Blessing of a Skinned Knee

by Wendy Mogel

New York Times bestselling author and host of the podcast Nurture vs Nurture Dr. Wendy Mogel offers an inspiring roadmap for raising self-reliant, ethical, and compassionate children.In the trenches of a typical day, every parent encounters a child afflicted with ingratitude and entitlement. Parents want so badly to raise self-disciplined, appreciative, and resourceful children who are not spoiled. But how to accomplish this feat? The answer has eluded the best-intentioned individuals who overprotect, overindulge, and overschedule their children's lives.Sharing stories of everyday parenting problems and examining them through the lens of the Torah, the Talmud, and important Jewish teachings, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee shows parents how to teach children to honor and respect others. Parents will learn to accept that their children are both ordinary and unique, and treasure the power and holiness of the present.Mogel makes these teachings relevant for any era, and any household of any faith. A unique parenting book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee is both inspiring and effective in the day-to-day challenge of raising self-reliant children.

Genres: Parenting, Nonfiction, Jewish, Judaism, Education, Psychology, Family

288 pages, Kindle Edition

First published January 4, 2001

About the author

Wendy Mogel, PhD is the author of The Blessing of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children published by Charles Scribner's Sons in 2001. Mogel is a nationally known speaker and author who looks at every day parenting problems through the lens of the Torah, the Talmud, and important Jewish teachings.

Mogel graduated from Middlebury College and completed an Internship and Post-Doctoral Fellowship in the Department of Psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. She is co-founder of the Los Angeles Association of Independent School Counselors and serves on the boards of the Center for Early Education and the Counsel for Spiritual and Ethical Education.

Mogel lives in Los Angeles with her husband, writer Michael Tolkin, and their two daughters, Susanna and Emma. On October 1, 2006, the New York Times published a profile of Mogel and her work.

Reviews

[Hafidha · Rating 5 out of 5]

When Dr. Mogel, a clinical psychologist, decided - after marriage and two children - to embrace her religious heritage, one of the outcomes was this book. She impressively combines Jewish teachings with old school common sense and "progressive" values.

This is one of the best parenting books I've come across. Mogel places a lot of emphasis on the parent taking a look at their own behavior and correcting dysfunctional patterns, establishing order, being consistent, acting with authority and self-restraint over themselves, and so on. Straight forward, easy to read, well-organized, well-written, with practical examples for how to implement the various lessons. It covers executive functioning, simplicity, discipline, balancing safety with freedom, over scheduling, food pickiness, and other hot button parenting issues in its own way.

The first blessing chapter, "The Blessing of a Unique and Ordinary Child" is all about humbling the parent reader, as she warns us against common parenting mindsets that can be disastrous for our children (e.g. living through our children, trying to force them to fulfill visions of who we think they are, pressuring them to succeed at everything). My favorite line from this section is, "Your child is not your masterpiece."

In addition to that one, the chapters I found most relevant and useful in my personal family situation were "Blessing of Work" (chores), "Blessing of Food," and "Blessing of Self-Control."

In "Blessing of Work," she writes: "... when parents insist that children do their chores, they are letting them know that they're not just loved, they are needed. Ordinary chores are the foundation of our children's character and spiritual well-being."

In "Blessing of Food," she advocates moderation and celebration, and provides lots of advice for how to make mealtimes opportunities for sanctifying and expressing gratitude, rather than thoughtless, embattled, or shameful experiences.

"Blessing of Self-Control" is EXCELLENT. She provides specific guidance on how to rebuke or punish a child without humiliation, AND also how to assess whether a rebuke or punishment is even necessary. The first part of the chapter is all about acknowledging your child's worst traits and learning to see them as their greatest qualities and redirecting those energies into good actions. Towards the end of chapter there is a lovely piece on giving children who have been punished an opportunity to "make amends," an important concept which is often overlooked. While children need to learn self-control, it's the parents who need to exercise it and model it, or else there is no point. I think if you read nothing else of this book, read this chapter. I intend to read it once a week until it is ingrained in my brain!

The final chapter, "Blessing of Faith and Tradition," gave me a lot of food for thought. Though I'm basically an atheist and not Jewish at all, I do have concerns about my young child's spiritual grounding. She writes, "You and your family may choose a different path than that of your forebears, but if you don't want to get caught up in the anxiety, materialism, and competition all around us, you must choose some path to walk on with your children. You must name it, follow it, and plan the curriculum for their spiritual education as thoughtfully and intelligently as you plan their academic education." I have taken this to heart.

I've already got a short list of things to start implementing in our household, one by one. A common theme throughout the book is the importance of actions and praxis and how these are preferable to just having nice ideas in your head while your life swirls in a chaos and your children have little respect for themselves or others. For example, in "Blessing of Having Someone to Look Up To," Mogel first explains from the Jewish perspective, why commandments on being polite are not a waste of time, or lessons in how to be inauthentic. Then she says, "In psychology, the theory of cognitive behaviorism holds that feelings follow behavior. In other words, rather than wait for your children to feel like being agreeable, you can teach them habits of politeness. If you and they use polite phrases every day, feelings of gratitude and respect can grow out of your behavior." She continues then to provide examples of how to help your children to be polite and give them opportunities to show courtesy and thoughtfulness in the home and outside of it.

The only negative thing I can say about this book after reading it once is the author definitely assumes you are middle to upper class, educated, and have a child who is "typical" in terms of mental or cognitive ability. I think she also writes towards a Jewish audience, which is to be expected given the scope of the book, but I felt like it was very much geared towards a particular economic class - it seemed like every client or situation she referenced was very well off. I think this reflects her personal experience so it's probably best she didn't attempt to overreach, but it does seem like she is maybe living in a bubble.

[Sam · Rating 1 out of 5]

I was reading this book for a group (of young families) at my (Episcopal) church. About a third of the way through the book I just couldn't take it anymore.

