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BIFF for CoParent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts
In divorce and co-parenting, not only do parents need to deal with their own emotions, they may be faced with a daily barrage of hostile calls, texts, social media blasts, and/or emails. How can you regain a sense of control and peace for your own sake and for the kids? For more than a decade, the BIFF method of responding to hostile and misinforming conversation has been used by thousands of people. This book can help you reduce conflict and regain your sanity by teaching what to write, and what to ignore.
This third book in the BIFF Communication series is especially devoted to parents dealing with issues during, and after, separation and divorce. Complete with instructions in the four-step BIFF method, and numerous practical examples, readers will learn the intricacies of their new parenting environment.
This third book in the BIFF Communication series is especially devoted to parents dealing with issues during, and after, separation and divorce. Complete with instructions in the four-step BIFF method, and numerous practical examples, readers will learn the intricacies of their new parenting environment.
176 pages, Kindle Edition
Published October 30, 2020
135 people are currently reading
166 people want to read
About the author
Bill Eddy
48 books151 followersBill Eddy is a lawyer, therapist, mediator and the President of High Conflict Institute. He developed the "High Conflict Personality" theory (HCP Theory) and has become an international expert on managing disputes involving high conflict personalities and personality disorders. He provides training on this subject to lawyers, judges, mediators, managers, human resource professionals, businesspersons, healthcare administrators, college administrators, homeowners’ association managers, ombudspersons, law enforcement, therapists and others. He has been a speaker and trainer in over 25 states, several provinces in Canada, Australia, France and Sweden.
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”
As an attorney, Bill is a Certified Family Law Specialist in California and the Senior Family Mediator at the National Conflict Resolution Center in San Diego. Prior to becoming an attorney in 1992, he was a Licensed Clinical Social worker with twelve years’ experience providing therapy to children, adults, couples and families in psychiatric hospitals and outpatient clinics. He has taught Negotiation and Mediation at the University of San Diego School of Law for six years and he is on the part-time faculty of the Straus Institute for Dispute Resolution at the Pepperdine University School of Law and the National Judicial College. He is the author of numerous articles and several books, including:
High Conflict People in Legal Disputes
It’s All YOUR Fault! 12 Tips for Managing People Who Blame Others for Everything
SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder
BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns
He is also the developer of the “New Ways for Families” method of managing potentially high conflict families in and out of family court. He is currently developing a method for managing potentially high conflict employees titled “New Ways for Work.”
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Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews
January 18, 2021
Though this particular book is targeted to parents who are going through, or have gone through, a divorce/separation with a High Conflict Person (HCP), it has oodles and oodles of application to any relationship with a HCP. Bill Eddy, a lawyer, therapist, mediator, and the co-founder and training director of the High Conflict Institute; Annette Burns, an attorney and a certified Family Law Specialist; and Kevin Chafin, a mediator and Licensed Professional Counselor, have given parents a wonderful aid in this 223-page paperback, "BIFF for Co-Parent Communication: Your Guide to Difficult Texts, Emails, and Social Media Posts". It includes how to navigate the electronic side of things, but really the book maps out many ways to be Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm (BIFF) so as not to get swallowed up in angry and reactionary communications with a HCP.
The first section develops the traits of a HCP, especially their practice of "blamespeak": (1) their preoccupation with blaming others; (2) exhibiting an all-or-nothing thinking; (3) unmanaged emotions; and (4) extreme behavior. The authors then show why being brief, informative, friendly and firm can be a lifesaver in these situations. Part of being BIFF in communications means also avoiding the three "A's" of admonishing, advising, and apologizing. These three chapters are valuable, giving perspective; and can help the person on the receiving end of the HCP's blamespeak!
The final two sections go through multiple examples of using BIFF, topically arranged. From the routine, to education, healthcare, kids activities, the finances, schedules and plans, and social media. The authors give examples of the types of communication one might receive from a HCP, and the way we might want to respond. Then they work through healthier responses, coaching readers step-by-step. They even show how to coach others in this approach, formally or informally. The appendices address boundaries in co-parenting, how to work with your children and help in the relationship with a HCP, and then ways to calm an upset person using Empathy, Attention and Respect (EAR).
The authors bring in their legal and therapeutic expertise to lend a hand to men and women in a high conflict environment and relationship. The High Conflict Institute has scads of material and courses to give employers, spouses, and relatives tools for dealing with a HCP in most venues. This volume is focused on co-parenting, and spot-on. I highly recommend the book.
The first section develops the traits of a HCP, especially their practice of "blamespeak": (1) their preoccupation with blaming others; (2) exhibiting an all-or-nothing thinking; (3) unmanaged emotions; and (4) extreme behavior. The authors then show why being brief, informative, friendly and firm can be a lifesaver in these situations. Part of being BIFF in communications means also avoiding the three "A's" of admonishing, advising, and apologizing. These three chapters are valuable, giving perspective; and can help the person on the receiving end of the HCP's blamespeak!
