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Why Couples Fight: A Step-By-Step Guide to Ending the Frustration, Conflict, and Resentment in Your Relationship
Bestselling author and relationship expert, Mira Kirshenbaum examines power dynamics in relationships and teaches couples her three-step method for ending their power struggles and finding their way back to love.
How do two well-meaning people who genuinely care about each other end up in a damaged, unsatisfying relationship?
Every couple faces conflict and often the root of the problem is how we're not getting our needs met. Initially, we will try to remedy it with reasonable requests--or hints--and a kind tone. But when that fails, we feel disempowered, which leads to sighs, eye rolls, silences, subtle put-downs, insults, and even threats. These are power moves. And while we often engage in power moves unintentionally, the result is the same: our partner feels disempowered and will try to re-empower themselves. Thus the continuous, endlessly destructive dynamic takes hold.
Relationship expert Mira Kirshenbaum, bestselling author of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, reveals a better way with her three-step method for conflict-free problem solving. By recognizing each partner's power moves, we can instead find mutually satisfying ways to heal our hurts and meet each other's needs.
Non-judgmental, compassionate, and wise, this is an indispensable guide to help couples end the negative cycle and get back to the loving understanding that brought them together in the first place.
How do two well-meaning people who genuinely care about each other end up in a damaged, unsatisfying relationship?
Every couple faces conflict and often the root of the problem is how we're not getting our needs met. Initially, we will try to remedy it with reasonable requests--or hints--and a kind tone. But when that fails, we feel disempowered, which leads to sighs, eye rolls, silences, subtle put-downs, insults, and even threats. These are power moves. And while we often engage in power moves unintentionally, the result is the same: our partner feels disempowered and will try to re-empower themselves. Thus the continuous, endlessly destructive dynamic takes hold.
Relationship expert Mira Kirshenbaum, bestselling author of Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay, reveals a better way with her three-step method for conflict-free problem solving. By recognizing each partner's power moves, we can instead find mutually satisfying ways to heal our hurts and meet each other's needs.
Non-judgmental, compassionate, and wise, this is an indispensable guide to help couples end the negative cycle and get back to the loving understanding that brought them together in the first place.
283 pages, Kindle Edition
Published January 26, 2021
30 people are currently reading
475 people want to read
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
January 2, 2021
Relationship are in my opinion the most important thing going on in life. If we don’t have relationships then we have nothing. My words...
“Why couples fight”, has tons of examples of common struggles. Her first point is about power and what that misplaced does to a relationship.
She believes in eight core experiences of love: attention, affection, support, fairness, validation, respect, feeling cherished, passion.
She emphasizes that there has to be room for two whole people in the relationship. Throughout the book she has questions to answer to help you understand her points.
I loved that she mentioned humility. Reminding me that neither of us is perfect. She also feels that the power struggles can be addictive.
At about 40% she produces the solutions.
And breaks down the 1, 2, 3 Method for resolving conflicts.
1. Hearing each other out.
2. Create Options, lots of options.
3. Come together and live out your agreed options. Exploring it together.
Again the author gives great examples of conflict with healthy council. She covers a lot and I can tell she’s been doing this a long time. The last chapter is about questions she gets asked a lot. I found it very helpful. And I’d recommend it for couples looking for resolutions.
Thanks to Kensington Books via Netgalley in exchange for my honest review.
“Why couples fight”, has tons of examples of common struggles. Her first point is about power and what that misplaced does to a relationship.
She believes in eight core experiences of love: attention, affection, support, fairness, validation, respect, feeling cherished, passion.
She emphasizes that there has to be room for two whole people in the relationship. Throughout the book she has questions to answer to help you understand her points.
I loved that she mentioned humility. Reminding me that neither of us is perfect. She also feels that the power struggles can be addictive.
At about 40% she produces the solutions.
And breaks down the 1, 2, 3 Method for resolving conflicts.
1. Hearing each other out.
2. Create Options, lots of options.
3. Come together and live out your agreed options. Exploring it together.
Again the author gives great examples of conflict with healthy council. She covers a lot and I can tell she’s been doing this a long time. The last chapter is about questions she gets asked a lot. I found it very helpful. And I’d recommend it for couples looking for resolutions.