While I don't necessarily disagree with her methods for raising self-reliant children---Dr. Sears' The Successful Child does a much better job than this does. And if you're looking for something focused on faith--Shalom for the Home--is excellent--and teaches much of the same stuff without annoying the hell out of you. You don't need Jewish wisdom to raise happy, healthy children. More to the point, the book stinks of a converts zeal. It's less about parenting and more how awesome she finds her new found faith---which is well and good, but it doesn't make for a book on parenting.

Two things really angered me:
1. She tells a story about tolerance or welcome of a group of handicapped people while traveling in Israel with her children. She specifically says how wonderful it is that these people are welcomed and that she would have previously shielded her children from these "different" or "special" people. She clearly addresses this as a societal norm, and maybe it is. But its certainly not how I'm raising my young daughter. There are people at my church with both physical and intellectual disabilities. They are not curiosities to be enjoyed, but members of our community and family.

2. She dismisses the value of education regarding diversity and discrimination. She essentially says that there is no need to teach children to treat (specifically GLBT people or their families) people who are different with respect and dignity. Dealing with discrimination is good for building resilience....which must be easy for an uppper middle class, white, heterosexual, woman to say. She mocks the school's desire to create a "safe place" for everyone--even those suicidal gay student.

As a mother, who is also a lesbian, I'll be teaching my children to respect the dignity of every human being regardless of faith, race, or disability.

[Elizabeth McDonald · Rating 4 out of 5]

This was required reading for my new job at a girls' school (which, incidentally, is not Jewish). Although I am neither Jewish nor a parent, I found this book very engrossing. I couldn't put it down, despite the fact that I was on vacation in the mountains at the time. (Well, all right, I could put it down... just not when I was, say, supposed to be going to sleep.)

The author, who practiced clinical child psychology for fifteen years, reevaluates modern child-rearing practice through the lens of Jewish teachings (though not for Jewish parents alone). Her overall message is, pretty much, "Stop over-pampering your child. Insist on respect. Let them make their own mistakes. Give them responsibilities, household chores, but don't give them anything they want. They will be better off for it. You are a parent, not a friend, and you are a role model." This is a message that resonates with me 112% - I found myself thinking of a few families I have run across as a teacher who could do with reading this book and taking that message to heart.

Overall, I found the writing style very easy to read and friendly, and I am looking forward to the small-group discussion about the book at faculty orientation. I know that the number of parents on my Goodreads friends list here is very, very small, but I would still recommend this book to anyone who babysits, teaches, tutors, or otherwise interacts with children - or who just enjoys a parenting book now and then!

[Lisa · Rating 5 out of 5]

I enjoyed reading this book. Filled with seemingly common-sense guidance on raising children, I found myself noticing--more than normal--how children today don't behave (are bratty/insolent/fresh-mouthed, you get the idea) because they haven't been offered loving guidance as put forward in this book! Have you ever talked to a parent and they complain about their child's behavior and immediately follow it up with, "Well, what are you going to do?" I actually answer them by saying, "You could tell your child that they're not allowed to do that/they must say hello..." etc. Most people don't know what to say when I say that, but get real! You're the parent, it's your job to teach your child, not your job to adapt to their every whim! Alas, I digress. I wish I could gather a local group of people who have read this book and love it, then make all those people my circle of friends for play dates and kid-friendly activities. That would be great since we'd all be on the same page. I highly recommend this book.

[Flora]

Some of this definitely reads as yikes by my 2022 standards. She talked about a school that had an assembly (which she [maybe derisively?] referred to as consciousness-raising) to help create a more inclusive and supportive environment for LGBTQ students. That seems pretty good for pre-2001! But Mogel thinks the time would be better spent "building character" and that kids should be able to deal with stuff that makes them feel sad or bad. Which like, yes, people do need to be able to deal with hard feelings, but saying that when people's hard feelings are a result of repeated mistreatment/abuse/violence because of their membership in a marginalized/oppressed group is a totally different ballpark than like, your middle school friend group left you out of their social event one time and it felt really bad. You can't just make something that is the result of widespread systemic discrimination and prejudice into an individual issue that's solvable by building character.

She also seemed to think a high school's concern for its students' mental health the day after a student died at school was like overblown and making them soft or something. Seems like standard protocol to have additional counseling resources available in the immediate aftermath of a student death, and I think it would be irresponsible not to. I think she confuses helping kids through difficult emotional periods with trying to protect them from feeling difficult emotions. That definitely seems like a distinction worth being aware of as a parent or someone who works with kids, but not a distinction she makes in the book.

In addition to "building character", she talks about the importance of self-control and self-discipline. I find those both problematic concepts because they are frequently deployed in racialized and gendered ways; ideas about who needs to develop self-control around what (and who we expect to lack self-control) can be pretty racist and/or sexist. Self-control/self-discipline isn't really supposed to benefit the person who exercises it; it aims to get them to behave and present in ways more in line with dominant-group norms. It's also just not a very nice way to treat yourself. I do like self-regulation, because to me it's more like bringing emotions to a level that feels ok and manageable to the person experiencing them, to be able to act in a way that lines up with what you value and the kind of person you want to be. I'm not sure if these things actually have different definitions in psychology or whatever, but to me they at least have very different connotations.

I also did not like the part about innate gender differences (boys like rough and tumble; girls have a lot of pressure to be great at everything in high school). Whether or not these are accurate generalizations, it doesn't seem useful for raising individual children. This might work if you're raising 1000 children at once, so you know what to expect for general differences between boys and girls, but if you are a parent with 1-5 (idk what the upper bound on this should be) children, it would probably be better to get to know your children as individuals to see what works for them and what doesn't, to not expect their development to follow the exact trajectory of their siblings or peers, but no need to have particular expectations because of gender.

The final chapter about religious life (specifically Judaism) had some parts I liked. I agreed with her assertion that parents shouldn't try to force their kids into organized religion, Hebrew school, etc while not participating at all themselves, and I particularly liked this metaphor: "They try to pass the torch of the tradition directly to their sons and daughters without feeling the heat of the flame themselves."

