it wrong. It touches on a variety of hurts and hang-ups that came with purity rings and I Kissed Dating Goodbye fangirls. But it also takes a stab at many of the marginalized or ignored by purity culture, like those with same sex attraction and the sexually abused. I liked it much better than Courtship in Crisis: The Case for Traditional Dating, though that book spoke more specifically to my experience.
This book also had several word pictures and quotes that I paused to read to my roommates because they summed things up so well or made me think about things in a new way. (For example, her chapter on Bathsheba as a sexual assault victim was really thought-provoking.)
I also appreciate this book because it delivers a grace filled message while also casting a vision and a warning for what comes next. It engages with how purity culture got mixed up with prosperity gospel. And while it doesn't ignore Biblical truths, it warns against going too far in the other direction.
If this wasn't a 5 star read for me, I'd point more towards the fact that I've grown (and read!) a lot on this subject and I didn't find what she had to say echoed with me like it once would have. Perhaps I've simply moved on. But if you want a one-stop shop for a broad critique of purity culture that also recognizes what it was aiming for, I'd recommend this one.

[Megan Caillouet · Rating 2 out of 5]

2.5 - 2.75 stars - I want to start off this review by noting that 80% of this book is the author using quotes from other authors’ books. With that being said, I think there was a better way this book could’ve been outlined in regards to using quotes because it gets confusing trying to remember what author wrote what. I didn’t find this book to be very cohesive.

The first half of the book seemed fine, but then the author (maybe unknowingly?) starts to side with the original argument of purity culture, but just picks and chooses what she wants to go with.

I also did not like that Welcher said she felt empathy for the way the LGBTQ+ community is treated in purity culture, but further drives the narrative by referring to them as “same-sex attracted” and that they are “just living in a struggle that they need to fight to get out of”. This language is anything but empathetic.

TL;DR: This entire book can be summarized as Welcher’s reviews of original purity culture books that she pick and chose what parts she liked and didn’t like.

[Pamela Nicolls · Rating 5 out of 5]

I just finished this book in about 7 hours. If you were involved in the purity movement in the 90s and 2000 like my children or the church's view of marriage roles during that time, this book is an excellent Biblical thought provoking book that shows how the churches made an idol of sexual purity instead of directing Christians to develop a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ, who loves them unconditionally and who will guide them in all truth to navigate through this issue. I found personal healing for me in the truth shared here. A much needed book.

[Ruth · Rating 5 out of 5]

The Purity Culture movement dominated discussions in my youth. I became disenchanted years ago not with holding a Christian sex ethic but with the way Purity Culture had shaped faithful obedience into something beyond Scripture. Welcher pulls back the veil on the false promises and points us to a better way.

[Panda Incognito · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book involves so many loaded topics that it is hard for me to know where to begin. Thus, I have immense respect for Rachel Joy Welcher, who took on the challenge of writing it. Throughout this book, she provides an orthodox perspective on purity culture, addressing its unbiblical promises and demands without discarding Scripture in the process. Unlike other books about the purity movement, which focus on religious deconstruction and reject Christianity, this book reevaluates purity culture through an orthodox lens, asking where Christians can go from here. Welcher separates biblical teaching from human-constructed legalism, and encourages her readers to be willing to reevaluate their beliefs.

Evaluating the Fallout

At the beginning of the book, Welcher provides a history of the movement from the late 1990s to the present, quoting from popular books that shaped many young Christian’s views of sexuality and their faith. In response to these books, she cites published resources and shares personal stories that show the damage and fallout from these beliefs. Some of these stories come from her own life, others are from personal conversations, and still more come from official interviews. In the following chapters, she addresses how purity culture held out heterosexual marriage and children as a guaranteed reward for chaste behavior without acknowledging the realities of long-term singleness, same-sex attraction, divorce, marital frustrations, and infertility.

Welcher also provides a complex analysis of how badly Christian culture addressed sexual abuse during this era. Only the worst resources actively blamed victims for inviting their trauma, but others sent mixed messages or avoided the topic. Welcher challenges Christians to keep sexual abuse victims in mind when they talk about sexuality, because even though writers and speakers have often treated abuse experiences as an anomaly, they are heartrendingly common. In my opinion, this is one of the strongest parts of the book, because she addresses the topic in great depth, with reference to a variety of different situations and experiences. There are other topics that she can only address in passing because of the book’s limited scope, but because she previously did academic research on this topic, she was able to address this with the depth and nuance that the topic deserves.