Thanks to Kensington Books via Netgalley in exchange for my honest review.
July 25, 2021
0. Too Long, I can't read it, What's the only thing I need to remember?
What we want is all of us, the relationship to be container, loose enough forgive enough to fit two people. All of me and all of you as you are.
1. Tell me something unique apart from this?
Quite a thoughtful, reflective book, to help a person to grow better in relationship.
Human relationships are in fact the most complex.
Most important - How?
As social animals, we build memories in our life’s foundation through relationship.
I grew up in Tamil Nadu.
Since I got a chance to reflect on my own culture from outside, i.e from New England, Boston.
I started to discuss, reflect, figure out ways to learn, improve.
2. So, What happens in Tamil Nadu on Relationship?
In Tamil Nadu — I can’t recall if there were conversations on discussing,
a. How can we grow better in relationship?
b. What steps could I take to help me become better?
c. What could people do for healthy long-term relationship?
Whether it is 15 year old or 70 year old, relationship is relationship.
Tamil Narratives:
-15 year old don't know anything, 70 year old knows it all
-Real love doesn't involve lust
-15 year old's relationship is not a relationship at all
d. Contrary to Tamil Narrative, Lust is part of relationship requiring two people attract each other.
e. Doesn't matter, 15 year old or 70 year, relationship involves lust, love, caring, serving each other.
Greeks used - storge, philia, eros, agape for Love.
agape - unconditional love, only can be bestowed by God - Why? We are imperfect.
f. How can the 15 year old manage school work and keep his relationship intact?
Fast-forward a decade, he has family, job, bills, wife, crying baby, all the same.
Contrary to Tamil narrative, "Unaku ena vayasu, ena therium" [you don't know anything due to age]
15 year old can start learning relationship skills.
A 15 year old has fresh lens, while an older person might be blinded by experience. Both require each other
Unfortunately Tamil people dismiss him as immature.
g. What ways could the 70 year old work on improving quality of relationships in his life?
e. Can you define Love? No, right? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 easy-to approach on how.
My sample observation of Tamil people, couples are minuscule. Therefore, my view is skewed.
Most observation of couples are deeply flawed.
3. Could you give example from Tamil Nadu?
Growing up, I happen to listen to older Tamil people, and took that as absolute truth.
I now, disagree with them respectful in my journey of finding truth in life.
However, now, I find their perspective is deeply flawed - How?
-They have a worldview, story of life, how relationship is supposed to be
-They see another couple, and fit their conflict or disagreement into their narrative. As a result, they quickly say — Oh, this is why? Attribution error.
4. Can you show me an example from Tamil Couple?
When I was in Middle School, an older person shared conflict reason between a husband and wife in Tamil Nadu.
This older person’s reasoning:
1. The Husband is younger
2. The Wife is older
3. The Wife was socio-economically better than Husband
Therefore, this older person reasoned, this was the reason.
However, this is deeply flawed. He has never spent time in person drawing each other’s stories, wants, desires.
At the end of day — I argue that, it boils down to both the Husband and Wife for the relationship.
5. So, what does this book talk about?
Mira Krishbaum says, empowering the other person is important.
What is empowering? Eg: Allowing the other person, to have freedom to do what they desire.
Whatever we do to disempower is likely to cause damage in the relationship.
Power move looks like this, "If you love me, you'd do x, y, z."
It's a power move by accusation, instead of it, one could say, Let's focus on how best to love each other.
In a relationship, a Man can say, It is my money.
I can buy a house where I want, this might shut the other person temporary.
However, in the long-run, it is likely to cause damages to the relationship.
First of all, in the real world, in the whole history of the real world, people who’ve been disempowered almost never give up.
They just go underground. They use guerrilla tactics. Just think about what goes on in prisons.
The Real Reason Marriage is hard — Power struggle.
In each conflict, that is unresolved with patience, understanding, relationship is burdened with unmet needs and more resentment.