A couple of other things that I liked that are somewhat related to Jewish ideas:
Simultaneously accepting that your children are both special, amazing, completely unique AND totally ordinary.
Na'aseh v'nishmah: often translated as "we will do and we will understand", from when they got the Torah in Exodus. The idea that understanding, or feeling, often follows action (see also cognitive behavioral psychology) so sometimes you (or your children) just have to do the thing first and feel the feeling later. This can apply to religious practice and lots of other stuff.

Finally, I would like to add that this book is advice primarily for white, Jewish, two-parent families with plenty of disposable income. This isn't necessarily bad; there is probably no such thing as good universal parenting advice. But I think it's important to be upfront about that.

[Carolyn Kost · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is like the parenting manual you should have received when your kid was born. You don't have to be Jewish to enjoy and derive enormous benefit from it. This is one of the books I most often recommend, along with How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success (Lythcott-Haims) and The Truth about College Admission(Barnard and Clark). There is so much wisdom here that will reset your perspective.
For example:
“A Hasidic teaching says, ‘If your child has a talent to be a baker, don't tell him to be a doctor.’ Spiritual traditions hold that every child is made in the divine image. When we ignore a child's intrinsic strengths in an effort to push him toward our notion of extraordinary achievement, we are undermining God's plan.”
“Real protection means teaching children to manage risks on their own, not shielding them from every hazard.”
“Unsure how to find grace and security in the complex world we’ve inherited, we try to fill up the spaces in our children’s lives with stuff: birthday entertainments, lessons, rooms full of toys and equipment, tutors and therapists. But material pleasures can’t buy peace of mind, and all the excess leads to more anxiety—parents fear that their children will not be able to sustain this rarefied lifestyle and will fall off the mountain the parents have built for them.”
“No one is born feeling grateful; it’s an acquired skill. That’s why traditional Jewish law forbids spending money on the Sabbath. God commands us to stop shopping and count our blessings on that one day because he knows that left on our own, we wouldn’t be so inclined.”

[Sylvester (Taking a break in 2023) · Rating 4 out of 5]

Good, common-sense principles for raising children. Keeping an eye to the future - what kind of humans do we want our children to become? I'm not Jewish, but I found a lot of helpful thoughts in this book.

[briz · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wow. Really wonderful. This is a book that I'll keep close to my heart as a wise guide for many years, I anticipate!

Much like Abraham Heschel's The Sabbath, I read this as a non-Jewish person and found it both "profound and practical". A really transformative work, honestly!

Briefly: Dr. Mogel practiced as a child therapist for 15 years in LA. As trends in parenting (and thus trends in the anxieties/depressions/problems of children) evolved, she became distressed. (I'm assuming this was in the 80s? 90s?) At the same time, she rediscovered her Jewish heritage and found a brilliant new path in bringing old rabbinical wisdom to the art and science (?) of raising kids. She stopped practicing, got super religious, and started leading popular parenting seminars, etc.

So, again, I'm not Jewish. But wisdom is wisdom, and I found a lot of it in this book. Basically, this book has a few key messages:

- Be the change you want to see in the household. I catch myself (A LOT) doing this: having perfectionist expectations for my child (and my much younger sibling) that I (a) would never have for myself, or any other loved one, and (b) are completely unrealistic (basically, I imagine I'm raising a little Dalai Lama - "why, thank you, Mother, for this educational opportunity!"). Instead, role model what you want to see - it's better for you, and more convincing for them! e.g. Not being screen-addicted... Tolerating frustration with grace... Eating more healthy food and less chocolate... etc.
- You're not your kid's friend or their personal entertainment system; you're their teacher/guide/role model. I like what Mogel says (and she was quoting a rabbi's parenting advice from centuries ago): a parent should be "1/3 love, 1/3 law, and 1/3 sitting on their hands". Basically, have authority. But also take a minute before intervening and don't smooth every path for them. (This aligns with Bringing Up Bebe's assertion of "I'm in charge!", as well as "Le Pause".)
- Your kid is not your project/avatar/"more perfect mini-me". Accept their (and your!) mediocrity (that doesn't make them less worthy of love!), aim for "average good" behavior/compliance, and have realistic expectations for their development.
- Give chores and accustom your child to the drudgery of household work early. Try to find the spiritual nirvana in the laundry (a la Kornfield - good luck!). Practice this before trying to make your tiny little Dalai Lama do it with a smile! Again, aim for B-grade compliance.

I also really enjoyed her discussion of the "yetzer hara" - which Wikipedia quite heavy-duty defines as "the congenital inclination to do evil, by violating the will of God" (damn), but Mogel frames more as a child's - and adult's (!) - id, or CHEEKINESS, or inner fiery drive. That is, the thing that motivates us all: DESIRE. Mogel has a great chapter on how the yetzer hara is basically your kid's "door to greatness", it's their special spark, it's the thing - however annoying in its current expression - that will galvanize them. She uses the example of a "bossy little girl" - and gives practical tips on how to channel that "bossiness" while celebrating that, grrrrrl, that girl is gonna be a CEO someday! Things like that.

What I like about all this is that Mogel is always clear on what's within the realm of "normal" psychological okay-ness, and something to really be concerned about. She's like, obviously if your kid's yetzer hara is to torture animals, maybe it's time for a more serious intervention and concern. But she assures readers that the distribution of "normal" behavior is wide indeed, and Modern Parents tend to be quick to label things (often - she cheekily claims - in an effort to medicate/specialist-ize their children to perfection!). To this end, she recommends this series of books by some Yale Child Development Lab people in the 70s - I am excited to read them! - which are meant to level-set laypeople's understanding of the 2-year-old, 3-year-old, and so on. (I love the titles: Your Three Year Old: Friend or Enemy.)

Anyway, wonderful wonderful. So glad I read this!

