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For Shame: Rediscovering the Virtues of a Maligned Emotion
Can a better understanding of shame lead us to see its positive contribution to human life? For many people, shame really is a destructive and health-disrupting force. Too often it cripples and silences victims of other people's shameful behavior, and research has demonstrated clearly the damaging effects of shame on our emotional wellbeing. To combat this, a mini-industry of resources and popular therapies has emerged to help people free themselves from shame. And yet, shame can contribute to a healthy emotional and moral experience. Some behavior is shameful, and sometimes we ought to be ashamed by wrongs we've committed. Eastern and Western cultures alike have long seen a social benefit to shame, and it can rightly cultivate virtues both public and personal. So what are we to make of shame? Philosopher and author Gregg Ten Elshof examines this potent emotion carefully, defining it with more clarity, distinguishing it from embarrassment and guilt, and carefully tracing the positive role shame has played historically in contributing to a well-ordered society. While casting off unhealthy shame is always a positive, For Shame demonstrates the surprising, sometimes unacknowledged ways in which healthy shame is as needed as ever. On the other side of good shame, lie virtues such as decency, self-respect, and dignity—virtues we desire but may not realize shame can grant.
160 pages, Paperback
Published August 31, 2021
3 people are currently reading
80 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews
April 9, 2024
This book makes an important philosophical case that we need to recover shame as a necessary and important element in our social experience.
It all starts with a simple but insightful definition: “shame is the negative affective response to social discrediting”. So the subtitle of the book is a bit of a misnomer because—as Elshof himself states, quoting Thomas Aquinas—shame can't really be a virtue, because a perfectly virtuous person would not feel shame. The perfectly virtuous person avoids not only all evil but even all appearance of evil. (Which for me raises the obvious question: what about Christ?) That said, shame can be functional and is so when it successfully tracks the relevant social facts. I, for one, was completely convinced by Elshof's argument.
He gives the analogy: the solution to loneliness isn't inoculation against any lonely feelings but companionship. The solution to shame isn't shamelessness but honour. He then distinguished felt shame from the practice of shaming, arguing that we should embrace felt shame but refrain from the practice of other-shaming. By contrast, today we do the opposite: pour shame on others but exculpate ourselves.
The structure sometimes seemed to jump around a bit without a clear rationale as to its steps. Also the book would have been improved by:
- Removing the controversial woke content at the end.
- Considering the possibility that the practice of shaming (which he opposed to experiencing shame) is an inherent part of all societies and thus unavoidable.
- Considered Christian or theological critique of shame theory.
It all starts with a simple but insightful definition: “shame is the negative affective response to social discrediting”. So the subtitle of the book is a bit of a misnomer because—as Elshof himself states, quoting Thomas Aquinas—shame can't really be a virtue, because a perfectly virtuous person would not feel shame. The perfectly virtuous person avoids not only all evil but even all appearance of evil. (Which for me raises the obvious question: what about Christ?) That said, shame can be functional and is so when it successfully tracks the relevant social facts. I, for one, was completely convinced by Elshof's argument.
He gives the analogy: the solution to loneliness isn't inoculation against any lonely feelings but companionship. The solution to shame isn't shamelessness but honour. He then distinguished felt shame from the practice of shaming, arguing that we should embrace felt shame but refrain from the practice of other-shaming. By contrast, today we do the opposite: pour shame on others but exculpate ourselves.
The structure sometimes seemed to jump around a bit without a clear rationale as to its steps. Also the book would have been improved by:
- Removing the controversial woke content at the end.
- Considering the possibility that the practice of shaming (which he opposed to experiencing shame) is an inherent part of all societies and thus unavoidable.
- Considered Christian or theological critique of shame theory.
May 1, 2025
4.0 // I read this in preparation for a youth group lesson on shame in the psalms, and it was very interesting! It’s an academic book, and I had anticipated something more pastoral, so it took me a bit to adjust. Elshof wants to be extremely precise, and this can come across as pedantic and repetitive at times, but overall his argument is solid and compelling. It was a bit too much to fit into a youth group lesson, so I’ll have to chew on it a bit more before I think I can communicate his ideas in ways that would be helpful for teens.
January 20, 2023
I really appreciated Ten Elshof's approach to the topic of shame. He addressed some tensions in the discussion on shame that I have felt for a while but didn't know how to articulate. His definitions and examples were very helpful in understanding the nuances of guilt, shame, felt guilt, felt shame, self-esteem/loathing, guilt trips, shaming, etc. This is one of the most helpful books I have read on the subject so far.