Power in relationship, 93% both say partner is more powerful than they are.
Power is more of my needs met, and less of her needs met, escalating power struggle.
Love means, showing your partner, they matter to you, this translates into,
You notice, What they value, what they care about, and you be of support to partner.
Eg: If the Other person values, shopping, you value shopping with them
5. a) What are we fighting about?
5. b) Do you have room for two people in the relationship?
Relationship conflict are struggles over scarce resources.
Most people in relationship are emotionally fragile.
Couple A - James and Vanessa, James attacks using Fact-Based, Vanessa has Viper Tongue.
When things go wrong, the person makes attribution error i.e "I'm correct, other person is the problem"
We Judge by Action not by intention.
Always ask, "When you did this, what was on your mind."? Eg: A Partner might not have responded, might be that, he is working on something else.
Oh, he is ignoring me, he is intentionally doing it -- Maybe not.
Pills of Death:
x) Frustration
y) Blame - Blame all on the other person, or insert [Mental_Condition]
How did we take responsibility of our own failures?
Take a Story, A Man/Woman shares their relationship story, do they take responsibility for their action or behavior or blame on others? If they did, they'd work on themselves.
5.c) How do you resolve?
Maybe, one could try resolving without power move i.e making the other person disempowered.
At times, have we expressed the following or model behavior of the following,
Core Experiences of Love:
a) attention
b) affection
c) support
d) fair
e) validation
f) cherished
g) respect
h) passion
On Decision Making -- from 0-5, how important is it for the other person?
Confess your resentment often, Confess your anger regularly,
Be Willing to Change Always
6) Who should read this?
Everyone could read, discuss, work on relationship skills for life.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
What we want is all of us, the relationship to be container, loose enough forgive enough to fit two people. All of me and all of you as you are.
1. Tell me something unique apart from this?
Quite a thoughtful, reflective book, to help a person to grow better in relationship.
Human relationships are in fact the most complex.
Most important - How?
As social animals, we build memories in our life’s foundation through relationship.
I grew up in Tamil Nadu.
Since I got a chance to reflect on my own culture from outside, i.e from New England, Boston.
I started to discuss, reflect, figure out ways to learn, improve.
2. So, What happens in Tamil Nadu on Relationship?
In Tamil Nadu — I can’t recall if there were conversations on discussing,
a. How can we grow better in relationship?
b. What steps could I take to help me become better?
c. What could people do for healthy long-term relationship?
Whether it is 15 year old or 70 year old, relationship is relationship.
Tamil Narratives:
-15 year old don't know anything, 70 year old knows it all
-Real love doesn't involve lust
-15 year old's relationship is not a relationship at all
d. Contrary to Tamil Narrative, Lust is part of relationship requiring two people attract each other.
e. Doesn't matter, 15 year old or 70 year, relationship involves lust, love, caring, serving each other.
Greeks used - storge, philia, eros, agape for Love.
agape - unconditional love, only can be bestowed by God - Why? We are imperfect.
f. How can the 15 year old manage school work and keep his relationship intact?
Fast-forward a decade, he has family, job, bills, wife, crying baby, all the same.
Contrary to Tamil narrative, "Unaku ena vayasu, ena therium" [you don't know anything due to age]
15 year old can start learning relationship skills.
A 15 year old has fresh lens, while an older person might be blinded by experience. Both require each other
Unfortunately Tamil people dismiss him as immature.
g. What ways could the 70 year old work on improving quality of relationships in his life?
e. Can you define Love? No, right? 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 easy-to approach on how.
My sample observation of Tamil people, couples are minuscule. Therefore, my view is skewed.
Most observation of couples are deeply flawed.
3. Could you give example from Tamil Nadu?
Growing up, I happen to listen to older Tamil people, and took that as absolute truth.
I now, disagree with them respectful in my journey of finding truth in life.
However, now, I find their perspective is deeply flawed - How?
-They have a worldview, story of life, how relationship is supposed to be
-They see another couple, and fit their conflict or disagreement into their narrative. As a result, they quickly say — Oh, this is why? Attribution error.