[LM · Rating 1 out of 5]

I felt like a reform Jew became conservative (as in the demonination not the definition)
and spent more time at home with her own kids so she felt she had to write a book. It was
about using her educated PhD psychologist expertise to defend the use of some Jewish
teaching she picked and choose with little research.

[Deb · Rating 3 out of 5]

I'm not Jewish. My youngest child is eighteen. Why would I read a book on Jewish parenting? I found out about this book from another book I read recently called Style Statement: Live By Your Own Design by Carrie McCarthy and Danielle LaPorte. That other book is about figuring out personal preferences and letting them help you live life more deliberately. Anyway, a woman in that book, named Su T. Fitterman (she defines herself as "Simply Crafted") says this book is one of a handful that has "defined her." The idea of a book defining a person intrigued me, so I immediately put this book on hold with my library, out of curiosity.

I am a grandmother of small children who I see occasionally. I'm a mom of five adult children, three of which still live at home. I'm a human being who is trying to manage her own sometimes emotionally childish self. I'm a religious seeker of truth. I thought maybe this book could be applicable to me and my life. Turns out, it is.

While reading this book, I did a lot of self-evaluation and felt some regret about how I raised my children. I wish I had read this book thirty years ago. I could have known how to deal with picky eaters and chore-resistant children. I might have known how to be a better, wiser disciplinarian. I might have dealt with some of the traumas of parenting more smoothly. At the same time, I recognized myself in a few of this book's positive teachings, so I'm okay I guess. I can't do it over, that's reality, so dwelling in regret isn't useful.

One of the things I did as a parent that wasn't so good, but is natural and normal of course, was try to protect my children from sadness and pain. I failed miserably and I guess I'm glad I did. Difficulties are part of life. Even so, it might have helped my own heart and more supportive encouragement of my children if I had understood life better. When my children were small, I didn't get how important it is to make mistakes so we can learn from them. I was a perfectionist. I didn't think about the reality that feeling bad and failing sometimes is okay. It's just part of life and the growing process. Children need to learn how to cope so they can survive the increasing challenges of life and not despair. I like this quote from the book:

"In the book of Leviticus, God warns us not to put a stumbling block before the blind. Keeping too close an eye on children is a stumbling block. If they don't have the chance to be bad, they can't choose to be good. If they don't have the chance to fail, they can't learn. And if they aren't allowed to face scary situations they'll grow up to be frightened of life's simplest challenges."

Amen.

I'm not Jewish, but I'm glad we were fully involved in a religion with daily, weekly, and monthly traditions, rites, and practices while my children were growing up. The framework was good and helped us try to teach our children things we value. The fact that they have not all chosen to continue in our beliefs and culture is obviously their choice. At least in that regard, I have no regrets.

I'm impressed by and identify with Mogel's description of the way practicing Jewish people live and teach their children. I don't know that anyone I know would want to read this book or would particularly benefit from it, but I'm glad I did.

[Skylar Burris · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is perhaps the best parenting book I have read to date, and I have read several. The author writes from an explicitly Jewish perspective and primarily addresses Jewish parents, but, even as someone of a different faith (Christian), I found her advice and perspectives very helpful. The section about talking about God with your children addressed the same sorts of difficulties I experience as a Christian parent. I appreciated the philosophical outlook on parenting the author presented: the emphasis is placed on training a child to behave appropriately, trusting that the heart and motives will follow the actions in time. This seems to me a much more realistic approach than the rather overwhelming and almost Godlike task of "Shepherding a Child's Heart" (an earlier Christian parenting book I read). I also appreciated her lesson on allowing yourself and your child to be "good enough" as well as the warning that we should not expect of our children what we would never expect of ourselves. She focuses on the importance of allowing your child to make mistakes, to suffer boredom, and even to be unhappy. The most practically useful thing I took away from this book was the detailed directions for issuing a "one minute rebuke."

Her writing style is interesting and easy to read, and, unlike so many parenting books, I found "The Blessings of a Skinned Knee" to be fairly concise and well organized. Much of her advice I have found elsewhere, but I have not found it presented in such a clear, convincing, and useful manner.

[Michelle Raybourn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Just off of where I am lifewise and off of where I work, I feel like I have become accustomed to hearing fears about parenting and I have started to face my own fears about wanting to bring life into the world in the most kind ways possible.

This book was a comfort to my fears and I hope to the many others who have read it.

It was also really educational to see the overlap between Jewish and Christian teachings in her writing and ways of approaching parenting. The Jewish practice of Shabbat is very consistent to how Christians are called to practice the sabbath and teaches us how to slow down and not squeeze everything out of our time.

Also, in teaching kids about faith, there was so much consistency in living out what you believe and having the real conversations about truth and mystery. Overall, I would recommend. It’s a great learning tool for many different ways of thinking.

[Katie Busby · Rating 2 out of 5]

Charlie is not at an age where this book is really applicable. Also, I am not sure I am totally comfortable with the way she got her 3 yo daughter to brush her teeth. (She told her that she would have to stay outside in the backyard over night if she did not brush her teeth. As she was walking her daughter outside, her daughter quickly changed her mind...what if her daughter was bold and said, fine, I will sleep outside? What would she do then?

[Naomi Hoyt · Rating 5 out of 5]

This is a parenting book I come back to over and over again. People of all religious beliefs will appreciate the practical and thoughtful philosophy regarding parenting that Wendy Mogel puts forth. A must read for anyone struggling to raise kids in this materialistic and entitlement driven world!

[reading is my hustle · Rating 5 out of 5]

Hands down my favorite parenting book (and you do not have to be Jewish to relate to it).

[Brynlee · Rating 5 out of 5]

I wish this was required reading for all parents. Excellent, practical, not-preachy advice! I could have highlighted the whole thing.

[Margot Note]

"By sanctifying the most mundane aspects of the here and now, [Judaism] teaches us that there is greatness not just in grand and glorious achievements but in our small, everyday efforts and deeds" (34).