Read
January 22, 2022This is a good treatment of shame.
The basic idea is that felt shame is not a bad thing. It helps us know when we have been socially discredited among people we value. Shame is not the same as guilt or self-esteem, though it can be related to these things. Shame and shaming are also different. Shame is fine, but shaming is probably almost never good.
Lot's of good examples and hypotheticals to flesh out the ideas. Really fun, easy read.
The basic idea is that felt shame is not a bad thing. It helps us know when we have been socially discredited among people we value. Shame is not the same as guilt or self-esteem, though it can be related to these things. Shame and shaming are also different. Shame is fine, but shaming is probably almost never good.
Lot's of good examples and hypotheticals to flesh out the ideas. Really fun, easy read.
Want to read
December 13, 2021CT review. Seems like a good response to the excess of Hollis-influenced shame-free culture.
November 13, 2021
In this short, accessible philosophical reflection, Gregg Ten Elshof clarifies the meaning of shame and encourages his readers to recognize its value within society. He communicates from the beginning that he does not want to discourage people who struggle with undue and harmful shame, but that our current social discourse against shame risks us losing a meaningful category for discussing our emotional lives and managing life within society. He presents evidence for the historic role of honor/shame dynamics in the West, showing that this is not a primarily Eastern construct, and he warns that if we reject all sense of shame in the West, we will lose its appropriate benefits. Shame, like physical pain, can alert us to the fact that something is wrong.
The Meaning of Shame
He explains that felt shame is the experience of feeling socially discredited among people whose opinions you value. He argues that this plays an important role in society, and delves into the variances between guilt, shame, and embarrassment. This book can occasionally become repetitive, but the reinforcement can help people start thinking of these categories in clearer, less conflated ways. For Shame: Rediscovering the Virtues of a Maligned Emotion provides a solid argument for why shame plays a legitimate and needed role in human relationships, and Elshof also points out that when people experience shame unjustly, we need to engage with the people and norms causing their shame, not the feelings themselves. For example, when someone who has a disability or has experienced sexual assault feels shamefully discredited in society, the problem is society, not their feelings.
Even though For Shame deals with abstract philosophical concepts and draws on the author’s Christian faith, it is accessible for academic and general readers from different belief backgrounds. Elshof uses clear, precise language, defines key terms, and illustrates abstract concepts with real-life illustrations. The book is also concise, at fewer than 150 pages, and non-academics could read it to help them understand the twisted dynamics behind the anti-shame messages and endless public shaming that they see online. Elshof keeps this book realistic and applicable, and the last chapters address some of the ways that we see shame run amok in public discourse today. Even though Elshof argues that shame plays a positive purpose in human society, he denounces shaming as an activity and provides alternative ideas for how people can resolve issues without assassinating someone else's character in larger social groups or online.
One Critique
Overall, I found this book very clear, helpful, and nuanced. However, the reflection about race near the end leaned too much into identity politics for my taste. I understand and agree with Elshof’s points about how white men have more opportunities and paths to success, but he flattens identity categories to make it sound like every white man has had his same opportunities, and like every women and/or person of color is inherently a victim who struggles to achieve.
I had hoped that Elshof would address race, since collective shame is so much more appropriate for white people to feel than collective guilt, but he doesn't address the issue in collective terms. Instead, he just focuses on his personal realizations, and he does so in a way that oversimplifies important issues. He doesn't acknowledge the ways that marginalized people's experiences vary widely based on their individual life experiences, and he does not acknowledge that many white men struggle to achieve because of obstacles that have nothing to do with race or gender. Ultimately, even though this was only a brief section, it reflects a missed opportunity and could frustrate readers who fall outside of its generalizations.
Conclusion
Elshof writes clearly and persuasively about the power and necessity of appropriately felt shame, removing the fog around important terms that people tend to use interchangeably. I would recommend this book to people who are concerned by sweeping, indiscriminate anti-shame messages in modern Western culture, but I would also recommend it to people who feel weighed down with shame. It might seem that this book would be more depressing than helpful to someone who struggles with shame, but it can help them clarify their experiences and understand the cultural and social roles of shame instead of just seeing it as a faulty or bad emotion. Overall, I found this book very insightful and helpful, and I am glad that I read it.