Looking to the Future

Welcher writes with great humility, leaving room for all the research, analysis, and understanding that is yet to come. She also maintains a gracious tone towards others, and because many books about the church’s failings are abrasive and condemning, I admire her ability to write about so many challenging topics with grace, compassion, and empathy for everyone involved. This book is not just for people who feel victimized by purity culture, but is also for those who promoted it, and those who still hold some of these beliefs. Welcher calls Christians to reevaluate their approach to understanding sexuality, and even though she is not yet a parent, her experience working with youth gives her credibility, especially in the chapter about how parents can pursue ongoing, nuanced conversations about sexuality with their children.

She also encourages adult Christians to talk about sexuality with each other, and supports this by providing discussion questions and group activity ideas at the end of each chapter. It never would have occurred to me to view this as a reading group recommendation, but I agree that challenging topics like this should not stay within the realm of private reading, and need to spill over into conversations and relationships within the church. I appreciate the thought, effort, and care that Welcher invested into writing this book, and even though it cannot possibly cover every person’s experience or concern, the discussion questions give readers a chance to build on this in their own conversations. This is a solid, orthodox guide to reevaluating purity culture and seeking a better path forward.

I received a free ARC from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.

[Ana Avila · Rating 5 out of 5]

Much needed conversation. This book is balanced, compassionate, self-aware, honest, filled with truth and gospel. Can’t wait for a Spanish translation!

[Summer · Rating 4 out of 5]

At the recommendation of Nancy Kelly's recommended reads for the year, I picked this up and I found it really great to think on.

Before reading this, I had not realized how pervasive purity culture was in general in the Christian community. I see now that aspects of it made it's way into my church and now some things and ideas going around when I was a teenager make much more sense. I appreciated Welcher going through the things that were taught. I found them both appalling and some of them, I had heard out of the lips of friends or adults, thankfully not from my parents, but the ideas were culturally based, not Biblically based. And therein lies the main problem. Ideas have consequences.

I appreciated her recognizing the nuances in sexuality, yet staying firm to what the Bible in fact does teach and says about how God designed sex. It seems this is a journey through what was taught, what shouldn't have been, the problems caused by that and how to move forward with humilty. The honesty with hard subjects is refreshing, and I'm thankful this book is out for that reason. It wasn't anything new that I had not in my own searching and praying had already came to. It will be a helpful resource in the future to discuss these things with our children. I loved how she centered all of this on, not what you had kept yourself from, what you had done sexually, but that your end goal should not be on the dos and don'ts but on the condition and purity of your heart before God, regardless of victories or failures.

Finally, I loved the discussion on how this purity culture left no room for the widows, divorces, singles, SSA adults and the infertile within the church, when the end goal preached was to be married and then Voila! have the perfect nuclear family. What are these folks then left with in the Kingdom of God? And that at the end of the day, this culture, the way it was taught was a part of the prosperity gospel that just doesn't add up. It was a good reminder: purity in heart before God has to be the end goal, with or without sex, and not a list of dos and don'ts.

[Mr. Perry · Rating 5 out of 5]

While I was growing up in my small, best-described-as "black independent fundamental Baptist" church that in a few respects kept me out of the loop as to what was happing in the greater American church, evangelicalism at large was going through what is generally referred to as "purity culture": in a (well intended) effort to encourage a sexually-pure lifestyle for Christians, the church essentially morphed its' arguments for said position to what can only amount to a prosperity gospel, covered in WWJD bracelets, purity rings, vows of celibacy before marriage...only to lead to inevitable burnout when in His providence, marriage didn't come your way. You weren't "chose". Or some other deviation from that intended goal you were supposed to reach somewhere (preferably) in your early 20s because #youth , right?

...marriage - yeah, the idolization of that... ([glares at the Reformation] Oh, how did the pendulum swing...)

With the aforementioned issue as its' premise, here we have a book that articulates well the varying ways in which those efforts have left a void in the evangelical body of Christ that - one might argue "needs to be addressed", but I believe she and others might also say "is being addressed in some unbiblical ways" as well. For example, the "church" states its' position on no sex before marriage - but what if marriage isn't in God's plan for you (or that ends up playing out much later that one might prefer?). Depending on how one arrives to that point (both in His providence, but by there being no legitimate options for a spouse, same-sex issues, etc) there are a few options for reactions "the body" can give. One reaction is largely of silence - not addressing that person at all from a church community standpoint. Bad, right? Another is acting as if they or their particular place in life is of no real importance, so some form of lip service is paid but it is more of the "feel sorry for" attention instead of aiming to foster substantive community with those individuals. Also bad, right? And then there's the (in the case of a situation where acting on one's attraction would be sinful according to Scripture) catering to said desires - definitely bad, right?