"A paradox of parenting is that if we love our children for their own sake rather than for their achievements, it's more likely that they will reach their true potential" (60).

"The most effective first step in improving your child's behavior might be to change your own" (192).

"This may explain why the idea of a whole day of rest is terrifying to so many people. We're not afraid of losing time but of having time to reflect. Without the usual distractions and interference, we may have to confront feelings of disappointment, loneliness, frustration, panic, helplessness, and exhaustion, and our fear that we are not strong enough to make the changes we need to make" (221).

[Cole Rich · Rating 5 out of 5]

Wonderful parenting book. Starts a bit slow but the middle through the end are incredible. It is written for Jewish parents but I would argue is applicable to everyone, even open minded atheists. The author is a child psychotherapist who felt her therapy tools were not cutting it for solving the challenges she was seeing in clinic. She dug into Judaic child rearing principles (honestly there were fairly loose associations in alot of spots, I might call them just more slow paced child rearing principles) to evolve her practice and she shares that wisdom here. For parents raising a child in any religious tradition, the very last chapter was really unique, compelling and enlightening.

[Cody Ray · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was such a beautiful, inspiring read. This book or various themes had come up several times in very odd/unrelated ways in a short period of time, so I had to pick it up.

Blessings of a Skinned Knee was amazing. Moderation, celebration, and sanctification seem like amazing principles for adoption into daily life, and the weekly Shabbat dinner a beautiful bonding experience for the family. So many great parenting and life lessons in here. Definitely feels like something I would really appreciate when I have children.

I don't know much about Judaism but I had always admired the traits I knew of. (The mourning rituals, that questioning is encouraged, the intensity of studying, the tightness of family and community.) This book really makes me want to learn more...

A definite must re-read book too

[Katie Martin · Rating 4 out of 5]

A 4.5!

This book is a wonderful (and surprisingly old) compilation of common-sense parenting enhanced by insightful applications of Jewish principles.

You'll find advice that's coming back into vogue: giving your kids independence, protecting their time from over-scheduling, homework, and screens. But you'll also find plenty of ideas on how to nurture your child's character.

I loved the way she instructed parents to distinguish mistakes, crimes of passion, and crimes of rebellion when disciplining and how to treat them differently. I loved her emphasis on taking great care not to shame your child when correcting them.

What I probably loved most was how she infused the entire book with blessings. In every chapter there's an anecdote from her life that ends in a spoken blessing (how cool is that?!) Not only does she demonstrate how spoken blessings enhance sensitivity to blessing and feelings of gratitude, she also sees blessing others and the world as a foundational goal for our parenting. Beautiful.

[Adam Ricks · Rating 4 out of 5]

Thoughtful approach to parenting. I appreciated the Jewish teachings and can apply many of the same ideas to my parenting style, though a different religion. Including God as part of teaching our kids will change their lives. Our kids our growing up in a world where it is somehow politically incorrect or offensive to talk about God in a public setting. Bringing your beliefs into the basics of your parenting, and talking about those approaches with your kids, can have very helpful results--hopefully helping to provide a stable foundation for your children.

[Elizabeth Ricks · Rating 3 out of 5]

I like that this approach to parenting takes a religious approach, and I think we can find many commonalities between our religion and Judaism. But I've decided that I'm not reading parenting books for a while. I know that I'm never too old to be a better parent, but still ... I need a break.

[Meg · Rating 3 out of 5]

Some useful perspectives from sages through the ages (ie there's a reason "honor thy mother and father" needed to be a commandment) but also some of the modern advice feels dated. As with any parenting or advice book it has some gems and some duds. Starts to repeat itself in the second half.

[Aimee · Rating 4 out of 5]

I have had this book for almost 10 years and finally read it. I wish I had read it when I bought it. Found it very good but more helpful for parents of younger children

[Jennifer J · Rating 3 out of 5]

I really liked a lot of what she had to say. Some of it felt too strict to adopt into our family.

[Kaitlin · Rating 4 out of 5]

A work read—appreciated the insight on how newer parenting styles are impacting resilience in children.

[Maeve · Rating 4 out of 5]

Jewish principles for raising kids! Listened to this audiobook in 1 day WFH. I wish Wendy Mogel wrote more books because I liked this one so much. I love how much she brings the benefits of faith and ritual into family life

[Cole Ramirez · Rating 5 out of 5]

This was definitely one of the better parenting books I've read in my life. Numerous past reviewers have sung it's praise using some variation of the comment "I'm not Jewish but I still loved this book!" No, do you do not have to be Jewish to get something out of this book, mostly because "Jewish Values", and "Christian Values", and probably until very recently "American Values" are strikingly similar. We're all just trying to raise kind, obedient, joyful kids that have the resiliency to leave the nest one day and be good, kind, self-sufficient adults right? It's no surprise to me that a Jewish parenting book covers lessons that apply to us all.

Arguably the most important point made in the book is that establishing parental authority is a prerequisite for teaching a child almost anything else of value. "If you don't teach your children to honor you, you'll have a hard time teaching them anything else" (62). We earn the right to be heard by our kids not only by loving them and creating a habit of open communication, but also by maintaining a hierarchical relationship.

My favorite chapter was The Blessing of Food, which suggested the ritual of a weekly Shabbat dinner. We do typically eat all dinners together as a family, but the weekday dinners can be rushed and unpleasant because of sports, extracurricular activities or the impending bedtime. I have heard of Christian families doing an annual Passover meal (the Seder dinner), and the idea appealed, but the amount of effort required to incorporate all the symbolic and traditional components of the meal caused me to shy away. Mogel's suggestion to make the Shabbat dinner a weekly routine and to start small, with just a candle and a simple blessing, opened my mind to the possibility of making this something we could execute each week. We have since started the weekly Shabbat dinner and my kids (and us parents) love it. What a sweet time to praise God, strengthen relationships, and partake in something delicious.