4. Can you show me an example from Tamil Couple?
When I was in Middle School, an older person shared conflict reason between a husband and wife in Tamil Nadu.
This older person’s reasoning:
1. The Husband is younger
2. The Wife is older
3. The Wife was socio-economically better than Husband
Therefore, this older person reasoned, this was the reason.
However, this is deeply flawed. He has never spent time in person drawing each other’s stories, wants, desires.
At the end of day — I argue that, it boils down to both the Husband and Wife for the relationship.
5. So, what does this book talk about?
Mira Krishbaum says, empowering the other person is important.
What is empowering? Eg: Allowing the other person, to have freedom to do what they desire.
Whatever we do to disempower is likely to cause damage in the relationship.
Power move looks like this, "If you love me, you'd do x, y, z."
It's a power move by accusation, instead of it, one could say, Let's focus on how best to love each other.
In a relationship, a Man can say, It is my money.
I can buy a house where I want, this might shut the other person temporary.
However, in the long-run, it is likely to cause damages to the relationship.
First of all, in the real world, in the whole history of the real world, people who’ve been disempowered almost never give up.
They just go underground. They use guerrilla tactics. Just think about what goes on in prisons.
The Real Reason Marriage is hard — Power struggle.
In each conflict, that is unresolved with patience, understanding, relationship is burdened with unmet needs and more resentment.
Power in relationship, 93% both say partner is more powerful than they are.
Power is more of my needs met, and less of her needs met, escalating power struggle.
Love means, showing your partner, they matter to you, this translates into,
You notice, What they value, what they care about, and you be of support to partner.
Eg: If the Other person values, shopping, you value shopping with them
5. a) What are we fighting about?
5. b) Do you have room for two people in the relationship?
Relationship conflict are struggles over scarce resources.
Most people in relationship are emotionally fragile.
Couple A - James and Vanessa, James attacks using Fact-Based, Vanessa has Viper Tongue.
When things go wrong, the person makes attribution error i.e "I'm correct, other person is the problem"
We Judge by Action not by intention.
Always ask, "When you did this, what was on your mind."? Eg: A Partner might not have responded, might be that, he is working on something else.
Oh, he is ignoring me, he is intentionally doing it -- Maybe not.
Pills of Death:
x) Frustration
y) Blame - Blame all on the other person, or insert [Mental_Condition]
How did we take responsibility of our own failures?
Take a Story, A Man/Woman shares their relationship story, do they take responsibility for their action or behavior or blame on others? If they did, they'd work on themselves.
5.c) How do you resolve?
Maybe, one could try resolving without power move i.e making the other person disempowered.
At times, have we expressed the following or model behavior of the following,
Core Experiences of Love:
a) attention
b) affection
c) support
d) fair
e) validation
f) cherished
g) respect
h) passion
On Decision Making -- from 0-5, how important is it for the other person?
Confess your resentment often, Confess your anger regularly,
Be Willing to Change Always
6) Who should read this?
Everyone could read, discuss, work on relationship skills for life.
Deus Vult,
Gottfried
June 2, 2021
This book is part hands-on advice and part broader views to help you understand the author's techniques. The examples are easy to follow and give concrete advice. It's a super helpful book that shows the reader how to understand the bigger picture of conflict resolution while giving easy-to-use directions to improve their relationships immediately.
January 18, 2021
{Thank you to NetGalley and Kensington Books for a fitted copy in exchange for my honest review. As always, all thoughts and opinions are my own.}
I was not familiar with author and relationship expert Mira Kirshenbaum prior to reading this title but found her writing to be totally relatable and accessible.
"I’ve written this book for everyone. Whoever you are and however you see yourself in terms of identity—man, woman, neither, fluid, non-conforming, questioning, queer, in transition, two-spirit—you’re in this book and I honor you all equally." -M. Kirshenbaum
I loved that she spoke about how this book can be accessed no matter the type of relationship the couple is in, which made this nonfiction book feel welcoming and compassionate from the very beginning.
The beginning of Why Couples Fight dives into the concept of "power" and why we often resort to fighting when we feel misunderstood and/or defensive.