The final two sections go through multiple examples of using BIFF, topically arranged. From the routine, to education, healthcare, kids activities, the finances, schedules and plans, and social media. The authors give examples of the types of communication one might receive from a HCP, and the way we might want to respond. Then they work through healthier responses, coaching readers step-by-step. They even show how to coach others in this approach, formally or informally. The appendices address boundaries in co-parenting, how to work with your children and help in the relationship with a HCP, and then ways to calm an upset person using Empathy, Attention and Respect (EAR).
The authors bring in their legal and therapeutic expertise to lend a hand to men and women in a high conflict environment and relationship. The High Conflict Institute has scads of material and courses to give employers, spouses, and relatives tools for dealing with a HCP in most venues. This volume is focused on co-parenting, and spot-on. I highly recommend the book.
July 8, 2025
If you are serious about de-escalating the drama in your life, this is the book you absolutely must read! However, get ready because if you follow this book’s advice, you will never, ever get to tell your ‘high conflict person’ all of the things you would like to really let them know. That other person does not think at all like you do and what is best for the children is to de-escalate all of those high-conflict conversations instead of engaging and following them into more and more chaos. Keeping your eye on the prize is definitely more satisfying in the long-term, but sometimes I would just like to let rip with some verbal judo and respond in kind. Sigh…I guess this is what adulting is all about.
June 20, 2024
This book is extremely helpful for people in difficult coparenting situations where emotions are high and texts and emails can ignite frustration.
August 29, 2024
It is absolutely essential, and I wish I had read it years ago!
August 26, 2024
I had read B.I.F.F at the very kind suggestion made by my lawyer at the time.
I had divorced an alcoholic ex husband-tried to be nice to my detriment and really his too if we’re being fair.
This book helped me consolidate all of my communications into saying what I really meant to say, without saying it mean.
While the book focuses on co-parenting-I have translated it to every situation I encounter with any difficult person.
It is amazing how taking a few easy steps on my side of communication can improve outcomes of getting what I need, without having to worry about the state of the ‘relationship’ .
It’s given me the confidence to take on some pretty heavy conversations, knowing that I have choices based off a few easy things this book taught me to do.
Highly recommended for anyone who is divorcing a narcissist, alcoholic, alpha any type where emotions are strong and often divert any opportunity for negotiation.
Would also recommend to anyone who has to manage or often deal with high conflict persons in any position on a regular basis.
It helped give me the validation that I wasn’t wrong for wanting to communicate what I needed to, but to help me see how to communicate with someone who just may not be a good communicator at all.
I had divorced an alcoholic ex husband-tried to be nice to my detriment and really his too if we’re being fair.
This book helped me consolidate all of my communications into saying what I really meant to say, without saying it mean.
While the book focuses on co-parenting-I have translated it to every situation I encounter with any difficult person.
It is amazing how taking a few easy steps on my side of communication can improve outcomes of getting what I need, without having to worry about the state of the ‘relationship’ .
It’s given me the confidence to take on some pretty heavy conversations, knowing that I have choices based off a few easy things this book taught me to do.
Highly recommended for anyone who is divorcing a narcissist, alcoholic, alpha any type where emotions are strong and often divert any opportunity for negotiation.
Would also recommend to anyone who has to manage or often deal with high conflict persons in any position on a regular basis.
It helped give me the validation that I wasn’t wrong for wanting to communicate what I needed to, but to help me see how to communicate with someone who just may not be a good communicator at all.
March 2, 2023
A helpful primer on communication tactics when dealing with a high-conflict personality type. Everything in the book rang true, but I rated it 3 stars because there was nothing here that, for us, was new or different from the logical approach we have been taking in dealing with our specific situations. I will say that if you find you are stuck in an unhealthy pattern of ineffective and overly emotional communications, thus book would provide an excellent roadmap for getting unstuck, and further, that adopting the BIFF technique is incredibly effective at putting an end to abusive communications if you are on the receiving end.
March 27, 2025
This book helped me communicate in many aspects of my life. I liked that it was truthful and acknowledged that some people are hostile and difficult to deal with. The sample emails were realistic. Now, I have more tools for dealing with high conflict people.
August 29, 2022
Useful information, but could’ve been accomplished in just a couple chapters.
January 9, 2024
Great book to read if you are going through a divorce and having to coparent.
February 4, 2024
Great resource if you are someone who needs step-by-step direction on how to control a reactive response to your coparent and only address the important information at hand. If you feel like you already have the hang of this, the book may seem repetitive and redundant.
Displaying 1 - 10 of 10 reviews