I would mention that a lot of the parenting issues she describes in the book could be simply solved by having more kids. Mogel even makes this point herself when she gets into talking about chores: "To view the chore options objectively, start by thinking about the kinds of jobs your child might have to do if he were one of a family of six children, where without everyone's contribution the whole operation would falter" (152). Why yes! I can imagine JUST how that would be, because that is literally my life. And I'm not going to say I NEVER struggle to get my kids to do chores, but it's just not the same battle it seems to be for others. Even the definition of a chore is different for us. Making your bed, cleaning up your room, and putting away your own laundry is not a chore. That's just part of being a responsible human. Chores are things that go beyond your own personal cleanliness - things that involve keeping the household clean and running well and that may or may not have anything to do with messes you've created yourself. Things like cleaning toilets, mopping floors, dusting, or mowing the lawn.

We don't suffer the same food issues she outlines because frankly I have too many kids to have ever tolerated pickiness. We don't (generally) suffer the issues of "longing" because we just don't have enough money for buying unnecessary things to be an option. I'm not saying I'm a rockstar parents with exceptionally behaved kids... I'm just saying that the natural consequences of having a lot of kids solves many of these parenting problems.

Still, there was so much wisdom in this book. So many practical tips. And a pretty enjoyable read as well! Mogel is clear, easy to read, and even funny at times. I will definitely be reading her other parenting books in the future.

Notes:
-Spend time with your husband at night ("I was an adulterer and my lover was sleep") (21)
-Wearing jeans and running shoes to temple can be an obstacle to feeling awe and transcendence (25)
-"Moderation, Celebration, and Sanctification" (34)
-Teach kids "you're the boss" and remind them of this until they leave the house (70)
-Teach kids not to contradict you in front of others (73)
-With moodiness, your goal is to address the behavior, not the mood itself (76)
-Don't bother arguing or responding to attempts at debates with your kids (123)
-No task is too mundane or simple to be elevated to holiness (134)
-With effective consequences, it's not the severity that matters but the certainty (135)
-Make the table an altar (165)
-"The words of the wise man are heard in gentleness" (202)
-Kids pick up on the fact that we are only half listening and will at some point stop talking (210)
-If our job is the home, the "product" we produce is the home environment (218)

[Jenn · Rating 4 out of 5]

Wasn't amazing writing but this contained a good, different perspective that I liked reflecting on at the time I read it. It's amazing to learn more about Judaism and the implications for family that Jesus would have had instilled into his stories about family.

[Melissa · Rating 4 out of 5]

Some helpful parenting strategies from a psychologist who based her parenting on reformed Jewish teachings

The author uses some key Jewish concepts to create a structure or healthy boundaries for a family. As the author says:
Psychology provides powerful theories for understanding children’s emotional problems, but the theories shift too frequently to be an anchor and give short shrift to problems of character. In the time-tested lessons of Judaism, I discovered insights and practical tools that spoke directly to both psychological and spiritual problems.

Quotes:
A house of God is different from the carpool line or supermarket. Wearing jeans and running shoes to temple can be an obstacle to feeling awe and transcendence... When I told them [clients] that they needed to become the “high priests in the Holy Temple of their home,” they laughed, but later it began to make sense to them. They realized that they had been so kind and democratic with their children that there was no order in the universe of their home.

We then whispered a traditional blessing to each child, “May the divine face shine upon you in the coming week.”

Many parents have unhappy memories of their own childhoods, memories of not being allowed to express their feelings or participate in decisions. In trying to undo these past violations, they move too far in the other direction—direction—they overvalue their children’s need for self-expression and turn their households into little democracies... In this hothouse environment, children receive plenty of attention and worldly goods, but they pay a price for it. They learn very quickly that they are not to show too much unhappiness, frustration, or disappointment.

Judaism provides a very different kind of perspective on parenting. By sanctifying the most mundane aspects of the here and now, it teaches us that there is greatness not just in grand and glorious achievements but in our small, everyday efforts and deeds. Judaism shows us that we don’t have to be swallowed up by our frenzied, materialistic world—we can take what is valuable from it without being wholly consumed.

The principle of moderation teaches us to do two seemingly incompatible things at once: to passionately embrace the material world that God has created—“And God saw that it was good”—while exercising self-discipline.

We are not to emulate animals, who act on instinct; the pagans, who worship nature and the senses for their own sake; the angels, who don’t struggle with longing; or the ascetics, who shun earthly pleasures. God created us with intense desire and free will on purpose, and it is up to us to use this endowment for good or ill.

We are obliged to embrace God’s gifts moderately but enthusiastically; in other words, we are obliged to give thanks and to party. Celebration takes hundreds of forms: the Jewish liturgy contains blessings over food, rainbows, new clothes, a narrow escape from danger, a day of rest, doing something for the first time, and even earthquakes (this last prayer can be loosely translated as “Wow, God, you are one powerful being!”).

We are commanded to be constantly on guard for opportunities to be grateful for the richness of the world and for our good fortune, whatever form it takes.

One traditional Jewish expression for home is the same as the word for a house of worship: mikdash me’at, or “little holy place.”

The purpose of having children and raising them to be self-reliant, compassionate, ethical adults is to ensure that there will be people here to honor God after we are gone. So the rules regarding child-rearing are not primarily about making children feel good, but about making children into good people.

Each of the chapters that follow is devoted to an aspect of parenting that Jewish thinkers have deemed crucial to raising children: Accept that your children are both unique and ordinary. Teach them to honor their parents and to respect others—family, friends, and community. Teach them to be resilient, self-reliant, and courageous. Teach them to be grateful for their blessings. Teach them the value of work. Teach them to make their table an altar—to approach food with an attitude of moderation, celebration, and sanctification. Teach them to accept rules and to exercise self-control. Teach them the preciousness of the present moment. Teach them about God.

“The holy one does not come to His creatures with excessive demands.”