The church can (and should!) do better in addressing people in those places in life. Marriage is not the goal of a chaste life for the Christian - God's glory is (during whatever season of life you happen to be in), and if we change our focus from the marriage idolization to something much more holistic and substantive...and Scriptural, the argument is that the body of Christ would be much better for it.

This book is a thoroughly researched and engagingly written commentary on this premise, and I (currently as a single black man in a mostly-white evangelical [Presbyterian] church) found myself agreeing and resonating with it on multiple levels.

Highly recommended.

[Elizabeth · Rating 5 out of 5]

“It is not earthly marriage but the marriage supper of the Lamb that we are promised. It is adoption as sons and daughters that we receive, not because we stayed sexually pure or dressed modestly but because Jesus spilled his blood for our sins. Whatever our relationship status on earth, Christians can stand firm in their identity as children of the living God and as the church, his body, and his bride.”

This is the book I have been waiting for. Rachel Joy Welcher wrestles with some of the problematic aspects of how the church has addressed gender and sexuality in the last few decades. She identifies ways that Christians have failed and even harmed the people in the church’s care, while boldly pointing to God’s teaching in the Bible as the only path to true freedom and flourishing. She is fair in the way she explores and assesses the popular books she critiques. Most importantly, she points beyond the confusion to the gospel of Jesus Christ as our one sure hope.

[Ashton Bond · Rating 4 out of 5]

This book was difficult to read. Many topics have been engrained in me because of purity culture so going against what I’ve learned has been challenging. Ultimately, it brought up great conversations between my spouse and I about how we were both raised.

[Ashley Hoss · Rating 5 out of 5]

Before I get into this review, I do want to give a disclaimer. If you’re familiar with the book at all, this would come as no surprise to you, but I will be talking a lot about sex during this review, so if you have children that sometimes look over your shoulder while you read, I highly recommend setting this review aside to read during nap time. In addition to sex, there would be brief references to sexual assault. The language won’t be explicit, so if you are a sexual assault survivor, it shouldn’t be triggering for you, but if it could, I’d like to encourage you to skip this review. 

If you grew up in the late 90s and 2000s like me, you probably read books like I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Joshua Harris or For Young Women Only by Shaunti Feldhan and Lisa Rice or honestly any of the books by Hayley DiMarco (I was legit obsessed). Younger Gen X and Millennial Christians took part in this massive cultural phenomenon fighting against the sexual promiscuity of our parents’ generation, but many would argue that it wasn’t just ineffective, it was also harmful. Enter in Talking Back to Purity Culture (TBPC) by Rachel Joy Welcher.

In TBPC, Rachel revisits the teachings in books and conferences, holds them against scripture, and examines their impact, while pointing to a healthier Christian view on sexuality. For the purposes of this book, I would define purity culture as “a movement in the 1990s and early 2000s characterized by teens making pledges to abstain from sex until marriage, a high view of virginity as purity, a view that women were morally responsible for helping men resist lust, and an overemphasis on parental involved dating or courtship.” Now, I know you may be thinking, “wait a minute, isn’t abstinence good?” To which I say, absolutely! But in this book, Rachel’s focus isn’t thinking about abstinence, but rather how we think and teach about abstinence. On page 21, she makes it a point to say:

If I ever have children, I will teach them what the Bible says about sex, that it was created by God to be an act of unifying self-giving within the marriage covenant between one man and one woman. I will teach them that, in marriage, sex is a God honoring good, but that extramarrital sex is a sin against a holy and loving Father. But I will not tell them that virginity makes them pure. … Virginity means only that an individual has never decided to or been forced to have sexual intercourse with another person. It is not a badge of holiness, a sign of sexual purity, or a ticket to heaven. The term “technical virginity” exists because of how inventive we are when it comes to finding sexual activities outside of sexual intercourse.

Rachel also makes it a point to show how shallow purity culture views purity because it limits purity to virginity, thus making it a temporal concern. On page 27, she expounds:

Purity culture’s obsession with virginity obscures the fact that our call to sexual purity is lifelong. Adolescents are encouraged that if they just hold out for a little while, they will soon get married and be able to unleash all of their sexual energy on another person. Not only does this dehumanize image bearers of God by painting them as nothing more than sexual outlets, it depicts the pursuit of purity as a season in life rather than a lifelong calling.

This low view of purity also neglects the ways we sin in non physical ways, our hearts can be drawn to lust and pornography even though we never physically do anything with anyone but our spouses. Unfortunately, these things also set us up for unrealistic expectations from life, as well, either by assuming that everyone will get married young (it’s well document in many studies that millennials are getting married later in life than any other generation before) and from those marriages, people who have never had sex before will somehow magically know how to have a great sex life. Yet, those of us in here who are not virgins can definitely attest to the fact that the first times are often painful and uncomfortable while you’re trying to figure out what you’re doing.