."It’s not that anyone wants power. It’s just that no one wants to feel disempowered. But from the outside, and from the inside as well, it looks and feels like a struggle for power." -M. Kirshenbaum
Often fights stem from larger issues that are layered underneath than the superficial moments that can quickly spark the flames. "Most of the time, buried within most feedback is a need. And you’re much better off going to the need and bypassing the feedback".
Not only does Kirshenbaum share a myriad of common examples, but she also expresses the importance of humility which I think is so important in any relationship. Kirshennuam believes in eight core experiences of love...attention, affection, support, fairness, validation, respect, feeling cherished, and passion and she shares how these play into our own unique situations.
Part two takes on how to resolve these issues, knowing that they can stem from multiple angles. She introduces the 1, 2,3 Method, which takes on the conflict in three simple steps.
"The 1, 2, 3 Method for Resolving Conflict:
1. Before you begin to discuss solutions, make sure each of you understands what the other thinks and feels about the issue you’re facing.
2. Come up with plenty of options. Be sure you’ve put as many options as you can on the table.
3. As a way to arrive at a final agreement, take different options, and together explore how they would play out and discover what their pros and cons are.
While it sounds incredibly simple, following these specific steps can help us work towards our ultimate goal in a more straightforward and actionable path." -M. Kirshenbaum
This book is packed with so much accessible ad actionable advice and is one of the most useful books I have ever read on conflict resolution. Breaking down the walls to get back to hearing and meeting each other's needs is the ultimate goal and this book can help end this negative cycle no matter what your individual issues are. Highly recommend!
I was not familiar with author and relationship expert Mira Kirshenbaum prior to reading this title but found her writing to be totally relatable and accessible.
"I’ve written this book for everyone. Whoever you are and however you see yourself in terms of identity—man, woman, neither, fluid, non-conforming, questioning, queer, in transition, two-spirit—you’re in this book and I honor you all equally." -M. Kirshenbaum
I loved that she spoke about how this book can be accessed no matter the type of relationship the couple is in, which made this nonfiction book feel welcoming and compassionate from the very beginning.
The beginning of Why Couples Fight dives into the concept of "power" and why we often resort to fighting when we feel misunderstood and/or defensive.
."It’s not that anyone wants power. It’s just that no one wants to feel disempowered. But from the outside, and from the inside as well, it looks and feels like a struggle for power." -M. Kirshenbaum
Often fights stem from larger issues that are layered underneath than the superficial moments that can quickly spark the flames. "Most of the time, buried within most feedback is a need. And you’re much better off going to the need and bypassing the feedback".
Not only does Kirshenbaum share a myriad of common examples, but she also expresses the importance of humility which I think is so important in any relationship. Kirshennuam believes in eight core experiences of love...attention, affection, support, fairness, validation, respect, feeling cherished, and passion and she shares how these play into our own unique situations.
Part two takes on how to resolve these issues, knowing that they can stem from multiple angles. She introduces the 1, 2,3 Method, which takes on the conflict in three simple steps.
"The 1, 2, 3 Method for Resolving Conflict:
1. Before you begin to discuss solutions, make sure each of you understands what the other thinks and feels about the issue you’re facing.
2. Come up with plenty of options. Be sure you’ve put as many options as you can on the table.
3. As a way to arrive at a final agreement, take different options, and together explore how they would play out and discover what their pros and cons are.
While it sounds incredibly simple, following these specific steps can help us work towards our ultimate goal in a more straightforward and actionable path." -M. Kirshenbaum
This book is packed with so much accessible ad actionable advice and is one of the most useful books I have ever read on conflict resolution. Breaking down the walls to get back to hearing and meeting each other's needs is the ultimate goal and this book can help end this negative cycle no matter what your individual issues are. Highly recommend!
March 9, 2021
Check out the full review on my website. CLICK HERE
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Why Couples Fight? by Mira Kirshenbaum is a fantastic book for anyone who is looking for a relationship or someone already in a relationship. The author is a relationship expert and she gives us the reasons why couples fight and how to resolve conflicts among couples. If you are looking to add tools to your life kit toolbox, this book will help you do that efficiently. It is accessible and easy to read with practical examples to help us understand the underlying issues that most couples face.