I received a free copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
The Meaning of Shame
He explains that felt shame is the experience of feeling socially discredited among people whose opinions you value. He argues that this plays an important role in society, and delves into the variances between guilt, shame, and embarrassment. This book can occasionally become repetitive, but the reinforcement can help people start thinking of these categories in clearer, less conflated ways. For Shame: Rediscovering the Virtues of a Maligned Emotion provides a solid argument for why shame plays a legitimate and needed role in human relationships, and Elshof also points out that when people experience shame unjustly, we need to engage with the people and norms causing their shame, not the feelings themselves. For example, when someone who has a disability or has experienced sexual assault feels shamefully discredited in society, the problem is society, not their feelings.
Even though For Shame deals with abstract philosophical concepts and draws on the author’s Christian faith, it is accessible for academic and general readers from different belief backgrounds. Elshof uses clear, precise language, defines key terms, and illustrates abstract concepts with real-life illustrations. The book is also concise, at fewer than 150 pages, and non-academics could read it to help them understand the twisted dynamics behind the anti-shame messages and endless public shaming that they see online. Elshof keeps this book realistic and applicable, and the last chapters address some of the ways that we see shame run amok in public discourse today. Even though Elshof argues that shame plays a positive purpose in human society, he denounces shaming as an activity and provides alternative ideas for how people can resolve issues without assassinating someone else's character in larger social groups or online.
One Critique
Overall, I found this book very clear, helpful, and nuanced. However, the reflection about race near the end leaned too much into identity politics for my taste. I understand and agree with Elshof’s points about how white men have more opportunities and paths to success, but he flattens identity categories to make it sound like every white man has had his same opportunities, and like every women and/or person of color is inherently a victim who struggles to achieve.
I had hoped that Elshof would address race, since collective shame is so much more appropriate for white people to feel than collective guilt, but he doesn't address the issue in collective terms. Instead, he just focuses on his personal realizations, and he does so in a way that oversimplifies important issues. He doesn't acknowledge the ways that marginalized people's experiences vary widely based on their individual life experiences, and he does not acknowledge that many white men struggle to achieve because of obstacles that have nothing to do with race or gender. Ultimately, even though this was only a brief section, it reflects a missed opportunity and could frustrate readers who fall outside of its generalizations.
Conclusion
Elshof writes clearly and persuasively about the power and necessity of appropriately felt shame, removing the fog around important terms that people tend to use interchangeably. I would recommend this book to people who are concerned by sweeping, indiscriminate anti-shame messages in modern Western culture, but I would also recommend it to people who feel weighed down with shame. It might seem that this book would be more depressing than helpful to someone who struggles with shame, but it can help them clarify their experiences and understand the cultural and social roles of shame instead of just seeing it as a faulty or bad emotion. Overall, I found this book very insightful and helpful, and I am glad that I read it.
I received a free copy of this book from the publisher in exchange for an honest review.
October 30, 2023
This book was an incredible, short and sweet read (or listen, on audiobook). His approach to discussing shame — what it is, its role in our society, etc. is something I've never heard nor contemplated before. It was deeply eye-opening.
My only qualm with the book, genuinely the only, is that his comments on C()vid aged poorly. Writing a book in 2021, I can see it feeling like an applicable topic to discuss, but his take, examples, and overall approach to it felt so out of place and already antiquated.
I would, and already have, recommended this book to a friend, with all the comments I've listed above!
My only qualm with the book, genuinely the only, is that his comments on C()vid aged poorly. Writing a book in 2021, I can see it feeling like an applicable topic to discuss, but his take, examples, and overall approach to it felt so out of place and already antiquated.
I would, and already have, recommended this book to a friend, with all the comments I've listed above!
February 28, 2025
A good overall argument about how shame is currently undervalued. Shame is not always harmful because it is correlated with honor and gives us a sense of where we stand in our community and we should value what our community thinks of us. On the other hand, the book takes aim at the current prevalence of shaming in popular culture (social media, cancel culture, etc). The thrust is all fine and well, but I was hoping for a more nuanced, detailed book and this is mostly on a popular level and hence fairly repetitive and general. The account of embarrassment is not as sophisticated as I was hoping for either.
May 18, 2022
Cool book that talks about what shame is, how it affects people, how to react to it. It also gives the benefits from shame and its difference between guilt and being shamed. Really insightful and relative to our daily lifes. It had a lot of information (i shouldve took notes) but it was really interesting and easy to follow. The author gave some really good examples to help further explain his ideas.
May 31, 2022
Excellent concept. But the book was very repetitive.
September 8, 2022
Muy interesante, pero a veces utilizaba algunos términos muy científicos. Me hubiera gustado que fuera con un vocabulario más fácil de digerir. Pero en general estuvo muy bueno
Displaying 1 - 11 of 11 reviews