Even beyond that, the real damage from this view of purity comes from a theological pitfall that Rachel outlines on page 29:

Too often our elevation of virginity neglects the true source of our purity. The idea that we need to offer nonvirgins some sort of symbolic “second virginity” reinforces our misunderstanding of where purity comes from. We have been made new, washed clean “with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect” (1 Peter 1:19). Virginity does not provide our purity. Jesus does.

From there, Rachel looks at how purity culture has specifically harmed women. This is something that has often been addressed on the Theology Gals podcast, but there’s many who believe that women are less sexual than men or have a lower drive and not only is that often not true, but that view also ends up neglecting the fact that women have body parts that serve no function besides sexual pleasure. Scripture can also attest to the fact that women are sexual beings in numerous places, including (but not limited to) Song of Songs. This view also ends up being intellectually inconsistent because women are often seen as sexual temptresses. How can someone be a temptress, yet not sexual?

Purity culture can also play into insecurities women face surrounding their bodies. There’s often shame for being too fat, too thin, having too big breasts, having very small breasts, body hair, whether or not you want to wear makeup. Women are simultaneously given the message that they need to “paint the barn,” but also not wear too much makeup, at the risk of looking like a whore and thus tempting men to sin. But women are more than their sexuality. They are image bearers of the living God.

Unfortunately, women are not the only ones negatively affected by purity culture. While women are taught this view that men are obsessed with sex and may even want it more than they want emotional intimacy, men are taught that they are animals and degraded as those with no self control. Because men are seen as lacking in self control, it further reinforces the view that women are a threat to men and creates a semi antagonistic view between the sexes. I’ll never forget a friend of mine pointing out that Mother’s Day sermons are often encouraging women that they’re valuable, while Father’s Day sermons are often “men do better” and him telling me how deflating it was to hear that all the time.

One of the things that I appreciated the most about TBPC is that Rachel also took the time to address often overlooked groups of people in the conversations surrounding purity. As noted on page 67, “in purity culture, there are 3 promises for those who practice abstinence: marriage, sex, and children,” but what happens if you don’t get any of those things? For those who are long term singles, infertile, or those who struggle with same sex attraction and want to live a godly lifestyle, those things may not be part of their future. To the single person, infertile couple, and SSA person, Rachel approaches these topics each with grace and compassion rooted in scripture. One of my favorite parts was her reminder that Jesus lived his whole life without having sex, so we are able to have a full life without those things, even though we may long for them. She also points out on page 73:

We create opportunities to be disappointed with God when we put our hope in things he never promised. Jesus did not die so that Christians could live out their own Nicholas Sparks novel. He died to set us free from slavery to sin, to make us new, and draw us into the kingdom of God forever. It is not earthly marriage, but the marriage supper of the Lamb that we are promised. It is adoption as sons and daughters that we receive, not because we stayed sexually pure or dressed modestly, but because Jesus spilled blood for our sins. Whatever our relationship status on earth, Christians can stand firm in their identity as children of the living God and as the church, his body, and his bride.

Rachel next addresses how unrealistic expectations towards sex can be harmful in marriage, detailing a few stories from people who had very painful initial experiences that I will spare you. Though, I will share that she had very insightful points made about the idolatry of sex in both American culture and the American church. She also pointed to the fact that purity culture has often absorbed the prosperity gospel in its reasonings surrounding sex. If you do xyz thing and have enough faith, God will give you what you want, which as we all know, does not happen in any meaningful way.

By far, the hardest part to read was the chapter on sexual abuse (chapter 7). When virginity is idolized and that is taken away from you, it can feel like you are less valuable to a future spouse, regardless of whether or not that is true. I found it comforting on page 110 when Rachel wrote:

Being sinned against sexually is devastating and life-altering. And the shame of what has been done to our bodies attempts to block our view of the cross. But our worth remains intact. No matter what has been done to us, or what we have done to others, we are never less than image bearers of the holy God. Any message that downplays this truth is worth challenging. The belief that all people are created in the image of God - the imago dei - is a theology worth fighting for.

In writing about rape culture (the idea that if someone was raped, they should have defended themselves better or should have dressed and behaved less provocatively), Rachel fights the ways scripture is misused to blame victims of sexual assault for their assault. She also gives a look at how we can see sexual assault in scripture and know that God cares for those who have been victims of assault.