The book talks about the common issues couples faces in day-to-day life. She gives us glimpses into some common arguments and how things that are so simple can escalate in a matter of seconds. Looking at things from the outside makes it easier to see where things go wrong and what exactly couples shouldn't do in conflicts. 40% of the book focuses on the issues that will come up in the course of a relationship. She dissects each of them and shows us how these can affect the couples adversely. The solutions and methodology by which one can resolve the conflicts and find peace in the relationship are introduced around the halfway mark down the book. Mira goes through each conflict and how the steps can be used by showing us practical & realistic scenarios. I have come out of this book feeling more confident in seeing things differently and wanting to be better on my end.
I believe the book has accomplished what it had set out to do. Overall, this is a book everyone should read and apply to their lives. We might think our lives are perfect the way they are, but having the necessary tools will not only help us to improve on relationships it will also help strengthen our bonds. This is in my opinion a great book for anyone who is seeking solutions to end the toxic family environment to which both partners contribute. I gave the book 4.5 stars and highly recommend checking it out.
SUBSCRIBE TO MY CHANNEL : YOUTUBE
FOLLOW ME ON : TWITTER INSTAGRAM
Why Couples Fight? by Mira Kirshenbaum is a fantastic book for anyone who is looking for a relationship or someone already in a relationship. The author is a relationship expert and she gives us the reasons why couples fight and how to resolve conflicts among couples. If you are looking to add tools to your life kit toolbox, this book will help you do that efficiently. It is accessible and easy to read with practical examples to help us understand the underlying issues that most couples face.
The book talks about the common issues couples faces in day-to-day life. She gives us glimpses into some common arguments and how things that are so simple can escalate in a matter of seconds. Looking at things from the outside makes it easier to see where things go wrong and what exactly couples shouldn't do in conflicts. 40% of the book focuses on the issues that will come up in the course of a relationship. She dissects each of them and shows us how these can affect the couples adversely. The solutions and methodology by which one can resolve the conflicts and find peace in the relationship are introduced around the halfway mark down the book. Mira goes through each conflict and how the steps can be used by showing us practical & realistic scenarios. I have come out of this book feeling more confident in seeing things differently and wanting to be better on my end.
I believe the book has accomplished what it had set out to do. Overall, this is a book everyone should read and apply to their lives. We might think our lives are perfect the way they are, but having the necessary tools will not only help us to improve on relationships it will also help strengthen our bonds. This is in my opinion a great book for anyone who is seeking solutions to end the toxic family environment to which both partners contribute. I gave the book 4.5 stars and highly recommend checking it out.
January 31, 2021
Thank you, Netgalley for providing an ARC of this book. Opinions contained within are my own and unbiased.
I've read quite a few self-help books and books on improving relationships, not because my own marriage is troubled but because I think that things can always get better. I'd rather have more tools in my toolbox when a crisis comes, and I certainly don't consider myself to be a perfect person, so there is always room for learning and improving. Some of these books don't yield much in the way of solutions or strategies, but this one is overflowing.
Kirschenbaum's writing style is conversational and approachable. Occasionally she uses a phrase that seems a little odd coming from an older woman, but it's like listening to your favorite older auntie try to be cool -- you smile and love her anyway. The language is not the only place where the auntie comparison holds up; the entire time I was reading this book I felt like I was hearing life lessons and advice from an aunt.
Kirschenbaum offers several different solutions to common conflicts between couples, based on the theory that all such problems come from power imbalances within the relationship. To me this seems a solid premise. She aims to help partners communicate more clearly and avoid making "power moves" against one another. She also focuses on how to communicate kindly, without jumping to conclusions and attacking one another. I have already begun implementing her strategies in my personal life and discussing them with my husband and have had positive results. I think there is something useful in this book for even the happiest couples.