In The Ethics of the Fathers (a collection of ethical maxims dating back to before the first century), Rabbi Tarfon teaches, “It is not your responsibility to complete the work [of perfecting the world] but you are not free to desist from it either.”

I have not entirely escaped the perils of parenting today. I have not liberated myself from having grand aspirations for my children or from overindulging and overscheduling them, but I have moved a few degrees out of the zone of competition, pressure, and anxiety that led me to ruminate so often in the night. I don’t worry about my age as much as I used to, because my children are part of a solid and portable community.

Why are parents so anxious to be raising perfect children? The answer is twofold: pride and fear of the future.

Laypeople call it bragging; psychologists describe it as “achievement by proxy syndrome.” Some parents use their children’s achievements for their own sense of security, personal glory, or the fulfillment of unfulfilled dreams.

Your child is not your masterpiece. According to Jewish thought, your child is not even truly “yours.”

If boys risk getting their spirits crushed in early elementary school, girls face a different challenge—fulfilling impossible expectations in adolescence.

A key concept in Hasidic thought expresses the idea of balance: “Keep two pieces of paper in your pockets at all times. On one write, ‘I am a speck of dust.’ On the other, ‘The world was created for me.’” The divine and the ordinary merge in Judaism...

Consider the wisdom of Rabbi Zusya, an early Hasidic leader and folk hero. Zusya was known as a modest and benevolent man who, despite his meager knowledge of Torah, attained merit because of his innocence and personal righteousness. Before he died he said, “When I reach the world to come, God will not ask me why I wasn’t more like Moses. He will ask me why I wasn’t more like Zusya.”

I once read a beautiful teaching attributed simply to “a modern educator.” It read: “Try to see your child as a seed that came in a packet without a label. Your job is to provide the right environment and nutrients and to pull the weeds. You can’t decide what kind of flower you’ll get or in which season it will bloom.”

Many families have a ... child whose talents and tempo and needs differ from what is assumed to be normal by the rest of the group. Your “different” child may be fast-paced, impatient, and quick to act, while your family tends to be slower and more reflective.

Parents who adopt children recognize that there will be inherent differences between their children and themselves, but biological parents are sometimes slower to catch on.

One mother told our class that she always took off her glasses when she looked in the mirror so she wouldn’t see her beauty flaws up too close. Another confessed that she weighed herself twice a day. It’s no use hiding tricks like this from your daughter. She is psychic. You can’t expect her to accept herself when you are zealously self-critical. To truly set an example for her, you have to be willing to look in the mirror, get off the scale, and accept yourself as God made you.

My advice to all of these parents is to tolerate some low-quality time. Have a little less ambition for yourself and your children. Plan nothing—disappoint your kids with your essential mediocrity and the dullness of your home.

Every child cannot be good in everything, and no amount of encouragement or teacher talent can make it so.

If you feel that every teacher in the school is underwhelming, you’ve got a problem. Either the school is inappropriate or your criteria are unrealistic.

One principal observed that the report cards have become a cross between “a work of romantic fiction and a legal document.”

fact. I recall a parent-teacher conference lasting under seven minutes, including the small talk, but we learned what we needed to know about our daughter: she was doing well. If we needed flattery, we could talk to her grandparents about her. The school was not a cruise ship. When the girls graduated they would not be shocked to discover that life isn’t a process of continuous encouragement.

The sages advise us to study Torah lishma—“for its own sake”—rather than to impress others with our scholarship.

If you place too high a value on straight-A report cards and a slateful of extracurricular activities, your child may feel that she needs to excel in all areas in order to retain your respect.

A democratic system doesn’t work very well for dogs or children; it just makes them feel insecure.

When children are young, Jewish law states that they must: Always address their parents in a gentle manner. Not contradict their parents’ words in front of others. Respect their parents’ privacy and the privacy of others. Not sit in their parents’ place at the table. Honor their stepparents.

In psychology, the theory of cognitive behaviorism holds that feelings follow behavior. In other words, rather than wait for your children to feel like being agreeable, you can teach them habits of politeness. If you and they use polite phrases every day, feelings of gratitude and respect can grow out of your behavior.

If you are constantly criticizing, you’ll lose their goodwill and end up defeating the honor project.

Judaism stresses the power of our words as tools to express respect for God’s creations. And as always in Jewish theology, the smallest things count.

When teaching your kids about respectful language, be clear about your standards. If your child talks back to you, take his or her hand in yours and in a calm voice say, “You are not allowed to talk to me this way.” Just as important, be consistent. Otherwise, your child won’t take you seriously and the whole program will fizzle.

If you recast many of the things that Sasha feels entitled to as privileges, you’ll discover a world of consequences for non-compliance.

Derech eretz (the way of the land) means etiquette and good manners in its narrowest sense, and standards for honorable, dignified behavior in its broadest... Derech eretz teaches us to always be sensitive to the feelings of others...Judaism is very big on social niceties because they are considered an essential element of a stable and wholesome community.

Both adults and children often feel awkward when meeting new people, but adults have learned strategies for overcoming their awkwardness... children six and up need to learn strategies for handling the natural bashfulness they feel.

Torah puts great emphasis on the importance of welcoming people into your home, making sure they feel comfortable, and giving them your full attention—it’s a mitzvah called hakhnasat orchim (hospitality to guests).

If they learn to see the world as a place where others are judged behind their backs, they may become inhibited, fearing that their own actions and words are not safe from ridicule. The Torah takes dishonorable words very seriously—gossip and murder are mentioned in the same breath:

One mother in a parenting class likened gossip to spiritual pollution because it fouls the air we breathe, even though we can’t see it.

Your most lasting legacy, the only one that really matters, is how your children will treat their fellow creatures and the world you’re leaving them. It begins and ends with honor.

This level of fearfulness in children and intense protectiveness in parents was something I saw all the time.

No matter how busy these parents are, the child’s problems remain a central preoccupation. Instead of enjoying their time with their children, they’re busy fretting and fixing.