While Rachel spent a considerable amount of time in the book critiquing purity culture, she did also give some space to critique the overcorrections from purity culture, specifically ones that became very permissive towards sexual behavior. Rachel is also very clear about sin, saying on page 135:

There is forgiveness at the cross for every sin. And we can grow from our mistakes, learn from our failures, and even look back with thankfulness at the times when God showed mercy to us, despite our disobedience. But when we start calling “holy” what God calls sinful, we have ceased to honor him. We have misunderstood what holiness means.

At the end of the book, Rachel shifts to look at how to speak to your children about purity. She recognizes that “the Christian pursuit of purity is biblical, but it must flow out of a recognition that it is Jesus that makes us pure” (page 137). She also points out that “if we want to sin, we will find a way” and “this doesn’t mean that the rules are wrong” or that there shouldn’t be rules (page 165). I also appreciated her encouragement to stop trying to make abstinence sexy on page 179:

Purity culture’s main problem is not that it is too conservative, but that it is too worldly. Sex is not about self and abstinence is anything but sexy. Dressing it up as such is not only confusing, it’s discouraging. When our children realize that pursuing purity is incredibly difficult, they will wonder why we didn’t prepare them. Sometimes we think God needs to dangle carrots in front of people in order to make his message palatable, when he called us to preach a gospel of foolishness to those who are perishing, a message so offensive to our pride that we must either reject the Son or fall at his feet.

Rachel finishes by ultimately pointing to the importance of having conversations about sexual purity instead of just reading books about it. She also encourages us to not talk about purity apart from the gospel and scripture.

TBPC was such a breath of fresh air. It was very gospel centered and clear. Rachel brings data with a lot of the assertions she makes. I love the encouragement to experience this book in community. She goes beyond the typical appeals to abstinence to really look at purity in Christ.

One thing that sets TBPC apart from other books examining purity culture is that Rachel didn’t set out to redefine scripture’s views on sexuality. I think this is part of the reason that most of the more negative reviews of this book have called it a repackaging of purity culture. Rachel’s dedication to scripture transcends culture and that makes her voice very valuable in the conversation. So this one gets 5 stars out of 5 from me!

Oh, Rachel was also featured on the TG podcast to talk about this book and I’ll link that for you here!
Podcast: https://bit.ly/3tYNm9I

[Kendall Davis · Rating 4 out of 5]

Welcher gives an excellent introduction and theological critique of the purity culture movement. Her reliance on actual stories and experiences from a variety of people makes this about real flesh-and-blood people and not mere abstract ideas. She provides a helpful and thorough summary and overview of many of the major and formative works in this movement. This makes her analysis based on what people in this movement actually said and published in writing. It was also helpful to me as someone who did not grow up with any of this literature and who is therefore unfamiliar with much of it. I especially appreciated how she highlighted the experience and perspective of gay/same-sex attracted Christians committed to an orthodox sexual ethic, the sexually abused, and others. Welcher helpfully challenged me to understand how the perspective of these fellow brothers and sisters in the faith should affect all ares of sexual ethics. They are not to be relegated to their own topic as if their perspective and voice did not matter. Welcher is also consistently committed to maintaining an orthodox and scriptural ethic on sexuality. She seeks to put forth a vision of sexuality that does not compromise on what is Christian and scriptural in the slightest yet is sensitive, nuanced, and compassionate. She engages well with alternative progressive visions of sexuality that advocate libertinism. I found her critiques to be respectful and helpful for building up her own argument. I'd strongly recommend this book to anyone wanting a thoughtful, faithful, and compassionate overview of this topic.

My quibbles are minimal and are likely to be more a result of my own fastidiousness than deficiencies in Welcher's work. In discussing the way that purity culture affects men and women, Welcher focuses far more on the female perspective and experience over against the male perspective and experience. Of course Welcher is herself a female. I don't expect her to understand the male experience equally well as the female! However, while she has a chapter devoted to women and purity culture and then one on men and purity culture, her chapter on women is about twice as long and surveys twice as much material. I found that even when she did discuss purity culture and men, she seemed to still be primarily interested in how the messages purity culture sent to men affect women. I don't recall her claiming outright that she believes that purity culture affects women more than women (which one could argue) or that she was going to choose to focus on women (which she does do in her chapter on sexual abuse). I would've appreciated more balance or at least an explanation of the obvious lack of balance.

This is very nitpicky, but I found her insistence that God is the goal of our purity to be less than helpful. She is absolutely right to point out how purity culture makes the goal of sexuality the service of the self and understands marriage to be the only real or good sexual endpoint for the person. However, I don't believe that God is in need of our sexual purity because God needs nothing. God certainly desires that we live a sexually pure life, but strictly speaking our sexual purity is in service of our neighbor, as are all of our good works. I believe that this is largely a function of our different theological perspectives, but I do believe that framing the issue in this way is unhelpful.