I've read quite a few self-help books and books on improving relationships, not because my own marriage is troubled but because I think that things can always get better. I'd rather have more tools in my toolbox when a crisis comes, and I certainly don't consider myself to be a perfect person, so there is always room for learning and improving. Some of these books don't yield much in the way of solutions or strategies, but this one is overflowing.
Kirschenbaum's writing style is conversational and approachable. Occasionally she uses a phrase that seems a little odd coming from an older woman, but it's like listening to your favorite older auntie try to be cool -- you smile and love her anyway. The language is not the only place where the auntie comparison holds up; the entire time I was reading this book I felt like I was hearing life lessons and advice from an aunt.
Kirschenbaum offers several different solutions to common conflicts between couples, based on the theory that all such problems come from power imbalances within the relationship. To me this seems a solid premise. She aims to help partners communicate more clearly and avoid making "power moves" against one another. She also focuses on how to communicate kindly, without jumping to conclusions and attacking one another. I have already begun implementing her strategies in my personal life and discussing them with my husband and have had positive results. I think there is something useful in this book for even the happiest couples.
July 5, 2022
💕TRZY KROKI DO
DOBREGO ZWIĄZKU💕
Początek książki skupia się na pojęciu „władzy” i dlaczego często uciekamy się do walki, gdy czujemy się niezrozumiani i/lub defensywni.
„Nie chodzi o to, że ktokolwiek chce władzy. Po prostu nikt nie chce czuć się jej pozbawiony” - M. Kirshenbaum
Autorka nie tylko dzieli się mnóstwem podobnych przykładów, ale także wyraża znaczenie pokory, która moim zdaniem jest tak ważna w każdym związkiem.
Mira wierzy w osiem podstawowych doświadczeń związanych z miłością: uwagę, przywiązanie, wsparcie, uczciwość, uznanie, szacunek, uczucie docenienia i pasję.
Część druga poradnika skupia się właśnie na rozwiązywaniu problemów, wiedząc, że mogą one wynikać z wielu punktów widzenia. Wprowadza metodę 1,2,3, która podejmuje konflikt w trzech prostych krokach.
Uważam, że książka osiągnęła to, co chciała nam przekazać autorka. Ogólnie rzecz biorąc, jest to książka, którą każdy powinien przeczytać i zastosować w swoim życiu. Możemy myśleć, że nasze życie jest idealne, takie, jakie jest, ale posiadanie niezbędnych narzędzi nie tylko pomoże nam poprawić relacje, ale także wzmocni nasze więzi.
DOBREGO ZWIĄZKU💕
Początek książki skupia się na pojęciu „władzy” i dlaczego często uciekamy się do walki, gdy czujemy się niezrozumiani i/lub defensywni.
„Nie chodzi o to, że ktokolwiek chce władzy. Po prostu nikt nie chce czuć się jej pozbawiony” - M. Kirshenbaum
Autorka nie tylko dzieli się mnóstwem podobnych przykładów, ale także wyraża znaczenie pokory, która moim zdaniem jest tak ważna w każdym związkiem.
Mira wierzy w osiem podstawowych doświadczeń związanych z miłością: uwagę, przywiązanie, wsparcie, uczciwość, uznanie, szacunek, uczucie docenienia i pasję.
Część druga poradnika skupia się właśnie na rozwiązywaniu problemów, wiedząc, że mogą one wynikać z wielu punktów widzenia. Wprowadza metodę 1,2,3, która podejmuje konflikt w trzech prostych krokach.
Uważam, że książka osiągnęła to, co chciała nam przekazać autorka. Ogólnie rzecz biorąc, jest to książka, którą każdy powinien przeczytać i zastosować w swoim życiu. Możemy myśleć, że nasze życie jest idealne, takie, jakie jest, ale posiadanie niezbędnych narzędzi nie tylko pomoże nam poprawić relacje, ale także wzmocni nasze więzi.