There is a Hebrew phrase, tzar gidul banim, that refers to the ubiquitous pain of raising children. We parents go through years of emotional anguish as we raise our kids, but tzar gidol banim also refers to our children’s pain. Without it they cannot grow strong.

Like God, new parents are miracle makers. When children are tiny babies, we vigilantly monitor everything that goes into their mouths and comes out their bottoms. We make sure they aren’t hungry or thirsty, and we provide constant protection and care. But as our children mature, we need to withdraw from smoothing their path and satisfying all their wishes.

Parents’ urge to overprotect their children is based on fear. Fear of strangers, the streets, the Internet, the mall. Fear of the child’s not being invited to the right parties or accepted by the right schools. Fear about safety, sex, disease, and drugs.

...most of the parents I speak with believe that their children should be spared “ordinary unhappiness” and should be protected from feeling sad, angry, afraid, frustrated, or disappointed. According to Orthodox psychologist and parent educator Miriam Adahan, children need an opportunity to learn about the “wave pattern” of emotions. If parents rush in to rescue them from distress, children don’t get an opportunity to learn that they can suffer and recover on their own.

The first step is to try, as much as possible, to put common sense and faith before emotion

If... you can use common sense (we’ve overcome challenges before and we’ll overcome this one) bitachon (trust in God), you can relax a little. The spiritual discipline of bitachonrequires us to make our best efforts on behalf of our children, use our best judgment, and leave the rest in God’s hands.

How to know if you’re spending too much time worrying about your children? If you notice that even during seemingly perfect moments you’re thinking about potential troubles ahead, you’re worrying too much. Another sign: your children seem overly cautious or anxious.

Frequently, worrier parents raise worrying children who see the world as overwhelming and threatening.

The idea that you can prevent a bad event by worrying about it turns up in Jewish folktales, like the one about the chimney sweep Yossel, who, in exchange for a salary of one ruble a week, was appointed the official Worrier of Chelm. One resident of Chelm complained, “If Yossel gets a nice salary of one ruble a week, what has he got to worry about?”

It’s not obvious, but one of the problems with this perspective is its lack of humility. It’s arrogant to think we are in charge of everything. That’s why, when some traditional Jews speak about something that will happen in the future, they always append “God willing” to the end of the sentence.

Among the families I work with, the fears center around the big three: crime, safety, and the media (TV, music, film, and the Internet).

You owe it to your children to use good judgment and caution without overreacting to distorted threats. If you don’t allow your children the freedom other parents in the neighborhood give their kids, you’re probably being overly protective.

It’s not fair to unburden yourself of ambivalence by letting them watch the Cartoon Network while you sit on the couch delivering pious little lessons about art, feminism, or politics.

“Lech lecha—Go forth, move!” God told Abraham when it was time for him to leave the land of his father to venture out into the unknown Promised Land. The phrase literally means “go to yourself.” Unless your child ventures forth into the world he won’t get a chance to learn how to master it and to find his place.

I wondered what had helped Lily become so independent. The answer came as her mother, Mina, and I chatted about Lily’s first experience at a sleepaway summer camp. Mina said, “Of course Lily was pretty nervous and threw up the usual few times the night before, but I just put her on the bus in the morning.”...In my community a child who became physically sick from fear of going away to camp would be kept home or might even be taken to a therapist to be evaluated for separation anxiety disorder.

Having the courage not to pamper and overprotect your child means that sometimes she will be uncomfortable, unhappy, or even in peril, but that you are willing to take a chance because of your commitment to her growth and development.

Are you ready to challenge your own child to courageously solve his or her own problems?

In America, we often keep such people [severely disabled] separate. Although we let children see horror movies, we protect them from seeing real people who look scary and act inappropriately... When we protect our children from people who are different, inappropriate, and even frightening, they’ll be too easily shocked and frightened as adults.

Young children titrate their own level of upset up or down depending on their parents’ facial expression or gestures.

While parents don’t need to deprive their children of life-sustaining essentials, they do need to prepare them for rough conditions by teaching them to tolerate some stresses and extremes.

Doing the right thing is more important than feeling the correct feelings, so while it is perfectly acceptable to desire things that aren’t necessary, we must discipline ourselves and direct our actions away from them.

Explaining cause and effect rarely works with children, because their passion and sense of omnipotence overwhelm their capacity for logic... Most pious lectures are a waste of everybody’s time.

Let’s look at a short list of things that children are fully entitled to: respectful treatment, healthful food, shelter from the weather, practical and comfortable clothing, yearly checkups at the pediatrician and the dentist, and a good education. Everything else is a privilege. It’s an adult’s job to remember that Hollister-brand clothing, an iPhone, and all the latest Wii games are not necessary for human survival. Your child need not understand or agree with this point of view.

Stopping before eating in order to bless food is a ubiquitous religious practice because it’s a natural—every time we eat we have a choice between gluttony or gratitude to God.

Children who get most of their desires satisfied right away don’t have a chance to appreciate what they’ve already got.

Doing chores—looking after themselves and helping the family—are their first good deeds.

The sages say that the answer to the question, “Where does God live?” is “Wherever you look for him.”

Parent educator Barbara Colorosa says it’s not the severity of a consequence that has an impact on children but the certainty. Same goes for rewards.

We are to elevate the act of eating by being conscious about when, what, where, and why we eat. In other words, we must make our table an altar... We need to approach food in a conscious way so we can take full advantage of our human capacity for self-control and enjoyment ... there is a place for both nutrition and delight.

Mothers and fathers usually influence their children more than any other environmental factor, so it’s possible that your child’s problems are at least partly a reaction to your own mishegas.

With children, rationalizations are pointless. Instead of sympathy, you get instant karma. Are you wimpy? Your children will walk all over you if you don’t toughen up. Are you moody? Your kids will be moodier.

Let your children taste success. Be a talent scout. Find islands of competence.