Again, I can't emphasize enough how much I appreciated this book and am so grateful for Welcher's faithful and compassionate witness. Christians would do well to heed her analysis and admonitions. I would love to see churches embrace Welcher's vision for a gospel-centered approach to sexual ethics lived under the cross and resurrection.

[Melody Schwarting · Rating 4 out of 5]

In my reading about purity culture, Talking Back to Purity Culture has felt like the most constructive offering so far. Welcher actually offers an alternate route instead of dismantling and leaving her readers with the pieces. I especially appreciated her intentional inclusion of single Christians (widowed, divorced, and never married), and infertility. She discusses several famous purity culture books at length, including books by Joshua Harris, Dannah Gresh, Shaunti Feldhahn, and John Eldredge.

Once more, I was on the lookout for an application of 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8, but it was absent, so I'll quote it here:

"It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong or take advantage of a brother or sister. The Lord will punish all those who commit such sins, as we told you and warned you before. For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life. Therefore, anyone who rejects this instruction does not reject a human being but God, the very God who gives you his Holy Spirit."
1 Thessalonians 4:3-8 NIV

Welcher discussed Bathsheba, rape culture, and sexual abuse in Talking Back, and I know this passage would have substantially supported her claims.

The brief section on LGBT matters was wanting. It was a part of the chapter on singleness and infertility (these three should have gotten individual chapters). Compared to the other sections, I felt like Welcher listened less here, and didn't use the space to share what she learned from interviews (only one was cited). When she listed Christian writers on this topic (Henri Nouwen, Rosaria Champagne Butterfield, Jackie Hill Perry, and Wesley Hill), it felt like a cop-out: "listen to these people so I don't have to talk about it." She doesn't even quote them or name book titles. This section got 6.5 pages, while singleness got about 5 pages and infertility around 5.5 pages. However, singleness is part of Welcher's own personal story (she was divorced by her husband of 4 years when he walked away from Christianity) so it regularly comes up elsewhere in the book. I also somewhat resented her use of "same sex attraction," since that term is literally only used in Christian circles and often isn't self-selected by Christians who follow a historic Christian sexual ethic without "praying the gay away." In my imaginary extra chapter on this topic in Talking Back, there would be a solid discussion of labels and terminology surrounding sexuality. Occasionally, she refers to her casual Twitter research related to topics in her book, and this section was screaming for the same treatment.

Recommended for folks like me, who reject the legalism and extrabiblical teachings of purity culture, but who do adhere to a nuanced, historical Christian sexual ethic. Welcher is by no means progressive in her Christianity, but she's not a Bible-thumping bigot either. (Though I wish she'd thumped 1 Thessalonians 4:3-8.) I was reminded of many things I liked in Beth Felker Jones's Faithful: A Theology of Sex.

[Jodi · Rating 3 out of 5]

2023 update: I had a nagging in the back of my mind when I finished this book and reflecting upon it now, I know that it was how the author didn't give a better vision for the future. She basically repackaged purity culture in a "kinder, gentler" approach that ultimately will end up with the same results as the original. Unfortunately, shame is still the central feature of it all at the end.

I'm 39, so I was the exact target demographic as the purity movement emerged and gained footing. I still struggle to this day with believing that God's love for me is dependent on me, what I do, how I think, etc... Some of it has to do with my personality and family of origin, but purity culture also played a part. I have a "promise ring" in my drawer that my parents gave me when I was a teenager, and I bought into all the rhetoric about chewed up gum, dirty water, marked up paper, and so on. I see so many people my age passing this rhetoric on to their children (I heard a mom last week say that they've always taught their children that clothing is the wrapping paper for your spouse to open someday and that they have to remind their 9 yr old daughter to be modest out of respect for her brothers?!). I have always used correct anatomical terms with my children because I'm a nurse and it just makes sense to me, but I've struggled with how to help them understand modesty without introducing shame, a la the mom I described above - I would never say that to my daughter because my sons know that their sister is not an object to lust after! I'm incredibly thankful for this book, as Rachel spends time discussing so many issues I have struggled to understand in recent years, as I have come out of the fog of what turns out was basically fundamentalism. A huge frustration to me is the evangelical idolization of marriage - I have never taught my children that marriage is definitely in their future or something they should expect. I also realize that I married incredibly young, partially motivated by the things I took away from purity culture, and I want to help my children understand that that's not something they need to feel pressured to do. I have a good marriage and a wonderful husband, but many of my friends who married young had many, many painful experiences that might have been avoided if we didn't have the "it's better to marry than to burn" mentality. I also appreciate the things Rachel shared to help cultivate healthy conversations and relationships with children. Overall, this book is worth reading even if you have never even heard of purity culture or experienced any of it, but for those of us who did and now see its flaws, get yourself a copy asap.