May 7, 2023
I am getting married soon, and our church requested we take a marriage class. It was recommended to read a book that a couple would read if things were not going so well. I picked this one, and I think it has a lot of good advice for general conflict mediation even outside of relationships. On the other hand, some parts of the book are a little cringy-and I can not imagine ever saying or doing some of the suggestions in this book. Ultimately, I think a lot of beneficial practices in this book are self-evident. Some chapters do open the door to good conversations to have with a partner before marriage, or for some couples after.
January 20, 2021
“Why Couples Fight,” by Mira Kirshenbaum, is a straight-forward book explaining how empowerment/disempowerment leads to couples fighting. There are several relatable examples of subjects couples fight about, and familiar “power moves” I have even heard my partner or myself say during heated debates. Ways to reduce the power struggles, and in an end result, fighting, are simple and sensible. I have taken away many tips and tools to use when I find myself again in a situation where my spouse and I are not seeing eye to eye on something.
February 26, 2021
I picked this up on a whim as I passed by at Target getting the kids’ Valentines treats. *shrug* I was intrigued by the word “power” on the cover. I’ve been mulling over power dynamics in relationships and when our responses to another might be based on perceived power dynamics. This book had lots of useful insights on power dynamics and lots of common sense. Sometimes the author is a bit *too* pragmatic for me—like when she offers advice on how to have open and constructive communication when your partner wants to have a threesome.
January 11, 2022
I love the basis of this book
The premise of this book is based on the idea that we want to feel empowered in our relationships.
This is different than seeking power. People who seek to dominate or overpower their partner are a cancer to their marriage… but when you feel disempowered you do whatever you can to get your power back. Even if it means disempowering you’re own partner.
I’d never had that principle described so simply. I love Mira’s books. This one is a great addition to her catalogue.
The premise of this book is based on the idea that we want to feel empowered in our relationships.
This is different than seeking power. People who seek to dominate or overpower their partner are a cancer to their marriage… but when you feel disempowered you do whatever you can to get your power back. Even if it means disempowering you’re own partner.
I’d never had that principle described so simply. I love Mira’s books. This one is a great addition to her catalogue.
September 8, 2021
Goodness gracious. I’m 150 pages in and she’s said the SAME THING in 473 different ways. Come on. Get to the point already. Power struggle yadda yadda empowerment yadda yadda disempower yadda yadda. It’s like being in some weirdly boring vicious circle that never ends. I can’t finish this. 150 pages in and I’m STILL reading the same thing I was in the first 10 pages? No thanks. First book I’ve EVER put down without finishing.
May 19, 2021
I found this book really helpful! I read it chapter by chapter, allowing myself to process the details and suggestions. I wanted to learn more about the psychology of couples fighting, to prevent arguments, rather than fix something broken. I found myself trying strategies or rethinking how I was saying things. It was honest, yet comical, and well written! Thank you!
July 10, 2021
3.5/5 I did like this book, but felt at times very bored… It seemed a bit repetitive for me but there were things in here that are absolutely useful. I started to skim the book looking for chapters that I would enjoy…. Wasn’t my favorite read in regards on how to better a relationship.
December 25, 2020
Interesting read
March 11, 2021
Tangible Advice
Absolutely loved reading this book. I feel hopeful I can do better in my relationship with these new tools to use.
Absolutely loved reading this book. I feel hopeful I can do better in my relationship with these new tools to use.
March 21, 2021
I received an ARC of this book from Netgalley in exchange for an honest review.
There is an abundance of practical advice for dealing with power struggles within a marriage.
There is an abundance of practical advice for dealing with power struggles within a marriage.
November 1, 2023
Great advice from an expert on the whys and how to deescalate couples fighting. Because everyone fights. It’s just finding a nontoxic way to do it.
December 30, 2024
This book kind of drones on, explaining the same things over and over, but maybe that’s the point?
November 21, 2024
Great book to improve your knowledge on the topic.
Excellent advice and methods.
The method of giving a number to how much something is important to you in an argument and then comparing it to the number given by your partner for the thing he is arguing is really working.
Excellent advice and methods.
The method of giving a number to how much something is important to you in an argument and then comparing it to the number given by your partner for the thing he is arguing is really working.
October 30, 2020
Review will be up on my blog shortly, www.therapybooknook.com
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