[Haley Baumeister · Rating 5 out of 5]

Admittedly, I've grown weary of most talk about purity culture. It's almost a buzzword that few take the time to flesh out — or counter with substantive, helpful alternatives. It's now seen as a shallow talking point. It's become a scapegoat for destructively swinging in the opposite direction. All of that has discouraged me. So, though I trusted Rachel to be a wise guide, I put off reading this one.

I'm so glad I chose to pick up this (audio)book. Rachel loves the church and loves the scriptures. She has no jaded and cynical takes, only a heart for seeing clearly what purtiy culture was and how that can be corrected with both scripture and the wisdom that comes from the Holy Spirit in us.

In this book I found a refreshingly kind, well researched, and practical antidote to the man-made claims of this movement. Sexuality is held up to the light for the good and complex gift it is — in the light of God's own words. I recommend this wholeheartedly. You'll be drawn to healing, clarity, and worship.

[Persis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rachel Welcher critiques what happens when purity is reduced to sexuality and driven by legalism, disconnected from the gospel. This is a must read for those burned by purity culture and parents who want to guide their kids. It's also for the entire church because much of the harm happens when this topic isn't discussed in light of the whole of scripture, grounded in the gospel, and within the context of Christian community. I hope to elaborate more in this review at some point.

Upon a reread, I still highly recommend the book. It would be helpful for pre and postmarital counseling, for singles, those dealing with infertility, and the same-sex attracted. IOW, the entire church so that we would be embodied image bearers who find our purity based on Christ.

[Katie · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was helpful to me by reframing and reevaluating what I grew up hearing through purity culture by replacing it with a more accurate picture of biblical truth - that God has already sealed our purity through Jesus's death and resurrection and our response should be to strive to live in a way that brings glory to God. I highly recommend this book to others as it does not hesitate to point out that we have gotten some important things wrong, while ultimately pointing us back to the Scripture, the Gospel, and God.

[Beckisue Knight · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was excellent. I so appreciated the author’s showing the harm of some of the teachings of Purity Culture without downplaying what the scripture has to say about true sexual purity.

[Joelle Lewis · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rachel makes a beautiful statement in this book, as she quotes a mom talking about how she tries to view all of her kids' conversations, and - I'm paraphrasing - but it's about bringing everything into the light of Jesus. Sin would like us to hide in the darkness, telling us that it is where it is safe, and comfortable. Rachel reminds us that the Light of the World, the Gospel, the Living Word, offers hope, grace, healing, and redemption. In His Light there is no more shame, no matter how hard admitting our sin will be - light is the safest place to be. I will always remember that. That light is safer than darkness.

Rachel doesn't slam the church; nor does she nitpick through books and point out the enormous flaws of the various authors. Rather, she loves the church, and she seeks to see the church united and strong in the Word of God, ministering to all the broken saints. She acknowledges that the authors were only human, and that they had good intentions, but they went awry. She frames the issue - purity culture - not as a whole church issue but rather as a subculture issue within the church that has distorted how we interpret the Bible. It is a refreshing take on the movement: one that argues for humility and unity within the Body while still showing the flaws of the subculture, and how to remove them.

She is comfortable using words like "sexuality" in their proper context; she is comfortable having frank discussions about masturbation without needing to seek permission. She is right that our children need to be taught that their bodies were created to be good, and ARE good. Our children do not need to be taught shame about their bodies at a young age; they should be taught how to honor God, themselves, and others.

She speaks of compassion those who have same sex attractions, a topic that the purity culture movement completely avoided. Or, if it did, treated as "get married and get cured." I happen to be in a situation in my own life where this "solution" has led to devastation and utter family rending.

She reminds us that sex is Godly and good, and as such should be MUTUALLY BENEFICIAL; it is not a right for one party only. It is NOT good if one party is suffering intense physical pain. It is also not a right promised to us simply because we exist; we might have to lead celibate lives. We might have issues with sexual intimacy in our married lives.

She restores dignity and respect to those who have suffered assault. Purity culture taught these victims that they were the reason for their own trauma; so often they were even blamed for ruining the lives of - in the majority of cases - "good men". For those who weren't directly influenced by purity culture, the wounds were still aggravated by the message like lemon juice. Rachel lovingly explains why, without having to go into titillating details, and sharing private details of those who should be believed simply because they are created in the image of God.

Light is healing. Light is restoring. Light is beautiful. And shining light into the deep recesses of the purity subculture will only bring more unity and more of the true message of the Gospel into our current lives, which our new generations so desperately need, as they navigate this world of ever increasing sexual awareness, sexual identity, and the church's place in it.

[Grace T · Rating 5 out of 5]

I would like to preface my thoughts with a few notes: first, I wouldn't say that growing up I was immersed in the full-fledged "purity culture" as Welcher described it, with the books and conferences and rings etc., although a number of the principles she described were familiar and are held as guidelines in my family and I have read one or two of the books she mentioned. Also, there are some issues I do not agree with her on, e.g. our standings on divorce and remarriage. But that aside, this was a very well-written book that took a balanced stance on the matter--recognising that the desire and motive behind the rise of a "purity culture" are important ones, while showing where that movement as such fell short and has harmed people in its wake.

In some parts, Welcher spoke to singleness struggles that I've grappled with and although her Scripturally grounded encouragements themselves were not new to me now, if I'd read them in high school or even early in college, they would have been. I don't know how much of this was around even five to seven years ago, but I am glad that it seems to be more and more available, and resources like this are definitely what I would want to share with my peers )or even with my own children someday if God should allow that). Welcher encourages that this book be read and discussed with a group, and I can see why.

The overarching message was one of hope that does not shy away from truth even when it is hard. Constantly Welcher returns to God's actual design for purity, for sex, for sexuality, and there is so much more hope when the focus is on God and His person and His desire for us as His children to reflect Him in everything we do, His empowerment to do so, and His forgiveness when we fail and repent and turn to Him again. On His holy love. And we may set boundaries, and behave in certain ways, and so on--but those are means, not the end, and they should not be the only means. God Himself, His Word, a loving and yielded relationship with Him, relationships with His imperfect people who are in His image--these are larger. Living in obedience will not be easy in this or any other area, but it matters, because of Who we are living for.

[Shantelle · Rating 4 out of 5]

I think this is a book worth reading and discussing! There were some great questions presented...things like:

Did purity culture promote virginity as the absolute best gift you can give your spouse? What about a heart and life surrendered to God?

Or Was purity culture a sort of prosperity gospel, promising a great marriage, amazing sex life, and fertility if only you'd "keep yourself pure"?

When did it become so big that virginity equals purity? None of us are pure apart from Christ. I would say we all have some form of sexual brokenness because we were born into sin!

I've read a lot of books that were probably part of the whole purity culture movement. I think most of them had some good things to say, and some not-so-helpful. Like most books! In some specific areas, I maybe felt Rachel Welcher was pushing too hard against some of these authors and practices of the church. But I think it can be beneficial to discuss these things with a group of mature, Bible-believing Christians and strive to seek the Lord's guiding together!

How are we going to talk to those we are discipling about sexuality and sexual integrity? How are we going to teach our children about God's design for sex? How are we going to love, encourage, and spur on our Church family in these things?

[Krystal · Rating 3 out of 5]

I do actually recommend this book because it provides an apt and useful critique of purity culture and can help readers make sense of the shame they may have been bestowed growing up with these messages. However, I fundamentally disagree with the author that there should be any purity culture “going forward.” She seems to suggest that we should simply revise purity culture a bit to alleviate some shame, but this would not dismantle the rhetorical situations that have been cultivated within the church. This book is a good first step. If you choose to read this book, I urge you to consider: Welcher suggests that the solution to shame from purity culture, as well as to our other problematic messages regarding sexuality, will be solved by “conversation in community” (part of the title of Chapter 1). Do you agree that this will solve the harms and shaming messages form purity culture? If so, why, and how do we go about implementing this? If not, why not, and what other solutions might we implement instead? Furthermore, because purity culture is widespread, what methods beyond individual conversation may be required?

[Aimee · Rating 5 out of 5]

Rachel Joy Welcher writes with grace and humility as she addresses the effects of Christian purity culture and its messages. Several of her points expressed thoughts or conversations I have had in recent years; others revealed false teachings I did not realize I had internalized. In this book, Welcher shines a light on some of the seemingly harmless but actually insidious teachings in the church regarding sexuality, and she does so while holding Jesus up consistently as the one who deserves our focus and obedience.

[Shelbi Starr · Rating 5 out of 5]

This book was incredible! It brought me healing I didn’t know I needed. Rachel does a beautiful job addressing the damage done by purity culture in the Church and how we can move forward in hope and healing. Highly recommend to parents (especially of teens), anyone leading ministry, anyone struggling with sexual purity and why it matters, and anyone who grew up during the era of evangelical purity culture.